 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson. Friends, there's no doubt about it. Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Now, freshness is particularly important. For if a cigarette isn't truly fresh, it can't possibly give you the enjoyment it should. That's why every pack of Lucky's is extra tightly sealed. To bring you Lucky's better taste in all its natural freshness. Yes, Lucky's do taste better because First, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Then two, Lucky's taste better because they're made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. So friends, smoke the cigarette that has better taste when it's made and then brings you all that better taste in a fresh cigarette. Yes, be happy. Go Lucky. Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike and find out for yourself that Lucky's really do taste better. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the sportsman for 10 years, Julie Dobbins. Friday was New Year's Day and 1954 was ushered in by the nation's gridiron classic, the Rose Bowl game between UCLA and Michigan State before a record crowd of nearly 100,000 people. This game always produces statistics that are mulled over by sports lovers for weeks to come. How many yards each team gained by running? How many yards gained by passing? How many passes completed? How many intercepted? Yes, even the star of our show has been stunned by the amazing figures compiled by this football classic. 100,000 people at $5 apiece. Gosh, what a game. I must have been jack. It seems the Rose Bowl game gets more and more exciting every year. I can remember when it was only 80,000 people at $3 apiece. Anyway, Don, did you notice that play where Paul Cameron got the ball? I didn't see the game, Jack. You didn't? Wait a minute, Don. I thought I saw you in Pasadena that morning. Well, you did, but I went right home. Believe me, I'm never going there again. Oh, cheer up, Don. Maybe next year you'll win the prize as the best float. And take those roses out of your hair. You look silly. Besides, I thought that... Hi, Jack. Hello, Don. Oh, hello, Bob. Hi, Bob. Jack and I were just talking about the big game New Year's Day. You saw it, didn't you, Bob? Oh, sure. I haven't missed the game in the Rose Bowl since Bing bought it. Bing? Bing bought the Rose Bowl? Well, not exactly. He bought Pasadena and they threw that in. Oh, well, Bob... Bob, as much as I like your brother, we're supposed to be doing a radio program. Now, get your band ready. Jack, what kind of program are we going to do today? Well, Don, since this is our first show of the New Year, I thought maybe we ought to do a sketch based... Oh, hello, Mary. Hi, Jack. Hi, fellas. Hello, Don. Hello, Mary. Glad you're feeling better. Yes, Mary, it's certainly good to have you back on the show. Well, Jack, I hated to miss last Sunday's program, but I had that thing that's been going around. Virus X. Yes, I know. That's why I sent over my doctor. Some doctor. Why, what's wrong? I've got news for you. He's a horse doctor. He is not a horse doctor. He is, isn't he? When he got to my house, he threw a blanket over me and walked me around the room to cool me off. No. When he started to braid my hair, I threw him out. And that explains it. You know, one day I called him up and told him my ankles hurt and he sent me over four bandages. Well, anyway, Mary, didn't my doctor give you any advice at all? Yes. He told me I had Virus X and I shouldn't run tomorrow. Mary, I'm trying to be serious. What did he really tell you? Well, he said it wasn't dangerous. Gave me a prescription and charged me $10. Oh. And he told me that 300,000 people had Virus X. 300,000 people had $10? That's even better than football, isn't it? Jack, Jack, what are you mumbling about? Nothing, nothing. Now, come on, this is our New Year's show, so let's get out with it. Hey, by the way, have any of you kids made your New Year's resolutions? I have. Oh, you have, Don? Yeah, I made a resolution to cut my food in half. Well, I'm glad to hear that. It isn't good manners to take a whole turkey and stuff it in your mouth. I've seen you do it, you know. No, no, no, Jack, I'm serious about losing weight. I've given up bread, butter and potatoes. Don, if you ever stop eating potatoes, Idaho will secede from the Union. The resolution, I hope that Dennis Day resolves not to annoy me anymore with those... Hey, by the way, Jack, where is Dennis? Oh, he won't be here for the show. He gets sillier every day. He sent me a note saying that he was in the hospital. Stupid kid expecting me to believe what he told me. Oh, now wait just a minute, Jack, there's a lot of sickness going around. Dennis could be in the hospital. Having a baby? Say, Jack, do you mind if I don't stay for the whole program? I'd like to leave early. Why? What do you have to do? Nothing, I just can't stand 30 minutes of this. I don't blame you. Say, Bob, as long as Dennis isn't here, would you consider singing any kind of... Many times, many times, I have long... Wait for the orchestra! Oh, I'm sorry. Take it, fellas. What an eager beaver. Many times, many times, with the thought of holding you, I've dreamed it's so fast it's come to searching. Very good, Bob, very good. And now for an encore, I will... Bob, we only... I hope I'm not interrupting nothing, Mr. Benny. No, no, what do you want, Mel? I wanted to tell you that I'm available again. Available again? I'm sick with that virus, but Mr. Benny was kind enough to send over his doctor. Oh, Jack's doctor, eh? What'd he do for you? Oh, he gave me a shot, and now I feel fine. F*** her again, and I'll keep you in mind if anything turns up. Thanks. Oh, just a minute, Mel. Folks, give Mel Blanket great big hand. You can go now, Mel. Oh, Mr. Benny, I don't like to mention it, but this year you forgot to give me your Christmas present. You just got it. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. I like Mel. He's always good for a laugh. Yeah, he was sure of the life of the party at my house New Year's Eve. Well, Don, we certainly had a great time. You can say that again, Bob. And Mary, Mary, I'm awfully glad you were well enough to attend my party, too. Oh, so am I, Don. I had a wonderful time, but I haven't had a chance to tell you what happened after Jack and I left your house. Oh, Mary. What happened, Mary? Come on, tell me. Well, Mary, it's all over now. Forget about it. I will not. Oh, Mary, don't tell him now, will you? I will. Don, it was about two in the morning, and Jack was taking me home. Oh, gosh, it was a wonderful party. Yeah, Mary, sure it was a great New Year's Eve party. And isn't it a lovely night out? Mmm, sure it is. What a beautiful sky. You know, the stars look so close, and they seem to be different colors. Red, pink, blue, yellow. That's confetti on your glasses. Oh, yes. Anyway, Mary, it was certainly a wonderful New Year's Eve party. We sure had a lot of... Oh, Mary, folks, pardon me. Huh? What do you think I ought to get my wife for Christmas? Christmas? Mr. Christmas was a whole week ago. This is New Year's. You mean it's already 1949? Look, it's 1954. Oh, my goodness, I better get home. Everybody celebrates in his own way, I guess. Well, here's your house. Here's your house, Mary. Yeah. Mary. What is it, Jack? Well, since this is the New Year, how about give me a little kiss? Oh, Jack, let's not go through that again. You always get so emotional. I do not. You do too. The last time I kissed you, you ran home, threw yourself across the bed, and cried for an hour. Well, I always do, and I drink too much. You had one glass of eggnog. Well, somebody spiked the nutmeg. Anyway, Mary. Well, good night, Jack, and a happy New Year. Good night, Mary. Hey, wait a minute, Mary. How would you like to go to the Rose Bowl game? Hey, that would be wonderful, but have you got tickets? No, but there's plenty of time. Look, the game doesn't start tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow? It's already two o'clock in the morning. Well, don't worry about it. I'll get the tickets. Come on, let's go in your house. I want to use your phone. That's an old excuse, but I'll take a chance. Now, let's see. Who can I... Well, I'll be darned. There's the blanket. You weren't kidding about my doctor, were you? Now, let's see. Who can I get tickets from? Jack, you shouldn't call anyone. It's two o'clock in the morning. Yeah, but it's New Year's. Now, who can I call for tickets? Well, let me see now. Do you know Red Sanders, the coach of UCLA? Not very well. But wait a minute. I'm pretty friendly with Jess Hill. You know the coach of USC? I'll call him. The USC coach? Oh, he may have... Wait a minute, Jack. You can't call Jess Hill at this hour. He may be asleep. What do you mean, asleep? He hasn't slept since the Notre Dame game. But