 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of job that's a comment I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic shoot I forgot what the topic is how to make a man see you like the one and only Really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel Please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you could be notified of new videos And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms Really quickly my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty It's direct a little tough love and a lot of heart and occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence So if an f-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now Lastly these are my thoughts my perceptions my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian so my advice goes contrary to both public opinion and Traditional expectations, so all I ask is you give it a chance. All right, let's talk about how to get to have someone see you as their one and only You know before we go there I really want to address what I think is the pink elephant in the room and that is that the dating process today is Really really dysfunctional. I mean the complaints from both men and women alike is alarming their operations mostly with the opposite sex and also the amount of effort that people put into the process there are Criticisms on both sides of the aisle and I witnessed this repeatedly when I watch social media when I'm watching videos It's it's fascinating to me. I've lately I've gotten a little bit addicted to tick-tock videos and I can't believe how many videos are there on Narcissisms and sociopaths and bad first dates and men do bad things and women do bad things and I mean, it's no wonder It's rather dysfunctional out there We are being fed with so much Negativity that it makes it very difficult to actually lean into one of the most important Fundamentals of the actual process is that and that is holding hope It's becoming much harder to hold hope these days and it's understandable Why because the reality is is we are no longer meeting people who know us or know the people we know I'm repeat that we are no longer meeting people who know us or know the people we know think back a hundred years ago Most likely anybody who ended up getting married the people that dated they grew up in a small town You knew their parents. They knew your parents. You knew their friends. You knew the doctor You know, you know, you knew the the gas station attendant. Everybody knew each other So there was a level of not just physical safety from that perspective But more importantly, there was a level of emotional safety back then There was an extreme level of emotional safety Which makes it very difficult today because most of the time we're meeting total strangers through these devices And when we're meeting strangers, it's hard to feel not just physically safe And I can't begin to express the importance of physical safety, but I'm talking about emotional safety I'm talking about really feeling safe to be who you are to be vulnerable to be authentic to be Transparent this is why lately. I've been recommending everybody check out the book by Malcolm Gladwell called talking to strangers talking to strangers And that's I can't read the subtitle. Please forgive me what we should know about the people. We don't know Talking to strangers what we should know about the people. We don't know folks These days when we're meeting people and especially when there's long distance involved And I'm talking I mean people are now dating across Continents with each other. They're not actually dating. They're they're Virtually hooking up in most cases. It's a virtual connection usually based In many cases from an emotional place of feeling lack This is oftentimes this happens, but I'm not suggesting that's all the cases and certainly when there's there's the long distance here in the United States of one end of the country versus the other and Then there's just long distance when you leave ten or live ten or fifteen miles apart And I'm only mentioning this is because how do we genuinely get to know someone when we have these long distances and Here's the challenge is it's very difficult to get to know someone through our devices It's very difficult to get to know someone through text messaging and even telephone calls Repeat that's very difficult because think about it for a moment I've had hundreds of thousands of hours of telephone calls in my life I can't remember one telephone call well actually number. Let me scratch that I only remember one telephone call I ever got my life and that was the one where my ex-wife called me to tell me that my son had passed away and those who know Me know my 19-year-old son Connor. There is there. There's the little cutie pie there and there is there in graduation And so all of these telephone calls don't actually help us bond with another human being It doesn't help us bond So it's it really important to get physically face-to-face with someone so you can actually get to know them On a deeper level and it's important to ask better questions in the process Instead of the current dating rhetoric is how's your day going? I hope you have a good day Did you have a blessed day? Most people are talking about how wonderful their day is instead of getting to the heart of Why are we even engaging with one another? Why are we even doing this and? There's this there's this misconception that everybody's on the same page And let me tell you something most everybody isn't on the same page This is why it's important