 And welcome to Out of the Comfort Zone. I'm your host, RB Kelly, and today we're doing the show solo. Now I wanted to start out by asking if you've ever heard something like this phrase. It's bad to judge people. Have you ever heard something like that? Often we quote it from Scripture even though the original text is actually about, you shouldn't make bad judgments instead of you shouldn't make any judgments. When we judge people, we often feel guilty about it. And maybe when we say, oh, I don't like that person, someone else will say to us, you're being judgmental. As in Q, you're a horrible person and you should stop. But what people don't seem to realize is that our brains are hardwired to make judgments. That's what they do. That is the sole purpose. Our brains are here to help us figure out what's good, what's bad, what we should do, what we should avoid. And our brains are like this because we are first class survival machines. You are here today because your parents and their parents and their parents and their parents and their parents and on and on in a freakishly long cycle survived long enough to pass on their genes. Think about it. Think you've got this unbroken chain of survival instincts coming to you from millions and millions of years. So your brain is designed to make judgments because it's designed to keep you alive. Now our brains are busy, thinking takes a lot of work. And so our brains like to take shortcuts whenever possible. And so this means our brains like to filter out all the information they can. But they have to walk that fine line. If they filter out too much information, then you might miss something important. If they don't filter out enough information, then you spend so much energy thinking you die, alright? So there's that balance. Our brains try to walk. They will ignore as much as they can, but they can't ignore too much. Our brains have this little bar that they'll judge things by. If something is good for you, bad for you, then they will bring it to your attention. If it doesn't fit any of those areas, meh, doesn't matter. You walk into a room, you don't notice the color of the carpet. You don't notice the color of the walls. You don't check out the ceiling. You notice the people in the room. You notice if there's food. You notice if there's someone who looks like they're going to kill you. You notice that there's a loose tiger walking around. You notice what's good for you and what's bad for you. But your brain tries to delete as much information as possible to save you time. And this is where judgments come in. Because once your brain makes up its mind, it doesn't want to reuse all that computing energy and change its decision. So once we make up our minds, our brains will cherry pick data in order to prove that they were right. So here's where I'm going with this. When you make a first impression, you're stuck with it. And that first impression happens very, very quickly. And if you don't come across as good for someone or bad for someone, you'll basically be ignored. Now Mark Bowden did a really interesting TED talk where he talked about the four categories that people are sorted to when they first meet someone. And I'm going to explain that a little further in depth for you. So there are four categories, and we're going to count them out on our fingers so it's easy to remember you've got this anywhere, anytime. The very first category that you might be sorted into when you meet someone is the friend category. Have you ever met someone and just instantly liked them? Nothing about this person came across as friendly, welcoming, and good for you. If that's ever happened, this is the category you sorted them into. Then there's this second category. This is the middle finger, right? This is what we used to flip people off. So if you've ever met someone and instantly disliked them, this is the category you've put them into. And it might be someone who maybe they look scary. They look like they could possibly kill you, and maybe they want to. And so you were like, I'm scared of this person, I'm just going to stay out of their way. That's the predator category. Or maybe it's someone who feels like competition. Or maybe they're a social threat, an emotional threat, not just a physical threat. Any of those types of people fall into the predator category, and they tell your brain to stay away. This person is bad for you. Then you've got the third category. It's the potential romantic partner category. So if it goes well, they'll put a ring on it, right? So this is the category you've sorted someone into. When you see them and think, oh my gosh, you are so attractive, please ask me out. That is the category you've sorted them into. And now if you are a professional who is single, you might be confused about whether you want to fall into the friend category or the romantic partner category. And that's normal. You'll have to figure that out on your own. But those are the first three categories that people typically get sorted into. And if you don't check the boxes for these three categories, then you get stuck with this fourth category. And just to preface this, it's on the pinky. We don't need the pinky. We forget about the pinky. It's basically useless. So if you've ever met someone and then forgotten their name or forgotten their face, forgotten what they do, or even forgotten you've met them before, it's a pretty good sign you've sorted them into this indifferent category. This is the category where your brain meets them, judges them, and is like, eh, they don't matter, and throws them in here so you don't have to think about them. And if you are a business professional or if you are single, if you are wanting to get a job, if you are wanting to make friends, if you are wanting to advance in any way, shape, or form in your life, and you fall into this category, you're going to fail. This category is only useful if you are a spy who's trying to blend in before you kill your target, okay? Nobody else wants to fall into this indifferent category. But that is where most of us are falling when we meet new people. And here's why. Most of us, when we're preparing for a big