 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five red flags. He's about to end your relationship and number four screams run away from him. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video or watching the replay you like it, please hit that like button so this video can be shared in the YouTube algorithms. All right, and if you're brand new to watching one of my live streams, I'm gonna do the content first and then Q&A, okay? So you can stick around for the content and then maybe if you want, stick around for the Q&A. In fact, the Q&A is the best part of it all together. All right, we're gonna talk about the five red flags. He's gonna end your relationship and number four screams run away. All right, so let's get real for a moment. Let's get really real. The reality is is, traditional dating doesn't exist anymore. Everything you've learned about relationships in the past is wrong. And I'm not to suggest that some people aren't traditional in the way they date, but the reality is today that the dating process isn't like what it was 100 plus years ago where a guy would court a girl for two months, get married so they could have sex, okay? I mean, let's face it. It used to be, if you wanted to get laid, you had to get married. And that usually happened in a very short period of time. Now we can have sex relatively soon after meeting someone. So that kind of throws that old premise of commitment out of the window. In fact, these days, most people are entering into relationships with little or no commitment other than maybe the agreement of monogamy and exclusivity. Maybe that's about it, that level of commitment. I'm talking about going the deeper levels of commitment that happens when a relationship builds the roots to trust, but we're not seeing this anymore. In fact, these days we've seen a rise in casual relationships, or we've noticed that they're now called situationships, situationships. Where in many cases, a woman's in a relationship with a guy and they don't even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And I'm talking, now I know that sounds weird for those of us in midlife. You know, those who follow my work know my area of expertise is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my demographic is 42 to 69. So if you're in your 60s, it might sound weird to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, but we can say partner or, you know, just your beloved, something that denotes something special. But the reality is, is we're not even seeing that. A lot of people say that they don't want to label this relationship. And this is because most people aren't actually very serious or intentional in the dating, mating and relating process. Now repeat that most people aren't serious or intentional. And this is true for men as well as women. And the reason being is, you know, who wants to make an investment in someone if they're not the right person. So this is where there's a lot of disconnect going on because most people haven't, they're not intentional in the process of getting to know another human being. They're not asking the right questions very early on to know if this could be the right partner. You know, it's interesting. I just finished a phone call with a client who had just finished my six week boot camp working with me a couple of months ago. And now she has a boyfriend there. In fact, they're six weeks in. And she was sharing with him all of the work we did together and all of the questions I helped prepare for her. And he started to review all this and he was fascinated with it. And he goes, wow, I want to ask you these same questions too. So I'm here to say is that most men who actually do want a serious relationship aren't afraid if you are more intentional in the process. I'm gonna repeat that. Men who are more serious about seeking a life partner are unafraid or will not block your inquiries to determine if he's the right person for you. Now you might be going, Jonathan, what does this have to do with red flags? Well, I just want to identify that one of the reasons why most people aren't connecting together is because they're not very intentional. And I know I'm saying this over and over and over again but it's because it's cavalier. In fact, many of you have been taught to be cavalier in the process. And what I mean by cavalier is just sit back in your feminine energy and let the man do all the work because you're the princess and he will climb to the tallest, the highest room in the tallest tower. He will move mountains for you. What fucking narrative is that real? Let's, and I'm saying this because when you meet a stranger, ladies, I want you to think about this. A man is supposed to move mountains on the first, second, or third date. That's not gonna happen. Now you've been indoctrinated in the idea that men, or they love the chase and they love the hunt and they love to pursue. We don't necessarily love it. We do get off on it when we're chasing sex, when we're pursuing sex, when we're hunting sex. But as you've watched my live streams before, I'm telling you men don't run around going, I want a relationship, I want a relationship. Men, so this requires you to be more intentional in the process, or at least that's my invitation that you be more intentional because let's face it, men are rather clueless and given that the number one search term for women about men is why are men commitment phobic? Why are men emotionally unavailable? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Those are the top searches. So if you're asking for those things, wouldn't it make sense to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship? Wouldn't it make sense to be more intentional in the process before you give your heart to another human being? And so what I'm about to share with you is to prepare you that these are the things that will most likely happen when you're not treating the process intentionally, when you're just treating the process like, oh, let's just have a good time. It's all about having a good time. You know what? Let's just have a good time. How's your day going? Are you having a good time? I hope you have a good day. This is the kind of rhetoric people are talking to one another and they're not going deeper. So my hope is once you learn these five red flags, you'll be prepared to go deeper and deeper into finding out is this the right person for me? So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. Okay, sign number one or one red flag number one. He all of a sudden starts getting busy, busy, busy, busy. He's always busy. There's busy at work. There's busy with family. There's busy with this. All of a sudden his timeframe of spending time with you begins to shrink, shrink, shrink. That's a very clear sign that most likely he will be ending the relationship because he's creating a little bit of distance and creating a little, not by the way, what I'm sharing with you is not necessarily he's cognitively doing this, not from an intentional perspective. This is actually subconscious. He's pulling away, pulling away, pulling away, pulling away, pulling away. So when there's enough space, that's the time to end the relationship. So this is what one of the things men do. By the way, women, everything I'm sharing here, women do it as well. So this isn't singular to men per se, but this is certainly a clue is he will start being actively busy in his life and won't make time for you. I know many of you know this. You've experienced this. You've had this happen to you before. So this isn't a big surprise for you. He starts being busy. Number two, you begin to see a pattern with his communication where he's defensive. He criticizes you. He's stonewalling. He's complaining. There's contempt. In fact, Dr. John Gottman calls this the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. Stonewalling is kind of a reflection of that. He's acting busy. He doesn't want to. Stonewalling is where he, you know, something's important to you and he puts it off. That's stonewalling. Criticism, I think you can recognize what that is. Defensiveness is anytime you're bringing up something material to the relationship. He turns it around and says, no, the problem isn't me, the problem is with you. Now it's natural for human beings to get defensive. I know I have a habit of getting defensive, but I'm talking you're seeing a pattern, this repetitious pattern. Because again, by being defensive, stonewalling, criticizing, or having contempt, it creates that space of where the romance was in the beginning and creates that space to create that space to launch off the ending of the relationship. I'm sure you've had this happen to you before. If you have, please hit that like button to let me know or post it in the chat or post it in the comments because I know this happens significantly. After that honeymoon phase, you're seeing a shift in behavior. There's a good chance that he's either gonna end the relationship or quite frankly, if his behavior is like that, you should be ending the relationship. Wouldn't you agree? Thumbs up. Okay, number three. You notice he stops caring about your feelings. You notice he starts to disconnect from your feelings. He doesn't want to talk. He changes the subject whenever you're sharing something intimate and personal. Again, these are mechanisms people use in their life to create space when they are feeling like this isn't the right relationship for them. And by the way, their reason for ending the relationship is irrelevant. It's just the reality is as most people haven't developed the roots of trust to really forge that solid relationship. This is why when clients work with me in my private coaching program, they get a full indoctrination and understanding the roots to trust. What does it take to build solid trust in a relationship? And if you need help with that, there's a link below in the description to schedule a discovery call with me. And I want to say when a man starts pulling away from your feelings, that's a good sign. He's about ready to end the relationship. That's certainly a red flag. Now, I told you number four is the one that you should run away. This screams run away from your perspective. And this is when there is a ton of chaos going on in his life, a ton of chaos. It could be divorce. It could be job issues. It could be issues with his children. It could be issues with elderly parents. When the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid and there's a lot of chaos, he's going to create space between you. And the sad part is when there's chaos going on is like you ladies lean in even more in loving him. Now, all of you know I'm a big proponent of leaning in, leaning into a healthy relationship, leaning into your self love. And those of you know my work, I wrote a book called What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, there's a link below. You know, I'm a big proponent of leaning in. But here's the thing. I don't recommend leaning into his chaos to enable and support him. That is not what I'm talking about when I say leaning in. I'm talking about leaning into the relationship like a two lane street where two cars are traveling at the same time. If his car veers off because of chaos going on in his life, you should just choose another freeway or highway or lane because most likely he's not capable of going into deeper intimacy with you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. And lastly, number five. He starts to pull away sexually. In other words, we men are on the hunt for sex. And once we've accomplished that mission most guys with a strong libido want to have regular sex with their partner. Now, not every man has a strong libido. I certainly notice I have a strong libido but age is catching up to me. But I'd like to think I'd still have a vigorous desire to be in a sexual relationship where there's sexual intimacy. What I'm here to say though when he starts pulling away sexually that's a clue that he's creating that space to not again, cognitively end the relationship but it's just the way human beings operate. We wanna remove that closeness because then it makes it a little bit more palatable to do the sad deed of ending a relationship. So just to recap, these five red flags, okay? He's rather busy. He starts to become busy. He becomes defensive, criticized, contempt or stonewalling the four horsemen of the apocalypse by John Gottman. Number three, he doesn't really seem to care about your feelings much anymore. Number four, he's got chaos going on in his life. And by the way, he may have started the relationship with chaos and you jumped in anyway but let me tell you something. When a man is going through chaos in his life it isn't please run away as fast as you can. That is not the right person to be with. And number five, when he starts pulling away sexually there's a good chance he might be ready to end the relationship. And those are the five red flags a man is about to end your relationship. All right, I hope you found value in this. If you did, please hit that like button and let me know it's now time for Q&A. So we're gonna be answering questions in just a moment in the chat box. Really quickly, here's a couple options. A, you can purchase a super sticker or a super chat and post your question inside there. Makes it easier for me to find in the chat room. By the way, all the funds for the super sticker and super chats goes to a foundation I'm starting for my son Connor, my son who passed away a couple of years ago. And that foundation is to create a scholarship fund for those who want personal develop or seeking help in the personal development self-help and spiritual realm. Okay, and or you can write the word question and then post the question thereafter it makes it easier for me to find in the chat box. So let's jump in to Q&A. I see we got a lot of people on here today. So I'm really happy. Let's scroll through here again. Again, please hit that like button. Oh, Marcia says, hello, Jonathan. This is my first time on your live stream. I'm super excited to join today. Yay, Marcia. Welcome aboard. Okay, let's see. Jenny says, Jonathan, our big brother giving us real advice, thank you. For those who know me, I like to, I always jokingly say that if I could be your big brother on a first date, or if I could be your big brother and you're on a first date and a man comes, picks you up at your home, I've got the shotgun cranked up or like, you know, cock it and basically say, what's your intentions with my little sister with this gun in his hand, in my hand? I think that will send a signal. Hey, maybe he needs to be intentional instead of passive like a lot of people convey. All right, so thank you so much, Jenny. All right, let's see. Question, question, question. Write the word question and then post it. Okay, here we go. Jenny wrote, question. Is it okay to say you're seeking someone who has healed from their past relationships on a dating app? First off, I like the idea of where you're going, but I'd like to switch the narrative. So by the way, folks, I wanna show you something on my dating app. Bear