 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley at johnthasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the four obvious signs he won't commit, even if he loves you. So sorry about this. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. So once again, all I ask is you give me a chance. All right, let's talk about the four obvious signs he's not going to commit even if he loves you. Now the challenge with the obvious signs is when you're actually feeling connection with another human being, it's very difficult to notice these signs. That's why this is such an important topic to discuss today. And if we're going to discuss the obvious signs why he isn't going to commit if he loves you, well, then I think it's important to explore love. And I say this because, listen, my audience is predominantly women. And I do believe women view love from the fantasy perspective, from the Disney perspective, from the Hollywood romance perspective. And while most women cognitively can say, that's not the case, the reality is is most human beings are actually rather dysfunctional in their relationship skills, and they're actually rather dysfunctional in their dating practices, which causes them to get attached, oftentimes to the wrong people, believing that it's love, believing that it's love. And the reason why I said the word attached, if you're not familiar with the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I'm going to show this to you, the book is called Attached. Now, why this is such a critically important book to understand and to read is to understand something called love attachment style, love attachment style, not love American style like the old 60s TV show, love attachment style. And there's three primary love attachment styles. There are anxious love attachers, there's avoidant love attachers, and then there's secure. Now, I'm not going to go into the understanding of these because I invite you to do this for yourself. In fact, you can go to the, you can type in the book attached and go to their website to determine what love attachment style you are. What's most important about understanding this is most humans actually attached to another human being believing that it's love, believing that it's love. And what typically gets this process going is the fantasy belief that chemistry and romance equals love, that chemistry and romance equals love. And the problem with chemistry and romance equaling love is that most of the time the chemistry or the initial stages of dating is driven by lust or limerence. Let me repeat that, lust or limerence. Lust is that obvious sexual desire to be with someone. And when you meet someone where you totally physically are attracted to one another and you practically want to rip each other's clothes off and you go, well, let's wait a few days but you can't help yourself. That's simply lust that's been percolated through chemistry and chemistry is chemicals being released in the brain throughout the body telling you this feels good. This feels good. Just like crack cocaine. When you shoot up, you know, heroin or cocaine. Ah, those were the days. You know, there was this belief that by the way it made you temporarily feel good, temporarily feel good. And that's what chemistry does. It temporarily feels good when you have these chemicals being released in your body. Okay, why is this so critically important? Oh, and limerence. Limerence is extreme infatuation. When you just feel like, oh my God, this is my kindred spirit. This is my soulmate. This is the one. When we're feeling this amped up energy in the early stages, we confuse this as being love. Now, how do I know this? Well, because how many times have you pursued chemistry? I know I have. Only to find out that you wanted nothing to do with the person shortly thereafter. That certainly isn't love and this idea of love at first sight. Sure, I do believe a lot of this love at first sight rhetoric is really just that chemical attraction that luster limerence, because the reality is, is love isn't built in the good times. Love is actually built through the tough times. And if you really want to ask yourself, is this person genuinely in love with me? Then I invite you to ask yourself, is this person willing to sit by my side as I'm going through chemotherapy and they will wipe the vomit off of my face because I'm throwing up. Because that's what love does. And that's how love responds. And yet the vast majority of humans focus on love from the fantasy perspective or they have a complete misunderstanding of this love attachment I shared with you or worse, they don't understand something called the amago, the amago. And if you're not familiar with the amago, I highly recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Because the amago basically, the principle behind the amago is that we choose partners similar to one or both of our parents because we, because A, it feels familiar to us. So if we had an avoidant parent, if we had an abusive parent, this is where oftentimes we choose terrible partners for us. And because it's familiar because of how we were raised, we believe this is love because that's how our parents showed us love. And so oftentimes when women choose abusive men or avoidant men, most likely their father was that way. Or when a man chooses a controlling woman, most likely his mother was that way. And that's a very, or maybe had a very dismissive mother, an avoidant mother, and he chooses women