presentation, whether that's a date, whether it's a pitch, whether it's a sales meeting, whatever it is, we think about what to say, but that's it. I mean, we might spend a few minutes agonizing, oh, do I wear the blue tie? Do I wear the red tie if we even wear ties? But most of our mental struggle will be focused on what to say, what product to present, what topics to talk about. But that's not how people make their first impression. Because your first impression happens really, really quickly. And usually, you don't even have time to say anything at all before your first impression is made. And after that, the only way you're going to change your first impression is if you smash through what they assumed with a giant hammer. Because most of the time, if you come across as someone who's boring or dry, then you might be able to change that a little bit and come across as mostly boring, but occasionally not. But you're pretty well stuck with what you came up with. So you save hours of energy. You save hours of time. You save yourself so much hassle if you can get sorted into the right category right away. And how do you do that? Well, you want to focus on what people actually use to judge you. And most of that has nothing to do with what you say. Most of it actually comes from your body language and then with a little fraction of your outer appearance. Because think about it, all right? You chose what to wear today. I chose what to wear today. You chose how to do your hair if you wanted to do it at all. You chose what to put on your face for makeup. You chose what jewelry to wear. You choose how to sit, how to stand. You choose what type of voice you're going to use, whether it's a little nervous and shy. Hi, I'm Arby. Welcome to the show. Or whether it's angry and demanding. Hi, I'm Arby. Welcome to the show. Or whether it's calm, soothing, and control. Hi, I'm Arby. Welcome to the show. You see, you can change the way people see you by changing your body language and tweaking your outer appearance. You change it by changing what you do with your voice. And then finally, the very, very last part that you wanted to worry about, that's when you worry about what to say. So don't start with what to say. Start with how you're saying it. So let's get started. Now, there's this kind of graph you can imagine when you're meeting someone. They'll put you on this graph. And the two axes they'll use to measure you are one, likeability, and two, competence. So if you meet someone who is high in competence, so they're over here somewhere on the graph, but they're low in likeability, that would put them right here. And in this quadrant, you put people who can get the job done, but you don't want to deal with them. So if you've ever worked with someone who's actually very good at what they do, but is a nightmare to work with, then this is the category you put them into. This is the part of the quadrant where it's high in competence, but low in likeability. So they end up right here. Then you have some people who are very high in likeability, but they don't come across as knowing what to actually do. They come across maybe as a little ditzy, a little shallow, a little air-headed. People don't respect them, even though they like them. And so for that person, they're in the low competence area in the high likeability area, so they are right here. And these are the people we like, but we dismiss. We're willing to talk to them, share our life story, but we don't take them seriously. We don't take their advice. And so these two areas, the high competent, but not likable, or the highly likable, but seemingly incompetent, neither of these areas are where you want to end up. But if you can find a way to be the high competence and high likability person, that puts you right in this part of the graph. And this is where we put the people we like, we admire, we respect, the people we trust. So if you can think of someone who is not only really good at what they did, but also was a pleasure to work with, this is the category you put them into. And so that's another thing to keep in mind when you're meeting someone, because if you come across as highly competent and highly likable, easy to work with, that is what you want to do in order to get put into that friend category. So we've covered a lot. I'm gonna give you a minute to digest it and we will be back in just a few minutes. See you then. Hello, I'm Dave Stevens, host of the Cyber Underground. This is where we discuss everything that relates to computers that's just gonna scare you out of your mind. So come join us every week here on thinktecawaii.com, 1 p.m. on Friday afternoons, and then you can go see all our episodes on YouTube, just look up the Cyber Underground on YouTube. All our shows will show up and please follow us. We're always giving you current, relevant information to protect you. Keepin' you safe. Aloha. When I was growing up, I was among the one in six American kids who struggled with hunger and hungry mornings make tired days. Grumpy days. That kind of days. But with the power of breakfast, the kids in your neighborhood can think big and be more. When we're not hungry for breakfast, we're hungry for more. More ideas. More dreams. More fun. When kids aren't hungry for breakfast, they can be hungry for more. Go to hungarees.org and lend your time or your voice to make breakfast happen for kids in your neighborhood. Hello, welcome back to Out of the Comfort Zone. We were just talking about how judgmental you are and why that's a good thing. So here's the thing. When you make a bad judgment, you might die. So it is in your best interest to make the most accurate judgment possible. And while it used to be making a bad judgment wouldn't actually kill you, these days it's more like making a bad judgment might mean you lose your life savings or might mean you get taken advantage of. Usually, our society is much, much safer so you're less likely to actually die, but there are predators in this world and they walk among us looking for victims. So I'm going to talk about another reason that judgments are so important and why you need to make them in order to keep you safe. So how many times have you met someone, thought something a little nasty about them and then thought, oh, I'm a horrible person. You know what? I'll just give them another chance. Have you ever done that? I've done that. And most of the time when I do that, I come to regret it because my intuition was accurate the first time. And that's not always true. There have been some people that I misjudged because they didn't know how to make a good impression and it turns out they're actually decent people. But often, when I meet someone and I put them in the predator category, there's a reason. And something really dangerous that happens, particularly to people who are elderly, who are super young, who are female or who are infirm, is that they aren't able to defend themselves from the people they gave a second chance to. So for example, let's say you are, you're knocking on your door, you are at home and someone is knocking out your door and you look out your little peephole, but it's not someone you recognize. But you're like, oh, this is a safe neighborhood. I'm just gonna open it up and ask what they want. And before you open the door, you think, I don't know about that. And you look out the peephole again and something about them, you can't put your finger on it. Something about them makes you feel a little icky and you wonder, what if they're not safe? And then you think, oh my goodness, I am a horrible person. I'm judging this person. That's a bad thing to do. I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt. And you open up the door and bam, your home is being robbed, all right? There are people out in the world who are trying to hurt you, who are willing to hurt you in order to get what they want and they don't care about you. They see you as someone who is deserving of being taken advantage of. And so you've got to trust your intuition when you make these judgments. So I'm going to teach you a few of the friend's signals, a few of the confident signals that you can use, that you want to look for in others and that you want to use yourself to make sure that people see you not as a victim, not as a predator, but as someone they can trust and respect and work with. So let's get started with some high-competence signals. So when predators are looking for a victim, they look for someone that they can intimidate. Now often, there was a really interesting study that showed criminals in high-maximum security prisons videos of people walking on the streets and the criminals were asked to choose their ideal targets. And one of the things that criminals looked for in order to choose a target was the way people walked. Just the way they walked, walking down the street, no big deal and made a difference. Predators are more likely to look for someone who looks nervous, timid, a little bit scared, uncertain, someone that they can steamroll over. And so if you are the kind of person who likes to hunch down, you sit hunched over, you have bad posture, you walk with your eyes down. This is someone that looks like an easy victim to a predator. So you want to make sure you straighten up, get that chin in the air and spread out with your body. And you can use your limbs, your arms and your legs in order to spread out. Because if you're tucked down like this, this doesn't work for anyone except the predator. So you straighten up, get taller and get wider. So use your arms as you're walking, swing them, take up space. When you're sitting down, use them to claim this space in front of you. Now I'm gonna demonstrate something on my desk that you might see President Trump do, which is a very interesting thing to see. So say for example, I'm sitting down, this is a big meeting full of important people, but I am the most important person. I will find whatever is nearby me and I will push it away. So I'll be like, nope, this is in my spot. Nope, this is in my spot. And I'll like push things out of my way. And what I'm doing here is I'm using them to take up more space. And I'm clearing things out of my personal bubble and I'm establishing the size of my personal bubble. And here's a secret, the more space you have, the more capable, confident, threatening you are. All right, because think of animals. All right, animals in the forest, whoever has the biggest territory has the best chance to find food, find a mate, stay alive. And it's pretty similar with humans. So you wanna make sure you are confidently claiming your space. Keep your feet about shoulder-width apart, stand with confidence, and keep track of your elbows and your accessories. Because as soon as you start to like hunch down and bring things in, now you're just broadcasting a message saying, victimize me. And that's not what we want. That's the last thing we want. So straighten up, keep track of your elbows and try and get them away from your body whenever possible. Because this claiming of space says I'm a winner. I can take care of myself. And if you try to mess with me, it's not gonna go well for you. So that's the first thing. Take up more space, because predators look for losers. And I say that because an interesting study studied Olympic athletes who were winners and losers. And they studied these athletes who were both seeing and blind. And the athletes who won races seeing or blind would spread out and take up more space. But the athletes who lost would hunch over and slump down. So winners take up more space with their body language than losers do. Technically accurate. And predators are looking for losers. So don't look like a loser. Go out of your way to take up more space. So that is one way that you can avoid being a victim to a predator. Look like someone they'll have to work in order to take advantage of. But what about if you're one of those people who maybe are a little taller or a little brawnier or you've got a little grumpier face. And so people are a little scared of you, even though they have no reason to be. Or maybe you're just trying to get into this high confidence, high respect part of the graph so that people do put you in the friend category. So that they immediately wanna work with you. What can you do there? Well, just so you know, by taking up more space