 Hey what's up you guys, welcome back to my channel. If you're new here, hi, hello, I'm Lydia and if you are new here, make sure you hit the subscribe button and join the growing family. We're aiming to hit 10k by the end of the year. I know we can do it, let's work together, raise awareness. Let's do this. So today is a video that I've made in the past, twice, but they're both so I am today making a video talking about my mental health story full in depth, so I have to do this. Trigger warning, I will be talking about eating disorders, suicide attempts, self harm, all shabang, so please be prepared for that. Watch it with your own, watch it your own, what's the word I'm looking for? Basically, don't watch if you're gonna get triggered by the talk of what I just mentioned. I was trying to use natural lighting, I failed at me. How dare it. So my story takes starts when I was seven, I was being abused by my mom and in short that made me turn to self harm. I used to take the metal ends of pencil, pencil sharpen them and I used them and that that sharpened objects to go like that. I didn't know it was called self harm, I thought it was a normal way of coating, I now know that it's not a way of coping, it's very self destructive and very addictive. Lessons will have been learned. So that's when I started self harming. The next big thing that really happened was when I was 30, I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and I was diagnosed with bipolar type one because I was experiencing a manic slash psychotic episode, which really it is what it is. My grandma's bipolar, my mom's bipolar, so it runs in the family. So that was a pretty big deal. Then when I was 16-ish, I passed out in the middle of science class because I hadn't been eating and I had the BMI of 13.6. I preferred eating disorder services who saw me twice before I turned 18 because when I grew up children's services ran up to 18 years old. When I was under eating disorder services, there was a conversation about hospitalization but I moved away to the uni so I got discharged and I was too old. I turned 18, they referred me to adult services. Adult services were going to intervene by me going to the hospital then I moved away. Hashtag avoiding getting sectioned. So now we're 18 years old, we're at university, the first university. University Central Lancashire. Shit uni, don't go to it. So eating disorder services were not very helpful. Then I moved to uni, I put on a bit away because I was, I had friends. In secondary school I had no friends, I was bullied. If you're interested in my bullying story, I'll leave that on my iCard. I'll leave this on my iCard too. There were two videos, not one bullying, one as an adult and one for high school. I don't always say high school, I wasn't high school and it was, it was a private secondary school but anyway. So at university I started having really strong suicide allergies because I missed my family which, I mean who doesn't miss the family? My grandma came to visit me on the train and I was 45 minutes late getting up so I was late meeting her because I just started sleeping tablets. So when I moved to Lancashire, this is when I got started trialing medications. I did try a few while I was under camps but I reacted badly to them so I had to stop them. The first one was ferocitin, I was 70 yen when I tried that and nope I got sent home from college four days in a row and now I'm relaxing. It's, it's, I don't know how to explain my story because there's so many different elements in that. So in Lancashire, basically I was suicidal and I called the well-being office at the university and said I was suicidal. They asked like, I said no I'm walking around the park which I was and they sent security around and then they called the police. Yeah this is a lot of medication trialing. I saw an outrower's GP and he stied me on a diazepam so my first experience on a benzo was when I was in Lancashire. I was put on to diazepam 10 milligrams three times a day and I continued that until I moved to London but we're not ready to move London yet we're still on diazepam. About two weeks after I started diazepam I overdosed and I got taken to A&E by police and I was on a section 136. So when I was medically treated they took me to a 136 suite and I genuinely didn't know if I was gonna get sectioned or if they'd let me go home and it was right but it was the day before I was supposed to get a train down to my family to see them for Christmas. So I was praying they let me go home and they did. They said they didn't, they could manage me better in the community than in hospital which I appreciate. Then we fast forwarded a year so my second year at university I had a care coordinator, I had a psychiatrist, I had a psychologist and I had a support worker. Don't see a support worker twice. I think I did. In my experience medication is trial and error. Now when I was impressed in a trial and error ability I reacted badly to that. They had me on propanenal. So, oh f*** off, horns. So I hate living on main road. So anyway back to the video rather than me pretending to be a car. I never said that in a video before. I got a sectioned twice but that year was also the year I got arrested and assaulted by officers. That's something I don't talk about very often anymore because I got a lot of hate for it. But when I got arrested, I'm not a criminal guy. The charges against me got dropped because they read out my custody record because they refused me bail because of risk to self. They had me sectioned because of risk to self. Yet why would I go? Because I called the crisis team and they called the f***ing police and I was wasting police time. I didn't ask them to be there. Oh, it still angers me so much that does. So that was on the 16th of June. June because court was in July. So between that I was sectioned