 Fresh off last Saturday's mistrial, yesterday Bill Cosby announced a series of town hall meetings to educate young athletes and married men on how to avoid accusations of sexual assault. Hey Bill, here's one way to avoid accusations of sexual assault, don't rape anyone. It's 3 a.m. on Friday, June 23rd, 2017. I'm David Feldman, we have a lot of show, so let's get right to it. On today's show from Letterman and Comedy Central, comedian Lenny Marcus, New York's most beloved comedian, David Joskow, Peabody Award-winning comedy writer, and comedian Jim Earl, comedian, comedy writer, and one of the funniest people in the world, John Ross, and comedy writer, Ethan Berlin. Let's get right to it. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Welcome to the broadcast, I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanshow.com, please friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website. We got a small percentage of everything you've purchased, and if you're doing your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website, hit the contact button, and let me know so I can thank you. Lenny Marcus is a New York City-based comedian. You may have seen him on Louie, The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, The Short Film, The Unimportance of Being Earnest. You've done Letterman three times. Yeah. Wow, you've been on Live at Gotham, and all the other stuff. And joining us also is David Joskow, who we're all in love with. Everybody loves David Joskow. The Year of the Godfather is over. It's just over. I'm gonna talk to Lenny and Sicilian, if you don't mind. Oh, well, I can't. Oh, good. I'll see how I tie him food in this place. I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. That is one of my favorite seasonings. I'm gonna talk to him behind your back in front of your face, right? He's the worst cop ever. He really is the worst cop ever. So the Year of the Godfather is over. Yep. I saw the last episode at The Cellar, left so hard. This is how diseased I am, Lenny. You can hear it on the tape, it's exciting. You can hear it, it's David Feldman laughing. It's great. That's how mentally ill, I'm watching it, and I'm thinking, and I apologize for saying this, but I have to be honest. I'm thinking if I'm ever in hospice, this is how diseased I am. And I have the money. I would pay David Joskow, all of you guys, every day to perform The Godfather for me. You know what, I'd do it. Yeah, I would do it too. I would do it. I've been trying to work with Dave forever on something. I mean, I saw him 20 years ago do this thing. When did you do The Odd Couple? Explain this. It was 20 years ago. Tell Dave about this project. 1999. I just got to New York. The same way we did The Godfather, we did The Odd Couple, except we memorized it and staged it and did it verbatim like the TV show. We did the password episode, you know, the classics. The airplane one, Flying Felix. And he played Oscar in one. We switched it, so I played, my friend Kevin Cash, we switched it, I played Oscar in the first one and then Felix in the second one. It was at a big theater, wasn't it? Yeah, the first time we did a Catcher Rising Star. Right. And then we did it at the Judith Anderson Theater. I was at that one. It was going to 42nd Street. Yeah, right, we did the Flying Felix and the Howard Cosell with Tom Shilu playing Howard Cosell. Yeah, and I was just a new comic then and I kind of knew those guys. They're like, let's go sit, we love The Odd, my friends and I love The Odd couple. So we're like, let's go down and see this. And I was like, who is this guy, Dave Just-Gow, and how did he pull this off? It was great. But I would think so. And I was pissed, because I knew every line to The Odd couple. I was like, how do I not know this guy? Well, as we did it just the right way. How do you do that? If you pitched this idea to me, I would say, The Odd couple's already funny. So why are you... I didn't change it. Were you doing it ironically? No, no, not at all, we did it verbatim. We just did it. So you were getting the laughs you're supposed to be. Yes, exactly. But the whole key for somebody like Lenny, who knows every line, was doing it the correct way and with the right inflection. Somebody, we know The Odd couple so well. It just like the Godfather, those important lines that Natterman can't seem to get. You know, will make anybody laugh, even if it's not funny. Like even just, Oscar picking up his pants when he's getting angry, moving his belt around. And somebody like Lenny. But he got like Karen Bergerian to play, like Myrna Turner and she sounds like Myrna Turner in real life. I was just so blown away. Like I could have done, couldn't I play Roy or something in there? I didn't know you. We didn't really know each other. You know I would have, I would always have you. So for years, so finally I got the nerve to go up to him years later and go, hey, remember that Odd couple thing? Like if you ever do that again, I'm in. Whatever you need me to do on that. And... Did you memorize the... Yeah, yeah, we memorized it. I mean, we had a script. I transcribed it. They didn't have scripts back then. So I transcribed it from the TV show. And my friend Lawrence added in the ones where they used to cut Channel 11. He added in, he knew them so well by heart. He knew the stuff they used. Like the flying one. We're like, it's the safest route. Santa takes it. They would always cut that line out. For time. They would always cut it out for time. And he remembered all the lines, yeah. Wow. And then the one with Howard Cosell, we had Natterman was even in it. He was. Well, he was in the original one where he played the report, the joke, Felix hired a joke writer. You know, it was a Natterman. Each with his hands to destroy Oscar. That was the David Steinberg one. And then I went to L.A. and did it and had Sarah play David Steinberg. And then on the David Steinberg show, on Showtime, he goes, I understand you played me in production of the outcome. She goes, yes, my friend, David Boyd, Jessica, was doing the show. And how was it received? Not well. Something went wrong that night. I don't know what happened. To the exact same show as somewhere else that worked fine. In case you're coming to this without knowing David Justkow's previous appearance on the show, he staged a year of the Godfather at the cellar in New York, where you re- Let me play in Tom Hagan. That's right. And the only direction I was like, uh-oh, this is gonna be hard because there is no impression. I mean, Dave gets the, it's really Dave just jerking off whenever you want. You know what I mean? It's Dave doing all the impressions that he can do. And we're all just accompanying cast, you know? But there is impressions you can do. There's certain things. Robert Duvall. So the only thing I got out of my head when I read the script was I am the straight man. Well, that is true. That's it. Tom Hagan is the straight man. He's the outcast. They all make fun of him. And that's how Dave kind of wrote, that was my interpretation of the script. That's true. And then just to be fair to the rest of this cast, you are the director. So we come in with an idea and then it's your job to direct it. So in days just so people don't know and the postmortem, everybody I was telling these guys before the show. There is a postmortem? Yeah, like... Is there a pre-mortem? Cause it didn't look like it. Dave gets mad at everybody. We literally have the script for like a day. And then you read it. You get it a month in advance. Nobody chooses to read it. So I got, so wait. And I expect men to know all the inflection. David, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Let's not even go here. So anyway, at the end, we go there for a five o'clock rehearsal, one rehearsal and then it's go time. And that's it. That's all you have. So the next, so everybody leaves happy because everybody loves the show. And then I go home thinking that was the most fun I've ever had. And everybody's so happy and everybody's high-fiving and drinking after. And then the next day you get word like Dave is shitting on all of us on his podcast. Like why? It's my favorite thing to do. What is the matter with you? I like to pick on everybody's acting. People get mad at it. Russell and Eve didn't talk to me for six months. Yeah. I literally had a call and he called me. That's how I found out. I'm like, this motherfucker is shitting on us. Let me explain to the listeners. And by the way, that makes it even better that he's pissed off afterwards. That even makes it more enjoyable. That's my favorite thing to do. So it's idiot. It's true. I love everybody. It's true to the script but there's also this Mad Magazine element to it. So there's a lot of jokes added. Well, that's why immediately when Naderman is playing Michael, you realize, okay, whatever casting he does goes. Dan Naderman to me is inspired because it makes you wonder if he's ever been seen in a movie. Noem, the owner of the comedy cellar, and I talk about this on a daily basis. I don't think he's seen it. And Noem is there all the time. He's the owner of the cellar and he's the one who said I could do it and he plays the mandolin during the performance. And he gets mad at me. He goes, you're the director but he's yelling at Dan for not doing it correctly. And then I don't want to step in. He's angry at the, he gets me started almost goading me to get angry at everybody else for not doing it correctly. But I feel bad. So I think- So then I do it behind their backs. The Godfather may be the American Bible and maybe the third testament. There's the old, new, and then there's the Godfather. I think I've heard the Godfather quoted more often in this country than the New Testament. No question. Thereby making your production sacrilegious. That's why it's so funny. You are messing with some of the core tenets of modern business. It's true. I thought about that. I thought about there's a risk but I hit all the proper things that everybody was waiting for. That's why I feel like I keep in certain things. Let me hear the funny paper. He does. He has integrity in doing this. Right. And then there's people like- Let me hear the funny paper. I don't know. Me and the funny paper. And then check the telephone lines. Remember that was my favorite line? Mamadook, I'm the funny paper. Mamadook, Mamadook's funny. He's so big. He can't fit on that couch. What's he doing on that couch? I look forward to reading it. It's literally my favorite piece of literature. You're very kind. You're the only one that actually reads it. No one else says- I read it cover to cover because one, I don't want to screw up. And two, then I go back and watch the film. I have it loaded. It's like one thing saved on the DVO. At the end of the day, that's the one and I load it to the- It's the one thing I can't find women that have watched the film. Every time I cast somebody in it- Rachel's brother. Rachel Fine-san was right. Well, Rachel does her own interpretation of whatever she's doing. Third wave feminist. She's never seen the movie, which is fine. That's fine. But Bethel, who's a friend of your Bethel Karim, who's a really wonderful actress, like really, really talented, has never seen the film. So she wasn't very good in this because she didn't know what to do. Is that possible? And it's my fault too for not- I'm trying to convey the best I could, but you are looking for an imitation at some points in the inflection of what they say sometimes. And she just wasn't getting it. It's not her fault. She hasn't seen the movie, you know? I mean, what are you gonna do? He had Mike Beshetty do- Well, that's the best. And it is, it's the first one. I don't know if you know Mike Beshetty. He's a retard. That's what they used to call it before they found autism, you know? Yeah, I mean, he's on the- Well, Luca Brasi was it. Exactly. So him, and he plays him in Fredo, you know? I mean, people know Mike. When it came out of his mouth, I mean, I howling laughing. He gets an applause break when he gets on stage because it takes him an hour because he's so heavy. And then he's just like, ah, ah, ah, ah. And he's memorizing it, but he's memorizing it in the same way that Luca Brasi's memorizing it. People think he's acting. And he thinks he's acting. He's not acting. He's just, it's dead on. But wasn't that how Luca Brasi got filmed? Because he couldn't- He couldn't, yeah. He couldn't- Is that right? He was- Oh, he couldn't get it right? Right. He couldn't get it right. So he was sitting on a chair going, I can't do the imitation, but, you know, Godfather, may your first child be a masculine one. That was actually him trying to memorize the line. Oh, so funny. And they had a mic. And Francis Ford Coppola said, roll it. Wow. And then if you look at Brando in the scene when he comes in and does the lines, Marlon Brando starts cracking up. He does? Yeah. I can't believe I'm telling you anything. I gotta say this. I can't believe I'm telling you anything. Well, I guess I noticed, but I didn't even know why I think I just thought he was cracking up because he goes, look at this retort, he's playing up to something nice. Like, I thought it was more like that. No, he was laughing at the guy playing. You knew that, right? No, I didn't know that. So, Lenny, how old are you, Lenny? Do you mind if I ask you? Sure, 51. Are you really? Oh, yeah. I thought he was kidding. You look like you're 30. It helps. It helps in show business. Yeah, I started really late in the business. He just got married. I did, I just got married. You look unbelievable. I think you could pass for 30. All right. Not a Gentile, but you could pass for 30. Yeah, I'm never gonna pass for a Gentile. Look how Tanny looks though, man. You know what? I was just in Italy. But we'll get to that in a second. But speaking of Italy, because I wanted to ask you, so you're 51. Yeah. So the Godfather is a big part of your life, right? Yeah. Do you think it's a generational thing, the same way back to the future, my kids have this whole inner dialogue about back to the future. Do young people embrace the Godfather the way we do? Because there's an expensive gate into the Godfather. You have to invest time and you have to invest about 10 viewings to see the layers in understanding us. Because you really can't follow the story unless you read the book. I saw it later in life, actually. I saw it almost in my late 20s. Really? Mm-hmm. I saw it in the 90s, you know. By the way, folks, let me just, the rest of the show is gonna be about the Godfather. So. I assume that's why it was called. Yeah. And that's it. And so fast forward. Sorry. Because we're gonna be talking about the Godfather. Oh, that's great. Great for me. Yeah. But I saw it later in life and was completely blown away from the very first opening sentence. Like, Sonny trying to get through the causeway. Well, just even from my... I believe in America. You know, I remember I got in on VHS at a store and I just never... I got young people. What's a store? Sorry. What's a store? They used to sell videotapes at a place that you could buy. Anyway, but I just saw it and I was blown away from the beginning. I remember my father kicked me out of... He got mad at me because I was watching in his space and I'm like, shut up! Because I was completely riveted from the... And I didn't think it was gonna be that way. I really just didn't know anything about it. Nobody had... I mean, people had talked about it great it was, but I just didn't get it. And right from the very beginning I was completely hooked and then he made me leave and then I went upstairs and rewound it and watched it again from the beginning, even though I only got like halfway through. Lenny, when did you first see that? I think it was on... When Cable first blew up, like what was it, like 80s, early 80s. That was one of the big movies that was first on... That's a great image. I don't remember that being done. Easter is an indication of... What's his name? I don't know. So the guy, the... Well, wait. The guy of the Jew. Roth. Hymen Roth? Oh, he was the... Oh, yeah, he was called. And I never asked who gave the order. I want my own doctor. That's the one guy when you watch him. Like, I believe in messing with you. I don't trust a doctor that doesn't talk English. Smaller piece. I never lie about my age. How old are you? I'm 81. It was... He was interesting because he was an acting teacher for all those years. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, and they put him in that and like... Well, Pacino, that was all Pacino's doing, I think. That got him in. Oh, no, maybe not. No, it couldn't have. He just became friendly after. Pacino put him in because there's no way Pacino had any pull. Maybe he did by Godfather II. Yeah, by II, I'm sure he did. Do you think he'd had something to do? Because I know he was a student of Lee Strasburg. So do you think Pacino had something to do with getting him the part? I think so. I think they wanted to hear stories about how Lee Strasburg abused Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. Apparently he did, yeah. Really? Like, in what sense? Like, sexually? Well, I think... You're a horrible actress. I think he was not nice to her. Huh. Well... What did he think he was? A Kennedy? I don't know. I wonder if I would have been nice to her. I would have been, first of all, jealous that she didn't like me. And then secondly, I'd be like, you are a horrible actress, sweetie. I mean, you're very pretty, but you're a horrible actress. If I was an acting teacher, I would have said like, listen, you're gonna make it on your looks. You're a horrible actress. Just live with that. I mean, I think I'd be angry if I was an acting teacher and she was in my class. With that stupid, but you know... I'm like, what are you doing? Dave would have murdered her on his podcast. Yeah, so I wouldn't really let her have it. What's so funny about the Godfather, or any of these things that you pull off, is how seriously Dave Just-Cow takes it. Dad, heart attack, serious. And you guys couldn't care less. Could not. And he's gotta put up with that. And that's what makes it funny. But I do care on some level that I want him to like it. I want him to like what I'm doing. It drives me insane when they don't read it. When Artie pulled out the script that night on stage for the FedEx. Oh, well, that's all you cast him. Well, he was the perfect Clemenza and he sells tickets. It was a good move at the time. When did you see the Godfather for the first time? Had to be in the middle 80s. And I'm sure my father said, this is a good movie. All right, that's something about it. The acting is so good in that movie in some ways. I just think it's riveting when you watch- You're right. Like Brando, you heard about Brando a lot. That's what I was saying. And he was like the only foray. Everything else that would Brando's been in was probably black and white or whatever. So that was like a big, not only did it have big cachet behind it, but... That's a good point. It's got all these stars. I'm like, this movie has to be good. I'd never seen Marlon Brando in anything before. So I was just like, well, let's see what this guy's all about. That's what he was talking about. It's amazing. And I'd seen Al Pacino. My favorite movie was Injustice for All. So I didn't even know he was in this movie. Like I had no idea what his part was. I think Howard Sturr was talking about one time talking to his mom. He goes, your son was amazing in that movie. And I just couldn't understand. And then I was working at a video cut, like HBO video production. And they gave me the copy and I'm like, fine. Cause you gotta, like you say, you gotta commit. Do you think the Godfather is easy to follow if you've never read the book? Do you think it's a difficult... I never read the book. I never read the book. Do you think the movie is easy to understand? Cause I think it was directed and written and edited presupposing that everybody already knew the story. So they took out all the ligature. I never had any problem. You know what's funny? I didn't have any problem following it. The whole time you fill in the parts of what that aren't there. But when Dave writes, when Dave shits on it in the script and I listened to you guys talk about this once, I'm like, it really does not make a lot of sense why you would cut from this to the, but he put, he saved this movie and editing from everything you hear. You know, like I was impressed with, you know, like the thing with the toilets. It's one of the funniest things. How does Tessio know about all the toilets? And I think when you're a kid, you are. I mean, I asked my dad these questions when I was a kid. I wouldn't have thought of that for a second. Not for a second. So when Dave breaks it down, that's when it really gets funny, the Dave's show, because it's like, oh my God, I never, that is hilarious, how anybody would ever think. How many times have you seen the guy at Father's? It gotta be at least 50. It's easy. Because anyway, and I don't, I say the movies are not like this anymore. Maybe, and I'll give it all open the floor. Name three other movies that if they are on, you just, when you're flipping the channel. Casino. Yeah, definitely. Anything Scorsese does. Yeah. Goodfellas. Goodfellas, yeah. Better than Casino. What is it? Is it The Mafia or is it just that movie? I think it's those particular movies that are so well done by really good directors. You know, Goodfellas is that, I'm planning that in March. I'm starting that in March. I'm doing The Grease, then Love Actually, and then Goodfellas. You're in everything I ever did. Okay, good. Wow. Goodfellas. That's gonna be interesting. Goodfellas, it'll be super fun. What I'd like to do is if I'm gonna ask, but if I can get Jim Brewer to do, Joe Pesci, I mean, that would be some fun. Yeah. Oh, then my God. That'd be fun. Otherwise, I'll just have Natterman do it. That's even better. Have Natterman do it. Have Natterman do it. It's 50 times. Well, at least. At least, and in parts of it, you know, you're flipping through. I feel that way with The Matrix, sometimes. I can watch that every time. No, Pulp Fiction's about the last movie that I could watch over and over again. Do you think it's because it's not about the story anymore, it's about the acting and the music and the scenery. And it's also about the nuance and the lines that you, and Brando's such a force. Like, to this day, if you pitch Marlon Brando to me now, and the guy walks in and he's like, like, you get out of my office. Nobody, yeah, somebody was saying that there are no actors anymore that are like both are unique look. Brando, unique thing. Everybody has a unique thing anymore that you could even do an impression, do an impression of Brad Pitt, somebody was saying. Right, right. That's true. All the actors today are not, they don't have those idiosyncrasies you can pick up and imitate. But in that movie, everybody does, almost everybody does that you can try. But I was actually thinking today, I was talking to somebody. Hang on for one second. I'm gonna push back on that. Michael Lewis, the author, had a movie I call The Big Short. They made. I hated that movie. Well, yeah. He said something kind of interesting about male looks and kind of speaks against what you just said about Humphrey Bogart. Because Humphrey Bogart was not attractive and he was a leading man. Walter Maffau was a leading man. Shouldn't have been according to Hollywood. And what you're saying is that they've gone back to. Pretty boys. Pretty boys. But Michael Lewis said that he walked the red carpet for The Big Short and he was looking at all the pretty boys. And he said, you know, they're not really pretty. If you look at, well, obviously Steve Carell. I'm sorry, The Big Short was good. I was thinking it'd get shorty. Big Short, I enjoyed very much. But even that. I mean, even that. But Gene Hackman, what is not classically beautiful. No, I mean, those guys. So I think, and if you look at, but they're not in movies that you go, I gotta see that movie again. Right, I'm just talking about being good looking. Like the guy from La La Land. What's his name? Ryan Gosling. I mean, is he classically good looking? No, but he's charming. Right, so. But there's nothing about that guy that if you take him out of there and put four other actors in there, you would be like, okay, well, it was so much better with Ryan Gosling. You know, there's nothing like. I used to do imitations. Excuse me, Walter Mathaus got that faith and that whatever he's in, you're like. And you can do an imitation of him. You're just, Felix, I don't know. I mean, there's things you can quote them and do the imitation with these. Yeah, exactly. You can do about Brad Pitt. Uh-huh. So you were fans of the TV version of The Godfather. The Godfather, the odd couple. Oh, yes, yes. More so than the play, which I think is bad. The play's not bad. By the way, I have to apologize. I've had an hour and a half of sleep today. I did a thing for. Who's fault is that? Saul Colt's. I did a FreshBooks seminar for people who are self-employed when I had to be up at 6 a.m. And then I didn't get any sleep. So I'm kind of out of it. The memory goes when I need more than 90 minutes of sleep. You look refreshed. Well, I mean, I really have to sleep. That's what they should call a refresh books, instead of a fresh book. You look good. Well, thank you. So my memory's a little shot. The odd couple, the TV version. Yes. I never got into it because I just thought Jack Klugman was so, this is sacrilege. I thought, because of the movie, you'd seen the movie. I'd seen the movie. You didn't care for him, huh? And I thought it was just so, I hate to say it's just bad to say this. Yeah, we disagree. It's sacrilege. We disagree. It's not sacrilege, we just disagree with, I've never heard anybody actually say that before. It was just over the top. To me. I hair took Walder math out. I don't feel that way. I thought it was better. In fact, I'm with Dave on this one. I thought it was better. I wish Dave. Sorry, Jessica. And I think it's just because we probably saw, and I know this fact. I saw the show before the movie. There's no doubt about that. So you're like, wait, people played this before these two guys? Nobody will ever top that role for Tony Randall. I mean, he was that guy in real life. So that was, and I just thought he played off of him perfect. I bought him as a sports writer. I bought him as a slob. That's for sure. Yeah, that's why it makes me so angry about that Matthew Perry one. Oh my God, it's so. Tom Lennon is excellent. He's excellent. He's a really good actor in everything he does. But Matthew Perry has the slob guy that. We didn't quite buy it. Just makes me very upset. Is that still going? No, it got canceled. Oh, it finally got canceled. Oh my God, it used to bother me. Well, I will say this. I think Tony Randall was a better Felix than this is. Then Jack Lemon. Jack Lemon to me was more missed than hit. Again, so. Oh, I agree. I hated Jack. I didn't care for him, his acting at all. People used to worship his acting. Yeah, very bad. I just didn't care for it. There was nothing to him. To me, he was very dull. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, you and I might be the only people. People get it's sacrilege again to say like, I just didn't care for any of the stuff. The apartment is a miracle. I mean, he's had a couple of roles where he should go down in history as one of the greats. For me still, even in that movie, which he is, it's fun. He just brings nothing to him. I'm not getting anything from him. I'm not getting the charisma that I get from certain other actors. Tony Reddell made that role fun. He was so quirky. He played up all those quirks to the hilt. And that's what that part of the movie. I get more certainly from Shirley McClain. I mean, even, I'm just saying there's stuff that she's in. I get something from her. I enjoy her acting. You know, I mean, I've even watched her postcards from yesterday. I'm like, she's really terrific in everything she does. I never got that from Jack Lemon. I agree with you. In that movie, Walter Mouthout is better in that movie. Yeah, definitely. I totally buy him as the. And there's movies of Walter Mouth, like the Bad News Bears, which he's amazing in, which is so good. And Jack Lemon has none of those movies. I mean, in fact, maybe grumpy old men, I don't know, but it's still not as good as the Walter Mouthout part. Well, with Walter, he's not acting. And with Jack Lemon. He was trying to act. You just get the manners. You get the moves and the ticks and their conscious decisions. You can see the strings. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I think. Walter Mouthout was so good at playing, kind of who gives a shit. You know what I mean? Like he did, like him a slob. Okay, who gives a shit? Well, sometimes you don't realize that. But he also played like a leading man. He would all, like in Plaza Suite or California Suite. Fascinating. And sometimes you don't realize he's actually acting. But it is acting and it's very good acting. And it's one of those things you don't realize where I think you were saying sometimes with Jack Lemon, I can kind of see the acting. I remember I used to think about that with Christopher Reeve. I thought he was the greatest because he was Superman. So I would see anything he was in. But you could see him acting and really trying. But who cared? Because he was delightfully. It's like I didn't, like that movie where he goes back in time. Christopher Reeve, the Superman. Was he in Remaine's? Oh, he was in Remaine's Day. No, the one where he goes back in time in his mind with Jane Seymour. Oh, I can't think of a time. I can't remember. And it's just, he's so horrible. But it makes no difference to me. It just, I enjoy his presence. There's something to him. There is something about certain people on camera that you go, okay, I'll watch that guy do that. Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future is a great exam. He's not the greatest actor of our time, but he's really funny and enjoyable. Does that movie capture you the way it's captured the millennial? It does for me. It's the, yeah. Alex is waving. He's saying, yes, absolutely. I love Back to the Future, but I don't watch it. But it's not on, the thing about Godfather is like, TV is so, there's so many channels now. Back then, Godfather, like, it's limited. It was limited into what you could see over and over again. So Godfather just gets in your head. I talk about this all the time now. It's so great nowadays. Like the other day, Star Wars was just on TNT at like eight o'clock at night on a Saturday. And I was like, I lived for the day where it would be on like channel 11 when we're growing up. Now you're not watching it. Are you watching it still? I still watch it. I watch it every time it's on. I can't help myself. Star Wars. Uh-huh, the original one. Lenny? Nope. Me neither. I wasn't a big Star Wars guy. Me neither. I remember my parents were. And Gilbert Gottfried was one of the big Star Wars. Yeah. I remember going to see it when it came out and I felt I was being played by it. Well, you were a little older than us though. This is like, it was in the 70s and I'm going, what is this? But how old are you? I'm 59. When did you see it? I saw it when it first came out. Oh really? I saw it when it first came out too. But you were in high school, so maybe you were a little judgment. Like I was the perfect age. It was made for, I was 13. So for me, it was the greatest movie I had ever seen. Because it was finally a space movie that was funny. And Harrison Ford was, they didn't have characters like that ever. He was so funny and so cool. And you know what makes me mad is that now everybody knows a lot of the stuff. Like I used to be like a real nerd where it was like mine. Like even Star Trek with the Kopiashi Maru. Like now people know what that is. It makes me angry. Like the way they make Comic Con now it's like normal people go. Like hot girls go to. It used to be for nerds. You know me? You're gonna tell one to a Star Trek convention back in the 90s. Just the two of us in Gilligan from Gilligan's Island. That's another guy's Shatner by the way. Riveting in Star Trek, sorry. Oh yeah, yeah. Riveting. And a horrible actor, technically. But completely riveting. Bought everything he ever did. Whatever acting talent that is. And Spock too, whatever, learning the emotion. Yeah, right. Bought everything at work. And how good is that acting if you look at even Kirstie Alley in Star Trek 2 and they got rid of her for a contract dispute and then they bought in another girl to replace her and she couldn't do it, this girl Robin Curtis. She was horrible. It's hard to play a Vulcan and do it and be where you're like, wow, this is really good. I mean, it's like you're playing a really dull person. And then this guy bring light to this dull source. You know, it's a miracle really. But both the odd couple and funny that he said on Star Trek they both did better in reruns. Channel 11. And that was the greatest channel for us. Why? Because they were pretty good shows. Yeah, they were really good and people just didn't respect it at the time. Channel 11 versus channel five. Where are you from, Lenny? New York. When I was growing up, channel 11 had some kind of culture too. There was a, it had the honey, more of a working class. That's an excellent point. Lowbrow. Yeah. Who had the three Stooges? That's channel 11 also. In the mornings, on Sunday mornings like the, I think the Stella and... Right. It was more of like the daily news. That's an excellent point. To channel fives, New York times. Would you say that? Yeah, that's good. I never thought about that before. You're right. You're more likely to see the David Susskind show on channel five. That's true. That's what was on. Channel 11 had like Chuck McCann was channel 11, right? Chuck McCann? I don't know. Who's that? Chuck McCann. I mean, I know who he, what show was that? He was a Saturday morning guy. I don't know that one. Nope. You don't know who Chuck McCann is? Well, I think I know who he is, but I don't... Are you a Three Stooges man or a Marks Brothers man? I like the Marks Brothers better. Yeah, me too. I hated the Three Stooges. I like, the only time I like the Three, yeah, I didn't really care for them either, but I liked them during a rain delay during the Mets game. Then I find them funny for some reason. You know what, Dave's right. Small doses. And I remember it turned out my friend ended up repackaging them and they go, hey, I saw your name during the Three Stooges during the Mets rain delay. And he's like, oh, they're still running those? And I'm like... There are a lot of people who are closeted Three Stooges fans who will, if you get a couple of drinks in them, will admit that they don't like the Marks Brothers. Really? Yeah. I thought the Marks Brothers was the most fascinating thing I'd ever seen. Yeah, because for them, the dialogue too, also. I thought Groucho was the funniest. I mean, he was so fast. And everything out of it, literally every line he says is meant to be a joke if it doesn't... They say Duck's Soup is the greatest comedy ever made. It's one of the best, it's so funny. It's so quick. Yeah, I mean, they're all so quick. And then you hear stories where we grew up that how they rehearsed it and they would rehearse it in front of people like and do it, you know, the movie. You can clearly see it's one long sketch, you know, but God, it's so good. Stooges are good for certain things, but it's funny when you add them together, you have Bugs Bunny, because then you have the Slapstick and the lines. You're right. But we... The Marks Brothers was so smart, but he... We like the lines, the dialogue. And especially, you know, way before we were born, they were making this really funny stuff. Right. You know, when we were born, when we were kids, all of us, movies sucked and there weren't good comedies. You know, until the 80s, really. I can't think of anything I really enjoyed. Do you feel you might have been bullied into loving the Marks Brothers because your parents... I was never bullied into it. And did Cavett and Woody Allen... No, I found it on my own. Okay, yeah. I was never bullied by it. Me too. Have you ever been bullied into liking a comedy or comedian? Yes, every parent I ever met made me think that the one with Jack Lemon and Tony Curtis... Oh, some like it hot. Some like it hot was the greatest movie that I saw on my... This is horrible. That's what I said. This is the funniest movie ever. Are you kidding? Yeah, they built that one up way too much. You have to see something like that. You'd have to be there in 1961. I just watched an interview with Woody Allen. He hates that movie. Oh, that makes me so happy. Look at us. Woody Allen hates someone. We worship Woody Allen. Because the premise is that you have to buy, right? He's in drag. Yeah, it's silly and stupid and it's not as good as Woody Allen movie, which is so smart. But how many Woody Allen movies come on TV and you lock in on them? All of them? Really? Yeah, I'm talking about the comedies and that like Annie Hall's been on... I'll watch that every time. Manhattan's been on cable. Blue Jasmine. I will sit and watch every time it's on. Definitely Hannah and her sisters because I can do every line from that one. Nobody cares, but I can do... I could do The Godfather with that one. I could do... I could do a great Max Montecito. Let me hear it. Okay. Oh, man. I'm trying to keep a straight face. I watched television today. I'm doing a wallow meeting a sandwich because that's the way he does it. I watched television today. Can you imagine the mind of someone who watches wrestling? Why try everything from deodorant, commercials, Jesus? Jesus needs money. Jesus needs money. Can you imagine if Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name? He'd never stop throwing up. God, I can't take this anymore because she just was cheating on her... She was with Michael Cain at that time and that's what he's spewing. And she's like, this is horrible. You've been kissed tonight. I'm too smart for you. Sneaking around behind my back. You don't buy a painting to fit in with a sofa. I don't know. And I can do everybody. But you do have feelings for me. I'll feel as if I'm walking on air. But I don't care, neither does Lee or Holly. I guess let's go back and forth all over the place. I guess that's where I can do the entire script by myself. In fact, when I heard that there was a reading of Hennessey's is Somewhere with a Bunch of Celebrities, I was furious that it did not get the call. And Michael Cain, which was Sarah's boyfriend, and then I called her with a phone. I knew listen to me! And I'll tell you, I was like so angry. It was like Olivia Wilde and stuff. And whoever was playing Max Vonsita was some dork and it really made me angry. And they weren't doing an ironic. I don't even think they were doing the imitations. Oh, well, they... Yeah, they weren't doing it ironically. Is that considered his best written script? Hannah and her sisters? Well, he won the Academy Award for the other one. I mean, for Annie Hall. He won for Annie Hall. He's in Crimes and Misdemeanors. Oh my God, that's perfect. Well, see, I look at it like this. Without Annie Hall, there's no Manhattan. You know, he couldn't... When he was trying to work out this new kind of... For him, filmmaking, you don't have Manhattan without Annie Hall. It kind of perfected what he was trying to do in Annie Hall. And he was trying to perfect Crimes and Misdemeanors. He was like, well, couldn't I do really funny comedy and do real serious drama? So when Hannah and her sisters, he's kind of preparing and then Crimes and Misdemeanors, he gets it exactly right. Crimes and Misdemeanors is amazing. It's amazing, film. The fact that nobody else could pull that off where you're crying, laughing at that Alan, all this stuff. Nobody makes that documentary and I'm crying, laughing. And then you're riveted in a completely different way. And the fact that they all come to get that last scene with him, which is the poster of the movie, with him and Martin Landau. It's one of my favorite scenes that I can watch over and over again. And he goes, when they're just talking, he goes, I understand you're in film. I've got a story for him. And he explains the whole thing. And then that's how you find out what happened. He's just explaining. They cut away and he just goes, and then one day, wake up, the sun is shining. So he's surrounded by family. He finds, he prospers. He's not, you know, whatever. He goes, yeah, but never do that because under the eyes of God, he would never be able to get... You've seen too many movies, my friend. Or human, we deny. We rationalize. Otherwise, we couldn't get through life. I mean, this is great. It's amazing. And it's Woody Allen, you know? The guy that made Sleeper, you know? So that's what makes him, you know, ingenious. Broadway, Danny Rose is one of my favorite movies. Oh, God, right? Of all time. And Alex, he's got the poster. Yeah, it's... And I still, we did lines for it in the coffee. I put it in and he goes like, what is it, $20 bill? What is it? It means nothing to me. It's a fascination. It's a fascination. I have the best Danny Rose story. I do this on a daily basis. Have you sat down? Have you gone to the bathroom? Have you? Because I have the best Danny Rose story. And also that scene, and particularly the opening scene with all the comics sitting there, is like the one scene, I think, has actually captured comics the way they would actually... Excellent point. Talk, like just selling little, quick little stories, and then a guy doing an impression just like Dave. James Mason. Yeah, exactly. And I know when I do my James Mason, he's adding it on purpose. So it's like, I'm trying to do it. All right, do the James Mason, yeah. Well, I just realized, man, what's he doing to me? I've done that a hundred times when I thought I was like, all right, do the chump master, all right. Like, you do that joke, I do that joke. That joke died? Right, that was great. Corbett, Monica, Will Jordan, they're sitting around the Carnegie, right? Yeah, at the Carnegie. Carnegie Deli, which is a class. Yeah, I mean, really, what a great way to open a film just like that, you know, when you watch just that first five minutes before they get into the plot, it's fascinating. Like Danny says, it's a... Yeah, it's really the way comic charts, the way we used to go to diners and just talk after the improv especially, right the West Way. I've watched that scene with Dan Vitale. Right, Dan Vitale, exactly. I've watched that scene a million times, he just, the way he pushes in, he dollies in on that, you know, like just, because I make some films sometime, but that scene rivets me, like how he captured, it's hard to capture five people in a circle and he nails it. Where did you first start doing comedy, Lenny? You say you came to it late in life? I did, I was working for EDS, Electronic Data Systems, which was Ross Perot. EDS Ross Perot, of course. GM. That's right, and so that's... General Motors. Yeah, he spun that company into General Motors, he sat on the board of directors. And then he took it away from GM again. That's right, well, he was gone, but what happened was the board of directors, they're such old time money and stuff, they said, okay, they put him on the board of directors, we'll make this company hip, and they hated him. They hated him, and he's like, we gotta get, you guys are in the... Ross, why do they hate you? Why? You don't do Ross Perot? I'm not even gonna try. So I dave every impression. Anyway, so they said, we'll give you... We'll give you Reagan. The standard Reagan. Okay, we'll give you a lot of money and then you can take off, so we'll be there for you. EDS, it was an early software company. Yeah, it was a computer consultant company with Arthur Anderson, those were the two big guys fighting it out for... Who went out of business after Enron? Was it Arthur Anderson? Yeah, Arthur Anderson. And then not too long. The EDS now got bought by HP, so they're gone too, which is just mind-blowing to me. I heard HP merged with Viacom, they're calling it HPV. We'll be right back, hang on, let's call it right back. I'm kidding, we're not gonna be right back. Sorry about that. Anyway, so I was... What or should you have a background in what? Computer science. Really? It's an opening joke. It's funny, that's how I paid for the... When I left that job, I was in the Midwest, I was working in the Midwest, I went to Dallas for a while in New Jersey and I started, I did it two times at the Stress Factory at the New Rutgers, and I did the open mics there. That's where you started, God, I just wondered that too. I never saw you around when we were starting out. No, I did the open mics there. We're about the same age. Yeah, and then I would come in to say, somebody said you could bring people to Stand Up New York and they'll put you on for five minutes, so I would run into Stand Up New York and do that once a month. So you're a Jersey boy. Well, I was originally from Long Island and then the whole travels took me, I was like, transferring me closer to home because I hated the Midwest and so they transferred me, it just happened, I wanted to try something else. I was working during the day and I ended up working for that company for like 14 years. North Brunswick, yeah. How far is that near like Bell Labs? Isn't there like a whole corridor? Well, that's 40 minutes away. The assignment in New Jersey was AT&T and the assignment in the Midwest was GM. My EDS had those two clients. Those are their two big clients. Bell Labs was in Berkeley Heights, I think, right? They're all over the place. So you work for EDS and you suffer from E.D. Who told you that? Everybody. So somehow I made, eventually I had the company, when I was good enough for comedy, transferred me into the city. All right, I'm curious about this. Sure. You, computer science. Yeah. I just did this thing for fresh books. For Saul Kohl, a friend of mine. I didn't get paid, I'm just not plugging anything here. And they said during the seminar, in terms of business and marketing, technology changes, but humanity doesn't. And you went into computer science, I assume you majored in it during college? Math major, computer science minor. What was computer science, I'm gonna guess, 30 years ago? Yeah. So what was it 30 years ago? Kohlball. What is Kohl? Kohlball's a language. They needed those. I'm gonna speak Kohlbolt. How's the town get food here? Kohlball, Kohlball. I'm gonna speak Kohlbolt. Do you feel me? Let me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Identification division. Data division. By the way, I wanna do a show, you won't do it with me. Where you don't talk as David Joskow. Why wouldn't you do that? Of course, David would do that. I never said I wouldn't do it. Oh, and where all you do is the Godfather. Yeah. So nobody talked about that. I said I would do that, whatever you want. I don't know if you can, I don't know. You're gonna throw in every line that you can do. I could, I try not to interrupt too much. But I don't know if you can have a tendency to do that. I don't know if you could not be David Joskow. Yeah, I could. I mean, I could, I think I can do it. I would just love to have somebody like you who knows the Godfather. Mother. You just be, just do that every now and then. I got a cold ball in my pants. It's young girls you're playing with. Wait, wait, wait a second. What if I said to you. You're a big Hollywood fanokia, it was your problem. What if Vito Andalini, there's a young comic named Vito Andalini who's here. And I go, can you do Ross Perot? It's really not my wheelhouse. Or if you just go, let me finish, let me finish. As Vito, would it be funny for Vito Andalini to be saying, let me finish, let me finish? I don't understand. Oh, that's Ross Perot. Another way. Oh, science. You hit on something I just said. I mean, I remember Ross Perot, but I don't remember him saying that. But it would be funny if you could either do the imitation. George Bush Senior is on it, right? I got a thousand points of light, I got a thousand points of light. Read my lips, George Bush. Hang on, we're gonna get, listen, I just want to program next week. Could you come by next week? I can come for you all the time. There is no other place for his talent than right here. What if Vito Andalini is my sidekick? Okay. Give me a blessing. So, wait a second, we're doing the show and then you either can do the impression and if you can't do the impression, you do it as Vito Andalini trying to do the impression. Okay. Yeah, whatever. I better go, young kid named Herman Ross. That wasn't his real name, we decided to call him that. Anyway, you would say. It was Herman Ross, just do any impression and say like. You know, I just saw the deleted scenes, but that's why he was a different name and they named him that, right? Maybe after the guy who fixed the 1919 World Series. Oh, that's right, that's right. The thing about the deleted scenes, some of them could stay in. Yeah. But there are a couple of deleted scenes where you say, wow, if you had kept that in, it would have felt like it's... Changed the day. If you had kept that in, it would have felt like... Changed the dynamic, possibly. Yeah, it felt like a TV movie. It just felt so one dimensional. So much of good movie making is what you keep at it. There's that scene at the hospital where Marlon Brando demands... Save me, Godfather. Or he demands him to go visit Janko. Right, right, right, right. And he's yelling it out, Pacino, and the way he is, it's like, it wouldn't have fit. It would have changed the dynamic of the film because I don't think... Brando is yelling at who? At Michael. Oh, to go save the company. No, to visit Janko, like his old partner. And he goes, you're gonna do it. And like, he was too... It ruined the kind of myth of his... That he doesn't get angry really, and that he just wields this power, let alone the fact that Michael was gonna care for him so much, it would have ruined that scene as well. It's fascinating, like you said. One deleted scene from a TV movie could have made all the difference in the whole world. And Janko, by the way, two things. One is, until I saw that scene, I didn't know that Janko was an actual person. You never had Papa Janko, look what I got. I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought Janko... About the olive oil business, right? I thought Janko Olive Oil was like the name of a company, like Co being the company. Yeah, me too. What is it? Papa Janko, look what I got. That's what he said. That one, like you have... Oh, Sonny said that to you. He was a consigliari. I didn't know this either. When Tom Hagan is the consigliari, he's telling Sonny to calm down, he says Papa had Janko, look what I got. I never understood what that meant. Janko was the consigliari. Because they cut out all those themes, so you're supposed to know, but meanwhile it doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter if you were okay with that back then. It's funny that they even kept that in. They didn't have to explain it. Right, because it'd be like, geez, nobody knows who Janko is, maybe we should. Can I tell you a quick Italy story? So we're in Ravello and we're passing... We've done everything you could do. We're walking through Ravello and there's an olive oil store. So we go in the olive oil. I love bread and oil. I can eat bread and oil, that's it. So we go in the olive oil store and there's an Italian guy and he speaks very good English and he's telling us all about the olive oil and I tell him and he takes out bread. I got all the... If you want to try the samples and we ended up buying oil from this guy. Wait a second. When he... Didn't Lenny say to the guy on the store there are a lot of men in America who would pay a lot of money to know where Lenny is right now. But then they wouldn't have a store on the money. And then, and then, yeah. Lenny was hiding. If anything happens to Lenny, do that. Wasn't Lenny, you were there hiding. Yeah. He was hiding, is it American hiding in Sicily? If anything will happen to my son, right? And Lenny. Oh, I thought you were doing the... Do the one with the meetings of the five families with... Oh, right. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. However, I'm a superstitious man. If my son Lenny should get hit by a bolt of lightning and answers the wrong winner at the Oscar. I don't know how to love for you. If Donald Trump becomes president, he just, he just strikes those ridiculous things. I mean, the bolt of lightning is really more realistic, you know? That's Donald Trump president. I mean, that's ridiculous, right? I'm in the store and the guy, we're paying for this oil, we're having a chip back. And I say to the guy, and my wife is signing the credit card and the guy is looking at me and I go, what ever happened to the Genco company? Did it go out of business? And this guy starts laughing. Like his eyes light up like, like it's an olive oil joke in an olive oil store. Who could do this joke? And he gets the joke. We walk out, my wife goes, he didn't know what you're saying. He was just, I go, you don't even know what I'm saying. He goes, no, I don't. I explain it to her and she goes, he didn't know. I go, a fucking a hundred million dollar guarantee. He knew what I was talking about. He's in the olive oil business in Italy. Of course he knows the Genco company. This is your fiance. My wife now. This is your, how long have you been married? Six months. Yeah. Sorry, I'll take it from here. Seven months. Seven months. Well the thing about Lenny is, which is kind of awesome. And I'm with an Italian girl, so really she should have blown up in a car, right? I'm Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Thursday, Thursday. He waited a long time to get to find the right girl and he did. She's lovely and it's amazing. You don't hear that a lot. He waited to, and he tried. Like, you know, he really was very picky, but he found a lovely girl. It's a great story. Nice. That's good for you. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring everybody down. I'm just making it right. It's early at right, Dave. We're all very happy for him. We're all happy for Lenny because everybody was always rooting for him to find somebody nice because he was picky. He's rooting for everybody to find somebody nice. Nobody you want, you know? Yeah, but everybody loves Lenny. Everybody would love Lenny. Nobody's rooting for me. Nobody cares. You know what? Lenny's a lovely guy. Love is eternal. Even when it ends, my third wife. I hear the peanut gas. Every Friday, she still gets a box of chocolates from me because she's a diabetic. But I was waiting for it. I was like, there's no way this guy's got it. I came up with that last one. It's great. I think I may have given that joke away to somebody. Really? It's a good joke. That's to take my wife. So? So? Does it work? I don't even know. That's why you should ask. I take it out. I don't want to do it. You know what? I'm trying to do a get laid set these days. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I do the opposite of that. Is that possible? It is, but I do the opposite. What do you mean? I'm trying not to get laid clearly when I'm doing whatever act that is. And I keep talking about my mother and I going on a date. It's like all the stuff I do is to not clearly get laid. It's an embarrassment. Yeah, my act was like that too. When I first, I realized I looked at my act and I thought, oh, I get it. I'm in love with my wife. So every joke on the road is to push women away so I won't be tempted into adultery like that would ever happen anyway. But I started going, everything, every joke was designed to push women away. And I started doing my act. I started laughing at how unattractive every joke makes me. So you were in computer science 30 years ago. Yep, for 14 years. Permanent education. Had you just froze in time 30 years ago and had one job and didn't educate yourself. Yeah, and be out of a job. And stayed in computer science. I would be out of a job. Why would you be out of a job? Because they don't do cobalt anymore. They've got... Well, I know, but wouldn't you don't think you would have evolved to whatever they... No, I'm saying... If I didn't evolve... They're saying that in order to survive, you have to keep learning new things. Oh, that's true, yes. Whereas comedians, all we have to do is just be funny. Yeah, but you still have to learn new things. Like, I mean, I suppose as a bad example, I mean, my imitation, the way I used to be a comic, I used to do imitations of people that nobody would know anymore. You know, like Charlton Heston and people like that. Like from the 50s. And now there's nothing I can do. Because, you know, but if I was younger, maybe I could learn more stuff. But I don't, you know, I don't know who I can... We were just talking about it. There's not a lot of choices, I don't think. Yeah, I'd be... Here's Brad Pitt. Going into a McDonald's. Stand up is the same thing. You know, those OJ jokes won't work anymore, you know? Tell me about it. Yeah, I mean, you gotta keep learning new things. Those OJ jokes. Stay away from OJ. He's getting out of here. But that's why somebody like you will always be good because you are, you read the papers, your whole act was political. And politics will always work. Lenny, I read the papers. Since I was three years old, I read the papers. I read the papers, I read the papers, I read the papers. Also, make sure you get the telephone. Pop, what's the matter? What's the matter? I don't know. I drink a lot more wine than I used to. That's okay. That's okay. I like wine. Good. They have all those rosés, now I enjoy it. You know, much better than I used to have back then. It's okay. I got everything under control, Pop. I don't know. I just, not enough time back then. Maybe it'd be Senator Feldman. Who are Pence and Avante? I don't know, that's right. Who are you going to be in Goodfellas? Karen. I don't know. Karen? I think I would be really Yoda, I guess, because I think I can do a pretty good one. Or maybe I'd be DeNiro. I mean, that would be nothing but fun because I just enjoyed, like I even, did you watch the Birdie Madoff thing in HBO? I couldn't get through it. Me too. I had a problem. I couldn't get through it. I could get through the first hour. I mean, Rich Drive was amazing. That was fantastic. I liked the whole operation. But the one part that we can get, because you always want this from the DeNiro one, which I'm sure this didn't happen because it just doesn't make any sense, is when they were at in the Hamptons and whoever he was ordering for his son, he's like, no, have a lobster. He's like, dad, I don't eat lobsters. Like, just get him a fucking lobster. And the guy's like, sir, do you want a lobster? And he goes, don't, what are you asking him for? Just I told you to get him a lobster. I'm paying for this thing. So then he got the old school DeNiro in this one little moment. And that's all you can hope for, you know? Right. Right. The hell are you asking him for? I don't know. I love that movie. Who's the Jew and Goodfellas, the wig maker? What's his name? Oh, Mori. Mori. Oh, Dan. I'm not paying him on the thing. Well, that's the part I probably wouldn't have played if they were casting it now. I want my money. I want my money. I want my money now. I want my money now. When he's doing that, aren't you sweating? Like, you're going to shut the fuck up. Oh, I'm so nervous. Yeah, you're yelling at the TV. Shut up. Take Cleveland plus the points. Plus the points. It's like, he's going to shake money on me. Fuck him. Fuck him. All right. And then that's the best when Ray Leone was laughing when his wig falls off. That's what I try and do. I try and be that guy who just laughs when something bad is happening. It's just better to go along with it. Like, I've had girlfriends whose brothers are disgusting and scary. And whatever they say, I just laugh like Ray Leone at like a hyena just to like kind of. This guy's hilarious. And then they're like, you know what, I'm going to let you fuck my sister. They said this to me. Yeah. Who's going to play Karen's mother who's also Carmela's mother? That's right. Oh, wow. It's also Carmela's mother? Yes. What, is it the Sopranos? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Karen's mother is Carmela's mother. Carmela in the Sopranos? Yeah. The Sopranos. I didn't know that. Yeah. Just, yeah. And Spider. And Spider. That would be funny. And Spider is Christopher. I thought you said, are you okay, Spider? I thought, I don't fuck what I say, I'm just stuttering. Yo, what's that, that, that? Yo, go home and kid. Yo, go home and kid. Easy. Wait, you shoot the guy? What's the matter? What are you, a fucking psycho? I didn't know, I thought he was kidding. I thought he was fucking kidding. Oh, no. You're going to fucking... No, you go clean it up. Fine, I'll clean it up. I don't care. I got to get lime. I play that scene all the time when they go to his house with the mother. With the knife, I got to use this knife. Because we put it in the cup, father. He said, what was it? Why do you think they have dinner at four in the morning? Oh, but isn't it great that she has all that food of her? Sit down, sit down. We cut the paw, the hoof. Yeah, hoof, poor thing, you know. I got to use this knife, I'll bring it back to you. And then they see that picture. And she's like, oh, I love this picture. Didn't he tell you about my artwork? He's like, I love this picture. You got one dog looking this way, one dog looking this way. And the other guy's saying, I don't know what the hell's going on here. So what? And then she's like, so what? So he's looking one way. He's like, one dog's looking this way, one dog's looking this way. So what? The mother says that, which is Scorsese's mom, right? That's what makes it even better. She's like, Henry, you don't talk much, do you? Yeah, what's the matter with you, Henry? You don't talk much. I don't know, I'm just listening. Who's going to play Phil go get your shine box? Frank Vincent, actor, right? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, Hardy would be good, but he's unreliable. You can't have that. No, bust your balls a little bit. What's the matter with you? I'll bust your balls a little bit. I'll probably play all those parts. It's easy for me because I can do it. Do it as a one-man show. I'll bust your balls a little bit. That's all, that's what I would have done with the Godfather if I could. Oh, geez. Now, what are you going to do about the music? Because so much of Scorsese, I do say Scorsese. I'm going to have a- Did you notice that? I didn't say Scorsese. I'll have no playing. Yeah, he knows all those songs. Those guys can play anything. All right. They're amazing. So you learned cobalt. Sorry? Cobalt. What is that? It's a programming language that they use on mainframes back in the day. I used to do that, too. Did you? No. Everything you learned in college. Yes. Is now worthless. You know what? There's probably some legacy systems out there that they do not want to screw with because there's a lot of data flowing through all this stuff. So I'm sure somewhere it's still floating around but they've had to, I've tried to find some people who still kind of work there and they've had to transfer all that but it's a lot of programming language. I mean, you're talking about hours and hours of man work to do something. Like even the Y2K, remember that whole thing? I was there for Y2K and that was like, everybody was literally just waiting for the end of the world because I don't know how they didn't see it coming which was my always my big thing. How do you not see this like in 1990 that you would have to have it instead of two bits you'd have to have four bytes, four bytes to hold the number, 1900 and whatever. Had nobody seen it coming. I think they've seen it coming. Slow down for one second, slow down. Explain to the listeners what Y2K was because it was a wake-up call and then the follow-up question is suppose nobody saw Y2K coming, they let it alone, would it have been Armageddon? Yes. So explain what Y2K was. Y2K was, okay, so every date that you have out there, like what's today's date? 06, there's two characters, you could have it as one, but two, 06, because you're gonna need that. So program- Just guys here, we got 400 characters. Programmatically, you could see how you can go from zero to 12, right? So you'd have to create a space in a database for how many characters, two, right? And then same thing with month, day, but year, you could put it in as 65, 75, 85, 95 to 99. Then what happens when the millennial or whatever the word is? So 2000, you'd go back to zero. So now any date calculations for payroll or you could see what would happen here to calculate you work from this day to this day. Well, you can't work backwards to the year 00. So any calculation that would happen, any payroll that would happen, any bills that would happen from this length to this length, it would make the program go kablooey. It looked like you worked for 99 years instead of then you'd overpay by this month. So every database in the world had, for some reason or if you're smart, they had four characters for it. If you weren't smart, you had two characters for it. Y2K was all about you had to recreate your databases from two characters to four characters. But when you map out and say Colbal, name, address, date, like that, name you a lot in your program, 10 spaces for the first name, 10 spaces for the second name. Let's say the year was you allowed it two spaces. So the computer, the program knows to read in those next two spaces only the number will be the date. Okay, can you not do your act? I'm just explaining, this is like direct from your last letter. You had to make that two characters, four characters or all the programs wouldn't work. That's the bottom line, so. I just hate it when guys come in and just start doing their bits. Literally, not computer bits. Do exactly what you mean because, you know. Y2K, it's the idea of what are you out and talking? Everybody through, they were just through the radios. And this is Bill Cosby saying hello everybody. What's your clue, what's the problem? What I loved was I haven't been following the Cosby trial just because it's, you know, it's a slam dunk. You would think. And I just turn on the news and he's walking out like three days before the Hung Dury. Hey, hey, hey, hey! He's having the time and all of a sudden, no longer blind. He's no longer blind? No, apparently not, I don't know. Why? I just walked into his room. That's what I thought, but apparently he's just walking around. Hey, hey, hey, hey! I don't know. So. Seems like he's not blind anymore. Like he was walking like, you know, before the Hung Dury, he was walking. Everybody was walking him, they're holding his arms and then he was just walking out, what's up? It's like to the mafia, it's right back. The mafia, they can't talk, they can't walk, they can't think straight. Right, Vincent the chin. Vincent the chin. Viconti, walking around in his bathrobe. Just proving that he's completely lost his mind. Going back to computers. Sure. Cos that was a fascinating. U.S., that is a thing. You know he works for the New York Giants, right? Yeah. You mean he works for the New York Giants? That's what's fascinating how he got the job is amazing too. I'm a statistician for the New York football Giants. He has to work eight to 10 times a year. Yeah, tough job. Well, that way he can do his comedy. He doesn't have to give it up when he was doing his comedy. You're a statistician? Yeah. For the Giants. Isn't that cool? I see him at the games all the time, it's really cool. What do you mean? What do you mean you're a statistician? He sits in the booth for everybody, you know? We sit with his team of statisticians that chart the plays into a computer. And he's like a Giants fan. It's like a dream. I still have my computer background, I didn't lose it. And what is it? So like any play that goes on, so Eli Manic fades back to throw, so you put in 10, you know, pass. Somebody will yell out to who, 88. You put in 88 under the receiver and then you got to tackle at what yard line and the computer, boom, spits out that statistic, you know, gain of five. So somebody gets, he gets five yards passing. The guy gets five yards receiving. You get five, you know, and you do that for every play. And it takes like two guys on a computer to do that and eight guys with pencils to check them, so. And you've been doing this since the 80s, right? Yeah. Well, no, since 91, since I moved back. Since I moved back, 91. When I moved back from the Midwest to EDS in New Jersey, the league went computers for statistics. They used to do it all in pencil, all these guys. So I was in on the ground floor. I love that. And I've been there every Sunday. Every Sunday. And how happy are you when you're doing that? I am so happy. I'd be watching the game anyway and they're paying me and feed me and I'm in the press box and get down to go down to the field. He had his wedding around their bi-week and their London. They were in London. They played in London in the morning and I got married in the afternoon. After you go to London, you get a bi-week, so I knew I'd be back for the next weekend. Not anymore, but he got lucky. I hope he got lucky, it was a sunny one. I heard he did mode. Yeah. So you're watching football at a whole other level. Whole other level. You see things that nobody else's, or a normal person. I don't know, these guys are, there's a lot of big football fans out there, but I definitely have insight to the giants that a lot of people don't have, but. Yeah, I'm not even gonna make jokes about that. And he would always get me the Jets playbook every year. No, not the playbook, I give him the media guide, which has every stat ever in the history of the franchise. I'm like, okay, if you really want to look at this, Dave eats it up, you know? Does past performance inform future performance? Are you able to see trends in football that other people don't see statistically speaking? Statistically speaking, I don't deal with those, like save a metrics or link what they, I'm sure they take all this, they take so much data in, not more so game data, but they do use like a lot of our data for paying out contracts or seeing productivity. But they'll chart, my friend will go down on the field before the game, and you'll come back with this chart that looks like these crazy lines on, you'll be like, what's that, it's the wind. It's the wind chart for the kicker, like which way for the coach. So he can say, if we're on this yard line right there, which way was the wind blowing? It was going to the right, it was going off to the right. Did Vince Lombardi have this kind of information? I don't think so. He just had one play and a great team, and he had just discipline, it's a discipline game, and he had just incredible discipline. When you go back 30 years before, I would assume they didn't have statisticians. No, they always did. They always had status? They've had, these guys have been doing it. When I got there, the guys had been doing it. The people who were there before me, they were there for at least 25 years. Makes sense, they got it from baseball, which covers every stat ever, so it makes sense. Well, there's this Elias Sports Bureau, it's got every stat of everything ever, and sometimes we would get a call from a guy who was like 90 years old, and he was amazing, and he would go, no, you should put that play in like this, because this is why, and he would. Yeah, in college day, I saw they had that guy who was like 100 working for the University of Virginia, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, thanks, but he finally got to retire. Look, if you ever want to get the Elias people, they're amazing. What is Elias? Elias is like the main sports tracker for statistics. Can anybody access that stuff? That's a good question, I don't know. How much of this, I'm being serious, I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to get you into trouble, so I want to be careful. How much of this is OCD, obsessive behavior, everybody's part, not just yours, and how much of it actually helps you win a game? Because you just said to me, which I found interesting, you use it, I want to get you into trouble. I'm going to tell you a great story. I'm going to tell you, you said, you use it to determine how much to pay the players. So I go, okay, this is a form of control, it's really not about winning, it's more performance review. Well, you're talking about, I'm doing game stats, okay? They're doing another level of stats. So let me give you, they're doing tendency. So they'll, this is not part of my job, but one of the other stats or the computer people will figure out a tendency of a quarterback on a certain down and distance. This is not what I do, but certain down and distance, which way, what plays they would like to call. They have another team would like to call. So the Giants, when they were going to the Super Bowl one year, okay, they were in overtime, and they knew that in a certain down and distance on the field that Brett Favre loved to throw the ball. I'm not going to get you into trouble here. No, to his left, okay, to the left and... Back and to the left. Back and to the left. He loved to throw the ball to the left in a like a, and they knew this. They had gone over this in the pregame. They said, watch, if we're in this down, he won't throw this on third down if they get into this situation. They told, and the stats