 James Swanik here, have you ever felt pressure in your life? Maybe pressure to perform in your job or your career, maybe pressure from parents to live a certain way. Maybe cultural pressure to live a certain way. You should get married, you should have kids, you should get a mortgage, you should do this. Have you ever felt that pressure and anxiety from expectation? Maybe you've gone through a divorce or you're contemplating a divorce and you've been seeking refuge with food and alcohol or maybe some other kind of vice could be love and attention. Some people love addicts. These are some of the topics we're going to be talking about today in an interview with a wonderful woman by the name of Manon Matthews who is an American comedian. She's an actress and she's a social media personality. Manon is best known for her videos on Vine back in the day and one of her videos which we're going to talk about on Facebook actually has 77 million views which is hilarious. I'll let her explain it a little bit more as we get into this interview. But Manon talks about the pressure to perform in her profession and the pressure of her parents and how later on that pressure amongst other things drove her to food and alcohol, how she got out of her food and alcohol addictions by doing some 12-step programs and now how she later on I should say went through a devastating divorce and how she managed to navigate that divorce being alcohol-free. We talk about various self-development tools in terms of gratitude and presence and many other things that you can incorporate into your own life so you can reduce cravings for alcohol, reduce your anxiety and stress overall and really to be able to handle any type of devastating situation with as much presence and ease as possible. Jennifer Aniston, the Hollywood actress. Manon, Matthews and I share Jennifer Aniston in common in the sense that Manon is a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. In fact, I'll let her share the story and I actually quit drinking in part because of a photo that I had taken with Jennifer Aniston. I won't reveal more now that you listen in to this conversation and it will become obvious what we're talking about and enjoy the conversation with Manon and Matthews. Just before we begin the interview, just a reminder if you'd like to get my alcohol-freedom formula which outlines the steps that you can take to get long-term power over your drinking habits, whether that means quitting entirely or whether it means reducing, whether it means quitting for a time and then, excuse me, doing moderation afterwards, then you can go to alcoholfreelifestyle.com forward slash guide if you would like to book an exploratory phone call with one of my coaches to see if one of our programs may be for you including Project 90 which helps high performers get long-term power over their drinking habits, then you can book that call at alcoholfreelifestyle.com forward slash schedule or if you're in the US on a mobile phone you can text me at the number 44222 and text me the word Project 90 and I will text message you back a calendar link where you can book that exploratory call. We also talk a little bit about gratitude in this interview. Just a reminder if you'd like to get a free printout PDF version of my positive shift journal which is a minor rewiring journal then you can go to positiveshiftjournal.com and if you'd like to get a hard copy of the journal have it sent out to you. You can go to the same website and if you use the code James at checkout you'll get a little discount family, friends, family and friends discount there if you want the hard version. So the free version is there. You can download it for free from the website and if you do want a physical copy sent out to you you can use that discount. Alright, man and Matthews, wonderful woman, beautiful soul, very caring, very funny and tremendous guidance in this interview as she shares her journey of life, of drinking and not drinking, navigating life's challenges. Here she is, Manon Matthews. Tell me a little bit about your upbringing Manon. Where did you grow up? What are your parents like? What were your cultural interests? What was life like growing up? I grew up in Los Angeles, California, born and raised born in Santa Monica near the ocean that's where I learned to walk was at Palisades Park. My parents then moved me to the valley area and I was brought up as an only child so I had a lot of alone time in front of the mirror to make faces and to dance to pop music which was really fun. I have very very goofy parents who would sing to me in the morning, my mom would like wake me up with song and my dad would literally tell me nighttime stories until I was like 18. So they definitely coddled me, babied me. I was the most important thing in the world to them which was amazing and I felt really loved oftentimes smothered but it was like a good thing and then it was also negative in the sense that I felt a lot of pressure to get it right and I often felt like I was failing and getting everything wrong and then I would feel like the most amazing thing the most amazing piece of shit that the world revolved around so it was just like all or nothing very like you're good, you're bad, you're good, you're bad so highly emotional kid and but also beautiful childhood with so much play like my parents were very not very but goofily affectionate with one another like they would often be like man and look over here and then I would look and they would go to kiss and I'd be like oh man and they would cook me waffles on the weekend it was a beautiful childhood lots of play yet I was crying a lot so I don't know what happened there other than yeah I do know what happened I didn't feel like I had a safe place to land with my emotions that was the one sore spot huh when you said that you felt pressure what age were you aware of feeling this pressure uh five really at five years old I remember like being in my dad's car and the passenger and he was upset about something and inside I was like I must be the worst kid in the world because look how upset my dad is and so I took a lot of pain on inside very young and then that just progressed and kept going until um this afternoon when he was over how young are you now man 32 okay so looking back when you're sharing that you felt pressure at five age five how do you feel that has influenced your life in adulthood like how is that dictated choices you've made uh it's probably dictated every choice I've ever had of I felt so much pressure to get things right and then I felt like I never did so I often would do the wrong thing which is oftentimes the funny thing if that makes sense so there's the thing to do and then there's the thing that like no one ever does so I would purposely do this thing that no one ever does so that I had control over what I felt I was doing wrong if that makes sense so it led me to comedy comedy is often the weird thing um so I was I had very poor grades unless it had to do with math for some reason I was pretty good at math or choir or or theater I was good at those things because I guess I naturally can carry a tune but I also feel like improv improvisation for theater there's no getting it right the only thing you have to do is say yes to the present moment and then add information but you can't be wrong with the information that you add so I felt like I had a lot of power in that and no one could be like that's wrong I never wanted to hear like you messed up because I got so much of that at home um and I felt like that kind of pressure steered me into what I do now which is uh record people don't usually record on their phones and then post it to social media and I think some people do comedy but I guess in the world in which I grew up not a lot of people were really going down that route they were really scholarly and seemed like everyone seemed like they knew what they were doing and I felt really alone like I have no idea what I'm doing what is happening how's everybody who got the life book that I didn't get why does everyone get it why don't I get it and then we moved I was 11 from one school to the other so I had all these friends and it felt like life was even though there was that pressure I still had my group of girlfriends that I love so much and then we moved and then I had nobody and then I started getting made fun of and then my humor really skyrocketed because I had to develop wit to defend myself so then there's that whole thing so I felt it definitely added a lot because then I felt like I needed a lot of pressure with something so I turned to you know food and alcohol and anything that would kind of self soothe the thing inside me that didn't feel good enough two questions when you post a Instagram or Facebook today on average how many views or likes or comments do you get I mean it's a lot right you've got about three quarters of a million Instagram followers you've got videos that have wrapped up millions of views yeah just on average what do you think the viewer rate or engagement rate is yeah it depends on the platform so when I was on Vine I had three million followers and I would say that those I don't know there's some statistic that somebody got where I had 1.6 billion loops just on Vine on Facebook my biggest video has 77 million views on average TikTok would be 500,000 views Instagram it's kind of dipped a bit depends on if it's a real or a video anywhere between 100,000 to a million views 100 comments to a thousand comments it's hard to say on average but that's the range it's a lot is what I'm getting at it is a lot I have views well no it leads me up to my next question because you talked a lot about having pressure right pressure from parents pressure to perform so my question is now today you're 32 years old you're an adult and you know that things that you're going to post are probably going to rack up half a million views on TikTok or 100,000 to a million views on Instagram what pressure do you feel when you hit publish so I just had an epiphany I went oh so I just tried to keep comfortable and stay with what's familiar which is where can I find the most pressure so online and on stage there feels like a lot of pressure so that's interesting I don't remember the question because I had that thought oh where do I feel pressure or do I feel pressure when I post yeah you know when I did Vine I did it without any makeup and I didn't think anyone would see it so I think that ripped the band aid of trying to get anything perfect or have it look good or sound good so that kind of set the bar of like none of it matters like it's hard I feel more pressure when I do stand up because there's actual human beings right there in front of me and I can get the reaction online I do have a bit of a disconnect that like I'm like people are seeing this I guess there's a number there's people comments but I can't really kinesthetically feel it in my body so I don't know if I feel too much pressure what I do feel is the sorrow when a video doesn't hit a video that I really liked that I maybe paid for production or just laughed a lot at and posted it and it doesn't hit I feel a sadness or a defeat like oh man you know the algorithm is out for me or maybe my videos aren't going to be what they once were or whatever I don't necessarily feel a pressure to post I just feel a pressure to somehow stay relevant if that makes sense it's weird because I see both sides where sometimes I'll feel a pressure but sometimes I won't and I think a lot of that has come up with age and time and just trusting the universe and you know everything that was happened for me so spontaneously and not so mechanically where it was like okay and this is my schedule and it was not organized it was very chaotic and sporadic and so I feel like that's been my strategy to get following it's just like post when I feel the spark sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't is your self worth dictated by the views or the followers or the engagement or the praise or the criticism sometimes sometimes it is sometimes when I post a video that I just feel like it's so me and authentic and people like it I feel really good like I'm doing good work if the video doesn't do well meaning it doesn't have a many views or comments I feel like not that great I don't know if it's myself worth but it kind of depends on how much I'm taking care of myself because I actually feel like when I'm in a really good place the videos do well but inside if I'm like searching or just impulsive or not taking the best care of my spiritual fitness the videos won't do well it's almost like the reflection of where I met vibrationally tell me more about that that's interesting so you perform creatively the best when you are spiritually in alignment or when you're feeling the best yeah yeah the videos that go viral are when I'm just so on cloud nine I'm grateful to be alive I'm in gratitude about everything and I'm just in so much joy when I'm filming when I'm in joy when I'm filming I feel like the energy comes across in the video and then when I'm posting not because I'm trying to get views but because I want to be of service or share the joy it does well and it flourishes and I feel like it is all energy because I noticed I remember I did there was something called insight seminars in Santa Monica and it was like a weekend retreat healing time where you just we went inward and we shared and we cried and we became powerful and I remember posting a video on that last day where I felt so incredible and even in the video that I recorded I was tapping into the 15 year old man who's dancing in the car and she's having the time of her life and I just felt like those two things sparked this vibration that when I posted that's the one that got 77 million views on Facebook it's it's one of my most memorable videos that people reference and want more of huh how fascinating that I would be on the last day of this seminar where I feel the best I've ever felt and I posted and then that happened I'm not surprised I always look at stuff like that and the way things work what's the video for the benefit of our listener who would like to go and check it out um this one is on Facebook it's when she's way too into it and I see lip syncing in the car and there's a guy next to me and I'm lip syncing to the yin yang twins to a song called what's happening yeah I've seen it it's hilarious I'm one of the 77 million views in fact I might be actually the one million views because I've seen it so many times I mean it's so funny and if you're listening definitely go and check it out what should they type into Facebook to find it easily and you'll see me in the car you could also type in man and Matthews when she's way too into it or man and Matthews yin yang twins I think that that should work I've actually never searched for it so I'm just going to guess that that works because that's how Facebook works it'll show you the most popular of that person um yeah and it's a very long I mean long but it's like a four minute video and it's fun yeah it's just it's verbatim what I did when I was 15 it was a one take thing we filmed it and I was like okay I'll post this like I had no fear it was just like sure why not and I didn't know anyone would like it but apparently they like get apparently they like it a lot because it's got 77 million views like these ridiculous hopeless tiktok things that you're doing that only get half a million views amateur hour schoolgirl stuff man and what are you doing I don't know what's going on here you mentioned food and alcohol before that you turned to food and alcohol at a certain phase of your life tell me a little bit about that yeah I think my first addiction well first was like love and attention addiction meaning I just loved it and wanted more second addiction was probably sugar I think my I felt a feeling and then my parents want to make me feel better and they gave me ice cream and I really liked it and then from then on I just really remember loving sweets you know I was like dinner's fine but I can't wait for ice cream or I can't wait for brownies or sweets really got me excited and hyped up and I always wanted a bunch I never felt satisfied with just like a cookie I remember not understanding how people did that and I was always running around so I was always fit so it didn't seem like a problem at least on the outside until I think I went to college and there was like a froyo machine in the dorm room and I would just like just like nonstop after dinner like I would skip dinner and just go straight to the ice cream and then um sweets and that comforted me until I found alcohol I found alcohol before college but found alcohol I think later in high school and I just was like what is this this is amazing like I just felt the warmth with my friend we were at my house and I had like a shot of vodka or something but at the time taste horrible but the way that it made me feel was really good like a relief from life I felt like life was hard at the time and I didn't know how to like release that energy out of my body and when I drank alcohol I felt like it all went away and like life started and it began and I was like finally okay let's have some fun like God I can be who I really am now I don't have to like whatever like I feel like I'm like stuck in my body and I'm uncomfortable and I suffer from not enough ism not feeling like I'm enough not feeling like I have enough feeling fear of I'm going to lose what I have and alcohol took all that away and so I had a lot of fun with that for and sugar you know from food both simultaneously from about 17 to 23 until you know when I would drink I realized I would drink a lot more than I think other people were and I had that kind of all or nothing mentality where I didn't understand why people would have one cookie or one drink why would you what's the point then don't drink I want 10 drinks so I quickly realized like you know I was blacking out and kind of behaving in ways that I couldn't remember and then I felt shame about the way that I acted which caused me to drink again and more and then I had an experience in Las Vegas where I didn't eat dinner and I didn't I was mad at people that couldn't eat dinner but I was like okay I guess we're going to drink and then I ended up in the hospital in Las Vegas and I remember my boyfriend had his hands and his face in his hands and he was just like you could have died like I've been dealing watching you in the hospital and he was so scared and I was like never going to drink again ever ever ever I feel like absolute you know crap and then you know they say that some people say that the dis ease of alcoholism centers in the mind and that voice that says I'm never going to drink again starts to once you start to feel better it changes and it says you know what it wasn't that bad and you forget how bad it was and then the person drinks again and that had happened to me a few times and I went this is this is crazy I actually vowed I was never going to drink again and I'm drinking again and you know it wasn't every day but it was every weekend and even though the consequences felt so dire I couldn't stop until you know I finally did and it's the best thing that ever happened to me thank you for sharing how did you come to stop there I was 23 I had that experience in Vegas mixed with a couple other experiences that I felt were very mortifying and humbling and I just I didn't you know I had some ulcer stuff in my stomach where the doctor was like I don't want to drink again I don't want to drink again and the fact that I would still occasionally have wine started just feeling really like this is something wrong and I remember I was seeing a guy who I really liked it was like we was only a weekend and you know it was two weeks clean and I was we were going out to this club and everyone started drinking and I was powerless and I didn't have a defense against that drink and so I went screw it and I drank and apparently I wasn't very present with the guy and so he was like I'm going to go and I was like what you can't leave me and I was basically getting rejected and I didn't like that and I didn't know how you were acting and I felt like I associated the alcohol with that and so that kind of propelled me to really stop because I wanted him more than I wanted the alcohol because my number one drug is love and attention and that oversees the alcohol for sure but also I found a 12-step program that I walked into and had no idea what I was doing and I was just so happy to have a friend and a wife and showing up there daily and having people that I related to because I always felt really alone right, only child I've always felt like I'm the only one going through this torment and when I went in a group and heard them speak about how they felt the same way that I felt and we had such different out you know different lives the details of our lives is financial situations all that like but I related to the feeling of what they were talking about and it really made me feel connected and apparently the opposite of addiction is connection and so anytime we find connection the addiction has time for a break and so I found a lot of connection in those 12-step programs and kept going and did 12 steps and found a lot of relief and I cried a lot and grieved for the first time like grieved my life for the first time and you know rang out the washcloth I feel like I was this heavy heavy washcloth with so much water and then I squeezed it out and I felt lighter and you know time went by and I was able to be confident in my own skin for the first time and it was a substance which was again the biggest gift I attribute my whole life to finding well first it was the guy but then you know he were not obviously together anymore I felt like I was able to grow and learn and heal the parts of me that hurt in those rooms and was it the connection part that was the overarching reason why you were able to heal those wounds was it the connection or was it one of the 12 steps or all the 12 steps but you said the opposite of connection is addiction is connection is addiction but I feel like the opposite of addiction is connection if that makes sense I attribute it to all of it triad of service unity and something else. I can't remember, but it was a combination of connecting with people in person, you know, having that connection, like consistency of doing something, like creating a good habit. The steps absolutely one through 12 of like, I think they're laid out beautifully in order for a reason. And you got to do all 12. I mean, you don't have to, but if you want to feel that freedom fully and get the everything out of it, doing all 12 is a really good suggestion. And then the service part of it of passing along the message and sharing what you get from it to other people. You know, I had never really felt like I was helping anybody. I was so self-centered and me, me, me and my problems and I'm just so important and the world must revolve around me. And again, that's a lot of pressure. And once I realized in the program, oh, nothing's about me. No one's thinking about me. Everyone's thinking about themselves. And actually, my biggest issue is thinking about me. How can I think of others? That's going to give me the most relief that I've ever had and it and it did and it. So this combination of what that program suggests, again, all suggestions. What's that? Which I really liked, right? In those 12-step programs, they only say attraction, not promotion. No one's ever forcing anyone to do it. They're just saying, hey, these are just suggestions, which I like because I never want to be told what to do. I don't think a lot of people are like that. I mean, my whole life is experienced through the lens of you don't get to tell me what to do. That's how I see it. I can trace that all the way back to my mom lovingly and supportively pushing me to do things like speech and drama and give speeches and join certain classes and molding me into a very nice young boy and man and all those kind of things. But I did feel like she was pushing me at times or I often felt that. And so later on in life, I now see everything through the lens of you don't get to tell me what to do. And so it kind of makes sense. A lot of the things that I have chosen to do are not traditional things. My lifestyle is not traditional. Most of my friends and family in Brisbane, Australia got married, got a mortgage, had kids very early, stayed there, take a vacation once every couple of years, two or three years overseas maybe. Whereas I went the other route. I moved overseas and traveled around and bounced around. And now I even now I feel I get triggered by people telling me how to live my life and what to do. I have a big government, for example, telling me how to live my life. I'm like, I just feel this inner, I wouldn't say it's rage, but this inner resistance. I was like, you don't get to tell me what to do. I'm a free man. I'll do whatever I want. And I can trace that all the way back to my mom making me give a end of rugby season speech when I was seven years old, standing in front of a bunch of kids who were laughing at me because my speech was so terrible. And yeah, it's crazy how that's impacted my life. Even now in my 40s, just still not, you don't get to tell me what to do. And your speech is impeccable now. You showed them. Yeah. Well, the irony is that, yeah, you know, she pushed me to be to give a speech. I ended up hosting a television show and got a podcast. I speak on stages. Yeah. Thanks, mom. Yeah. Thanks, mom. Good job. The thing that we blame them for the longest we end up thanking them for. Yeah. It's also nothing to do with them as well. One of the things I realized only recently, I think, or maybe maybe I realized it beforehand, but it really only resonated with me recently was it wasn't that my mom or my dad or my friends or whatever made me be a certain way. It's that I made them the reason why I am a certain way. So it's actually nothing to do with what they said or did. It's just the reason that I've created for why I act the way I act. Yeah. The stories that we create around situations that happen in our life determine the outcome. Yeah. Yeah. You and I have both done landmark education. They've got a program called Landmark Forum and there's the advanced class. And one of the things they say in that is we're meaning making machines, right? Like we're creating meaning to everything. I'm curious where you feel you've created meaning in your life. And then after some reflection, you've looked back on it and gone, oh, that meaning that I created really has not served me at all in my entire life. And you've had a kind of like an aha moment. And then you've shifted. Is there something come to mind? I mean, I guess the first one happened before Landmark when I realized nothing had anything to do with me. Like other people's behavior isn't because I'm not good enough or I failed them or whatever. In fact, I have little to do with why people are the way that they are, which was a huge relief that changed my life first and foremost. But I remember being in Landmark, probably a month after you did it, you were like, Hey, there's this thing. And I went great. And I was in it a week later. And I remember it was we were making these phone calls. And I, yes, I remember my I have a half sister and we never we didn't grow up together, because I was right. She was significantly older and she lived out of state. And I remember calling her and being like, I've created a story that you don't like me. And I'm sorry for that. And immediately, she was like, man, and I've always liked you. I've just been very jealous. Because you got mom and I didn't. And I remember she started talking and talking and talking, and she's not a talker. It's the first time I've ever heard my sister speak longer than to open up in general. And that wouldn't have happened had I not shared my story that I created based off of just a few things, you know, she said a couple things and I made that mean that she just didn't like me, which was not true. It was a story that I created many stories are just false. I had a conversation today with a friend. He rejected. We were supposed to have poker night and he said he was going to come. And then last minute he canceled and I made that mean that he just doesn't want to hang out with me. I need to let go of the friendship. Have to tell the day that that's kind of what happened. And he's like, I wanted to be there more than anything. And I'm really sorry. I didn't come because that's what I truly wanted. And I didn't because I was people pleasing, you know, X, Y, or Z. And it was just like, wow, I was so convinced, so convinced of my stories that I create. And sometimes I create really good ones, you know, I post a video and my the story I create is this is going to bring joy to people. And it's only good stuff for sometimes the stories are really beneficial for us. And they leave down really good paths, whether we're, you know, I don't know if I'm that funny or inspirational, but I have a good loop going that that would have to say, I think people like and so that works for me, whether it's true or not, I don't know. But let's make some good stories up that work for us and that say yes to us and cheer us on rather than what some stories do, which are for a long time I had, you know, I was ugly because some girl called me ugly when I was 12. She turned around and she said, you're ugly. So I said, I can't lead with beauty. I can lead with comedy. I'm not I'm not pretty. So okay, I'll just be one of the one of the boys. And then I developed having friendships more with guys because girls are mean. Girls don't like me. That was another story. They don't like me. Look, if they like me, they wouldn't make fun of me like that. So women aren't safe. And that's a story and that's a lie because now I have beautiful friendships today that I, you know, got to face those stories and realize that's not true. That was one time and maybe they were, who knows why these, they said that, you know, I'll never know unless I turn around and ask them and say, Hey, when you said I was ugly, I created a story that means I'm ugly. Is that true? You know, like we never know, but it's it's really powerful when you can, when we recognize, and I'm sure you understand that too, is like we are creating stories all the time. And they're either hurting us and making us close off to the world or they're opening us up to amazing possibilities. Really good to get clarity and to come clean about our story so that we can get matched with the truth. Because once you hear the truth, then it's, it can dissolve the story. Yeah, it does. It's amazing how much I want to keep hanging on to my story though. It's like even when I get to the truth, I get the clarity and I go, Oh, that's just a BS story I've been creating. I go, Oh, great. I've had the breakthrough. And then like an hour later, I'm like, Oh, I really want to keep holding on to that story. There's like a safety in it, even though it's not serving me. Yeah. It's because it's what you know, it's what we humans are comfortable with what's the same and they're uncomfortable with what's different. And if you have that story for that long and you're saying, Oh, I'm going to change it, we're like, No, I know the story. This one's familiar. Yeah, it's the safety and familiarity. And the irony is that the familiarity often is the most unsafe thing you can do for your soul and for your life. I mean, change, man, I have changed so much. I like a change all the time. But even recently in the last couple of weeks, there's been some big change. It's been happening in my life. And man, it's felt really troubling. Not troubling, not troubling, upsetting, but in a very kind of beautiful way. I'm not sure I'm communicating this effectively. Let's see. The change that is happening is just beautiful, but there's an attachment. I don't want to let go. And letting go feels unsafe. And that causes stress and anxiety, even though I can logically look at it and go, Oh, no, this letting go is beautiful. This letting go serves you and it serves others and it serves the universe to let go. Can you relate to any of that? Absolutely. The funny thing is, I remember buying this house thinking, Okay, this is what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to do. And then time goes by and you're like, What is it? We think we're making these grand shifts in our life, but for how long? Sometimes, I remember even getting married being like, Holy crap. This is what I'm going to do. And it's going to change the whole route of my life. And I'm going to be married for the rest of my life because that's what I assumed marriage would be. And I remember just being like, Okay, I don't know about marriage. But if I do, I know that it's going to be with you. And we're going to jump in, you know, not knowing two years later, I wouldn't be with this person anymore. And actually, like the change doesn't need to be so drastic. I think we put this added layer of like, Okay, this is going to be the rest of when it's just like, Okay, this is the shift for today. But I don't know what the actual future holds. And that's what's kind of exciting is the unknown. If we knew everything that was going to happen, I think it would be far less exciting. And I know that sometimes shifts and change can feel really uncomfortable because of the unknown. Yeah, I keep trying to control the outcome. Oh, let me let me rephrase that. I'm getting better at letting go of the outcome. I'm getting better at surrendering to the word surrender, which is an absolute mind F, like, because I mean, I my personality type is I want to control outcomes. I'm an entrepreneur, I own businesses, I kind of I know that if I do this, then this will happen, etc, etc. Jesus doesn't work in relationships. It doesn't work in lots of things in life. At some point, I have to let go. And in my my work, I guess, my challenge is trying to balance wanting to have an intention for something, and have a strategy and a plan for it, and setting forth on that road, executing the strategy, but still surrendering to the outcome, which is really freaking hard, really hard. For me, I shouldn't I shouldn't say it's really hard. I'm just saying for me, it feels really, really hard. Yeah, that makes sense. And I think that's a beautiful thing. If you can master setting up a plan in place and then letting go of the results, they say that to they should say that I used to hear that all the time in the meetings I would go to is like, we're not in the results business. We don't know we don't we don't we don't do things to get the results, which makes no sense because you're like, well, that's why I'm doing it. But they that's why they say if you like align yourself with what you're passionate about, and you're just being of service, and you're just giving your creativity, the world because you want to help or to express, then the results don't really matter, because at least you're doing