 What's up everybody? Rafe Derrazy here. Or is it Raif Derrazy? Or is it Timmy Zimmer? That's what we're trying to figure out today. That's what I'm trying to figure out every day for the past long time. For the past long time, that doesn't make any sense. For a while, it's been on my mind. I've remembered to turn off the AC today and the refrigerator before I even started recording. However, my AC is still running. I don't know why it's not listening to me. AC off. Hey Siri, turn AC off. I don't have a connected helmet. It doesn't do anything. But I'm still talking about the fact that my turn to my refrigerator off and my AC. So I've still ruined it because now I'm still referencing something that should just happen and not be an integral part of my video. Ooh, AC just turned off. Great. Okay, now on a serious note, I really am thinking about my name because for those of you who don't know, I've spent the majority of my life using a completely different name than the one that you're probably familiar with, which is Raif Derrazy. I grew up going by Timmy Zimmer. Timmy Zimmer was never my legal name. Timmy was just a random name that my mom came up with. She thought it was the most American name that she could think of. So she gave it to me and started calling me Timmy and Zimmer was my stepdad's last name, but he never adopted me. So that was never actually my name on all federal legal documents. My name was Raif Derrazy, but in school documents and more public records where it wasn't as important to use my legal name, I use Timmy Zimmer everywhere. So everybody in Orange County where I grew up knew me as Timmy Zimmer. So I got here to the US from the Netherlands when I was approximately four and a half years old. And as soon as I got here, that's when my mom gave me my fake name. And then it wasn't until I was 22 at UCLA that I decided to go back to my given legal name. And now here we are 12 years later and I'm wondering if I should change the pronunciation of my first name now. But first, let me give you the history. So I was born in the Netherlands in Utrecht, Netherlands, to be exact. It's known as a college town. And when I was about four and a half years old, my mom decided to flee the Netherlands. That's right. Flee the Netherlands with me in tow, because she was running away from her husband at the time. He was both physically and emotionally abusive. They're one of my very earliest memories of my childhood. Exciting, I know. And so she brought me and our suitcases and what little money she had. Didn't tell anyone, came here to the US. That's a ballsy move, mom. Kudos to you. And she was very, very concerned that my biological father, her husband at the time, would find me. Maybe cause do some harm to her. Maybe kidnap me, take me back to the Netherlands or possibly Morocco, where the laws are different. And she would never see me again. So with that in mind, she did the most pragmatic things she could do, which was give me a different name. So we were basically in hiding here in Southern California as a foreigner to the US. Coming here, not really knowing very much, Timmy was the most American name that my mom could think of. So I started going by Timmy. And soon after, she met who would become my stepdad and who she would later marry. And his last name was Zimmer. And so I just took on that pseudonym. Why not? And it wasn't until I was at UCLA, studying musical theater, I was in class, and my professor had already met me, met all the students, knew I was Timmy, and started to call off the roll sheet, going down the list. Who's Rafe Derase? Rafe? Rafe Derase? Is there a Rafe here? And I go, oh yeah, that's me. That's my name. And he's like, I thought you were Timmy. Who's Rafe? I don't understand. So I explained him that I'd gone by Timmy Zimmer for a long time. I didn't give him the specifics. But he's like, why wouldn't you use Rafe Derase? That's such a better stage name. That's so cool. It's so interesting. It's ethnic. It's unique. Why aren't you using that name? And I was like, you're right. Why aren't I using that name? I should be proud of my name. It's pretty fucking cool. And I don't need to be in hiding anymore. I'm a grown ass adult. Why not use the name? So I was like, all right, let's do it. And from that point on, as I was starting at UCLA, I started using Rafe Derase. So everybody who knew me once I moved to LA knows me as Rafe Derase. Everybody who I grew up with in Orange County knows me as Timmy Zimmer. That's what I've done for since I was 22 years old. Now I'm 34 years old. And for the past, I would say for the past year or two, people, especially in the restaurant where I work, when I'm introducing myself, whenever I say my name is Rafe, they're like, oh, that's cool. I like that name. Is that short for something? Is it short for Raphael? I'm like, no, it's just Rafe. They're like, oh, okay, that's interesting. I'm like, well, it's technically pronounced Raif. It's Moroccan. And they're like, ooh, Raif. Why don't you go by Raif? That's so much more interesting. It has like a beautiful sound to it. It flows. It's better. Rafe kind of sounds like a villain's name. I've heard someone tell me that my name sounds like a villain. Although there's a Rafe in Pearl Harbor, there's a Rafe in Pearl Harbor and he's a good guy. He's awesome. Or I'll get, oh, Rafe like the car. I'm like, no, it's not TH. It's an F. It's Rafe. I'm like, how do you spell that? R-A-I-F. Raif. Raif has a role to it. It has a sexiness to it, I think. So I'm like, well, why have I been going by Rafe when it's to actually pronounce Raif? And I go, well, because when I was 22 years old on my 22-year-old brain, I'm like, Rafe is easier to communicate to someone. It's easier to say, oh, my name is Rafe. It's one syllable. It's pretty straightforward. And it's also like a good middle ground between my very American name and my very ethnic sounding Moroccan name. So it was kind of like my ease into ethnicity. It was like, it's like, it's like when you're straight, but then you've realized that you're gay. And so you just decided to be bi for a little while, because it's easier to