 If I breathed too much on my microphone, it stopped working. Which isn't good for a microphone. Hello everybody. How are you guys doing today? I hope you are doing good. Let me know how you are doing. I know I went away again and then I'm back again and I really hate doing these back and forth videos where I keep saying I'm back and I'm you know I don't want to do them. But I am I'm feeling I'm feeling more hopeful. I'm feeling really determined for this year and I have like a plan for this year and I'm going to try to not let my illness control my life. If it means that things aren't up to like 150 perfection, which is where I always try to be yet, that's okay too because I just want to live and do things again, you know. So I'm really hopeful this time. I'm going to put a timestamp here because I want to talk a little bit about my illness but I know that for some people they're not quite interested in that and also it might be triggering for some people as well. Maybe you're not in the headspace to listen to that. So if that's the case, that's okay. You can skip ahead. But I wanted to just talk about where I'm at and like what's been going on. So for those of you who don't know, I have JHS, POTS, CFS, I have them all. I'm collecting the alphabet when it comes to conditions. Kind of struggling. I mean having like a lot of ups and downs. But I recently started watching This Is Us and a few of the characters, they go to these like support group things. It's got me really thinking about how much I would like to do that so that I could like go and talk about you know what's been going on with me and then also support other people. And I've been kind of like trying to figure out like how I could do it. And then I thought okay well why don't I just start by standing up here and talking to you guys about what I've been doing and all this and maybe get the ball rolling. But I would like to like maybe join one of those type of support groups or like set up a support group. I know we had the Facebook page but it's so difficult on Facebook to like manage it. So I was thinking of maybe doing like a discord. Not that I know anything about discord. But if there's any other ways of like connecting with people who doesn't have to be in illness, it could just be you're going through a stressful time and you just need to be surrounded by people who understand that life isn't just perfectly filled with roses all the time. Sometimes life is kind of tough so I wanted to kind of just talk about what I've been going through and hopefully help other people feel less alone. Oh and I do want to say before I get started, if you want to share, if you feel comfortable sharing, please do. But if you do read anybody else's please please just just be kind to each other. That's what I would say like be kind to yourself, be kind to others. So if anybody is willing to share their story please be kind to each other and support each other. Yeah so but only if you feel comfortable doing it. But yes let me talk about what's been going with me. Lots of ups and downs but I've been trying a new approach with my illness. My old way of doing it would be if I ever have a good day, which is so rare by the way, but if I ever have any good days, I would use those days to be like productive and really push myself and get all of those things that I've been putting off doing because my illness has been holding me back. I've been like put everything into like those on those days. But I've been trying this new approach where I let myself enjoy those days instead and it's not very easy and I talked about it over on my community page. I talked about how asking for help and being okay accepting help that's really hard. But like this is my next thing is that on my good days I don't have to give my all. I can actually sit back and enjoy my good days and that's so difficult. That's one thing Davey's kind of been helping with. He suggested it. He was like just because you're having a good day doesn't mean that you have to just give everything to the good day. You can also just take a little bit for yourself and like let your body relax and feel a little bit of relief. Because my good days happen so few. Like I've had one this year and it actually was recently and having a good day and enjoying it that also comes with like a double edged sword. I think the term is where I'm like I'm loving it. I'm enjoying it but I then like I just get so terrified of like the next day. So like recently you had a great day. It was really nice just you know we made some nice food. We just hung out and we watched movies you know and it was just so nice and then we were it was like getting laid. It was like I'm going to go to bed and I was just terrified to go to sleep because I was thinking tomorrow isn't going to be a good day because I never got two days in a row and I just was like crying my eyes out because I didn't want to go to sleep because I was just I just didn't want to lose this relief and the way that I described it to Davey because I was like he was like what's wrong and I was just like crying and I was like it's like being underwater and then being able to get up and like get some like proper air in your lungs and feel the freedom of just like breathing for the first time and then knowing that any minute now you are going to be pushed back under. That is what it feels like and it is horrible and I was just so sad for myself and that's another thing that I've been trying to tell myself it's okay to get upset it's okay to be frustrated with this. I don't nobody wants this like this one thing I always say about people nobody wants to have these things nobody wants to be ill nobody wants to ask for help nobody everybody just wants to be happy and to have a happy life and so I allow myself to just be upset about it and that it's because it's not it's not good it's not okay it's not normal it's not nice and so I just allow myself to be a little bit sad um but yeah I eventually told myself to go to bed but there was part of me that was like I just want to stay up all night and enjoy this but I knew that wasn't going to be beneficial in the long run because I knew that was going to affect my illness if I don't go to sleep so you know you just you just got to keep going with it and yes it's difficult to enjoy the freedom and taking a deep breath and just having a little bit of relief because you know that it's not going to last but just because it doesn't just because it doesn't last just because it's it's going to be hard again doesn't mean that you can't fully embrace the deep breath and the freedom so that's that's what I've been trying to do I'm trying to find the highs in the lows as much as I can and I've just been been trying to be a little bit more hopeful and also keeping my fingers crossed about good days and enjoying them and here's what I want to say I'm not going to say like this video and subscribe and go follow me on instagram whatever what I'm actually going to say is can you just cross your fingers because I have a plan for this year and I am hoping to upload 50 videos this year only 49 to go and I'm going to ask would you guys just cross your fingers even if it's in your mind just cross your fingers not just for me but for everyone who is trying something who is just trying to get through for yourself for other people for me let's just cross our fingers and have a little bit of hope that things things are going to be okay and that we can still hopefully find the highs and the lows that's where I'm at with all that that's my TED talk and now I'm excited to to just like get in and start doing makeup tutorials and teaching I have still been teaching like like still online but not publicly I've been helping people behind the scenes with stuff and giving advice and all that so I'm still very much in it I just haven't been able to create videos but I want to get back to doing it because this is the best place to you know get my message to other people and really help as many people as I can so I want to get back to that so um yeah I'm excited if you have any requests let me know I have some really cool video ideas that I'm really excited about there's like at least three that I am just like cannot wait to do one of them is a wedding look and I'm really excited about that one I'll tell you more about that soon but I'm really excited about that one and um yeah if you do have any requests do let me know and I'd also like to know what you guys like watching online because you know I've really gone off TikTok recently like I got really into TikTok there not doing my own TikToks really but I know a few people were following me but don't have any videos on there but um yeah I don't really I post I like I like do things on TikTok but then I post it on Instagram and on YouTube and stuff I don't really do it on TikTok but I really got off TikTok because I feel like the information isn't isn't pure anymore I feel like a lot of it is like it's the video starts off like like explosions and brilliant and then it just kind of goes you know downhill from there so yeah I haven't really been enjoying TikTok I've been really coming back to YouTube and I'm enjoying it again so do let me know what you guys like to watch what you like to consume online what is it that you go for because I'm really interested in that because I feel like like because I've been taking the break I really haven't been looking at my phone and I'm so out of the loop I don't know who's doing what and what's actually happening because I literally haven't really gone near my phone I never never you know where my phone is my sister called me like three times yesterday I didn't even get any of her messages she had to call Davey and say like um where should I so I'm just not on my phone so I'd love to know what you guys are consuming what do you like what should I look into the only other screen that I'm always looking at is is my is my switch because I got really into animal crossing it's bad I love it I love it so it's bad that I love it so much because I will just play that all day absolutely love it I'd love to show you my island I've been working real hard in it but I'm really only at the basics like I don't know how to do all the things that people are doing but I'm learning so if you'd like to see my island and if you are on animal crossing please become my friend so we can be friends on there because I would absolutely love that I'm trying to think if there's anything else I need to tell you guys no I'm pretty sure that's everything for now but I also just want to check in with some of you because I know some of you've been dealing with a lot of stuff at the moment a lot of people do message me because I always try and be there for people that I've met online and stuff and I know that a lot of you are dealing with stuff and I know about some of it and there's a lot that I don't know and here's what I want to say and I want to say this to not just the people that I know are dealing with a lot but to anyone who is dealing with anything at all please just be kind to yourself because you deserve only kindness and when you're dealing with a lot it's really important just to remember to be kind to yourself and remember you're doing the best you can with the cards that you have been dealt and it's okay to be sad and it's okay to feel like annoyed at the situation that you're in and that's okay don't be too hard on yourself be kind to yourself and I'm really I'm hopeful that you find some some highs in the in the lows and that things improve and even if they don't improve even if that particular thing doesn't improve that other things around you improve so that this becomes a little easier to deal with so I'm I'm hoping that for you and for for anybody who needs that I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you so as always my friends be kind to yourself be kind to others and I will see you in the next video hopefully