 Hi my name is Deborah. This is my home church. Thank you. I'm a little nervous of course. I've given my testimony several times but not here. This is gonna be special and different. So forgive me I'm gonna cry a bunch of times. Usually I'm pretty... yeah it is what yeah. You know what I wish I could have taught on this subject because this verse is awesome. I love it. But the Lord has called me to do something different today ladies. I'm here to give my testimony and to give some of you women and hear some hope. I see the pain in a few of the faces that I've met today and it's gonna be good. If you are taking notes I'd like you guys to write this verse down please. It's 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 15. But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you with meekness and with fear. Connie when she first asked me to give my testimony I was like no. But then I did agree because I've got to keep remembering that this has nothing to do with me. This has to do with you and the Holy Spirit. Father of God please bow your your hearts and your heads with me ladies please. My heavenly Father thank you. Thank you for this time. Thank you for the privilege that I that it is that I get to stand up here Father. May every word that I speak only edify you Father. Rid me of myself right now empty me and let the Holy Spirit speak. Father you know this anxiety that I have it isn't it isn't from you. I ask you to bind the enemy in Jesus name please and may these women hear you. Set captive free. I want to thank you Father in advance for what you're going to do in this room. And may every bit of glory go to you. And finally Father please whatever things are true whatever things are noble whatever is just lovely pure praiseworthy Father let us meditate on these things and it is in your holy precious name Father I pray. Okay okay like one of my leaders from B.S.F. put your seatbelts on I'm going to read really fast. So if you could yeah I was born April 18th 1973 in Doctors Hospital in Upland and I'm 45 years old. I grew up in a town called Los Aranos for those of you who have never heard of it is now called Chino Hills. I'm the sixth of 10 children my mother had eight and my father went on to another marriage in the early eighties to have two more children. Our family in the sixties and seventies had a lot of wealth. My dad had his own construction company and we had a lot of money in those days. We all went to private parochial schools at St. Margaret's here in Chino. My mother happened to be the first graduating class of St. Margaret's in the fifties. My grandparents on my mother's side moved to Chino in the forties. My grandfather who worked for General Electric for years invested well. Passed away a very wealthy man. Very modest by my parents. My mother's parents excuse me. My dad's parents were not so fortunate. My dad was born in Juvenile Hall. He lived a very hard life. I don't know anything about my grandfather on my dad's side. My father began to drink heavily in the marriage to my mother. They divorced when the youngest of my siblings which her name is Amy was six months old. I remember selling golf balls at a golf course the stones throw away from our house called Los Aranos Country Club. That was between the ages of seven and ten. I grew up very hungry very cold. We didn't have heating in our house air conditioning. Yeah right. There was a lot of dysfunction yet I knew how much my mother loved me. We had a lot of love in our house and my mother did the best that she could with eight children and because of the awful addiction my father was under we had to fend for ourselves. We still went to those private schools however my grandparents kept paying our tuition as well as giving my mother probably thousands of dollars over those years for this house. There were no windows. We didn't have any door. Well we did have a front door. I remember we had the front door but there were no doors anywhere else in the house. There were times when I hadn't bathed for days. I smelled bad. My hair was a rat's nest. I was the smelly kid and in school. I one time wore two different shoes. I'll never forget that there were two sizes too big. I was made fun of as you could well imagine and felt shame. I received my first Holy Communion May 3rd 1980 and was terrified of God. To me at the time God was big, holy and unapproachable. I remember making walking up in the line for Holy Communion to talk to the priest and I was so scared and nervous it was awful. I didn't belong there. Nobody liked me and I didn't even think God liked me. Not having any attention from my earthly father I never even knew him and my mom was going to college to be a nurse to support her family. She was trying very hard. I remember she was my only encouragement. She used to whisper in my ear you know you're my favorite and I wonder if she told the other ones that when I didn't even know them. They were jealous of me so I remember her love and at the time she unfortunately came to having just one drink to relax then another and then another. The house became a complete shamble. The cops came by one day and I literally walked out of a window to greet him. The cop looked around was like where are your parents? I'm like I don't have a dad and I don't know where my mom is right now. Shortly after that CPS came it took us from my mother James me Joseph and Amy the four youngest went. I don't remember what age I was I just remember thinking I had another enemy. The first one was God then my dad and now these guys in uniforms who took me from the only nursery we had and then I found anger. We did eventually get back with my mom. My other four above siblings that were older they all did drugs and drank. They all married off and went around Paul the oldest son. He quit going to school in seventh grade and joined a carnival to help my mother raise us. It was the same carnival that came to St. Margaret's every year. We all ended up joining the carnival to make money. Yes I was even a carny. Even my mom did. Her nursing she did she did get her nursing degree yet juggling her alcohol addiction and working at the hospital was too tough for her. Carnival was only on the weekends and we made a lot of money on the carnival. Eventually my brothers that was a little bit ahead but my brothers Joseph and James were kicked out of St. Margaret's for fighting all the time. Amy youngest she couldn't handle it. I made it to the eighth grade I went to Chino High. I was really smart however even I began to drink the first time I do not remember the first time that I drank. It was with my mother at parties after the bar used to come to our house. As the years went by I really took to the Mexican community. I fell in love with the Mexicans. I love the culture. I love the food the language the family unit. Do not get it twisted. I love my Irish heritage. I just grew up around the Mexicans and fell in love with that culture. Now I'm a Mexican. I'm just kidding. Okay I worked and I went to school. I've always been a really hard worker still am today. Yet I continue to drink. I met a man named Chris Jasmine's dad. The only white boy I ever dated. We had a daughter whose name is Jasmine Jasmine you can stand. I'm just kidding. She is here today after Chris met my parents. He got scared. But then of course I didn't do what you're supposed to do and meet let people meet your family first. I just you know that's just how I was. I didn't think anything of it. My crazy family. He met him and he was like I'm out of here. He kept his relationship with his daughter. It still does today. Fast forward by now Los Ramos became a city in 1991. Chino Hills was born around eight years later in 99. My daughter had been already you know became I became not only addicted to alcohol ladies but I began to use drugs. My anger had become so violent and my addiction that the state had to begin to manage my life in and out of jail rehabs and institutions for drugs. Assaults DUI's weapons charges and amongst other things. At these times my mom and my sisters would take care of my daughter as well as Jasmine's dad. He got clean. I was fighting hanging with gangs and I was very feared at the time. One of my sentences was 18 months and I knew I was going to go in for a minute. I ended up only doing a year though and I got a good job in there. I always work on the hard worker constantly one day my celly through an envelope on my bunk. She said sailors I know you don't write hookups but you'll like this one and I was like no I'm not here to make friends I don't even like you just leave me be I'm gonna do my time and I'm gonna go home. See the whole time I wanted to think you make people think I was a hardcore person and I really was and I became a marshmallow later on but at the time I was pretty bad. I was screaming for love. I was sitting there tired of work. I've worked in the laundry, the infirmary, I was a chow server and as I was looking I picked up that envelope and it said Arnolfo Gonzalez. I was like all right this guy's Mexican I'll take a look at this one. I was hooked on this man. His name was Arnolfo but we call him Junior. I began a relationship over paper and actually fell in love with someone who I had never met. As my time went on I was getting out and my out date was coming and I was terrified. I had kept myself so busy working 13 hour shifts in the jail that time flew and I had begun to help the cops even on Sundays when they had church to call on inmates when needed and I slowly began to read the word. I remember thinking dang what am I gonna do I'm getting out man I'm sober in here. Should I beat someone up or hit one of the cops? I know that sounds crazy but being institutionalized for a bit makes you think of these crazy things and I remember thinking I was gonna do that to stay. I was like all right God what am I gonna do help me? I asked for help for the first time. It was May 10 2009 it happened to be Mother's Day. I was sitting there and I looked down at the Bible and I looked up again I said God if you're real I need you to help me and forgive me help me I don't know how to do anything. All of a sudden you guys I felt a warm tingling sensation on my body. I looked down again and I seen myself sitting down there's the little bed you get a little chair you get a little toilet and you get an area and I seen myself and I was looking down I was reading and I was like what's going on it's really hard to explain I was really it was really bright I was tripping at first I mean I'm sober you know this is an hallucination and then all of a sudden there was a peace a calm peace a calm peace that I had never felt before came over me I kind of sat back down like in my body and there was a scripture that said but sanctify the Lord God in your hearts and always be ready to give defense to anyone who asks you for the