 Kiritovi That was once a giant cupcake that she has now reduced to nothing. Hello, my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back I wanted to start this video with some adorable puppies running around the backyard and actually smiling because this video is gonna be pretty serious My big Sadie bear always looking lost in this video I'm gonna talk about working with chronic pain and chronic illness I'm now at the end of this day. This video you're about to see was filmed earlier today. I'm doing fine Mini breakdowns commonly happen like the one that you're about to see I started filming that video with the intention of it being like a how to work if you're dealing with chronic pain and chronic illness Like a workplace sort of thing like a helpful like how to and it it disintegrated really quickly into me Just having a breakdown about how challenging it is sometimes And so that's just what this video is gonna be and I thought I would just kind of keep it in its raw form and not Re-record it do you listen to the court listen to those chorus of shepherds behind me What So please enjoy I often try to stagger the videos on this channel so that like all sad or depressing ones aren't right after one another But you know what we're just I don't even know what video came before this. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna put it out there So you're about to see me super emotional. I hope that's okay. I'm feeling much better now and Yeah, let's do this Let's dive in I work from home And I've worked from home for a while now because my body gets in the way of me doing anything else And I recently started a new job Which I'm super super grateful for because the old job that I worked I worked in real estate Was just too much and trying to keep appointments and all of that and not cancel on people and Have my brain function at the speed of need to function all the time because real estate doesn't stop Just wasn't working. So I made a decision to switch careers to something where I could work from home Primarily and in taking a new job. I have to have a conversation with a boss, right? about the limitations that I have and that is always something that terrifies me and I think one of the biggest reasons for that is I hate admitting the limitations that I have because it Reminds me of the reality that I live in It reminds me that there are things that I really can't do so I have to set very specific limitations And I have to explain that like hey, I'm usually, you know better earlier in the morning And there'll be some days where I can't do anything at all because I get horrible migraines that are so bad I can't think function breathe exist anything and Structuring my days is really important and meetings not being too long is important and I hate Having to balance Everything so precariously every day when I'm working. I really appreciate that I can work I really appreciate that I can work from home, but everything is so Delicate and so structured because the littlest stupid little things can set it off and can make it so that I'm in a lot of pain the rest of the day or Make it so that I can't work the rest of the day or make it so that like I still have to work because I have Meanings I have to go to but it's so difficult and it's so hard It's so hard to think or to put things into words or to do anything and I get stressed out About getting stressed out because if I get stressed out then my pain can get worse And then I won't be able to work and then I'll have to cancel things and I can't do that and it's it's always a moving target There's no actual solution It's always a balance between taking enough medication or too much I don't mean too much like more than prescribed but like what's what's the balance so that I I feel functional So I can actually work and be like a human being who can communicate But so I'm not in too much pain that I that I can't sometimes I feel like it's a full-time freaking job trying to manage Everything that happens in my body in my head like being in chronic pain and having a chronic illness And that's not even remotely related to my leg Which hurts too, but that's like beside the point because that's honestly right now minimal compared to other things I can't express to you how much energy it takes to try to balance Everything to get through a day To try to balance what amount of energy I'm gonna spend where which medications I'm gonna take so I can still Be cognizant and function but not being enough pain like how I'm gonna manage my stress so it doesn't trigger other stuff and like just it's such a balancing act and I I always feel like I'm Failing and I'm I'm always behind. I'm so lucky to work with people and to know people who Get it and who have graced with me as much as they can but sometimes it's just really hard never knowing like What the next ten minutes are gonna be and not being able to be reliable for people or for myself or for anything Never knowing what my body is gonna do to me next I try to do everything that I can't do to manage it the best that I can but I still feel like I'm failing at that all the time too and it's just Hard I think for me part of the problem is too is it's such a it's such a moving target Like some days some things will help and other days those same things will make it worse Like some days going and sitting in the Sun will really help like will help me like breathe better Will like help with some of like the nausea and shit like that and just like clear in my head and then some days Sunlight even if I don't have any headache or any migraine really trigger it and make it so much worse or even just like the heat of being outside will make it like start up or make it worse and Some days drinking like tea some days drinking tea will be super helpful and help my system calm down And then other days it will make me feel more sick and make things worse And it's like such a frickin guessing game all the time I've lived with this for years and it's still a guessing game and I feel like I don't have any control