 What's up you guys, it's Lloyd here with the single guy and today we're going to be talking about assertiveness. Too many people watching this video, too many of my students and something that I struggled with when I was younger. They have a problem with us being assertive, asserting themselves in a social situation. A lot of this has to do with the way we're brought up. We're in school with our parents, we're taught to raise our hand, we're taught to wait in line, we're taught to ask for permission. I mean, we even have to ask to go to the bathroom or in school. Sometimes the teacher says no. How crazy is that? You grow up in this environment where you're basically beaten into the submissive, permission-seeking kind of guy. What do you have to go out in the real world when it comes time to be assertive? You're too scared. In fact, a lot of guys that I talk to, they say that they feel really bad or they feel really ashamed about asking somebody for something or standing up for themselves. Stop feeling bad about standing up for yourselves, guys. Because too many of you, so there's two sides of the spectrum. On the one hand, on the one side, you have the courteous, push-over kind of guy. And then on the other side, you have the disagreeable, ultra-competitive kind of guy. If you're too far on either side, you're not going to be successful in life. But too many of you guys are way too far over here. You have to kind of find in the middle where you lie, where it's reasonable for you. But too many of you are way too far over here. So we've got to push the envelope a little bit and find out where the bar is. Because when you're being assertive, if you go too far, then you're seen as aggressive. But too many of you, if the aggressive line is here, you're all hanging around down here and you're only going up a little bit. You never find out where the line is, you never find out how far. You can take things because you've never experimented with that sort of stuff. In this video, I'm going to give you kind of a framework, things to do to start being more assertive. I'm going to show you how that looks and how it's going to change your life. So the first thing that I would recommend that you guys start doing is have a code of conduct. Have rules that you go by, things that you will not put up with if they happen to you. One of the things that I really don't like is I don't like it when people are dishonest to me. Another rule that I have is if I try and hang out with a girl twice and she doesn't hang out with me those two times, I'm not texting her for a third time. I'm probably going to cut off contact. If she won't hang out with me, then that's fine, but I'm going to move on. These don't have to be your rules, although I think those are two pretty good ones. But you should have some rules of your own, things that you won't put up with. If they're reasonable, there is no reason why you shouldn't want to stand up for yourself in those circumstances. There's no reason to feel bad. The other thing too is that don't be scared to upset a few people. When a lot of you guys are out, you're worried, you want the girl to like you so badly that you don't want to say anything that will offend her. That's actually killing your ability to cause attraction. We are talking about this thing called breaking rapport on this channel. That's exactly what it is. It's not being scared to have those difficult conversations to stand up for yourself, stand your ground, have a little bit of a disagreement. That's okay. Women actually like that in a guy. You can do that sort of stuff. But if you're never willing to push that barrier, you're never going to find that out. The other thing that I would recommend for you guys is let's say you're out at the bar or something like that. Experiment with ordering people around. I'm serious. Now, you don't have to be an asshole about it. I'm not talking about like, hey, do 50 push-ups like you're a drill surgeon. I'm just saying like, hey, if you're holding a drink, be like, hey, can you hold this for a second? Or can you wash my stuff while I go to the bathroom? Or hey, come here a second. I just want to show you something. Those types of little things, see what you can get people to do. See how people react. And if they don't do something, okay, well, why didn't they do that? Maybe you didn't have enough leverage. Maybe you asked in a way that was too mean. Or maybe you did it in kind of an asshole-ish manner or something like that. Okay, you'll learn to see what happens. And sometimes you might upset somebody. It's okay. If you upset someone, if you feel like you went too far, they just apologize. Hey, sorry, didn't mean to upset you and then move on. Okay, and if they don't accept your apology, fuck them. Who cares? Okay, there's plenty of people in the world. Not everybody's going to like you. Teaching you guys try and be that type of guy, that bad boy guy that gets those girls because they're able to exemplify those characteristics that you've never exemplified before. The other thing that I'd like to invite you guys to do is handle situations quicker and start making decisions and sticking with them. Say, hey, we're all going to this bar and see how many people follow you. Or let's get off the sidewalk, let's go to the cabana or something like that. Like, just these little things, these little commands, these little decisions, trying to get people to do them, sticking with them and figuring out why they work, why they don't work is a lot of learning about social calibration and being smarter socially. You're going to learn a lot more about people. You're going to learn a lot more about why they won't do something, why they will do something. So what it's going to teach you is it's going to teach you about people's wants and needs. You're going to learn a lot more about what's going on in people's heads. Once you recognize this, you're actually going to be able to get what you want a lot more. So a lot of my students and a lot of times when the guys are out with me, they see me kind of like doing this sort of stuff where I'm ordering girls around, they're kind of like following me or like, how do you get, Lloyd, how do you get these girls to follow you around the bar? How do you get them to buy you a drink or get that other guy to buy you guys a drink? How do they get them to let you into that club for free? Well, I did it because I have a good understanding about what women's wants and needs are. And so I'm able to ask in a way that is charismatic, smooth, but also assertive at the