 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as they have Jonathan as they outcome I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic This makes them fight for you and not take you for granted Really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms really quickly my coaching is what I call Heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct a little tough love and a lot of heart and occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence so if an f-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea I suggest logging off right now Lastly, these are merely my thoughts my perceptions my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth You have to decide the truth for yourself However, if this resonates with you and sparks your consciousness to look at things a different way then great And if not, that's okay too. All right, let's talk about guys that won't take you for granted. They're gonna fight for you So I want to share something personal this weekend. I went to a wedding for a couple who actually met online Six years ago. They got engaged two years ago And they actually got married last year But there was a repeat ceremony because of COVID and we got to invite more of the family and friends And I was just really honored to be there. Now. This was a little bit younger couple. He's 41. She's 33 so So not really my age demographic What I mean is for those who follow my work know that I'm my area of expertise is midlife Which is after baby making years and before retirement So they're about to have they're working on gonna have a baby and that sort of thing so but something that they said at the Wedding ceremony when they gave the vows just really sparked my What's the word I'm looking for they just it just really I was really impressed but not impressed But just something that caught you know caught my attention is what I mean to say and one of the things that when they were Sharing their vows to one another they literally both said kind of the same things and they said I Feel like I got the better end of the deal I'm gonna repeat that they felt each one of them said they felt like they got the better end of the deal and when I heard that I thought wow, you know not not necessarily to put someone up on a pedestal or necessarily make someone out to be better than you but there was really a sense of Gratitude when they were expressing their vows now. Let's let you know It's their wedding day Everybody's amped up on all the the love and the hype and all that sort of thing We'll see what happens in 10 or 15 years If they still feel the same way one of the things I do know about this relationship is when that they first met They really clicked on all cylinders They shared so much in common with one another that it helped to build the foundation In fact, I think they said their first date lasted six hours, which included a walk Along the ocean and that sort of thing and and I share this because One of the challenges in relationships today because they were a young couple They didn't have a lot of baggage and what I mean to say a lot of relationship experience that caused them to be overly negative in the dating process So they actually were able to date with beginners mind Let me repeat that with beginners mind and the challenge for those of us in midlife and roughly about 75% of singles who are over 45 years old or divorced there could be most likely a contentious past Relationship as well as multiple relationships since the divorce that can cause a lot of people to doubt love to doubt Relationships to be frustrated to be even worse jaded bitter or angry and the reality is that the vast majority of singles Who are looking for love in their 40s 50s and 60s quite frankly are suffering on this inside in some way shape or form feeling not Emotionally not feeling good enough not feeling loved and not feeling likeable. This is one of the challenges when two Emotionally unhealthy people meet or one is emotionally healthy and one is emotionally unhealthy It's going to be a very problematic relationship and when you're in problematic Relationships there really isn't going to be that feeling of I got the better end of the deal kind of thing in fact a lot of rules-based way of dating coaching advice is all centered around creating tension in the Relationship they repeat that setting creating tension in the early stage of relating a dating in fact a lot of female Coaches recommend to women that they should play it cool By keeping your distance and not necessarily leaning into the relationship So you can create tension to make him miss you and when a man misses you He'll be more apt to chase and fight for you. I'm repeat that This is the belief based on things like the book the rules that if a man misses you He'll actually learn he'll want to chase and fight for you now. I'm here to say while that might work temporarily It's triggering an unhealthy Behavior within someone when we use that this notion like a lot of female a lot of coaches are telling women to You know go on vacation with your girlfriends and give him space so he can miss you, right? Well oftentimes when a man misses a woman It's triggering a childhood wound inside of him that says chase her But not from a healthy place and what I want to lean in today is a healthier way to feel like a man Will actually fight for you and and really not take you for granted because the unhealthy way And if you're not familiar with the following two books I highly recommend checking out the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller as well as getting the love You want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt and why this is so hugely important in this book We humans oftentimes choose relationships very similar to one of both of our parents We we choose trauma-based relationships That we feel like we're we're in love But it's actually trying to heal a wound with one or both of our parents and then love attachment style Means we're hooked to another human being based on an insecurity within our cell So a lot of tension-based dating advice is designed to create a temporary Attraction with another human being and it does work. It temporarily does attract you But is that going to be what carries your relationship all the way to the altar like with this couple? What was it about this couple that made them want to say I feel like I got the better end of the deal And that's what I'm going to lean into today And I'm going to share four things that you might want to consider going forward When it comes to your next relationship or maybe the current relationship You're in to shift the narrative because men need this one thing to actually not take you for granted and Not and to the extent that fight for you. It's that you're actually fighting for each other So let me just share let me just say that what I'm about to share goes for both genders Okay, this isn't singular to men. This is this is both for men and women alike So the four things I want to share I'm going to put on my trusty glasses here And you're going to see my notes really quickly bump bump bump bump bump bump is Is the secret is what's known as the four a's the four a's and the first a stands for attention One of the challenges in most Relationships today is humans aren't very present to the relationship