to ask questions and because most humans believe chemistry equals relationship success I'm repeat that chemistry equals relationship success They're they're actually finding themselves More disappointed than any ever before and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg chart I'm going to put it up on the screen You can see above the water line is the word attraction and you can see the tip of the iceberg is chemistry But below the water line is compatibility which says shared values blendable lifestyles and most importantly emotional maturity If you genuinely want to be in a relationship that's in it then it is imperative to understand that chemistry doesn't equal relationship success and yet we are so driven by chemistry and romance in the early stages because in many Cases particularly for men. We are driven by lust or limerence Lust or limerence and what that means is we either want to fuck you or we're just extremely Infatuated with you based on putting you up on a pedestal and that is not a healthy way to approach a relationship This is why if you follow my work and you know my rhetoric I always say the same thing before the penis goes inside the vagina purchase two copies of the book eight dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman purchase two copies of this book and study this and read it together This will actually build the intimacy The intimacy that actually will start Shifting this dynamic between the two of you to something where you really do look at someone as they're one and only So I want to share something with you as I was preparing for this video Hmm my coffee mug says coffee tastes better when shared by the way, I'm just drinking lemonade Coffee tastes better when shared when I was preparing for this I was actually thinking of the movie when Harry met Sally when Harry met Sally and for those of you that know the movie I'm going to give you a quick recap of it because there's some four key points that I want to bring up today That will help put you in that space of being someone's one and only What was unique about this movie? There were two people that met a driving cross country And they found themselves not very particularly liking one another and then a few years that go a few years later They run into each other and they were both in relationship at this point They still didn't like each other and then about 10 years had passed from their original meeting And They met up and they just and they're both single at this point So they decided to build a friendship with one another they built a friendship with one another Now what I love about this story It's a classic example of two people being genuine with each other Being genuine with each other because there was no agenda in the process So what I like was that each one of them was comfortable in their own skin comfortable in their own skin By the way, I have my notes comfortable in their own skin And in addition what was unique about them Was that they were radically honest with each other about their feelings. They were radically honest with each other about their feelings And and even if I want to piggyback on that they were also their true genuine self and there was something very unique about sally For those who remember her she was very neurotic in the way she ordered food Um, she was you know, I'd like to have the the meatloaf But if the gravy I'd like to have the gravy and a cup on the side and I'd like to have the Caesar salad But if it has croutons, I'd like you to put it on the left corner of the plate And I'd like to have the pie ala mode But if you don't have vanilla ice cream that I want cherry pie instead of apple pie I want it heated that if you can't have it heated then I want a chocolate bar instead and harry's looking her and like Oh my god, she is insane. She is neurotic But she was just comfortable in her own skin And more importantly the two of them were radically honest with each other. They actually shared their genuine feelings with one another And in addition to that You know as they built this friendship up they genuinely cared for one another They genuinely cared for one other. They were looking out for one another as if they were, you know, like I've got your back I've got your back And lastly they finally met each other where they're at and what I mean to say is when they end up getting into a fight in this dynamic harry realized How much he cared for her and what he realized most was he didn't like all the great Qualities that she had that she was attractive and cute and charming and that sort of thing He liked those qualities in her that were weird that you know at the end of the movie He says I love it that it takes you an hour and a half to order a ham sandwich I love it that you think 71 degrees is cold I love it that you're the first person I think of when I get up in the morning And you're the last person I think of when I go to bed and when he realized um when he realized How much he cared for her He realized she was the one and only and he rushed over her over to her during new year's eve to tell her So what's the moral of the story here and how does this relate to your relationship? Whether you're currently dating with someone or you just you're looking to date someone in the future I think what's really challenging today as I started this broadcast is that fact that we're meeting total strangers today And in that because the current dating process is hyper focused on romance on romance leading relationship success I always believe that romance should be reserved for once you're