same time. And so people are more likely to do what you want if you know it's going to benefit them too. And I'm always conscious of this sort of stuff. So I'm thinking about what's going through her head as I'm talking to her a lot of times. And sometimes if we're in a crowded area, it's easier to just leave. It's better for the both of us. Sometimes if we're just, you know, around board, like I can make it a game and I can make it say, hey, I bet you can't get that guy to buy us a drink or something like that. Now it's a fun game for the both of us. So by my innate understanding of people's feelings, thoughts, I'm able to get people to do what I want a lot more. Once you start experimenting with this, like ordering people around, the temptation for a lot of guys to spend, and this is kind of what happened to me, is that you try and be that ultra alpha guy all the time and you don't compromise. But one of the characteristics of an assertive and calm leader is he's flexible. So if things don't go exactly the way that you want, it's fine. Work something out. So let's say you want a girl to come to, I don't know, another bar with you or something like that. And she's like, oh, but I got to hang out with Sally. And you'd be like, oh, no, Sally can't come. We're not going at all. Just bring Sally with you in the ditcher later. Like it's fine. You don't have to be that kind of guy that's like a stickler for everything because you're trying to be that ultra alpha dominant guy. Because that guy doesn't have a lot of success either. And what's related to this too is don't get too emotional. If you're trying to be assertive and people aren't listening to you, the worst thing that you can do is get really flustered. One of the things that used to really trigger me is if a girl was, if she would be like, oh, or she would say that. Now, when I was telling a story or to me in general, I would get really frustrated. And so that would make me seem like even more of a bitch. Okay. Once you start acting out, once you start yelling at people and losing your cool, you basically just lost all your social power. So if you keep your cool in a calm, collected manner, you can get people to do a lot more stuff and you can be a lot more assertive and stand up for yourself in a calm, smooth, charismatic way. What I mean charismatic and I mean smooth, I mean, you're going to start asking for things, but you're going to start asking for them probably in the wrong way at the beginning. But then you're going to start to realize, okay, there's a better way to ask for things. So if you, like for the example of getting a girl to buy me a drink or something like that, if I just said, hey, buy me a drink and threw the money at her, okay, that would be a horrible way to ask that question. But if I handed her the money very gently, I said, hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom. If you could get me a this, this, this, okay, that'd be really great. I'll see you in a second. That's a lot better way of asking than just being dismissive. The other way was actually pretty compassionate and, you know, it was a lot more charismatic than the first way. So you're going to get better about being able to ask for things in a certain way. Being nice in this category means they're able to ask for things in a way that actually makes the person feel good about doing it. One way that you guys can start being more assertive without feeling like you're, so I know a lot of guys feel bad about doing this sort of stuff. So one of the things that you can do to take the pressure off you is to use certain phrases like all, you know, my rules are or I have a policy or something like that. So an example here is if a girl walks up to you and is like, hey, buy me a drink, which by the way, if a girl ever, the first things out of her mouth is buy me a drink. You should never buy her a drink. So if she walks up and says that, I'll say like, oh, well, I have a policy. I can't buy girls drinks unless I've been talking for a little bit or something like that. Okay, that takes a little bit of the ownership off you. And it's like, well, it's the policy. Sorry, it's not me, even though you were the one who came up with that in the first place. So that's something that you can use to help out with this as well. The other thing that's going to help too is your vocal tonality and the way that you talk. So if you, a deeper voice is a little bit more commanding and women respond a little more to that. If you have a really deep voice, the way you ask for stuff is you actually got to be a little nicer than what you asked for it, but it does work a little bit better. So you can do vocal tonality exercises to get your voice a little bit deeper. Also too, don't ask for things really unclearly and speak super quickly. I know I speak really fast on this channel, but I actually speak a lot slower when I'm out, especially if the music's loud. And that helps make it sound a little more calm, collected, and more commanding. Hopefully from what you're seeing from this is how to be assertive in a reasonable way. That kind of guy is really attractive. But if you go onto the other side where you're asking for things in a way that's just like way too emotional or way too aggressive, that is not going to work for women. So again, you have to find out where you lie on this line. And so a lot of you, what you're going to do is because you're so, you're so tired of being the nice guy, you're going to go way over to this side and you're going to experience being an asshole and why you should actually like, you need a little bit of, you need a little bit of kindness to get women. And you're going to find a medium in between where you're standing up for yourself, getting what you want, but also making people feel good while they do it and being kind and compassionate to others. So find that balance, you guys. Don't be scared to upset people. Again, if you find yourself upsetting people consistently, okay, ask yourself, why am I doing this? This is something that I can change. But if you're not, then I would invite you to do it and see where the line is. Because if you don't cross the line, you'll never know where it is really. So thanks a lot, you guys. If you made it to the end, consider subscribing. I come up with videos like this every single week. If you're interested in my weekly one-on-one mentorship program, shoot me an email with us singleguy2017 at dmo.com. If you have any questions, put them in the comment section below. Thanks a lot. Good luck out there, you guys.