reason for the hope and that is in you with meekness and fear and that was it I knew why I was I knew why I was there not only that I knew what I needed to do now I didn't have to suffer anymore no more shame no more fear of man I didn't have to use drugs I could forgive the people who hurt me I have been beaten I have been kidnapped before chased down by murderers and I made it oh man why I was alive and it was to give messages to other people who are suffering one psychologist told me to rehab I was at that you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and I was like I haven't been to war but God said yes you have there's been a war for your soul I don't have to sin thank you Tina I was like I mean I don't have to sin anymore I don't have to get loaded no we don't therefore it says dear brothers and sisters you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature your your flesh urges you to do that's Paul I love Paul 10 Romans 8 he's my favorite apostle but how God how am I going to forgive myself for what I've done for beating people up abusing my body with alcohol and drugs I even put needles in my arms how how am I gonna forgive myself I guess what ladies you can't you don't have the authority to forgive yourself only Jesus Christ has the authority we can let our past go and I have done that today I got out I started first going to our meetings of narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous and it worked but it only worked for a little bit don't get it twisted by the way there are this is my experience there are many women in those programs that stay sober my sister Shelly she's in a program 30 years clean and sober but when you have the option of a tennis you being your higher power that's not gonna work for long my sister's higher power is Jesus Christ she is saved today when I told I had a disease I found out when I came here that no I do not have a disease I have an addiction that you can be delivered from ladies it is not a disease I'm not a PhD I'm not a doctor I don't know anything yet I stand firm in the name of Jesus Christ and his word that says in 2nd Corinthians therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation and old things have passed away all things have become new and I am a new woman today I also didn't like the fact that cussing was okay in those meetings it was acceptable having sex with whoever you wanted to your cool just don't use drugs and alcohol that's not everybody that's my experience in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous my sponsor one day it hurt we have to keep it anonymous so I'm not gonna say her name why don't you try to go to church Deb you don't fit in here it might be better because in narcotics anonymous there's certain criteria you have to do steps it made it reminded me of going to confession and I didn't want to do that so she went to a church called Calvary Chapel of the Chino Valley and I went I liked the pastor the best pastor of all the Calvary Chapel so I began to come to church and I got a job at a grocery store I don't know if I'm allowed to say the name of the grocery store reminds me of Ron's by this time I friend you remember junior he got out we moved into my mom's house and began a sexual relationship I didn't get married he began to go to church with me once in a while one day I didn't feel like making him go I stayed after service one day and there was a ministry fair there was various booths set up and I was looking around like wow these women they look so perfect I was like there was one woman there and as I got closer beautiful smile welcomed me perfect you know she was amazing she said hi my name is Connie I'm the leader of Charis ministry and I was like in my head hi I'm a dropout gangster who used to use drugs and alcohol and you guys know who that was telling me that yeah that guy anyways are you involved in any ministry she said she said I go no but I go to church I was like happy I was doing that she said well she began to explain the different ministries if you ever been to a ministry fair here we have ministries and the women explain to each ministry and I was like okay maybe I'll do special events if there's not too much of a commitment there's not that many you know not too much to do yeah right that's we get that's when I began to get involved ladies to engage I was involved in special events I've been involved with helping hands Laurie Collins wherever you are you're amazing I love you and thank you for all the times you've ministered to me Pomona outreach where I met Hilda who is a sister in Christ for life and I'll talk about her later the cleaning ministry yes I will clean toilets for this church today if I have to get involved I chase the Lord and this church as much as I chased the things of this world ladies you have to finally one day I got a call and there was an actually I didn't get a call this is when an ambulance had to come to my house junior and I were living at my mom's and healed eat on heroin I found him unconscious and I was floored see I knew he was using ladies I loved him and I didn't want him to leave I knew in the back of my mind I could fix him and I also knew he would get clean after all I was clean he used but I didn't see when you give yourself a hundred percent over to Jesus Christ he transforms you when he changes you all of a sudden a couple of days later junior wanted to come to church again I was praying as we always did please let him stand up and receive the Lord please let him stand up pastor gave the altar call right here and he stood up ladies and he came forward and he accepted the Lord Jesus Christ however after I came home from a Bible study one day I told him that he had to move it was like baby he was like baby what are you talking about make me some tea like he lays I'm hungry and I was making the tea like he lays I'm like all right I don't know you have to move see when I met Tracy shulow amazing woman of God who is my spiritual mother I've been studying while studying and for a while she told me you can't be with him anymore you're fornicating he has to move and I was like junior you got to go he's like I used to beg him to stay to stay to stay finally it was like a day or like two later he was like I can get out of here without her tripping on me he left I couldn't be his holy spirit anymore he moved to LA with his grandfather and that was when I really drew closer to the Lord after serving diligently working all the time by now I was making 21 bucks an hour at Ron's I'm a department head now and all yeah my daughter decided at that time to move with her dad in the spring of 2017 Hilda who I'd met at Pomona Outreach asked me if I wanted to rent one of her rooms I was like okay I received the phone call from junior and it was a Sunday for the first time we didn't argue we had a good 45-minute conversation about me moving and he was at peace no trying to convince me to let him come home and it was a good conversation I told him I'm not that I loved him a lot and I am I went home and I went to sleep I work graveyard so I'm like a vampire the coffin shortly after 1 a.m. I got a call at work on my cell phone and it was Valerie junior's cousin I could barely hear what she was telling me but she told me he's gone I go what who I knew it was junior it died I fell on the ground I couldn't breathe my co-workers were trying to take my keys and my old anger came back and they decided to let me out the door somehow I made it home I was a blur my house was full of boxes moving stuff Jasmine was leaving I told my daughter we both cried she felt so bad she told me don't worry mom I'll stay with you and I was like no don't worry go to dad's I hadn't gotten a hold of Hilda for days and then she called I told her what happened and that's when she told me of her dear Arnie a man with whom she had been with 15 years who also died of a heroin overdose God always knows what he's doing ladies and I love you Hilda I love you with all my heart thank you for teaching me how to dress like a woman and speak like a woman you guys know what clean is there's hospital clean then there's hill to clean clean it up I've seen so much death in front of my eyes ladies there's a reason why I'm alive everybody wonders why I'm on fire so much for Jesus and it's because I'm here today right now alive for a reason and that is to speak to any of you or all of you that need to jumpstart that need to come forward to never live in shame or fear ever about anything pain speaks to pain in my fearless leader spiritual mother Tracy taught me that my mom has since passed away but she was saved as well by Pastor David over the radio there's a story that goes with that but we don't have time I will never stop telling people about Jesus never ever but sanctify the Lord God and always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for the hope that is in you I'm alive and I made it I made it and I know why I'm here I quickly I just want to take two minutes to thank the Holy Spirit for if not him I would have never been on this stage I made it here for a reason he chose me first it's taken me a while to get that to thank you for choosing me father to my Pastor David Rosales wherever he is in his gracious amazing wife Marie from the bottom of my heart thank you for all that you do for all the leaders here at Keras ministry and all the all the leaders here we need to pray for our leaders it's not easy we need to pray for these women all the time thank you father or excuse me Pastor David for being my spiritual father up here year after year giving us the whole counsel of God not itching my ears with what I want to hear but with what God wants me to hear truth is the only thing that changes somebody's mind and our pastor he gives us truth I know our God will tell Pastor David well done you good and faithful servants I know you will and last but never least I want to thank my daughter Jasmine Jessica Leanna Bonsol see I'm a Mexican she never gave up on me she visited me in jail rehabs institutions who never left me she's always stood by my side who is now a graduate of Cal State Salmon Adina with Magna cum laude with her masters going on for her masters now in biopsychology she knows she wonders how I made it and why I'm still even here oh my god what happened ladies real quick I do now biblical counseling the women in prison these women need to be set free please pray for them Hebrews 133 tells us remember those who are in prison as though in prison with them and those who are mistreated since you also are one body as a church I'd like to leave you with this one thing a gentleman named Henry Roland said ladies if every life if every life that you touch is a field if everything you do when all the words that you speak or seed what will your harvest be thank you and God bless you thank you for listening to me