like there's no frickin and There's always more that I could do Like I'm sure people will leave leave suggestions in the comments of these videos of like hey Here's what's helped for me or here's what I've done and it's like I'm open to that but I've literally heard everything I feel like and I have tried everything and there's always something else that could be doing like this morning I didn't do any kind of physical activity before I started work because I had a frickin migraine until 2 a.m. and like needed to sleep in and So I didn't get up early enough to do other things. I would normally do to take care of myself And it's so frustrating. It's just like so frustrating never being Physically okay, and there are times where it's like fine. There are times where I'm like actually all right There are times where I have really good days and when I'm able to get through like everything and I feel on top of things and all of that but That's not the norm the norm is I feel like I'm just like drowning and I think part of my life right now is trying to make peace with that trying to make peace with the fact that that's just where things are right now and I can't control it and Trying to change how I see things and how I experience things and sometimes it's so hard to explain things and like try to put it into words because Being in pain and also specifically the kind of migraines that I get like interfere with how I can speak interfere with how I can like put Things into words so if I'm interacting with clients or other like Not employees other people like I work with or my boss or whatever sometimes like trying to put things into words is so confusing And I get so like lost and it's it literally takes Every ounce of focus that I have in my entire body and like all of the energy I have To like focus in on what I'm saying and be like this is what's happening This is what I'm experiencing like I'm not feeling well in here It's like even just like a two two sentence version of it so that people will understand and even then I'm sure it's usually Confusing and it's just I feel dumb like I feel so dumb So much of the time because I feel like so much of my mental energy is spent Trying to balance making it to the end of the day trying to balance giving anything done and there's only so much anyone can do and so Other parts of my life just don't work really well, and I forget things constantly like I'm so bad at responding to like messages and keeping track of things because I just Can't more more than normal like I know everyone is trouble remembering normal things There's much in all of this that I am really really grateful for Truly like that I can work at home and that my sweet little dogs come over and check on me and say hey and give me a smile throughout the day no matter how I'm feeling and That I have a husband who really gets it and who understands like we both work so much We are both constantly working and I try to like take care of the house as much as I can but like that rarely ever gets done and I don't ever frickin cook and Brian gets it like he never pushes me to do more than I can and I try to do the exact same thing for him because he's Got a lot on his plate too, but I just wish that I could be more normal more typical more fill in the blank I just wish that I could function better. I wish that it wasn't always a guessing game and whenever I feel like I have a handle on it Something slips something changes and I suddenly don't all over again It's just sometimes overwhelming to try to deal with everything and I should probably Figure out better ways of utilizing help But that's the other thing like I'm always trying to find like a better system and always trying to find a better way of managing things And that's overwhelming too because I just I never feel like I'm enough I never feel like I'm doing enough even though I'm doing everything that I can feel like this shouldn't be such a sticking point for me Even though I hate the word shouldn't but it's weird to me that I look so okay That I can go to like meetings and stuff like that and I look so okay. I look so fine. I look so normal typical healthy whatever and it can turn in a second and I can be Literally shaking and it's so much pain and unable to put words together and just can't Think straight or do anything or I can be having a conversation with someone and using every ounce of strength and focus I have left To make words work and to try to make them unaware of the fact that I'm like Really not okay because it's not the time for it because the time for it is rarely and this happens so often Like it's so weird to exist in that duality where like I'm I can seem so okay And I'm so not okay, and I don't know. It's just weird. It's just all so weird I just wanted to turn on the camera in a moment where I wasn't okay where I'm I feel all messed up and emotional and not okay because I Know a lot of you guys feel the same way. I know a lot of you guys relate to this in one way or another I Know I'm not alone and please know that you're not alone, and it's just really hard It's really hard to live like this sometimes And that's all I have for now. Thanks for letting me be real with you guys It is a gift that you give to me. I really appreciate it Thanks for sticking around for that video Like I said it is an honor to speak with you guys, and I appreciate you being open to my emotional Vulnerability that means the world to me by the way my little shepherd puppy over there cries when she destroys things She like cries as she's ripping things to shreds. I'm not sure she probably needs therapy to anyways A big thank you goes out to all of my patrons over on patreon You guys make all of this possible you help me more than you know, and I'm truly forever grateful for you guys Thank you to each and everyone who took some time out of your day to watch this video today I am so thankful for you guys. It blows my mind that you guys do that for me, so thank you I love you. I'm thinking of you and I'll see you guys in the next video. Bye