deal with being bi because you get half of like your old life as a straight guy. But then you're like moving slowly inching to this new life as someone who also likes the same sex. So that's how I view my name. It was like my bi period. And I think I'm ready to let go of my bi period. So that just sounds like menstruation all of a sudden. I'm ready to let go of my bi phase. That's better. Better than period. Let's not talk about periods. I kept that. So now I'm very seriously considering starting to introduce myself to people as Raif. Raif. Raif. Raif. I still have to get used to that. It's so weird to me. I don't know. But I wanted to talk about it because I want your guys input too and what you guys think. I think I'm there. I'm getting close to it, but I just need that final push. And that's why I'm turning to you guys. I want to know what you guys think about my name. I know it probably sounds silly. Like who cares? It's just a name. But you know, it's like my identity in a way too. So it's important to me. Raif. Raif. Raif. Raif. Raif. I think it's pretty fucking cool. Let's talk about what Raif means. Someone actually told me this. I can search. I can search. So my name is Arabic. It's an Arabic name, Arabic origin. And I once had someone who is familiar with Arabic and recognize my name. Actually, they spelled it out for me, which is cool. And then they also were able to tell me the meaning of it. So it's like, it means the kind one or it could be interpreted as the one who is kind and tender to others. Doesn't that sound like me? Are I kind and tender? Not always, but I think that's just like my default energies. I have a kindness, I think, and a sweetness and a softness to my spirit. I have other aspects as well, but I think that I think that's very indicative of my heart and who I am. And I think that's so interesting like that that just fits me so well. Because you come up with a name before someone's born or when they're born, you don't know how they're going to turn out, what they're going to be like. And I just think it's really serendipitous that it fits me so well. And I remember growing up, I remember when I was a kid, and I remember I knew that my name was different, but I never really paid any attention to it because it was so ethnic and different. And growing up in Orange County in a very white, wealthy, conservative community, anything that made me different, I kind of was at anathema to me. I didn't want to associate with it because I already was so bullied and made fun of and I was ostracized and I just didn't fit in. So I did not want anything to do with anything that was going to differentiate me from everybody else. I wanted to fit in so bad. My, yeah, my given name was just so, so out there, if you can imagine, in that environment, so like, I didn't bring it up. I didn't pay any attention to it. I didn't put any energy or thought into it. I just didn't want anything to do with it. That's been something that I've had to get over psychologically and really grow and learn to appreciate. And I think also part of it is that attributing this Arabic name to my biological father, who for so long was literally in my mind, in my emotions, evil. He represented evil in my life. And when I, when I was a kid, I, I equated him and I'm not just saying this as an adult, like when you equate, you go, Oh, that person's evil. Oh, they're, or they're a bad person. It's not the same as when you're in like child mind, five year old, six year old brain, and you equate that with evil. When you think about evil as a kid, it's like this overwhelming, horrifying, we're talking life and death, feeling emotion about something. That's how I felt about my biological father. He was the literal boogeyman. He wasn't, I wasn't comparing him to the boogeyman in my head. He, he literally was the boogeyman and I would have nightmares at night. I had a lot of nightmares and I had nightmares about him in my dreams and he was the boogeyman. He had a completely pale white face and he would come for me and search for me. I'd be running and I'd be hiding and he would come to kill me. And that was my perception of my biological father for a very long time as a child. And I knew that he was like Arab ethnicity. So, and that that name was attributed to him and his culture. So to me, that name was also like something I wanted to distance myself from for also that reason. So I've also had to come to terms with that and I can't associate my name and, and the Arab culture with someone, a specific person who was just not a good person in my life at that point. And that was something I had finally healed from and come to terms with by the time I was 22. I had a, I had the realization that he's just a man. He's just a human being. And I like to think that all humans are redeemable and it's, and it's not in my best interest to hold on to negative feelings and thoughts about other people. It doesn't do me any good in my life as I want to grow and learn and become better to hold on to those things. So I had to let that go. And when I, when I did let that go finally, then I was able to embrace my name. It's interesting how that works, but that's a little summation of my name, where it came from, why I was going by a different name for so many years, why I decided to embrace it again, and why at this present moment I'm finally like, okay, let's fine tune this. Let's not be bi anymore. I'm not bisexual anymore. I want to be fully gay. Let's embrace it. I'm with pride and that's what led me to this present moment and to this video where I'm sharing it with you and wanting to know what your thoughts are because not because I need you guys to decide for me, but because I value the thoughts of others. I love to have a discussion in the dialectic. So that's what really gets me going. Anyway, I think on another video I'm totally down to get more to the nitty gritty of that whole experience with my biological father and that whole dynamic in my life. But for now, I just wanted to touch on it so I could explain my name. So comment, please. I would love to hear your feedback. All right, guys. I'll see you soon. Bye.