 hosting this show for almost a year now at Stroudwater Distillery. We usually have a pretty decent turnout and you know new fresh lineup of comedians every week try to keep things switching up with with fresh faces. Since the last time that I did this with you guys done a few things I was in the New England's funniest comedian competition place third in the finals and had the opportunity to open for Mark Normand which was a really incredible experience. I've been traveling a lot throughout New England and making plans to to go further making making my way down the Eastern seaboard, New York, Tennessee, North Carolina or places that I'm hoping to get to Pennsylvania and greater New England. So always a great time here. The staff is fantastic, always friendly, super super helpful. Also involved with the the river comics still in the Lewiston Omninarian and throughout the state of Maine. Great time so hope to see people out some future shows and hope that you enjoy this one. Thanks a lot. Cool so this is this is our comedy night here every Thursday. We're all here for comedy. You guys come out because you knew comedy was happening. Awesome. What about you folks? Is this a surprise? Are you here for comedy or you're here for comedy? Awesome. Very cool. So yeah every Thursday night I host comedy here fresh lineup. Next week's a little different we're here on Friday instead. So keep an eye out for that. A few other things happening like to make a few announcements for the brewery. Distillery tomorrow night is Mystery 2077 a murder mystery. That is a sold out event. So if you don't have tickets already for it I'm sorry I missed out but keep an eye out for the next time. I don't know when it's gonna be. It is mystery. October 1st is Cornhole tournament. October 7th is salsa night. That is salsa the dance not salsa or sorry yeah salsa the dance not salsa the dip. So definitely come off for that. Trivia every Wednesday. Yeah get more comfortable. Lots of things happening so keep an eye out for all the events. By a round of applause how many of you have been to a comedy show before? All right everybody awesome. So you know the general rules basically keep table talk to a minimum if you can. Maybe silence your cell phones. You know those types of things and laugh and have a good time which we're gonna do. I'm excited. I'm gonna close this door cause people are fucking glad. Comedy show huh? A great lineup for you. Go ahead and give yourselves a round of applause for being here tonight. A big shout out to all of you for being here. Yeah a big shout out to all of the comedians you're gonna hear tonight and give a big shout out to Ben Chadwick. Yeah a big shout out to Nick Gordon. Big shout out to Hal Gawinker. A big shout out to the staff here at Stroud Water Distillery doing a great job slinging drinks, slinging food. Big shout out to Stroud Water Distillery itself for allowing us to have comedy. It's fantastic. I'd like to give a shout out to Thompson's Point for allowing Stroud Water Distillery to be here. A big shout out to the city of Portland for allowing the Thompson's Point area to have all these things that all these wonderful things you know concerts on the point and all of that. A big shout out to the state of Maine for allowing the city of Portland to be a city. Massage shoes in for allowing the state of Maine to succeed and become its own state. I think that if I remember correctly that it had something to do with the Louisiana Purchase. So a big shout out to the Louisiana Purchase. A big shout out to the United States for allowing Maine to still be a member of the Union. Yeah. A big shout out to UN and NATO while we're at it. These guys do good work I think. A big shout out to Subaru for manufacturing the car that got me here tonight. A shout out to gasoline for fueling my car. A big shout out to gasoline prices. They're getting better but still not the best they could be. A little better every day though. That's all we can hope for I suppose. I'd like to give a big shout out to Oxygen for fueling my muscles allowing me to walk up here and allowing me to shout out. Without Oxygen I wouldn't be able to shout out to you. So shout out to Oxygen. A big shout out to Earth for always being there when I need it. Don't give up on Earth. Don't cover your mouth. I want to hear you laughing. I am getting some blank stares though. I should probably explain. I made props comic. I should also probably apologize for my energy level tonight. I was up really late alphabetizing my t-shirts. I went to bed when I realized they were on t-shirts. Actually I was at a vintage clothing store recently and this little place in Milford, New Hampshire called Unitary. Really cool place. Has anyone here ever been to Milford, New Hampshire before? A couple people. Awesome. So for those of you that haven't been, those of you who have, definitely check out Unitary. It's a really cool vintage clothing shop. I got to perform there a little while back. I got there early because I wanted to check out their stock. I'm really glad that I did. I found this gem. I'm told that it's 30 years old and I only paid $60 for it. I feel like at $2 a year I got a pretty good deal. So definitely check that out. I think you guys have heard enough from me. We got a great lineup tonight. Really excited for everyone that's going on. This next fellow, a very good friend of mine. He is the vice president of the River Comics. Please put your hands together for Nick Gordon. This is Nick Gordon. I'm here at Stradwater Distillery on this fine Thursday evening. First full day of fall, right? And we're going to do a little stand-up comedy for everyone. Hopefully we get a nice crowd in there. Hopefully you guys come out to see a show sometime. Either here or at some of our other venues that we do. I perform at Craft Brew Underground in Auburn a lot. Call of Say Club in Lewiston. A lot of other different places. You can find those shows at TheRiverComics.com. Thanks for coming out and supporting live stand-up comedy. We really appreciate it. Hello. How are you doing? Good. Good to see you. Hi. Hello? That was weird. No, no, no, you're fine. You have to pee. Are you pooping? Are you pooping? We'll find out when she comes up. Part of this show is how each comedian's hair is going to get shorter. As we work our way through the show, you wait and see what happens. Ian's was quite long. Ben's a little bit shorter. I actually recently got a haircut. Mine was longer. Not as long as theirs. Mine was longer, but I have a real job. I went to the office after the pandemic and they were like, Wow, Nick. We've never seen your hair be that long before. And I was like, Oh, do you want me to cut it? No, no, no, no, no. We can't tell you to cut your hair, but it's pretty long. I find, I'll get a trim. I'll get a trim. I went to my barber and I said to her, Hey, can you make me look a little more mid-life crisis and a little less action crisis? She's like, Yeah, I can do that. I can do that. In fact, in the end, you're going to look like Bradley Cooper from A Star is Born. And I said, you know, in the end, he kills himself. And she goes, I know it was just number one. There was a good punchline too. It was right on my back and I have a real job. So when I got to work after the pandemic, they're not part of the show. I got to work after the pandemic and I said, Hey, my boss said, Hey, your hair is pretty long. We've never seen it that long. We've bearded that long before. I said, Oh my God, you guys, can you tell me to get a haircut? She said, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He completely can't tell you to get a haircut. I said, All right, well, I'll go get a haircut. That's fine. Not exactly the same as it was before. And you guys are, This is just kind of the rundown of what happened. So I went to my barber and I said, Hey, can you, can I get a haircut? You know, he made me look a little more mid-life. I couldn't tell the joke again. And you made me look a little more mid-life crisis crisis and a little less actual, don't talk about some of the little less actual crisis she's like yeah yeah I can do that just in the end you're gonna look like Bradley Cooper from a Star Wars movie and I said but in the end he kills himself she goes I know I was going to kill myself do you have a treat waiting out there okay there you go okay there's plenty plenty of good seats still available but if you don't want to come and sit down please go back on the side cause I had a poor joke to tell these people oh my good that was fun how about that in an old barn or whatever this thing is I'm not sure this is a great space thank you guys for coming on who here was married married married married married yep everyone's married you guys aren't married yet let me tell you the secrets of marriage let me tell you the secrets of marriage because I used to be married when your significant mother comes home and says hey we're going gluten free your answer cannot be well I'm going to get mac and cheese by fucking a co-worker it's funny it's funny I'm not conjoining you I'm not saying that cheating is okay I'm not saying that wow it was fun for a little while but anyway no that's um that was some time ago that was some time ago I've learned a lot of lessons since then my life is far far better in fact this October will be our 7 year anniversary for our divorce we actually we finalized our divorce on Halloween you like Halloween what a great day especially I haven't told the kids yet yeah and you gotta go take him trick or treating that right one last chance to dress up like a family got to hear my ex-wife say hey check the candy for razors and poison and alimony usually it's a pretty good line it was really just a night of me walking around the neighborhood going trick or treat smell my feet is this someplace I can sleep that's new I just thought of that in the shower today thank you guys so much yeah so I've been divorced for seven years and my life is okay now it was a time though like have you guys ever rolled your own piece of bologna with mustard in it for dinner and been like yeah that's okay it's okay that's okay that's fine it's not funny don't laugh but it's a little too close to the home I discovered at Hannaford they have the hub bar at the Hannaford so you guys know the hub bar get the chicken tenders in the bag with the time written on it it's like I don't really want to know so much what time these chicken tenders were made I kind of want to know who made them back there at the Hannaford looking at you Dale put your name on your work but they're good they're good chicken tenders are like really crispy and salty goes so good with a gallon of water I had to cut corners I had to cut some corners sometimes when I was newly divorced and had my own place I had to cut some corners I used to buy the Hannaford Grand Toilet Paper and it would say right on it little things that it compares to Charmin I'm like alright I'm going to take your work for a Hannaford because I don't have the money to buy Charmin and Hannaford Grand Toilet Paper and Tacos and do the test so here we go I had to get my own apartment of course you know the guy always has to move out right I had to get my own apartment fortunately for me I had some friends who have an apartment for me we'll place up a new Gloucester a farmhouse, a little apartment about the kitchen a farmhouse it's a working farmhouse and they said oh what do you do with the working farmhouse you got pigs, cows, chickens and horses no I'm not that kind of working farmhouse we do weddings every weekend wedding, barn, hipster, farmhouse, divorce, dad father of two first apartment above a kitchen at a wedding barn venue who here has been to a wedding barn venue for a wedding anybody do we know what I'm talking about here for those of you who don't know what that is pitcher a canoe full of beer pitcher, a bride I mean a groom and his groomsman and a bunch of car-heart and boots and straw hats and a bride who's wearing a dress from the 1800s but she actually lost her virginity when she was 18 pitcher, pitcher your future mother-in-law sitting on a bale of