what you want to be doing. So if you can get to a place where you're you're you're setting yourself up, and you're okay, this is the plan. And now we just enjoy the ride. Then it's like, that's the biggest gift of all. And that's where the passion and variety comes from is letting go of the outcome and being in the day really, really being in the day. I mean, that's why I used to see psychics is just tell me what the future is so that I can be comfortable so that I don't have to be blindsided later. I just want to feel some sort of safety for this next year. You know, like I just want to feel safe. It's all about feeling safe, I think, for me. Why is that so important in recent years? Or is it always been important for you? I think feeling safe. When I say safe, I don't mean like I think someone's going to come kill me. In fact, I have the opposite. I leave doors up. Well, I shouldn't say that. I have a weird abnormal. My mom is very like, man, no one's ever going to, I'll like, you know, park my car and then throw the keys in the bush. I'm like, they'll be there. I just don't want to hold my keys. And friends will be like, what are you doing? And I'm like, that's fine. Because I actually have a, I do feel really safe in the world. Well, hopefully it'll lead that way until the end. But safety meaning that somehow I'm not, that's why I always like to play it through. I was like, what's the worst case? I was asking this to somebody yesterday who's really torn up about some tax thing and like really torn up. And I was like, okay, so what's the worst that could happen? And they were like, I could pay the fine. I'm like, okay, so you have to pay the fine. Well, then I can go to jail. And I'm like, okay, so you go to jail. How long is that? Okay, here. So what? You know, like really like play the tape through and it's when you realize that you can get through anything and it's not that big of a deal. It's more like, oh, okay, even if I went to jail, I'll still be okay. Like, I don't know, there's a way to like play the tape through to create that safety that, again, to me, not feeling safe is I guess being in the unknown of like, will I be able to handle this situation? What if I'm in a situation where I pee my pants again in public like I did in fifth grade or I'm being made a fool or whatever that feeling is where we felt exposed or so vulnerable, like we couldn't handle ourselves. But we're not that person anymore. We're adults now and I think some of our fears are a tad irrational. You know, there was a time where we couldn't take care of ourselves. We were babies and if we weren't loved or held and dropped, we would literally die. We're not there anymore. We're self-sufficient human beings. It's not rational for us to be so afraid. You have a book out at the moment and you talk a lot about these types of things in the book, don't you? Yeah. What's the name of your book? Funny how it works out. And tell us a little bit about the book. The book is about my life. I talk about getting big on social media. I talk about my upbringing, talk about addiction, alcoholism, heartbreak, marriage, divorce. I talk about love, dating, breaking up, speaking my truth, getting in touch with my feelings, learning how important it is to express what's on the inside. And at the end, there's 30 lessons of how to uplift your energy and feel good inside. I talk about Russell, the dog that, oh, no. He's just made a grand entrance, Russell. If you're listening, Manon's dog Russell has just come into the frame. Hi, Russell. Hello. I don't know why he has an accent, but he's not British. He's American. So he's my little puppy. He came right after I got divorced and I truly believe he came to open my heart because I didn't really want a dog and then I got one and now I can't imagine my life without him. But yeah, it's for anyone that's kind of in that 20 to 40 range that, I mean, anyone can read it, but that's kind of who it's geared towards with that. I just remember being very lost in my 20s and feeling like I couldn't find myself or I wasn't worthy of speaking out or being messy. A lot of it is about being messy and loving those parts of ourselves that aren't perfect and feeling okay to share what's going on on the inside and knowing that healing does happen when we do love those parts of ourselves that hurt and talk a lot about neuro-linguistic programming and the unconscious mind and how powerful it is to speak to ourselves in a love nurturing way because we're always listening. So it's a little bit of everything. And you referenced a couple of times that you went through a divorce recently. What practices did you instill to ensure that you continued to live an alcohol free lifestyle and that you continued to be as present as you could be and to navigate what you've publicly shared was quite an excruciating experience for you? So a lot of our listeners obviously turned to alcohol or other substances to navigate their stress and anxiety. It sounds like based on what you've shared publicly, you had lots of stress and lots of anxiety going through your divorce. What was the tool or the tools that enabled you to navigate that experience as best you could? I attribute a lot of the way that I handled the divorce. I say divorce, but it was really everything leading up to the divorce that I feel I handled better than I would have 10 years prior if I were drinking. I think a lot of the way that I dealt with it was so filled with everything that I'd learned in the program and in landmark and in Tony Robbins and Marianne Williamson. I felt like the program was a gateway to all the spiritual knowledge that really helped me learn to take care of myself and to not be so co-dependent on one person. And so when stuff went down with my marriage that I didn't expect so soon, I felt like I had so many tools which were, I had good habits in place of not drinking already, but let's say I was new in the not drinking world. I knew to call people to go where the love is, not necessarily back to the guy, but to people in my life that I felt safe with to express what was going on in my heart. So I didn't try to do it alone, not trying to live this path alone. I had a lot of pride about that for a long time. It's really, it can be really hard to pick up a phone and ask for help. Fear of being judged, fear of being rejected, all the fears can stop us from asking for help, which there's no way I could have gone through it if I didn't have people around me that love me and reminded me that this is going to pass and it's either him or someone better or all the things that I couldn't really see because I was so close to the situation. I remembered prayer, I remembered meditation, I remembered journaling my feelings. I ended up going to therapy with him to close out and to grieve and heal and better understand why X, Y and Z happened. That was really helpful. I took it one day at a time. I didn't try to figure it out. Figuring it out is not a step, but living one day at a time and doing all the things that I just