with me a second. I'm gonna open up Bumble and I'm gonna open my profile and I'm gonna show you a photograph. So those who know me on here know I talk about a lot of books, but I wanna share with you. There's a picture of a stack of books that including the four agreements, the mastery of love, loving what is, the subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson, the untethered soul by Michael Singer, intimate communion by David Data, nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the Hoffman process, conscious uncoupling, chatting or cheating, the Queens Code, an uncommon bond, shut up, stop whining and get a life. Now, why am I sharing all this with you? I would prefer to ask someone what books do they read? What books do they read? Or I would prefer instead of asking the question, has someone healed from their past relationships, I would ask what personal development, self-help and spiritual work do you do on a regular basis for your inner peace? What personal development, self-help and spiritual work do you do on a regular basis for your inner peace? I like that question a little bit better than seeking, to say I'm seeking someone who's healed from their past relationships, that's a nonsensical question. Because even, you know, people that are unaware that they have childhood wounds and traumas can respond to that. So by asking what personal development, self-help and spiritual work do you do on a regular basis to navigate life through inner peace? I like the word inner peace, you could choose whatever that works for you. But I think that would be a better question, Jenny, than just simply asking to say, I'm seeking someone who's healed from their past relationship. That's like saying, I'm looking for someone who's not a cheater, I'm looking for someone who's not a liar, I'm looking for someone, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff is bullshit. Because those guys that, you know, most people are unconscious to their wounds and such. So by stating it that way, isn't going to actually preclude you from achieving or to preclude you from having someone like that respond to your dating app question. So I hope that helps, Jenny. Great question, thank you so much. All right, Beth asks, question. When someone asks for space, do they ever come back? Like why come towards me and completely retract and ignore? When someone asks for space, do they ever come back? Great question, Beth. So do they ever come back? The answer is sure. I mean, sometimes they do. Most of the time when someone wants space, it's because they don't even know what they want in relationship. And when someone doesn't know what they want relationship, all the space in the world isn't going to change that. Ladies, I highly recommend purchasing this book. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. So, ladies, if you follow my work, you know before the penis goes into the vagina, you better be reading this book and you better be asking him the questions associated in this book. And furthermore, I highly recommend buying two copies if there's someone you're seeing and perhaps him read the book at the same time to find out if you're on the same page. Let me tell you the worst thing that can happen. You spend one, two, three months just having a good time. We're gonna have a good time. It's all about having a good time. I'm just gonna sit back in my feminine energy and let the guy do all the work and we're gonna have a good time only to have it implode when he says, I'm not ready for a relationship because I have chaos going on in my life. My work is busy, you know? And then you start seeing other patterns because he hasn't healed his childhood wounds and traumas and it's just gonna bleed into it after the honeymoon period and these days the honeymoon period is between six and 12 weeks. Six to 12 weeks. So I'm not saying relationships can't have multiple, multiple years of fun and a blast but these days because most people are dating on a casual basis, they're in situationships. Why do you wanna invest your energy with someone who doesn't know what he wants? When someone wants spaces because it's not you, by the way, this whole narrative, it's not you, it's me. It is them. They're fucked up, okay? Now, sometimes it might be that you're just not the one. In fact, this is the tricky part because many women are searching for some nirvana this twin flame energy that's all of a sudden gonna change everything about how fucked up they are and they're gonna all of a sudden become magically emotionally healthy because they've done no fucking personal development work. Yeah, right. This is this narrative. So when someone says they're gonna take space, what are they gonna fucking do during the space? Are they gonna go see a therapist? Are they going to see a counselor? Are they gonna go to a coach and work on their shit or are they just taking space because they don't know what the fuck they're doing? That's the way I've observed it. And by the way, ladies, I have over 20,000 hours of coaching in the last 12 to 13 years. I have over 3,000 hours of personal development work, training seminars, counseling books and videos that I've read. I have a neuro-linguistic programming certificate and I'm currently getting my cognitive behavioral therapist certificate. I share this with you, not to impress you. I share this with you is because I study this stuff day in, day out. I am a fucking junkie. I am a junkie for love. I'm a junkie for personal development. I'm a junkie for, I'm absolutely fascinated with human behavior. Why do people do what they do? It's just, I am kind of one dimensional this way but it's just who I am. And I only share this with you is because I've done a lot of the work so you don't have to spend 20,000 hours. I've condensed it like I've done in my six week boot cramp, boot, boot cramp, boot camp. And so if you want some help again, check out the link to a discovery call. Great question. Thank you so much, Beth. All right, it looks like Robin wrote. Oh, let's see. Oh, hold on a second. Let's find Robbins. All right, there we go. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. Right before my ex walked out, he pulled away emotionally, sexually. He had problems at work but I did not think much of it. It destroyed me. What did I, what did I do? It hurts. First off, Robin, thank you for the super sticker for $10, I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm really sorry to hear that's happened. That's not an uncommon thing for people who are not emotionally healed from childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas. Childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas. This is why I highly recommend reading the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process to do a deep dive into healing, childhood wounds and traumas. I highly recommend this book. And as well as adult traumas, I definitely recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Getting, this is to understand what's known as the amago, how we oftentimes choose relationships based on one or both of our parents because we're trying to heal. So oftentimes, now here's the thing about men. Men who are not intentional about a serious relationship, they want connection, they want companionship, they want intimacy, physical intimacy, not necessarily emotional intimacy, but that's all they're capable of. So the minute the relationship gets a little bit more, means into emotional responsibility, they go haywire because they're not intentional because most men have not done the inner work to prepare them for a very serious partnership. And again, by reading the books I recommend, in fact, I highly recommend this book, How to Be an Adult in Relationship, because let's face it, we got a lot of fucking kids dating these days and I'm talking about 20, I'm not talking about 20-year-olds, I'm talking about 50, 60 and 70-year-olds, men and women alike who are emotional children because they haven't done, they've done little or no personal development work. So I hope that helps, Robin. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm giving you a big, gigantic job from Bearhug. Thanks a bunch. Okay, we've got another super sticker here, so let's find that. Michelle, thank you so much for your super sticker, I appreciate that. Kitty Kat writes, question, if he does four of the five of these but doesn't wanna end the relationship when I asked him multiple times, could it mean he has someone else as well? Interesting, so when a man is busy, defensive, stops caring about your feelings, has tons of chaos or pulls away sexually, four out of those five things. So what men typically do, this is a great question, what men typically do, Kitty Kat, is men will nest into a relationship, they'll nest, okay, N-E-S-T. You know, think about this, ladies, do you know do women ask for divorce like three-fold greater percentage than men? I think somewhere between 60 to 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Why? Because men will stay in crappy relationships, they will do the bare minimum, stay in crappy relationships if they get sex, and you're right, there's a chance that they could have somebody on the side fulfilling some of their other needs and their life. So my thing is this, is your relationship, you know, here's the thing, bottom line, if you're experiencing him busy, defensiveness, you know, not caring about your feelings, not being sexual with you, why do you wanna be in relationship with that guy? That's my question, who gives a fuck what he's doing? The question is, why do you want to be with him? But Jonathan, I love him so much. That's not love, ladies. This, that, you know, if someone is behaving this way, how can you actually be in a loving relationship? But Jonathan, I've gotta make it work because I'm so attached to him. Ah, you're attached to him. This is why you must read this book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, attached. So you understand that most likely, the reason why you might stick it out in a relationship like this, is because you've got shit to work on, either this book or Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks. I promise you, you can read these two books and figure out why you're staying in an emotionally unhealthy relationship. And if someone's pulling this kind of shit, you should be running as fast as you can. At least that's my invitation for you, kitty cat. Thank you so much for that question. I truly appreciate it. All right, let's go back up. By the way, you may have to post the question several times because it's hard for me to find these sometimes. All right, question. How do you, how do you, Jonathan, how do men really feel about a woman's number of previous partner? Does it really matter? Ooh, that's an interesting one. Do men care about how many sexual partners you've had? I think if you've had 500, that might be a red flag to a guy, not a red flag, but might be a turnoff to a guy. I think most men at midlife are gonna assume you've had somewhere between one and 10 men sexually in your life, okay? And so, but if that number is much greater than that quite frankly, these days it's quite possible that men and women alike could have a number in the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, even 100. I would just prefer not answering that question. If someone says how many partners you've had, I would just simply say I've had several serious relationships where I've been intimate, but I never kept count. And that's about as far as I would say. I've had several serious relationships where I've been intimate with a partner, but I don't keep count, and I might have even had a one night stand in there. Intentional, might wanna say an intentional one night stand. Sometimes ladies, you've had a one night stand not thinking it was gonna be a one night stand. So I'm just gonna say, you might say, yeah, I did a one night stand one time. But I would not divulge the number, I just think it's a turnoff to get into that kind of depth. It's nobody's business, how many sexual partners you've had, and again, I think most people at this point in our lives are gonna assume you've had somewhere between one and 10. Again, if that number is much higher, I just wouldn't wanna divulge that. But you know what, each their own. You know what, if you feel comfortable, then if you've been with 100 people, then share it. I don't know how guys will feel about that. I think most guys probably would judge it. Just like most women would judge a guy if he's had hundreds and hundreds of sexual partners. This is the problem with human beings. We judge people based on their behavior without ever knowing the why these things happen. We prejudge based on some stupid notion that it really matters. What matters most is are you building a healthy, happy sexual relationship with your partner along with the emotional relationship and the deep roots to trust? That's what matters most, at least in my world. And I hope it does in your world as well. Sadie, thank you so much, great question. All right, Jenny says so many men online sound like they're having chaos in their life. The pandemic has made everyone effing crazy and everyone is having a midlife crisis. That is quite frankly true. The pandemic has certainly made it more challenging in people's lives. But the reality is that most humans have a fair amount. I'm not talking about, okay, let me talk about chaos. I'm not talking about garden variety. We've got stuff going on in our life. A healthy human being has balance between good stuff happening in their life and not so good stuff. I'm talking about overwhelming bad stuff happening in a person's life, chaos, uncertainty, the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. I can tell you I went through that experience after my divorce when I lost my quarter million dollar your job and I lost all my money in the market crash of 2008. Seven figure wipeout. So bad that I had to move in with my mom and dad in my mid 40s and I used to live in a $2 million home. Talk about shame and the emotional chaos that came with that was devastating to me. This is why I was using cocaine on a regular basis to self-medicate and drinking, going out and drinking. I mean, I was dating like a fiend and drinking because I wasn't dealing with my problems. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. I'm not saying it like a badge of honor. I'm saying this because I understand the emotional dynamics that causes one to become dysfunctional in their life. And then to make matters worse, most of you know that I lost my 19 year old son Connor a couple of years ago. Talk about another emotional devastation I've gone through my life. And I'm just sharing my experience, how many of you have suffered significant loss or painful situations that traumatizes us. I mean, PTSD could easily come from a breakup of a relationship. And if we don't do the personal development, self-help and spiritual work to heal, it's gonna make it very difficult to lean into a new relationship. This is why I highly recommend, this is my Bible. This book is my Bible. It's called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. I highly recommend getting this book. This is a great book to help you to talk to the voices in your head because the reality is most of us are suffering. By the way, everybody, I want you to think about this. I was, well, I'm gonna share with you something. I watched a video from another contemporary and they're talking about how confidence is the most important thing in relationship. And I'm fucking laughing because the reality is most human beings are riddled with emotional insecurities. Most humans are suffering from I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And they oftentimes put a facade of confidence because the real issue isn't outward confidence like you can pay bills on time and you're doing great at work and you're successful in your professional life. True confidence comes from emotional confidence, from emotional maturity, where your actions match your words, you have victor consciousness, you know how to fight fair, you have empathy and transparency. That's where true confidence lies. And I can tell you the vast majority of men and women are winging it, they're rather clueless on their emotional maturity. This is why we see so many dysfunctional relationships happening over and over and over again because they're not leaning into their emotional maturity, they're not reading the books I'm recommending. This is why when I talk about these books over and over again, the same books over and over again is because I've literally laid out a great tiny library to help each one of you become so amazing in your life that you become a magnetic attractor for someone great in your life. And so my invitation for you do the inner work and see, and by the way, choose people that do the inner work as well or at least are willing to do the work like many of my clients have secured with the men that they're dating. All right, Jenny, thank you so much for sharing. Ah, Sadie writes, oh, we already had that one, sorry. A.B. writes, question, hey, John, my ex of six years did everything you name and boom, we was over. And I'm sorry to hear that. It's sorry to hear that six years. I bet you anything, there were clues that he was gonna do this well early on in the six years. My guess is you didn't listen to the clues. Ladies, this is, by the way, I talked to women who have just gone through breakups, one-year relationship, two-year relationship, three-year relationship, five-year relationship. And I asked them a couple questions right in the beginning and they all say the same thing to me. I knew something was wrong in the first month but I went against my better judgment. Bump, bump, bump, you went against your better judgment. But he was so charming, he was so romantic, I got hooked. Ladies, men are the gas and you're the brakes. And you're the brakes because you shouldn't be giving your heart away until you vetted, at least do a better job vetting to see if he's capable of being a relationship. By the way, ladies, I can tell you something. I'm getting emails after emails after emails from women who are listening to my YouTube channel and my podcast, listening to where I recommend buying the book eight dates, they're buying two copies of the book and before they get intimate with a man, they're asking to do this work and it is working fabulously for the men who are serious and the ones who are not serious, they run away. How many of you, I don't know how many times I talk to women, they say they're in a relationship with a guy for three years, a lot of problems and she recommends therapy and the guy says, I would never do therapy. Folks, if someone isn't willing to do work to help grow the relationship, why the fuck do you even wanna be with them? Don't choose people who don't wanna invest in a relationship and this is where a lot of people are fucking naive. By the way, I curse sometimes just because I use them as, I use expletives to enhance a sentence there, I'm spitting. Listen, people are really effing clueless and I say this because I was clueless for 45 years. I had no clue what it took to be in a healthy, happy relationship until I started reading these books, like how to make love all the time by Barbara DeAngelo's because most of us grew up with this stupid book, this stupid book, The Rules, The Rules. The stupid manipulative way people enter into a relationship. This fucked it up for a generations, okay? Because this whole stupid manipulative narrative on attraction to manipulate people, act cool, don't tell them too much, don't ask questions, all of these things temporarily get you hooked into a relationship only with a dysfunctional human being. Why the fuck would you want to invest your heart in a dysfunctional human being? First, it requires you to become emotionally functional and then ask the deeper questions early on. This is why I highly recommend reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, great book, great book, great book. All right, I go on my rant sometimes. Maria asks, question. My ex-husband had sex with me that afternoon. He asked me for a divorce after 23 years. It took me a year and a half to date again and to be fresh and to give and receive love. Now, I don't see a question there, so thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry that you had to experience that. Snow writes, this is happy to me except, oh, that's not a question, excuse me. All right, let's see where we have a question. By the way, write the word question and post the question or purchase a super stick or a super chat. Okay, Michelle writes, question. A lot of chaos in his life with a controlling ex and four children around made me pull away a year ago. Do I give him another chance now that he's resolved his issues? Do I trust him? Well, first off, the old narrative, trust is earned. So my question to you is what is he going to do different or what are the two of you gonna go different? So here's what I recommend, Michelle. Purchase the book, eight dates, start reading it with him before the penis gets to go back into the vagina on a regular basis, read this book over an eight week period and then see if it's worth investing in him. That would be my suggestion. Oh my God, eight weeks, Jonathan. I gotta wait eight weeks to have sex. Ladies, if you're gonna spend the rest of the life with someone, why aren't you doing a better job vetting to see if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? And so by asking better questions, you have an opportunity. In my coaching practice, I gotta tell you, I love how well my coaching practice has received, my private coaching practice. And I share this with you because I help you form, personally help you form the right questions to ask based on who you are and what you're looking for in a relationship. Because most of you women date in the clouds. You're in the clouds. You're like in the fairytale land. This whole men are chivalrous and they're gonna claim you and you just sit back and you're feminine and just princess energy and it's all gonna work out like magic. What fucking planet are these people living on? You know, I get it. There is a small percentage that this happens. I get it, okay? It's a small percentage. But you know what? Had they really proved, a lot of people got into a relationship through this methodology, but have they proved that can make it work in the long run? Dysfunctional people can fall madly in love with each other and absolutely kill each other in a short period of time. So do the work and you have a greater