 Millions of America's youth, September 14th, marked the opening day of school. To our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, it was the day for which she had been fervently hoping. Yes, I'd been fervently hoping it would never come. It isn't that I just like school. It's just that I think vacation time is the greatest invention since the pilgrims and Phil Harris discovered Plymouth and White Rock. But when my landlady, Mrs. Davis, called me to breakfast that morning, my mood was far from grim, for by that time I had convinced myself that facing a new term at school is not, after all, like returning to prison. Good morning, Connie. Good morning, Warden. Hand me the box of sweet bits, please. Oh, that's not sweet bits, Connie. It doesn't matter. I like almost any kind of cereal. Cream, please. Well, all right. Here you are, dear. What kind of cereal is this, Mrs. Davis? They're dog biscuits. Funny, that's the one kind of cereal that doesn't agree with me. I'm sorry, Connie. I should have ordered cereal from the market before you got up. I usually get fast delivery service, you know. That's because the delivery boy has a crush on me. But it's nothing like your romance with Mr. Boynton. You mean he's tried to get fresh with you? No, but I haven't given up hope. Oh, that's probably Walder Dent to drive me to school. Come in. Morning, Walder. Park is the first day of school, and once again the nostrils of America's youth methodically dilate to the pungent aroma of pencils and blackboard. How do you feel about it, dog, Walder? I'm miserable. How do you feel about school opening, Miss Brooks? Anyone for Russian roulette? Now, those are my sentiments exactly. Oh, say, I found this potted plant on your porch. Isn't it a dilly? Evidently another floral offering from your delivery boy, Mrs. Davis. Oh, my goodness. He must have left it for me last night when he brought over my yogurt and Danish blue chewing. Good on, Walder. The yogurt is on me. I'll have plain milk if you don't mind. Boy, it certainly is neatly gift-wrapped. You can see the plant right through the cellophane, Mrs. Davis. It's never green plant. It's a dilly all right. The trouble is I have too many potted plants around the house as it is. I don't know what in the world to do with it. I have a suggestion, Mrs. Davis. Since this is the first day of school, it might be a shrewd political move on my part to present the plant to our beloved principal. Hey, that ought to get you in real solid with old Marvel head. Mr. Conklin, I mean. I agree, Connie. I think it might be important that you start off on the right foot with your principal, these terms. As he said to me when I saw him in the drugstore yesterday, oh, dear, now what did he say? Oh, I'm getting too absent-minded lately. Oh, let's see now what did Mr. Conklin say to me? Mrs. Davis, how about getting Walter a glass of milk? No, that wasn't it. Mr. Conklin doesn't care if Walter gets milk or not. Connie, I just remembered what Mr. Conklin said to me yesterday. He wants you to help him reclassify his files for the new term, dear. So he said you're to report to his office at 7.30 sharp and no excuses. 7.30? What time is it now? Uh, 5.08. Fine, if I hurry, I'll never make it. Holy cow, what are you going to do, Miss Brooks? I'll bet old Marvel head's blood pressure's about to explode with atomic fury by now. And now it's already forming the mushroom. Oh, I'll have to call him and try to explain. Mrs. Davis, this phone is dead. Oh, that's another little thing that slipped my mind, Connie. It isn't really dead. We have a chap on our new party line who's rather eccentric. He keeps leaving his receiver off the hook. What? Well, he's got his nerve. Hello? Hello? Thanks a bus, my eardrums, madam. The name is Miss Brooks. Since we're on the same party line... My telephone happens to be right by my bed, Miss Brooks. Do you realize your infernal shouting jarred me from a sound sleep? Do you realize you left your receiver off the hook? Certainly. I always do that to preclude my being startled from slumber by the hideous clanging of a phone bell. I prefer to be awakened gently. Maybe the company will give you a bell with a feather on it. Look, if I should report this matter to the superintendent... You're threatening me? Fine. My name is Craigway, Milton Craigway. Go ahead and report me. Now goodbye and stop bothering me. Well, I can be mean too, Mr. Craigway. Since you refused to clear my line, I'll make certain that you will not be able to call anyone either. Don't do anything you may regret, Miss Brooks. Mrs. Davis, I've left our receiver off the hook, and don't you dare hang it up. I want to give a Mr. Milton Craigway a dose of his own medicine. Come on, Walder. Pick up the evergreen plant and we'll shove off. Sure thing. Say these little biscuits are very tasty. You've been eating those biscuits, Walder? Well, yeah. What kind are they? Want to sublease my doghouse? See how smoothly she runs since Ferguson's garage tuned up the motor, Miss Brooks? It doesn't seem like the same car. No, it doesn't. But Walder, perhaps we'll get to school faster if you take the wheel. No, no, I want you to drive, Miss Brooks. Just look at that harebrained woman crossing against the signal. I'll have to...Walder, what's wrong with these brakes? Oh, I forgot to tell you, they don't work. What? I'll have to operate the handbrake for you. Mr. Craigway, she dropped her glasses and we ran over them. Well, at least it wasn't a total loss. Don't you look where you're going, young lady. Who, me? My name is Constance Brooks. I'll be happy to reimburse you for your glasses, Miss. If you just... It isn't, Miss. It's Mrs. I'm Mrs. Gregory York of 212 E 2nd Street. Now, kindly pull over to the curb and I'll... I don't release the brake and we escape. Are you out of your mind? There's no turning back now, Miss Brooks. Mrs. Gregory York is lost in the distance and there's a dozen cars in back of you. Well, nevertheless, I... Besides, did you want to waste the entire morning gabbing with her while old Marblehead's blowing a metal gasket waiting for you? Mr. Conklin, in the confusion I'd almost forgotten about him. Walder, I have a sensational idea that'll settle all my problems. What is it, Miss Brooks? You take the wheel, I'll get out, and you run over me. Sorry, I'm late, sir. It's great to see you back at the old desk. Yes, indeed. I know I was due at 7.30, sir, but your seat was like this. Miss Brooks. When you hear the sound of my fist pounding the desk, the time will be exactly 20 minutes past 8. What's the idea? Mr. Conklin, sir, allow me to present to you this beautiful potted evergreen plant as a token of my esteem. Trying to butter me up, eh? Sorry, paper, by offering me a bribe. Miss Brooks, did you actually believe I would accept that plant as a gift from you? I'm sorry, Mr. Conklin, I'll take it out. Put it down, you Indian givers. Aye, aye, sir. No, much as I dread boring you with school business, it's my duty to inform you that there is to be a meeting here in my office at 3 this afternoon. A meeting which you, in your capacity as faculty advisor, must attend. Oh, I'll be here 3 o'clock, yes, sir. It's to be a routine meeting restricted to school personnel, I presume. By no means. We'll be rubbing elbows with an official from the State Board of Education who literally holds our jobs in the palm of his hand. Mr. Milton Craigway. Huh? The power Milton Craigway wields in our sphere is fantastic. We must therefore exert every effort, Miss Brooks, to make a good initial impression on him. You know, start off on the right foot. Yes, sir. Rest assured that heads will roll if we should in any way displease Mr. Craigway or his assistant. His assistant? She's a distinguished member of our school board. Mrs. Gregory York. The door. What a daily double eyepick. Good morning, Miss Brooks. Hi, Mr. Boyden. Miss Brooks, I've got a problem. You've got a problem. Quite serious, kept me awake all night. I have here a list of names whose homes I visited yesterday upon my return from a camping trip. I've scratched off the names of all those whom I've since contacted. When I've scratched your name, I will have scratched all but Mr. Conklin. I suppose all this sounds rather mysterious to you, Miss Brooks. It does, in a scratchy sort of way. What's your point? Well, near the campsite I happened upon some interesting fauna, one specimen of which I brought back to town. I had the plant with me when I went visiting, in fact. That's why I know I must have inadvertently left it at one of the homes on my list. It's a potted plant wrapped in cellophane. That one. Mrs. Davis thought the delivery boy had left it. It was found on our porch this morning, Mr. Boyden. Gosh, it's certainly a relief to know where I can lay my hands on it. It's cellophane wrapping is for protective reasons. You see, I wouldn't dare expose it until the moment I can actually put it to use in a biology experiment. Biology experiment? Oh, yes, Miss Brooks. That plant happens to be poison ivy. Poison ivy? Mr. Boyden? What is it, Miss Brooks? You don't have to scratch Mr. Conklin. By now, he's scratching himself. The bombshell in my lap, I promptly dashed over to Mr. Conklin's office. But neither he nor the poison ivy plant was there. Such was the case each time I returned to the scene of the crime during my morning classes. But finally, when I came back, I came back to the scene of the crime during my morning classes. But finally, when I entered the school cafeteria at noon, there was Mr. Conklin at the steam table with his daughter Harriet. As he picked up his tray and headed for a table, I leaped into action. Mr. Conklin! Oh, the tray I knocked over your tray, sir. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked unbreakable meatballs. I'll tell him you want the same order, Daddy. Excuse me, Mr. Conklin. Mr. Conklin, sir, an urgent matter has come up. You may save any urgent matters for our three o'clock meeting, which has resolved itself down to a routine personnel council, Mr. Conklin. Shortly after you left my office this morning, Mrs. Gregory York called to say that she and Mr. Craigway will be unable to attend. Heavens, what a dreadful blow! About the potted plants that I saw. It'll be ready in a second, Daddy. Let me finish, Harriet. As I intimated at the time, I cannot ethically accept any form of bribe-tinted gift from a faculty member, Miss Brooks. Therefore, without bothering to so much as remove its wrappings, I tossed the plant pot and all into the incinerator. Oh, thank you, Mr. Conklin. I'll order my lunch now, sir. Thank you, sir. Odd beaver, isn't it? Did you really burn that plant, Daddy? Of course not. I used it for political purposes, Harriet. That is, I walked over to the Board of Education and presented it to Mr. Stone, the head man himself. No wonder I couldn't find you in your office. If I'd known you were with Mr. Stone... Went the entire morning with him, yes, indeed. Naturally, he expressed keen disappointment when I told him that our meeting should not be graced by the presence of Milton Craigway and Mrs. York. What? Oh, apparently you didn't read the message I left on your desk a half hour ago. Mrs. York called back and said that she and Mr. Craigway will be able to make the meeting after all. Oh, splendid, splendid. Ah, here's my order. Here we are. Thank you. Now then, let's grab that table over there to the right. Oh, that one to the left just beyond Miss Brooks is closer, Daddy. Come on. From you want the same order, Daddy. I knew we should have gone the other way. Well, see you later, Daddy. Oh, Mr. Compton. Oh, just a minute, Miss Brooks. If you see Walter Denton, would you tell him he left his jacket in Daddy's office when he moved some files for me this morning? Certainly. Mind if I go now, Mr. Compton? Not at all. In fact, I'll give you a shove. That won't be necessary. The wind is with me. Bye, sir. Bye, Harriet. Bye. Sit right down, Miss Brooks. Here, let me help you with your tray. Oh, I have wonderful news, Mr. Boyden. Mr. Compton, post your pot into the incinerator, the poison ivy plant. Still gift wrap. In the incinerator? And that isn't all. Mr. Craigway and Mrs. York won't be able to attend the meeting. Aside from Mr. Compton, there'll be nobody there, but us faculty advisors. You and me. Just the two of us. Small world, isn't it? Yes, but... It'll be just a routine meeting. Bring. Then we'll have nothing but time on our hands. You and me. Just the two of us. Twenty of time. You might even have time for a date this afternoon. How does that hit you? Good, huh? Fine. Let's drink to it. Tea. Tea for two. Not for me and you. How does it hit you, Mr. Boyman? Good idea. I see no harm in our planning a date now that you're out of the woods, Miss Brooks. But where shall we go? How about back to the woods, Grandma? I mean, well, we'll think of something. At least I will. Excuse me, folks. I left your jacket in Mr. Conflict's office by now. I gotta talk to you, Miss Brooks. I just went over to Ferguson's garage to pay him for the work on my car. You see, the janitor had to let me in this morning because Ferguson wasn't around. Never saw such confusion. Must have been 50 geloppies there. Well, Ferguson specializes in geloppies like mine, you know. He does great work. Well, as I remarked while you were driving to school, it didn't seem like the same car with a new paint job and everything. So I... Well, I just hope Mrs. York didn't take down the license number. What are you trying to say, Walter? Miss Brooks, you were driving a stolen car. Nonsense. I wouldn't dream of letting you take a taxi over to the meeting, Mr. Cragway. I'll pick you up. You're at 6th and Maple, you say. Oh, I see. You'd prefer to walk over to the newsstand at 8th and Main and wait for me there. Anything you say, sir, yes. Just wait right on the corner. I'll be over in a jiffy. Goodbye, Mr. Cragway. Hi, Daddy. Don't bother me now, Harry. It's got to hurry. I've got to pick up Mr. Cragway at the corner of 8th and Main. Or did he say 6th and Maple? Yes, yes, that's it. Out of my way, Charlie. But I don't understand, Daddy. How can you pick up Mr. Cragway when your car's in the repair shop? Holy cow, I've plummed for God. What'll I do? I can't keep a man of Mr. Cragway's importance waiting on the street corner. This is an emergency. Daddy, that's Walter Denton's jacket. Now, what did you take out of his pocket? Denton's key. I'll take his car. Sorry, Walter, I'm in a hurry. Where are you going? I don't know, but I'm in a hurry. Actually, I'm due at the meeting, Walter, but I'm such a bundle of nerves. I don't know what I'm saying. Well, I've got a couple of dandy flashes for your nerves, Miss Brooks. Flash number one. I went outside to take a look at our stolen car, and guess what? It's been stolen. Hold on to my arm and give me flash number two. Gladly. Well, right away, I scurried back into the building, and that's when I saw her. Mrs. Gregory York. Mrs. York? She's here? New glasses and all. Right now, she's inspecting some of the classrooms. Oh, there must have been a change in plan. Did she happen to see you? See me? Oh, we had a lengthy chat, but she must have been blind as a bat this morning without those glasses you ran over. She didn't even recognize me. Really? Well, I can't risk letting her see me, Walter. I've had it. Mr. Boynton's probably at the meeting by now. I'll run over and tell him I've decided to head for the border. Oh, there you are, Sonny. Yipe. Hi. Hi, Mrs. York. This young lady is a member of your faculty, I presume. Oh, yes, ma'am. This is our Spanish teacher, Senora Gonzalez. She's delighted to know you, Senora. Olé. Laonga. Senora is from Brazil. Oh, charming. Familiar about you, Senora. Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Not too clearly, I hope. Not too clearly do I place the face. I've not too long been coming over from Brazil, I think. I've seen to your homeland many times, Senora Gonzalez, how you must miss it. See, Senorita. Oh, thanks. But I'm no longer a Senorita, my dear. Oh, no, indeed. I have an 18-year-old boy. About your age, I'd say, Sonny. I was only 16 yesterday. Of course he has aged a lot since then. Please, I just remember an appointment must go. Sorry, you have to rush off, Senora. I do hope we meet again sometime. Thank you, Sharon. I'm in conference with Mr. Cragway, Mr. Milton Cragway. So if your classroom is in order, you may go home. Goodbye. Not so fast. Will your manners, Mr. Boynt, introduce me? Yes, sir. Mr. Cragway, sir, this is our French teacher, Miss La Darcy. I know you, mademoiselle. Merci. Bonjour. I feel tower. Pardon, monsieur, I must go erase my blackboard. Will your manners, Mr. Boynt, you go erase the mademoiselle's blackboard. Well, don't just stand there, hop to it. Yes, sir, very, very good, sir. Well, if I seem in, is humor, Miss La Darcy. Let me explain that I've had an incredibly nerve-racking day. It started this morning with my being insulted by some idiotic woman, a Miss Brooks. Grateful experience, you have no idea. Oh, but I do. Sacré bleu, I do. I understand you stutely touching, my dear. There you are, saignora. Caramba again. You again, Mr. Cragway. I see you've already met saignora Gonzalez. What on earth are you talking about, Mrs. York? This happens to be mademoiselle La Darcy. No doubt you have confused me with my twin sister, who also teaches here. The saignora Gonzalez is your twin. Let's see, a week. Go up in France with papa. She's growing up in Brazil with mama. When we have babies, our parents are getting a divorce in California, so they are splitting the twins' community property. You have observed, mademoiselle, we are identical twins. Oh, what a crazy mixed-up day. How do you do, Mr. Cragway, Mrs. York? I ask this chap to bring me here to prove to him that I am principal of this school. Allow me to present Officer Cheney, who arrested me for driving what he termed a hot car. Okay, well, that's absurd. How do you do, Officer? I can vouch for this man. I'm Milton Cragway of the State Board of... I don't care who you are. All I know is I caught this bird driving a stolen car that's registered to Donald York. Ridiculous. It's Walter's entry. Why do you can identify the car, Mrs. Brooks? Brooks! A blind fold and fire when ready. Brooks returns in just a moment. And now, once again, here is our Mrs. Brooks. Well, fortunately for me, my duplicity went unnoticed. As Mr. Conklin and Mr. Cragway became involved in quite an argument about the responsibility for Mr. Conklin's arrest. Now, just a minute! If this outrageous is your fault, Mr. Cragway, I wouldn't have been caught if you'd been waiting at 6th and Maple, as you said you would. I told you I was going to walk over to 8th and Main, Conklin. I wanted to stop at home to drop off a potted plant that Mr. Stone had given me. What? There, Mr. Stone, give you a lovely gift-wrapped potted plant that I gave him. How dare you give Mr. Stone a lovely gift-wrapped potted poison ivy plant that I gave you? What? At the time, I had no idea it was poisonous. Mr. Heavens, I unwrap that plant. He'll believe it in my hands. Shake hands, Mr. Cragway. What's good enough for a member of the school board is good enough for me.