maybe he isn't in a good mood. Wait a minute. I know who'll let me have the extra tickets if he has any. Who? Ronald Coleman. Jack, you wouldn't call Mr. Coleman at this hour. Why not? This is New Year's Eve. Hand me the phone. Yeah. The Ronald Coleman residence, Sherwood, the butler speaking. Sherwood, this is Mr. Benny. May I speak to Mr. Coleman? Mr. Coleman is asleep, sir. A sleep already? Didn't he celebrate New Year's Eve? Oh, yes. We had a rip-roaring time here till almost nine o'clock. Nine o'clock? How could you celebrate the New Year that early? We're on London time, you know. Well, Sherwood, the reason I call is to find out if Mr. Coleman has any extra tickets to the Rose Bowl. Oh, I'm sure he hasn't any. Oh. Well, in that case, Sherwood, I'm sorry I woke you up. But I do want to take this opportunity to wish you a happy New Year. And that 1954 will be a year that you and yours will enjoy not only health and happiness, but every... I say, old chap, would you mind saying goodbye? I'm going to the draft, going up my night shirt. Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye, Sherwood. Goodbye. Uh, do you have any luck, Jack? No, the Coleman's didn't have any extra tickets. But they have cross ventilation. What? Nothing, nothing. Jack, it's after 2.30. I'm going to bed. Wait a minute, Mary. I just thought of something. For the Rose Bowl game, they always put about 6,000 tickets on public sale. All we have to do is go down and buy them at the box office. Jack, there'll be a million people there. All right, so look how early we'll be. Now, I'll call Rochester, have him pick us up in my car and take us out to Pasadena. Do you think the car will make this hill, Jack? Sure. Rochester, give it a little more gas. Okay. Later, Mary, you can hop in now. Try to make some time, Rochester. Yes, sir. Hey, Rochester, where were you when Mr. Benny called you? I was at a party on Central Avenue. Was the party over? Oh, no. In fact, it was getting bigger and bigger. Who gave it? I don't know. The people started it. It died six years ago. Rochester, you mean the party's been going on for six years? Longer than that, some of the people there are still drinking near beer. Don't they know that prohibition was repealed? There's one that was started. Rochester, I know a shortcut to Pasadena. Turn to the left on the next corner. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. If you turn left, you'll be going in the wrong direction. You should turn right. No, I think left. What do you think, Rochester? Straight ahead. Look, there's a policeman on the corner. Stop the car and I'll ask him. Pardon me. Do we turn left here to get to the Rose Bowl? I don't know. Well, will this street take us to Pasadena? I don't know. Well, does it lead into the freeway? I don't know. I don't know anything. A fine policeman, you are. I'm not a policeman. Then why are you wearing that blue uniform? I'm a Western Union boy, but I look lousy and brown. Rochester, straight down this street, then turn left till we hit the freeway. Gee, what a crowd. Yeah. Here it is almost noon. We've been standing in this ticket line for five hours. Yeah. Oh, look! Here comes the Rose Bowl band marching into the stadium. I wish this ticket line would move. I want to make sure to... Hey, you back there! Stop shoving! Wonder how long it'll be before we... I said stop shoving! I can't understand, Mary. People go to football games and it brings out the worst. Look, I warned you twice. If you shoved me once more, I'll drag you out of line. I can't help it, mister. People are pushing me. Control yourself. All right. Lucky for her, she's wearing glasses. Say, Mary, I'm getting kind of hungry. Me, too. I think there's a man selling hot dogs over there. Where? Oh, yes. Hey, mister, are you with the hot dog? How many is your desire? Why is Mr. Kitzel? Likewise, and season's greetings to you, too, Miss Livingstone. Well, same to you, Mr. Kitzel. And, you know, this is a coincidence. The first time we met you was at the Rose Bowl and you were selling hot dogs then, too. That was eight years ago. These are the same hot dogs. I had some left over. Well, if these hot dogs are eight years old, I don't think I want any. Mr. Bennet, you I'll give the fresh ones and they'll be only six cents apiece. Wait a minute. Hot dogs for only six cents apiece? Where do you get your meat? From a doctor in Beverly Hills. That must be your horse doctor. Do you want the pickle in the middle and the mustard on top or the mustard in the middle and our carrot on top? Mr. Kitzel, stop making jokes and here's your money. Thank you, Mr. Bennet, and a very happy New Year. Same to you. Same to you. Say, Mary, gee, this hot dog tastes good. Darn it, this line doesn't seem to move up at all. I sure hope we can get tickets. I'm so anxious to see the game. Hey, Chum. Chum. Huh? You say you want to get tickets? You say you want to see the game? Tell you when I'm going to do it. Why? I got a pair of tickets smack on the 40-odd line and you can have them for only 50 bucks. He's choking on Man of War. Right, I'm choking. Look, Mr. You got a nerve charging $50 for a pair of football tickets. That ain't nothing. I hate about a comedian who gives applause for Christmas presents. Hey, you back there, I warned you three times to stop shoving. If you don't, I'll... You what? Somebody must have taken her place. I took her place. I'm her husband. Well, congratulations. She's a lovely girl. Jack, move up. You're next to the ticket window. Oh, yes, yes. All right, Mr. How many tickets do you want? How much are they? $5.50. Here's my money, Jack. No, no. No, no, Mary, I'll pay for these. I'll buy my own. I've still got money left from the May Company. Okay. One ticket, Mr. Please. Here you are. And give me one ticket right next to hers. Here you are, and boy, you two lucky. Those are the last tickets. How do you like that, the last ticket? Come on, Mary, let's get out of here. Boy, are we lucky. I had my heart set out on a gear on seeing this game and now I'm going to see it. Come on, Mary, we're over at tunnel 16. Okay. Kind of chilly. I want to get a cup of coffee first. You want one, Mary? No, I don't want to get mixed up in that crowd. I'll go ahead and hold our seats. Okay. See you in a few minutes, Mary. Don't let them start the game without me. Let's see where I can get the coffee. Oh, there's a stand over there. Yeah, da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Da-dum. Oh, boy, I was up all night, stood in line for five hours, but it was worth it to get this ticket. Yeah, da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Hey, mister. Mister. Huh? How many tickets you got to the game? One. What did you pay for it? $5.50. I'll give you $6 for it. What? Are you crazy? I've been looking forward to this game all year. I've been up all night calling people, begging people for tickets. I drove all the way down here from Beverly Hills in that traffic. I waited in line all night to get this ticket. I'll give you $8. It's guys like you that always... How much? Eight bucks. Mister, do me a favor, will you? What? There'll be a girl sitting next to you. Tell her you picked my pocket. Okay, here's your money. Thanks. So long, mister. Da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. I hate to miss that game. But then again, with this money, I can... Wait a minute. What kind of $5 bill did he give me? Look at the picture on it. Liberace. The other side is his brother, George. First, a word from the sweetheart of Lucky Strike. Hi, friends. This is Dorothy Collins. You know, I'll bet that if someone asked you why you smoked, what it was exactly you liked about a cigarette? I'll bet the important word in your answer would be taste. Because, gee, isn't good taste what everybody wants in a cigarette? Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. And there are two good reasons why that's true. In the first place, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And second, Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. And that, friends, is the whole story. That's exactly why Lucky's taste better. Because Lucky's are made with fine tobacco. And because they're made better. Why don't you try a carton soon? Be happy. Go Lucky. How about it? Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky's strike means fine tobacco. Richard tasting, fine tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Well, anyway, Don, now you know I'll never go to another football game with Jack. I don't blame you, Murray. That smart guy buying my ticket with that phony $5 bill. I'd like to see him again. I tell him plenty. Well, drop into Syros tonight and you can. How do you know he's gonna be there? I got a date with him. How do you like that? Good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.