 Hi guys, welcome back to this video. First of all, I need to apologize because it is so humid here in Arizona. It's monsooning, it's like super grubby outside, and I just, I cannot get my hair under control. It's frizzy, it's curly, it is what it is. I just got my eyebrows microbladed too, and so like they're in that awkward, really dark face. So I'm just a little wreck over here, but I wanted to talk about how COVID's been going here in Arizona and how I'm doing, and blah, blah, blah, kind of like a little mini vent sesh for you guys. I feel like since I'm a social media influencer, so to speak, like some people look at me as if like I don't experience some of the same things that you guys do. I don't know, I don't know if that makes sense, but like I am seriously on the struggle bus with this whole COVID thing. So about a month ago, it started getting really, really bad here in Arizona, and we're like it's still just, it's terrible, and it's like really, really, really affecting where I'm at, and it's affecting me a lot, and I just wanna talk about like, I don't know, whatever comes to mind with this whole COVID thing, because I'm like seriously burnt out, like legit burnt out, like I do not like my job right now. I know I love being a nurse, and like I, yeah, I love being a nurse, but like I hate the situation I'm in right now, and I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm not willing to do my part and like help out, and like help take care of all of these like influx of COVID patients that we're getting. It's just so, so much physically and emotionally that like every shift is 100,000% draining. Every shift I walk in, and I feel like my attitude is just like crappy, because I just know I'm going to get annihilated every single shift, like every shift is so, so hard. And to kind of give you guys a little insight to like what I'm dealing with in the ICU right now, right now where you are doing team nursing, almost every single shift I have another nurse that's paired with me, and we take on an extra patient or so. So for example, I will have two patients that are both intubated, manually prone, super, super sick patients, and then I will share a third patient with another nurse. And that third patient is usually just as sick, manually prone, intubated, very, very, very sick. Like it's not like I'm sharing a patient that's about to get downgraded to medsurge and get discharged. This is like, these are all very, very sick patients. And the other day I actually had a patient that was very, very sick and should have been a one-to-one because I was putting this patient on CRT and I had another patient that was super, super sick and I just, I was not able to like balance it because I had one patient that was like literally circling the drain that I could not leave their room and then this other patient, like I just, I couldn't get into that room. And fortunately I was able to like have a couple of nurses like go check on this patient and like pass the meds and do an assessment and make sure everything was okay. But I just, it's like a dilemma for me because I am the type of person that I like to take really good care of my patients. I like to know what's going on with them. I like to be an advocate for them when speaking to the doctors and to their families. I like to make sure that their bedding is cleaned and if they have a bowel movement I can clean them up right away. Like I take a lot of pride in how I care for people and I'm not able to care for people the same way right now because I am just, I'm overloaded. Like I'm taking on what two nurses should be doing. And so is everyone else. It's not like it's just me. Everyone else is taking on the workload of another nurse essentially because we just have so many patients and not enough staff and the acuity is just so high. And it just, it makes me feel like sad. Like I feel like I am not doing as good of a job as a nurse right now because I just physically cannot do all of the work. And it just seems as if every shift there's like another thing added on and another thing added on. Sorry, the camera battery died. But for example, like now we have to change out our own sharps containers because they're trying to reduce their exposure risk for other people in the hospital on the COVID units which like part of me like totally understands but then another part of me is like I cannot do everyone else's job right now. Like I am trying so hard to just do my own which is getting overloaded. And then just to add on all these extra things that we're supposed to do. For example, there was a maintenance person that had to come get a piece of equipment out of a room and this the maintenance person couldn't go in the room. And so I had to stop what I'm doing and go and get that out. And on a normal day that would be fine but when you are so, so, so busy and you are just trying to pay attention to your own patients like you don't have time to be doing the maintenance worker's job and the sharps person's job. And I'm not like faulting these people because I know it's not them. I know it's like the system is telling them not to go in these rooms but it is just like putting so much work on us. And I'm like over it. I'm so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. I know like it's temporary but then part of me like wonders, okay. What if they see that like, sure these nurses can take on an extra patient and it was okay. And then fast forward when COVID's not exploding are they gonna say, well, it worked in the past. Let's just keep doing that. Is it gonna continue to be this way? And that's the part that like really scares me. We have entered like an emergent crisis mode at our hospital where like some of the turning is modified and like some of the like the legality behind like what you're doing or like if you make a mistake is like waived, I guess. I don't know, but it doesn't, it matters. Yes, it matters, but it doesn't matter because if something happened to my patients because I missed something or because I made a mistake I would feel awful. Like it doesn't matter if like, yeah. Okay, legally it might be covered, but like internally I just, I don't know. Like it would destroy me to know that like I harmed a patient because I was just so overworked and that would like emotionally and mentally like really wreck me. So I don't know guys, I don't know. I'm just like so over it. And I wanna put this out there because people just don't get it. And also I know so many of you are feeling this way. I've been trying to share in my Instagram a lot of like different things of how I'm feeling and be very like raw and real with you guys. And I know that many of you appreciate that and feel the same way. The other shift I walked out of work and it was like pouring down rain which is very rare here in Arizona. Obviously, look at my hair guys, you can tell it's been raining. But there was like a rainbow that was out and it was pouring down rain but it was sunny outside. And I was just like, I don't know. It was like almost like a cleanse. It felt like I walked out of this like really shitty day at work. And like it was like, it's gonna be okay. You know, the smell of rain, it's fresh, it's clean. The rainbow, I don't know. It's like the universe is telling me it's gonna be okay. And I know it'll get better. I just worry about like the lasting effects of this on all of like my coworkers and myself. And I don't know, like I know I'm totally burnt out and like, don't worry guys. Like I am taking care of myself outside of work. It's just like, I dread going back to work every shift because literally it's like every shift I walk in it's like, well, we're down seven nurses or every nurses in a team assignment or we have, you know, five CRTs but they're all paired with another patient and it's just like, is it always gonna be like this? I don't know. I know it's not. I know I'm being dramatic, but at the same time I know I'm not being dramatic. I'm just being real. I wanna end on like one last little thing to kind of just, I don't know if you've watched this far in the video. This will be a lot to hear, but the other day I worked several shifts in a row and half my patients died over those shifts. And like I get that we're exposed to more death in the ICU and like, and whatnot. And like emotionally I try to remove myself as much as I can but that's like, that's hard for anyone. Like if half your patients die in over a couple shifts like it's just, emotionally it's a lot. Like it's, even though like the person's really sick and they, you know as a nurse like they're not gonna survive like the families don't always realize that. And even if they do it's really hard on them and trying to like take care of people medically but then also trying to take care of these families emotionally is just it's a lot. And yeah, I'm burnt out. I'm totally burnt out and I can't admit that. So for whatever this has worked you guys I hope this is helpful. I hope that you know that like I am on your side. I am doing the same things you guys are doing. I am still a bedside nurse and I am still experiencing a lot of the things that you are. And so I get it, I get it. I know like emotionally how you're feeling physically how you're feeling. And I wanna be this like sense of positivity and light like it's gonna be okay and like it's all great but right now it freaking sucks. It is not all great. And like sure one day it might be better. It has to get better. Like it has to get better. But right now I just can't be like this super bubbly positive person because it's just it's a lot. So anyways I hope you guys are staying safe. Hope you're doing well. Hope that you're taking care of yourselves and I'll see you guys in my next video. Bye.