people said, this bears out. And sure enough, it happened. The Giants guy, the defensive back knew this. Remembered it, stepped in front of the guy, intercepted the ball, Giants kicked the field goal, went to the Super Bowl. It's called the magic bullet defense. Back and to the left. Well, they ended up with that statistical information that they had charted. They went to the Super Bowl on this. And my guy, my boss at the time, got called out as far as like statistical, like in the team meeting like that was great work by our stats crew, or not me, but the regular people that work for the Giants full time, whoever came up with that information. Thank you very much because we just went to the Super Bowl off that play. So a lot of it is used way more than you think. In Casino, and I don't wanna get you into trouble. No problem. In Casino, DeNier. Rothstein. Right, right. Plays this great bookmaker, odds maker. He's Rothstein. And he gets information on the grass, the blades of grass to determine what the odds are. Listen, the Jews making a lot of money for us, and obviously they take care of it, make sure it's okay. This has gone on for years, the Jets, okay. Okay, hang on for a minute. I'm sorry, hang on. I'll tell you a sports story's all right. This is why this show is so amazing. Somebody opens up a window and we go down it. Do you take into other stats on blades of Astro? You measure blades of Astro? I'm not measuring blades, but they do, to get to that point, everybody knows this. The Jets had a great team in 1977, and Dave will know this game I'm talking about. They get to the AFC championship game against the Miami Dolphins, and it's a guy, it was called the AJ Dewey game. It's number 77 for the, just look at Dave's face and get upset as it is. But the Jets had this amazing- Why is he getting upset? Because he knows how it ends. The Jets had this amazing running game that nobody could stop, and they go down to Miami, okay, and it rains the night before, and they know this is gonna help them. So they take the tarp off the field, speaking of blades of Astro, and they make it as muddy as possible, and then they go out there, and they water down the field as well. I mean, it was muddy, the Jets couldn't run. They lost 14- It's a home field advantage that you're allowed to do it. There you go. And when was that exposed? They should have been prepared for that. They exposed it years ago. There was nothing wrong with that. Like, oh, the tarp didn't work. I mean, there's a little gamesmanship in there, but you're talking about blades of grass. There's something you could do. It happens in baseball all the time. They grow the grass high if a team likes to, you know, if their team's a bunting team or whatever, the ball will stop earlier. This is a lot of- It's just like all those baseball teams making those smaller parks so you can hit more home runs. Yeah, the Yankees- You want to have a home field advantage. Yankees build their team around lefties for a million years already because they have a short porch and right field. So if you hit a few of a leftie that pulls the ball, it's a fly ball, it will go out of the park. And this is not anything illegal or anything like that. It's just, that's the way they're built. The joy that you get from this is- Immense. Sports is my number one love. Will the numbers bring order to the universe for you? I'm being serious. Numbers what? No, I'm more about the game. To be honest with you, I'm not a numbers guy, but you know where we're going with this numbers thing? And this is where I think we're going. It is so prevalent now because of sports gambling. What's the fantasy sports? That people take fantasy football so seriously that they need this uploaded immediately. So our system this year just got redone again to be online. It's an online cloud system now rather than just contained on our computers and then sent up because it's not fast enough. So what we're typing in is going so fast and being updated so fast that people will online sports now we'll be able to gamble on like by play, by plet, each plet. Your stats, my stats that I put in like, oh, is this gonna, this play going over 10 yards? Okay, we'll find out. Well, hang on, hang on, hang on. Boom. Okay, so your stats that you're being paid to do for the giants- Yes. Are public domain? Yes, you could log in, you could buy, you could get in a system and see it as it happens. Well, why wouldn't it be though? I mean, everybody's watching the game to get it. You could keep it yourself, you could try. Do you remember when like you're a kid you go to the baseball games you'd always see either a kid or an old man filling in the score sheet or so there's people that love that kind of stuff let alone in the movie Money Ball then they say then those stats actually help the Oakland A's win 20 games in a row and then people finally figured out how to use it. Like I would say more recently how to use the stats to win. Well, here's where it's 20, 30 years ago you've all played Little League. A walk is as good as a hit. You've heard that, right? A walk is as good as a hit. Well now- My mother and father used to say in Little League, sticking your face into a fastball is as good as a walk. They seem like sweet people. Yeah, so walk is as good as a hit but now they realize that it was as good as a hit because you were more valuable to your team by if you could just get on base. So if you did get hit in the face with that and hey, Dave gets hit in the face a lot let's put him up right now with the bases loaded and the game on the line, you know? So the guy got hit in the face and we won. I would step into the ball to get hit like in the bad news bears all the time. What was the kid's name in that? Who did that? Engelbert? Engelbert. Who would get hit with the ball in bad news bears? No, Rudy. Rudy Stein. Okay. Wait a second. I've got a sports guy. Hang on for one second. Is that legal in baseball? Well, probably not but literally nobody knew the difference. Suppose you just stick your hand. They won't give it to you if you do it on purpose. They can say you did it on purpose. How did they prove that? Well, that's the point. That's why in little league nobody was so upcoming. Yeah, so that Rudy, that's one of the funniest parts of bad news bears. I have to go watch this. Because they have the Jewish kid with the big shoe frown in the glasses. He's like, I don't want to go up there and get hit. He's like, no, get up there. He's just, he's like, I remember I was hit. It's great. We were playing the Red Sox one day and I was like, I was like, I know they have a slow pitchers. I told my friend if he was at the game and I'm like, I'm going to totally get hit by the ball. Come on. I swear to God. And I got hit by the ball. And then as I was going to the base, I was running backwards looking at him and he was one of those jocks. And he was just like, he was slapped his forehead because he was so angry at me for doing that. How much of your time per week has spent watching sports? Oh, well, it depends on what time of the year. But certainly during September, I would say, well, I mean, if it's 24 hour day, probably like three to four hours a day, maybe. Especially on the weekend, sorry, on the weekends, it's like on a Sunday, it's 14 hours. Yeah. I'm with Dave. My day is like eight. And if they, now they started in London, it goes from 9.30 until 12.30 at night, 9.30 in the morning till 12.30 at night, let alone all the pregame stuff that I have to watch beforehand and then the after, after the game. So yes, a lot. And how much of that is complete focus? Are you just totally staring at the TV? Or are you reading? I have a gambling problem. So for me, it's completely different. I am focused from three to 4.30 focused, you know, on coming down the wire, right? And then I'll focus again at the beginning. Then I will watch something in between. I watch an elementary or something. And then cut back. Do you bet on elementary? No. And then if it's gonna last another season, I gotta say they're gonna six seasons. I bet on the Oscars this year that I did well. You need such help. But my guys had the Oscars bet and I won, I went good. No, but I had the white helmets, which was paying plus 400 on a $100 bet. The documentary. Yeah. Nobody saw that coming. I did. So all the way, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this is a documentary about brave, I think it's Red Cross from Syria, going in and pulling children out of Aleppo after an airstrike. And Dave cashed it on cash. It was huge. Yeah, it did really well. One like 700 bucks. Ah, you're evil. And it's funny because I was sitting there rooting. I'm like, white helmets. Yeah, yes, white helmets. And everybody's like, oh, you like that movie? And I'm like, what movie? Oh my God. Oh, it's a documentary? You know, like I don't even know. I'll make a bet for the Oscars next year in the In Memoriam. Oh, they don't have that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'll make a bet. I'm like. You're in it. No, you're not supposed to applaud. Funny bet. That's right, during the In Memoriam. Yep. I'll bet you, we'll go through the list of names. You got it. And I'll bet. Who they'll applaud for. Who they'll defy the rules and applaud. I love that. That's a great idea. That's a great, great. You just created something. But they tell you not to write but who they defy excellent for it. Because at the Tonys, they didn't give a crap and they were just applauding for people that they cared for. And apparently they haven't told them the rules this year in the Tonys. I love that. The MVN. You have to tell video. They don't applaud during the In Memoriam. They don't applaud at all. I've been there. Because they're masturbating. No, they're not. First of all, that is the most boring time ever. I've been to them twice and it's so not fun. And those people are just horrible. I think Atel hosted it one year. And then also when he was doing insomniac, we were there too. And it was so dull. I couldn't believe how dull it was. Everybody's going to the porn awards. I'm like, yeah, it's gonna be unbelievable. And it's so not unbelievable. Dave couldn't bet on breast size because they're all huge, you know? Well, also, the jokes fall flat on the girls because they're just a mess and they don't understand and it's so long. And it's funny because you think it's funny when you're watching it and they're just like, oh my God, I cannot believe I just want double penetration and that's gonna come true. And they don't understand how funny they're being. Or do they? No, they don't. They don't. I want to tell the one year and the girl did get up and she goes, I'm, and she won for double pen, exactly what you're saying. And she was crying like, my father is here. No, no, no, it's a joke. I'm telling you, it's a joke. They take it hard attack serious. Yeah. I don't believe it. Which makes it no fun. You know what? I wish I could find that clip. Okay, hang on for one second. I know about the AVM. I've had a couple of friends who've hosted them. Oh, you too, yeah. And I wouldn't, who were your friends that hosted? Well, Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons hosted that one year, right? They hated it, right? Because remember that Fitzsimmons was the one where the guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers was Dave Navarro. That's right. Was not laughing. Right. Which was driving him crazy. Yeah, he was in the front row. Okay, so I, sorry. I wouldn't remember that it was to be so annoying. I didn't go. And you know, I wrote a couple of, you know, just as a goof. But I refuse to believe that these women and God, are you saying the guys don't know it's funny? No, they don't know it's funny. They don't know it's funny. There's no way. The guys know a little more. The women are there to look good and they go up and collect those trophies. Like they have won the real Academy Award. Yeah. They're like, ah, I love cock. It is amazing. I refuse to accept this. Okay, well. I refuse to accept it. I thought you said you saw it. No, no, no. I wrote a couple of jokes. You never watched it on Showtime or anything? 10 minutes. All you need is 10 minutes. Any one of the past shows. You can't watch any more than that. It's on watchable. But don't you think the producers are saying, take it seriously. Don't joke around to the women. No, I don't think they tell them anything. I don't think they give a shit at all. I get so excited. Like I just want to thank them. They thank Vivid Video or whoever these people are. I think. Are people proud that they do porn? Yeah, these girls are. Yeah, they love it. And she thanked your father for what? Thank to her father. Blasting her as a child? I have no idea. It's a nice community, I guess. I don't know if they know. It's up for being supportive of their career choice. That's what they do. I couldn't have done this with that. Your emotional distance growing up. It's kind of like comedy. I mean, it's a very close-knit community. I mean, they just have this other kind of job. But I mean, they all seem to know each other and it's very small and I don't know. They take it real serious. Very serious. Is there a porn community anymore now with all the amateur stuff that's going? Yeah, they have it in Las Vegas. That's a huge convention hall. When's the last time you were there? 10 years ago? I bet it's not the same. No, I watched it on TV this past year. Yeah, they always show it on Showtime. It's on Showtime. I watched it. I'll watch five minutes to live. Yeah, I watched five minutes just to see if there's any. And there's a lot of the girls I know that I still masturbate to, like Ken and James. I have a service that I, Prince says, I have a service that I want to pitch. Sure. How do you know you're not masturbating to somebody who's dead? Oh, I have masturbated to somebody that's dead. I still have old pornos that I still do and I'm positive they're dead. Right, and so I want to provide a service that will do a background check. I don't want to know. That, I see. But how are you going to feel? Because then you're into necrophilia. You're going back to watch old videos? Are these occurring? I go back to watch ones from the 80s. Sometimes, and I know these girls are dead, I've found out, but I don't care. But that's wrong, is it? Yes. Wouldn't you like to pay $50 a month? No. What's the matter with that? We will send you a debt certificate. You're clear to shoot. Like, you're jerking off and they go, oh my God, what if she's dead? And you call me. I'd rather I'd be dead than if she was like a walker. All systems go, she's alive. What about, and for an extra $50 a month? What she looks like now? Yeah, no, nobody wants to see that. That's the thing. I'm telling you, my listeners. That's what Dave, it tells old show was about. Dave's old porn. He was talking about all that kind of stuff and he had some of those girls on. And I mean, it was really fun. It was really fun. It was an interesting show. My favorite one was the one with Seiko because Jim Norton had that autographed picture of her from years ago. It was so cute. He was in love with her. And then he was there and he was able to show her the picture that she autographed for him and stuff. I had a... Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to discuss this. I mean this and this is, what does Seiko look like? Because when I... She looks okay, but she's older. She's like probably 16 now or something, but she doesn't look bad. Okay, because in 1985 or 86. She was ridiculously hot. I was working the comedy Underground in Seattle sharing a condo with the comedian John Fox, Seika and Sam Kenneson came by to have afternoon tea at four in the morning. That's what I explained to my... I brought my then girlfriend, soon to be my ex-wife, at four in the morning that are downstairs. I'm like, they're having afternoon tea. That's why they're so... Seiko was very beautiful. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And Jim Brewer was... Norton. But was he disappointed that she had aged? No. No, no. Don't you think it's beautiful to... He was so excited to meet her and see her again. Don't you think it's a beautiful thing to age with the women you're jerking off to? Don't you owe it to these women to continue to jerk off to them? Are you still pitching us? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where you're ruining it. What I'm saying is... For a... We don't want to think about this. Can we talk about something else? For 150 a month, we will... You're messing me up. Here's the thing. For $150 a month, we will certify that the woman you're jerking off to is still alive. Well, it's not necessary. We will take the video and age her appropriately. What does the matter with you? Why would you do that? Because it's respecting the woman. porn isn't about respecting women, I don't think. It's ethical masturbation. Ethical porn. Don't you want to be politically correct and masturbate ethically? And we will computer enhance the porn. I still use colored people to describe black people. I don't know. No. I don't know any better. I'm an old man. I am... They changed it? Alex, get me investors. This is a great idea. Ethical porn. This is the worst idea ever. Ethical porn. Where you computer... You age... Maybe for gay porn. It's they age appropriately so that when you're masturbating to Seeka from the 80s she looks like a 60-year-old woman. I think you're... Let's go back to the company. Now Mama doke used to tell me... I have all these great money-making ideas. That's the worst money-making idea I've ever heard. I think you could call a bookmaker and get your other one going though. What was that? The applause during the memorial. Oh yeah, you know, that's a good one. Well, that would be a good one. Yeah, I never heard that. Well, I think there are men out there who want to make sure they're not whacking off to dead porn stars. I think you would be mistaken. I agree. Clearly you don't know. Let's take a poll. On the website this week, there'll be a poll out there. Back to... Will you come back, Lenny? Sure, whenever you want. And Vito? I gotta do something for you, man. You know, Sunday, if you want to have to I read the funny part of the book. I read the funny part of the book, you know. Was there anything? I'd take all these Hollywood fanokias. Vito, was there anything you said that you want to apologize for? No, I never apologized. Nothing? I don't apologize for nothing. I don't apologize. I don't apologize for anything. I don't know what I have to do to feed my family. I don't apologize. I'm telling you, if you could just come to every table and just be Vito, I don't care for you. I know the audience. That'd be the best one, Mike, because I guess that has no idea what's happening. I don't understand, why is he doing that? Like, if you have, you know... Just introduce you as Vito Andelini, and then that's how you talk. Is he like, does he really talk like that? Take a break. Yeah. Yeah, that's his very thoughts. He's from Sicily. Yep. I don't know. He wasn't sweety. You know, why do you keep calling me sweety? He learned English from all these characters he watched on TV. So then you could just break into Michael Cain. And I've learned, I just talk in a proper fashion. Yeah, you're only 15 years old. Encourage a bond. Come, come, Mr. Bond. We're gonna have a second. Makes me so happy. Makes me so happy. Before you go, I want to plug your gigs. I want to thank you guys. This was amazing. And I love how we got into the stats. This to me is so, so fascinating. And with numbers. Yes. Do you reduce a lot of things down to odds and numbers? I do, I do. My friends and I do do some stuff like that, like odds on Dave doing, who's assessment of blame? You ever do that one? No. I said, so if something goes wrong, I don't know. You forgot to take the pants out of the dryer or whatever, the chunky pants. Okay, assessment of blame. Who gets the more blame? The person who put it in with the pile to be dried or the person who turned the machine, who did the wash, you know? Okay, 80, 20, 75, 25. So there's a lot, I do play with numbers a little bit. And where does this come from growing up? Was your father into numbers? No, no, this is, I'm not really, I'm more about the game to be honest with you, but all these fantasy guys are obsessed with numbers. I don't do that, my brother-in-law is obsessed. All these fantasy, yeah, it's all fan. I'm obsessed with the game, the actual playing of the game, how to win, you know. And the guys actually playing the game. Yeah. They're not doing numbers, they're not. They play fantasy football too, but they're like, they get yelled at like. It's completely legal. The NFL made it legal. Do you know that players get yelled at, walking down street? They'll go like, I took you this week and my fantasy, fuck you. Really? Yeah, you didn't score a touchdown. I lost by, yeah, and then they get. Yeah, it used to be where you would just get angry at a guy for not covering the spread and now they get angry at them for certain plays that they do because fantasy football is huge. It's so huge and it's accepted by the NFL because my cousin used to be in my football pool and he owns the New Jersey Devils and he had to leave because it's a gambling thing but he's allowed to completely be in a fantasy football league. But I thought the state was cracking down. We had, they were on these two sites but it's clearly, it was a crackdown to just, it was a little suspicious crackdown. I think they uncracked down on that. They found out really quickly. Maybe they kicked back that to the state. I don't know. Like a billion dollars. Cut, that was the whole point. Yeah, it's corruption. If nobody were betting on sports. Yeah. Wouldn't exist. Seriously? No. Well, football wouldn't, I don't think. They would exist but it wouldn't be as popular as it is. A lot of people love gambling, the gambling aspect. Because you're- I mean, the Super Bowl is made for gambling. They're saying- Everybody does it, even, you know, your kids do it in the school. I'll get you that stat next time. It's something like, you know, a trillion dollars gets gambled on the Super Bowl. That's sick. And I'm talking about they, I have done this in the past. What color the Gatorade will be. You're gonna throw over the coach. That's not even a joke. That's all new. I've been gambling for like 25 or 30 years and it's gotten better. Like I used to say, are you going to have the coin toss? And now the coin toss, you know, they say, coming up. The coin toss. It never used to be a big deal. And I bet on the coin toss this year because I had inside information. This is no joke. I had inside information that the Patriots in the Super Bowl always take heads. They always call heads and they were the visiting team. So I put $200 on it because, and then they took it off the board because an article in Times came out saying that this is what they do. And then everybody was betting it. And I was lucky I got in. This is so ground floor. We're gonna wrap up. Hold on. Do you watch Cousin Sal? No, because I don't care for Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, okay. We have some issues. But right, but I know he's really good at it. I mean, we used to talk a lot about that kind of stuff because I think he's- I didn't hear what Alex has. He's got a great podcast where he talks all about them. He has all these prop bets and everything like we were mentioning. Yeah, yeah. We used to talk about that. I can't hear Alex, what? It's Jimmy Kimmel's cousin named Cousin Sallie. He's on the show sometimes. He has his own podcast. Talks about him. And he had a, remember Alex, he had that season where he went like 14 and O. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Yeah. And then the season after that, he was horrible. You know, that's how it happened. Somebody has like an amazing season. Like John Hurt, his name is John Hurt, Colin Hurt. Had this amazing season one year and then the next season he was horrible. Oh, Colin Calhurt. Colin Calhurt, what did I say? I'm sorry. Oh, cause it's called the Hurt. That's what I was thinking. And he's just an ESPN guy and he just had this amazing season where his picks were always right. And then there's guys like me that are just listening and listening and listening and we're going and they've become so popular. And then they have a bad season and they've never heard from me. Do you gamble? Never, never once. Cause I know the odds. You know, that was a bad thing. He's a smart guy. You go to Vegas, you know, you know, you're gonna lose. Eventually you're gonna lose. Some people are just really lucky and once you understand what they're doing to you, like I can't. I like the action. I can't help it. Well, Walter Mathouse said the reason he was a degenerate gambler was the focus. You could block out everything. If you have enough money riding on a game. Oh yeah. It's exciting. Then no matter what's going on in your life, you can block it out. It's very entertaining. I mean, it makes it. It adds on this extra thing, but it's all, but if you don't have money to back it up, then it becomes even more. You ever see the movie, The Gambler with James Cahn? Years ago. Great movie. Just give me the three. Yeah. I say that all the time. Just give me the three. He's better, but sir, that's a hard 18. Just give me the three. I want to talk more about gambling. Well, Lenny Marcus. Next time. This was fantastic. Lenny, how do people reach you? LennyMarcus.com. I'll be at the seller most of my life, it seems like. Okay. That's an honor, of course. And David Just-Cow? Yeah, I'm around. I'll be on this podcast. Do you have a website? No. You should. You have so much going on. I don't know what's going on. Do I? That's the thing. People always say it, but I don't know. I have my website in here. What's September 12th? That I'm doing Greece the way I do the Godfather, the musical Greece. And he's gonna make me do that. Lenny Marcus says Eugene. Yeah. Only because he said, don't make me Eugene. Now I have to. But yeah, I'm doing Greece September 12th. At the seller? At the seller, then Love Actually in December and then March we start Goodfellas. Wow. For Christmas movies. I think Love Actually is, they're gonna be lining up around the block for Love Actually. Are you making fun or? No, I'm serious. I know. Oh, you think so? Yeah. I think my daughters will come. Oh, I know a lot. Well, that's why I'm doing these two for like kind of the ladies, you know, in a way. And then we'll go back to the mafia stuff. You know, it's important. But I will tell you, and we talked about this before with the Godfather. It's funny, people that have never seen the movie, they enjoyed the production. People had never seen the movie, they enjoyed the laughs and the fun of it anyway. That I can't believe, but it's true. Listen, there were 22 year olds that have never seen the movie and they totally enjoyed the good time, you know. Before we go. It's a fun time. A lot of funny people. We're wrapping up. I have the movie that I think wouldn't be good to do, but I think the one movie that will last like a thousand years from now. Debbie does Dallas. Yeah, that's true. But what is the one movie a thousand years from now? Star Wars. Okay, what do you think, Lenny? It's a great question. A thousand years from now? I don't know. To be honest with you, the Godfather's lasted this long, why not? I will tell you, I think, and I'm utterly convinced, let me take the dick out of my ass and my mouth and my ears. Wizard of Oz. I know that makes me sound gay, no, no, no, I love that movie. And I'm every time it's on now, when it's on TNT or TBS, it's funny. I always press the info guide to, I have to keep reminding myself it's from 1939. Right. I'm fascinated. That's like the one movie they play on TNT from 1939. I mean, it's amazing. And you know, God was hold up. It does hold up. God was the one came out that year. That's a little slow for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Wizard of Oz, I took my kids to like the 70th, what? 75th, I think. Something like that. We saw the Grammins and I'm watching it, thinking this movie, you will be able to show 1,000 years from now. Yeah, I believe that 100%. It's amazing what they were able to do back then and, you know. And it's everything. And they will be going, I'm off the stage. I'm going down, down, down, down, down. And Vito, how do people reach you? Vito, don't do any.com. .com? Oh, my God, should start .com. No, my, just that Dave just came on Twitter. That's it. Thank you guys. You got it. Back by popular demand, Jim Earl. Hello Jim. Do we have a bad connection? I don't know, do we? Did you just belch? Yes, I did. On my show. Okay. Hey, congratulations on being invited back to the David Feldman show. Oh, is that what this is? Congratulations. This is a great day in my life. Thank you. Hey, Jim Earl. So how's Jimmy Dorr? I want to challenge him to a fist fight. Seriously. What? Is it the only reason you have beyond so you can dig at Jimmy Dorr? I think I'm going to fly to LA, Marquis to Queensbury Roles. I want to go 13 rounds with Jimmy Dorr. See who's still standing. Would you relay that to him? I see there you are going on with your elitist Queensbury Roles thing from Harvard or wherever you went to law school. We can do the Dingleberry Roles. Marquis to Dingleberry? Did I come out of Yale? The Marquis to Dingleberry Roles are a lot of clenching, a lot of holding. You never say break up. That's the Marquis to Dingleberry. A lot of pinching, a lot of loafing. So seriously, tell Jimmy Dorr, I want to get into a ring with him and go 13 rounds. Well what possible good would that do? Just to see who's stronger, who's smarter at the sweet science of boxing. Who do you think would win if Jimmy and I went 13 rounds? I think the American public. So you're doing Jimmy's hugely successful show on YouTube with the young Turks, right? Well I write a lot of things for this show, yes. Well tell him I miss him. He won't return my calls. He is like the Republicans in that he needs an enemy. If he doesn't have an enemy he can't get out of bed in the morning. He needs caffeine and his caffeine isn't coffee. It's somebody's slide at him. It's always an imagined slight and that fuels his creativity. Yeah I can't imagine why he doesn't want to talk to you. I just don't get it after that. Because when I run into him like at the conventions I weaken him. He's no longer angry and then he goes damn now I have to think of somebody else to hate otherwise my juices drain. He needs, he needs me to hate me. He has to see me as his enemy. Otherwise he can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I saw it when I ran into him in Philadelphia. He melted when he saw me because he loves me and then he thought I just don't have the time and energy to find somebody else to hate. So this is what your therapist is telling you? No, this is what I know about him. This is what your therapist tells you this in order to make yourself feel better about yourself. Your therapist gets another paycheck. Have you ever done therapy? Only you pay your therapist in drink tickets and who busts the flappers, who busts the three passes the Bitburgs Fart Oven. Bitburgs Fart Oven. Yes. Yeah, Reagan. It's Snatch Haven, Connecticut. In Snatch Haven, Connecticut. Yep. Bitburgs Fart Oven in Snatch Haven, Connecticut. That's right. That's my actual club. Yes. I know. Very popular. They don't headline me there anymore. Snatch Haven, though, it's by the sea, Snatch Haven, Connecticut. What has to be. Yeah, why? Well, there are a lot of odors, you know, you've got to have those nice ocean winds coming along to help you out. Right. Didn't you have like a little boat to go off into the water near Snatch Haven? Oh, yes. The SS Quiefe. The SS Quiefe in Snatch Haven Sound, I believe it's called. You had a little boat, but you had a captain who would steer the boat, right? Right. He was located in Cape Snatch, Cape Snatch. But yeah, he would steer the boat. But he would disappear and you had trouble finding that little captain in the boat, right? This is getting dirty and I don't like that. The little man in the boat. You always had trouble finding the little man in the boat in Snatch Haven. That's right. In Snatch Haven, Connecticut. Well, now you've explained it. That makes absolute sense. Did you live in Snatch Haven? No one actually lived in Snatch Haven. You can only stay in Snatch Haven three weeks of the month. And then you got to leave. And how hard is it to get to Snatch Haven? There's only one entrance, right? It's gated, right? In order to get it, it's a gated community. In order to get it in there, you got to show ID, you got to do some sweet talking, right? Yeah. Bring some liquor. Bring some liquor in the front. Bring some liquor in the front? Right. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm living in Manhattan these days. I should probably try to visit Snatch Haven. Well, it's right up your alley. Well, that's another town, but I'm allowed to visit. Now, up my alley, Massachusetts, that's the Greek community, right? Yes, it is the Greek community. Greek? Greek. The Greek community. Right. Up my alley. Snatch Haven on your free-masted schooner, they'll flush your main mast from the mizzen on down. Jim Earl. So let's talk about Georgia, the sixth district. You like this. Oh, yeah. Karen Handel, you like this woman. You said she's a Republican, but in name only, you think that she's going to take on Trump and the people of Georgia made a wise decision picking her instead of Ossoff? Is that what you said? No, I never said anything of the sort. Oh, no, you were the one who said General Sherman should have burnt the entire confederacy to the ground. I think that's right. I'm in favor of General Sherman. I think he should still burn it to the ground. Well, it wasn't total war. I think a lot of the problems we have, and I don't mean to piss off our listeners in the south, but one of the reasons Germany and Japan, and we've talked about this before, the one of the reasons Germany and Japan are so successful is we turned both those countries into glass and then they had to rebuild themselves in our image and they've surpassed us. And I think the disfavor we did to the old confederacy was not letting Sherman set fire to the entire south. We've done a disservice to our nation and to the south. We allowed remnants of their belief system to sustain over the years, and that's why we're in the trouble we're in, right? Remnants of their, remnants of their belief system. Yes. Sure. I don't have any ancestors from the south, but you probably do. Oh yes. The Jews controlled the cotton industry. They were primary slaveholders, weren't they? The Feldmans in particular. Well yes, the Feldmans. We owned a couple of plantations, and I remember reading my great-great-great-great grandfather Jedediah Feldmans' logs. He wrote, we're paying the slaves nothing, how can we pay them even less? He was trying to figure out, Jedediah Feldman was a senator to the confederacy, representing Georgia. He proposed legislation that would have charged slaves $50 a day for the privilege of being a slave. Well that's like being one of the slaves that Hillary Clinton had in the Arkansas State House. It was a privilege working for her as slave labor. She had slaves? Well, she had prison labor, yeah. Oh, right. They were all black. Right, right. They were all black, black business, around 30 years of age, been in there 18 years or longer. She found, according to her book, it takes a compound or a village or whatever the hell it is, the ones who were lifers gave her the least trouble. So she kept them and the slightest mistake she would send the others back to prison. You're saying that when Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas, they would hire prison labor to work the governor's estate? Not hire, they didn't get paid anything, maybe $0.07 a day, that's what they get now, $0.07, maybe $0.15 a day, or an hour, something like that, that's slave labor. Right. So you're saying Chelsea is the product of a union, not between Hillary and Bill, but between Hillary and one of those prisoners. I'm not saying that. That's what you just said. Oh, I did? You just said, you said, and I can play the tape back, you said that Hillary and Bill went to Yale, which was in New Haven, Connecticut. It was 50 miles away from Snatch Haven, Connecticut, which was one of Hillary's favorite places in the world. And she asked one of the prisoners to trim the garden to make it look like Snatch Haven. And then he stayed late. She poured him some lemonade and she had a glass of lemonade and peed out Chelsea because that's what they like. I like how you commit to this because that's how even when it's gone on the tubes, that's how you make babies, right? You drink lemonade and then pee out the baby. Is your mom still with us? No, she had