in the moment And what I mean to say is well a lot of men act like they're in the moment Are they actually present to your being are they actually present to who you are in the moment? humans oftentimes are either emotionally living in the past or living in the few or focused on the future and Not actually present so what what is highly recommended for couples is that when they're together That they're actually present to one another and I'm not to suggest that look at if you spent a weekend together It's not going to be the 24-7. You're absolutely present, but you're making conscious effort to be present This is why one of the principles I talk about in my private coaching And if you need support on that check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you is in my and one of the things I talk about in my private coaching is the idea of being Intentional in the dating process. Let me repeat that being intentional. Here's the thing ladies I know you've been indoctrinated in the hole that you just sit back and your feminine energy and the men will Just claim you because that really works all the time really you just sit back and he'll claim you What fantasy world do we live on? Yes a small percentage of women have experienced Relationships where they lean back and the guy did claim them, but chances are You know, you're dealing hopefully with two emotionally healthy people that didn't have a lot of baggage in their life And the reality is is midlife and if you're not familiar with the work of Brene Brown I highly recommend you checking out her book the gift of imperfection the gifts of imperfection Brene Brown talks about something called the midlife unraveling the midlife unraveling What that means is all of our childhood wounds begin to to all the armor we created around our Personality which was dictated on our child and wounds and traumas that created negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our life Start to unravel and this creates this massive practical midlife crisis for men and women alike So this notion that all it is is you just sit back and let men lead the relationship And it's just gonna magically work out because magic fairy dust always works out is a crock of shit This is why I'm a big proponent of being intentional and ladies I know you've been indoctrinated that men are supposed to lead the dating process But I'm here to say Given how many searches are for women women search for why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghosts why do men disappear if that's the number one search term in the dating realm? Do you really want to give the job to the wrong candidate? In other words your relationship destiny shouldn't be predicated on him leading? It's all predicated on you being in charge of your relationship destiny This is why I'm gonna be recommending a book in a moment that you must read actually two books You must read to be able to shift so a man won't take you for granted and make and chase you or fight for you And quite frankly, I don't think you should ever fight for someone Unless you've done something wrong. So I'm here to say it's really more about not taking one another for granted Okay, number two. We said attention now affection affection and quite frankly Relationships need physical touch. We need to touch one another and ladies Let me just tell you something talking on the telephone with the guy is not gonna make him want you anymore It might crave you in the moment because yes, we men are physical creatures. We want to fuck your brains out Let's just be real. We want to have sex. This is why when men come on strong in the beginning and you thinking Oh, he means that Listen, I know I was reading a comment the other day a woman said a man must chase me so I can feel worthy I'm gonna repeat that a man must chase me so I can feel worthy That's basically saying I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Folks if chasing makes you feel worthy Then you've got a lot of work you've got to do on yourself And if you haven't read my book what the heck is self-love anyway? I highly recommend getting a copy of my book. It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work So you don't have to need someone to chase you for you to feel worthy So this is why let me go back to the telephone for those of you that are suckling on the nipple of long distance Relationships and talking incessantly on the phone thinking you're bonding with a guy Let me just tell you this men bond through physical touch through physical presence through doing shit together We do not bond through the telephone All right, that's not to say that a long distance relationship can't work That's not what I'm talking about what I'm saying is you're having a belief you're bonding with him through all this Because you're bonding through your ears, but he's not bonding with you. You have to bond through physical touch That's how it happens for men for the most part now Emotionally fucked up guys desperate guys needy guys weak guys They'll talk on the phone till they're blue in their face But these guys are desperate needy and they're you know They're only in it for the short run anyway because they don't know how to actually be in a fucking relationship So be careful, you know, I'm not suggesting that long distance don't work I'm just saying just understand that a lot of men who choose long distance as their preference are Oftentimes needy and desperate. Okay, and they talk on the phone because you're basically their therapist and not Necessarily their life partner and let me repeat that a lot of men will vomit their emotions and feelings On the telephone because you have become their therapist and this is why a lot of men gravitate towards the phone Because they just appreciate your female energy because you're basically Representing what he didn't get from his mother most likely a lot of love from his mother or his past Relationships and that's why guys talk incessantly on the phone and I know a lot I can't see the chat box, but I can guarantee you're you're I'm assuming your thumbs up there Okay, this is the third piece and this is the most important This is what's gonna make a guy fight for you and chase you or not take you for granted and that is appreciation Appreciation and what did I say when a man feels grateful that you're in his life This is the man who's actually going to fight for you This is the man that's not going to take take you for granted when he feels genuine appreciation and the way you get there is Doing things together. It's social activities. It's hobbies. It's mutual interest. It's spending time with family and friends It's intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. This is why I want to turn you on to a new book You're gonna laugh at the title, but I want to share this with you This is why your relationships need oral sex. It needs oral sex In other words talking and listening your way to passionate Intimacy the way you're gonna get to gratitude with one another is through Intimacy it is through into me. You see This is the only chance you have for a real deep relationship where you can actually be vulnerable Authentic and transparent with one another when you can actually open your heart to one another and ladies men have a Difficult time opening their hearts to women. This is why you have to lead by example And if you're not familiar with the book by Barbara D'Angelo is how to make love all the time I want you to go all the way to the back of the book Because this is how to create a living in love the ultimate relationship Living in love the ultimate relationship Folks he will not appreciate you until you've actually Fallen in love together and you have to be careful of the rules-based way of falling in love because it's a temporary temporary temporary Attraction for one another and it's not gonna have the longevity in a relationship and just remember this just because a man Chases you because he wants your pussy doesn't necessarily fucking mean He wants a relationship with you. Yes, men who seek companion who basically seek connection and sex Unconsciously they're not thinking of this consciously But for a lot of men all they're capable of his connection and sex with a little bit of companionship and it's missing the more Fundamental principles. This is why if you're going to by the way ladies before the penis goes inside the vagina I highly recommend buying two copies of the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman Eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman if you want to build a relationship together if you just want to have casual listen Folks, I am totally fine. If a few folks just want to have a casual relationship I'm totally fine with that. My coaching is centered around seeking more permanent partnership-based Relationships and this is why I approach this process a lot different than some of my Contemporaries because you are more than welcome to have casual relationships You're more than welcome to have situations ships. You are more than welcome to have friends with benefits But if you want something more in life, then I'm inviting you to take charge of your relationship destiny and not leave it up to the guy So just remember these four a's. Oh, did I oh did I forgot the last? Oh, I forgot the last day acceptance acceptance okay Attention affection appreciation acceptance. Here's the thing you have to accept each other and sadly There's this old saying men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change Here's the thing Stop hoping the man to be different than who he is stop hoping him to be like you One of the fundamental principles for him to actually appreciate you is for you to accept him for who he is For him for him to actually appreciate you shoot appreciate you It requires being present with one another in other words giving each other attention and lastly that physical Attention with one another that is some of the fundamentals of leading to an appreciated Relationship then the haphazard way most of you doing it and by the way, you're giving the job to men and they're just Winging it winging it winging it stop winging it start taking in charge of your relationship destiny And look I'm your big brother I wish I could be there on a first date with my shotgun and pointed at the guy What's your intentions to make him to be more intentional? I can't be there for you You have to be there for yourself to be intentional if again if you need some support check out the link with To schedule a discovery call with me because I teach you how to become your own matchmaker So you stop avoiding so you can avoid dating the wrong guy and start choosing the right guy All right, that's my spiel for right now. How do you get him to not take you for granted and fight for you? It's going to require him feeling a space of appreciation for you And I've given you some tools to get there now you have to decide if you want to take it on for yourself All right, we're going to jump into Q&A right now Those who know me know my okay those who are listening to the recording or listening to this live There's a live chat box here. Those are listening in recording You won't be able to go into live chat box if you post a post the word question And then the question thereafter It'll be easier for me to find in the live chat or you can purchase a super sticker or super chat Those who know I started a foundation for my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there I'm right up there. It's my son who passed away a few years ago I started a scholarship fund in his name to help defray the cost of personal development for those who are seeking help Also to donate to personal development Charities that I find very valuable So if you purchase a super sticker or super chat and post a question in a super chat I will be very grateful because it goes to scholarship fun. All right, let's get started today Do you have a question? all right If you have if you have a question post the word question It'll be easier for me to write the word question and then post the question there after makes it easier for me to find Looks like we have a bashful group today Alright, someone says All this dating is BS That's certainly and that's one way of looking at it That's certainly people can look at dating as BS. Okay, but ultimately here's the thing You have to date if you want to be in relationship with someone it takes time to get to know another human being It's it's rad. I mean, here's the thing I know many of you have this fantasy that it should just be perfect that it should just be all aligned Well, I learned the heart. All right, so let me share something with you all because I thought Dating was supposed to be very easy in the beginning and I'm sharing this what happened after my divorce. So I went through a divorce 15 years ago is it 16 years ago now and Right then was online dating began So I thought it was going to be really simple that you just simply plug in exactly what you want and someone would magically appear and Sure enough, I'll never forget my first date great woman We had a great date, but something wasn't right and so I went back and plugged in You know exactly what I was looking for and someone else magically appeared and it went out with a really nice woman great date Something wasn't right and I did it again and again and again again Quite frankly, I had over a hundred internet to my first year after my divorce And it took me a hundred dates to realize that the problem wasn't them The problem was me the problem was me and right at that time. I was an emotional train wreck I was going through. I had just lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I just got wiped out in the market crash Of 2008 I had a seven-figure net worth that was wiped out. I Got addicted to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope and Online dating was one of my other methods of coping in fact for a lot of human beings Dating is a coping mechanism to avoid the pain that they were dealing in their life and quite frankly my pain reached a point Where I went to bed wishing I didn't want to wake up And as I say this out loud, I think about my two boys right now And I think I reached a point where I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up in other words I didn't want to deal with the pain. I was struggling with I lost my identity when I lost my job I I was going through a contentious divorce. I had there was a lot of I by the way I I take full responsibility for my behavior. I was a jackass during this time I was very belligerent during this time and yes, I was addicted to the online dating process Because talking to women was my therapy in a way talking to women was my therapy and at the same time though I began Studying right around a year after that year of realizing I was the problem. I began doing some work for myself I watched the movie the secret to get me started. I started to listen to Tony Robbins CDs I began listening to Abraham Hicks and then eventually I started to do therapy to heal the pain I was struggling with and I can tell you there is a Significant percentage of men who are struggling on the inside and when I say a significant percentage of men Men and women alike are hurting on the inside and all of these and hurt people hurt others I'm repeat that hurt people hurt others and I was hurting deeply And I share this with you because I had I was in the dark tunnel of midlife crisis I was in the dark tunnel of literally all the shadow and can imagine Listen, it's hard enough for me to deal with the fact that I lost my son and for those who know me No, I lost my son could you imagine I wanted to die and I was going to abandon my children and a lot of men Experienced this in fact a significant number of men feel like Suicide is there is their retirement plan? There is a significant number of and a lot of women would say well I don't want to be with a man who doesn't have the balls to be masculine I don't want to be with a man who doesn't have the balls to take care of his children Folks human suffering is not something an individual chooses in their life Most individuals don't choose to suffer on the inside It might seem that way and yes, some people are addicted and suckling on the nipple of victimhood We are we are a country here in the United States where we suckle on the nipple of victimhood and quite frankly women are equal Contribute contributors in that category as much men are silent to this Women are actually vocal to their victim. They're suckling on victim consciousness So I'm here to say we have a choice We can be a lot more compassionate to one another instead of the fucking divide we have and again here in the United States We are dealing with such a divide of human beings. It's a wonder two people can date anyway So coming back to dating is BS Yeah, it's because human beings are fucked up. It's not the dating process It's because human beings are rather childlike. This is why I Continually recommend this book how to be an adult in relationship because when two adults meet one another They have the greatest chance for success and a lot of people think they're an adult in relationship when they're quite frankly Or just as wounded and hurting and they are doing pseudo work Believing that they're actually healing I know a lot of people that their mask is their belief that they're healed when they're just still riddled with their problems so Yeah, dating is a clusterfuck. I'm not going to deny that but what's most important is not the dating process It's the individual process of coming back to my book Loving on oneself loving on oneself because it doesn't matter if here's the thing the dating process can be shitty But when you love yourself, it doesn't matter It doesn't matter because it's the journey that matters most and I invite you all to go on a journey to explore who you are and Who you want to be in your life instead of Suckling on the nipple of I need someone to love me so I can feel good about myself And that's why a lot of people date and yes They some people just strictly seek companionship connection and sex and have no intention or not being intentional in the process I get that but guess what you can't control other people But you can control or at least you can navigate your own life and that's my invitation for you So thank you so much for sharing that Alright, let's keep going. Do we have any questions? Cheryl says Jonathan is on a roll in rants. Exactly Riva says Love it heart-centered radical honesty Yvonne says facts Jonathan compassion exactly Balls testicular fortitude, that's funny All right, does anyone have a question? Oh, there we go Patricia has a question Okay question Do you think once a cheater always a cheater? Thank you stay salty by the way I have I have a son in heaven this month is the 22nd anniversary of his death Oh my car goes out to you Patricia, you know interestingly enough. I spoke to a woman today who lost her son Gosh about nine ten months ago and her son's name is Connor In fact interestingly enough When my son Connor passed away, I had another friend whose son named Connor passed away So I'm almost inviting people not to name their children Connor. I am truly sorry about what you've experienced So coming back to once a cheater always a cheater. I Do not subscribe that once a cheater always a cheater just like I don't subscribe if you've lied once you're a liar If you if you've broken the law once does that make you a criminal? I don't believe I don't subscribe to that folks. I have said white lies in my life I think I've actually lied in my life. Does that make me a liar? No, I have lied Have I have I broken the speed limit and broken the law? Yes. Does that make me a criminal? I Maybe I don't know Here's the thing about cheating it takes two to tango and what I mean to say is unless someone has a sex addiction Most of the time people cheat Because there's a lack of intimacy in the relationship There's a lack of oral sex in the relationship and what I mean is talking and listening your way to a passionate relationship So there's usually a breakdown in intimacy that causes someone to seek Intimacy elsewhere because it's oftentimes not the act of intercourse It's the act of connecting with another human being and most couples that have taken each other for granted or lack Erotic connection That's where people cheat and men and women alike cheat, you know by the way I've heard now women cheat more than men now. I'm not saying that's true I heard that from someone recently that recited a statistic, but I highly recommend checking out the work of Esther Perrell she wrote the book called mating in captivity mating in captivity And why I recommend this book is she talks about erotic connection and one of the challenges in most Relationships today as they've lost that erotic connection with one another and erotic is more about The sensuality of the mind as well as the body. Yes, there are people that are sex addict that cheat But most the time when someone is unfaithful, it's because there's something lacking in the relationship Now if they pick another relationship and they're in the same boat, yes It could happen again, but if that intimacy is filled for both of them, then I don't believe it has to happen again So once a cheater always a cheater Well, I guess if once a liar always a liar that basically means every politician is a liar every human being's a liar Every doctor is a liar every policeman's a liar. I don't care what you say If we're gonna base things on that then everybody is a cheater and a liar and a criminal Okay, so that's my take on that. Thank you so much for that question. Patricia. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much All right Gina says hugs Thank you Teresa says Jonathan. I'm single. I'm listening handsome Although I'm gonna watch the replay you came in and visited me in my dreams. Well, thank you. I appreciate that Bertha says question I waited for a call. We responded to you Bertha So we my assistant did respond to you both in two emails. All right question He gives you small jewelry and says keep it on your wrist as a reminder if someone approaches you Let them know your sweetheart gave this to you. Does that indicate he has a commitment? Well, that's certainly an ending That's a great question so it's certainly a Demonstration of affection when we give someone a gift. We're demonstrating affection. Here's the thing Don't create greater meaning at it in other words. Listen folks Think about everybody who's ever said I love you to each other that went through a divorce Everybody went to wedding vows Said the words I loved you and got divorced the words. I love you. Do not mean forever Okay, just like giving a gift a bracelet does not mean I'm going to be with you forever Even a wedding ring doesn't mean I'm going to be with you forever It's it's a hopefully an indication of some level of commitment But there are no fucking guarantees in life. Think about it if fifty percent of marriage is in divorce and and if sixty five and Seventy percent of second and third marriage is in the divorce and these are all people that said the words I love you and gave gifts to one another that is no indication of relationship success It merely is a gift of generosity and expressing affection. Here's the problem You know and by the way, I'm going to be judgmental here for you ladies You women oftentimes create such meaning out of the littlest things oftentimes Crucifying yourself in the process But you oftentimes take the littlest gesture of man and make it so grandiose that it means like it's as if it means He's committed for life By the way, women do this to men too This isn't singular but for the most part because I'm a coach for women I witness you literally hang on every word as if it's a commitment forever Folks, let me just tell you something Nothing is guaranteed and I'm speaking as a person who lost a child I thought on July 3rd when I woke up in them I thought on July 3rd when I woke up that morning that I'd get to see my son again and I didn't Life is not guaranteed There's so this is why being absolutely present and appreciative of every moment has a lot more Value than creating meaning for something in the future because nothing is guaranteed I have a friend of mine at my high school girlfriend that I found out her husband passed away You know, if you know, we can't control what happens in the future what we can do is be present appreciative Accepting and hopefully affectionate with your partner like I shared in the beginning of this broadcast So I wouldn't create greater meaning at it other than it's a nice gesture and and isn't that nice And yeah, it could mean if you get more and more and more you might build a relationship together Maybe maybe you might want to co-create a relationship together These are some of the things I invite you to talk about with your partner, but thank you for that question I really appreciate it. Thanks so much FF Alright Alright, let's see Someone said oops first first off. Let me come back here for you Jonathan hold on my friend. Thank you Janet says agree. Nothing is guaranteed. I have my first son in heaven to exactly Coming back to let's see Kelly says Cheating is a choice don't overthink it forgive them, but you don't have to take them back people can change but a person doesn't Okay, so another good point about this Might here hold on everybody. I hope do I have the book do I have the book here? Oh darn it hold on everyone Hold on hold on hold on hold on where is it? Where is it? All right, so here's a book coming back to the cheating question Not that I want to spend all time cheating, but I did post a question earlier So my ex-girlfriend wrote a book called chatting or cheating by the way, there's a picture of sherry By the way, I ran into her at the wedding that I went at this past weekend got to break bread with her and her Partner she's been in a relationship with a great guy for last four years But she wrote a book called chatting or cheating and what it says is how to detect infidelity Rebellion love and a fair proof your relationship I'm gonna tell you something the last half of this book is a brilliant blueprint a brilliant blueprint For creating a relationship that you can become a fair proof and I highly recommend checking out sherry's book By the way in the description. There's a link to Jonathan recommends books so you can get a copy of sherry's book This is a great book to understand what causes infidelity What are some of the signs and how to avoid it? And like she says a fair proof your relationship and by the way since most of you will ask we end it our relationship Went as far as it could because we weren't really a great match from a long term We were there to heal one another we did I don't think we consciously went into this But the gratitude we express for one another these days is because we really needed healing and Folks a lot of your relationships that you've had in your life are opportunities for you to heal to heal That's what relationships do. They're great opportunities to heal It doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna go the distance with them So I'm here to say that even though I was in a relationship that I'm very grateful for it We weren't meant to go the long term But we sure had a great ride and we have now we treat each other like family not friends We treat each other like family and I'm literally friends with her partner and we're gonna play golf together actually really soon So anyway, I just wanted to share that. Thank you so much All right Margaret says thank you for being you listen to you as much as I can good solid advice. Thank you Uh Sherry wrote question at 616. I don't know what that means, but thank you By the way, folks if you have a question purchase a super sticker or super chat and then post the question there Or write the word question and post the question thereafter. For example, Judy says Jonathan What's your attack? What attachment style were you great question? So coming back to the book attached by a mere Levina Rachel header folks I have my default attachment style is an anxious attachment style I have a propensity to get rather needy when I'm with an emotional avoidant I'm gonna repeat that I get rather needy when I'm an emotional avoidant. So why did this happen to me? Okay, there's a picture of my mom and dad my mom and dad were married 66 years before my mom passed away and One of the things my mom beautiful woman on so many levels But she was a borderline narcissistic system I think she must have been a Leo even though she was a Pisces because the world revolved around her Borderline narcissists and what I mean to say there was an element of look at me kind of with my mom At the same time a loving human being who had great empathy and compassion as well But I don't think she's ever apologized for anything Anyway, coming back to my mom my mom whenever there was a fight with my dad a fight with one of my siblings My mother would emotionally abandon us. I'm going to repeat that my mother would emotionally abandon us For approximately 72 hours literally she would stonewall us and if you're not familiar coming back to the work of Harbin or excuse me. John Gottman and uh, Julie