in a relationship Not as a precursor to be in a relationship I'm going to repeat that not as a precursor to be in relationship And what lesson we can learn from sally most importantly is that she operated from her sovereign self She was comfortable in her own skin. She wasn't trying to impress him She wasn't trying to shift his perspective She was just being her authentic self and it's as if she read my book and if you're not familiar with my book What the heck is self love anyway, by the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend it's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work So we can lean into finding our genuine authentic self and that's what sally did And there's something incredibly attractive about that when a person is just being Their true authentic self warts and all in other words the way she ordered food and by the way harry had his own You know a misogynistic Qualities that probably wouldn't be acceptable today. In fact most movies Produced 30 or 40 years ago aren't don't seem to be acceptable today, but but and but and Certainly in our current times ultimately it's about being our authentic self Now here's the thing about self-worth a lot of people lean into their self-worth from an egoic Entitled place. There are so many women The biggest complaint by men is that so many women are acting from an entitled place and at the same token There's so many women operating from a doormat place So we have the book ends entitled in one end and book or doormat the other Ultimately, I want you to sift through all that dysfunctionality and find your genuine authentic self and show up In that capacity in your relationship. So coming back to my book Chapter one is speak your truth do it with kindness speak your truth do it with kindness And eventually later on the book There's a chapter called if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person Ladies I want to encourage you stop giving your power away to men I know you love the idea of you can just sit back and your feminine energy and the guy is going to claim you But just recognize this Most men are bad at the dating process This is why you are in charge of your relationship destiny and what I encourage all my clients to do is lead by example Lead by example Now, I know this is scary and this is tough And it's very difficult to be genuinely vulnerable. I understand that because it's a it feels like a huge risk This is why I want everybody to check out this new book. I just purchased. I just got it today But it's called emotional intimacy. I'm gonna put on my glasses emotional intimacy A comprehensive guide for connecting with the power of your emotions A comprehensive guide to connecting to the power of your emotions. Why is this so critically important? Ladies I recognize you think men are either emotionally dysfunctional or weak Or unavailable, which is true But women you ladies are no better at this You know either just because you can vomit your emotions to your girlfriends and you have an outlet to vomit your emotions Doesn't mean in relationship You have a healthy relationship skills Let me repeat that a lot of you think just because you can express your emotions to your girlfriends Doesn't mean that you actually have the skill set to actually be in a healthy happy relationship from a healthy communication standpoint In fact, most communication comes from a very victim consciousness And a very violent way. This is why um, marshal Rosenberg wrote the book nonviolent communication Marshal Rosenberg nonviolent communication and why I'm recommending this book is to actually learn to communicate your emotions In a healthier way and with this book emotional intimacy when you're actually dating someone you should be reading these books together Ladies Don't let the penis go inside the vagina until you've actually vetted one another to determine if you're on the same page I'm going to give you three quick questions You can ask a guy right from the gecko to determine this What do you want in a relationship not do you want a relationship? What do you want in a relationship number one number two? What does a relationship mean to you? That's a really powerful question. What does a relationship mean to you and lastly? Why should I consider dating you? Why should I consider dating you and folks? Both of you better be answering these questions together because you have to show up You know confident within yourself to describe why should he should date you and you should ask him? Why should you why should he date you and why should you date him? I think these are really radical questions to ask. Well, some people might say well jonathan, that's crossing my boundaries That's way too personal Folks, we don't have time to fuck around Let me tell you what's really personal when you fuck on the first second or third date and the person goes to you That's really personal Okay, so why not ask some deeper questions before you go down the romance path? I know it feels good. It feels good to be romanced. I know it makes you feel worthy But ultimately romance isn't an indication of relationship success Real bonding with one another saying I've got your back. I'm here. You matter. We are important I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you that is the core to relationship success And that's what I invite you all to begin to lean into So to recap this conversation before we take questions. I just want to remind you be comfortable in your own skin Be radically honest with one another What else did I share genuinely choose someone where you genuinely care about each other's feelings and meet each other at the middle Meet each other at the 50 yard line Or as I always say look at a relationship like a two lane street where you're both making effort mutually And hopefully and I say hopefully because there are no guarantees in life This person that you're with Will see you as the one and only and my hope is you get to see him as the one and only as well Has this helped at all if it has please give me an amen. Thank you so much All right, well, we're going to take questions in a seconds if you're brand new to my channel There's a chat if you're on the live stream right now. There's a chat box You can post the post write the word question post the question thereafter or purchase a super sticker super chat There's a dollar sign there In the super sticker super chat The funds from that goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor as like who passed away a few years going again That's a picture of those are some pictures of him right there The scholarship fund is to help defray the costs of personal development for those who seek personal development help And to donate to those personal development causes that I believe are quite worthy Which include the hoffman process or insight So we're going to take questions now by the way, I got a question before we got started So while I'm waiting for questions to come in and don't forget to purchase a super sticker super chat Oh, and if you're listening to the audio portion, you won't be able to do so this question came in So I want to share this with everyone All right My sweater is a little off uh jonathan Oh, wait, let me keep my glasses on jonathan. There's a guy I met and I'm feeling really anxious because I like him What to do jonathan there's a guy I met I'm feeling really anxious. I like this guy. What do I do? Oh my god, I love this question and it's kind of reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my monthly clients yesterday She has a propensity to get anxious in the early stages of dating And we were talking about managing her emotions during this time And I thought I would share what's actually happening to me right now as we speak So I'm going to share something personal and to help illustrate what to do when you're feeling anxious. So Now let me just be candid with everyone I if you're not familiar with love attachment style I highly recommend checking out checking out the book attached by amir levin and rachel heller Amir levin and rachel heller love attachment. Uh, there's basically three types of love attachment There's anxious and then there's some versions of anxious in there There's avoidance and then there's secure anxious avoidance secure anxious are needy people Avoidant are kind of emotionally closed off people and secure are people that can lean into a relationship Okay, so just giving you the concept of that I personally have what's known as a anxious love attachment style That means and what we typically do is when we're anxious We tend to choose avoidant personalities and when we're avoidant we tend to choose anxious people And what that means is I get highly I get a ton of anxiety when I don't feel safe In relationship, that's what happens to me I get very very anxious And this is even true in the beginning states of dating and it's really fascinating to Witness my personality when I'm anxious and this is just happened to me So about 10 days ago I or you know nine or 10 days ago, I connected with someone through a dating app I'll be candid with you the dating app is called the league the league and if you're not familiar with it I recommend checking it out. I'm currently on bumble tinder hinge Match.com millionaire match I look at each one of them is to spoke in the wheel as an opportunity to meet people I wouldn't otherwise meet my daily life. I work from home. So I don't meet people in my daily life So I use the dating apps as a vortex or a vehicle to meet someone And I met this person on hinge and we exchanged, you know over the course of about four days We exchanged a message with each other And then you know and I was attracted to our photographs and I really appreciated the messages And then we jumped on a phone call And we ended up having a two-hour phone call and we really really hit it off. I was like I was really Feeling like a a sense of like a wow like, you know, and and I've had lots of telephone calls that didn't feel that way And I've had other phone calls that have felt that way as well And I found myself going to bed that night and I was feeling rather excited rather excited In fact, I had a hard time sleeping and she was currently traveling and she wasn't she wasn't gonna She actually just returned today. Um, this was on monday our first phone call We had another phone call on tuesday And I noticed our communication styles was a little bit different when it came to Organizing the telephone call and I found myself getting incredibly anxious. Oh my god What was going on inside my head? I was spinning out of control I was spinning out of control And then we didn't speak the next day, which was wednesday and then we jumped on the phone again on thursday and And I was it was it was fascinating to witness the feelings going on inside of me Now the old jonathan when I was feeling the the mismatch in communication I don't mean when we were actually on the telephone call. I'm talking about our communication just to organize the telephone call felt I'm very demonstrative. I'm very abusive. I'm a flirt and and she's not that type That's not her personality