chance for success. At least that's my invitation for you. Michelle, thank you for your question. I really appreciate it. Ellen writes, "'Hey, big brother, Jonathan, "'this is my first time on your live, "'but you have already answered all my questions, "'so I'll just listen. "'Thank you so much, I appreciate that.'" Okay, let's see. Kelly writes, "'We have to be ready for a good partnership.' "'Truth, exactly. "'Ladies, you have to be ready "'if you want to be in a good partnership.'" And a lot of you are fucking delusional too. I swear to you, I can't begin to tell you how many women think they're so emotionally healthy because they read one book in their life and all of a sudden they're just all emotionally healthy. Ladies are just as dysfunctional as men. Trust me on this. And I'm a single man out there. I witnessed it time and time again. Now it's a little bit harder for me because I can spot it like that. Doesn't mean I reject a woman totally. I just try to figure out how fucked up they are before I want to invest in them nowadays. And it's because I'm fucked up, you're fucked up, we're all fucked up. I just don't want someone who's off the rails. In other words, person, oops, I almost fell. Person who's done little or no work on themselves is not a turn on for me. I like people. I like people that do work because you know what? That tells me they're gonna be more intentional in the dating process. And that's what I want for every one of you is to choose people who are more intentional. Kelly, thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate it. Snow fairy writes, I have childhood traumas to how can I heal this? Reading all these books, going to the Hoffman process, doing insight seminars are just a finding a therapist. These are just a few things you can do to work on healing. And let me tell you something in my book. What the heck is, you should purchase my book because it gives you, at the back of the book, everybody. Everybody, at the back of the book, I give an outline. See what it says here? Recommended reading studies, teachers and workshops. Let me just share with you my litany of coaches and people that have helped me in my life is just to name a few. Louise, hey, you can heal your life. Creative visualization by Shakti Gwani. The movie, the secrets. The movie, what the bleep. A return to love by Marianne Williamson. Here, a return to love by Marianne Williamson. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Oh my God, the Four Agreements. Unleash the power within Tony Robbins. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Wayne Dyer, any video by Wayne Dyer. Abraham Hicks, The Mankind Project. Reverend Michael Beckwith, love him. The agape, type in a-g-a-p-e dot com, agape. Oh, agapelive dot com, a-g-a-p-e live dot com. The Hoffman process, insights, and then of course, in miracles. This is a great outline I've just given you. So purchase my book, the link is below and then just check out everything I recommend. It will fucking change your life like nobody's business. If you invest one year into your emotional well-being, you will become such a rock star for attracting an awesome person in your life, Snowfairy. I hope you do it. Shinti writes, thank you, Jonathan. I'm so relating. All of the five clues happened in my relationship these past four weeks. He was in chaos over his work when I jumped into this relationship. Ladies, I highly recommend don't choosing people who are going through a lot of dysfunction and trauma in their life. Better to find someone whose ground is at least a little bit stable versus those that have unstable ground underneath them because that could be highly problematic. And I'm sorry to hear that happen to you. So thank you so much for sharing. Candy writes, question, is it okay to check in when things seem to be going in this direction when someone who was more casual and long distance but we still developed a friendship? Check in on what, Sandy? Candy, what do you want to check in? I mean, it's long distance is casual. The real question, Candy, is what do you want? Look at ladies, those who follow my work, I make it really simple by sharing my narrative. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being partners in our life both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to partnership moving in together, getting married. That's my standard. Know you're a standard and then ask yourself, does this guy fit into my standard? Because it's your standard and boundaries that's gonna help you avoid choosing the wrong people. And if you need some help on that, I highly recommend reading this book. Oh my God, this is a brilliant book. Barbara DeAngelis, are you the one for me? Are you the one for me? Are you the one for me? Are you the one for me? I'm repeating it over and over again. Look how thick this book is. I have the hard copy, hardcover book. Highly recommend reading this so you don't choose people who are gonna, I don't wanna say use you but who are not ready to be in a healthy happy relationship. And that's my invitation for you. Candy, thank you so much for that question. Tanya O'Brien, Tony Ann O'Brien. Oops, I didn't mean to say your last name. Jonathan, you have nailed it on the head yet again. I like how you are genuine and to say it like it is. Thank you. Tony Ann, thank you so much. I really appreciate that made me smile. Thank you so much. Snow fairy says, I love this, thank you. Oops, bear with me a second, just scrolling. Ah, this thing jumps is the problem. Okay, Shannon writes, what percentage, question, what percentage of men 50 years old and up actually have ED problems? Just your best guess. I'm gonna say 80%. I would say 80%. Most guys are using the blue pill. Now it's a white pill if you're generic. Most guys, I mean, it's, you know, here's the problem as you know, as we get older, our testosterone levels drop and it's really more of a function of our circulatory system. And as we age, like for example, I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition. So my heart doesn't pump out all the blood. I think it's called injector or I forget the terminology. So most men as their age, their circulatory system drops. In fact, why do you think people move to Florida where it's warmer weather? So their blood circulates more because in colder weather it's gonna freeze up. So the answer is I'm gonna guess it's about 80%. It's, in a matter of fact, it could even be higher than that. So I hope that helps. That's my best guess anyway. Okay, let's see. Okay, incarnated love rights. Under what circumstances would you recommend chasing initiating dates with a man? It seems to me that the answer is never. First off, I break that out into two parts. Never, ever, ever, ever chase a man. Never, ever, ever chase a man. However, you can absolutely initiate a first date. You can invest in a relationship. Ladies, this whole narrative that you can't initiate a date as if it's somehow gonna make a man's penis shrivel up. A man's penis is gonna shrivel up. It's gonna emasculate him because you just said, I like you. Can I buy a cup of coffee for you? I mean, if a man's penis fell off and shriveled up and shrunk, would you wanna be with that guy anyway? This is such stupid belief system. So many of you guys have adopted this belief that a man's masculinity is going to shrivel up because you did something nice by saying, hey, can I treat you to a cup of coffee? Can I buy a drink for you? By the way, I get tons of offers from women. I am very flattered. And if one woman is... I mean, if my soulmate asked