like that because they're reliving their childhood. And by the way, the definition of insanity is doing this over and over and over again and expecting different results. And sadly, the vast majority of human beings are following this pattern, believing that it's love. So when I talked about the four obvious signs he's not going to commit if he loves you, the real question is, does this person genuinely love me? Listen, I don't know how many times I've said the L word when I've been amped up on that chemistry, when I've been amped up on limerence and I really thought this was the one. And not that I would virtually say it on a first, second, or third date, but when you feel this chemical bond with someone, it can be rather addictive. And then the minute you have physical intimacy with someone, you can bond with them through oxytocin. And if you're not familiar with oxytocin, I highly recommend Googling it, but it's basically a chemical in the brain that bonds you to another human being. So why am I sharing all this? Because the reality is most human beings are rather dysfunctional in their dating process and they operate from a place of chemistry or romance as the driving force, they hyper focus on attraction and little or no understanding of compatibility. I'm gonna repeat that, little or no understanding of compatibility. And what fascinates me is women, I mean, I work with women predominantly. I'm sorry to throw you under the bus ladies, but you all have this fantasy of what compatibility is. And I say this because I work with hundreds of women a year in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And they're literally, they all cognitively believe something else and yet their actions say otherwise. This is why if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I highly recommend just checking this out for a moment. You can see above the waterline, it says chemistry. That's what we see first. By the way, the first thing we notice is chemistry. It's rare that we notice what's below the waterline, which is compatibility, which is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And I'm here to say the emotional maturity piece is the critical piece for a successful relationship. And I'm here to be blunt. I truly believe 80% of the population out there that is seeking a relationship or maybe in a relationship right now, quite frankly, 80% are either dysfunctional in their relationship skills, they're weak in their relationship skills or they have clinical issues that makes it very difficult for those people to be in relationship. I believe that 80% of the population has absolutely terrible relationship skills. So that's kind of depressing to think that, that 80% of the population, and by the way, it's probably closer than 95%. I'm being generous when I say 80%. And that can be rather depressing. This is why it's so critically important to understand this so you don't repeat patterns over and over and over again with the wrong people because the four obvious signs somebody isn't going to commit are blatantly obvious. And yet when we're amped up on chemistry, we can't see it because it's not obvious. And that's why we're gonna talk about it today, today, today, today. So number one, his life, his professional life or his life is in chaos, is in chaos, he's going through a lot of drama, trauma, issues in his professional life. And why this is so critically important to understand because for the most part men identify their whole life around their professional life. So if someone's life is in chaos and makes it quite difficult to actually lean into a relationship or even have the foundation to build a relationship with someone. And yet many of you women are in this fantasy land, well, if I stick it out with him during the tough times, he'll be there for me when I need him. Well, how often does that actually work out as well? But the reality is, is he can't be there for you because the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid. By the way, I'm only yelling, I know some people criticize my yelling, I'm yelling because I'm passionate about this, and I'm yelling because I wanna get it through so many of you people's thick heads. You're absolutely beating your heads up against the wall, expecting different results. And I'm here to, if I'm hopingly, I knocked some sense into you, this is a wake up call. And so when someone's professional life is in, I'm not talking about circumstances a bad day, I'm talking about the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. And by the way, you pick up on this stuff right on the first, second, or third date, asking them questions. But so many of you are leaning back in your feminine energy, you're just leaning in your feminine, you're just in your feminine, and you're not paying attention to what's actually happening. Stop sitting in your feminine and being in your empowered energy and pay attention. Okay, calm down, Jonathan. All right, number two. Number two, he has a contentious relationship with his ex or worse, he's still in love with his ex. Let me repeat that. He has a contentious relationship with his ex or worse, he's in love with his ex. How do you know he's in love with his ex? He constantly talks about her. How do you know he has a contentious relationship because he's constantly throwing her under the bus? And I'm like, I'm like, it cracks me up. How many of you will just, and by the way, men do everything I'm sharing today. Men do the same