 There have been a lot of takes on the Ninja Turtles over the years from comics, TV shows, and movies. We're going to focus on the movies today, starting at the bottom, working our way up. My order may shell shock some of you. We're not doing a pun counter. I'm going to do some anyways. Let's go. I don't remember the plot. Other than they travel through time for some reason, it's just an uninspired mess. A total cash grab. There are zero-known characters outside the Four Leads. It takes place in a generic Japanese village, and the action is beyond watered down. Not to mention the lack of compelling villain. The whole thing makes me sigh. Yeah, that terrible pun was better than anything in the movie. Elegantly known as TMNT, the 2007 movie gave me hope for the franchise that we might finally get that awesome, bodacious, radical Turtles film. Alas, I was wrong. Turtles are fractured when the movie starts. Splintered, if you will. They are directionless without Leo giving them orders. Eventually they come together when an army of ancient creatures awakens. It has one or two really cool animated sequences with the highlight being the fight between Leo and Ralph, who I assume is always in a bad mood because he has the lamest weapon of the group. Props to the animation department on April O'Neill. Kudos for making me incredibly uncomfortable perving out to a cartoon character. Oh, and also she knows martial arts. Just because. Let's move on. This used to be the favorite Ninja Turtles flick of mine back when I was a dumb 9 year old kid. Seeing Secret of the Use now, it's very clear that the studio bowed down to parental outrage upon seeing Ninja Turtles use weapons. You know, like Ninjas would use. Instead they use a series of things just randomly lying around like a Nerf Bat or a Cold Cuts. The biggest slap in the face was the newly created characters Toka and Rezar. Every fan of the cartoon wanted to see Bebop and Rocksteady, but no, no, no. That would have been far too easy. What the shell were they thinking? Ninja Turtles do everything they possibly can to not fight in this movie, from break dancing with vanilla ice to literally standing still in the battle with Super Shredder. He kills himself as he throws a little hissy fit under the docks. Eh, I don't want to, eh, I don't want to get you Turtles, yeah. Great. The Michael Bay produced Ninja Turtles flick feels just like that, a Michael Bay produced Ninja Turtles flick. There are loud action scenes, a couple explosions for good measure, and a heavy dose of Megan Fox. The film really should have been called April O'Neill's Adventures, sometimes featuring her laboratory turtle pets. I don't really care if they change particular events of the Turtles' origins because it's a movie about fighting turtles that wear trench coats to blend in. What does bother me is that they are gigantic now. They're transformers in size. What's the point of being a Ninja if you can pick up a house and throw it at your opponent? For all its shortcomings, there is still a great amount of action and comedy. I wouldn't say the bar has ever been set too high in a Turtles film, so this gets the secondary spot for me. It really is number two. The original Ninja Turtles movie is dark and gritty with the right amount of attitude and humor, just how it should be presented on film. There is some solid choreographed fights and plenty of pizza power to be had. Jim Henson's Creature Shop did a wonderful job bringing the four leads to life. The Shredder, Casey Jones, April, they are all here and how I remembered them from the cartoon. This is not a bad little flick. There are much worse ways you could spend a Saturday afternoon. If that's not a glowing review, I don't know what is. There's a charm to the Ninja Turtles. Perhaps it's the boys being boys attitude, just growing it up around the town, fighting ninjas in their free time, eating pizza, having a laugh or two. I still don't think they've really nailed a movie yet and most likely never will. They are doing a follow-up to the 2014 film with Bebop and Rock Steady, so maybe it will course correct in a few aspects. More than just reviews, this is Movie Feuds. I think Bayne needs to bring Shilah Buffon as the fifth Ninja Turtles in our next movie. He can use the power of motivation as his weapon. This is a great idea. Just do it! Make your dreams come true! Nothing is impossible!