 Day Profundice, by Oscar Wilde, Part 1. Suffering is one very long moment. We cannot divide it by seasons. We can only record its moods and chronicle their return. With us, time itself does not progress. It revolves. It seems to circle round one center of pain. The paralyzing immobility of a life every circumstance of which is regulated after an unchangeable pattern so that we eat and drink and lie down and pray, or kneel, at least for prayer according to the inflexible laws of an iron formula. This immobile quality that makes each dreadful day in the very minutest detail like its brother seems to communicate itself to those external forces, the very essence of whose existence is ceaseless change. Of seed-time or harvest, of the reapers bending over the corn or the grape-gatherers threading through the vines, of the grass in the orchard made white with broken blossoms or strewn with fallen fruit, of these we know nothing and can know nothing. For us there is only one season, the season of sorrow. The very sun and moon seem taken from us. Outside the day may be blue and gold, but the light that creeps down through the thickly muffled glass of the small iron-barred window beneath which one sits is gray and niggered. It is always twilight in one cell as it is always twilight in one's heart. And in the sphere of thought no less than in the sphere of time motion is no more. The thing that you personally have long ago forgotten or can easily forget is happening to me now and will happen to me again tomorrow. Remember this and you will be able to understand a little of why I am writing and in this manner writing. A week later I am transferred here. Three more months go over and my mother dies. No one knew how deeply I loved and honored her. Her death was terrible to me, but I, once a lord of language, have no words and wish to express my anguish and my shame. She and my father had bequeathed me a name that they made noble and honored, not merely in literature, art, archaeology, and science, but in the public history of my own country and its evolution as a nation. I had disgraced that name eternally. I had made it a low byword among low people. I had dragged it through the very mire. I had given it to brutes that they may make it brutal and to fools that they might turn it into a synonym for folly. What I suffered then and still suffer is not for pen to write or paper to record. My wife, always kind and gentle to me, rather than that I should hear the news from a different lips, traveled ill as she was all the way from Genoa to England, to break to me herself the tidings of so irreparable, so irremediable a loss. Messages of sympathy reached me from all who had still affection for me. Some people who had not known me personally, hearing that a new sorrow had broken into my life, wrote to ask that some expression of their condolence should be conveyed to me. Three months go over. The calendar of my daily conduct and labor that hangs on the outside of my cell door with my name and sentence written upon it, tell me that it is May, prosperity, pleasure, and success, may be rough of grain and common in fiber, but sorrow is the most sensitive of all created things. There is nothing that stirs in the whole world of thought to which sorrow does not vibrate in terrible and exquisite pulsation. The thin, beaten-out leaf of tremulous gold that chronicles the direction of forces the eye cannot see is in comparison course. It is a wound that bleeds when any hand but that of love touches it, and even then must bleed again, though not in pain, where there is sorrow there in holy ground. Some day people will realize what that means. They will know nothing of life till they do, and natures like his can realize it. When I was brought down from my prison to the court of bankruptcy between two policemen waited in the long dreary corridor that, before the whole crowd whom in action so sweet and simple hushed into silence, he might gravely raise his hat to me. As handcuffed and with bowed head I passed him by. Men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that. It was in this spirit and with this mode of love that the saints knelt down to wash the feet of the poor or stooped to kiss the leper on the cheek. I have never said one single word to him about what he did. I do not know to the present moment whether he is aware that I was even conscious of his action. It is not a thing for which one can render formal thanks in formal words. I store it in the treasure-house of my heart. I keep it there as a secret debt that I am glad to think I can never possibly repay. It is embalmed and kept sweet by the myrrh and cassia of many tears. When wisdom has been profitless to me, philosophy barren, and the proverbs and phrases of those who have sought to give me consolation as dust and ashes in my mouth, the memory of that little, lovely, silent act of love has unsealed for me all the wells of pity. May the desert blossom like a rose and brought me out of the bitterness of lonely exile into harmony with the wounded, broken, and great heart of the world. When people are able to understand not merely how beautiful its action was, but why it meant so much to me and always will mean so much, then, perhaps, they will realize how and in what spirit they should approach me. The poor are wise, more charitable, more kind, more sensitive than we are. In their eyes, prison is a tragedy in a man's life, a misfortune, a casualty, something that calls for sympathy in others. They speak of one who is in prison as of one who is in trouble simply. It is the phrase they always use, and the expression has the perfect wisdom of love in it. With people of our own rank it is different. With us, prison makes a man a pariah. I, and such as I am, have hardly any right to err in sun. Our present taints the pleasures of others. We are unwelcome when we reappear. To revisit the glimpses of the moon is not for us. Our very children are taken away, those lovely links with humanity are broken. We are doomed to be solitary while our sons still live. We are denied the one thing that might heal us and keep us, that might bring balm to the bruised heart and peace to the soul in pain. I must say to myself that I ruined myself, and that nobody great or small can be ruined except by his own hand. I am quite ready to say so. I am trying to say so, though they may not think it at the present moment. This pitiless indictment I bring without pity against myself. Terrible as was what the world did to me, what I did to myself was far more terrible still. I was a man who stood in symbolic relations to the art and culture of my age. I had realized this for myself at the very dawn of my manhood, and had forced my age to realize it afterwards. Few men hold such a position in their own lifetime, and have it so acknowledged. It is usually discerned if discerned at all by the historian or the critic long after both the man and his age have passed away. With me it was different. I felt it myself and made others feel it. Byron was a symbolic figure, but his relations were to the passion of his age and its weariness of passion. Mine were to something more noble, more permanent, of more vital issue of larger scope. The gods had given me almost everything, but I let myself be lured into long spells of senseless and sensual ease. I amused myself with being a flanner, a dandy, a man of fashion. I surrounded myself with the smaller natures and the meaner minds. I became the spendthrift of my own genius and to waste in eternal youth gave me a curious joy. Tired of being on the heights, I deliberately went to the depths in the search for new sensation. What the paradox was to me in the sphere of thought, perversity became to me in the sphere of passion. Desire at the end was a malady, or a madness, or both. I grew careless of the lives of others. I took pleasure where it pleased me and passed on. I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character and that therefore what one has done in the secret chamber one has someday to cry aloud on the housetop. I ceased to be lured over myself. I was no longer the captain of my soul and did not know it. I allowed pleasure to dominate me. I ended in horrible disgrace. There is only one thing for me now, absolute humility. I have lain in prison for nearly two years. Out of my nature has come wild despair and abandonment to grief that was piteous even to look at terrible and impotent rage, bitterness and scorn, anguish that wept aloud, misery that could find no voice, sorrow that was dumb. I have passed through every possible mood of suffering. Better than Wordsworth himself, I know what Wordsworth meant when he said, Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark, and has the nature of infinity. But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning. Now I find hidden somewhere away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless and suffering least of all, that something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is humility. It is the last thing left in me and the best, the ultimate discovery at which I have arrived, the starting point for a fresh development. It has come to me right out of myself, so I know that it has come at the proper time. It could not have come before nor later. But anyone told me of it, I would have rejected it. Had it been brought to me, I would have refused it. As I found it, I want to keep it. I must do so. It is the one thing that has in it the elements of life, of a new life, vita nuova, for me, of all things that is the strangest. One cannot acquire it except by surrendering everything that one has. It is only when one has lost all things that one knows, that one possesses it. Now I have realized that it is in me. I see quite clearly what I ought to do, in fact, must do. And when I use such a phrase as that, I need not say that I am not alluding to any external sanction or command. I admit none. I am far more of an individualist than I ever was. Everything seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself. My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realization. That is all I am concerned with. And the first thing that I have got to do is to free myself from any possible bitterness of feeling against the world. I am completely penniless and absolutely homeless, yet there are worse things in the world than that. I am quite candid when I say that rather than go out from this prison with bitterness in my heart against the world, I would gladly and readily beg my bread from door to door. If I got nothing from the house of the rich, I would get something at the house of the poor. Those who have much are often greedy. Those who have little always share. I would not a bit mind sleeping in the cool grass in summer, and when winter came on sheltering myself by the warm, closed-thatched rick or under the penthouse of a great barn, provided I had love in my heart. The external things of life seem to me now of no importance at all. You can see to what intensity of individualism I have arrived, or amorizing rather, for the journey is long, and where I walk there are thorns. Of course I know that to ask alms on the highway is not to be my lot, and that, if ever I lie in the cool grass at night time, it will be to write sonnets to the moon. When I go out of prison, R. will be waiting for me on the other side of the big iron-studded gate, and he is the symbol, not merely of his own affection, but of the affection of many others besides. I believe I am to have enough to live on for about eighteen months at any rate, so that if I may not write beautiful books, I may at least read beautiful books, and what joy can be greater. After that, I hope to be able to recreate my creative faculty. But were things different, had I not a friend left in the world, were there not a single house open to me in pity, had I to accept the wallet and ragged cloak of sheer penury, as long as I am free from all resentment, hardness, and scorn, I would be able to face the life with much more calm and confidence that I would, were my body in purple and fine linen, and the soul within me, sick with hate. And I really should have no difficulty. When you really want love, you will find it, waiting for you. I need not say that my test does not end there. It would be comparatively easy if it did. There is much more before me. I have hills far steeper to climb, valleys much darker to pass through, and I have to get it all out of myself. Neither religion, morality, nor reason can help me at all. Morality does not help me. I am a born antinomian. I am one of those who are made for exceptions, not for laws. But while I see that there is nothing wrong in what one does, I see that there is something wrong in what one becomes. It is well to have learned that. Religion does not help me. The faith that others give to what is unseen, I give to what one can touch, and look at. My gods dwell in temples made with hands, and within the circle of actual experience is my creed made perfect and complete, too complete. It may be for like many or all of those who have placed their heaven in this earth. I have found in it not merely the beauty of heaven, but the horror of hell also. When I think about religion at all, I feel as if I would like to have found in order for those who cannot believe. The confraternity of the faithless, one might call it, were on an altar on which no taper burned a priest in whose heart peace had no dwelling might celebrate with unblessed bread and a chalice empty of wine. Everything to be true must become a religion, and agnosticism should have its ritual no less than faith. It has sown its martyrs, it should reap its saints, and praise God daily for having hidden him, self, from man. But whether it be faith or agnosticism, it must be nothing external to me. Its symbols must be of my own creating. Only that is spiritual, which makes its own form. If I may not find its secret within myself, I shall never find it. If I have not got it already, it will never come to me. Reason does not help me. It tells me that the laws under which I am convicted are wrong and unjust laws, and the system under which I have suffered a wrong and unjust system. But somehow I have got to make both of these things just and right to me, and exactly as an art one is only concerned with what a particular thing is at a particular moment to oneself. So it is also in the ethical evolution of one's character. I have got to make everything that has happened to me good for me. The plank bed, the loathsome food, the hard ropes shredded into oakum till one's fingertips grow dull with pain, the menial offices with which each day begins and finishes, the harsh orders that routine seems to necessitate, the dreadful dress that makes sorrow grotesque to look at, the silence, the solitude, the shame. Each and all of these things I have to transform into a spiritual experience. There is not a single degradation of the body which I must not try and make into a spiritualizing of the soul. I want to get to the point when I shall be able to say quite simply and without affectation that the two great turning points of my life were when my father sent me to Oxford and when society sent me to prison. I will not say that prison is the best thing that could have happened to me for that phrase would savor of too great bitterness toward myself. I would sooner say or hear it said of me that I was so typical a child of my age that in my perversity and for that perversity's sake I turned the good things of my life to evil and the evil things of my life to good. What is said, however, by myself or by others matters little. The important thing, the thing that lies before me, the thing that I have to do, if the brief remainder of my days is not to be maimed, marred, and incomplete, is to absorb into my nature all that has been done to me to make it part of me, to accept it without complaint, fear, or reluctance. The supreme vice is shallowness. Whatever is realized is right. When first I was put into prison some people advised me to try and forget who I was. It was ruinous advice. It is only by realizing what I am that I have found comfort of any kind. Now I am advised by others to try on my release to forget that I have ever been in a prison at all. I know that would be equally fatal. It would mean that I would always be haunted by an intolerable sense of disgrace and that those things that are meant for me as much as for anybody else, the beauty of the sun and the moon, the pageant of the seasons, the music of daybreak and the silence of great nights, the rain falling through the leaves or the dew creeping over the grass and making it silver, would all be tainted for me and lose their healing power and their power of communicating joy. To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul. For just as the body absorbs things of all kinds, things common and unclean no less than those that the priest or a vision has cleansed and converts them into swiftness or strength, into the play of beautiful muscles and the molding of fair flesh, into the curves and colors of the hair, the lips, the eye. So the soul in its turn has its nutritive functions also and can transform into noble moods of thought and passions of high import. What in itself is base, cruel and degrading, nay, more find in these its most august modes of assertion and can often reveal itself most perfectly through what was intended to desecrate or destroy? The fact of my having been the common prisoner of a common jail, I must frankly accept and curious as it may seem, one of the things I shall have to teach myself is not to be ashamed of it. I must accept it as a punishment, and if one is ashamed of having been punished, one might just as well never have been punished at all. Of course, there are many things of which I was convicted that I had not done, but then there are many things of which I was convicted that I had done and a still greater number of things in my life for which I was never indicted at all. And as the gods are strange and punish us for what is good and humane in us, as much as for what is evil and perverse, I must accept the fact that one is punished for the good as well as for the evil that one does. I have no doubt that it is quite right one should be. It helps one, or should help one, to realize both and not to be too conceited about either. And if I then am not ashamed of my punishment as I hope not to be, I shall be able to think and walk and live with freedom. Many men on their release carry their prison about with them into the air and hide it as a secret disgrace in their hearts and at length like poor poisoned things creep into some hole and die. It is wretched that they should have to do so, and it is wrong, terribly wrong, of society that it should force them to do so. Society takes upon itself the right to inflict appalling punishment on the individual, but it also has the supreme vice of shallowness and fails to realize what it is done. When the man's punishment is over, it leaves him to himself, that is to say, it abandons him at the very moment when its highest duty towards him begins. It is really ashamed of its own actions, and shuns those whom it has punished, as people shun a creditor whose debt they cannot pay, or one on whom they have inflicted an irreparable and irremediable wrong. I can claim on my side that if I realize what I have suffered, society should realize what it has inflicted on me, and that there should be no bitterness or hate on either side. Of course I know that from one point of view, things will be made different for me than for others must indeed, by the very nature of the case, be made so. The poor thieves and outcasts who are imprisoned here with me are in many respects more fortunate than I am. The little way, in grey city or green field that saw their sin, is small. To find those who know nothing of what they have done, they need go no further than a bird might fly between the twilight and the dawn. But for me, the world is shriveled to a hand's breath, and everywhere I turn, my name is written on the rocks in lead. For I have come, not from obscurity, into the momentary notoriety of crime, but from a sort of eternity of fame to a sort of eternity of infamy, and sometimes seem to myself to have shown, if indeed it required showing, that between the famous and the infamous, there is but one step, if as much as one. Still, in the very fact that people will recognize me wherever I go, and know all about my life as far as its follies go, I can discern something good for me. It will force on me the necessity of again asserting myself as an artist, and as soon as I possibly can. If I can produce only one beautiful work of art, I shall be able to rob malice of its venom and cowardice of its sneer, and to pluck out the tongue of scorn by the roots. End of Part One. This has been a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. Day Profundice by Oscar Wilde, Part Two. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or how to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Day Profundice by Oscar Wilde, Part Two. And if life be, as it surely is a problem to me, I am no less a problem to life. People must adopt some attitude towards me and so past judgment both on themselves and me. I need not say I am not talking of particular individuals. The only people I would care to be with now are artists and people who have suffered, those who know what beauty is, and those who know what sorrow is. Nobody else interests me. Nor am I making any demands on life. In all that I have said I am simply concerned with my own mental attitude towards life as a whole, and I feel that not to be ashamed of having been punished is one of the first points I must attain to for the sake of my own perfection and because I am so imperfect. Then I must learn how to be happy. Once I knew it, or thought I knew it by instinct, it was always springtime once in my heart. My temperament was akin to joy. I filled my life to the very brim with pleasure as one might fill a cup to the very brim with wine. Now I am approaching life from a completely new standpoint, and even to conceive happiness is often extremely difficult for me. I remember during my first term at Oxford, reading in Peter's Renaissance, that book which has had such strange influence over my life, how Dante places low in the inferno those who willfully live in sadness and going to the College Library and turning to the passage in the Divine Comedy, where beneath the dreary marsh lie those who were sullen in the sweet air, saying forever and ever through their sighs, Triste fumo nera dolce c'è d'or la so sregra. I knew the church condemned Asidia, but the whole idea seemed to me quite fantastic, just the sort of sin I fancied, a priest who knew nothing about real life would invent. Nor could I understand how Dante, who says that Sorrow remarries us to God, could have been so harsh to those who were enamored of melancholy, if any such there really were. I had no idea that some day this would become to me one of the greatest temptations of my life. Until I was in Wandsworth Prison, I longed to die. It was my one desire. Then after two months in the infirmary, I was transferred here and found myself growing gradually better in physical health. I was filled with rage. I determined to commit suicide on the very day on which I left prison. After a time, that evil mood passed away, and I made up my mind to live but to wear gloom as a king wears purple, never to smile again, to turn whatever house I entered into a house of mourning, to make my friends walk slowly in sadness with me to teach them that melancholy is the true secret of life, to maim them with an alien sorrow, to mar them with my own pain. Now I feel quite differently. I see it would be both ungrateful and unkind of me to pull so long a face that when my friends came to see me, they would have to make their faces still longer in order to show their sympathy or if I desired to entertain them to invite them to sit down silently to bitter herbs and funeral baked meats. I must learn how to be cheerful and happy. The last two occasions on which I was allowed to see my friends here, I tried to be as cheerful as possible and to show my cheerfulness in order to make them some slight return for their trouble in coming all the way from town to see me. It is only a slight return, I know, but it is the one I feel certain that pleases them most. I saw, are, for an hour on Saturday week, and I tried to give the fullest possible expression of the delight I really felt at our meeting. And that, in the views and ideas I am here shaping for myself, I am quite right as shown to me by the fact that now, for the first time since my imprisonment, I have a real desire for life. There is before me so much to do, that I would regard it as a terrible tragedy if I died before I was allowed to complete at any rate a little of it. I see new developments in art and life, each one of which is a fresh mode of perfection. I long to live so that I can explore what is no less than a new world to me. Do you want to know what this new world is? I think you can guess what it is. It is the world in which I have been living. Sorrow, then, and all that it teaches one, is my new world. I used to live entirely for pleasure. I shuned suffering and sorrow of every kind. I hated both. I resolved to ignore them as far as possible to treat them, that is to say, as modes of imperfection. They were not part of my scheme of life. They had no place in my philosophy. My mother, who knew life as a whole, used often to quote to me Gata's lines, written by Carlisle in a book he had given her years ago and translated by him, I fancy also, who never ate his bread and sorrow, who never spent the midnight hours weeping and waiting for the morrow. He knows you not, ye heavenly powers. They were the lines which that noble queen of Prussia, whom Napoleon treated with such coarse brutality, used to quote in her humiliation and exile. They were the lines my mother often quoted in the troubles of her later life. I absolutely declined to accept or admit the enormous truth hidden in them. I could not understand it. I remember quite well how I used to tell her that I did not want to eat my bread and sorrow or to pass any night weeping and watching for a more bitter dawn. I had no idea that it was one of the special things that the fates had in store for me, that for a whole year of my life, indeed, I was to do little else, but so has my portion been meted out to me and during the last few months I have, after terrible difficulties and struggles, been able to comprehend some of the lessons hidden in the heart of pain. Clergymen and people who use phrases without wisdom sometimes talk of suffering as a mystery. It is really a revelation. One discerns things one never discerned before. One approaches the whole of history from a different standpoint. What one had felt dimly through instinct about art is intellectually and emotionally realized with perfect clearness of vision and absolute intensity of apprehension. I now see that sorrow, being the supreme emotion of which man is capable, is at once the type and test of all great art. What the artist is always looking for is the mode of existence in which soul and body are one and indivisible, in which the outward is expressive of the inward, in which form reveals. Of such modes of existence there are not a few. Youth and the arts preoccupied with youth may serve as a model for us at one moment, at another, we may like to think that in its subtlety and sensitiveness of impression, its suggestion of a spirit dwelling in external things and making its raiment of earth and air of mist and city alike, and in its morbid sympathy of its moods and tones and colors, modern landscape art is realizing for us pictorially what was realized in such plastic perfection by the Greeks. Music in which all subject is absorbed in expression and cannot be separated from it is a complex example and a flower or a child a simple example of what I mean, but sorrow is the ultimate type of both in life and art. Behind joy and laughter there may be a temperament course hard and callous, but behind sorrow there is always sorrow. Pain unlike pleasure wears no mask. Truth in art is not any correspondence between the essential idea and the accidental existence, it is not the resemblance of shape to shadow or of the form mirrored in the crystal to the form itself, it is no echo coming from a hollow hill any more than it is a silver well of water in the valley that shows the moon to the moon and narcissus to narcissus. Truth in art is the unity of a thing with itself, the outward rendered expressive of the inward, the soul made incarnate, the body instinct with spirit. For this reason there is no truth comparable to sorrow. There are times when sorrow seems to me to be the only truth. Other things may be illusions of the eye or of the appetite made to blind the one and cloy the other, but out of sorrow have the world's been built and at the birth of a child or a star there is pain. More than this there is about sorrow an intense and extraordinary reality. I have said of myself that I was one who stood in symbolic relations to the art and culture of my age. There is not a single wretched man in this wretched place along with me who does not stand in symbolic relation to the very secret of life. For the secret of life is suffering, it is what is hidden behind everything. When we begin to live what is sweet is so sweet to us and what is bitter so bitter that we inevitably direct all our desires toward pleasures and seek not merely for a month or twain to feed on honeycomb, but for all our years to taste no other food ignorant all the while that we may really be starving the soul. I remember talking once on this subject to one of the most beautiful personalities I have ever known. A woman whose sympathy and noble kindness to me both before and since the tragedy of my imprisonment have been beyond power and description one who has really assisted me though she does not know it to bear the burden of my troubles more than anyone else in the whole world has and all through the mere fact of her existence through her being what she is partly an ideal and partly an influence a suggestion of what one might become as well as a real help towards becoming it a soul that renders the common air sweet and makes what a spiritual seem as simple and natural as sunlight or the sea one for whom beauty and sorrow walk hand in hand and have the same message on the occasion of which I am thinking I recall distinctly how I said to her that there is enough suffering in one narrow London lane to show that God did not love man and that wherever there was any sorrow though but that of a child in some little garden weeping over fault that it had or had not committed the whole face of creation was completely marred I was entirely wrong she told me so but I could not believe her I was not in a sphere in which such belief was to be attained to now it seems to me that love of some kind is the only possible explanation of the extraordinary amount of suffering that there is in the world I cannot conceive of any other explanation I am convinced that there is no other and that if the world has indeed as I have said been built on sorrow it has been built by the hands of love because in no other way could the soul of man for whom the world was made reach the full stature of its perfection pleasure for the beautiful body but pain for the beautiful soul when I say that I am convinced of these things I speak with too much pride far off like a perfect pearl one can see the city of God it is so wonderful that it it it seems as if a child could reach it in a summer's day and so a child could but with me and such as me it is different one can realize a thing in a single moment but one loses it in the long hours that follow with leaden feet it is so difficult to keep heights that the soul is competent to gain we think in eternity but we move slowly through time and how slowly time goes with us who lie in prison I'd need not tell again nor of the weariness and despair that creep back into one cell and into the cell of one's heart with such strange insistence that one has as it were to garnish and sweep one's house for their coming as for an unwelcome guest or a bitter master or a slave whose slave it is one's chance or choice to be and though at present my friends may find it a hard thing to believe it is true nonetheless that for them living in freedom and idleness and comfort it is more easy to learn the lessons of humility than it is for me who begin the day by going down on my knees and washing the floor of my cell for prison life with its endless privations and restrictions makes one rebellious the most terrible thing about it is not that it breaks one's heart hearts are made to be broken but that it turns one's heart to stone one sometimes feels that it is only with a front of brass and lip of scorn that one can get through the day at all and he who is in a state of rebellion cannot receive grace to use the phrase of which the church is so fond so rightly fond I dare say for in life as an arc the mood of rebellion closes up the channels of the soul and shuts out the airs of heaven yet I must learn these lessons here if I am to learn them anywhere and must be filled with joy if my feet are on the right road and my face set towards the gate which is called beautiful though I may fall many times in the mire and often in the mist go astray this new life as through my love of Dante I like sometimes to call it is of course no new life at all but simply the continuance by means of development and evolution of my formal life I remember when I was at Oxford saying to one of my friends as we were strolling round Magdalene's narrow bird haunted walks one morning in the year before I took my degree that I wanted to eat of the fruit of all the trees in the garden of the world and that I was going out into the world with that passion in my soul and so indeed I went out and so I lived my own mistake was that I confined myself so exclusively to the trees of what seemed to me the sunlit side of the garden and shunned the other side for its shadow and its gloom failure disgrace poverty sorrow despair suffering tears even the broken words that come from lips in pain remorse that makes one walk on thorns conscious that condemns self abasement that punishes the misery that puts ashes on its head the anguish that chooses sackcloth for its raiment and into its own drink puts gall all these were things of which I was afraid and as I had determined to know nothing of them I was forced to taste each of them in turn to feed on them to have for season indeed no other food at all I don't forget for a single moment having lived for pleasure I did it to the full as one should do everything that one does there was no pleasure I did not experience I threw the pearl of my soul into a cup of wine I went down the primrose path to the sound of flutes I lived on honeycomb but to have continued the same life would have been wrong because it would have been limiting I had to pass on the other half of the garden had its secrets for me also of course all this is foreshadowed and prefigured in my books some of it is in the happy prince some of it in the young king notably in the passage where the bishop says to the kneeling boy is not he who made misery wiser than thou art a phrase which when I wrote it seemed to me little more than a phrase a great deal of it is hidden away in the note of doom that like a purple thread runs through the texture of dorian gray in the critic as artist it is set forth in many colors in the soul of man it is written down and letters too easy to read it is one of the refrains whose reoccurring motifs make salome so like a piece of music and bind it together as a ballad in the prose poem of the man who from the bronze of the image of the pleasures that liveth for a moment has to make the image of the sorrow that abideth forever it is incarnate it could not have been otherwise at every single moment of one's life one is what one is going to be no less than what one has been art is a symbol because man is a symbol it is if i can fully attain to it the ultimate realization of the artistic life for the artistic life is simply self-development humility in the artist is his frank acceptance of all experiences just as love in the artist is simply the sense of beauty that reveals to the world its body and its soul in marius the epicurean peter seeks to reconcile the artistic life with the life of religion in the deep sweet and austere sense of the word but marius is little more than a spectator an ideal spectator indeed and one to whom it is given to contemplate the spectacle of life with appropriate emotions which wordsworth defines as the poet's true aim yet a spectator merely and perhaps a little too much occupied with the comeliness of the benches of the sanctuary to notice that it is the sanctuary of sorrow that he is gazing at i see a far more intimate and immediate connection between the true life of christ and the true life of the artist and i take a keen pleasure in the reflection that long before sorrow had made my days her own and bound me to her wheel i had written in the soul of man that he who would lead a christ like life must be entirely and absolutely himself and had taken as my types not merely the shepherd on the hillside and the prisoner in his cell but also the painter to whom the world is a pageant and the poet for whom the world is a song i remember saying once to andre jid as we sat together in some Paris cafe that while metaphysics had but little real interest for me and morality absolutely none there was nothing that either play dough or christ had said that could not be transferred immediately into the sphere of art and there find its complete fulfillment nor is it merely that we can discern in christ that close union of personality with perfection which forms the real distinction between the classical and romantic movement in life but the very basis of his nature was the same as that of the nature of the artist and intense and flame like imagination he realized in the entire sphere of human relations that imaginative sympathy which in the sphere of art is the soul secret of creation he understood the leprosy of the leper the darkness of the blind the fierce misery of those who live for pleasure the strange poverty of the rich someone wrote to me in trouble when you are not on your pedestal you are not interesting how remote was the writer from what Matthew Arnold calls the secret of jesus either would have taught him that whatever happens to another happens to oneself and if you want an inscription to read it dawn and at night time and for pleasure or for pain right up on the walls of your house in letters for the sun to guild and the moon to silver whatever happens to oneself happens to another christ's place indeed is with the poets his whole conception of humanity spring right out of the imagination and can only be realized by it what god was to the pantheist man was to him he was the first to conceive the divided races as a unity before his time there had been gods and men and feeling through the mysticism of sympathy that in himself each had been made incarnate he feels himself the son of the one or the son of the other according to his mood more than anyone else in history he wakes in us that temper of wonder to which romance always appeals there is still something to me almost incredible in the idea of a young galilean peasant imagining that he could bear on his own shoulders the burden of the entire world all that had already been done and suffered and all that was yet to be done and suffered the sins of nero of chaser borja of alexander the sixth and of him who was emperor of rome and priest of the sun the sufferings of those whose names are legion and whose dwelling is among the tombs oppressed nationalities factory children thieves people in prison outcasts those who are dumb under oppression and whose silence is heard only of god and not merely imagining this but actually achieving it so that at the present moment all who come in contact with his personality even though they may neither bow to his altar nor kneel before his priest in some way find that the ugliness of their sin is taken away and the beauty of their sorrow revealed to them i had said of christ that he ranks with the poets that is true shelly and sofocles are of his company but his entire life also is the most wonderful of poems for pity and terror there is nothing in the entire cycle of greek tragedy to touch it the absolute purity of the protagonist raises the entire scheme to a height of romantic art from which the sufferings of thieves and pelops's lines are by their very horror excluded and shows how wrong Aristotle was when he said in his treaties on the drama that it would be impossible to bear the spectacle of one blameless in pain nor an eschulis nor dante though stern masters of tenderness in shakespeare the most purely human of all the great artists in the whole of Celtic myth and legend where the loveliness of the world is shown through a mist of tears and the life of a man is no more than the life of a flower is there anything that for sheer simplicity of pathos wedded and made one with sublimity of tragic effect can be said to equal or even approach the last act of christ's passion the little supper with his companions one of whom has already sold him for a price the anguish in the quiet moonlit garden the false friend coming close to him as to betray him with a kiss the friend who still believed in him and on whom as on a rock he had hoped to build a house of refuge for man denying him as the bird cried to the dawn his own utter loneliness his submission his acceptance of everything and along with it all such scenes as the high priest of orthodoxy rending his raiment in wrath and the magistrate of civil justice calling for water in the vain hope of cleansing himself of that stain of innocent blood that makes him the scarlet figure of history the coronation ceremony of sorrow one of the most wonderful things in the whole of recorded time the crucifixion of the innocent one before the eyes of his mother and of the disciple whom he loved the soldiers gambling and throwing dice for his clothes the terrible death by which he gave the world its most eternal symbol and his final burial in the tomb of the rich man his body swathed in egyptian linen with costly spices and perfumes as though he had been a king's son when one contemplates all this from the point of view of art alone one cannot but be grateful that the supreme office of the church should be the playing of the tragedy without the shedding of blood the mystical presentation by means of dialogue and costume and gesture even of the passion of her lord and it is always a source of pleasure and autonomy to remember that the ultimate survival of the greek chorus lost elsewhere to art is to be found in the servitor answering the priest at mass end of part two this has been a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain day profundice by oscar wild part three this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or how to volunteer please visit libra vox dot org day profundice by oscar wild part three yet the whole life of christ so entirely may sorrow and beauty be made one in their meaning and manifestation is really an idol though it ends with the veil of the temple being rent and the darkness coming over the face of the earth and the stone rolled to the door of the sepulcher one always thinks of him as a young bridegroom with his companions as indeed he somewhere describes himself as a shepherd straying through a valley with his sheep in search of green meadow or cool stream as a singer trying to build out of the music the walls of the city of god or as a lover for whose love the whole world was too small his miracles seem to me to be as exquisite as the coming of spring and quite as natural i see no difficulty at all in believing that such was the charm of his personality that his mere presence could bring peace to souls in anguish and that those who touched his garments or his hands forgot their pain or that as he passed by on the highway of life people who had seen nothing of life's mystery saw it clearly and others who had been deaf to every voice but that of pleasure heard for the first time the voice of love and founded as musical as apollo's loot or that evil passions fled at his approach and men whose dull and imaginative lives had been but a mode of death rose as it were from the grave when he called them or that when he taught on the hillside the multitude forgot their hunger and thirst and the cares of this world and that to his friends who listened to him as he sat at meat the course food seemed delicate and the water had the taste of good wine and the whole house became full of the odor and sweetness of nard renon in his veda jezoo that gracious fifth gospel the gospel according to saint thomas one might call it says somewhere that christ's great achievement was that he made himself as much loved after his death as he had been during his lifetime and certainly if this place is among the poets he is the leader of all the lovers he saw that love was the first secret of the world for which the wise men had been looking and that it was only through love that one could approach either the heart of the leper or the feet of god and above all christ is the most supreme of individualists humility like the artistic acceptance of all experiences is merely a mode of manifestation it is man's soul that christ is always looking for he calls it god's kingdom and finds it in everyone he compares it to little things to a tiny seed to a handful of leaven to a pearl that is because one realizes one soul only by getting rid of all alien passions all acquired culture and all external possessions be they good or evil i bore up against everything with some stubbornness of will and much rebellion of nature till i had absolutely nothing left in the world but one thing i had lost my name my position my happiness my freedom my wealth i was a prisoner and a popper but i still had my children left suddenly they were taken away from me by the law it was a blow so appalling that i did not know what to do so i flung myself on my knees and bowed my head and wept and said the body of a child is as the body of the lord i am not worthy of either that moment seemed to save me i saw them that the only thing for me was to accept everything since then curious as it will no doubt sound i have been happier it was of course my soul in its ultimate essence that i had reached in many ways i had been its enemy but i found it waiting for me as a friend when one comes in contact with the soul it makes one simple as a child as christ said one should be it is tragic how few people ever possessed their souls before they die nothing is more rare in any man says emerson than an act of a zone it is quite true most people are other people their thoughts are someone else's opinions their lives a mimicry their passions a quotation christ was not merely the supreme individualist but he was the first individualist in history people have tried to make him out an ordinary philanthropist or ranked him as an altruist with the scientific and sentimental but he was really neither one nor the other pity he has of course for the poor for those who are shut up in prisons for the lowly for the wretched but he has far more pity for the rich for the hard hedonists for those who waste their freedom in becoming slave to things for those who wear soft raiment and live in king's houses riches and pleasure seem to him to be really greater tragedies than poverty or sorrow and is for altruism who knew better than he that it is vocation not volition that determines us and that one cannot gather grapes of thorns or figs from thistles to live for others as a definite self-conscious aim was not his creed it was not the basis of his creed when he says forgive your enemies it is not for the sake of the enemy but for one's own sake that he says so and because love is more beautiful than hate in his own entreaty to the young man sell all that thou hast and give to the poor it is not of the state of the poor that he is thinking but of the soul of the young man the soul that wealth was marring in his view of life he is one with the artist who knows that by the inevitable law of self-perfection the poet must sing and the sculptor think in bronze and the painter make the world a mirror for his moods as surely and is certainly as the hawthorn must blossom in spring and the corn turned to gold at harvest time and the moon in her ordered wanderings change from shield to sickle and from sickle to shield but while christ did not say to men live for others he pointed out that there was no difference at all between the lives of others and one's own life by this means he gave to man and extended a titan personality since his coming the history of each separate individual is or can be made the history of the world of course culture has intensified the personality of man art has made us married minded those who have the artistic temperament go into exile with tante and learn how salt is the bread of others and how steep their stairs they catch for a moment the serenity and calm of getta and yet know but too well that botolair cried to god oh senor don is malaforset courage de contempler mon quartet mon coeur sans digu out of shakespeare's sonnets they draw to their own hurt it may be the secret of his love and make it their own they look with new eyes on modern life because they have listened to one of Chopin's nocturnes or handled greek things or read the story of the passion of some dead man for some dead woman whose hair was like threads of fine gold and whose mouth was as a pomegranate but the sympathy of the artistic temperament is necessarily with what has found expression in words or in colors in music or in marble behind the painted masks of an ischulian play or through some Sicilian shepherds's pierced and jointed reads the man and his message must have been revealed to the artist expression is the only mode under which he can conceive life at all to him what is dumb is dead but to christ it was not so with a width of wonder of imagination that fills one almost with awe he took the entire world of the inarticulate the voiceless world of pain and his kingdom and made of himself its eternal mouthpiece those of whom i have spoken who are dumb under oppression and whose silence is heard only of god he chose as his brothers he sought to become eyes to the blind ears to the deaf and a cry in the lips of those whose tongues had been tied his desire was to be to the myriads who had found no utterance a very trumpet through which they might call to heaven and feeling with the artistic nature of one to whom suffering and sorrow were modes through which he could realize his conception of the beautiful that an idea is of no value till it becomes incarnate and is made an image he made of himself the image of the man of sorrows and is such has fascinated and dominated art as no greek god ever succeeded in doing for the greek gods in spite of the white and red of their fair fleet limbs were not really what they appeared to be the curved brow of apollo was like the sun's disk crescent over a hill at dawn and his feet were as the wings of the morning but he himself had been cruel to marcius and had made neoby childless in the steel shields of athena's eyes there had been no pity for arachne the pomp and peacocks of hera were all that was really noble about her and the father of the guides himself had been too fond of the daughters of men the two most deeply suggestive figures of greek mythology were for religion demeter and earth goddess not one of the olympians and for art Dionysus the son of a mortal woman to whom the movement of his birth had proved also the moment of her death but life itself from its lowliest and most humble sphere produced one far more marvelous than the mother of prosopina or the son of semily out of the carpenter shop at nasirith had come a personality infinitely greater than any made by myth and legend and one strangely enough destined to reveal to the world the mystical meaning of wine and the real beauties of the lilies of the field as none either on citharan or at enna had ever done the song of isiah he is despised and rejected of men a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and we hid as it were our faces from him had seemed to him to prefigure himself and in him the prophecy was fulfilled we must not be afraid of such a phrase every single work of art is in the fulfillment of a prophecy for every work of art is the conversation of an idea into an image every single human being should be the fulfillment of a prophecy for every human being should be the realization of some ideal either in the mind of god or in the mind of man christ found the type and fixed it and the dream of a virgillian poet either at christ or at babelon became in the long progress of the centuries incarnate in him for whom the world was waiting to me one of the things in history the most to be regretted is that the christ's own renaissance which has produced the cathedral at shartra the arthurian cycle of legends the life of st francis of assisi the art of jado and dante's divine comedy was not allowed to develop on its own lines but it was interrupted and spoiled by the dreary classical renaissance that gave us petrarch and rafael's frescoes and palladian architecture and formal french tragedy and st paul's cathedral and pope's poetry and everything that is made from without and by dead rules and does not spring from within through some spirit informing it but wherever there is a romantic movement in art there is somehow and under some form is christ or the soul of christ he is in romeo and juliette in the winter's tale in provencal poetry in the ancient mariner in labelle dame saint's mercy and in shatterton's ballad of charity we owe to him the most diverse things and people who goes le mesrable bordelaire's flor de maul the note of pity in russian novels verlane and verlane's poems the stained glass and tapestries and the quattrocento work of bern johns and morris belonging to him no less than the tower of jado lancelot and guinevere tanhouser the troubled romantic marbles of michelangelo pointed architecture and the love of children and flowers for both of which indeed in classical art there was but little place hardly enough for them to grow or play in but which from the 12th century down to our own day have been continually making their appearances in art under various modes and at various times coming fitfully and willfully as children as flowers are apt to do spring always seems to one as if the flowers had been in hiding and only came out into the sun because they were afraid that grown-up people would grow tired of looking at them and give up the search and the life of a child being no more than an april day on which there is both rain and sun for the narcissist it is the imaginative quality of christ's own nature that makes him this palpitating center of romance the strange figures of poetic drama and ballader made by the imagination of others but out of his own imagination entirely did jesus of nazareth create himself the cry of isaiah had really no more to do with his coming than the song of the nightingale has to do with the rising of the moon no more though perhaps no less he was the denial as well as the affirmation of prophecy for every expectation that he fulfilled there is another that he destroyed in all beauty says bacon there is some strangeness of proportion and of those who are born of the spirit of those that is to say who like himself are dynamic forces christ says that they are like the wind that blow with word listen and no man can tell whence it cometh and whether it go with that is why he is so fascinating to artists he has all the color elements of life mystery strangeness pathos suggestion ecstasy love he appeals to the temper of wonder and creates that mood in which alone he can be understood and to me it is a joy to remember that if he is of imagination all compact the world itself is of the same substance i said in dorian gray that the great sins of the world take place in the brain but it is in the brain that everything takes place we know now that we do not see with the eyes or hear with the ears they are really channels for the transmission adequate or inadequate of sense impressions it is in the brain that the poppy is read that the apple is odorous that the skylark sings of late i have been studying with diligence the four prose poems about christ at christmas i managed to get a hold of a greek testament and every morning after i had cleaned my cell and polished my tins i read a little of the gospels a dozen verses taken by chance anywhere it is a delightful way of opening up the day everyone even in a turbulent ill-disciplined life should do the same endless repetition in and out of season has spoiled for us the freshness the naivete the simple romantic charm of the gospels we hear them read far too often and far too badly and all repetition is anti-spiritual when one returns to the greek it is like going into a garden of lilies out of some narrow and dark house and to me the pleasure is doubled by the reflection that it is extremely probable that we have the actual terms the ipsissima verba used by christ it was always supposed that christ talked in aramaic even renan thought so but now we know that the galilean peasants like the irish peasants of our own day were bilingual and that greek was the ordinary language of intercourse all over palestine as indeed all over the eastern world i never liked the idea that we knew of christ's own words only through a translation of a translation it is a delight to me to think that as far as his conversation was concerned charmedes might have listened to him and socrates reasoned with him and plato understood him that he really said egoemi aquamen acalos that when he thought of the lilies of the field and how they neither toil nor spin his absolute expression was kathamafatet takrina tuhagru how saxane u copio udonave and that his last word when he cried out my life has been completed has reached its fulfillment has been perfected was exactly as saint john tells us it was te telestai no more while in reading the gospels particularly that of saint john himself or whatever early gnostic took his name in mantle i see the continual assertion of the imagination as the basis of all spiritual and material life i see also that to christ's imagination was simply a form of love and that to him love was lord in the fullest meaning of the phrase some six weeks ago i was allowed by the doctor to have white bread to eat instead of the coarse black or brown bread of ordinary prison fare it is a great delicacy it will sound strange that dry bread could possibly be a delicacy to anyone to me it is so much so that at the close of each meal i carefully eat whatever crumbs may be left on my tin plate or have fallen on the rough towel that one uses as a cloth so as not to soil one's table and i do so not from hunger i get now quite sufficient food but simply in order that nothing should be wasted of what is given to me so one should look on love christ like all fascinating personalities had the power of not merely saying beautiful things himself but of making other people say beautiful things to him and i love the story saint mark tells us about the greek woman who when as a trial of her faith he said to her that he could not give her the bread of the children of israel answered him that the little dogs kuvapia little dogs that should be rendered who are under the table eat of the crumbs that the children let fall most people live for love and admiration but it is by love and admiration that we should live if any love is shown us we should recognize that we are quite unworthy of it nobody is worthy to be loved the fact that god loves man shows us that in the divine order of ideal things it is written that eternal love is to be given to what is eternally unworthy or if that phrase seems to be a bitter one to bear let us say that everyone is worthy of love except him who thinks that he is love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling and domine non-soon dignus should be on the lips and in the hearts of those who receive it if ever i write again in the sense of producing artistic work there are just two subjects on which and through which i desire to express myself one is christ as the precursor of the romantic movement in life the other is the artistic life considered in its relation to conduct the first is of course intensely fascinating for i see in christ not merely the essentials of the supreme romantic type but all the accidents the willfulness is even of the romantic temperament also he was the first person whoever said to people that they should live flower-like lives he fixed the phrase he took children as the type of what people should try to become he held them up as examples to their elders which i myself have always thought the chief use of children if what is perfect should have a use dante describes the soul of a man as coming from the hand of god weeping and laughing like a little child and christ also saw that the soul of each one should be a guiza defensula cheap el gendo redondo pageologia he felt that life was changeful fluid active and that to allow it to be stereotyped into any form was death he saw that people should not be too serious over material common interest that to be unpractical was to be a great thing that one should not bother too much over fairs the birds didn't why should man he is charming when he says take no thought for the morrow is not the soul more than meat is not the body more than raiment a greek might have used the letter phrase it is full of greek meaning but only christ could have said both and so summed up life perfectly for us his morality is all sympathy just what morality should be if the only thing that he ever said had been her sins are forgiven her because she loved much it would have been worthwhile dying to have said that his justice is all poetical justice exactly what justice should be the beggar goes to heaven because he has been unhappy i cannot conceive a better reason for his being sent there the people who work for an hour in the vineyard in the cool of the evening received just as much reward as those who have toiled there all day long in the hot sun why shouldn't they probably no one deserved anything or perhaps they were a different kind of people christ had no patience with the dull lifeless mechanical systems that treat people as if they were things and so treat everybody alike for him there were no laws there were exceptions merely as if anybody or anything for that matter was like ought else in the world that which is the very keynote of romantic art was to him the proper basis of natural life he saw no other basis and when they brought him one taken in the very act of sin and showed him her sentence written in the law and asked him what was to be done he wrote with his finger on the ground as though he did not hear them and finally when they pressed him again looked up and said let him of you who has never sent be the first to throw the stone at her it was worth while living to have said that like all poetical natures he loved ignorant people he knew that in the soul of one who is ignorant there is always room for a great idea but he could not stand stupid people especially those who are made stupid by education people who are full of opinions not one of which they even understand a peculiarly modern type summed up by christ when he described it as the type of one who has the key of knowledge cannot use it himself and does not allow other people to use it though it may be made to open the gate of god's kingdom his chief war was against the philistines that is the war every child of light has to wage philistinism was the note of the age and community in which he lived in their heavy inaccessibility to ideas their dull respectability their tedious orthodoxy their worship of vulgar success their entire preoccupation with the gross materialistic side of life and their ridiculous estimate of themselves and their importance the Jews of Jerusalem in christ's day were the exact counterpart of the british philistine of our own christ mocked at the whited sepulcher of respectability and fixed that phrase forever he treated worldly success as a thing absolutely to be despised he saw nothing in it at all he looked on wealth as an encumbrance to man he would not hear of life being sacrificed to any system of thought or morals he pointed out that forms and ceremonies were made for man not man for forms or ceremonies he took sabbatarianism as a type of things that should be set at naught the cold philanthropies the ostentatious public charities the tedious formalisms so dear to the middle class mind he exposed with utter and relentless scorn to us what is termed orthodoxy is merely a facile unintelligent acquiescence but to them and in their hands it was a terrible and paralyzing tyranny christ swept it aside he showed us that the spirit alone was of value he took a keen pleasure in pointing out to them that though they were always reading the law and the prophets they had not really the smallest idea of what either of them meant in opposition to their tithing of each separate day into the fixed routine of prescribed duties as they tithe mint and rue he preached the enormous importance of living completely for the moment those whom he saved from their sins are saved simply for beautiful moments in their life mary magdalene when she sees christ breaks the rich vahs of alabaster that one of her seven lovers had given her and spills the odorous spices over his tired dusty feet and for that one moment's sake sits forever with ruth and beatrice in the tresses of the snow white rows of paradise all that christ says to us by the way of a little warning is that every moment should be beautiful that the soul should always be ready for the coming of the bright groom always waiting for the voice of the lover philistinism being simply that side of man's nature that is not illumined by the imagination he sees all the lovely influences of life as modes of light the imagination itself is the world of light the world is made by it and yet the world cannot understand it that is because the imagination is simply a manifestation of love and it is love in the capacity for it that distinguishes one human being from another end of part three this has been a labor vox recording all labor vox recordings are in the public domain day profundis by oscar wild part four this is a labor vox recording all labor vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or how to volunteer please visit liberivox.org day profundis by oscar wild part four but it is when he deals with the sinner that christ is most romantic in the sense of most real the world had always loved the saint as being the nearest possible approach to the perfection of god christ through some divine instinct in him seems to have always loved the sinner as being the nearest possible approach to the perfection of man his primary desire was not to reform people anymore than his primary desire was to relieve suffering to turn an interesting thief into a tedious honest man was not his aim he would have thought little of the prisoners aid society and other modern movements of the kind the conversation of a publican into a Pharisee would not have seemed to him a great achievement but in a manner not yet understood of the world he regarded sin and suffering as being in themselves beautiful holy things and modes of perfection it seems a very dangerous idea it is all great ideas are dangerous that it was christ's creed admits of no doubt that it is the true creed i don't doubt myself of course the sinner must repent but why simply because otherwise he would be unable to realize what he had done the moment of repentance is the moment of initiation more than that it is the means by which one alters ones past the Greeks thought that impossible they often say in their nomic aphorisms even the gods cannot alter the past christ showed that the commonest sinner could do it that it was the one thing he could do christ had he been asked would have said i feel quite certain about it that the movement the prodigal son fell on his knees and wept he made his having wasted his substance with harlots his swine herding and hungering for the husks they ate beautiful and holy moments in his life it is difficult for most people to grasp the idea i dare say one has to go to prison to understand it if so it may be worthwhile going to prison there is something so unique about christ of course just as there are fall stones before the dawn itself and winter days so full of sudden sunlight that they will cheat the wise crocus into squandering its gold before its time and make some foolish bird called to its mate to build on barren boughs so there were christians before christ for that we should be grateful the unfortunate thing is that there have been nonsense i make one exception saint francis of a cc but then god had given him at his birth the soul of a poet as he himself when quite young had in mystical marriage taken poverty as his bride and with the soul of a poet and the body of a beggar he found the way to perfection not difficult he understood christ and so became like him we do not require the librikan for mitatum to teach us that the life of saint francis was the true imitatio christi a poem compared to which the book of that name is merely prose indeed that is the charm about christ when all is said he is just like a work of art he does not really teach one anything but by being brought into his presence one becomes something and everybody is predestined to his presence once at least in his life each man walks with christ to emails as regards the other subject the relation of the artistic life to conduct it will no doubt seem strange to you that i should select it people point to reading jail and say that is where the artistic life leads a man well it might lead to worse places the more mechanical people to whom life is a shrewd speculation depending on a careful calculation of ways and means always know where they are going and go there they start with the ideal desire of being the perish beetle and in whatever sphere they are placed they succeed in being the perish beetle and no more a man whose desire is to be something separate from himself to be a member of parliament or a successful grocer or a prominent solicitor or a judge or something equally tedious invariably succeeds in being what he wants to be that is his punishment those who want to mask have to wear it but with the dynamic forces of life and those in whom those dynamic forces become incarnate it is different people whose desire is solely for self-realization never know where they are going they can't know in one sense of the word it is of course necessary as the greek oracle said to know oneself that is the first achievement of knowledge but to recognize that the soul of a man is unknowable is the ultimate achievement of wisdom the final mystery is oneself when one has weighed the sun and the balance and measured the steps of the moon and mapped out the seven heavens star by star there still remains oneself who can calculate the orbit of his own soul when the sun went out to look for his father's asses he did not know that a man of god was waiting for him with the very chrism of coronation and that his own soul was already the soul of a king i hope to live long enough and to produce work of such a character that i shall be able at the end of my days to say yes this is just where the artistic life leads a man two of the most perfect lives i have come across in my own experience are the lives of verlaine and of prince kropotkin both of the men who have past years in prison the first the one christian poet sinc dante the other a man with the soul of that beautiful white christ which seems coming out of russia and for the last seven or eight months in spite of a succession of great troubles reaching me from the outside world almost without intermission i have been placed in direct contact with a new spirit working in this prison through man and things that has helped me beyond any possibility of expression and words so that while for the first year of my imprisonment i did nothing else and can remember doing nothing else but wring my hands an impotent despair and say what an ending what an appalling ending now i try to say to myself and sometimes when i am not torturing myself do really and sincerely say what a beginning what a wonderful beginning it may really be so it may become so if it does i shall owe much to this new personality that has altered every man's life in this place you may realize it when i say that had i been released last may as i tried to be i would have let this place loathing it and every official in it with a bitterness of hatred that would have poisoned my life i have had a year longer of imprisonment but humanity has been in the prison along with us all and now when i go out i shall always remember great kindnesses that i have received here from almost everybody and on the day of my release i shall give many thanks to many people and ask to be remembered by them in turn the prison style is absolutely and entirely wrong i would give anything to be able to alter it when i go out we are the zanies of sorrow we are clowns whose hearts are broken we are specially designed to appeal to the sense of humor on november 13th 1895 i was brought down here from london from two o'clock till half past two on that day i had to stand on the center platform of clapham junction in convict dress and handcuffed for the world to look at i had been taken out of the hospital ward without a moment's notice being given to me of all possible objects i was the most grotesque when people saw me they laughed each train as it came up swelled the audience nothing could exceed their amusement that was of course before they knew who i was as soon as they had been informed they laughed still more for half an hour i stood there in the gray november rain surrounded by a jeering mob for a year after that was done to me i wept every day at the same hour and for the same space of time that is not such a tragic thing as possibly it sounds to you to those who are in prison tears are a part of every day's experience a day in prison on which one does not weep is a day on which one's heart is hard not a day on which one's heart is happy well now i am beginning to feel more regret for the people who laughed than for myself of course when they saw me i was not on my pedestal i was in the pillory but it is a very unimaginative nature that only cares for people on their pedestals a pedestal may be a very unreal thing a pillory is a terrific reality they should have known also how to interpret sorrow better i have said that behind sorrow there is always sorrow it were wiser still to say that behind sorrow there is always a soul and to mock at a soul in pain is a dreadful thing in the strangely simple economy of the world people only get what they give and to those who have not enough imagination to penetrate the mere outward of things and feel pity what pity can be given save that of scorn i write this account of the mode of my being transferred here simply that it should be realized how hard it has been for me to get anything out of my punishment but bitterness and despair i have however to do it and now and then i have moments of submission and acceptance all the spring may be hidden in the single bud and the low ground nest of the lark may hold the joy that is to herald the feet of many rose red dawns so perhaps whatever beauty of life still remains to me is contained in some moment of surrender abasement and humiliation i can at any rate merely proceed on the lines of my own development and accepting all that has happened to me make myself worthy of it people used to say of me that i was too individualistic i must be far more of an individualist than i ever was i must get far more out of myself than ever i got and ask far less of the world than ever i asked indeed my ruin came not from too great individualism of life but from too little the one disgraceful unpardonable and to all time contemptible action of my life was to allow myself to appeal to society for help and protection to have made such an appeal would have been from the individualist point of view bad enough but what excuse can there ever be put forward for having made it of course once i had put into motion the forces of society society turned on me and said have you been living all this time in defiance of my laws and do you now appeal to those laws for protection you shall have those laws exercised to the full you shall abide by what you have appealed to the result is i am in jail certainly no man ever fell so ignobley and by such ignoble instruments as i did the philistine element in life is not the failure to understand art charming people such as fishermen shepherds ploughboys peasants and the like know nothing about art and are the very salt of the earth he is the philistine who upholds and aids the heavy cumbrous blind mechanical forces of society and who does not recognize dynamic force when he meets it either in a man or a movement people thought a dreadful of me to have entertained at dinner the evil things of life and to have found pleasure in their company but then from the point of view through which i as an artist in life approached them they were delightfully suggestive and stimulating the danger was half the excitement my business as an artist was with ariel i set myself to wrestle with caliban a great friend of mine a friend of 10 years standing came to see me some time ago and told me that he did not believe a single word of what was said against me and wished me to know that he considered me quite innocent and the victim of a hideous plot i burst into tears at what he said and told him that while there was much amongst the definite charges that was quite untrue and transferred to me by revolting malice still that my life had been full of perverse pleasures and that unless he accepted that as a fact about me and realized it to the full i could not possibly be friends with him anymore or ever be in his company it was a terrible shock to him but we are friends and i have not got his friendship on false pretentious emotional forces as i say somewhere in intentions are as limited in extent and duration as the forces of physical energy the little cup that is made to hold so much can hold so much and no more though all the purple vats of burgundy be filled with wine to the brim and the treaders stand knee deep in the gathered grapes of the stony vineyards of spain there is no error more common than that of thinking that those who are the causes of occasions of great tragedy share in the feeling suitable to the tragic mood no error more fatal than expecting it of them the martyr in his shirt of flame may be looking on the face of god but to him who is piling the faggots or loosening the logs for the blast the whole scene is no more than the slaying of an ox is to the butcher or the felling of a tree to the charcoal burner in the forest or the fall of a flower to one who is mowing down the grass with a scythe great passions are for the great of soul and great events can be seen only by those who are on a level with them i know of nothing in all drama more incomparable from the point of view of art nothing more suggestive in its subtlety of observation than shakespeare's drawing of rosencrans and gildenstern they are hamlet's college friends they have been his companions they bring with them memories of pleasant days together at the moment when they come across him in the play he is staggering under the weight of a burden intolerable to one of his temperament the dead have come armed out of the grave to impose on him a mission at once too great and too mean for him he is a dreamer and he is called upon to act he has the nature of a poet and he is asked to grapple with the common complexity of cause and effect with life in its practical realization of which he knows nothing not with life in its ideal essence of which he knows so much he has no conception of what to do and his folly is to feign folly brutus used madness as a cloak to conceal the sword of his purpose the dagger of his will but the hamlet madness is a mere mask for the hiding of weakness in the making of fancies and chests he sees a chance of delay he keeps playing with action as an artist plays with the theory he makes himself the spy of his proper actions and listening to his own words knows them to be but words words words instead of trying to be the hero of his own history he seeks to be the spectator of his own tragedy he disbelieves in everything including himself and yet his doubt helps him not as it comes not from skepticism but from a divided will of all this gilden stern and rosin crans realize nothing they bow and smirk and smile and what the one says the other echoes with sickliest intonation when at last by means of the play within the play and the puppets and their dalliance hamlet catches the conscience of the king and drives the wretched man in terror from his throne gilden stern and rosin crans see no more in his conduct than a rather painful breach of court etiquette that is as far as they can attain to in the contemplation of the spectacle of life with appropriate emotions they are close to his very secret and know nothing of it nor would there be any use in telling them they are the little cups that can hold so much and no more towards the close that has suggested that caught in a cunning spring set for another they have met or may meet with a violent and sudden death but a tragic ending of this kind though touched by hamlet's humor with something of the surprise and justice of comedy is really not for such as they they never die horatio who in order to report hamlet and his cause of right to the unsatisfied absents him from felicity a while and in this harsh world draws his breath in pain dies but gilden stern and rosin crans are as immoral as angelo and tartuf and should rank with them they are what modern life has contributed to the antique ideal of friendship he who writes a new dm sessia must find a niche for them and praise them in tusculin prose they are types fixed for all time to censure them would show a lack of appreciation they are merely out of their sphere that is all in sublimity of soul there is no contagion high thoughts and high emotions are by their very existence isolated i am to be released if all goes well with me towards the end of may and hope to go at once to some little seaside village abroad with r and m the sea as euripides says in one of his plays about ifeginia washes away the stains and wounds of the world i hope to be at least a month with my friends and to gain peace and balance and a less troubled heart and a sweeter mood i have a strange longing for the great simple primeval things such as the sea to mean no less of a mother than the earth it seems to me that we all look at nature too much and live with her too little i discern great sanity in the greek attitude they never chattered about sunsets or discussed whether the shadows on the grass were really mauve or not but they saw that the sea was for the swimmer and the sand for the feet of the runner they loved the trees for the shadow that they cast and the forest for its silence at noon the vineyard dresser wreathed his hair with ivy that he might keep off the rays of the sun as he stooped over the young shoots and for the artist and the athlete the two types that grease gave us they plaited with garlands the leaves of the bitter laurel and of the wild parsley which else had been of no service to men we call ours a utilitarian age and we do not know the uses of any single thing we have forgotten that water can cleanse and fire purify and that the earth is mother to us all as a consequence our art is of the moon and plays with shadows while greek art is of the sun and deals directly with things i feel sure that in elemental forces there is purification and i want to go back to them and live in their presence of course to one so modern as i am in fond du mon cycle merely to look at the world will be always lovely i tremble with pleasure when i think that on the very day of my leaving prison both the labyrinum and the lilac will be blooming in the gardens and that i shall see the wind stir into restless beauty the swaying gold of the one and make the other toss the pale purple of its plumes so that all the air shall be arabia for me leneus fell on his knees and wept for joy when he saw for the first time the long heath of some english upland made yellow with the tawny aromatic blooms of the common furs and i know that for me to whom flowers are part of desire there are tears waiting in the petals of some rose it has always been so with me from my boyhood there is not a single color hidden away in the chalice of a flower or the curve of a shell to which by some subtle sympathy with the very soul of things my nature does not answer like gotier i have always been one of those pour qui le monde visibly exist still i am conscious now that behind all this beauty satisfying though it may be there is some spirit hidden of which the painted forms and shapes are but modes of manifestation and it is with this spirit that i desire to become in harmony i have grown tired of the articulate utterances of men and things the mystical in art the mystical in life the mystical in nature this is what i am looking for it is absolutely necessary for me to find it somewhere all the trials are trials for one's life just as all sentences are sentences of death and three times have i been tried the first time i left the box to be arrested the second time to be led back to the house of detention the third time to pass into a prison for two years society as we have constituted it will have no place for me has none to offer but nature whose sweet rains fall on unjust and just alike will have clefts in the rocks where i may hide and secret valleys in whose silence i may weep undisturbed she will hang the night with stars so that i may walk abroad in the darkness without stumbling and send the wind over my footprints so that none may track me to my hurt she will cleanse me in great waters and with bitter herbs make me whole the end this is the end of day profundis by oscar wild read by erin elliott st louis missouri