 Welcome to Ivy, the town of Ivy and Ivy College. It is coeducational and non-sectarian, and its age is indicated by the fact that until recently, the curriculum required two years of Greek. Ivy is all-American. Its student body is a pretty fair cross-section of our country's youthful seekers of knowledge, with a small smattering of time wasters, those fun-loving rovers who infest every college campus. Dr. William Hall, PhD, LLD, and MA, is president of Ivy. At least until the end of the month, his reappointment will shortly be under discussion by the Board of Regents, now meeting in the boardroom in the east wing of the library. I have to catch the four o'clock train. I hope we can make it this weekend. Why are we about finished? Remember the days we used to get a $20 gold piece? Gentlemen, gentlemen, I regret that this has been a rather long drawn-out session, and your restlessness is excusable. However, we have one more item of business on our agenda and an important one. It concerns the reappointment of Dr. Hall as president. It seems to me as chairman of this board that Dr. Hall's record is so eminently satisfactory that there can be no serious obstacle in the way of his conformation. His six years of service has been... Mr. Wellman? Yes. What about Mrs. Hall? Wellman, for heaven's sake, what are you talking about? What about Mrs. Hall, Mr. Wellman? Well, I have nothing against the lady personally, but it seems to me that I... I mean, this is hearsay, of course, and I don't ordinarily pay much attention to... Will you please get to the point, Mr. Wellman, if there is one? There is one. Put it bluntly. There is some doubt in my mind whether a man whose wife is an ex-actress and a musical comedy actress at that is the right woman. I mean, if he is the right man to be president of a colleague like Ivy with a conservative tradition... Wellman, you're right. They are saying... I know. But, gentlemen... Gentlemen, gentlemen... Dr. Hall's record is beyond reproach. Please. Mr. Wellman has raised a point which, however seriously it should be taken, does have a bearing on Dr. Hall's reappointment at an increased stipend. My personal feeling for your information is that Mrs. Hall's charm and sympathy for and with the younger element is a definite advantage to Dr. Hall's work. This is one opinion. You may hold contrary ones, but I should like to confine the discussion to a period of one-half-hour. At that time, we will vote for or against reappointment. Mr. Meriwether? Mr. Chairman, I'm not an Ivy alumnus. I just happen to be a filthy rich old man who's dropped some fairly large sums of money on your campus. But when I went to a college, which shall be nameless, the Prexy had an old battle-axe of a wife. Wait a minute, Meriwether. The dignity of this college is great, Mr. Wellman, if the two of you will party on with Marma. Gentlemen, order, please. May I remind you that appointing a president of this college is a serious matter. And any pertinent discussion should also be serious. The question of Dr. Hall's fitness... Toddy, dear, must you pace back and forth like that? Like a hyena in a zoo? A hyena? That's a rather rude comparison, Victoria. A hyena is a nasty animal. If we must be zoological, let me be something a little more noble. A tiger. A lion. That's what you are. The king of the beasts. Well... Thank you. And like a lion, you must be brave, dear. My dear woman, bravery in a college president, even in a former college president... Oh, no, don't say that. Well, it could happen. But as I was saying, bravery in a college president is a superfluous virtue. Practically the only virtue not absolutely required. College president must watch over his young, play politics and be begging constantly for money. He must be a combination babysitter, ward healer and panhandler. And you love it. God help me, I do. Anyway, a situation such as this calls for more patience and courage. If the regents of this college... What do you suppose they're doing at their blasted board meeting playing for cheesy... Now, temper, toddy, temper. Successful babysitters and panhandlers never lose their tempers. Oh, no, I know. And will you please try not to call me toddy, even in these sacred precincts? Someday you'll use it in front of some eager young beaver in the School of Journalism. Three weeks later they'll find me at my desk with a hole in my head and a smoking pistol in my hand. I'll try, dear. I know what the cheerleaders would do with it, too. Now tell me, how do they notify you that you're to be booked for another term? Booked is hardly the word, Victoria. I am not a juggling act. Well, we all have our professional phrases, dear. You know, sometimes I think. Well, here it is. Te moritoris salutami. What does that mean? It means here's mud in your eye from we who are about to be reappointed or not. Latin. Well, let's get it over with. I'll let them in and you'll be busily reading your fan mail. Or something. Hello, Mrs. Hall. Gee, I'm glad you're home. Can you give me a few minutes? Oh, well, frankly, push it's rather an awkward time, but what's the trouble? Oh, it's that walls clog I'm doing in the junior follies. I can't seem to remember it. Would you brush me up a little? Ask them in, Victoria. Yes, dear. Come in, pushy. Gee, I'm sorry to bother you all the time, Mrs. Hall, but the way you explain things, they're clear as crystal. And when I get up at rehearsal, I... Oh, hello, Dr. Hall. Hello, Morgan. Do you bring a message from the Board of Regents? No, sir, I don't. I've been trying to teach pushy a dance for the junior follies, William, a walls clog. He wants to brush up a bit. Really? Now? Yes, sir. The junior follies is only nine weeks away. I don't seem to be picking this stuff up very fast. Well, that's a very modest statement, pushy, and very truthful. Pull the rug aside while I put a record on. What would we be using? Oh, the sidewalks of New York, remember? I say, Victoria, I don't like to seem stuffy, but do you think that just at this particular time... It does sound a bit like fireworks at a wake, doesn't it? Well, I think I can put pushy right in almost no time. Hey, look, if this is inconvenient, Mrs. Hall, I mean, if Dr. Hall is expecting something important... No, no, no, no, no. Please, go ahead. After all, this is an institution of learning. Am I in the way? Certainly not, dear. Just stand over there by the piano. Pushy has an unfortunate habit of flinging his feet sideways. It makes for a very loose line in the chorus. Now, watch, pushy. See? Now, don't toss yourself about too much. Contain yourself, economical movements. Move the shoulders as little as possible. Now you try it. Gee, it sure looks easy when you do it. Okay. One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three. Now hold it, hold it, pushy. Stop the music, will you please, William? Gladly. And may I say, Morgan, I don't think you do too badly. Well, thank you, sir. I know I'm no Fred Astaire, but Mrs. Hall is a wonderful teacher. What was I doing wrong, Mrs. Hall? Well, your balance is all wrong, pushy. Now you watch how I shift my weight. You see, here's what you would do. You know, I think I see what you mean. Look, more like this, huh? One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three. Now you're beginning to get it. Now just practice and practice and practice. Just try to think of your upper body and arms wrapped up like a mummy. Be tight. Gee, that does it. I think I know now. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Hall. This is going to be the best show we ever had, Doctor. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing it, Morgan. Are you one of the leads? Oh, he's the lead, William. He sings even better than he dances. I hope. You know, this whole thing scares me to death. When I think of opening night and me doing that walls clog in front of all those people, gee, I'd almost rather be back in Okinawa. Almost, that is. Okinawa? Were you there? Yes, dear, he was. Now keep on practicing, pushy, and we'll get to work on the third act scenery the day after tomorrow. Ok, and thanks a lot, Mrs. Hall. Gee, with you handling the dancers and the scenery and the makeup and the costumes, this thing is really in the bag. Bye, Doctor. Good day, Morgan. Remember, wrapped up like a mummy. I'm sorry I interrupted your question, Toddie, but pushy doesn't talk much about his war experience. He's got the Medal of Honor and Purple Heart and Silver Star and a few other things, you know? No, no, I didn't know. I'm glad to hear about it. I'm inclined to lose sight of the fact that these are not all youngsters under my care. When I... Oh, here, let me help you, dear. Pull the rug a little that way, dear. No, no, a little more. That's it. You were saying? What was I... Oh, yes, yes, this reappointment. You do want to be reappointed, don't you, Toddie? I mean, William. Yes, yes, I do. And largely on account of boys like Morgan. When I address the student body or any part of it, I can see how the world has moved since I went to college myself. In my day, we went to college for fun and to fill in a few years between high school and making a living. Some of these young old men have lived more than I ever will. And even the inevitable few who are here to avoid work are affected in spite of themselves by the veterans and the ones who are playing for keeps. That's why I like my job more than I ever did. That's why I wish those... What time is it? 3.37. How did you say you'd be notified? Well, I've only been reappointed once, you know, so the procedure is not exactly traditional. On that occasion, I was notified in person by two members of the board, Mary Weather, whom I like and admire, and Mr. Wellman, who is, in my considered opinion, a stinker. Toddie, is there any doubt in your mind that you will be reappointed? Well, I'd be an idiot to take it for granted. Reappointment means a salary increase so... Toddie, how wonderful! And a salary increase naturally brings out the watchdog instincts of the conservative members. You mean that some of them would actually fire their president just to save a few miserable dollars? Vicki, I love you, but you are shamefully ignorant of some of life's basic facts. Yes, I know, dear, but... The Board of Regents is made up largely of wealthy men, retired industrialists, philanthropists, dissimilar as they are, they have one trait in common. None of them sees anything miserable about a dollar. Furthermore, they... Telephone, dear. Toddie, aren't you going to answer it? Let it ring. But, darling, the regents... The regents are hard to take. Let me play hard to get. That's around us here. As we rejoin the halls of Ivy, where... Oh, pardon me, the phone's ringing. There's the telephone again, William. I think you've taught them a lesson. Very well. Dr. Hall's resident? Oh, yeah. Bad news, you say. Oh. Well, frankly, I rather expected it. Thank you for calling. Yes, as soon as I can. Goodbye. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Well, it can't be helped. I suppose I was lucky to get the one I really wanted. The one you... What do you mean? What did they say? Well, they said they just got the copy of Wiener's book on cybernetics I ordered. Two of the others I wanted her out of print. The Board of Regents said that? Oh, no, no, no, dear. The campus bookshop. Remind me to pick up... Oh, Vicki, you thought that I... Yes, I thought they'd let you go. You know, it wouldn't be so terrible, would it? We could have a nice, long vacation. Could you use another adjective, such as brief or enjoyable, or the usual well-earned? You wouldn't be out of work very long, darling. You're a good college president. You're the best college president I know. Oh, thank you. And don't act like I never met any other college president. You'll remember I went to Chicago with you for the pedagogical convention last year. Pedagogical. I'm sorry. Yes, you went to keep me from falling into the evil clutches of second-hand book dealers, for you said. Well, anyway, I met at least a dozen college presidents, and an unimpressive lot they were, too, for the most part. Whiskers string ties by focals, and that, where can I find $2 million for a new gymnasium? Look. My dear girl, that where can I find a fat endowment look is as natural to college presidents as the why don't people throw something besides Penny's look is to a hurdy-gurdy man's monkey. And a more accurate simile would be hard to find. Oh, was that the phone? Was what, the phone? Thought I heard the phone. What time is it? It's four minutes to four. Get your coat. Let's go for a walk. Oh, but, Toddy, I mean, William, what if the Board of Regents, I mean, if they should call while you're out? Let them find me. One of the janitors on Fraternity Row has a bloodhound. They can track me. We can't do it, William. We can't meet rudeness with rudeness. No, no, you're right. As usual, my father always said that the real test of manners was being able to meet bad ones with good ones. But blast their eyes, what do they find to discuss all afternoon? I'll bet Wellman has something to do with this. Wellman, the stinker? Wellman, the revolving stinker. He's a stinker any way you look at it. And just exactly what does the fray grunt, Mr. Wellman, have against you, darling? I don't know. Simply mutually antagonistic, like water and oil, cats and dogs, cops and cab drivers. What does Mr. Wellman do for a living? My personal opinion is that he waylays little children on their way to the candy store and steals their penny. But according to various other sources of information, he is a soup magnet. Soup? Soup. I suspect that his grandmother was a witch and invented a broth which became a family recipe. I'm afraid to eat any, I might turn into a frog. And I can't swim. You really don't care for Mr. Wellman, do you, dear? I exaggerate, of course. I do not like Mr. Wellman. Mr. Wellman does not like me. He has given this college a great deal of money and has been definitely identified with its growth and success. The fact that we don't see eye to eye may possibly be due to my own astigmatism. Oh, sometimes, Toddy, I wish you wouldn't try to be so fair-minded. Just go on and hate the man. Hit him in the nose. You don't have to have the job. No. We could hitchhike out to California and pick fruit. Follow the harvest. Do ladders make you nervous? Oh, not a bit. Do you remember Lulu's mad moment? Oh, no, of course you don't. It just played for three nights. Gold is green, I think, but I was Lulu. And I spent most of the second act on a ladder singing all old out and helping and... Sounds like a resounding success. It was a dismal mistake. The critics, however, were kind enough to say that if the rest of the play had been as handsomely constructed as either the ladder or Miss Victoria Cromwell, Lulu's mad moment might have been extended to a somewhat wacky fortnight. I think I remember... Well, about time. Shall I accept the reappointment or shall we pick apricots? You just play hard to get for 10 or 15 seconds there and then give in gracefully. Doctor Hall's resident? Yes? Oh, well, that's quite a wrap. Not at all. Goodbye. Wrong number. What time is it? A few minutes after four. Oh, this is un-pardonable. The regents know I'm waiting here to receive the news. My appointment or non-appointment is not of such world-shaking importance as to merit this prolonged discussion, except to me. I think I shall... Remember, I don't mind ladders. Very well, Lulu. May I call you Lulu? It would be a little presumptuous. You never saw me as Lulu, which you may count among your blessings. I saw you as Mary and give them tears in London. That's all any man could ask. Give them tears? Oh, I should love to play that again. It was a lovely play, wasn't it, darling? If you do it again, I'd like to play the vicar. I could do it, you know. I saw it 27 times. And bought your own tickets on a professor's salary. My sabbatical year turned out to be a theatrical five months. A fool in his money rushed in where an angel was standing in the wings to combine a few metaphors. You were very kind to the visiting American, Vicki. The visiting American was very refreshing, Toddy. It was fun teaching you how many shillings in a pound, how to eat fish and chips, and the lambeth walk. Had you noticed me in the audience ever? I mean, before... My dear, I think I saw you every time after the first one. And then the night my dresser told me there was a gentleman to see me. If you'll wait here just a moment, sir. I'll find out if Miss Cromwell can see you. She doesn't hardly ever see visitors before the show. I promise I won't keep Miss Cromwell, but a moment. I'm sorry if I called at the bad time. Oh, that's all right, sir. Anybody that can get past old Eric and the doorman deserves a bit of a break. How did you manage that, sir? How did I get past the doorman? I don't know. I didn't see any doorman. Well, just a moment, sir. I'll speak to Miss Cromwell. Miss, there's a gentleman who wants to see you. A yank by the looks of him. What does he want, Penny? I don't know, he didn't say. But he's a pleasant-spoken man and nice-looking. None of the ordinary runner-back stages. I'll see him. Miss Cromwell? I realize this is perhaps an imposition, but I'm leaving for the United States in a few days and I felt I must tell you something. Yes, Mr. Hall? Or is it Professor Hall? Well, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I am not ordinarily much of a theatergoer, but I have seen you in this very beautiful play 26 times. I would feel that I've been lacking in simple courtesy and told you in person how much genuine pleasure you have given me. The hours I have spent watching you will be a memory which I shall treasure to the rest of my somewhat dull life. I'm most grateful. Mr. Hall, I... really, this is very...Penny... go away. Oh, oh, yes, Miss. Please sit down, Mr. Hall. Oh, thank you. But I've been told this is a rather inconvenient time to visit backstage. My ignorance of theatrical procedures... Your ignorance of the rules, Mr. Hall, will not be used against you. And you don't want an autographed photo or an endorsement of some brand of petrol or to discuss a tentative new motion picture over champagne. None of those things, no. No, I merely wish to say thank you. I might also say that dressing room views as one's favorite actress are popularly supposed to be disillusioning. I'm always glad to help kick a superstition in the head. I'm glad I'm your favorite actress, Mr. Hall. You're becoming my favorite audience. Tell me, why did you wait so long to come and tell me these nice things? Well, frankly, I hadn't the courage until tonight. And the thought of going home without hearing you speak to me in person was simply intolerable. So thank you once more, and I... Oh, no, don't go, Mr. Hall. Sit down again. I want to talk to you some more. Anyone who thinks as highly of me as you do and says so, so beautifully is to me a very stimulating conversationalist. Well, Miss Cromwell, I wouldn't have mentioned this, but in as much as you have introduced the subject, well... How would you like it inscribed, Mr. Hall? Oh, just say something like with kindness regards to... How did you know what I meant? I think because I wanted you to want... Oh, good heavens. I'm sorry. I've overstayed. What was that, curtain time? Orbiture? Have I... Darling, it's the doorbell. Well, I didn't mean to say what... Tuddy! Darling! Bell! The doorbell? The doorbell? Oh! Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes. You were wool gathering. Yes. Yes, I guess I was. And doesn't wool make a lovely comforter? What on earth are you talking about? Excuse me, dear. I'll see who's at the door. Mr. Maryweather, Mr. Wellman, how are you? We were just debating about taking a walk. Another ten minutes, we'd probably have been gone. Victoria, I think you know Mr. Maryweather. Oh, yes, indeed, I do. Good afternoon, Mr. Maryweather. Mrs. Hall, I'm glad to see you. In fact, I'm always... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Maryweather, but I'm afraid Mrs. Hall doesn't know Mr. Wellman. Victoria, may I present Mr. Clarence Wellman? Well, how do you do, Mr. Wellman? Mrs. Hall, we haven't met before, or formerly. But I remember you from 1934, I think, in England, gold as green, in Lulu's mad moment. Was that the one where I played the witch brewing a wicked broth which turned men into frogs? No, no, no. No, Lulu's mad moment was where you spent most of the second act on a ladder, remember? That was it, the ladder. I'll have to admit, Mrs. Hall, that you were... interesting, but that clay. How long did it run? Run, Mr. Wellman, is much too vigorous a word. It tottered for three days and then fell down dead. I saw it on a Wednesday. Oh, then you saw it at its peak. It opened on Tuesday and closed on Thursday. Mr. Maryweather, did you have the fortune good or bad to see Lulu's mad moment? No, I didn't, Mrs. Hall. But I saw give them tears five times in New York. I went the first time as somebody's guest and four times as lots of people's hosts. Oh, thank you, Mr. Maryweather. God, ma'am, if I'd been a couple of hundred years younger. And hadn't had a wife who understood me, you'd have found me at the stage door every night with a bunch of emeralds in my hot little hand. I don't like to intrude on your memoirs, gentlemen, but could I serve you any refreshments? You mean tea, Dr. Hall? No, Mr. Wellman, I didn't mean tea. I meant wine, whiskey, gin, or beer. Although tea is available. If, of course, you care for it so late in the afternoon. I'd have a bourbon and branch water, but my medical says no. Firstly, I'm a tea totaler, doctor. I don't approve of drink or of drinking. Well, I'm seldom seen reeling across the campus myself, Mr. Wellman. Could I get you some sherry, Victoria? No, thank you, William. Won't you, gentlemen, sit down? No, no, thank you, Mrs. Hall. We're pretty late as it is. Apologies for keeping you waiting, doctor. Waiting for what, Mr. Maryweather? Waiting for what? Don't you realize today is the deadline for your reappointment as President of Ivy, Dr. Hall? Good gracious, so it is. William, did you hear? Yes, yes, I did. Well, I'm glad you weren't brooding about it, Hall. I knew you weren't the type to stew around. Right temperament for President of Ivy always said so. Well, sir, answer the committee. Tell the man. Tell the man? Oh, oh, yeah, the appointment, yeah. Well, I suppose it has to be settled some time, one way or the other. Well, I have been requested by the Board of Regents to inform you of your reappointment as President of Ivy College for the further term of five years. With more money, too. I'm the committee of one, Maryweather. You will go ahead and commit. Stop stalling around. For a further term of five years, doctor, with an increase in stipend of $2,500. Thank you, Mr. Wellman. I presume I shall be notified formally. I shall also thank the Board of Regents in writing. Does this mean, William, that we can't go to California? Uh, I'm afraid so, dear. But possibly on our vacation we can pick an orange. Oh, must you go, gentlemen? Yes, got to get home, doctor. Confounded Board kept yammering away at each other all afternoon, a lot of silly nonsense. Wasted two good hours, I might have spent working on my railroad. Your railroad, Mr. Maryweather? Model railroad, Mrs. Hall. I build them. Ever try it, doctor? No, no, I never have, Mr. Maryweather. I'll leave it alone. Steel filings in the carpets, glue in your ears, wife sulking in the corner. Come on, Clarence. A night, doctor, and congratulations to you and to the college. Thank you. Night, Mrs. Hall. Good night. Thanks for being so kind and patient with my nephew. Your nephew? Pussy Morgan. Stumblebump. You've taught him how to know his left foot from his right. He's crazy about you. I am, too. Come on, Wilbur. What are you stalling around for? Good night, doctor. Good night. Congratulations, doctor. Thank you, Lulu. You may come down from the ladder now. Oh, what an afternoon. I promise you I won't go through that again. Won't you, Toddy? Five years isn't so long. Next time, I'll be ready for them. I'll be equipped to laugh at them. If you'll help me. Well, of course, dear, with what? Teach me that Walsh Clark. I think I might have a flair for that sort of thing. Now, is this the way? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. No, no, look, Toddy. It's like this. And those were the halls of Ivy, as created for Ivy Productions by Don Quinn and directed by Nat Wolfe. The halls are nice people, and we think you should know them better, Victoria is... Edna Best. And Dr. Hall is... Gail Gordon. The other residents of Ivy are Herbert Rawlinson, Gloria Gordon, Herbert Butterfield, Willard Waterman, Leeminar, Norman Field, and Leo Clarey. Henry Russell, composed and conducted the music, and your announcer, Don Stanley. We all hope you'll come back to Ivy. Good night. And the halls of Ivy That surround us here today And we will not forget Though we be far, far Broadcast in the company.