shared helped. I didn't try to figure out, well, what is the rest of our life going to be in the same way with drinking? I didn't say, I'm going to quit drinking. I remember the first day I got sober, I was like, what? I can't drink at my wedding and the girl was like, oh, are you getting married? I was like, well, no, I don't even have a boyfriend, but that's how much I wish I was future trip. I got to figure out the future and I need to be able to drink at my wedding that isn't existent. I realized how not in the moment I was living and I think we can do anything one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you're out there and you're like, I want to quit drinking, it is one day at a time. Whatever avenue you decide you want to stop drinking, you don't do it all in one day. In the same way that if you see 50 stairs and you know you need to get at the top, you're not just going to jump all 50. You just take one little baby step at a time and eventually you'll get to the top and you'll look down and you'll go, oh my God, I just made it 30 days. Seems unbelievable at the time, but you don't think about the future yet. You stay in the day, stay in the day. That's how I live my life. That's how I do anything. I remember finding out the information that was going to lead to the divorce, let's say in September. The divorce wasn't final until the following November. There were six months in the filing, but it took from September to January for me to finally know in my heart, okay, I'm ready to fully walk away without it being premature or me looking back and having any regret. I had to come to it myself. That takes a special kind of knowing and guiding and talking with others and listening to myself and listening to my gut because I feel like that was my biggest journey and biggest lesson with this was the body doesn't lie, energy doesn't lie, people lie and I was oftentimes listening to what he was saying rather than my own gut, which was a huge problem for me for a long time as I gave a lot of people power over my own feelings, which taught me not to listen to my intuition. It turns out my intuition is a lot stronger than I knew. I just wasn't giving it any credit. That was the lesson that I had to learn that. I'm actually really grateful for that experience and really grateful that I did all of that sober. I think if I had been drinking, I may have posted all the screenshots of what I saw and just created so much wreckage and made a complete ass out of myself and I probably would maybe still be with him because I didn't have any self-worth. I don't know what I would have done, but I know that sobriety got me through it as well as people and having good habits of how to look at my part. I chose the person. That's the best. I have a huge part in this. This is not blame the world. Once we stop blaming the world and we start looking at what did we do, we have freedom. Taking responsibility is a beautiful thing because then we can change it. I'm in 100% alignment with you on that one. Let's head for home. I wanted to bring up that you and I actually share one person in common. At least we have stories sharing one person in common. That person is the Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston. Just to tee this story up, tell us a little bit about your, I don't know if obsession is the right word, but let's just say you're enthusiasm for a certain 90s sitcom and one of the actresses in that sitcom. Do you want to just share a little bit about that and then I'll share how you and I are connected to that person? Yeah, definitely obsession is the perfect word. It became obsessed when I was 12. Saw it being filmed and when I was 12, I wore a big oversized Friends t-shirt, watched the show. So we should just clarify that we are referring to the 90s sitcom show Friends. Friends. Yes, Friends. Friends. You love Friends. You're a massive Friends fan. Massive Friends fan. Love it so much. I've seen every episode over 20 times, owned the whole series. Every hotel I go in, I make sure I'm watching it at night. It's my comfort zone. I watched it in college. It's what I watched. It's there are my Friends. So yeah, I think it was actually 2019. It was right before I decided to close the chapter on my marriage and it was like my birthday and oddly enough, I had just gotten a Friends cake. It's like this three, so I seemed very, and every gift anyone gets me is Friends cups, Friends t-shirts and so I'm like obsessed with Friends and in the meantime, Jennifer Anderson joins Instagram and I follow her and I remember doing breathwork and I was like, I've got you, man, and I've got you, like you don't need anyone. And I was like trying to heal and I got out of breathwork and I felt so amazing and then I got a text and they're like, I can't believe Jennifer Anderson's following you. And I'm like, what? And I go to her account and she's following like 226 people at this point and I'm one of them and I'm going, oh my God, because there's no one else that could have followed me that's better than this in my book at all. And I'm like, and I write to her and she writes back. She compliments me and compliment her and then we've been messaging each other ever since. She bought my book. She read it. Actually, I don't know if she read it. I just know that she bought it. She sent me a message of her holding it saying she came and she's always said that we need to get together and break bread and she's been really lovely and I've sent her videos and we plan to at some point meet in person, which we have not, but we have a cute little Instagram friendship and she's darling and I love her. Wow. That's pretty cool. Every video I post, every video she likes it all. And now Courtney Cox follows me and likes everything I post as well. How does that feel? Like I'm the queen and I've won life. It's amazing. Great. Great story. Amazing. Jennifer Aniston had a big part in me choosing to give up alcohol. Did you know this story? Did she deny you? No, no, no. Did she deny what? I don't know. Did she deny my advances, my romantic advances? Like you need to just stop drinking. You're like, okay. And that's how it happened. Yeah, no, it didn't happen. Didn't happen like that. No, I met, I actually met Jennifer Aniston a couple times. I used to be a celebrity interviewer in the sense that I would interview movie stars and film producers, et cetera, at film junkets, I should say. And I first interviewed her when she was promoting a film called Along Came Polly, which she also starred Ben Stiller in the early 2000s. And then it was 2007 I was at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah and Jennifer Aniston was promoting an independent film that she'd starred in called Friends with Money. And I was there at the Sundance Film Festival and I got a photo with her. And just as the photo was taken, I sucked my gut in because I just did not look good. I've been drinking for like three or four days. At that time in my life, I'd stopped playing rugby, which I played for many years. So my metabolism had slowed down. I was eating burgers and fries. I was smoking cigarettes. I was drinking quite a lot. And I remember not starring, but standing next to Jennifer Aniston, waiting for this photo to be taken and sucking my gut in because I was so self-conscious about standing next to a Hollywood star like Jennifer Aniston and how unkempt I looked and how physically unhealthy I really was at that time. I'd love to say that right in that moment was the moment that I decided to quit drinking. But no, it wasn't. It took another four years, actually. Four years later, I was in Austin, Texas, sitting in an IHOP, the International House of Pancakes, and looking around just going, what am I doing here? Like after having a couple of drinks the night before. And I recalled that photo with Jennifer Aniston. I still have the photo in my phone as a reminder, actually. I'll show it to you now. I'm not sure if I've ever shown it to you before, Manon. I feel like I've seen it, but maybe not because you've shown it to me. Yeah. And so that very photo, in part, triggered me into or inspired me into making lifestyle changes. There I am. I'll just hold it up to the camera. Can you see that, Manon? So troubled. I mean, I like to call myself the Marshmallow Man, and that thing is my face is not even hard or chiseled. It's just like I've got a double chin happening. I'm probably about 218 pounds. And just for reference, I'm now 185. What was the date? Well, the date was January 2007. The date on the phone is, it's a photo of a photo, so it's not accurate. But yeah, it was, a Sunday's Film Festival always takes place late January. And she was promoting friends with money. I remember that very clearly. So yeah, Jennifer Aniston, in part, played a big role, a big part in inspiring me to give up alcohol, and my life has completely changed as a result. So thanks, Jennifer Aniston. And Jennifer Aniston, seemingly, has played a huge part, a huge role in your life. What did you say? I didn't hear what you said. I made a joke of she made you stop drinking, and she's played a huge role in me drinking again. Oh, I see. Well, damn you, Jennifer Aniston. She's played a huge role just in my life in general. When I watch her, I feel like I'm watching my mother. It's the weirdest thing. They are very similar in their temperament and their sweetness and darling. Like, she's very darling to me, Jennifer Aniston is. So she's always reminded me a little bit of like motherly. I don't know how she'll feel about that. But I'm just imagining when you finally sit down with her, like, how do you think you're gonna act? How do you think you're gonna be in that moment? I've thought about this many times. And I feel like I will just, I'll have to tell her everything I feel first so that I don't have to hold on to it. I just want to say that I am obsessed with you. I love you so much. I did this to Matthew Perry, and he was very strange. He was very weirded out by it. He was years ago. And I was like, hi, I love you. No one was around. This wasn't like a gathering. Like, we were just like out at this park. And he's like, oh, like, yeah, you're, I just love you so much. I've met and I met David Schwimmer too, in New York, right before I moved there. And that was a much pleasant interaction. But yeah, Matthew, they all have, I don't know, everyone has a different reaction to when you openly confess your love. But I think she'll already expect that I love her. I think she's very much aware. Well, let me confess my admiration and appreciation for you being here on this podcast with my listeners, Manon. So I appreciate you. Thank you for your guidance and for sharing your experience of life and for being vulnerable. I'm certain that our listeners have got tremendous amount of support and guidance from it. And so I appreciate you and our friendship and acknowledge you for the amazing journey that you have been on and that you continue to be on. So thank you. Thank you, James. I feel the same way. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I want to load you up with some free stuff. If you look in the show description, there's a link there to get my guide, which is the Alcohol Freedom Formula Guide. And in that guide, I will walk you through the process and system for successfully reducing or quitting alcohol. It's the same system and process that I give to my clients inside of Project 90. And if you would like to get your hands on that guide, you can click the link in the description part of this episode, or you can go to alcoholfreelifestyle.com forward slash guide. Likewise, if you would like to be considered for Project 90 to join our community and get some accountability, coaching and have fun, achieve some goals over at least 90 days with our help and support, then you're invited to schedule a complimentary coaching call with one of my coaches. You can do that by clicking the link in the show description or going to alcoholfreelifestyle.com forward slash schedule. Now Project 90 is for over 30s only. And it's really for people who are ready to get long-term power over alcohol. You don't have to quit forever, but you will have to quit for at least 90 days with our support. Just a reminder, 95% of my content is free and plastered all over the internet. If you just Google James Swanik and the word alcohol, you'll find that. For those of you who want additional support, if you want coaching, fun, accountability, if you realize that you can't do this on your own or you just plain don't want to, then I invite you to schedule that call and we can talk about if Project 90 is for you. If you would like to take some of my supplements, swanvitality.com is the website. I'll put a link in the show notes as well. I have a liver support product called Loving Liver, which I designed and specially formulated to help remove toxins from your liver after years of alcohol consumption. Again, there's a link in the show description. We've also got a green powder there, which turns into a green juice filled with amazing ingredients to support you and give you energy throughout the day. And there's also a magnesium product which I take every night to help me prepare for sleep and to sleep through the night. So there's a few options there. Lastly, if this episode or the show in general has helped you or supported you in any way, I would so appreciate it if you would write a review. It really does help the show climb the rankings and expose the show to people who don't yet know about us. So if this show has benefited you in any way and you feel compelled to pay it forward, just writing a short little review, hopefully a nice one, will be so appreciated. And I will thank you immensely. Lastly, if you'd like to talk to me about anything at all, feel free to send me an email at James at alcoholfreelaststyle.com. I do read and respond to every email. And you can also follow me on Instagram at at James Swannock, send me a message there. And I look forward to connecting with you soon. Catch you on the next one.