style and for all I know she's just being a little bit reserved because she doesn't know me And the fact that I've gotten over infatuated isn't very uncommon now. You might have heard the term love bombing that men do Listen when a man is excited We can go through an alliteration of different types of feelings when we feel excited and certainly Love bombing or planning the future is very common. You don't have to be a narcissist to do that The garden variety, you know, red-blooded guy can be that way. And by the way, everything i'm sharing a woman can feel this way as well And so what was interesting when I got on the phone with my client on thursday before I spoke to This woman and by the way, we have a date planned on sunday lunch date And what was interesting when I shared with my client because I knew she would appreciate this And I shared almost exactly what I just shared with you And as I was sharing it to her she goes, oh my god, jonathan. I so Resonate with that. I knew she would because we've had these conversations before Now what she pointed out and what was interesting In fact, she pointed this out earlier before we had the conversation Was the idea of awareness awareness. I was aware of my emotions. I was aware of my emotions So the old jonathan when there was a mismatching communication I would have kept trying harder trying harder trying harder trying harder trying harder Now you've heard the term chasing someone Chasing someone is when you are trying harder than them I'm gonna repeat that chasing someone is when you try harder than them And I had to really sit with my emotions. So So I sat with my emotions and did nothing other than spin out of control inside of myself Now you would think gosh with all the personal development work done work done work I've done How could this happen? I'm a red I'm a red blooded human being like everyone else as much work as I've done To heal my childhood wounds and traumas and my adult traumas and my negative patterns and limiting belief at the core I'm still a red blooded human being in my default love attachment style is a tap is anxious so first An 80 percent of this is awareness. I was just really aware of my feelings And I was able to articulate my feelings to my client to help demonstrate this just as I am with you And I'm in the one benefit I do come to is a place where I can actually articulate my feelings from a non-victim based consciousness I'm going to repeat that the non-victim based consciousness Sadly most human beings communicate their feelings very much from a victim Orientation women you do this men do this and this is one of the reasons why couples are butting heads with each other Because they're not communicating in a healthy emotional way Now to piggyback on this So 80 percent is awareness What I told my client is 10 percent is navigating your emotions in other words. I didn't vomit my feelings with her. I didn't I didn't try to force the situation. I stayed contained in my feelings And then here's what I want to share for this person that wrote in What I did afterwards was take inspired action So we end up getting on the phone last night And as we were talking with one another and again, we're planning our date and we're just getting to know each other She actually asked me a really personal question. She asked about my childhood Which I think is a great question to ask someone to get a sense and and I get us because we had talked about doing therapy and we talked about personal development such she asked about my childhood Which I really appreciated and I said and I'll just Her nickname is Minnie Mouse My Pilates instructor nicknamed her Minnie Mouse because she's got this interesting quality of a very like girl next door kind of voice to her which Which I really appreciate and I said to Minnie Mouse. I said, um I have something very vulnerable to share with you. Is that okay? I'm something very vulnerable to share with you. Is that okay? Now the rule book would say never do what I'm about what I did the rules would never say this but I Love myself enough to know I can say anything because if it's sincere and from the heart I can't scare the wrong person away And what I did was I shared the feelings I was experiencing And what happened next floored me that didn't really floor me. I actually I think I had a sense I knew how she would respond. She was so grateful so appreciative Of me sharing my feelings and she even let on that she had a little bit of a crush for me I I'm saying this in a tiny sense not a crush, but that she genuinely liked me And she said that she liked me even more because I was vulnerable Authentic and transparent Now I know another a lot of my male Contemporaries out there not necessarily contemporaries in the dating coaching business would call me a wimp They call me a simp. They call me a pussy. They call me pandering to women Here's the thing vulnerability takes courage Vulnerability takes courage radical honesty takes courage. There is nothing wimpy wussy Pussy whatever terminology some people would use there is nothing weak about sharing how you feel And the right person actually leans into the conversation with you and the wrong person runs away ladies you can actually be Vulnerable authentic and transparent with someone and the right person will appreciate it and you will only scare the wrong person away So coming back to this original question Where did it go? Jonathan there's a guy I met and I'm I'm feeling really anxious because I like him. What do I do? You know what you do first be aware of your feelings Next that's 80 percent of it be aware of your feelings 10 percent Is managing your feelings and then lastly take inspired action Whatever that looks like for you and it might not be doing anything in my case I shared my feelings and my hope is That she actually is getting to know me at an intimate level at an intimate level. I don't mean sexual intimacy I mean emotional intimacy Into me you see into me you see because ultimately if you want to be someone's one and only You're going to have to reach that level of emotional intimacy and as I recommended this book earlier emotional intimacy If you really want to experience a juicy delicious happy relationship It's time to get radically honest with people because the current dating process of chasing chemistry and using romance for As the indicator of relationship success isn't working It isn't working And it isn't going to going forward. What's going to happen is it's going to require being a little bit Contrarian than the normal person out there. At least that's my invitation for you I want to thank that person for the question once again. Thank you so much I really appreciate it giving you a big gigantic hug for that one allowed me to share my own feelings All right, we're going to just take one more question for the day because my neck is hurting right now Question what's your advice? He wants to move in together, but he doesn't want to lose his freedom So I suggested saying at hotel some nights days by myself By himself Cocoa, this is a great question. In fact, I know a couple who is married They got married in their late 60s in fact This is her first marriage and this is his second marriage They're about a year apart in age and they they got engaged about eight months after dating. They moved I think they moved in together around that time They got married about 13 months after they met And they found out that the spending 20 and they're both retired. So spending 24 7 has been very stressful to them So they made an arrangement where once a week Each one of them leaves the house, you know sometime around 8 a.m 9 a.m And goes off and does their own thing Well, the person staying in the house does their own thing And they come back around five or six in the evening give or take and I'm sure it's not a rigid System that they have but it's a loose system of about eight or nine hours apart Gives them space and they do it. I think on Tuesdays and Thursdays one goes out of the home and the other person goes out of the home I'm not sure I'd be you know inclined to go to an apartment. That's a rather expensive Proposition, I mean you certainly can do that Or maybe you can just get a crash pad. That's one possibility the thing about losing freedom You know when someone feels like a relationship is Constrictive and restrictive then it's possible that they may not be capable of a live-in type of arrangement And a lot of couples these days are doing something hold on everyone for a second A lot of couples are doing the following They're doing something called living together apart living together apart and coco You may want to check out this book called living together apart, which is a it's a really short book It's a tiny little book. It's an easy guide To navigating a relationship where you're actually living in separate residences And in fact a lot of couples are choosing this as their method of being in relationship And being very aware of it. So they're they basically have made a commitment to be with one another, but they don't live together I have a friend Who's currently uh have been in that kind of relationship for three years Three and a half years and they're actually now finally moving in together But it took a lot of work to get there and they they read this book as a precursor to help them navigate Some of the challenges that happens When two people either live together or don't live together. So I highly recommend checking out this book coco All right, so thank you so much for that question Um, and I hope that helped All right, I'm just going to scroll through here real quick Folks my neck is I've got a little pinch neck right now So it's going to be hard for me to continue But I want to read some of these comments um A lot of people are saying amen. Thank you so much. Uh, amen. Amen. Amen. It's resonating. I'm so happy to hear that Um, I hope you appreciated my personal share as well You know, I hope you appreciated that one and listen, we're going to wrap up today. It's friday I want you all to go out have a fantastic time this weekend Um, and my hope is this content Resonates with you. My hope is you're looking at relationships from a different perspective Not from the old narrative that romance and chemistry equals relationship success What i'm encouraging everyone is to be radically honest be comfortable in your own skin Be more deliberate more intentional because that has a greater chance of relationship success than the way most people are doing it And that's winging it winging it winging it and I don't want you to wing it anymore Are you on board with that? I hope you are. All right. Thank you all so much for joining me tonight Um, and again, uh, please purchase a super sticker super chat the next time so we can build up that connor as like Scholarship fun. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Give myself a big gigantic job at the barrack of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye now Let's say goodbye to Teresa And jazz and glenn and jane and kimberley and michelle. Thank you all for being on have a wonderful evening everyone. Bye now