Gottman Is what they talk about the four horsemen of the apocalypse one of which is stonewalling My mother would abandon us children and my father emotionally for 72 hours as a little kid Who's like mom, please love me mom. Please love me mom. Please love me I was crying literally from the you know, my crib basically all the way to my teens Wanting to be loved when my mom emotionally abandoned me And so I tended to choose women who would do the same. Oh my god I just became a magnet for uh avoidant women I was a magnet for emotionally unavailable women I mean I was just or women who would stonewall and emotionally abandoned me Well through a lot of work a lot of healing and Learning that no matter what I would be okay I had to learn that when my partner would abandon me emotionally I had to learn that i'm going to be okay Even if the relationship ends i'm going to be okay And by experiencing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again I was finally to recognize That i'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay I can thrive I can thrive because I am okay Took me a long time to learn that and now I think I'm much closer to being a secure attachment style I do however believe that most people have a default Now I will tell you when I'm with an anxious woman I can become avoidant because if a woman is too listen Folks know me know I believe in the two lane street So when a woman is expecting too much from me or being too needy or being too demanding I pull away Doesn't mean I abandon the relationship. I just pull away now if it's too incessant and it's the behavior is very erratic And very uh volatile Fuck that shit. I won't put up with women like that women who have trust issues women who have abandonment issues Women who are avoid I don't put up with that shit anymore. At least I don't think I do We'll see what happens when I meet my next life partner But from going back to the original question. Yes I I I my default is an anxious Attachment style and it took a lot of repetitiveness to learn I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay I'm going to be okay and it took a lot of this folks It took a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of self love To get to where I'm at today and folks. Let me just say this. I know a lot of you put me up on a pedestal I'm fucked up. I've got issues. I I have tons of issues I'm aware of them. I own them when someone brings it to my attention But believe me have I stuck my foot my mouth with women? Absolutely. Do I you know? Do I make mistakes in the dating process? Absolutely I'd like to think for the most part. I am Transparent so and and sadly part of the reason why I'm still single is because most of you are suckling You women are suckling on the need for the rules and homie don't play that game This homie don't play that game You know the the book that if the woman wants to date me then she better read the book If the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated because this is about learning relationships in a spiritual Context and not the bullshit Man will claim you if you just sit in your feminine energy Folks and let me just say this about feminine energy. I am all in favor for every woman to be in her empowered Sovereign self loving energy. I want you to rock and roll your empowered sovereign self loving energy I just want you to be careful of the lean back method Because when you lean back, he's going to lean he'll temporarily chase you and then you're fucked later on down the road And I don't mean intercourse I mean you're jonesing because he disappeared on you because you played the game of leaning back I want everybody to lean into Learning healthier ways to date mate. Really. I want everyone to lean into this book before the penis goes in the vagina All right, you know me I like to rant so thank you so much for that question. I took that in a lot of different ways So thank you so much Ah Jennifer says we all have issues be self aware Kelly said oh where did that go Kelly said we consciously attract our parents until we heal exactly Renee says self love Jennifer says men with mommy issues and still mad at x. I run away. Yes. I run away with women with daddy issues And they're still hung up on their x Elaine says do not choose someone like your mom and dad. I agree All right, does anyone by the way if I've been providing value, please purchase a super stick or super chat I want to give some money away. I want to give money to charity So the more by the way, we're up to $1,800 in the fund. So help me, you know, get that out there for you Um, Anya says sherry post your question again, that would be helpful All right Let's see. Let's go swimming sherry if you want me to read your question then post it because I can't find it Oh, hey, I am right. Is there any truth to a woman? To a woman cheats to leave her marriage and a man cheats to stay in his marriage I've never heard that before. I'm gonna have to think about that one, but I think cheating is merely a cry for help I really do. I think people at cheat are thirsty for true intimacy Folks coming back to this book oral sex. You know what humans are craving is true intimacy And sadly, most people don't know how to get there because they don't know how to be An adult in a relationship how to be an adult in relationship because they don't know how to communicate with one another And this is why I recommend reading the book nonviolent communication by marshal rozenberg nonviolent communication by marshal rozenberg folks People are suffering on the inside and they don't know how to express themselves. It doesn't make them bad people It just makes them human. This is why I recommend all these books You know, it's because for really for 150 bucks You can learn so much in one year that it'll transform your life if you do the work And I invite you to do the work and then invite the man you're with to do the work And have radical honest questions instead of this playing games kind of thing, you know, and I say playing games Look at a lot of I I really do judge a lot of my contemporaries That teach women what I call princess energy princess energy this fantasy that men will just naturally claim you If you play by the rules if you play the by the rules a man will claim you Here's the thing folks in midlife You're dealing with a demographic of human beings men and women alike who are emotionally stunted or fucked up So i'm here to say you can help shift that narrative by being a co-creator in a relationship Rather than leaning back and expecting men to leave. It's yes for a small percentage of you It's going to work in the future and for a small percentage of people that worked in the past But just like the couple I talked about at the beginning of this This live stream look it When you don't have a lot of baggage, it's a lot easier when you're riddled with baggage It requires a tremendous amount of compassion For the process and first of all compassion for yourself and then compassion for humanity This is why I highly recommend reading Marianne Williamson's book return to love return to love This is folks you ladies talk about how loving you are But you're not operating from a place of love you're operating from a place of expectations Not all of you a lot of you And a lot of you are operating from a place of woundedness This is why I highly recommend reading the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a 50 hour deep dive into healing childhood wounds and trauma So you don't have to keep choosing the wrong people over and over again And expecting different results All right, thank you so much for that one am I appreciate it. Um All right, do we have any questions? Um, if someone ever sees oh here's sherry's question What did you have in mind when you use the title? He will fight for you. All right, fair enough. So I'm gonna be candid with everyone. I saw that as a title on someone else's video that happened to get a lot of traction And what I think about but what and so the way people think of it is someone is going to make effort in the relationship To fight for the relationship I come back to what I said in the beginning of the of this of this live stream And I say that When you feel like you get the better end of the deal You're going to continually make effort and what I mean by fight is you're going to continually be making effort in the relationship To co-create something together to co-create something together If you're not familiar with the work of gary zoocoff He wrote the book the seed of the soul right there the seed of the soul Where is it the seed of the soul? But he wrote this book called spiritual partnership spiritual partnership I highly recommend checking out this book as well Because i'm a big believer of two people co-creating a relationship together. That's how you the fight is merely the the effort Of investment I'm gonna repeat that the fight is the effort of investment Now is that the accurate word? No, listen folks. I'll be blunt I it's a clickbait to get you to click on this video now My hope is I provided value here. Please if I provided value, please give me an amen Please tell me that or purchase a super stick or a super chat But it's it's not about the title. It's really more about I mean, I appreciate the question, but I'm all here to say it's about effort mutual effort Mutual effort mutual effort mutual effort. That's how you fight for one another and not take each other for granted through Appreciation can I get an amen? all right, thank you Jennifer asked is it possible to do too much self-help does it limit the dating pool? um Actually, I posted a meme here bear with me everyone. I posted a meme in my instagram And the meme says this everybody It says well, I'll read it. You're not alone. I'm just taking you to the next level and some people won't go with you Do you see that you're not alone Why I posted that is when you're on a journey of self-love You don't put up with the bullshit. You don't Listen, especially when you lose a child. You don't put up with bullshit You don't have time to fuck around and you don't have the patience to be with people who don't have an interest in being intentional Being vulnerable being authentic to being transparent To being to exploring intimacy for me. Anyway, I think this is just my interpretation of this question The more I love myself the more I know I desire intimacy and I'll be candid with you folks And I'm going to talk about here. I'm going to share something with you I've dated I've gone on a number of dates since covet happened Now I happen to be a very inquisitive person who listens. Let me repeat that. I'm an inquisitive person that listens It's kind of occupational hazard. Do you know how many women I've gone on dates with that spend almost virtually no time asking me questions And actually wanting to get to know me They're so hyper focused on themselves that they either talk about themselves incessantly Or they don't understand the true dynamic of an exchange conversation So, yes, the more work I've done the more aware I am the more I notice that most humans are rather fucking unconscious And quite frankly most humans are rather selfish Folks, I know how many of you post comments about narcissists. Narcissists. Narcissists. Let me tell you something Garden variety selfishness is not narcissism And quite frankly every human being can be rather selfish Okay, myself included I can be selfish. I'm not going to deny that But I make an effort a conscious effort in the dating process to be present to be intentional And so this is where a lot of you are lacking in this a lot of you women who are watching this you're lacking this Because you're so caught up in the rules based way of dating Instead of the heart centered way of dating and I come back to the book if the Buddha dated this will change your life Because it stops with the fucking narrative of the penis is supposed to do this and the vagina is supposed to do that Let's throw out all the bullshit and start connecting with each other at a heart centered level of wanting to get to know one another Now folks, I know you're you know, it's a uphill battle But you know what? Here's the thing love is a risk And it's the best game in town at least my that's my invitation for you. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it All right Amen to the clickbaiter Jonathan. Thank you Um taking each other for granted is a relationship killer exact exactly I don't know how to pronounce your name, but it says amen Jonathan great to listen to you again Thank you so much a heart from leon. I appreciate that Sherry says fight for one another. Yes. Amen. Nova says amen. Thank you so much another amen and another amen All right, I think I got my point across all right Uh elaine says according to psychologists We all got stuck in oral anal and prolific stages of development as a child Oh, I love that. Thank you so much all right Let's see I suggest you all who want to ask questions to type your question But only hit the enter when Jonathan is done with his rant. Good point because it's hard for me to find these Um question Why do I just want a friends with benefits? I'm in midlife and don't want no strings. Oh, I love this question All right, this is a great question. Oh, I love this. I love this. I love this because here's the thing I suspect the reason why you want a friends with benefits relationship or a situation with or maybe a casual relationship is because You desire connection and sex without the pressure of intimacy I'm gonna repeat that you were you desire the connection the companionship and the sex without the Expectation or the pressure of intimacy Here's the thing folks a significant number of people in midlife and I'm talking about a big big big big big number Are only capable of casual situation sips or friends with benefits and this is men and women alike and quite frankly All right, does anyone remember the movie tootsie? So you want to remember the movie tootsie? This is where there's a scene where jessica Lang I think it was jessica lang was talking to dustin hoffman as a woman And she basically said you know what I'd really like if a man was just honest with me and said look I think you're gorgeous. I'd like to fuck you tonight I mean she said that to another woman or what she perceived was another woman and by the way I'm paraphrasing because that's not exactly what she said So she was being honest with them So then dustin hoffman as a man said the exact words and she got offended by him The point is is he was being radically honest based on what she said she wanted and that still wasn't good enough Folks, it's time to become radically honest with one another. It's time to stop We don't have time to fuck around at midlife I'm a you know Does anyone remember the movie Shawshank Redemption? Get busy living or get busy dying. We don't have time to fuck around Be authentic and transparent and radically honest from the get-go And you have a greater chance of having something that has a chance to Listen, you have a greater chance of weeding out the bullshit a lot sooner if you're radically honest with one another I'm currently flirting with a woman. It's like amazing. We're totally radically honest with one another and it's a blast Now I happen to be grown up enough to handle this and she's grown up enough to handle this And who knows where it's going to go? But we'll see but my point is is we're starting with radical honesty That's where we should begin with how did I start my live stream by saying heart centered radical honesty direct A little tough love and a lot of heart and that's what I want to invite everyone to do All right, we got time for a few more questions before we wrap up Please again, if I'm providing value, please purchase a super sticker or super chat. I'd be so grateful Yvonne says yes, and you just answered all questions just as authentic. Thank you Leigh our nova says my favorite quote from Shawshank Redemption exactly Hilarious awesome movie. Thank you. Oh, I think she's talking about tutsi Sadie says ain't that the truth? Um kelly says plan a date you both be happy at the end of the night ain't that the truth We're working on it Jennifer says tootsie great movie. All right question How do you get okay questions? How do you get to deal with a man who barely shows interest in having progressive conversations about your relationship? Each time you raise up such a discussion Okay Here's the thing. I'm a big proponent of being on the same page with one another so It starts with first off purchase this book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman. Let me tell you why When you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship You can better guide the relationship. So folks i'm here to say listen I know most of you have been told jonathan dating is about having a good time have a good time You know just focus on having a good time. You know what it's all about having a good time, you know Folks Let's stop fucking around. Let's be intentional with one another look You can tell a guy look I don't know if I want to go the distance with you and I don't know if you want to go the distance with me But if we're going to spend time together Exploring a relationship and if you want your fucking penis in my vagina Then I want us to be intentional with one another which includes intimate conversation If you're not capable of going there with me Then that ain't my game now. Do you have to start off this way? No Only do that with someone where you're not connecting with them But then again, do you want to be with someone you're not connecting with? I'm here to encourage deeper communication with one another read this book nonviolent communication by marshal rosenberg And that might help you in framing what you might want to say to this person To shift the narrative because the likelihood is if he's not capable of going deep Do you really want to be with him or do you want a companion? Do you want a friends with benefits situation shift or casual relationship? Listen folks, you can do whatever you like I'm just inviting you to maybe try some different things and I hope it works for you All right, folks, you know what? This is a great place to wrap up today. Have I provided value? Please let me know Um, amen says am says dump him Janet says bingo jonathan. Thank you. That's exactly how I feel exactly Um Margaret says every relationship is a work of art. There is no me. It's just us. It's mutual respect It can be a long journey, but you can get there a great way to travel exactly Um, all right folks Again last chance to purchase a super stick or super chat Um, I want to thank you. Let's see if there's any question. How do you let's see am says How do you drop a person that is way more into relationship than you are? You just simply say I don't feel comfortable seeing you anymore. Bye. Bye. I mean folks by the way How hard by the way, you simply say I really appreciated the time we spent together But I don't feel like I want to continue this relationship anymore And I'm not going to give you a reason because I don't need to give you a reason I'm just moving on and I wish you all the best on your journey folks. Stop making it more complicated. Keep it simple stupid Thank you. Goodbye and be well. That's all you guys say. Thank you. Goodbye. Be well. That's it Don't make it more complicated And as far as hurting someone am Okay, folks folks. I want everyone to hear this Unless you have to unless the person has to call a doctor or a policeman or an attorney You can't hurt someone. Okay, you can't hurt someone unless you You cannot hurt someone they can only feel offended That that's on them. That's on you. And by the way, a lot of you women are suckling on the nipple It does. I've been hurt by guys who broke up with me Stop this fucking bullshit unless you have to call a doctor an attorney or policeman. You didn't get hurt You just had an experience that didn't work out Let me repeat that you had an experience that didn't work out There's some there's a learning lesson there Focus on the learning and the gift that came out of it instead of That i've been so hurt because a lot of you are suckling on the The nipple of victim consciousness. You cannot hurt another human being unless you punch them in the face Okay, yes, your words can hurt but guess what you could tell you can set boundaries to folks human beings can set boundaries Okay, you can set boundaries to avoid getting hurt But if you've been if you if you drop your boundaries, that's on you. It's not on them So anyways, that's my rant on that Come back to center. All right folks. I think this will be a great place to wrap up for today Um, I that could be true Todd says you definitely are fired up tonight. Thank you so much Uh is ghosting uncool. Yeah, it's uncool. But so what so what it's uncool. Let's not make a big deal out of it By the way, true ghosting is when you've been in a three-year relationship and then you completely disappear But when dating someone for a few weeks and disappearing, that's called life folks. That's called life. Okay All right, i'm gonna wrap up this uh live stream as I always do for by the way If you found value, please purchase a super sticker super chat before I wrap up If you need some support check out the link below to a free discovery call You might want to check out my group called midlife love mastery You can check out the links to all the books or you can get my free gift there And please share this video with friends and i'm gonna wrap up today as I always do first off Give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love If that's okay, I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give itter them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye Bye elaine. Bye kelly. Bye erica. Bye todd. Bye. I am Bye nova When I say bye have a great day leaf Yvonne just to name a few margaret. Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate you