 Boomer on! In this week's episode is brought to you by Platinum Wave Campers, the UK's leading stockist of luxury Volkswagen camper vans. With locations up and down the country, Platinum Wave Campers are on hand to bring your vision to life. So where are you looking to start working on a custom build project or find your dream Volkswagen transporter? This is a place to look. Ever dreamed of owning your own Volkswagen camper van? Well now's your chance as you can save £500 by using the code James500. All you have to do is speak to one of our friendly sales team and say that James English sent you there. Now let's get into the episode. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. Boomer on! In today's guest we've got big Paul Venice. How are you brother? I'm good mate, I'm good. Good to see you. Yeah man. Papa Mad roller coaster of a life brother. Prison, fighting, changed your life. Yeah. Proud of you. Thank you very much mate. Big steps man. You're doing amazing things. We'll plug your YouTube channel straight away as well. What is that? Appreciate that. Paul Venice K1. And I hear a few and Danny Christie get 10,000 subscribers each who are going to fight each other. We're getting it on, we're getting it on. It's going to be a, listen I have too much love and respect for that man to ever want to bring any harm to him. But you know he said he's prepared to pick himself up the canvas so that tells me he's going to be doing everything he can to put the landing shot on us. So and obviously he's no mug so yeah we're excited. Shout out to Danny man. He's done well. Big shout out to Danny. Loving the bits. My brother and friend. He owns his misery, he owns his pain and that's not easy to do and I think people are starting to respect him a bit more and it seems to be a new chapter for him which is a good thing to see. We'll make continue. Paul's go back to the start with my guest brother. Where you grew up and how it all began? Yeah so I grew up in Middlesbrough, Southbank, a little rough town. You know I was a tubby ginger kid, two different coloured eyes, bullied bad, like picked on bad to the point where my dad was a bodybuilder and he was a big man. Wasn't a fighter at all but he was a respected man. Everyone knew him. Everyone knew my mum and he was a big dude and he was just constantly back and forth to the school seeing kids parents and you know like trying to put a stop to it but it just couldn't you know I mean kids could be nasty kind of do you know what I mean. And I just got tortured to the point where I was crying every morning didn't want to go you know and he got that frustrated he was just like yeah I've had enough and he was like emotional putting something in my bag and I said he fucking got there and my mum was like no no I can't do that and he took it back out he was like I'm sorry son I shouldn't have done that but it was just an emotional time for him do you want me to see your son going through this you know this misery of life and all the way to the point where you know I was a child I was like seven eight nine year old I'm wondering what it'd be like to kill myself you know looking in the mirror not like them when I was seeing believe in the words of the bullies you know that was a monster with two different coloured eyes a ginger hair you know I was fat you know believed all that you know and then laying in bed on my night and no wonder wondering what it'd be like to die and you know that I just knew like looking back now it's not normal is it for a kid to be thinking like that you know what I mean you know I just knew I was doing the work what I know now I was born different I had something wrong with me and like not meant like physically but just up there you know kids shouldn't be obsessing around shit like that you know what I mean and you know I remember moving on a little bit you know still getting picked on and you know I was I was decent football I was banging in my sports you know and I was good I was good at football I was good at running I was good at swimming I was all that I was quite I've let it quite good you know for my for my weight massage was always bigger than every other kid you know but I was just afraid to fight afraid to get back afraid to get out you know and it took its toll on me and you know it was just a tour of time for primary school James you know what I mean and I remember being about nine ten year old and do you remember them old catapults like the plastic with the rubber the crap they were about 50 pence when we were kids Johnny Pope was I think yeah well we used to call them gatties catapults gatties we used to call them that there was a big massive market in Southbank and they were about 50 pence so me and me two of me pals managed to be screwed we all got 50 pence each we went and got one you know and now we where the path was the it's called the lines and it was like the best stones in Southbank where this path was all these like dolly the stores yeah there were mints so we were like oh go up there and I was like I'm not allowed up there my dad said I'm not allowed up there so we're like oh wait we'll just go up no one no more so I was like all right sounds so this path is proper secluded James is behind loads of warehouses it's proper secluded massive bushes hanging over it and you walk right to the top and it's got a bridge obviously the cars going on go over the top but you're under this bridge you're proper out of the way no it's just it's just proper secluded anyway so we were grabbing these stones and we were firing them over the bridge watching them come down you decide obviously some of them weren't coming down the cars going across so we weren't otherwise and you know what I mean I was proper young like proper little and obviously some of the stones weren't coming down so now looking back obviously the wooden cars we didn't know and next thing you know I'm just stuck under this bridge and the bridge was steep no to climb down off the side of the road you to climb down it's quite dangerous this block was climbing down big block was climbing down the side of it and I thought and I it was in a rush to get down and me stupid didn't realize that he's probably coming for us here but I didn't realize my two mates off and I was like where he's going and he just just killed me and that was just proper battered me do you know what I mean like proper levered me to the point where I'd lost control of my bowels you know it smashed my face and he punched me jumping on my head picking me above his head slamming me on the floor you know he beat me like a grown man you know I was only a child and you know I remember thinking yeah this man's gonna kill me here and I managed to get on my feet I don't know how the grace of God I've gone on my feet and there was still about two miles into the um estate out this path and this block chased me once I did my feet and was off he chased me with his fingers on my back telling me he's gonna kill me all the way to the open and when I got out in the open I was just like like I was just glad I got out you know I'm obviously pissing shit shit myself and you know I was affrightened and I just knew we was just wasn't normal that what was happening to me then you know what I mean even though I was so young and when I come out into the estate my two pals was at the end when they got close to me they both just broke down is that a crying I know because obviously my face was smashed in and you know I was bleeding out me here and you know I was in a right state and I didn't realize how bad I was no because adrenaline it took over I was just gone and I was just out of panic and getting all dizzy and getting all sick and you know I was end up falling over collapsing and stuff that I didn't manage to get me home but I remember him dragging me home and I was just begging him saying nothing please don't tell my dad what's happening tell him I fell off a wall tell him I fell off a wall because obviously they weren't that strict on me I never got beat up as a child they were just loving genuine loving parents you know what I mean I was well loved and you know and I just didn't want to disappoint them you know to say like I was there and this is this is happened I thought they would go mad at me you know as as a child I just thought that's what they would have thought anyway um so I managed to convince my dad that I'd fell off this wall or a skip I can't really remember because it was a long time ago but I told him I'd fell off some Ed Fest smashed all my face and so I went to hospital was in hospital for a few days and no my face was mashed in and you know eye sockets and all that stuff was mashed in and anyway um this is how young I was James because about six five or six weeks later I decided to tell my dad what had happened I just thought shall I tell him so I'm in the bath and he's washing my hair with a jug no so the soap didn't go in my eyes put your head back son like that's washing my hair just when I think back I thought bloody hell I must have been young you know I've got kids and I've washed their hair with the jugs and that you know what I mean you stop doing it when you're about 10 11 done you wash your own hair you know but that's how young I was you know and I just remember saying to him do you remember when I said I fell off that wall dad he went yeah yeah I said some man batted me oh man it was horrible you know because I've got kids myself James you know like my boys he my boys 11 do you know what I mean I couldn't imagine any man laying his finger laying his hands on him do you know what I would do if they did and uh when I told him oh man he just he was going man do you know like he just broke down he was quick out the bath out the bath he wanted to instantly find all this all this man was do you know what I mean he was where did it happen I told him he's trying to drag me back up there he's pointing at blocks he's at him no he just was so desperate to find this man you know and he was like why didn't you tell me son I was like I thought you'd go mad because up there he was like son you're running a little boy you know no one should touch you like that you shouldn't you know I was out broken he was proper out broken and uh anyway like my point in telling you that story James is because the like when I realized when I look back at like my life the trauma that I don't mean you know as a child it changed me when I come into six weeks all of us are going to say a second week's cool it changed it took away a little part of me where I thought do you know what like I'm done here like I'm just I'm just prepared to do what I've got to do and I just started fighting back started getting kids back you know I wasn't taking no shit and um remember my dad he says listen son he bought me this I think it was a video player then none of the VHS's that's how old it was and I'm not that old am I anyway but I think it was even a video player I kind of don't know if it's DVD anyway he bought me this thing called The Fabulous Four Thomas Sands Marvin Agler Robert Gerand Sugarly Lemon and I was obsessed with it obsessed he'd literally take me to what you want to what you want to put on that's The Fabulous Four you go again I'll go again and I would watch that over and over and over again you know and subconsciously I was probably studying it you know like as a child watching it over and over again and you stood up on your bed jumping around like a bedroom and you bought shotting punches and stuff like that and then I remember being obsessed with this that being obsessed with him when I've gone into secondary school James that was it you know the tables had turned I was eating kids back I wasn't just hitting them I was you know and then it felt good the tables had turned you know what I mean like I'm not afraid to say that they've probably turned into a bully you know like the trauma of getting bullied and getting what happened to me of that man I just lost all fear and not fear but I lost my conscience you know I wasn't afraid to hurt someone and I didn't feel bad about it because yeah because you didn't want to feel the pain anymore yeah did you ever find out who that man was never never found out never ever found out you know do you think you could have died as a child probably over thinking like was he gonna kill me or not but my memory of it 100% like I know like he definitely would have you know when the moment he punched me James like I went absolutely flying on my ass and I knew he did me and broke something straight away in my face and at that moment when he picked me up and I knew he was he was absolutely gonna go town on me I just lost control of my balls you know like I just I just in fear I never stopped dreaming about you know for a long time being embarrassed of loosing my balls as a child because of because I was that frightened you know and even though no one knew no one knew because I managed to get home and tidy myself up and do whatever but even though no one knew like it never left me I was so embarrassed like it broke me as a child you know and he did he did something to me you know and you know I'm doing the work now when I'm at now with the stage I'm at in my life now you know having to like having to do the work on stuff like that and let it go um I dare say I had a massive massive effect on my personality through my teens you know I've been horrible nasty boy you know to other kids or to other people do you know what I mean on the way I building the reputation of the next the next adman do you know what I mean so see when you're doing that and start to burying yourself did you start feeling a sense of power or were you still scared behind the bullying so the fear that I had you know the fear that I had was uh wasn't the fear of of fighting or anything like that it was just fear of getting beat again getting bullied again you don't get me embarrassed again losing my battles again it was just fear of being that child again from what I'd went through you know and I think I dare say that fear turned me into a monster and made me dangerous because I was so frightened that people find it not about their fear as well you know if someone mentioned the name or he's that he's can fight or whatever I was just like show me where is he you know and it was just one of them you know and it was the the reputation I was making them for myself in the secondary school was quickly enjoyable for me you know it was like a sense of power it was you know I enjoyed being feared enjoyed it's not so much liked but in your head you like to think it's because he likes me because I'm a good lad you know but it's probably not is it you know what I mean it's a lot of yeah what did you daft or school so funny enough when I was in school and that I was in that club was James for football and that but I was just never no good at school I was always in trouble I was a thief I was a robber I wasn't I was just I was a bad bad kid you know I was doing some bad stuff and then but I was a good footballer you know I was in that clubs I was at Art People for for a while you know I was playing for all the best teams every every team wanted me you know I was a good good player and I ended up going to a Middlesbrough Soccer Academy offered a scholarship for football you know got sponsorship deals aridass and you know I was it was looking promising you know and I was with a girl my mrs home still with now 21 years my rock we I got I got with her when I was 14 15 so she was the good girl and I was the bad kid you know she was she wasn't we talked a lot with her do you know what I mean she was a good girl and then she felt pregnant 15 16 and I've got all this football stuff going on and you know I want to be a pro football I want to do this I want to do that but I'm also on the streets knocking about with all the kids making door you know doing this doing that and dabbling I never really took drugs till I was about 15 16 when I started smoking weed sniffing coke and I loved it you know I loved it it really I really felt like I'd arrived it took away that fear it took a change and I just done something to me you know it felt that all filled that gap that I that I suppose I had you know I met my mrs was pregnant and I was getting offered you know this this and this come and do this come and do that so far for football I can make money now I can do this I can go do that for them you know so I practically fucked it off I'm trying to play still but my art wasn't in no more you know my my my mindset had sweared from being a professional footballer to just being a the maniac on the streets do you know what I mean like some some the artist twatting on the streets now I look back at that and when I've just said it there just for you know because I did that potential you know I was there wasn't many players the many pictures I was playing on where those people better than me on do you know what I mean that's not me blowing smoke on my own ass just I was a good player James you know what I mean and uh anyway when she was pregnant we were kids you know her dad was threatening to shoot me my dad was supposed to speak to me I'd be the same yeah well I've got a couple of stories about me my father-in-law he's he's he loves me now I think he loves me more than he loves to come 20 years yeah yeah but he's old school he's uh he's old school lunatic himself do you know what I mean but you're a good man I love the bits um but my dad wasn't speaking to me because he was like you're gonna throw everything away you're playing for middle school academy and you've got scholarships you've got this what you're playing at you can't do this and I was like but I want it I'm a man and he's like you're not you're a kid what you're doing their dad was doing the same me and they were planning like we'll run away and all this you know as a kid you know and um I was just kids having kids you know what I mean uh but yeah I took a term I mean don't get me wrong my oldest daughter now she's 18 and you know she's best thing one of the best things if ever happened to us you know what I mean so I wouldn't change a thing but uh excuse me I think it could have been planned better you know I think opportunities could have still been pursued you know around the football or around other things you know so that's live how much added pressure was that on you to try and provide for a family for such a young age massive it was massive because my my way of thinking was well I can go play football and wait another three years to maybe become something but there's a let's have it right it's there's a small chance you're not going to be the next Cristiano Ronaldo or whatever do you know what I mean there's a very small chance of that but a couple of lads who I was playing with they have made it no player for hardly pulling the they've got a good life or you can go make 500 quid right now come with me I chose the 500 quid do you know what I mean I chose the 200 quid I chose the 500 quid I chose you know just to go and most of went up my nose anyway do you think you would have chosen that path anyway no matter what yeah listen I'm a strong believer what's meant for you won't go around you it's as simple as that you know it's what the it's the reason why I am who I am today James you know what I mean because the reason why I've I've got the experiences around life of living not and making the choices that I made then you know what I mean so I wouldn't change a thing I wouldn't because I'm all I always think imagine I hadn't been through that I hadn't been all like made them choices I could there's a possibility I'll be making them now my future imagine making them choices when you're 40 you know it's just I'm grateful I'm grateful for what I've done what I've made you know what I mean I don't regret anything if I really start regretting it it's just fucks what we had you know what I mean so it's pointless what was life like then early 20s early do you know what when when I actually properly fucked football after all about 18 19 17 18 I was playing for local teams now you know just a bit of fun on the side that's under 10 up after the 24 hour bender and just having a game George Bestel yeah I started getting into because obviously I was I was a kid on them streets now everyone everyone knew me you know I was always wanting to fight the artist I was you know there was a there was a twat round our way passed away when he was 26 Lee Duffy and everyone was on wanting the who's the next Lee Duffy and you know my name was shot in the mix or he's going to be the next Lee Duffy and I just frowned off it I fraved off it you know I wanted to follow in his footsteps he was my hero you know I loved sitting and listening to the stories he was like you know he was he was a proper superstar of the Southbank Middlesbrough area was superstar and I just I wanted to be my life I wanted to be is obviously I just didn't want to die when I was 26 but I didn't still look forward to that fight you know what I mean I just thought in and right now I am the next Lee Duffy I'm going to be as hard as him I'm going to be as fearless as him and my reputation is going to be as big as his that was all I was bothered about so we got off of them we were in the gym in a pub having a few drinks you know and I'm sat there roided up big big lads fucking thinking like I'm fighting all that there was a couple of Asian kids who'd done all the kickboxing gyms in the Southbank and they were like come in I was sound with them like they were good lads and they said oh you can have a fight can you then I went yeah we're lying you're there well the lads just pulled out we've got a kickboxing show upstairs do you want to fight what do you wear I said I'm everywhere like you in everywhere to pull out do you want to fight and all the lads were sat round I've been on that I've had a few drinks they were like you have to do it come on you have to I was like I know my ass that had gone off for shit so I was like yeah yeah yeah all right fuck yeah yeah I'll do it I'll do it so I'm off the rush home staffs will at me finish trying to you know pull myself round and I had a couple of pints and a couple of cheeky ones I thought oh my god I thought what am I doing here I didn't have time to think it was like happening like a three or four hours period where I just thought fuck it it's just another terrible minute so I ended up going up and I was like oh we're fighting like mad he wins I don't worry about that I went no no no who am I fighting what's the answer he went he's only had a few fights man you'd be all right you'd be all right just just get in there just have a fight in it I thought right where is he his head was about that close to the ceiling I was like what oh my god he was about six foot seven I thought shit so anyway I just got in there and again just because because I was I knew I was swimming short and I had the fundamentals but I wasn't really taught anything but I had the fundamentals I was just stood there I was a tough kid you know I believe I was born to be become a fighter it was just it was just in my blood and this kid was battering me absolutely battering me for the first round but blew himself no trying to take me out just blew himself trying to hit me trying to get me out there second round just come out wallop flattened him flattened him and then everyone was like oh obviously he was crazy and then yeah that was the journey of me getting into this unlicensed boxing the white collar boxing the semi pro boxing and you know I had another kickboxing fight so I started fighting wasn't training wasn't training I was just literally smoking shit load of weed sniffing a load of coke I'm going having a tear up and it was crazy because at the time it was just people wearing really boxes but were up for it you know what I mean and you're getting in the ring and you're fighting my first white collar boxing lasted three seconds you know the bell went ding it flattened him I thought this is all like this easy there's a grand walking sound because I was a big ticket seller as well because it was a big name in the Middlesbrough area so there's a lot of people coming to follow us and then a local kid a local lad who was doing the boxing show as he says to us listen I've got another fighter here Kano do you want to fight him this guy was massive massive King Kano they called him and I was like he wasn't really a fighter but I'd seen him fighting the boxing and he was a big motion I was on a young lad it was about 18-19 I was like yeah I'm gonna fight him he's a grand even yeah yeah we're like fighting so it turns up and it was round about when Ricky I hadn't just been flattened by Manny Pacquiao and there was a picture in the paper with his head like that and all with a sweat fly when his head was just being chinned I always remember it because when we'd done this when I'd done that I beat him flattened him in the first round but I took off some wallabands no like some proper shots and my mate me my mate watching the DVD and watches bang and press pause and my my head looked like he was just about to come off his shoulders he dipped me with a big right hand and my head was just like that and just sweat was flying off me look at that and then when he'd hit me I'd just come back round I just went he shook me head like that and that was it he just his head went he'd just seen me and shit I just hit him with a left hook and flattened him and after that the guy coming in the in the changing rooms he says oh it's Bob Innes here I went me he went where did you box out of son I went my bedroom he went no I see this we all showed you what to fight like I went no one nah behave I went I'm telling you my mate he says come to full thomas's boxing gym you need to train don't take no more fights do not take no more fights come to full thomas's boxing gym I went all right so you'll train like yeah yeah so I'm training so I thought all right sounds so I started training with him started training with him just the fundamentals James bump bump parry step off the center line don't need to get it you know just a parry one two one two just drilled it for about a week till it becomes like picking your knife and fork up and then working off combinations then I started sparring with lads who were like ABA champions you know and like tough kids tough lads and sparring holding me on I was actually becoming a bit of a boxer he said don't take no more fights wait another month so I was like all right I need some money bro I said I need to make money do you know what I mean I'm damn too busy fucking shoving everything up my hooter do you know what I mean like anything other money that I end I was just too busy sniffing it all up fucking nicking it or whatever so he was like right oh he says uh taking another fight in three weeks he says well just keep training that so anyway the guy a guy rang me uh he says put bravo on remember the old channel bravo yeah so bang bravo on there was a big tournament Britain's artist doorman was just big mush in it wiped everyone out he says uh do you want to fight him that was like where was he his name was wes smith total wes big shout out to wes smith he's a good lad I'm not sure if he won the tournament but he was he was he must have because me and him for for the Britain's Britain's artist doorman do you know what I mean better mind that drugs are still running right from me I'm still an addict and I'm fucking the road of my life but I'm training hard every day I'm boxing every day I'm still taking steroids every day so I was like I'm fucking I want to do with me I'm a fucking boxer here they called wes the viking slayer because he beat this fucking the mountain of a man knocked him out when no one had ever beat him and I was watching all his videos and I'm like oh my god I'm gonna get myself into here and uh when I got in there with him you know he swung a few shots I was all calm I was like whoa this is different here I was all calm I was sharp and let him put him down didn't flatten him just put him down and I think he just knew he was all wobbly couldn't get back up he just thought I've had enough so I went Britain's artist doorman was fucking crazy I was thinking what the fuck and uh anyway that was the journey of me me white collar and you know the the the box and stuff because I went to prison about a couple of weeks after that I ended up going to prison what was that for your arms it's something to try and shoot you but what happened was while I'm doing all his living this life Sean I'm I'm heavily addicted to crack m cat cocaine volume and I mean when I say addicted I mean every day every single day even though my appearance looked all right because I was I would still get I've still found an hour or two to train my ass off and then just deteriorate me inside with with the pipe or with a line or with tablets or whatever smoking shitload of weed and a couple of weeks after that a couple of weeks after after that West fight I just went on that fucking rampage robbing stealing taxing just went mental mental obviously being having this status now Britain's artist dorm obviously this went to my head now you know the the the Britain's artist dorm and the the big venerals never lost a fight knocking everyone out it was fucking mental so I just went out there and just just expected to take whatever I wanted when I wanted you know and it was you know more for me you know because it just led to some real nasty things happening to me you know getting ran over getting be up with pickaxe handles getting jumped you know while I'm on a three or four day bender you know and because I wasn't killed or wasn't seriously aired I just felt unstoppable I felt like God James you know like I just felt like I'm still here like nothing's ever gonna happen to me you just blasted my house blast target and my family shot my house up blasted my house fucking don't whatever they could you know to to get at me and uh I gotta do that on myself with a glock 17 there's a replica there's a replica but it'd been drilled at the bottom but I couldn't get no ammo so I just got at the fucking at the blank say it wasn't drilled properly or like that but they were saying me oh you can buy this and do this and shoot some so I'm thinking I'm gonna kill somebody with this out my tree being awake for about three or four days so I'm running around with this fucking glock 17 boating doors and going mental fucking putting their people's heads and fucking grabbing people and ah man the coppers were like half an hour behind me for three days step one step by step no 10 armed response was 10 up as soon as I'd leave an house within 20 minutes they were there you know as soon as I'd leave another spot 20 minutes they were there I finally got caught not far away from me james and uh yeah bang straight remanded I went guilty straight away I blew my I blew the socks off myself I rang the fuck I was on the phone in the cop shop man from the gun will have prints on my prints all over it and fucking I'm out of it out my fucking tree but a few weeks later my solicitor come see me says there's me a piece of paper with the phone call that he had with my missus he went your foot mate I was like they didn't find no fingerprints nor nothing on the gun I have I don't know because I kept wrapping it in a towel and putting me waste you know she was probably probably wiping it off do you know what I mean did they catch you with it though yeah not on me it was in this taxi I because I was I had the taxi driver he was obviously trying to get rid of me I'm saying no you're gonna wait there so I'm gonna put a bullet in you no taxi driver didn't know it wasn't like it wasn't gonna hurt him unless I hit him with it you know but it was uh yeah so yeah how was that then did you did you feel more added pressure on yourself when you you felt you were untouchable that obviously people are always going to test you know these untouchable as you know yeah but did you feel an added pressure on you to try and live up to that reputation yeah do you know what mate it's like looking back at it now with the person I've become and the the pedal stole I put myself on not all the people the pedal stole I put myself on you know it was a it was a hard life to live it was a hard life to lead you know because we can't remember James that stuff that I suffered with as a child never left me I still didn't like what I was saying in the mirror still constantly thinking about death I've never left me you know I've never left me but I've seen it as a weakness you know and I thought people can't find out that I'm like this you know I can't like I'm sick because I see myself in the mirror don't like what I say I'm not comfortable in my own skin fuck that you bottle of Venice Britain's Alice dormant get yourself out there start fucking cracking heads together you know and I use it as a deflection so you put your mask on you stick your chest out and you go out don't you do you know what I mean and that's exactly what type of lifestyle I had you know and uh yeah it took me to some dark places James where I was like getting sectioned through drugside courses you know I was you know I tried to take my life a few times you know I remember I was on a four day bender I'm a obviously my last of 21 years still my rock my honest my love of my life she is you know I've been with her since school yeah first I was sticking out yeah I know I know she's damning man she's unreal so um you see she was fucking sick of me you know I was like going missing for weeks James weeks and I was tearing up like a fucking head or legs not half a man myself no we're not not eating anything she would always let me back in this one time she wouldn't let me in and uh I had about 40 bluies in my pocket with volume yeah that's what fucked you up yeah I had about 40 in my pocket so I'd been taking them for these three days different coke and I had a I remember I had a eight ball of with my pocket and a cheap bottle of fucking wine you said you mentioned it what was called Bella Bella bisco I had a bottle of that and I'm already fucked and I'm trying to get in the house and she was like nah I fuck off I'm not coming in not when my kids are not like that it's in the state yeah you know she because she always had the kids in mind you know it wasn't for the other kids have been gone you know she she she's fucking she's damning anyway so I fucked off I thought I'm done here I don't want to live this life she's right I'm scum I'm scum of the earth I'm not a fucking dad I'm not a husband I'm fucked so I just went in an old house at the full at the eight ball state I think I get the plastic as well that was in shove all the volume of mouth just neck them all just strike this one neck them all I just remember sat there sobbing crying thinking this is my time now do you know what I mean like I'm done yeah and I just didn't want to be you know more James you know what I mean bring back a lot of motion yeah it was just that just just just that bit when I said there when like not being a dad and you know she's the only regret I have no neglect of my kids and my wife but uh yeah so I took these tablets James and I felt myself drifting off and going crying sobbing and uh I managed to I woke up woke up like 16 I was later and I couldn't understand why do you know what I mean I took enough to kill an horse and uh yeah I was just I was uh I was surprised I woke up anyway and I goes home never never told us all didn't say anything you know I wasn't even happy that I was alive to be fair I wasn't asked I was a bit good if I'm being if I'm being honest and uh I went home she let me in my lifestyle just didn't change James you know what I mean they're just again just going back at it whatever I don't just I'm in a couple of weeks off thinking I'm alright now then back at it again you know and again this is where I took me into the prison you know I'm leading daft stuff but getting targeted people want to hurt me people want to kill me you know and it just it took me to prison and uh more stand down the decent sentence which was inevitable at the end of the day the life I was leading do you know what I mean James so how hard does that to go to prison none your house has been blasted and then worrying that it could possibly something could happen and you're not there to protect your family if it was at first you know James when I was in there uh I wasn't frightened I had no fear like not because I just I looked at it as like a new venture oh when I'm going here prison they've been before and that's how it was my head was fucked and that's how it was and uh I get into prison and I remember my door was I was just just thinking like this is going to be like the films here someone's gonna want to take my food off me someone's gonna want to take what I've got so I remember my flap opening and they were like mate have you got out I went here come here so I went close to the door when who's the boy on here you went you made close my flap fucked off I thought it's weird when the door got open I saw she just ran out round on the wing just like listen who's the other son here he was like you made that was you and I was like all right one of me mate was on the on the ones I went down I said but what's cracking here like who's the boy you're like you went then it's not like that so we all just chilled out man just want to do our time and he said just chill man just chill we're up with sound don't worry about me and I was like oh this is easy and then you're popping into different pads he always got what because I you know and it was just yeah my jail my jail was quite easy to be fair but yeah being locked up on that door when that door closed yeah I shed a few tears I cried you know I'm I didn't know what was going to happen realisation was setting in that you possibly could be any double figures here Paul because that's what they were saying you know my solicitors were saying like look you're 10 9 9 and 10 yeah yeah when I'd went down the court the judge was like I'll give you a fucking 10 yeah for your reputation alone mr. venice you know I was like oh my god what's going on here and you know I went guilty straight away I went guilty instantly um you know couple them couple of months went by and uh you know it didn't get any easier but I got used to you know I got used to it not being easy the only thing that wasn't easy James now all the photos were coming all the letters were coming the phone calls were happening the visits were going on well your son's walking now you know your son's just at his first pamo I don't know if you know what a pamo is you know and and I always I always bring that up if your son's just at his first pamo and it broke me it broke me because I just because when I went to jail my son was like just a baby and it broke me James where for fuck and uh yeah like I was the type of person that went behind my door and took all the pictures down so I didn't have to look at them ashamed yeah good didn't want to see that face of the idea well I'm at when that door open back up and when the lads would come in go I was like your kids from oh yeah it's my kids that's my wife this is when that door closed down face down do you know it's mad to think that big strong guy great reputation but it's tough as dormant to then being suicidal want to take your own life crying in yourself but nobody knows what anybody's battling but the amount of people aren't of you know I know that's a weakness I know that's people being scared because you've been so broken at such a young age that all that shit then becomes I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine but the angrier the man the killer the man and I believe but when you're going through that then when you're suicidal thinking about I'm not good enough thinking about the billion for such a young age like how hard does that for you to grasp and people look at you and think okay so I want to be him this is the next Lee Duffy like I want to be this guy like you looked up to Lee Duffy and he's probably battled the same exact amount of stuff that you've battled yeah how did you end up with an or a ham Lee Duffy again you've just touched on it he got bullied as a child you know he was big it's not your nose you know he was couldn't breathe through his nose you know I don't want to offend any of his family but you know he wasn't the cutest kid of the kids you know and he was a good looking man when he got older you know he was he was a funny man and he was a good looking man but he was just he was just a target and when I had these stories of Lee Duffy being a bully he was a bully victim he was picked on bad he was this he was that young I just thought I'm going through that I'm going through that and then when he got to like when he got he went to prison and when he got out he was jogging like from town to town dormant dormant artist to artist in short and vests you know I just I thought fuck that's what I want to do I want to have the balls to do that you know I want to show people that this is what happens when you bully young ones this is what we turn into you know they're just for fuck it and and that's how I'd be coming out of him you know and you gotta remember like I'm born in the same like practically on the same street same town you know the same people I was sitting around when he passed away like I was around all these people who knew him just telling story after story after starting out my kid sat there listening going through the same shit he was going through when he was a kid you know and I'm just thinking yeah I'm gonna be like him and I'm definitely gonna be like him one day you know and I just become obsessed with him obsessed with listening to stories and you got to remember as well everyone everyone who's over the age of 50 has a story about Lee Duffy you know good or bad they all have a story about him you know how tough was he though for 26 how did you have a fearsome reputation at 26 when candy you're still not even hot he was the Lenny McLean of the northeast Lenny McLean's reputation down south you know it's you know it's you know what it is the film's not that that's where he was the northeast he's just the northeast a bit smaller in it but he was hard unbeatable what kind of stuff did he do he just go to Newcastle and just start wiping Domino for fun just because just because there was so so my last is dad John Burley big shout with John Burley he was good pals with he Duffy he was his driver he would drive Lee and he took Lee to Newcastle because Lee had true with his grim and he was wanting the fight Viv slowly pulled up outside the nightclub short and vest short and vest walk towards the dormant flattened for them flattened all four of them out you know in them days made the dormant went for any spring chickens with that you know what I mean they were obviously tough twats walk straight in the nightclub grabs a mic off a DJ give Viv Graham down here now tell him the duff is here on the next one flattening everyone you know I remember getting told that story I got told one story like uh this has never left me and I just come when I aired it it was me my dad's brother Brian he was uh he said he was he was only a kid when Lee was like sort of open coming he was in his prime he said Paul he said I was outside by any bills he says and uh I just see Lee pull up going he says and I'm just sat there like that he said about 20 minutes later van pulled loads of lads got out walked into the pub started showing where's he where's he so they all come back out and Lee walked out on his own he said it was like somewhere over film like I go I go wow Westville no I just just flatten them just flatten them all one by one do you know I just just lay them all out and just walk back in the pub kind of drink them I was like shut up man he went honestly Paul he said it was man he said he even knocked one out with a body shot he said passed out with a body block just flattened him I was like even I'm at this stage now I'm thinking all these can't be like no you know everything everything can be true everything gets exaggerated but they're talking to like me old man who done the doors he said Paul he said listen there'll never be another man like him never you know he was getting shot at he had his foot blew off he was and he would still stand in the middle of the town with his back to the back to the road just doing all the doors on his own shot and vest just do all the doors and put on his own just walk from door to door and all night clubs in there do do all his own 26 man only a young boy you man only I can't remember as well when he was at 26 he was ravaged same with same stuff that I've told you about the drugs and that he was on a downward downward spiral when he was like 24 25 26 from what I've heard you know and who killed him his best friend wasn't his best friend was it was uh they were I'll always a tough man as well was it slashed him in the back or something I don't really know the full story into now but he was stabbed in the back here he was stabbed I think he was stabbed no he was stabbed in the armpit he was stabbed in the armpit that was him going 26 yeah you know what as well so if someone had applied pressure the ambulance was there within 20 minutes someone only just went over and applied pressure he'd still be alive now do you think because it was him though I don't know the one next to him because he was jumping all over jumping all over going off it I think he ran as well you know you can't remember as well like as much as I'm telling you like he said he was he was like a fucking god still a lot of people didn't like him do you know what I mean so maybe there was a people there for well don't help him let him die but did they not used to play a rush on relaying that and put that gun in fucking shoes you know he'd done it he'd done it all acid dad come in went into South Bank that is psychotic South Bank bonus stadium with a gun and he went pointing at all acid dad's head and all acid dad fucking hopeless he's off his head I think I went to his I went to all acid dad's with the gun put it his head and he went he didn't know he thought like he thought it was real and he just like go on and go on and say you're gonna have me shot way on you put it with his head he was like drinking his drink go on and fucking off it honestly he's mental and I just went I'm only drawn and I left why did you do that I don't know mad with that no do you know me and John I've had a very strange relationship obviously I'm with his baby girl Anna do you know what I mean I'm a bad man well I was my lad you know what I mean and you try to put a gun to his head yeah yeah fucking yeah it's fucking so great I put it to his head and then I put it with me and he was just sat there cool as fuck just go on go on how old were you it was about 20 19 20 someone fucking hell man you're just like my daughter's only 12 man I know you better do that me in 10 years I think you know it was just the life I was leading you know what I mean it was just fucking mental and um he just he'd say no don't be in there and don't even got the t-shirt do you know what I mean he didn't bat an anod he just sat there looking at me going do it they are bothered so it's like we're fucking off it did you have a more respect for that yeah I loved him then anyway I loved him then anyway we had a strange our relationship but uh no we would always put reds and bat reds and stuff like that but he knows I respected him he respected me do you know what I mean he always respected me because I never laid a finger on his daughter even though I was a twat I was horrible never laid a finger on her never would never have you know what I mean and he respected me for that you know did you ever obviously we can speak about it now when everything's outnought but did you ever speak to anybody yourself about how you are feeling mentally ever not the time though but uh you know nothing crazy happened for me in prison James nothing it was just I just it was just a breeze through it but when I got out I just couldn't go back to that lifestyle I knew what I was like I knew what I was I didn't want to die you know for the first time yeah I didn't want to die I want to be a dad I want to be there for my wife I want my Mrs deserved like me she deserved me you know to be a good man she deserved a good man you know and um but also I needed it for me you know I didn't like it would become you know I didn't want to kill myself I didn't want to die I just I wanted to be there for my kids and for my Mrs and uh when I got out my mom uh mares a woman you know and my dad is the amazing parents now dad's a christian and my man was banging the fellowship in the Icox Anonymous you know a funny old story about this recovery James because um my granddad glasswage and I think he is broad scottish says to you all the cameras don't know where he says but he's he's a mint or he's a mint man um he brought he done he done a big prison sentence fucking 40 or years ago and he got he got involved with a alcohol anonymous so what he done was when he got out prison and when he was involved in it he seen that his three daughters were addicts my mom me and Linda me and the Annette the three of them were addicts so he brought this fellowship to Middlesbrough Nye Cox Anonymous for his three daughters so they could be saved through fellowship uh sadly me and the Annette died through erroneous and um and uh my mom and her little sister Linda the 20 20 odd years clean and sober amazing yeah they carried the message to me when I got out of prison said you know you're an addict son like what do you want to do like there's a life you can have without using without active addiction come so I thought I will yeah and uh yeah I got into it James you know and it it wasn't easy I'll tell you now I was going for like eight year and I kept relapsing you know like I'd get like four month clean relapse five month clean relapse and that was the story of my life for about seven eight year and uh but this time around when I've got out of prison and and and I've won it bad I got into it big time you know I've been out of prison now nine year and um seven and a half year clean and sober I've had do you know what I mean which is amazing achievement and uh I live by it like don't get me wrong I've struggled it's not all the better roses for me but it just give me a like I was always promised you know if you get into this you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams and when that guy told me this I thought he was going to give me a load of money or buy me a car or or do something nice for me that's what I thought what do you mean by that so I'm going home thinking he's going to look after me him little did I know he just meant just give this a hundred percent and you'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams I thought all right bastard you know but this guy's my sponsor now he sponsors me this guy you know and he guards me through through through fellowship through nycox anonymous and he wasn't wrong you know I I fell into a mixed martial arts gym a kickboxing gym you know within six months at 10 pro you know within a year I was in top 10 British I was in the British rankings in top 10 you know the second year I was winning British titles English titles northern titles you know I was undefeated I was fighting and in decent money I was free from drugs I had God you know I've become a Christian you know all this all this stuff was happening I was thinking it's all because of fellowship this you know and I wasn't thinking I wasn't even thinking about using you know I was a good dad and I was loyal to my woman you know I was a good man I've given things we'd gone all over we could do anything we wanted you know me and and not only that she got the full attention and I'd become the man I knew I always was you know I never changed things were just stripped away you know it's like the the onion effect in it everything stripped away and then you just left with you and that's all that's happened you know a deep down I always hated who I was you know I was never that person that reputation ego fueled fucking idiot mainly I could want to be the artist it's just an illusion it was a fantasy world you know and I got banged at the fellowship and then I never looked back don't get me wrong it's it's it's it's not easy but it's easier than being out there living in that life where you're you're just doing everything else to fix yourself you know your drugs your gambling you everything else around you that tries to fix you it's that's just bad for you I finally found something that was fixing me that was filling that hole for the better you know it was making me you know into a I was I was a lot of better persons a miles better person do you know what I mean and I I loved it I loved it started working the steps got myself a sponsor started carrying the message you know and then I found God I become a christian I got myself baptized and all I was doing all this outside of and I was fighting as well just taking over this this this k1 scene you know on the british level by the way you know I've been getting a bit of stick for labeling myself as a k1 world champion even I didn't be the well title but it was just to ice your mickey mouse one but were you 31 feets 30 kills 32 fights 31 knockouts yeah and that's that's k1 it was all enough everything yeah everything but I think I got about 27 k1 fights professional fights and uh see I got a bit of stick for when I would pal danny christy posted some of the world title people like no he's not because you have your glory k1 which is well renowned you know and that was always my my dream to fight on there against them guys right there didn't you know license firearms they're in like australia you know america and I just couldn't because they didn't they emailed me glory k1 they emailed me uh we're keeping an eye on venice we're watching his his progress we want to see what he's doing I was the only undefeated heavyweight k1 fighter in the top five I was the only undefeated one you know your idea likes the daniel sam annal orbitov they're all being beat they're all drew and they were fighting on glory k1 and stuff like that well well fight series all he's been chose I just couldn't get a break you google my name and he comes up fucking firearms and this that you're so there was a bad stigma around us I just couldn't get a break but I was willing to fight anyone anytime anywhere do you know what I mean like I'd actually become a proper fighter I wasn't just one of these on the streets where I thought was I looking in the mirror taking stories and thinking I'm out of focus yeah you know I was literally fighting you know and I was I was training my ass off I had good sponsors you know I decent people back in me you know and what the fight that put me on the map was a guy called Cal Yords he was about you know he had been beat once or twice but he was a fucking giant six foot seven six foot eight kick like an horse no one wanted to fight him you know it was early days for me but I was fit it was a WSK and WSK British title and there were heavily involved in the rankings on the British level and this was the British title and it's fighter pulled out two weeks notice and says look Paul do you want do you want this fight should yeah couldn't I do we'll fight this is the Tavitt and you know massive respect for Cal Yord he was still speaking to him now he's you know he was he was a mountain of a man like like literally I felt like Rocky vs Dove London that's how I felt you know and muscles bulging everywhere but he's a lovely guy you know nothing but mutual respect on the fight and I managed to beat him convincingly like you know in an excellent fashion like I knocked him out in the second round and it looked fantastic by the way sorry Cal made but he needs to be said and I knocked him out in a great great fashion do you know what I mean and I just thought wow and that was it sponsors come flying in you know people were coming up and you know I he just took off and I was literally doing it for a living I was fighting for a living you know it was like a dream come true free from drugs got going in my life family's mint I'm living the dream man I'm doing something that I love doing do you know what I mean and I was good at it good at it you know what I mean but when I was gone into the top four you've got your likes of your ice yours your wsk you know like your european titles and your wealth titles which they're still only British level to be fair but you are fighting from people all around the continents you know like your almonds images you know I fought all these guys you know like Vlad from Bosnia's and you know I'd battle actually I never fought almonds if he pulled he pulled out but I thought I was fighting diesel lads now do you know what I mean and uh yeah so I won this european title the ice your european title I won the ice your wealth title now I'm number three in the rankings now do you know what I mean glory message we're interested what's crack what's the day what you got planned when when I come in the gym and chat with you told me I was like wow fucking John he's like nah and then you should sign a contract with glory mate you've made it yeah you you'll find that you you're the sign of the four fight contract you made for life you know you need to fight once for him you don't so I was like and I wouldn't even bother do the put him in front of me I must say and I would would have been able to to win on that level but I'd have fucking give it a go James you know what I mean not a problem like 100% I had to do or die for me simple you know and uh I was just over the moon anyway a couple of months went by I'd had a couple more fights I went to Scotland and fought a kid called Alan drain uh in motherwell that was mental that was mental so I took down short notes just to keep active I took down short notes actually struggled with the big mad head he was maybe strong like right again stopped him stopped him in the second round taking a little fight just to try to keep busy you know but nothing was really like the fights that you see on youtube they're they're kind of the big deal ones but no one's seeing all these little fights that was having no western superman was traveling down there fighting them they were fighting some lunatic for like a little english title and looked like a bench airman belt to really use a crappy little belt boy was still a fight for me and the guy was a tough bastard again do you know what I mean it was these fights that were that were really fucking giving me good experience and um anyway when I come back to the gym one day and just we had an email saying oh we've been looking up venice's record brilliant watch the crack with his criminal record the firearms and this that the other and his prison sentence I was still on license gyms you know I was still out of license still the year's license you know and they just fucking blew us out it was absolutely shut me down blows out and I just lost I just I was so dissapointed it was unbelievable you know I just thought I'm done you're thinking about rehabs and yeah yeah again low self-worth setting started feeling sorry for myself all my old emotions and all feelings come setting in for shit what am I gonna do now do you know what I mean I thought I was gonna become a millionaire from this fighting where really I was just living comfortable you know I was living comfortable with decent wages I was getting there was nice wages spot I was doing three or four grand in sponsorship deals a month you know getting all food paid for travel all everything you know and uh it was good lifestyle for me but I want to become a millionaire from a gyms you know what I mean like in my head I'm thinking I'm fighting on that glory and I'm gonna be mixing it with them my heroes you know the legends and when it got shot down it brought me I just thought that's it I'm done I'm done I just walked away I never actually went I'm retired just how long ago was that that was about five years ago did you get that I do now now I'm training and now I'm getting getting thin how old do you know I'm 36 you're going to have another fight and what so what's the rules for k1 multi but it's scored exactly multi scored different you know the music in the background yeah don't quote me on this because someone will comment and say I'm wrong or whatever but I think you've got the music gets faster and faster don't you have to keep that pace you know you have to swing so many kicks per round and you know it's how you take them and you know it's scored different where k1 is scored exactly all boxing is if you're busting that fight whether you're using your hands your legs your knees your elbows it doesn't matter what you're using if you're busting that fight you're busting the fight simple if you're pushing the pace you're winning the fight that's it you're winning the fight it's just scored exactly the same as boxing apart from leg kicks head kicks knees elbows bro I loved it loved it yeah how was it the first year try to change your life when you're active and doing bad shit and people try to kill you and stuff as well that how hard is it because no matter if you want to change your life the first year or two the people who's your enemies don't see that anyway they just see weakness then yeah so how do you deal with that if people start putting it on you well funny enough I was kind of left alone no I think when I got out I didn't bother no one do you think people were relieved then that you weren't fucking being a pest well I got out at night in stone no drugs in me training you know I was already you know I don't think anyone wanted to meet me in an alley or at that time because you know I was healthy I was big I wasn't this vulnerable person was on crack and whatever you know I just don't think I just let I just come out and just people left me alone like I wasn't you know it I don't bother me you know I was perfectly fine doing my own thing trying to change trying to live differently it was hard you know as like I said Jim's a relapse you know I found myself once or twice going on a bender and you know yeah it was hard and plus we were fucking skinned you know I was at food bank Jim's got the food bank you know because we were sound scratching on you know because I didn't want to go out and earn money the way I used to or do whatever I did to get money you know rob and tax and do whatever I do I didn't want to do that no more so I was like right what do I need to do Sammy this is my wife I ain't even got a door you've got a meeting fuck that I might go on there that's okay see when you get stopped I was no food in we got them so I'm happy they've got a fucking local church the food bank to get money you know to get food you know they give you a fucking it was just a nap it was that time but it was it was humbling it was humbling experience because at the end of the day I didn't want to go back to that life I couldn't do what I didn't want to become what I'd become do you know what I mean like I couldn't go back to that so I just thought you know what try to get jobs and I was doing you know I'd actually become employable you know because I changed I put drugs down and I was working at a fellowship I become employable I got a job at Tesco Warehouse James you know what I mean in the first year well seven pound fifties eight pound an hour you know I I was heavily involved in fellowship and this time as well I was training like I was training like a mad dog in this in this kickboxing MMA gym impact martial arts it was called I was training in this gym and I was working six no two two ten do you know what I mean it was humbling for me you know because I was actually putting the fucking work into change you know I mean like I didn't want to be that person no more so getting a job yeah to be done you know training if I wanted to become a fighter I had a train you know and that's what I've done a trend yeah you know and how hard is it on your mum if she's in the fellowship seen us on just being a loose cannon and fucking up left right and center I can only imagine I can only imagine did she ever reach out to you and say look you're fucking up I was it it's hard I tell you what James we're gonna share something with you know which I never ever I've never said you know and I don't look at my mum thinking this she's a bad person she said me when she done this she was the one who rang the place on me told me I had a gun for my own safety you know she just made me say that you know I'm sure she won't but she was the one who rang the place on me because she knew I was even gonna kill someone or get shot you know so she rang him on me she was one that says look he's got a gun he's gonna do this he's gonna do that you know they didn't know it was just a replica at the time you know so yeah big props to her man you know she she would turn up you gotta remember James my mum was brought up in the Scottish family she was a rough girl back a psycho than you I've seen her come in sessions and start just walloping people knuckling women and blasters and chaining people and oh she was roughing I've never seen my dad have a fight he was a lovely man he was a dormant massive yeah didn't really need to have a fight he was too nice people respected him he was a big man he was a good man see my mum have loads see my mum have loads and then there's not that tight where women pull air someone grabbed their air yeah oh yeah my dad was the same he was a dormant in Glasgow but my mum it's my mum it's the fucking crack but yeah give her again now to me uh James you or to me even one of my parents you would never think because I'm outstanding people the thing about change it's a great thing it's a beautiful thing when you start changing but it's also more beautiful thing when your mum says that they're proud of you yeah that fucking gets you going you think fuck yeah and then you reminisce about the past and you think okay I was a loose cannon yeah when you get that I'm proud of you that that's that's no money no matter how many fights you win that there is a gold where it makes you feel proud and it makes you keep going I've seen that on my mum's face when I picked a white chip up which is a year a new no the white chip up is just wishing for a new way of life not even clean just picking it up if it is anyone here in the first mate who wishes for a new way of life me then you go my mum well done well done you know mate as a woman because that's what she wanted for me a new way of life you know and then before you know I'm picking a 90-day chip up she's there I'm picking the air chip up well done you know I always knew my mum's always loved me always you know my little sister I beg to differ but I'm the I'm the favorite you know she's my you know she's a daddy's girl my little sister my little sister again she's 12 yeah clean and sober you know she's in recovery it's a family thing man you know she's my little sister's like my big sister in recovery you know she's well out of me you know she's fucking outstanding woman my little sister she's six years younger than me so she's 30 yeah she's out cracking young girl do you know what I mean flying because of recovery you know but me my mum always had a little thing for me where because I needed more muddy cuddling more looking after because of my days have gone out and I would literally be 18, 19 after four or five day bender crying she's got me cuddling me like my baby and I'm sobbing sobbing I want to die I don't be here she's crying yeah no one no knowing exactly what I'm going through because she's being herself knowing what I'm saying is true that's coming up my mouth do you know what I mean and she's just looking at her son was riddled with this disease of addiction but you're in recovery when your sister was an addict uh no uh you're the last one to get into recovery yeah yeah she my sister's 12 years now you know she's wetter than me you're coming up for it yeah fair play but that just shows you the strain for the family then yeah to dig deep and make the changes there's not many people get out same as myself man re-raps re-raps re-raps two years felt amazing I can have a drink fucked up for a year full year went missing and every day I still think about dabbling because it's self-sabotage rip the whole ceiling down because you don't deserve it James you've came too far just do you're good at do take a line have a bit it's every fucking day there's a voice here I always remember and it never left me and I thought that will never leave me when it got said to me so I was always giving myself and I was clean I was always giving myself a time of thinking why do I still want to use why do I still want to be horrible bastard why is my head still telling me go do this go do that no and it's nothing nothing's ever nice going from here and you're not you're thinking paul always remember that and I thought right you always remember paul your head once you dead and I thought that's heavy but the more I thought about it I thought yeah it definitely does you know and years on down the line load of recovery sponsors living good having a good life my head still wants me dead on a daily I put it to rest on the morning what do you do pray meditate no speak reach out speak to the fellow addicts speak to my sponsor you know do a bit of step work no watch a share on YouTube takes takes what all of the 10 15 minutes on the morning to put it to a put put it to rest you know I like just literally just pray paul's will will get me nowhere gods will just your will today please you know and I find myself praying for other people praying for my friends family or whoever do you know what I mean and then asking them for god to take away my will let me live on his you know and he just he just told him something changes my mind said changes you know I think I've put the work in you know there's the effort there's the time there you know I don't want to be running with this I need it and all of a sudden my thought my change the do I think changes you know I want to go you want a cup of tea babe you know I want to go kids breakfast done if I don't do that work on the morning kids will go I'd rather do me for breakfast do your fucking you know Sammy like my missus do we'll put the kettle on down like though you know that's that's where my head will take me you know if I don't do that work on the morning what's a daily routine like after that when you get up exercise eat clean you know what I think it varies because when I put that effort in you know I can have the time to go like what do you use want to do you know what is everything okay if I go do this you know am I gonna do this can I do this you know and I sort of have the humbleness around me to go right let's work somehow what because my missus is so busy you know she looks after us all you know she she she probably looks after us all and you know so I try my best to go like am I okay doing this because I can make myself so busy pete's training kids training people you know then she knows how my head is where I'll go I want to fight I want to go do this I need to go meet him I need to go see this you know and then the YouTube stuff I've got going on now you know she's like uh do you mind if you spend a bit of time with me today and I'm like yeah all right where you know she sees how busy I am and I need to have the ability to go your course account you know she'll tell you that you're full of shit in me you never want to spend time with me how did the Lee Duffy film come about will you play these characters so I was it was mad it was about about a year and a half ago and I was just sat there and a form was ringing a false so was it I was locked down been locked down trying to do hello she's our she's poor venice as you know she's a one-year player Lee Duffy in a film I went boop I'll just put the phone on my last one who's that I don't know she didn't know I was it because my my fights are all over YouTube you know I hadn't had the Instagram or Facebook or anything like that for long and I have a couple of years and but it was blown up during like people you know I I mean there was getting a couple of hours of followers and then people want that so I was loaded mad stuff going on and uh I thought bullshit and then I got a message saying no no serious you need to speak to me my name's Steve Wraith you know I think it was Steve Wraith yeah Steve Wraith you need to speak to me so I was like okay I rang him I went what's going on here you and yeah Paul we we've like he from South Bank I went yeah you know Lee Duffy I went yeah cause I do he says uh he didn't from the same town I said I'm on the same street where he was born they were like all right uh would you blame him in the film I went I'm not an actor mate yeah yeah that's fine can we meet you I went yeah I went um like just after Christmas I said we'll get Christmas out of the way we'll come meet you I went all right so I said is this you on these videos on YouTube I went yeah I mean you still look like that I went no I said I was locked down I'm following up on parmots and beefburgers and that you know I was I was like 20 Clem and this fighting that when I was fighting I was like 16 17 stone or ripped and thin and that she was like so do you not look like this on YouTube it wouldn't know if it was you look I went I'm 20 stone he went you dropped nine he went no I said even fat I went well now I'm back because I built me on gym so I says no I'm powerlifting like so I'm big so but I'm not like that so I look more like a like a Russian fucking powerlifting or like the shop was I was a bit like what I am he started laughing and he was like oh god he said can you get back down with that when you course kind of if you've been serious yeah I'll just treat you like a fight I'll just strip down so you and try and strip down that one before you meet or something all right so I lost a bit of weight I calmed down on the weights you know I got a stripped down to about 18 stone and then I went and met him and uh Steven Sears and all these people were there and like all these big names and I was like fucking hell uh Jamie Boyle big shout out Jamie Boyle yeah big Jamie Boyle was the fs time I'd met him and you know I instantly loved Jamie if I was a good man um and they're all just like wow like no way and then when I started talking like all right lads all right I was going I was going like fucking no way it's like because I'm Steven they're like we're close with him they're like why you sound just like him like we are man you sound just like him they're like a proper jordy I was like wow like I can't believe it like you're perfect perfect and I was like really they're like yeah perfect so I was like oh I'm so yeah the rest was history got the got the part and started going down there doing a bit of acting and all that I was strange how was that no acting experience getting to any of the things I said I said to the to the guys who were doing the film I said listen I'm not acting here so I'm not acting they went listen we don't want you to be an actor we like from what we've heard you've similar lifestyle similar story when yeah so you took me out he says you're going in there you're going to like there's a guy going to be talking about Viv Graham like there was a scene where the guy's talking about Viv Graham and uh you can overhear it and you're like a fender hearing his names you're fuming you grab him and that so this guy's an actor so he's going to just look at what would Paul Venestal just put yourself in that situation I thought all right all right so you look grabbing him slapping him getting me and helping him down here now I'll punch your fucking head and he'll do this do that no no no no for a while I kept like slapping him and going oh okay yeah I kept slapping him and tapping him he was going but you can see he was like oh no you just wanted to get the last slap done and that was it and he was brilliant actor this guy like and then he went listen just let go after about three or four takes that was sound I just sort of went in the moment of like if it was real where I'd be like you know I think you just put yourself there like as if it's as if you've been in a similar situation do you know what I mean and that was it yeah then they loved it he was like class raw I said shall I do some acting classes he went no I don't do that so they take away all the the rawness from you we don't want you to be an actor he went watch I'll show you so he sent an actor out and he wanted to play the same scene as I've done there and then he went watch when they're done it you could see it was yeah he says we yours it's real Paul it's raw you can see do you know what I mean they're far fucking sound how did you handle the lockdown oh sound no sound I don't need to keep busy out and about just fucking I'd spent more time with the kids more time with my missus than I ever have you know I had my own gym on my back but a big house big gym I had all the weights you could think of hack squats squat machines over 400 key loads of weather plates I had a running machine and let me think everything I was myth I've got another lockdown now I was comfortable with me I wasn't asked wasn't asked because I just thought no sometimes I'm come I can be you know I've worked out to be comfortable in my own bubble I've worked out and been comfortable and being bored when I got bored years ago James especially when when I give me a cheat sheet I'd want to go out and start terrorizing someone or getting off me tits or doing something fucking mad where I welcome it now you know I do I do enjoy being bored probably because I'm getting older but I love being bored you know I'm very comfortable in it you know when there's nothing to do you sat there Netflix it's flicking brilliant brilliant you talk about the stuff that you've done do you ever feel ashamed I did a fest I had a lot of guilt and shame where I didn't sleep you know I couldn't forgive myself for some of the stuff that I'd done um yeah it messed with my head a lot sometimes still come it can creep up it can creep up but I have the ability to work hard to forgive myself you know and that's all down to the grace of God you know um I have the ability to pray and ask him for forgiveness and I know I'm forgiven for what I was and then plus like these are the people who were in this recovery in this fellowship and you speak to them and that they're so wise you know predecessors who've worked this worked this fellowship for your for over multiple years and you speak to them and you say look I'm having a time like when I've done this on this and this and you go storage remember Paul it wasn't you you're not accountable you know you're not accountable for that you know it was the disease of addiction that drove you to doing that you know that you're not a person no more Paul don't hold yourself accountable for it you know and I thought right and I just when I heard those words I thought yeah do you know what like I wouldn't do that today you know I would I couldn't I couldn't blame myself for doing that you know I have a conscience now I do feel sorry for people you know I've got it's just a strange one because I know I can creep in sometimes where I can have a nightmare like a using dream I can have these using dreams where you're fucking horrible man where you wake up and you're like you're off your tits and you wake up and you think shit shit but then I know what brings me around my wife's laid there because once I know I'm in bed with her because this is a place I wouldn't be she would probably be on a doorstep do you know what I mean when I say yeah there I'm like I but I love it like I don't love them because they're very vivid and you know they're extreme but I get grateful I get filled with gratitude the fact that that was a dream that's not me out there doing that it's a dream you know and but I some nights I can be awake and think it's if you've done that Paul you know it's if you went and done that you know and they can fill me with with remorse and guilt shame the people I had but yeah I can forgive myself for the stuff that I've done have you ever done counseling therapy no I've been speaking about it a lot man I think I'm going to give it a bash yeah I should start it's a trust thing I'm scared that you tell them something and they're sitting at a party at the weekend fucking telling them you've told them I know they won't but part of me is maybe that's that's my excuse for not to go yeah but as much as we're trying to face it all and these podcaster fairy put for me just talking shit man and getting everything out there but I feel as if there's a lot of deep rooted stuff that I would like to address and and feel free of the pain of the past it's fucking hard to go back and and dig up sometimes you don't want to dig up because if your life's okay you're scared then maybe a few years it all comes to a head yeah so I'd probably want to just get it all now while life is good because I don't want to do it for fucking anything happens and I had a wobble and then I have I feel as if I'm forced to do it why not do it now when everything's going good it's I've always put it off and put it off but I think this year's I think this is a time to do that like would you ever dip your tongue to speaking to somebody no my opinion no because I feel my sponsor does a good enough job of that you know I feel that fellowship does a good enough job of that you know I'm I'm actually going through a step four now which is the personal inventory you know doing it doing a step four rounds my life and and the shit that I've done you know you've got to write that like no one's ever going to read it when truth be told my sponsor's going to read it and this and again it's you know when we've grown up and like with what we know and you wouldn't tell anyone where bed this was you just you just didn't do it you don't speak about your emotions or your feelings you just don't do it men don't do that you know but I'm prepared to lay it all out because the stuff that I've done the only I know you know yeah like some fucking horrendous stuff that that I know what I've done to get what I needed no one in my social circle or anywhere near me knows what I've done but I've got to write that because you know it suffers the most me because of what I've done because of the things I've done so I'm prepared to write that down to let go of that and when my share when I share it with my sponsor and each year he reads that and he shared and we share on that I'll release that that'll go you know because when I speak to him and say listen man I can't fucking struggle him you know I must sleep and I've got guilty shame around this I've got that I've got this I've got that made done in and he'll go put it down you step four get it down let go it's the only way to get rid of all that all that shit because you know yourself when I thought research is new thing one or thing about that it's going to come back times then and if you manage to push it down again it's coming back again with me more vengeance and that's what it does until a point until you're just going pop you know I understand I'm not saying counseling is bad for you or anyone else I just don't think it worked for me you know what worked for me might not work for you but that you know everyone's walks different and I just think I would never knock it would never slate it never slaggy I just think I get my own stuff from it through the sponsorship from my fellowship and through the the the christian the christianity and the god stuff that I have gone on you know a lot of people watch this podcast struggle themselves addiction mental health like how good is your life been since you've changed that oh that's phenomenal phenomenal don't get me wrong listen life can still be hard because life on life's terms is hard isn't it but I can cope with life on life's terms now because of fellowship where go back 10 15 years ago when life got hard it's all I thought about it's all I thought about when now I can deal with more shit that comes my way you know I can deal with more stuff that comes my way and I'm telling you now the best thing I've ever done ever done up there with all my kids and the reason why I say that is because the fellowship can give me the ability to be the dad of that deck these kids need you know to be the dad that a normal man can be I'm normal I have this disease of addiction that I was born with and it's a brain defect that I was born with I believe that this addiction and this obsession this obsessive compulsive disorder that we suffer with we were born with that you know and it has to be treated has to be going on treated it'll kill us it'll kill us so I can't stress enough I went on these gyms especially in my life and for anyone out there who's who's suffering google it and here google it it'll bring it up closest night coast anonymous meeting close to me go just go yeah you can throw all your life making changes now you're on the youtube scene like your videos everywhere you've been fucking standing being a fair playman for fights that you clearly still like fighting you still you clearly still like to be around that's in your blood but how you doing with like the attention and videos and all the back and forth with everybody and it's you know it's it's busy it's busy but I love it you know talking to strangers meeting your people you know I'm connecting with people who are struggling I only keep what I have by giving it away you only keep what you have by giving it away you know so I can me carrying a message and telling someone this and this is this is what works for me this is what you need to do don't think for one second that they don't help me as much as I'm helping them because again you can only keep what you have by giving it away you know so it quickly reminds me of why I'm clean why I go to fellowship because that's where you've come from Paul that's where you're going to be you know and that's not me saying like anyone's in a rock bottom it's just it's just because I know what it's like to be rock bottom you know and anyone wants to reach out to me I put myself out there now my youtube channel is all about you know mental health nycox anonymous you know and I just share my shit whether it's good or bad on the morning you know I'll say I'm struggling this morning getting out you know and that's all I do and people to people relate I make myself vulnerable on there because I don't want anyone to look at me and think he's full of shitting I want to hear people know like listen this is exactly what's going from here this is exactly how I feel if you relate to it drop me a message man we can talk about it you know that's that's all I want it to be I don't want it don't get me wrong I put a show off a little bit and put a few pad work out on a bit of gym stuff on there a few fight snapple yeah fighting is is a passion man if people have got the differences I would love to see people sorted out in a ring or a cage you know with with someone supervising it where once once it's got in too badly it can be split it could be sorted because I don't agree with knives weapons guns anything getting used like that I think anyone who chooses that route it's just because they can't fight and because they've got fear of getting there in the fight or whatever you know I just think it's a coward's way out but may I go to anyone who wants to sort the differences out or even just fight on a charity show or box or train or just learn self-defense that way I just think that that's the proper way to sort stuff out you know what I mean not only that it's discipline you know it disciplines you so much that like kids should be getting into it now do you know what I mean it's it's meant to watch it's my master it's a passion of mine I've actually done PT level three now like I've finished me PT level three but I'm actually working in a kura academy now in in middlesbrough which is a full MMA gym you know I'm doing PT level three in there I'm flying it's it's brilliant it's a meant environment to be around you know what I mean I love it I love it where do you go forward for a future brother forward to the future next James English which are links in there for people to get in contact first of all working Instagram to whatever video you use Instagram Paul Venice 22 I've stopped going on Facebook as much because I just get spammed on there tonight man I just spam off the spam off the spam so I've stopped opening them I've stopped going on them so Instagram Paul Venice 22 and Twitter Paul Venice and YouTube Paul Venice K1 we'll leave the descriptions for your YouTube and stuff to get involved but where what's the what's the plans you're going to be doing podcast you're going to be having more fights to be fair I'm not too fussed about doing podcasts I'm not too fussed about doing podcasts I just want to carry a message do with your live meet some new people and then I just carry a message in Icox anonymous in my mental health I'm going to start doing live so if people want a room recovery and want to jump on and share that stuff I'll do it live with you I'll come on your life that'd be awesome that'd be live that'd be class that yeah definitely bro yeah definitely listen man I'm always happy to help out yeah push other people's channels I'm in a position now where I can't do that and I genuinely do I'll leave links I'll leave things to try and push people to try and elevate them to people come on do their thing but then it's down to them how far they want to take it you the wave comes after coming on these podcasts and it's great but then the wave dies down so it's down to that individual just keep grinding man hustling and if your message is the right message you can't fool the british public anyway and you're not a man who's who's going to be talking shit anyway so people can see that so yeah people too many people talk the game but six months down nine twelve month are mask slips and people are just another one so yeah just go to stay in the path and you've came through that much to be to be where you are that's unbelievable man like you're finally be proud and proud people are watching and be proud like some of these podcasts are deep kind of recovery chats but people don't realize the amount of messages I get for people struggling yeah physically emotionally addicts through drink drugs gambling that it's all kind of under the same roof man we're all kind of yeah as you say it's a disease it's it's the kind of try to figure it all out it's okay not to figure it out but just understand if you're breathing the next day you can always go up and do something about it look at a local meeting like go and listen you don't need to speak a lot of people are scared that they might need to go and speak talk back just listen yeah understand fuck I'm not alone soon as I know he's not the differences that's all you need and I used to look and I thought fuck me man like I'm not the only fucking wrong and in the room man like he's doing his porn and stuff and I'm thinking it makes you feel good because you live in that battle that you're scared that yeah it's nice to know you're not alone any it fills you with hope and faith because all of a sudden you can hear someone else who hasn't gambled for 10 years or hasn't took the drug for 10 years and you think whoa how and he'll go because of these and you think yes and it's hope and faith around it bang on what you said there James if you ever go to these rooms there can be a scary thing to be like to be in so you can sit there because I remember going to my fest meeting thinking oh my god look at these lunatics but that was me judgmental you know no one to be there doing all that shit but the moment I started looking for similarities and not the differences and I started connecting with these people it was one I knew these yeah I couldn't say no more yeah but you don't understand if I had said that in these rooms they've just laughed because they're fucking no understand you know what I mean they're totally understand they totally get me so I thought yeah this is me yeah for anybody that's watching that's maybe going through the struggle themselves what advice would you have for them if anyone's struggling with mental health or disease of addiction first of all high power higher powers massive in my life you know I was always told a high power can be anything you want it to be it can be a power all you're going to do is just believe in a power greater than yourself I'm thankful and grateful that my power has a name you know as a face which is Jesus Christ you know I believe he died for me on him on that cross so I could go to heaven nykox anonymous it will set you free from the disease of addiction it will set you free from your active addiction which is taking drugs the obsessive and compulsion to use drugs will be lifted you know and that's all you're going to do all you're going to do is put a hundred percent effort in but after effort in tonight cox anonymous then you do to score on your next hit trust me you'll have a good life a life beyond your wildest dreams brother for coming on a dintown your story yeah thoroughly enjoyed it I wish you all the best for the future stay strong and keep changing lives bless me thank you bless