 Since that incident has happened in your life, you have not been guided into surrender of any kind. You're holding on to the ego, you're holding on to the idea that you've lost it. You know, you've lost that. You were told that death will happen if this doesn't happen and that doesn't happen. So now that's what you're attached to. Let go of those stupid ideas. Can you let go? Or would you like to hold on to it?