 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted cigarette. This is Don Wilson. The song you just heard has an important message for everyone who smokes. The sure way to get better taste from your cigarette is to make sure you get Lucky Strike. It's toasted to taste better. Of course, the better taste of a lucky begins with fine tobacco, and then that fine tobacco is toasted. It's toasted, the famous Lucky Strike process tones up this naturally mild, good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, a lucky taste better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco, and it's toasted to taste better. So be happy. Go Lucky. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the middle of the Christmas shopping season, and as usual, Jack is going to his favorite department store to purchase gifts for his gang. But before we go Christmas shopping, I'd like to take you to a modest little home in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The home belongs to a department store salesman and his wife. It's five o'clock in the morning. Oh, oh yeah, that same nightmare. I always have it this time of year, Beatrice. Ah, it comes to this door for his Christmas shopping. Yeah, only this dream was voice. I looked at his hands and instead of fingers, he had shoe laces. On one hand, the fingernails were plastic tips, and on the other hand was metal tips. Why do I always have to dream about him? Now, Mel, control yourself. Maybe he won't come into the store this year. Oh, he'll come, he'll come. He's been coming in and driving me nuts for over 15 years. Well, don't worry about it. Maybe he's mellowed. Maybe he'll be kinder now that he's getting old. He was old 15 years ago. You go to the store and during my lunch hour, I'll come down to your department and if you've had any trouble, I'll relieve you. Anyway, there's very little chance of seeing him now that you're in the art department. Yeah, I guess that's right, Beatrice. He don't look like the kind of guy who would go in for painting. He ain't the artistic type. Mr. Benny, you've still got quite a few more names on your Christmas list. Yeah, I still have to get something from my producer and Ms. Livingston now, so you can do your personal shopping. Thank you. And will it be all right if I charge my things to your account? Charge it? What happened to the Christmas bonus I gave you? I lost it. Lost your bonus, gambling? Oh, no. I had a hole in my pocket and rolled down a sewer. Now, wait a minute, Ross. Stop making up jokes. I gave you a $25 check for a Christmas bonus. I know, Mr. Benny, but I can't cash that check until after next Monday. Why not? Me and the check are appearing on you-ass for it. We'll show them. I'll meet you here later, Rochester. Okay. Gee, I still haven't gotten anything from Mary. I know what I'll do. I'll buy her a negligee. Now, where's the negligee department? Oh, that must be the floor walker over there, that man in striped trousers from the cutaway coat. Oh, Mr. Mr. Are you the floor walker? No, I'm a pallbearer, but my handle broke. I didn't come here for a corny conversation. All I want to know is where I can buy a negligee. On the third floor, but I don't think they have anything in your side. Don't be so smart. It's not for me. Oh, for your wife? No, I'm not married. Don't tell me you got to look that way all by yourself. Now, cut that out. Anyway, I don't need you. I'll find it. And the store is so crowded, I don't think I'll ever finish them. Hey, it looks like my orchestra ranger, Maylon Merrick. Hi, Maylon. Oh, hello, Jack. Doing your Christmas shopping, eh? Yes. I'm getting some gifts for the boys in the band. Gee, it's a nuisance, isn't it? Trying to get- On your bun? Long time, no see. Huh? Oh, oh, hello, hello. So long, bud. See you around. Yeah, yeah, goodbye. Jack, Jack, who was that fella? Oh, he's a racetrack tout. He's always trying to talk me out of everything. I got to finish my shopping. So long, Maylon. Oh, just a minute, Jack. Yeah? I'm having a big party on New Year's Eve. I know, I know. You've already invited me. Yes. And I thought that since you've given so many parties, you could help me out a bit. You see, I've already hired a caterer, and I thought you might recommend a good bartender. Well, now that's the silliest thing, Maylon. Spending good money on a bartender. Why don't you get one of the boys in your band? I mean, get Frank Remly. Nobody knows more about drinks than he does. No, I wouldn't try that again, Jack. He was the bartender at the last party I gave. Well, what happened? Well, the first guest to arrive walked up in order to scotch and soda. Uh-huh. Remly bent down, got the scotch, never came up again. No kidding. Well, thanks for inviting me, anyway. I'll see you in New Year's. Good. And Jack, if you run into Don Wilson, see if you can persuade him to come to the party, too. Persuade Don Wilson? Yes. He never wants to go anywhere since he's taking up painting as a hobby. Painting as a hobby? Say, I'm glad you mentioned that, Maylon. I was worried what to get done for Don. You know, last year, I got him a box that dates with nuts in them and everything. Now I'll get him some paints. I'm going to the art department. I'll see you later. They sure have everything for them. The artist here. Where's the salesman? Oh, there he is. Oh, clerk, clerk. Uh, yes, sir. What can I... Oh, it's you again. Huh? How do you find me every year? You got radar or something? I don't know. I don't know. What are you talking about? Gee, he doesn't recognize me. Maybe everything's going to be okay. What are you mumbling about, clerk? Oh, nothing, nothing. What can I do for you, sir? Well, a friend of mine has taken up painting as a hobby, and I'd like to get him a nice set of paints. Oh, oh, very good, sir. Now, now, here's a set that's very popular and reasonable, too. It's only $9.95. Well, gee, those tubes of paint seem very small. Well, that's right. They're very small. See, those tubes of paint seem very small. Well, that's right, sir, but they're the best paints, and in addition to the primary colors, it also contains such exotic colors as vermilion, chartreuse, toycois, cerise, heliotrope, citron, pipe of fuchsia, cardinal red, point d'orrent, mimac blue, and shocking pink. Yeah, it has a lot. See, that's a beautiful color right there. That's the most beautiful color I've ever seen. What do you call it? Money Green. Well, I'll take it. Now, I'd like a gift wrap. Yes, sir. I'll be back in a second with it. Gee. He didn't even recognize me. And he didn't give me the least bit of trouble. In fact, he was real sweet. Oh, boy, I'm lucky. I'll say I'm lucky. This is my lucky day. There. Yeah, that looks pretty. Well, here you are, sir. That'll be ten and a quarter including packs. Ten and a quarter? Yeah, it seems like a lot to pay for just a few paints. Well, not when you consider what you're getting. Most people don't mind paying any extra money for oil paints. They last so much longer than the watercolors. Oh. You have watercolors, too? Me and my big, stupid mouth. I had to tell him, yeah. I couldn't let well enough alone. I had to tell him. Clark, how much is the watercolors, sir? Three ninety-five, but you're... they're not nearer. I don't know. I don't know. Three ninety-five, but you're... they're not near as nice as these are. I don't care. I want to see the watercolors, sir. Okay. Okay, I'll have to climb this ladder to get it. It's on the top shelf. I had to tell him. I had to tell him. I wish I could paint red spots on my face so he'd think I had smallpox and he'd go away. I wish I had smallpox. I wouldn't do any good. This guy's lived so long, he must be immune to everything. He must be immune to everything. He must be immune to everything. But it's my own fault. Here's the watercolour set, Mr. Look at it. Look at it. Say it. This looks okay. But it's only got five colours. Grey, blue, black, red and dirty brown. I don't care. It's three ninety-five and I'll take it. Now gift wrap it and I'll be back. I know you will. I know you will. Let's see. What else do I have to get? Gee, I still haven't gone yet. Yes, what can I do for you, young man? I'd like to buy a Christmas gift for my mother. Well, a negligee is always a very suitable gift. Now here's a lovely one that I'm sure would please your mother. No, she wouldn't like that one. She never wears anything with a low neckline. Oh, is she modest? No, she's tattooed. Well, here's something that might suit your mother more. Gee, that looks nice. Only I'd like it in a brighter colour. You see, my father is always depressed Well, we have a large selection of colours. But tell me, what size does your mother wear? Gee, I don't know. But she's about as tall as you are. Oh, does she have my build? If she did, my father wouldn't need cheering up. How does this one seem? Oh, that looks about the right size. I think she'll like it very much. Will you wrap it up and charge it please? Yes, sir. Now who shall I charge this to? To me, my name is Dennis Day. Dennis Day? The singer? Yes, ma'am. Oh, gee, Mr. Day, I'm one of your most ardent fans. I buy all your records and everything. Why, when I hear you sing, I just quiver and shake all over. Free coins in the fountain. There they lie in the fountain. Which one will the fountain charge? Mr. Day, Mr. Day! I'm not joking. No, I'm really a great admirer of yours. Oh, well, thanks. Thanks a lot. Dennis? Oh, Dennis? Huh? Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Yeah, I heard you're singing. I was away in the other side of the store, but I thought it was a record. Maybe that's because I've got a hole in my head. Well, I gotta run along, Mr. Benny. I still have lots of shopping to do. Same here. So long, kid. Oh, Miss? Miss? Yes, sir? I'd like to get a gift for a girlfriend. Well, just a moment, sir. That man at the end of the counter was here first. Well, that's quite all right. Oh, there you are, Mr. Benny! Did you finish your shopping? Uh-huh. I even got a present for you. Oh, that's nice. What is it? Oh, now wait till Christmas. Oh, come on. Tell me, Rochester. You know, I hate waiting. Is it something I can wear? Uh-huh. Is it something I'd wear above the waist? Uh-huh. A shirt? Nope. Is it something I wear above the shoulders? Uh-huh. I've got it. It's a hat. Well, that's a strange gift to give me. Why should you get me that? Well, I ruined one of your good ones and I threw it in the bendix and all the curls came out of it. Well, don't throw it away. Save it in case I ever get the part of an Indian in a picture. Okay. Are you done with your shopping, Mr. Benny? Not quite, but you know, I always have trouble getting something for Don Wilson, so I think I got him a gift he liked. A set of paints. Oh, he should like that, boss. Whenever he sees me, he talks to me about painting. He's really crazy about that, Harvey. I know, and I got him a lovely set of watercolors. Watercolors? Oh, he's way beyond that. For the past few months, he's been painting with nothing but oils. Are you sure? I'm positive. So Don only uses oil paints. Excuse me, Rochester. I'll see you later. Oh, why? There's no sun up in the sky. Stormy weather. Oh, Clark. Clark. Oh, it's you again. Here's your watercolors. I'll gift wrap them everything. Well, I've changed my mind. I want the oils. No. No. This can't be happening to me. I lead a good life. I'm kind to my mother. It can't be happening. He just cares. Okay. Okay. I'm getting calmer. I'll control myself. Good, good. Only, Mr. Don, don me a favor and tell me something, will you? Certainly. What business are you in? I'm a comedian. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not trying to be funny. I just made a simple request. I want the watercolors changed to oils. Now, please gift wrap them, and I'll be back to pick them up later. Let's see. I got to get Mary's gift, and then, oh, darn it, I'm out of cigarettes. I wonder where I can get some. Oh, there's a cigarette machine at the end of the aisle. There it is. Give it a fancy cigarette machine. Let's see. I ought to have some change. Hey, fun. Fun. Huh? Come here a minute. Who, me? Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? I'm getting a package of cigarettes. What kind? Lucky strikes. Lucky strike, eh? Smart boy. You're putting your dough on to favor it. I know, I know. And it's a great bet across the board. Win place and show? No, cleaner, fresher, smoother. And another thing. What? Come here a minute. Huh? Look at the breeding. The breeding? It's by sold American out of Goldsboro, North Carolina. Well, thanks. Thanks very much. You're going to get a pack of luckies? Am I going to get a pack of luckies? Yeah. Come here a minute. I'm going to get two packs. Two? I'm trying for the daily I'm trying for the daily I'm trying for the daily I'm trying for the daily double. Smart boy. So long and Merry Christmas. Same to you. Same to you. Same to you. If you want better taste in your cigarette Lucky strike is the brand to get. It's toasted, does he? I got the cigarettes. Now I've got to go. Hello, Mr. Penny. Why, Mr. Kitschoff. Who's here? Mr. Kitschoff. Hey, how you come along with your Christmas shopping? Practically finished. Did you buy some nice presents? Wonderful, especially for my magnificent mother-in-law. Oh, your mother-in-law? Yeah, this year I'm giving to my mother-in-law such a gift. I'm proud I thought of it. A trip to Hawaii. Why, Mr. Kitschoff, what a wonderful thing to give a mother-in-law. A round trip to Hawaii. Who said anything about a round trip to Hawaii? Oh, oh, oh. Well, I better run along. Goodbye, Mr. Penny. Okay, well, Merry Christmas, Mr. Kitschoff. Happy you tie to you. Here you are, sir. And I assure you it's a lovely gift. Well, thank you. And I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and do come back again. I don't even know if I'm going to leave. You know, you're one of the most attractive salesmen. Miss, can you please? Hello, Don. Well, hi, Jack. Hey, hey. I'll bet I know something you don't know. What's that? I ran into Bagby, the piano player, and now I know what the boys in the band are going to give you for Christmas. What, what, what? Beautiful set of golf clubs. Oh, isn't that wonderful. I can use a new set. I can hardly wait till Christmas. Well, you may even get them before Christmas if the paint dries. Come on, I'd know who not to play with. What characters they are. By the way, Don, how's your wife? Oh, she's fine now. Now? Yeah, just a few weeks ago she broke out in hives and her eyes were always watering and the doctors didn't know what it was until they found out she had an allergy. Gosh, what was she allergic to? The oil in oil paints. No. Yeah, so now I'm going to have to go back to watercolors. Don? That's right. Excuse me, Don. I've got to go somewhere. Now, Melville, control yourself. I can't, I can't control myself, Beatrice. I'm, I'm going to quit. No, no, Mel. It can't be that bad. Can't be that bad. Look, in the first place, how he finds me I'll never know, but first he buys oil paints, then he changes them to watercolors, then back to oils, then watercolors, then oils. He keeps coming back like a boomerang. I'm going to the office right now, Quinn. No, no, no, look, look, Mel. I'll tell you what to do. You go and take a nice long lunch hour and lie down and I'll take your place at the counter. Well, okay. Okay. When he comes, that's his package of oil paints right there. I'll see you later. Poor Mel gets upset so easily. I can't let him quit now. It'll ruin all our plans. We worked in the store together so long. We met in the store. He even proposed to me in the store. And now we're married. Excuse me. Excuse me, Miss. Yes, sir. What can I do for you? Well, where's the clerk who's usually here? Well, he's gone to lunch, but perhaps I can help you. Well, I'm supposed to have a package of oil paints ready for me. Yes, sir. Wait a minute. This must be the man who's been driving Mel crazy. Yet it can't be. This guy couldn't bother anybody. He's such a kindly-looking old schnook. A package of gift-wrapped oil paints. 10-25, sir. Look, Miss, I changed my mind. I'd like to get a box of watercolors instead. But, sir, you'd wrap the watercolors. The customer's always right. I'll get some watercolors and wrap them and I'll be right back. See, while she's gone, I'd better write out a card for Don. Let's see, I want her to be something clever. Oh, I've got it. To Don Wilson. Here's lots of colors for portraits to paint. But don't paint yourself, because that much there ain't. See, that's cute. People say I need writers. I'll sign a Jack Benny. Oh, Miss, Miss. Ah, here are your watercolors. Isn't that a pretty package? Yes, it is. Now, will you please unwrap it and put this card inside? Card inside? Miss, I went to a lot of trouble unwrapping the other one and gift-wrapping this one. Have a little consideration, will you? The fish. Well, you're just as bad as that idiot clerk who went to lunch. Idiot! Listen, you jerk, you're talking about my Melville. I don't care who I'm talking about. Now unwrap that package and put the card inside. Oh, no, not me. I know all about you. Melville warned me. First you wanted oil paints, then watercolors, then oil paints, then dates with nuts, and then plain dates. Dates? Then plastic tips, then metal tips, then plastic tips, then metal d- Then dates with oil, then plastic water, then shoelace, with nuts. I'll just send Don a card this year. Just before Jack comes back again, here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. If you want better taste from your cigarette Lucky strike is the brand to get It's toasted to give you the best taste Yet it's the toasted cigarette Tobacco It's mild tobacco too And it's toasted Yes, it's toasted Cause the toasting brings the flavor right through So to get better taste from your cigarette Lucky strike is the brand to get It's toasted to give you the best taste Yet it's the toasted cigarette All you have to do is look at a pack of Lucky's friends and you'll see the reasons for Lucky's better taste printed right on it. LS MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco Light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco And it's toasted It's toasted is the famous Lucky strike process that tones up Lucky's fine tobacco Bringing it to its peak of flavor Making it taste even better Cleaner, fresher, smoother So be happy, go Lucky And say a wonderful way to say Merry Christmas to your friends is to give them Lucky's in the beautiful Christmas cartons These special Lucky cartons are handsomely decorated in keeping with the gay spirit of the Yuletide season They're so nice to give, so wonderful to get This Christmas give Lucky strike in Christmas gift cartons Well boss, have you got everything? Yes, I have Say, that's sure a pretty package It looks so Christmasy with all that red paper That's not red paper, that's blood Blood I never thought she'd punch me in the nose Good night, folks Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman And produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks Filter smokers, true tobacco taste Real filtration, famous Tarleton quality They're all yours when you smoke Filter Tip Tarleton Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full rich taste of Tarleton's quality tobacco and real filtration too Because Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration Look for the red, white and blue stripes on the package They identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes