 Hello, my name is Jeremiah Sumerian and welcome back to harsh critique today We have another patreon banker requested harsh critique by dr. Warp star and this is You know sometimes on the scp wiki I see feedback That's like your character is a Mary Sue and I think to myself shut the fuck up come on Every female character who's competent at their job is labeled a Mary Sue at some point or another and some male characters Who are newly introduced named as Marty stews? So like it gets overused a lot on the scp wiki, but guess the fuck what now? I'm going to harsh critique a tale which Contains a clear example of a Mary Sue. It's called all is bright and it starts with December 16th 2000 and Blank it's black boxed in a tale for no reason. You can't just give me a year What's the problem if you say it's 2010? Will I suddenly no longer understand your story? Let me get this straight. Well, that's a good way to start the tale Because I'm like, oh really? Let me get this straight Ethics director Lorelai stared at the grinning face in front of her you want to sing at the site holiday party Yes, I want to sing an old favorite of mine. Dr. Bright wore a cheery smile and was decked in festive accessories The ethics director looked at her clipboard and though she felt a foreboding about the idea She wrote him in at the bottom of the list So we're introducing a brand new character and we're making them essentially a boss of a long Established character. This is a classic example of Mary Sue writing Don't fucking do this If you want to introduce a new character don't introduce them as the bosses of all the characters everybody already knows It feels like that should be obvious But everybody wants to be Important from the get-go when I wrote Dr. Sumerian as a character at first He was just a bit player like just love like a level three Guy doing a little bit of work in the ethics committee and then it slowly ramped up and ramped up And now because he's used on the side of almost the only ethics committee liaison he's he's like the ethics guy but It took a while to build up to that level of seniority literally It's like it's literally like working at the foundation. You got to start small and work your way up And that's true of all fandoms If you want to build a fan work you want to build a fan character do it It's no problem in the sep wiki. We're cool with that Just don't make them the boss from the get-go and start telling other people what to do Oh boy You will get the last performance of the talent show and I'm going to trust you not to pull any of your usual antics Question mark at the end of that sentence, which makes no sense Her glare attempted to cook him all the way through that is an odd choice of phrase But he seemed either unaffected or too dense to have its desired effect think that's gonna go over well like Look understanding Extent characters is sort of important if you're going to write them into your stories There is no canon than the sep wiki, but I think most people who are going to read your tale Just understand your audience, right? You're gonna draw people in because they're gonna be like, oh, it's a tale about bright If you insult bright in the tale and not in like a character insulting bright, but the narrator insults bright People who came for bright are not gonna like your story That's just dumb I Wouldn't dream of it director. I've turned over a new leaf. I promise no ending the world. No harassment. No Really bright screamed as Lorelai pushed a pin into his throat pinning him to the wall Yep That's a real thing So we have a one big problem here. Let's just let's oh god Beyond the obvious stupidity. Let's talk about the problem with the scene placement And this is a serious issue with all of it. It's a serious issue in a lot of Mary Sue stories Yeah, we have a white room problem going on here and I I'm guilty of this periodically But I try to anchor a scene in like Something describe something in the room for people to build around and usually something that evokes a particular sense like Smell or sight like a fluorescent light. That's buzzing So that gives you a little bit of a foundation for what the room might look like in your head You can see the light and you can hear the buzzing and you can understand The idea of the room and maybe you define that there's a table in the middle of it You don't have to go into exquisite detail over your room But you have to do something to anchor Your story and instead of doing that this story is anchored in nothing They describe the characters. They describe The things the characters are holding but they don't describe anything about the room except here right now Like four or five paragraph now four paragraphs in where Lorelai pins bright to the wall. That's Stupid You can't do that You've spent all this time with these characters and you have no idea where they are in space. That's important Let me be perfectly clear with you Jack. We in the ethics department Why is the ethics department getting all up in his space? What the hell we in the ethics department had enough of your bullshit And if we have to clean up what the ethics committee doesn't clean up shit They don't what to clean up another one of your little adventures You'll spend the next year that it can be since in the body of a hamster. Do you understand? But your ethics wouldn't that be cruel punishment he screamed as the pin was pushed in this is just assault by the way Like this isn't funny assault. This is just assault at this point like This is the problem with building a character straight up like this And this is your introduction to the character Assaulting dr. Bright and this version of dr. Bright so far you haven't shown me That he's dangerous Not every version of dr. Bright on the wiki is the same sometimes. He's just a regular guy So you're literally just assaulting this dude for no reason and he's not even fighting back He's like but but but your ethics wouldn't that be cruel punishment? So he's being subservient Man this is what's happening screams as the pin is pushed in harder and knew it likely broke the skin this time Yep, he's being assaulted what the rest of the foundation seems to misunderstand is that it's we will decide what is cruel And I'm very sure we can heavy our hands with regards to you I don't I guess that I guess heavy our hands could be an idiom that I'm unfamiliar with anyway Bloody our hands. I don't know We're a lot more powerful than the simple jokes you throw at us the taunt you throw Backs with ones tell your fives. What's you're just quoting you're just quoting from the ethics community orientation. God damn it Not gonna always find different ways to deal with you You're just quoting from the ethics community orientation and pretending like it's good dialogue And what's worse is this dude is obviously subservient to you. He's not He's obviously not like fighting back. He doesn't say he didn't make he didn't make jokes about the ethics committee being Ineffective. He just said but your ethics wouldn't that be cruel punishment? Which is a reasonable thing to ask an ethics committee member And you're like no, no, no, you think we're a joke. No, it didn't say you were a joke Are you in this character is insane? This character is literally crazy and that's sad Let's continue bright wasn't afraid of death Far from it But that woman was a demon from hell and would thank you narrator for explaining just how serious this kid new character is Thank you and would dorm his soul before spitting him out. Oh Understood director bright whimpered as the woman pulled away leaving a drop of blood to run onto his shirt She literally Assaulted this man stuck a pin into his throat and she's supposed to be the one who's reasonable good now get out of my sight I mean now I know what kind of voice I need to use for this character I've got an event to organize and bigger things to grill in you. I Know it's a female character. I'm still doing the gritty It's like what it would this doesn't make any sense. Oh Man who acts like this? No person acts like this the director pushed her glasses up And walked away unaware of the diabolical grin on the Thank you for telling me that narrator instead of showing me Smug it up now bitch See, this is the thing This is like this is like so many like projecting what they think people think of them when they're not around Onto a character smug it up now, butch. You'll have all the grill you want Brent bright giggled under his breath That's not a giggle like sentence. Let me see if I can do that. He smug it up now bitch You'll have all the grill you want. What does that even mean? Wiping the blood from his chest licking it off his fingers before walking down the hall. Well, you okay I guess this is trying to establish bright as a weirdo I mean, I'm gonna be completely frank with you even though is smug it up now bitch You'll have all the grill you want sounds like Nonsense talk and is kind of you know offensive a little bit If somebody walks up to you and stabs a pin into your neck and leaves blood trailing down onto your shirt I think you might actually be excused to call them bitch. Just go throw that out there Unprovoked oh, what did he do? He asked if he could sing in the talent show and she stabbed him with a pin Great introduction you can't see me, but I'm doing a thumbs up It's a sarcastic thumbs up It took him longer it took him longer than anticipated to arrive at his destination word got around he was going to Preform not perform preform and it was difficult to sneak out of site 19 with everyone one up everyone on high alert You can't do this you have to establish which bright you're talking about. I mean I get it now But you didn't establish early on which bright we're dealing with this is the bright of The things dr. Bright is not allowed to do at the foundation. That's not the all that's not even the main line bright in Most stories. That's just a fan conceptualized character People it's like the person who wrote this was like I can be as shitty as I want to to bright because everyone knows bright Is a crazy maniacal murder person, but that's not true in plenty of stories He's just a regular doctor, but at the very least we are now establishing which version of bright it is Anyway, in the end he got through the defenses using the old. I'm just here to check on things and flashing his badge before Yeah, he's got access. Why would they need what's the difficulty you walk up the door and you go I have access to this thing. Let me in. Oh, okay. What are they gonna do? Like I heard you were gonna be in the talent show. I'm not gonna let you into the secure facility. The fuck does that even No reasonable person even in them even of the dr. Bright's not allowed to list universe Wouldn't it would be like I heard during the talent shows. You're not allowed in here. Oh my god Why? Why dr. Bright congrats on winning this month's lottery. Why don't you tell it? Tell me what I've won? He shouted Spinning in a chair to laugh hysterically a mirror image of Jack Bright laughed along with him You've won a lifetime supply of me courtesy of SCP 2000 the two cops is bribing and a laugh in a course with hundreds others SCP v 1 you're my favorite me besides me. There could have been more of us if you just waited five days to warm it up I Difficult for me to get to the man down and I'm hundred not a hundred thousand good point Not letting me work with myself as a stupid rule think about how awesome we could all be Yeah, I was playing this is actually pretty boring Yeah, it's playing around with ourselves has gotten us so far on the clone shouted and bright race You know this this whole interlude here was kind of dumb Someone hit whoever said that okay all us lazy slob this I mean this is just an extended. Hey me. Hey me There's a party which we are going to fucking go Keter on tomorrow night And I have to not only get you ready for what we're going to do But I have to get you into site 19 looking over the ocean up himself. He couldn't help but feel love for himself more than he did already Well this whole interlude is kind of useless Like you're revealing your thing before you need to reveal it like if I get where this is probably gonna go Whatever the talent show thing is it's gonna involve hundreds of brides But wouldn't that be more interesting if you just introduced like you showed pride doing his thing And then suddenly hundreds of bright showed up instead of hey, let's show him being actually copied The whole thing was boring. Let's get to the next section the site 19. You know, and you know, it's even better If you were gonna do that you could have done it first not second If you put introduced that that way you give me an idea of which bright we're dealing with and then the assault makes more sense The site 19 Christmas party had gone surprisingly well. No containment reaches. No threats to the world ending That is literally what that says and absolutely no abnormality whatsoever Just the last performance of the talent show and everyone could go back to the housing sector with their lives intact And the ethics director wouldn't have to write it. Why would the ethics director have to write a report over any of this? If things go wrong, the ethics director is not the person who is in charge of dealing with the problems It just feels like this was a character somebody wanted to be an ethics director And then they shoehorned it in to be like kind of in charge of something in order to make it So their character was more important than it really is which You're all in bright. I'm praying you don't make me have to work tonight But I'm also hoping you do so I can organize your permanent containment The director grinned and Jack returned to smile with a holy innocent air Let's all just try to have fun director I actually know it says let's just all try to have no let's just all try and have fun When it should be let's all just try to have fun Director like the phrasing is super awkward, but That's the least of this draft problems Jack walked past her and stepped onto the stage everyone in the audience instantly became quiet and fearful Looking around them for anything that might be used to massacre the okay. I am so sorry. I'm gonna stop right here for a second We're gonna continue. There's not much left You can have as much fun with this as you want There are jokes. There are lots of laughs to be had But if your dr. Bright is so dangerous that the whole room Thinks he's going to kill us all You put dr. Bright Into a box because he's already anomalous You put him into a box end of story So anytime something like that happens in a story that goes that wild and crazy that weird Automatically, you know, this is not a realistic story You've lost any semblance of realism that you already had and this didn't have much to begin with All right, less serious for a second Bright smiles and wave to the audience. Thanks for coming everyone. It's been fun tonight It's been a fantastic year of fun and containment and research and stuff I've got a treat for you The audience made an audible shift ready to jump up and run at a moment's notice tonight I'm going to sing my favorite Christmas song the people below the stage looked at one another and mumbled before sitting down Perfect. It's it. There's no question mark on the page. I'm just like Perfect what he's like. Oh, they don't think I'm going to murder them all. Yes. We've moved on what? I hate these kinds of stories like I'm fine with making jokes about the foundation staff I'm fine about them doing stuff and abusing their power every once in a while if it's funny but Like this goes 12 steps beyond That It goes from it's funny to this is ridiculous and would never happen And isn't funny like when you go overboard on a joke When you run it too hard and you try and wink at the audience and go, uh, look at what I've written It's not funny anymore. There is very little room I'm not going to say there is no room because I've seen super silly articles before that worked But there's almost no room in the average article For anything other than playing the joke straight Treat it seriously and the audience will find it hilarious But if you treat it silly As the narrator as the writer as the author If you don't respect your own joke, nobody else will right took a deep breath before starting Silent night Oh Everyone seemed to relax bright didn't sing badly and there was no death so far All this calm Oh, fuck sake. It's all leading up to a stupid fucking pun. Isn't that The people in the first row were the first to see the look on his face and stand But it was far too late a massive Late for too late for what a massive choir formed out of the backstage and ran into formation behind jack bright A choir made up of exact clones of the original All is bright Ethics director Lorelai stood instantly. Okay. Yeah, the pun all is bright. I get it. Oh, that's hilarious Foaming at the mouth but I can help to cry as a beautiful army of angels sang behind him As the terrified audience began to clear out all he could see was cleft in the back laughing hysterically And the ethics director brandishing a handgun Bright looked down to see his chest blossoming like a red point setup beneath his coat And it's his extremities growing fidget as he crumbled like a chalk statue crumbled like a chalk statue He broke into pieces. I don't think that's what this person meant As his world faded to black you could see what looked like an empty up unit Breaking into the room and gunshots rang out sleep in heavenly peace sleep in heavenly peace Fuck this thing Yeah, that's that's what a merry sue looks like right there. Yep For once that is not an incorrect way to describe something Oh, thank god Why do I have to keep doing these? Okay, bye