hay pitcher the priest or the officiant or whoever is doing the wedding most likely it's a friend of yours who just got his online certificate to do the weddings and he's got a straw hat it's a fucking joke you're fine how well are they supposed to make money it's certainly not for me now if I can pitcher during the wedding when they say the line do you take this woman in sickness and health that at that exact moment someone's contracting Lyme disease that's a wedding barn venue single dad father with two first apartment so that's a wedding barn those are wedding barns I'm not going to be disappointed because when they would show up on Thursday I'd be sitting on the front porch just in my underwear hey welcome to happiness come on who are you it's only 10 minutes of my 15 minutes so no I actually did I had a great year there most fun I had was when I would put the kids during the reception and just put the lights on real fast and then I'd go to the other one and be like these are the ghosts of your future mistake wear a condom tonight it was fun that's what I'm saying if you're going to imagine such a thing are you guys having fun is this fun that's good because fun as an adult is a lot different than fun as a kid I don't know if you guys remember being kids or not but you all know how to be adults this is fun as an adult but as a kid you'd have fun literally just throw a tennis ball against my parents garage just throw a tennis ball just like practicing baseball so my arm hurt that was so much fun and now as an adult I sleep with my arm like this and I wake up and I need surgery the next day that's not fun that's an adult and then as a kid you just ride your bike and you hit a curb and you jump your bike and you're like oh yeah I'm some BMX bike guy and then you can ride it and you hit enough curb and boom now as an adult we'll drive out of here we'll hit the curb and spend a fun night in jail video games video games as much as we can, as much as my mother will let us I had Mario Brothers, Jack Hunt, Zelda little later Sonic the Hedgehog I don't know what the rest of you guys played I'm trying to think of ball but it's sticking that's rude that's rude I don't like being hey bud how you doing? good you wanna do tech 5? don't hurt him careful and he walked in on my punchline I'm just kidding it's fine this is not a real comedy show but as a kid you play video games now as an adult you have fun when you do you watch zoom meetings that's fun just sitting there going why aren't these two women naked and kissing it's a long way to go for a porn joke you guys I appreciate you hanging in on that I'm just gonna check here real quick cause I'm having I can't do my password is anyone on my password? oh my goodness gracious so I am a father I have a couple of kids I have a 14 year old daughter she just turned 14 freshman in high school it's not cool it's not good, it's not nice, I don't like it she's 14, she's growing up you know the whole the thing that happens it's hard for me because like in my mind Tampax is a place in Florida where skateboarders go to retire I thought I was gonna go to my father's shower I was like that's funny that's good, Tampax that's got the X in it X means extreme and like if you have extreme Tampon, like that's not good that's bad she's 14 she likes to do like FaceTime do you guys know like a 14 year old girl with a FaceTime on her phone oh my god Emily where are, oh my god I just like doing the voice Emily, Olivia, let's do FaceTime chat and then I have a bum bathroom in my house and I come out of the bathroom and I'm in a towel and like I'm in the background of her FaceTime and she's like oh my god you gotta be aware of your FaceTime background that's the moral of the story essentially FaceTime background that's what the name of that one FaceTime background that's the name of that joke I hope you guys liked it I sure do yeah 14 is crazy like she's at that age where she won't say I love you anymore I'm like Claire I love you have a great day at school not whatever I love you have a good day please say I love you back to me I don't care I don't wanna and I'm happy when you can and don't even look at me alright so here's the deal Claire from now on every time I say I love you and you don't say I love you back taking a dollar out of your college fund 500 times I've come in this year so far she's not upset I love you back to me so her college fund is a negative 500 dollars you saw it coming didn't you you knew what I was going to do I saw him smile before the real-time smile that's kind of an obvious one but it's another fun joke I love to take I love doing that work I love my kids my son on so much he's 11 I don't know if any of you guys have experience 11 year old boy little tough little difficult doesn't want to brush his teeth it's a little like in order to clean an 11 year old boy it's like training in Navy Seal you just like throw him in the ocean and then you spray him with a hose until they ring a bell I don't like that one the other guys so we're he's 11 and helping clean his room the other day he's got one of those magic eight balls he picked up the magic eight ball and I looked at it I didn't even shake it it looked not so good alright that's cool alright so that's a bad one too we're going to start crossing these off this is the test room for all the new jokes that I've been doing for five years and you guys are good it's hard let me do the other one again that was fun they're having a good time out there we should talk to people there I I I I I I I did a couple booty calls during the pandemic had some booty calls you guys booty calls during the pandemic stuck at home but in a lot of the pandemic I said to myself you know what the name of the booty call so I came up with three ideas for the booty call during the pandemic first one was Uber pretty good next one was the and my third choice was hordash that always gets the best I think that's the one I think that's the one the promo code for hordash is hello fresh thank you I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I