thing because when a woman's professional life is chaos, it's not a good, healthy person to be in relationship with when they have a contentious relationship with an ex, you're basically buying the bull to go with the cow and why does anyone want to buy any of the extras? So pay attention in those early stages. By the way, the vast majority of people are suckling on victim consciousness. You can pick this up very quickly. When they complain about their ex, it's a contentious relationship with their ex. Look at my ex and I had our issues for the first 10 out of the, it's been, we've been divorced now 16 years. Oh my, maybe 17 years now, I think almost. Wow, God, it's hard to believe we're almost at 17 years. First five, 10 years, it was contentious. The last five or six years and certainly ever since my son passed away, we have a really great relationship with her. I constantly am praising her on Mother's Day on social media because she did a great job raising our children. And so I'm here to say, when a person can speak positively about their ex, not incessantly, but positively from a loving place, that's a better sign than if they're throwing their ex under the bus or they still are rambling about them. Number four, he's always busy, busy, busy, busy, busy with his friends, busy with the sports activities. If he's constantly busy, that's a sign he's not ready to commit to you because a healthy, happy relationship is built through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest in spending time with each other's family and friends. That's how you build the deep roots of trust to actually form a healthy, happy relationship with someone. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back and watch my feminine energy. By the way, folks, I make fun of it because I believe it's a crock of shit. Masculine and feminine energy is a fucking crock of shit. Let me make it simple for you. Empowered energy and personhood. Empowered energy and personhood. Check out this book, this book about personhood. This is about leaning into your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance. Because this isn't a, by the way, masculine feminine energy is gender-based. It's gender-based, whether we call it energy, but it's still psychologically, we're thinking man or woman. This is why I'm more encouraging everyone to get into their empowered self-love energy. And if you're not familiar with my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? By the way, there's a link below. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work so we can get out of this bullshit gender rhetoric and actually start getting to the heart of what's going to help two people commit to one another. This is why ladies, I continually say over and over and over again, before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina, purchase two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman, so you can understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. But Jonathan, all you're doing is telling me to read books and read books. Why can't you just get to the fucking point in your videos? This is the bullshit rhetoric I hear sometimes on my channel. Folks, if you're not willing to invest a few bucks on a couple of books and invest 15 minutes a day in developing better relationship skills, better emotional skills, better cognitive skills, better relationship skills, and you have no fucking business being in a, well, first off, you will never achieve a healthy happy relationship. You will just repeat patterns of dysfunctionality over and over and over again. It's just, it's classic. By the way, are there exceptions to the rule? Absolutely. Are there some people who didn't have radically dysfunctional, you know, childhoods? Did some people have relatively good childhoods? Yeah, but even those of us that had relative, and there's a picture of my mom and dad married 66 years before my mom passed away and my dad's 96 and a half and still going strong. You know, I had a relatively average childhood, but void of my parents fuck me up. I mean, my mom was critical, my dad, my dad beat the shit out of me. That was garden variety, you know, shit that happened growing up as in a baby boom Gen X period of time. So my point is we all have shit. And we have a choice. We can either work on it or we can be oblivious to it. And the fourth obvious reason that for obvious sign he's gonna break up with you, and I'm gonna give you a bonus one before we wrap up, is that he make his effort is minimal to your effort. So you're making this much effort and he's making this much effort. When someone makes less effort than you, either match their effort or pay attention because if their effort is less than your effort, that's a good sign. He's not gonna either commit or he'll commit based on his terms. We are seeing a proliferation, especially for midlife folks where it's basically my way or the highway of how I wanna be in relationship. And quite frankly, this is why it's so dysfunctional because you women give your power away to men. But Jonathan, men are supposed to be the leaders of the relationship. That's the way Jesus and God told me to be. Folks, one up, one down relationships usually lead to a lot of, you're gonna have to be a submissive person to accept a one up, one down relationship. In other words, he's here and you're here. You're gonna have to be submissive. I'm here to encourage a mutual effort, a spiritual partnership with one another. This