before that. I was sectioned after that and then I went home to my mom and when moves on holiday in summer set I made the decision to withdraw my studies from the University of Central Lancashire. If you want me to make a video on why, the reason I dropped out of uni. Let me know and I will make that video. It's because there's more to it than I just didn't think I could study up there anymore. There's a lot to it and a lot of reasons why I will never recommend that university. So moving on. I then started at UWL, University of West London. Fresh start, didn't know anybody. Started from first year. First year went okay. I did get hospitalised a few times which then videos are on my channel. If you're interested in psych ward diaries, have I called them? I'll link the playlist up there. Truthfully, I've been through a lot of shit. So my first year at UWL went okay. I did get sectioned once and I got thrown on the floor and beat on but I've made a video about that. Again, they'd be on the iron card. So that brings us to when I moved to Kingston. Now when I lived in Kingston, I was okay for the first few months. Then I got sectioned and I posted on Twitter. Can anybody go to my flat and pick up some things for me? I'll pay you back. And that's how I met Becker. If you don't know who Becker is, Becker is my ex and we did loads of videos together. If you scroll down on my channel page, there's an LGBT one. Check that out. There's drive with me is that we've done because Becker can drive. I can't. Still have no licence. I've got provisional licence. I can drive. I can be ensured if the driver's had over five years of experience. So that's why I was able to drive Becker in the car. But anyway, that's not my main health story. That's just story news. Then it came to January and I've got sectioned. I put on section two. Transfer to a ward. The ward itself was actually quite nice. I was on one-to-one the entire admission because of risk to self. I tried to break my neck by climbing the windows and throwing myself backwards. And yeah, that admission was traumatising really because some of the staff treated me horribly. There's one that I remember that was lovely that I saw again about the year after when I was admitted. She was lovely. Honestly, 10 out of 10. So then we moved into a flat with Becker and it was 2020. And I don't think I need to say this but 2020 was lockdown. And it really, really fucked with me a lot because I was also having trouble with keeping food down. So I was relying a lot on my milkshakes. I had the four-to-sip drinks. I'll put a picture on screen of what they are. I also changed antipsychosis during this time. I changed from from quick therapy into haloperidol, which worked for me. And before you all jump on me and say haloperidol is a bad drug, I don't care. It does well for me and it keeps me out of hospital. And honestly, it saved my life. So yes. I do take prosycosium because it makes me stiff but that's it. If two pills can do that and change my life, I'll take the two pills. When me and Becker lived together, I tried so hard not to attempt suicide and now to be really real and honest. I was prescribed amitriplein at 25 milligrams. I took it in the lounge and I took all of it and then I went and got into bed with Becker and I just fell asleep. I hope they wouldn't wake up but that's what I did. I've never ended up to that and now I think back and what would Becker have done if she'd woke up and I was dead? So then we moved to the Gearing Hospital. Yes that's right. I spent a year in patient and there are plenty of videos on my channel from that time period. If you scroll back a bit, I can't link them on the icon because I've already used up all my almost lots. Truthfully, I don't think it's possible that my life could have gone any other way. But the year before I went into hospital, I took my overdose of insulin as well and that was serious. I was restrained to have glucose because I would have died. It's scary when it gets close and you actually get close to death. Relax mode. The main point of me sharing my story is to raise awareness. Now currently I'm struggling with my weight. I've lost 5 kilograms in three weeks. Some days I'm not eating. Some days I am. My blood sugars have been low and I got weighed this morning and I am at 63 kilograms now. That actually makes it 7 kilograms I've lost. I am just trying to get down to 55 kilograms which is a healthy weight cast for me because I'm 5 foot 2 or those who don't use that I am 157 centimeters. I've left parts of my story now of this. Living in London is the worst thing ever when you're trying to film YouTube videos. Bloody hell. But yeah I've left some parts of my mental health story out because I don't feel comfortable sharing but just know that you're not alone. Anything you're going through. I'm now one year and a month free from cell harm and two months sober because I had a relapse in December where I drank an entire bottle of vodka after five years of being sober. So that sucks. We've been five years sobriety just to have a bottle of vodka. And to throw up anyway so it doesn't even matter. I was very drunk. I don't have any videos from that but I wish my sister had filmed it before I started drinking hilarious. My little sister was my bodyguard. She was taking care of me while I was drunk. She's 11. She found it hilarious. She's never seen me drunk before. I live with my mom, I never drink. When the grandparents provide vodka I do drink. But anyway thank you for watching this video. I'm sorry about how long it is. I had a lot to say. I hope this gives you some hope for the future. Things do get better. It may all be a year free from suicide in the towns so it is possible. You're not alone in any of this. Yes. Stay safe, stay sober, stay drunk. Peace. My, oh clouds will run the sun. No biggie. I have a light.