me out on a date, do you think my penis is gonna shrivel up? No, my penis is gonna rise to the occasion. At least that's how I feel about it. Folks, you gotta, here's my coffee cup. You gotta let that shit go, this whole stupid narrative. Now chasing somebody, that's a whole different ball game. Initiating, making effort. And then if you make effort and he doesn't reciprocate an effort, then he's probably not your guy. But make an investment, see what happens. I'm a big proponent of that. Thank you so much. That was a great question, incarnated love. Evie writes, yeah, it seems the only men who have been interested in me are super sleazy. Then I feel bad about myself because like attracts like. I want to appear more wholesome. I can tell you sometimes that happens because you put together a very poor dating profile. I've seen this happen a lot with women who put very poor dating profiles. They actually attract a sleazier kind of guy. So I would hire me to review your profile to make sure you're not, because what you might be putting out is what you're attracting in. That's just my speculation on this. I can't say that for certainty. But thank you so much for writing, Evie. Nicole writes, question, after losing your spouse over a year ago, now should you be working on yourself before dating again? So that's a great question, should you be? All right, so let me tell you my story. I got divorced, okay, when my ex-wife and I decided to divorce, I literally was on the dating apps within weeks. I mean, literally, it could have been days. Okay, I was on dating apps because I was thirsty for companionship, connection, and sex. Okay, I was thirsty for companionship, connection, and sex. And in one year, or let me give you the story. So I met a woman, great woman, great date, something didn't work out. Something was off. Next day, met a great woman, great date, had a good time, something was off. And another one, and another one, and another one, and another one. In one year, after 100 internet dates, I had 100 internet dates in one year. I realized the problem wasn't them, the problem was me, but it took me 100 dates to figure it out. It requires awareness to know that you've got to work on this stuff. And most people, I was clueless, doesn't make me a bad person, I was clueless. But then I go, wow, if the problem is me, maybe I should read books and start learning about this stuff. That's why I got into all of this a decade and a half ago. So most people just don't have a clue. And if you don't have a clue, how can you know that you need healing? This is why life is a journey, folks. It's a journey of mistakes. We make mistake after mistake after mistake after, and I don't even wanna characterize a mistake. Experience after experience after experience after experience. That's just part of it. That's part of life. What's most important is you don't choose the dysfunctional people. First become functional yourself and then I'll teach you how to avoid the dysfunctional ones. Can I get an amen? Can I get a like, please? Thank you. Nance writes, question. Is it wrong to tell your guy that you need affection on the anniversary that your mother died and all he does is tell me he's sorry I had a bad day? Am I wrong for being upset? First off, your feelings are your feelings. So you can never, ever, ever be wrong about your feelings. Now, he may not be able to lean into your feelings. So understand that he may not be capable of that, but to be upset is a very valid thing. Just recognize he has his own feelings too, and maybe he can't lean into that for you. And if he can't, then I highly recommend creating an emotional support system around you because one human being can't be all of our needs. We, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, said today's single person out there in the dating realm is incredibly narcissistic. They want their best friend, their best lover, the most financially stable, they want the best of everything, right? They expect so much from everybody else that they can't even give what they expect from another human being. And I'm not suggesting that of you. That's not what I'm suggesting. What I am saying is your partner may not be able to lean into that for one reason or another. Doesn't mean he should be your partner, but I'm just saying he has his feelings too. You have every right to your feelings. He has every right to his feeling. This is why I highly recommend purchasing the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Highly recommend getting this book so you can learn how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way, buy a copy for him and have him read it as well. But no, you are not, everybody has every right to their feelings. In fact, one of the chapters in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway? Hold on a second. So one of the chapters is everything is happening for you, not to you. Everything is happening for you, not to you. Here's the thing, that experience happened for you as an opportunity to love yourself, is one possible reason why that experience happened. Everything is happening for you. Everything is happening for you as an opportunity to love yourself. And that's my invitation for you, Nance, is to love on yourself. Great question, thank you so much. Denise writes, I read self-love, awesome book. Thank you so much, big thumbs up. I appreciate that. All right. Cat writes, there is a class on Mindvalley with Dr. Beckwith, it was awesome. Yes, Mindvalley, Google it, everybody. Joy writes, the four agreements will talk to your soul, it did to mine, yes, yes, yes, the four agreements, right there, great book. Jenny writes, the Hoppin process has a daily Instagram live meditation video, so therapeutic. Follow the Hoffman process on Instagram. Yes, yes, yes, I follow it, it is phenomenal. Highly recommend going the Hoffman process, daily meditations, absolutely love it. Thank you, Jenny. Linda writes, my nose is itchy. Question, Linda writes, question. If you're just meeting a guy and he's not forthcoming about the deep stuff, how much time before you say next if there seems stable, but are slow to offer anything up? Red flag. You know, the first 90 days is the vetting process of a relationship. The first 90 days, it takes about 100 hours to get to know a human being at stage one, stage one. So I would say that within three months, 100 hours of face-to-face time with someone, I think if you're having regular sex, then you have every right to be very intentional, right from the very beginning, but by the three month mark, if someone isn't leaning into true intimacy in the relationship, intimacy means into me you see to be open, transparent, empathetic. If someone's not leaning into it, then why do you want to invest a time with someone? Folks, be more intentional. Stop being passive, stop being in your feminine energy. That's just simply princess energy, expecting the man to lead. You're setting yourself up for failure. I'm just telling you, you're setting yourself up for failure. Be intentional, ask better questions, read these books and get them to read the books as well. Can I get an amen please? I'm a preacher, can I get an amen? All right, thank you. Tiffany writes, question, is a man who has been legally separated for three and a half years, dateable or should we wait until the divorce is final? I would say if he's going through a contentious divorce, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. If he's very amicable with his ex and it's just paperwork, then you can give it a shot. But if it's