is why I highly recommend reading the book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov because stop, okay, look it. Everyone's entitled to do what they want. First off, no disrespect to those who prefer the one up, one down type of relationships. If that's what you want, fine. But just don't fucking complain about it when that person, it's their way or the highway, okay? Because that to me is a dysfunctional choice. And many of you women give your power away to men and you're gonna be regretting it. It's one of the reasons why 70% of all divorces are initiated by women because they finally say, stop giving my power away to a man. I told you there'd be a bonus reason why he doesn't commit. I don't wanna share this with you. And this is the reason why most guys don't commit. It's because they don't have a fucking plan. That's right. Most guys in midlife don't have a plan. Men in their 20s and 30s, usually they're on the hunt for a wife. So their plan is I want the mother of my children. So they have a plan. In their 40s, 50s or 60s, most people don't have a plan. They don't know what a relationship looks like. So I'm gonna give you a couple of clues on how to circumvent this. So ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, ask him this question. What does a relationship look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you? I'm gonna repeat that. What does relationship look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you? Don't ask if you want a relationship. Ask him what it looks like. And let me give you an example from my own playbook. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either getting married or living together. That's what it looks like for me and that's what commitment looks like for me. In other words, there's a plan. And if a guy doesn't have a plan, he's winging it, he's winging it, he's winging it. But sadly, you ladies are fucking winging it too because you give your, you expect the man to be in charge. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't leave it up to a guy. All right, I shared a lot of content today. I hope it made sense. I hope it may have gave you value. I hope this resonates with you because the reality is this, the traditional fantasy way isn't working. That's why I said, and this is why I'm a big proponent of taking charge of your destiny. And that's in all facets of your life. And it starts by loving on yourself, loving on yourself. And because when you can genuinely love yourself, you can actually begin to pay attention to the more critical things. And I'm gonna share those with you. Number one, know your standards. Number two, know the bigger picture, understand love attachment style, understand the amago, see the bigger picture. And lastly, when something feels off, it usually is. And you have a choice. You can walk away or you can lean in, leaning in and start talking to one another, start having deeper conversations. This is why I continually recommend this book, Eight Dates, or have even deeper conversations. Read this book called Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. It's kind of a dull read, but it's worth it. Because guess what? Intimacy, intimacy, into me you see. That is what's going to make a healthy, happy relationship when two people can bond at an intimate level. But Jonathan, if I do any of this, the guy will run away. He'll be overwhelmed. Ladies, only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. Only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. Only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. The right guy actually will lean in. Is this making sense? If it is, give me a thumbs up. Give me an amen, say hallelujah. All right, I think I covered the four obvious signs. He's never going to commit, even if he loves you, just as a reminder, his professional life is in chaos. He's got a contentious relationship with his ex, or he still is in love with his ex. He says he's always busy with family and friends. He puts in minimal effort in relationship to your effort. And that bonus reason is he doesn't have a plan to commit. All right, now it's time for Q&A. And if you're watching the live stream, there is a chat box in the corner where you can post questions, write the word question, post the question there after, or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the box. In the Super Stickers, all the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chats go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor, as laid the one who passed away, I shared earlier. That's a picture of him right there and right there. Okay. In his name, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those for seeking personal development work and to donate to those personal development charities that I believe are absolutely critical in making a difference in people's lives. So check out the Super Sticker Super Chat and you can post the question by writing the word question. And if you're listening to the audio portion on this on a podcast, you won't be able to see any of this. All right, let's jump in. By the way, our cup today says, I make the world go around. What do you do? Quite a narcissistic mug, I would say. This was a gift to me. I don't know if this was a gift about me or about the person who gave me the gift. So I really appreciate that. So let's check out questions. Let's get started. Juby says, question, should we tell our partner that we desire marriage that won't