you already come across as more competent in this spectrum, so that is one of the easiest things you can do to come across as more of an authority, more of an expert, take up more space. Now what can you do to move up on the likability spectrum? Well, there are these things called friend signals, which we use and we broadcast them to other people to say, hi, I'm not a threat, let's work together. And when you send these signals, it's really important to notice who sends them back. Because say you're talking to someone and they're asking to come into your home and you're like, mm, I'm not sure about you. Send them a few friend signals, see what they do. Because the people who really like you, who really have your best interest at heart, they will send those signals back to you. And if you're, maybe you're walking down an alley and you see someone up ahead, if you send them a friend signal and they don't send it back, that's a little scary. That's not a good thing. So you want to look for people who are sending you friend signals back. Now notice I say sending your signals back because say you're trying to make friends, say you're in a new area, the people around you are probably gonna ignore you unless you send them some sort of reason not to ignore you, right? You want to stand out as being good for them or bad for them because otherwise you are just background noise, you're moving furniture. So one of the ways you can stand out as being good for people is to send them these friend signals. And I'm gonna model a few for you here. So very first, there's the eyebrow flash. The eyebrow flash is done by everybody but most especially by women. And it's a way of saying I see you and I actually like you. So if you meet someone and you want to make a good impression, you want to make them feel special, one of the best ways you can do that is by as soon as you make eye contact, send an eyebrow flash. So let me demonstrate that again. So let's talk about another friend signal that you can use. This one is more typically done by men but again, it can be done by anybody. And it's called the chin nod. Now in the chin nod, what you basically do is just, that's it, that's the chin nod. But you do need to be careful because if you pair the chin nod with like angry eyebrows, then it becomes more of a threat. And so you want to make sure you're pairing it with another friendly signal like a smile. Or an eyebrow flash. That makes it much friendlier and less intimidating. So those are just two friend signals that you can use that you want to send to people as soon as you make eye contact. Because by sending these signals, you're saying I am not a threat, I'm here to help. And that is what people judge you by. When you meet someone, they look at your body language. They look at your outer appearance to find out if you are a friend or a foe. And you are always judging them. And so it's incredibly important that you be aware of how you're judging them. Now let's just take stock. Some of these first impressions, they get refined over time. So for example, when I first met the man who would be my husband, I immediately put him in that ring finger category of oh my gosh, he's new and so cute. I'm gonna keep an eye on him. And well, he immediately saw me and thought I was a lesbian. And so he immediately knocked me out of that category. And so I had to work really, really hard in order to get into this category for him in order to have a happy ending. So if you make a bad first impression, it is possible to get back to where you want to go, but it's so much harder. It is so much easier to just make the right impression at the beginning. But you might not be getting this video before you make an impression. You might be getting this video and thinking wow, I really blew it with my boss. No wonder I didn't get that promotion. Or wow, no wonder that date went so poorly. I guess that's why they didn't call me back. So once you've made an impression, it is very hard to change, but it is possible. And you want to change it by first figuring out where you are. What category do you think you've been sorted into? Where on this graph do you think you're falling when people meet you? And how does that change as people get to know you? Are you the kind of person who comes across as really intimidating, really stiff, really frightening, but on the back end, you're warm and cuddly and friendly? That's an example of dishonesty. That's an example of you not showing the world the truth. So you might be thinking wow, it's really manipulative to use these nonverbal skills in order to change the way people see you, but the truth is, it's not about hiding who you really are. It's about finding who you really are on the inside and finding a way to bring that out. Because I'm sure none of you are axe murderers. None of you are going out there trying to find ways to hurt people. You're good people. You're good people with something to share. And that means there's something on the inside that's not coming across on the outside. And that's the difference we need to make. So the very first step you need to do is figure out how you're coming across, what judgments people are making. And the very easiest way to do this is to actually ask a few friends. Pick at least three people. Hopefully you've met them in the last one or two years, but ask them what they thought of you, and then ask them how that's changed over time. And do them a favor. Ask for something positive and something negative. Something negative so they can actually be honest. And something positive to make you feel about what they said that was negative. Ask for those two things and then ask how they've changed over time. And by figuring out how you're coming across right now, that gives you a really good direction of where you need to go next. Do you need to build up your likability by using more friend signals? Do you need to come across as more competent by taking up more space? You decide. And if you need help, you know where to find me. I'm RB Kelly with Think Tech Hawaii. You're watching Out of the Comfort Zone, and you can find more of me and my work at BodyLanguageBoss.com. See you next week.