contentious, I would say next. That's my invitation anyway for you. Oh, darn it. Had a question, bear with me. Question, question, question. You guys are talking so much. It's hard to find some of these questions. I love that you're talking so much. Doug, hey, I saw that you're on. Bear with me. I saw a question from Karen. Okay, thank you for the super sticker. I appreciate that. Here we go. Karen, question. You have stated that you personally have broken up with several women, so I don't understand the statistic is about so many men nesting. Well, let me clarify that if we're asking me personally. My marriage and I ended, so I don't want to characterize who did the breaking up my ex-wife asked for the divorce. So that one I didn't do, but I think we were both ended it. My last significant relationship, we ended the relationship mutually. It was a very conscious uncoupling. And if you're not familiar with it, in fact, the book is called Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward-Thomas. And by the way, folks, I can tell you if we go to page 220, 220, right here. You see this? You see this? It says right here, Sherri and Jonathan. A letter we posted to our Facebook community made it into this book on how to break up on social media. So we did it together. The other breakups, I want to say, I was a train wreck. Okay, so folks, when I was going through my divorce and a couple of years after, I was such a mess. I told you I did cocaine, I was depressed. I mean, I used to go to bed wishing I didn't wake up. And dating was also my other drug of choice. I was a serial dater, okay? And then I would do what's called the dysfunctional moonwalk. After about six weeks of dating, I would do all the bullshit things. I would come up with all the bullshit things that were wrong within me. So they would break up with me because I would feel terrible breaking up with someone. So Karen, I'm not really sure where you got the narrative that I did the breaking up. Most of the time, I just did the dysfunctional moonwalk so they could end it with me. So I wouldn't feel so bad. I say this now after the fact, cognitively I wasn't doing this. This I'm saying after the fact as I look back on my dysfunctionality all those years. And by the way, I'm not sick. Listen, I'm not the most fucked up guy on the planet and I'm not the most conscious person on the planet. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm telling you, it's taken a lot of awareness to get to where I'm at today. I have years of being absolutely a train wreck. And I say this most people are to some degree because our number one core wound is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. So just understand most people don't do this intentionally. It's just a byproduct of childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas that go unhealed. I repeat that childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that go unhealed causes people to be emotionally dysfunctional, emotionally dysfunctional. I'd like to think I'm stepping into my emotional confidence but I still have a lot of work to go through as well because I'm still navigating the loss of my son which is causing a lot of angst in my life. Thankfully, a lot of other areas of my life are solid so it helps shore up my heart that's aching right now especially with Father's Day coming up. And I'm just sharing one example of just me and imagine all the other people that are going through their own pain, hurt and suffering, men and women alike. Thank you so much for that question, Karen. I appreciate it. All right. Okay, thank you so much for the super sticker. I appreciate that. Can't find the Hoffman process, not project process. Here, folks, the word is process, Hoffman process. Okay, we're looking for questions. BE writes, question, help. The man I've dated for over a year and he will not let me go over to his house. He says he doesn't like surprises. I told him I'm not desperate. What do I tell him? Now I'm a little confused, BE. Have you never been to his house or he just doesn't like you to impromptu show up at your house? I personally wouldn't like it if someone impromptu showed up in my house mainly because I would feel bad if it wasn't clean, okay? So that's one thing. But if someone, if one year in relationship you've never seen them home, seen their home, run, forest run, that would be scary in my book. So I would definitely not, I would definitely want to see their home. You have, I think we should see each other's homes. By the time the penis goes into the vagina on a regular basis, you should see each other's homes. Okay, that's my suggestion. All right, great question. Oops. Doug says, none of us have ED problems. We have the little blue pill. Well, we have the problem. We need the pill, Doug. So thank you. And I stated that as well. All right. I'm gonna scroll to the bottom here. All right, Shannon, I think this will be the last question for the day. Question, should a couple then talk about ED problems before sleeping together since they are so common? You know, that's a touchy subject. That's a very touchy subject for men. I think just being aware of it is most important. I highly recommend Googling it and doing your own research about it from your own perspective. I don't think I'd bring it up. I was certainly, men oftentimes will bring it up. I'm very vocal. I'm very upfront sexually. I'm very upfront saying, hey, look, I use a blue pill. These days, most guys, I mean, in the ages of 50 and 60 and beyond, they use the blue or white pill. White is generic now. So, but I just wouldn't bring it up. I just, the fact that just knowing it, know that that's just part of it. And sometimes men may not have a full heart on, but they can still feel a lot of pressure with half a heart on. So just recognize that that's just part of the process, just like a woman's vagina doesn't lubricate as much as she ages. I mean, and they use things like that, use things to help with lubrication. So I'm here to say I wouldn't bring it up right away, but just recognize that it exists. At least that's my perception on that one. All right, great question. Thank you so much. All right. You know what, folks? I think this would be a good place to wrap up for today. I'm gonna repeat those five red flags. He's ending your relationship. Number one, he becomes rather busy in his life. Number two, you see a pattern of defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling or contempt. Number three, you notice he stops caring about your feelings. Number four, there's tons of chaos going on in his life. And number five, he pulls away sexually. Those are just some of the signs that a man is ready to end the relationship. And I hope that's helped. I hope all the content here has helped you because let me just say this. Self love is the antidote to emotional chaos because that's what love would do and that's how love would respond. And my hope is you love on yourself and love on humanity as well. Because let's face it, most people are good people. They're doing the best they can. Dysfunctionality is not something we desire. It just happens to exist. And we can judge or blame other people for their behavior or we can take personal responsibility for our choices and have love and compassion for ourself and others. And that's my invitation for you all. All right, we're gonna wrap up today's live cast. My first off, giving myself a big, gigantic Gothen Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you so much. Have a great evening, everybody. Thank you so much. Bye now.