scare him away? Okay, great question, Juby. So here's the thing. Depends on your age bracket. If you're 20 and 30 or you're 40, 50 or 60 or 70, if marriage is something you would like, then I think it's very important to bring this up early on. But Jonathan, that will scare a guy away. By the way, who does it scare away? The guys who don't want to get married. But Jonathan, if he loves me, maybe he'll change his mind. Look it, I'm not, listen, even, look, I'm thinking of my best friend who basically says he doesn't want to get married. But he actually considered marriage with someone who expressed that she wanted it. They weren't a good fit for one another. But here's the thing, when a guy genuinely likes you, I mean, listen, you may not have to say, you can say this on the first, second, or third dates. You can say, I'd like to get remarried and hear what they have to say. Here's the thing, if they talk about marriage in a very derogatory way, that's not a good sign. Okay, that's not a good sign. And quite frankly, even those that might reconsider as they age, you know, most people aren't considering marriage because it is because of financial reasons. That might be one reason why a lot of people aren't, but at least have a discussion about what you're thinking about from a long-term perspective, not about them from a long-term perspective, but what you want from a long-term perspective. And all you have to do is invite the conversation and discuss it. That's it, invite the conversation and discuss it. That's what I would do, Julie. But that's a great question. And by the way, it does weed people out sooner rather than later. All right, all right, question. Jan Johnson says, question. What do you think about the term intimate friend? Intimate friend. To me, intimate friend, I don't know if we're talking about emotional intimacy or are we talking about penis and the vagina intimacy? Sexual intimacy. Here's the thing. I have several male and female friends where I can be intimate with them, meaning I can be vulnerable, authentic and transparent with them, vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Ideally, your partner should be someone you can be vulnerable. You can be authentic. You can be transparent. And how it does that happen? It starts by being radically honest with one another and building intimacy because here's the dysfunctionality in most relationships today. Men and women don't feel emotionally safe with one another. They don't feel emotionally safe with one another because they're hyper folk. You know what's interesting? I notice, by the way, I'm gonna be candid with you all. I'm finding myself being less interested in talking to people, not my clients. I love talking to my clients, but to human beings in general. Because most human beings give me their resume. They give me their resume. They give me the resume of what they've done in their life. They give me their resume of what they did that day. They give me the resume of all the famous people they know in their life. They give me the resume of their financial status or their superficial aspects of life or the clothes they bought. So it's all this resume in my terms. And to me, that doesn't stimulate my heart. That doesn't stimulate me as a person. What stimulates me as a person is talking to them at a deeper level. If you haven't seen my meme before, I'm gonna show this to you really quickly, everyone. This is one I share. I'm starting to share this on a lot more videos, but it's one of my favorite memes quotes. It says, I hate small talk. I wanna talk about Adam's death, alien, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite sense, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. I love this message because folks, I gotta tell you something. As a man out there dating who's a saphio-sexual, which means I'm attracted to intellect and depth, most women, no disrespect to you, but this is true of men and women alike, most human beings are so caught up in the ego superficial way of living life and it's about giving their resume instead of being intimate with one another. Intimacy, into me you see. This is why I continually recommend the book, Emotional Intimacy. It's the reason why I'm recommending this book lately. It's a tough read, but it's called Talking to Strangers. How to get to know the people you don't know, why this is so critically important, why I'm sharing this with you folks is because intimacy builds emotional safety. Intimacy builds emotional safety and what most relationships lack is not chemistry and all this stuff, what they really lack is emotional safety. And the reason why men don't commit when their life is in chaos, they won't commit because they're not feeling safe in their world. You know, if they have a contentious relationship with ex, they're not feeling emotionally safe in the world. If they're hyper focused on their family and friends, they're almost codependent on their family and friends. And lastly, if they don't invest in the same effort that you do is because they don't feel emotionally safe and it's because we have a distressing lack of intimacy because most people are dating hyper focused on chemistry and romance and not really getting to know another human being. That's why I continually recommend these books over and over and over again because I'm trying to encourage you all to learn how to ask the right questions in the early stage of dating so you don't invest in the wrong guy. By the way, there's a link below to a free discovery call with me. My whole coaching program teaches you how to ask better questions in the early stage of dating so you can determine is this person right for me? Is this person right for me or at least worth investing in because we don't have time to fuck around. In fact, do you know, look at the number one emotional health issue facing most human beings is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable? I'm gonna repeat that. That's the number one emotional health issue and nothing triggers that. Like dating, like dating. You know, I was recently speaking to someone whose daughter is a 17 year old daughter is going through hell right now because her boyfriend broke up with her and she literally had to be sent off to a psychiatric ward. In fact, this isn't the first time I've heard this. I've heard this two or three times now in just recent months. Think about that. Young love is caught and then the breakup has caused so much emotional distress that several people have had to go to psychiatric care or psych a lot. I don't know if it's psychiatric or whatnot. I'm just speculating here but have had to go to get mental health care over a breakup. You know, we humans aren't really all that great at navigating our emotions when we give our power away to another human being. This is why I continually recommend book after book after book, especially this book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause those negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives because ultimately folks emotional safety is what's going to bring two people together. And the original question about intimate friends, listen, if you're talking about a friend with benefits, that's not where I was going because I'm here to encourage deeper intimacy because truly your partner, just like my mom and dad of 66 years, actually they knew each other 72 years before my mother passed away at 88. You know what? Everyone I know who's been married that long says the same thing. I married my best friend. And what that means is they felt emotionally safe to speak their truth to their partner because if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person and that's my invitation for everyone because that's what love would do and that's how love would respond. So thank you so much for that question allowing me to share that with you, Jan. I really appreciate it. All right, we're gonna take a few more questions. Bump, bump, bump. Someone says, is there any way to recover if the penis went in the vagina too soon? First off, most penises go in the vagina too soon. Is there any way to recover? The real question is, is there any way to build a relationship when two people have sex too early? Absolutely, purchase two copies of this book. By the way, a lot of people purchase this because they're married and they wanna heal, they wanna find deeper connection with one another. Even though this book is designed for those people that are already in relationship, this is a great starting point, great questions to build, to talk upon. Look at all of this content in here, you can lean into. So Eight Dates is a great book to shift the narrative if the penis went into the vagina a little too early, there are ways to improve things. By the way, if you're not familiar with two books, I've been recommending these lately, How to Build Trust and Couples Communication. Folks, ladies, listen, just because you have a capacity to vomit your feelings, doesn't mean that you're any better at communicating your feelings. Women are just as bad at communication skills. And by the way, you sometimes are worse because women, all you do is go on and on and on and on and on and on telling the story. And we men are like, would you fucking get to the point? True good communication, by the way, good communication skills is understanding active listening. So active listening looks something like this, when you share something with someone, first, one of the things I always do when I'm communicating with a woman for the first time, when she shares something personal about her life, I always say, thank you for sharing that. And then I repeat what they shared so they know I heard them. I repeat what they shared so I know what they heard them. Most human beings, you know what they do? They're not listening, they're just waiting to respond, waiting to respond, waiting to respond. And so here's the thing, if you want to get better at this, then read these books and start practicing by leading by example, because that's your greatest, that's your opportunity to really connect with a guy at a deeper emotional level. Let me repeat that, that's your opportunity to connect with a guy at a deeper emotional level when you start leading by example, or at least that's my invitation for everyone anyway. So thank you so much for that question, I really appreciate it, and yes, you can recover. Okay, B says, I have good relationship skills. My guy is wonderful, but lacks those skills and his life is in chaos. He backed away, he's reading your book and another one. Any chance he'll learn? Great question. So I think back to my journey, it's interesting. I was, well, let me, I'll share my journey in a second, but I was in the jacuzzi earlier today with a reformed sex addict, okay? This is a man who was a sex addict, and he belongs to that organization, Sexoholics Anonymous, I forget what it's called. But what was interesting when he shared his