 From the people that brought you two girls, one cup probably, comes a movie so depraved, so unsettling, so twisted, you might want to take a shower afterwards. The film I'm talking about today is The Human Centipede, a story about folks from different backgrounds really coming together in a show of unity. Yeah, it's gonna be like this the entire time. Stick around. The producer on this roast is Evan Baumgarten, but you don't have to go above and beyond like Evan did to show support. You can become a patron for just one dollar a month or a YouTube join member right here. There's a join button. You just click that and you're in. All right, let's see what all the fuss is about this film. We open on a busy road. Here we see a car parked on the side with a man who's probably chronically masturbating. Would you look at that? Something we already have in common. I'm pretty strong when it comes to reading people. I have a really good feeling about this, dude. Never mind. I was wrong about what he was doing. It turns out he's looking at photos of some dogs sniffing each other's rear ends. At least I think that's what the dogs are doing. Oh my god, now we have a three dog salute, and they are really up in each other's business. It's true what they say. It's a dog eat dog world. A semi-driver pulls over, double-fisting toilet paper. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Farmer Bob is about to do something unspeakable in the woods. He appears to have piqued the attention of the man in the car. He's now in pursuit. He popped on a trench coat, which is telling me he's got old Johnson locked and loaded underneath. I love that Farmer Bob grabs a tree for leverage. He's got a gun! He points it at the poor bastard and we hear a gunshit. I mean gunshot. Followed by the title. Human Centipede. The first sequence. What? A confident title. They knew they had a hit on their hands, because it hits such a large demographic of people. Everybody poops. Alright, now we have a couple lovely ladies getting ready for a night out on the town. They're traveling across Europe and they're super stoked to meet up with their friend Amy. I thought you knew exactly where we were going. They get lost. Typical. Women. One flat tire later, they're stranded in the middle of nowhere. In the middle of the woods. With no phone signal. Curly hair Sue does, however, have a killer flashlight dongle on her. Without a man present to give them directions or advice, they are essentially useless. And so they do the only thing they know how. Bicker at each other loudly in the car. Oh thank the gods. A man has shown up. The day is saved. And he's German, so we know he's good and he can be trusted. Fucking. He said fucking. Okay. Oh. Well hopefully he leaves soon. Well I'm spent. And I guess so is he. The creepy dude has left the chat. The gals decide their best bet is to hoof it on foot, take their chances in the woods in the middle of the night. Big mistake. They get further lost and they appear to be extremely tree-ist. But if you know that all the trees look the same. Wow. Wow. Do better. Hoops earring spots a house up yonder. I'm going to check it out. The ladies prance and frolic around in the rain. And now I'm half masked. I believe a Keanu Reeves movie starts out this way. Jared from Subway is far shadier looking though. He invites them inside. The three of them stare around a roaring fire while he uncomfortably looks at them. While asking several probing questions. He goes in the other room where he pretends to call for help while roofing in their glasses of water. This tactic was merely known as courting a lady back in the 80s. It was a simpler time. It was a more regal time. Hoop dreams notices there's no ring on this finger so she's going to try to lock this one in if she can. Asks if the guy is married. Do you live here with your wife? No. Promising start. I don't like human beings. Oh. I'm sorry. Shot out of a cannon. This guy is unhinged. And Ashley and Jenny are down for the count. They wake up the next day, handcuffed to hospital beds. And this is now reminded me of another classic video I've watched before on Pornhub. Hey, Farmer Bob is there too. You know, I'm kind of glad he didn't kill the dude. He must have tranked him with his gun because I felt that Farmer Bob deserved better to be shot in the back while he's taken a shit. And he's dead. And he's gone. And it seems to me you lived your life like a fart in the wind. The mystery man said that he didn't match. Whatever that means. I'm sure we're going to find out. I can't wait for this to be over. In all honesty, I think this is a best case scenario for Trucker Bob. I think I called him Farmer Bob before. I don't know where the farming thing came from, but we're going to push past it. Oh, we got fresh meat for the grinder. The doc returns with the new gentleman. He's not thrilled. And now our boy suits up like he's Chef Ramsay about to prepare the greatest course of his life, which to be fair, I think it kind of is. And I think we're looking at a three course meal. I'm naughty. He announces himself as Dr. Heider and he's produced a very nice slideshow presentation for the friends and family to look at. Listen, I'm not a doctor, but from what I'm getting, it seems like he wants to sew these people together, creating some sort of a Siamese triplet and possibly the hottest threesome ever created. It gives the phrase eating ass a whole new meaning, doesn't it, kids? Lindsay somehow gets out of the laboratory, but has a hard time escaping this Willy Wonka-esque house. She makes some questionable choices here too. Such as spending several precious minutes popped out from the side of the bed like a fucking meerkat. What are you doing, lady? Get out of this house. She then trips over her own stupidity and winds up in a pool. How do you not see a pool right in front of you? She tries to reason with the guy saying, let me and my friend Jenny go, just let us go. No mention of the man. She's, I guess she's fine with him keeping one. Thinking fast, Lindsay musters up all of her brain power and ingenuity and quickly goes under water, hoping that the doctor loses her. Unfortunately for her, it didn't throw him off the scent. He's good. He's really good. She came back up and he was still there. She didn't go under water and he's like, where did she go? She must have left the room. I don't know what to do with myself. The power thankfully goes out and this gives her the perfect opportunity to slowly creep around the house. In possibly the dumbest decision ever, she opts to go back into the lab. Keep in mind her friend is completely passed out. So it's a bold strategy, Cotton. She again ignores the guy. So I'm now watching her dumb ass drag her friend up the stairs and around this house. How did she really think this was going to end? Would it not have been more wise to just get the hell out of there and try to find help to come back? Rather than slowly moving your friend's body out the yard and through the woods? I'm now actively hoping this woman gets centipeded. Centipied? I don't know. Oh my God. Wow. I think I'm about to eat my own foolish words. She might make it out of this after. No! Are you out of your fucking mind? There wasn't a chance. No shot she was getting out of this. All right, Pink. Let's get this party started. Doc does some pretty disgusting arts and crafts work with the patients. After a celebratory drink, it's time to unveil his masterpiece. It goes by many names. A human Hydra. The worst gang bang ever. Two girls, one cuck. Human centipad, if you're South Park. And I want to give a big special shout out to the actors in this movie. Brave souls here. I think I would rather act in an actual porno than whatever this is supposed to be. The doctor starts openly weeping. And why shouldn't he? The man made art. You know, when this film started, these ladies were really at each other's throats, arguing in the car, yelling at each other in the woods. The doctor takes over, does his thing. And now I can safely say these two have never been closer. They're also pretty fond of the guy now. Ah, I love bringing people together. He starts training his pets some new tricks. Now he'll sit down for a nice family meal. I'll have what she's having. Gross. Goodie, this is my favorite scene of the film. How should I put this delicately? The front of the train needs to unload some of its cargo. It's too top heavy. Which ultimately means dumping some of those resources into the next cart over. Bon appetit. What a wonderful film. Unfortunately, the back of this trolley is not doing well. And I truly wish more than nothing else that I could show you more of this film. But I do think YouTube's gonna have a hard time with this one, so I'm gonna have to tread lightly. Let's just say there's a lot of pus coming out of the back of that train. I also want to give a big shout out to the gentlemen in this movie. Juggling two women is a tough task. Let alone having them around 24-7 nipping at your heels. I have, believe it or not, limited experience with the ladies, but I know they can become pretty attached. It's like, just get off my ass already. Let's keep going. Dr. Doolittle gets some visitors at his front door. I guess that sure beats the back door, right friends? It's a couple of real Sherlock Holmes motherfuckers. These guys are idiots. Not only does this dude look sketchiest crap, they decide, yeah, we'll have some water from him. Just look at this dude. He looks like the type of person who would sew people's mouths to other's assholes. Dr. Really Strange is unable to roofie these two gentlemen, but he is able to get rid of them successfully. The only problem is he lost his pet centipede in the process. Peek-a-boo, motherfucker! The leader of the group pounces on our doctor with a scalpel to the foot, followed by a Mike Tyson to the ear. I think, and again, I could be wrong about this, but he probably should have also stabbed the doctor like 50 more times in the heart, in the throat, in the face, you know, places that typically result in instant death. But again, what do I know? He's probably dead. Usually in horror movies, the bad guy stays dead. At the end, he doesn't come back for some final reveal. So yeah, we're fine here. They now have to climb a stairwell that looks like fucking Mount Everest. It's a good thing they can take these stairs slowly. They really do have all the time in the world, since the doctor is definitely dead and not going to come back. Oh, he's alive! I gotta tell you, watching these people, sewn, asked to mouth, slowly climbing up stairs while they're being pursued by an evil doctor as they bleed out, crying in pain, is the only way I can achieve climax now. Mondays, am I right? Under better circumstances, these guys would make one hell of a bobsled team. The doctor has entered the arena, and this is hardly a fair fight. It's a 1v3. I know this is disgusting now, but given the trends on social media, I wouldn't be surprised if in a couple years time, this movie comes back as a TikTok challenge. Watch us influencers do the human centipede. Hey guys, it's your boy, A-Double here, just reacting to this human centipede challenge that's going around. This is freaking crazy. Why am I talking into the mic like a fucking idiot? The doctor's tongue is out of control here. It's like a new character. Katsuro unfortunately decides his best option at this point is to mortal combat fatality himself. Doesn't give the doctor the pleasure of finishing the job. If he would have just waited a few more seconds though, the inept cops would have been here to not save the day. Here they are though, guns drawn. And they're both killed. I cannot stress enough how terrible they are at this. Thankfully, before one of the dipshits died, he accidentally got up a shot which went perfectly in between the doctor's eyes, killing him. Until the sequels I assume, somehow he'll be back. They always come back. Meanwhile, the two ladies are still stuck together like they're inside of a Farley Brothers movie. It was a deep cut. Let me know if you got that one. The movie winds down with the middle girl being the only one still left standing or kneeling I guess. And she's gonna cry us right into the end credits. And the director didn't even have to tell her to cry during the scene. She just instinctively started because she's in this film. But does Hoops survive at the end? And if so, what's the quality of life even for someone like that? Does she come back for the sequel? I certainly can't tell you because I didn't watch the sequels and have zero plans to, unless a Mithril or Unobtainium member decides, Adam, it's roast in season. And you got two more of these shit shows to watch. Listen, I'm all for thinking outside the buns when it comes to the concept. But this was a bit much. On top of that, the characters just make really frustrating choices. And I truly can't believe they made three of these. It just goes to show there is an audience for everything. I want to thank Evan one more time for being an awesome supporter on the channel and for producing this video. It was a lot of fun for hopefully someone, not me, for hopefully someone. So from my lips to your ass, thank you very much, Evan. Let me know if you saw The Human Centipede and any thoughts you have about this gem of a film. Perhaps you celebrate the trilogy and you hunger for more. I would appreciate it if you liked and subscribed to the channel if you haven't already and you can even hit a notification bell somewhere on this thing so that these show up in your feed. Lastly, I would encourage you to share this video around or any of my movie roasts or just videos in general. It really does help bring new eyes to the channel. And speaking of eyes, I'm going to go bleach mine now. So I'll see you next time. I won't actually because of the bleach. You got it.