journey with me, he literally had to literally lose everything. To lose everything before he had an opportunity to look inward, he had to lose everything. Folks, when I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Even though this book was inspired by the loss of my son. Even though the book was inspired by the loss of my son and what I mean by when Connor passed away, it broke my heart open. It allowed me to look inward and say what really matters in my life and what's most important is the relationship with myself. When I look back and connected the dots, I'll be candid with you. When I graduate, my parents raised me with a philosophy of go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. That was my programming and I followed it to a T. In fact, I reached a level of making a quarter million dollars a year professionally and I had a net worth of a couple million dollars. So I was certainly in the, what could be considered rich category, okay? Until I lost my quarter million dollar a year job and I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008. And all of a sudden my entire identity was shot. And I went down the rabbit hole of deep despair. In fact, I was strung out on drugs and alcohol as my way of coping. And it wasn't until the movie, I saw the movie, The Secret, that I go, wait a minute, this feels familiar to me. And what's interesting is before I got married, I started, I read the book by Louise Hay called, You Can Heal Your Life, You Can Heal Your Life. This was back when personal development, where spiritual work was called metaphysics, metaphysics. And I briefly started to get down that path until I met my, then my wife and then I abandoned my spiritual practice. Now, I don't mean religious practice. I mean spiritual practice, that practice of getting to know who I am as a person. And while my life was dysfunctional, I watched the movie, The Secret. I started to listen into Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson and Tony Robbins, just to name a few. And then as things even progressively got worse, I decided to do the Hoffman process and insight seminars. And as I connected the dots, I recognized that all that work was beginning to prepare me for what was even a more tragic event in my life, which was the loss of my son. And what I recognize now is personal development, self-help and spiritual work is a vaccination to emotional chaos. It's a vaccination, it's a shot of love for yourself. Self love is the true journey. It's not about whether or not you get a guy in your life. What's more important is you find the relationship within yourself. And you can look at, look at, I know it's the missing piece is sex, but thankfully we can masturbate. So at least that kind of gives us half of the picture. But what I mean is having physical intimacy with someone. But what's most important is you, do you wanna have sex with the wrong person over and over and over again? Or do you wanna be the right person and find the partner who's also emotionally healthy so you can go down that path of a juicy, delicious relationship together? So my invitation for everyone is to do the personal development work. And what was the original question? Does he have a chance? Look at my journey took a decade. By the way, Allison Armstrong calls it the tunnel, the tunnel. Listen, it takes sometimes a decade or two to really get to a good place in one's life. But certainly a couple of good years of personal development, self-help spiritual work is a great way to get started. So do you have a chance? Always do you have a chance? But it requires wanting to do the work. And by the way, it's not just reading my book. I really recommend therapy, recommend workshops and trainings and that sort of thing. That would accelerate the process than just reading a book. So B, thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it. All right, Casey says, can different people trigger different attachment style? There are guys who make me feel secure and others that make me feel anxious. Yes, so most people have a default, I believe have a default or attachment style whether it's anxious or avoidant. So what happens is when an anxious person which is with another anxious person and oftentimes causes one of them or both of them to become avoidant, number one. When two avoidance together makes it very difficult to actually build a relationship together. So, and when you're with a secure person, hopefully they have the patience to put up with your, you know, either your dysfunctionality or not. What I prefer is really learning better communication skills and I highly recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Not by the way, this should have been titled Compassionate Communication. That's what it should have been titled. But that would be a great way to get started by building good communication skills along with understanding attachment style and having conversations about this on a regular basis. That's my invitation for everyone. All right, thank you so much for that question, Casey. Oh, looks like we've got a super sticker. I wanna thank, let's see, who do we have? Bear with me, everyone. Wow, we have lots of comments. All right, Ann. By the way, Ann, I wanna give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bearhut. Thank you so much for the super sticker. So, and if anyone else wants to purchase this super sticker, thank you so much. So question, I've manifested many things over the years. Now I'm working on self-love with your help. Thank you so much. Thank you, Ann. By the way, great example of understanding awareness. When we actually invest in ourselves, we can actually create a great life for ourself. And that's my invitation for everyone. All right, we're gonna take one more, two more questions before we wrap up today. Let's see what we have. Let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. Ms. Nutritious says, this is an awesome live chat. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right, oh, here we go. Wendy Willis, question. I'm looking to have a committed relationship with emotionally-available 60 to 70-year-old man. Is it realistic to believe that men in that age group even understand emotional intimacy? Let me be candid with you. The number of men who understand emotional intimacy at that age bracket is actually commensurate to the number of women who understand emotional intimacy. Ladies, as I say before, and I'll say it again, just because you have a habit of vomiting your emotions doesn't make you any better at being emotionally intimate. In fact, it's interesting. One of the fundamentals of most, one of the lack, distressing lack of, okay, let me re-backtrack. One of the challenges in dating today is most human beings lack emotional maturity. It's not about emotional intimacy, emotional maturity. Their actions match their words. They have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. And sadly, here in the United States, the vast majority of the population is suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness here. Number three, they know how to fight fair. What means is they know how to actively listen when there's friction in relationship and they're not trying to win, they're trying to resolve. Number four, empathy. And empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy is I care about your feelings and I care about my own feelings. Oftentimes when we're struggling in our relationship, all we care about, my feelings met, my feelings met, my feelings met. That's rather narcissistic. So empathy isn't just about your feelings, it's about mutual feelings and lastly, transparency. Transparency means if it's material to the relationship you're going to speak up. So going back to your original question, what's the percentage of men who have the capacity of emotional intimacy? It's the exact same number of women. This isn't a gender issue because here, look. This chart, emotional maturity relationship skills chart. By the way, this is not a fact, this is my opinion. Roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues, meaning they're borderline, they're bipolar, they're narcissistic, they're sociopath. And maybe some people are aware enough to actually work on their stuff, most don't, okay? Then the 20% of the population is emotionally healthy. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say that because the vast majority of humans are dysfunctional in their relationship and emotional maturity. This is true of men and women alike, this is equal. Ladies, you gotta let go of this fantasy just because you can vomit your feelings doesn't mean you're any better at expressing yourself. So with that said, to answer your question, it's the equal number of men and women. Most people say, well, where are all these people? Where are all these people? They're everywhere. Do you know how you get to meet them? By being radically honest right up front because you overwhelm the wrong person quickly and the right person goes, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more. All right, I think that covers that. All right, Lynn says true. Kim says mutual feelings, transparency. Let's see, Cece says date younger people, okay. All right, this will be our last question for the evening question. Why in the world do so many on dating sites say the opposite gender is in their local area that they live in are ugly? Does that mean they're secretly, emotionally unavailable? Sunshine, I have to ponder that one. I've never heard that question before. So let me ponder that and get back to you. Kim Jordan says, Jonathan, hashtag awaken aware. Thank you so much. All right, folks, I think this would be a great place to wrap up for today. Did you find value in this live stream today? Please let me know. If you did find value, purchase a super sicker, super chat before we wrap up today, let me know that this matters to you. It would sure mean a lot to me to be able to give more money away in the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. As always, if you need some love and support, check out the link to a discovery call with me. Check out my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my podcast, the What Would Love Do podcast. Find me on Instagram, get my free gift. They're all in the description below. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this podcast as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a Pat, a Teddy Barrett pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Rachel Ray for that super sticker. Thank you so much. Jennifer says, great live stream, always inspiring. Thank you so much. Kim says, so helpful. Thank you so much. Lynn says, I came in late. I will watch the replay. And Leif says, Leif, big hugs to you. Thanks again for this value. Grateful for you, Jonathan. Enjoy your self love hug night. Thank you so much, everyone. Wishing you a super-duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Bye-bye now.