to go do Mark Maron's podcast. But she was pretty funny today, wasn't she? Why? Yes, she's still with us. Really? How old is she? I'm not allowed to talk about how old she is. She's very vain. E, very vain. But she's smart. Veiny. Veiny. Yes, she's veiny. She's part of the Great Generation, isn't she? Yes, she was. She was tried at the Nuremberg Trials. She was Ava Braun's hairstylist. Does that include the Germans when they say the Greatest Generation? That's for some. I think you would say the Greater Generation. Rare. The Superior Generation. Hey, they found a treasure trove of Nazi memorabilia in Argentina. Did you see this? Yeah, I did. And what was the thing? What made you laugh? There was one thing they found that I thought of you. I thought it was the big Nazi mug with the handle on the inside. That made me laugh. World's greatest racist. You don't have to be racist. You don't have to be racist to do this extermination, but it helps. Right. And then there's Kang in there, baby. It was, you know, after the assassination attempt and the show trials to hang in their baby poster. Yeah. Was Ramo hung? I think he committed suicide. No, no, no. I'm talking about what his wife said. Like I said, I think he committed suicide because he had a small penis. God, I love talking history with you. It's so enlightening. One of the things they found was this compass to measure skull shapes. Did you see that? No, I didn't. Oh, yeah, go look it up. Somebody brought to Argentina, you know, the mugs and the busts of Hitler and these, I don't know what you call them, but they're skull shape measurements for phrenology, which you still believe in, right? I believe in skull shapes. There are many different skull shapes, but I don't believe in phrenology. You don't believe that you can determine the intelligence of an individual by the slope of their brow, because I've heard you talk for hours on that. I've never said that. I've sat in bars with you and you've bought me, you bought me drinks. You could bet a guy. I bet I can predict your SAT scores, sir, if you let me measure your brow. And you really, you don't remember that? No, no, because I've never been in a bar with you. I would never allow that to happen. Remember Barry Lang's impersonation of me when I was an alcoholic? No, I don't. Do you remember when you used to walk around imitating me? There's something like, you don't know who I am. Well, that, that, but he used to say this is, this is Feldman. Let's go get a drinks. Yes. Let's go get a drinks. You knew me, you knew me when I was drinking. You had the funniest plural, non-plural jokes. Any comic out there. What was I like drinking? I don't remember any of that. I don't think I was around you that much when you were drinking. I remember you came to my apartment with Barry Lang and you. Yeah. And I smoked a lot of dope and got drunk and you and I got into a big argument. Do you remember that? Yeah, about what? Yeah. This is the first time we had met and you came into my apartment and you pulled some sarcasm with me and we started arguing politics. I don't know what it was about, but I remember thinking, this guy's an asshole. I could be friends with him. And you had a balcony. I remember we were arguing on the balcony. It was like a cat on a hot tin roof. We had a very expensive apartment in a Tauti Tauti part of town. What are you talking about? We could never figure out where you got your money from. What are you talking about? I lived on Dwight Way. I was living with three other guys. How was that an expensive apartment? But the luxury inside that apartment and you had a balcony. I had a balcony, yeah. What else? Yeah. A piano. A piano. A baby grand. Steinway, 1920. They had gold fixtures. The Gustav Klimt in the airy. Yeah, the Jan van Eyck painting in the foyer. My butler was not British. He had a Southern twang, which I was always ashamed of. Why do you say I had money? You had a trust fund. You had a huge trust fund. You're a trust fund, baby. We all know that. A couple of billion. I went to a boarding school in Geneva to keep an eye on my father's Nazi gold. You went to a boarding school for young boys. Had a lot of troubles there. But it really shaped your character in later life. How so? Well, you like horses a lot. You became a veterinarian, traveling from farm. Traveling from farm to farm. Putting your fist up of dairy animals, anuses. Turns out that's not where veal comes from. I thought, if you put your fist up at dairy animals, anus, as it's pronounced, veal would come out. Delicious veal. Are you familiar with Latin? Anus, anat, anat. Anus, anat, anat. Anat? A balloon knot, I think, is how it's pronounced. I love that. He loves that. She loves that. I'm glad this interview is going great. I got up. I went to bed at 5 a.m. and got up at 6.30 to go do a seminar for fresh books. My friend Saul Colt, great guy, did a seminar for fresh books for people who are independent contractors. And I was on a panel at 8 in the morning at Caroline's Comedy Club, 8 in the morning to talk about what it's like to be a freelancer. It's kind of interesting. So I'm sleep deprived. Have you ever had a full-time job? I guess writing, right? Working for Liz Winstead, working on The Daily Show. That was a full-time job, right? That's not freelance work, right? That was a full-time job. We had contracts in Air America. Full-time, we had contracts. And do you like working on Union? That's right. I know that John Stewart was very upset that The Daily Show was non-union. Hey, you know, we shouldn't worry about the Georgia's District 1 results. You know why? Why? Because Democrats are planning to re-brand the law says enhanced winning. I think it's Georgia 6, isn't it? Or really? I think. I'll rewrite that. Rewrite that. What's the best joke you ever wrote? What's the one joke that you think... If I have to get into heaven and you're at the pearly gates and St. Peter says, I'll let you in, but you got to tell me the best joke you ever wrote. What is it? I don't know. There's so many of the chews from. But if I had to pick one that is kind of my favorite would be my dad's a horrible racist. Yeah. And when I say horrible, I mean he's just not very good at it. Yeah. He's always screaming things like God damn Sarah Hittites. Motherfuckin' Etruscans. Motherfuckin' Etruscans? It was Etruscans. Yeah. He was out of touch. He was old. Now the Etruscans, were they from central Italy? Is that who the Etruscans were? Yes. I believe they were central Italy before the Romans. Were Romulus and Uncle Remus Etruscans? I don't know. Now Romulus and Remus, I heard that Romulus was from ancient Rome but Remus was from Greece. Is that it? Yeah, I didn't see that one coming around the anus. So your dad was a horrible racist? Yeah. Yeah, that was the end of that. That was your best joke? I don't know. I got others. I like that. What was the first joke you wrote for stand-up? It was a prop joke. I would go up there with a container of head and shoulders filled with tomato juice and do a mock commercial like that. I'd show it and I'd say new improved head and shoulders. Then pour it into the glass, take a drink out of it. It's got sheep's blood. And how did that go over? Not very well. Were you disappointed by the intelligence of the comedy audiences when you were starting out? Did you think they were going to be a lot smarter than they turned out to be? Are comedy audiences limited? No, I wasn't disappointed. It depends on which neighborhood you are in and what club you're in and the type of clientele that the club attracts. There were some very, very smart places and fun places to play. There were some kind of dumb and humorless places that you wanted to get off stage as soon as possible and collect your check. Can you talk about anything in front of a comedy audience even when you're famous? Can you talk about anything and keep their interest and get laughs? Or is comedy limited to just a few subjects? I think you can talk about anything. Can you get laughs and keep the audience's interest and can you make a living and sell tickets? Or is comedy like pop music in that it has to keep this certain AABB structure? I don't know about any AABB structure, but I think people laugh at anything if it's done right in a new and interesting way. Are you a fan of Mort Soles? Not really, but I appreciate the precedent that he set. I appreciate his position in the history of comedy. You don't think he's the best as well as the progenitor of modern stand-up? No, I think Eddie Cantor. Seriously? No, seriously, Eddie Cantor. Eddie Cantor, you can go on YouTube and look up his first talkie and it's basically 20 minutes of him on stage doing a stand-up act. It's the first visual and audible stand-up I've ever seen recorded. It's basically somebody going up and doing a stand-up act about how dumb their girlfriend is and all this kind of stuff. I'm not that familiar with Eddie Cantor, but what I'm saying is in terms of modern stand-up, Mort was the first one to talk about something other than his wife and his girlfriend. He was the first one to talk about something meaty. The issues, I guess so. And you don't think that's important? Well, yeah, I do. That's what I mean. I don't think it's that funny. I think it's important. George Carlin, there's somebody, his stuff lasts and he grew. He was kind of like the Beatles of comedy. He would have a new incarnation or he would grow with every trend. Is there a political comedy or something like topical political comedy? I guess so. He and the Smothers Brothers. I thought the Smothers Brothers were great. That's interesting. The show or their nightclub act? Both. And I thought they were dangerous. I think they were truly dangerous. I think W.C. Fields is very subversive and in a way political comic, too. How so? I think he did more to comment how America is full of dullards and common people, family life can be so horrible and tedious. I think he was brilliant. Every aspect. Visually and subtly and outrageously. It's a gift. Yeah, it's a gift. He would mutter things under his breath. And he always said he was always in a fight with the censors, too. Right. And he would raise his hand to Baby Leroy, which was hysterical. Right, right. I mean, he would threaten to hit a... Not a kid, a baby. It's not funny to threaten to hit a... Like, threatening to hit a kid is like, ooh, that's creepy. But threatening to hit a baby is funny. Right? Yeah, it can be. It does right. It does right. All right. People love you on this show. Well, not after this one. This was our best one. Yes and no. Yes and no. It means some of my kids called me. Well, they all called me an asshole. See what I did? Yeah. Words are my tool. That was misdirection. And your tool is constantly misdirected. It is. Yes, you're talking about... You have a curved penis. It's Peroni's disease, right? Peroni's disease. No, that's when a woman gives you a blow job and burns the roof of her mouth. That's Peroni's disease. When doesn't that happen? Well, I, as you know, served in Vietnam and my semen has Agent Orange in it. So... What? Have you been doing stand-up lately? I did it last night. Didn't go well. Did not go well. Did not go well. I was at Danger Fields and went okay. It could have gone better, but I was tired. You know, it was like a cattle call instead of me and a couple of friends. It was a long night of comedy and waiting around. By the time I got up, I was a little tired. But Peroni's disease is where your penis curves to the left or to the right. Bill Clinton had that. Or upwards. Or upwards, if it's optimistic. Or downward. Your penis curves upwards and you had to go to the doctor complaining that you couldn't get it down. Most people can't get it up. I can't get it down. Right. Because it curves up. That's why I used to wander around the south. Helping the people find wells with my penis. It would dip down during periods of drought. It was a dividing rod. Yes, I would help starving farmers find water for their crops. But then they accused you of actually making the water with the dividing rod. And exposing myself. And exposing yourself. Oh, I remember a joke that Larry Brown hated of mine. Remember I came up with a heckler response? Yes, I have one in particular. But you go ahead. I'll tell yours after you tell your... Larry was a pa... Somebody heckled me and I said hey thumb dick, drop your pants and hit your ride. Do you remember that? Hey thumb dick. Hey thumb dick, hit your pants and hit your ride out of here. Uh-huh. I remember I said that one night and I was so proud of that because I was, you know, learning to put down audience members. And Larry was a pa... Do you remember that? I was there that night, yeah. Hey thumb dick, drop your pants and hit your ride. And I shook my head with confidence. I thought it was hilarious. Do you really remember that? Yeah, I thought it was hilarious for the wrong reasons. I'll do you had another another heckler line. Yeah. Hey asshole, why don't you go to the bathroom and lick the semen off the walls. That's the worst thing I've ever heard you say. I never said that. You did. Did I really? Yeah. You did. No I did. Did I really? Did I? Wait a second, but I didn't do that like, hey I wrote a put down for hecklers. This is going to be like one of my stock put, maybe I accidentally said that. Remember that sex, that female sex therapist? It was big in the in the 80s. What was her name? Friday? Ruth West Hyman. Ruth West Hyman. I still have this on videotape from an open mic at the Holy City Zoo that we hosted and you came on stage and you introduced your Ruth West Hymer joke and that's the only thing I remember. Oh hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. This had to have been like 85, 84? Probably, yeah. And you have this on videotape? Yeah, 86 I think, yeah. 86? I always use the, was it me repeating something over and over again in her voice? No, it was basically in this Ruth West Hymer what a whore. Wait, that's not it. I didn't say that. This this Ruth West Hymer, have you seen? What a whore. What a fucking whore. I didn't say that. There's 30 seconds of silence with the mic feeding back. I remember having a bit about her. I don't remember what the joke was. Well the next time you call up I'll have the video ready to play on my computer and you can hear it. You have video of me from 1986? Yeah, Barry and I when we hosted the Lankan Earl freak show and all those open mics at the Holy City Zoo we would tape everybody we could. Unprimitive videotaping machinery. To laugh at them behind their back or did you think this would have some historical virtue? Both. You don't have any Feldo the clown do you? I think I might have I don't think I do. I don't think it exists. I know that I put the clown suit on again to be filmed by somebody but I don't know. See that was your problem. I don't understand why you gave up Feldo the clown. That could have been like that would have made you famous. It didn't work. How bad was I when I was starting? The audiences hated me, right? They still do. First time I saw you was at the punchline open mic before I started doing comedy and you came on with your glasses and a newspaper like Mort's started reading the headlines and this. And what did you think? I thought you were trying to be Mort's saw. I was. I was trying to be Mort's saw joked about taking a shit out of his cat box. This Melvin Laird. Melvin Laird? That was Raymond Donovan. Yeah, I was like, yeah, yeah, well we don't need to. Memory lane. When did it all turn sour Jim? When did it all go bad for us? At the beginning. They never went bad. It's an unending pageant. What was the best day of your life in comedy? The best day where you just go, well I had this day. Everything was a work. I think it was when Barry and I first did the Russian roulette bit. For the very first time on stage in front of like 40,000 people at comedy day in the park in San Francisco. What was the Russian roulette bit? That's where Barry says, oh, you know, we want to come out and do and pull out a revolver. So we brought a gun and Barry says that's right. I'm going to tell a joke and Jim will point the gun at my forehead and slowly pull the trigger. If I survive, I will then turn the gun on him and do the same thing while he tells the joke. Yeah. We did that two or three times until I just kind of snapped and started snapping the trigger at his head. Sorry folks, sometimes I get a little impatient and I was groundbreaking back then, bringing a gun on stage and making jokes about guns. And there were kids in the audience? Yes. And you got off stage and what did you think was going to happen? I thought it was going to go well. I thought it was hilarious. And funny, you know. And it still makes people laugh, I think. Did you ever fly to Hollywood thinking this is it? It's going to happen? Yeah, for a Burger King commercial tryout. Seriously? Yeah, we had a Burger King commercial tryouts at the Holy City Zoo and we get there late for it and go off and just start yelling Burger King sucks. I don't want to eat this shit. Fuck this. Our careers are over. Two days later we get a call. Hey, can you come down to LA and do a screen test for this? Seriously? Yeah, so we do it. It turns out they didn't want that. Wait a second. Everybody showed up for this Burger King audition. They sabotaged it. And they picked you instead. To mess with you? Or they wanted rebels? What do you think was going on? I think they liked the energy and the rebellious nature of it to use cliche terms. But they didn't want that on video. They didn't really want that. It's like when you're hired to write for somebody. Write your stuff. Now change it. Don't write like you usually do. But we love your stuff. Well that's the joy of being in charge. The joy of being in charge is that you can no longer get it up so you hire young bucks and abuse them. Right. You did that with your podcast. That's what I would do. I was unable to get it up in young talent. Young men who were eager who my wife was eyeing and I try to break them. I would break them. Break their spirit. It's the story of Hollywood. It's the story of Hollywood. Isn't it? You may not spend a night in the box. Uh huh. I'm not going any further with that. I know you're going uh huh. I was going to say that you were going to when the boiled egg eating competition with my executive producer but I didn't want to go down that. I thought the work we did when you, me, and Rosenfeld Field, Rosen, how's Steve doing? He's doing okay. He's doing alright. One of the funniest people in the world. He is. Credible joke writer. Joke machine. Uh yeah. We had some funny stuff. I got to dig up some of those sitcoms. Yeah you should. Yeah I know. I know. They were really great. So what are you going to do tonight? What are you going to do tonight? I'm going to wait until the UV index goes down to one. Hopefully get on my bike and ride to Echo Park Lake. Watch the geese and the ducks and then come back and maybe have some fresh spring rolls at the only place I can or to eat at anymore. And then watch Benjamin Cumberbung on Netflix in the Sherlock Holmes series. And what are you reading? I'm reading about the bombing of Dresden right now. A lot of great toy factories were in Dresden, weren't they? Yeah. A lot of dishes. A lot of dishes were broken that day, those days. Well they were having a Greek wedding at the time of the bombing. The allies' fault. What was Dresden known for? Their dishes? Their ceramics? They built for China. How bad was Dresden? The bombs. It obliterated the town center. Suck the oxygen. They created so much heat it just sucked the oxygen. First day the British came in and dropped bunker busting bombs. The function of that was to blow the doors, windows, and roofs off buildings so the next day when the Americans, I guess, bombed with their incendiary bombs it would make it easier for it to create firestorms. Right. Burn everybody. The British bombed at night. The Americans refused to bomb at night. They would only bomb during the day, right? They didn't think it would be morally right to bomb at night. I don't think they had anything to do with that. Right, but they didn't want to hit the wrong targets. But the British felt because of the battle with Britain it didn't matter if they hit the wrong targets. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. A lot of back and forth in that war, you know. So much fucking. People getting even with each other. It's hard to take sides. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Stay out of it. You know what that was like? America going into Europe during World War II was like a cop going on a domestic violence call. It's dangerous. And you don't know where it's going to come from. That's the most dangerous call a cop can make, you know that? That's what I hear. I think the most dangerous call a cop can make is primarily danger for the people they encounter with everybody. Well, you've had positive experiences with cops, right? The only positive ones I've had was when I didn't feel like I was going to be threatened completely and that was because I'm a white guy. I've never felt comfortable around cops because a lot of them are insane. Really? In Texas for, you know, Barry and I where we just get out of it but we're near Johnsonville or, you know, we're... Hang on, I have a bad... I apologize for this joke. So you hate the cops? Yeah. But they do the job that you're too afraid to do? Yes. Go ahead, you say it. And what job is that? You do it. You know where I'm going and I can't help myself. You know what I'm going to say but I've only had an hour to have to sleep. I think I know what you're going to say. So you say it. I'm not going to say it. No. Cops do the job that ordinary Americans don't have the courage to do. Please. Thank you. Say it. Go home and beat their wives? All right. My audience knows where I'm going with this. Go ahead. I have no idea what you're talking about because I don't think that way. You know? I'm a 22nd century man. You're a 22nd century and you can trace your ancestry all the way back to the Mayflower moving company. Weren't your ancestors like Huguenots or something? Juguenots. Weren't they Juguenots? Juguenots? No. Oh, no, they were balloon knots. And by that I mean assholes. Get it? Balloon knots? It's a callback to Quakers. Seriously? They had some Quakers. The Earl's were Quakers. On the other side they were Catholics from Prussia. Your Quakers side they like to sew their oats because, hang on, let me explain. Yeah. They hollowed out bodies and made little drums with them for kindergarten. The Quakers did? You used to do that with Quaker Oats containers? We weren't allowed to play with our Quaker Oats containers when I was a kid because my mother and father would say Barbara Bush's faces on that box be gentle with it. Barbara Bush. What a whore. Fucking whore. I never said that. I said she has bigger bags underneath her eyes than I have underneath my scrotum. And David Mamet heard me do that joke when I was opening for Jonathan Katz and I apologized to him for that joke and he said he loved that joke. David Mamet. David Mamet. David Mamet. David Mamet. So you're part Prussian? No, that was generations ago. That goes back to like the late 19th century. In 1847, they came from Prussia. Were you a Holland Holson? Albert fell the same town that Frederick Engels spent time in at the textile factory there and formulated a lot of his ideas from that with... Marx. He was like the Marshall Brickman with Woody Allen. Right? Right. Marshall Brickman wrote Annie Hall with Woody Allen. What's Marshall doing today? He actually wrote some Broadway play and is doing very well. Why don't you write a musical? I can't say because I'm not gay because that would be offensive. So I wouldn't say something like that. Why don't you just say because that's not as funny as saying because I'm not gay. But I wouldn't say that because that would imply that anybody in musical theater is gay. And that's not fair. No, it isn't. You don't want to do that. No, some of them are gay. You're offended. Right. I don't have to respond to that. But thanks for drawing me into this. What? You were the one who was saying that you'll be bombing Dresden. No, I never said that. You said you never understood why the allies stopped bombing Dresden and that it would be a good job maker to bomb Dresden again. You just said that. Well, it sounds like a pretty smart thing to say but I never said that. I can't take credit for that. You're reading a book about Dresden. Who wrote it? Yeah. I can't remember. Some German guy. And what book did you read before that? I haven't read in a long time because the spark of life has been snuffed out in my soul. I don't have any desire nor the energy to read fiction any longer. So what about this fist fight with Jimmy Dore? I'm going to get back to that. Can you make it happen? You'll have to contact him yourself over that. I have no control over any of this. I highly advise against it because I think it loads just like that. What about a duel? Yeah, what kind of instruments? Guns at three paces. Would you be my second? No. I highly advise against any of this. I'm challenging him to a fight or a duel. You're just obsessed because someone is rejecting you. Lay that to peace and move on to another person you can harass. Has a woman ever accused you of harassing her? Not to my knowledge. I wouldn't be caught dead listening to one, right? I didn't say that. You told me to say that. Why? A fan of women as you know. They're my third favorite. Hang on, I have a joke. They're my third favorite gender. I made that up. And you stepped on it. I came up with a joke today during the Fresh Books seminar. I was talking about raising millennials and got so bad raising millennials. I had to give my daughter a trophy for getting a trophy. You get it? Yes, I do. What you're saying is that millennials are kind of spoiled. They expect everything to fall in their lap. I understand where you're coming from with that one. You spoke at a book forum. No, it was for Fresh Books. It's accounting software. And I was asked to join a panel discussion and talk about freelancing as opposed to having a steady job. It was interesting. Right. You know lots of powerful, talented people in the business. You're never at a loss for work. Every time you work and find a job, no one hears from you for like 10 or 12 months afterwards. And why do you think that is? Because you're a coward. You think everybody's going to try to keep your job away from you. When all we want to do, really, is congratulate with a share in your newfound fortune. That's all any comic wants to do when another comic gets a job. If I'm working full time, I barely have enough energy to pull my pants down to take a leak. Because I have to sit. Most people unzip or fly to take a leak. I have to pull my entire pants down to take a leak. And why is that? Right. Why is that? Because oh god, I have nothing on this one, babe. Well, there are various ways we can go here. We can go positive and say my cock is so huge it doesn't fit through the zipper and the fly. So my pants have to go all the way down to my ankles. That's one way to go. Right. Or I'm so old I can't control all my orifices at the same time. If one opens, they all open. So I have to sit to pee. Because you can't even chew gum in your pants at the same time. I'm sure anybody listening to this who's been able to say thank goodness at the occasional laughter. That happens every 10 minutes. A complete and utter stultifying boredom. Why don't you promote your new book? What's it called? What's it called? It's called Ferrets versus Feldman. Oh, come on now. Be nice. Be nice. No. What's wrong? He's a funny man. Who was your favorite office mate? Did you ever have to share an office with somebody? Yes. That would be a Whitney Brown. Oh, wow. Wow. I was just thinking about him. He was hilarious. He was always fun. At the school book he was hilarious. On the sixth floor, you shared an office with somebody. Yes. My conscience. How much time before tragedy becomes comedy? Five minutes. Who do you think shot them? Who do I think killed Kennedy? Yeah. Well, I think in all honesty, I think that it was probably elements within the CIA and the deep dark state that conspired to... So you believe in the deep state? I believe that there's a deep state that doesn't control America, but America can't control it. I think they sometimes... I agree. Right? I think they bubble up sometimes. I think it's, you know, a ne'er-do-well child who can't really harm you but occasionally gets your social security and buys a small militia. That's what the deep state is. That's what I think. You know, folks, what we're doing right now, we used to do this in front of a live audience. I agree. We used to do this. All right, my friend, you'll come back. I got fan mail for you. Somebody wrote in, hang on, like today. Really? That's good to hear from. I'll read it to you. Divorce, divorce, divorce divorce, divorce, divorce divorce, divorce I'm going through my... Rancho Gordo? Rancho Gordo, heirloom beans. He turned me on to heirloom beans. Jim Earl, where is this? I got it today. I got so many angry emails. Here, more Earl. Thank you, David, for doing the episode on Medicare, blah, blah, blah. I really hope to hear more from Jim Earl. He's hysterical. Well, that's nice. That's very nice. They must not have been listening. Yeah, I've got a couple of them. You should go out to a bar. And start drinking again. Ray James is in town. He wants to go out. I've had, like, an hour and a half of sleep. Did I mention that? Yeah, but keep on doing that. Trump gets no sleep, too. Thanks for doing this. How do people... See in court. How do people hear the clutter family, get your tweets, read morning remembrance, and all that good stuff. I'm Jim Earl666 on Twitter. Just Google morning remembrance with you in my name, and you'll find the book. Funny obituaries. There's a lot of compromising pictures of me on the Internet, as well. And let's hear your closing. Your famous closer. If you've been drinking, please don't drive. A dead customer is not a repeat customer. I thought you were going to say see in court. I love that. Okay, set me up again. Hey, Jim, I'll see you in court. What about this Ruth Westman? What a whore. I wish I knew what the joke was. I never called a woman that on stage. Never. Never. This is a challenge. I'm going to look it up, and I'm going to... Yeah, it's there. I got it. You think in the Bay Area in the 80s I would call a woman a whore? You really think... Once again, I do not know how to answer one of your questions. All right. I'll see you in court. Tell Jimmy Dore it's up to him. Pistols, fists, or swords. You're challenging him. You should have a hard boiled egg contest. You know what they said after the boiled egg eating contest? What? What we have here is a failure to defecate. Because boiled eggs. If you're enjoying today's show, do me a favor and subscribe to it on iTunes Stitcher. We have a YouTube channel. There's just audio, but some people like to listen to this show on YouTube, so subscribe to our YouTube channel and do me a favor and give us a good review on iTunes. You'd be amazed how much that helps. Giving us a good review on iTunes moves us up. That's the way their algorithm works, so when you give us a good review on iTunes you're really helping out. Joining us Berkshires. Not the Berkshires. Joining us. The Pioneer Valley. Comedian, comedy writer, farmer, John Ross. David, I have to complain. You? I just got off the phone with Cap Beemelman. Who wanted to go over with a fine-tooth comb. Everything I was going to talk about made me run all my jokes when I asked him. You got to get rid of that guy. And most people have kids working for them as interns. How old is Cap? Is there anyone named Cap under 70? Cap Beemelman? Is he an actual captain? Did he wear the captain cap? Cap? The picture I have in my head. But boy, he was. He was on your show, told me not to say the f-word. Which f-word am I not allowed to say? I want to talk about the n-word for a second. Let's not come right out of the gate on that one. I just have a prediction. I don't know if it's a prediction or if it's a recommendation. Because sometimes stuff happens and you go, I knew it! I knew it! You didn't say it to anybody beforehand. There's going to be a giant hit show. And it's going to be called and it's going to be a hit because of its name. And it's going to be n- asterisk g-g-e-r. And it's just because it's going to be so controversial that there's a TV show called n-as- because when they talk about it on the news and you know they, who can you say it? What do you call it? Because it's not called the n-word, like the c-word was a show on what was that? Showtime? It's going to be produced by, it's going to be written and produced somebody with the credentials like that Glover Kid. Or Michael Richards, somebody who experienced the n-word. That may be a that may be a half hour special. It would just be video of him from the door to see the left factor. I can just picture. I can just see it. I can hear on n-p-r them talking about it and trying to, you know, I don't know. I believe Penis Gregory's autobiography was called the comedian Penis Gregory. Oh, was it really? Yeah. Oh, it's already been done. But, you know, oh, it's already been done. Google it. Well, you know what, it's probably like in my subconscious or something. I've seen that and then it came back up. But, because my God, like, what a, look, obviously horrible word, but like so powerful. Like, there's no word. The idea that you can utter a sound and it would carry that much power and weight that it could like move people in so many different ways. And the idea that there's some people are allowed to say it like there's nothing in any language, in any culture that anywhere close to that is it? It's unbelievable. It's just so, and you know when you watch Chappelle, do you watch Chappelle's specials? Like, I love him. I mean, he's amazing. But you're jealous of like the way he's able, it makes stuff so cool and funny and it's like you know, look, not that he needs you know, some kind of advantage but it feels like an advantage when you're watching it. I mean, obviously he has all sorts of other disadvantages, but he is you know, I've probably getting myself in terrible hot water saying all kinds of things that I shouldn't be saying politically incorrect, but I mean, I just watch it and he just, and the way he talks it off and I can't do it, you know, I can't say it right now, but it's just like, I don't know, it's just charming and conversational and it's like there's something biblical about the power of the word, you're right it's almost as though it's from Genesis or Leviticus where the high priests of the first temple would be allowed in a room where only they could say the N word, that was the power, right? Well, I mean, or what there were words back then that were their words, you know, were their Latin Well, in Judaism you're not allowed to write God, it's G-D Right. Right. Well, and then they have and then you have all the alternative words that mean God but that you, because you can't say the actual one, I mean, I wonder if there were people saying it and going, oh, they're allowed to say it because they're, you know, high priests, but we can't say it. It's like, oh, they sing it in their songs. We can't. We can't. Yeah. So I understand a lot of your, because I know we're going to keep this short because you want to try to keep the show under six hours. But I understand you have a lot of your listeners are long-haul truckers. Yes, that's correct. Which makes like a ton of sense. And insomniacs. And insomniacs. Well, the insomniacs do maybe understand so much, but the long-haul truckers I understand because it's imperative that they not fall asleep. You know? They have to stay up and, you know, it's not going to be too long before one of your guests says something, you know, mildly amusing and you go, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And, you know, eyes wide open. Wakes the way. Wakes the way up. Yeah. the insomniacs claim that I helped them fall asleep so I'm worried that I'm providing two services one of which could end up confusing the long-haul trucker and resulting in a massive pile up look I know you didn't want me to raise this but I've been going through a little bit of a tough personal time in my life which has caused me to not be able to sleep I've had a lot of sleepless nights and I have needed to you know go to sleep and certain podcasts do put me to sleep and I have not listened to yours and it and yours doesn't I have to say I actually found you know what I found on like YouTube was somebody reading not Anna Corinna but it was like another Russian novel like they're even more in peace and like I just put that on and you know you don't have to go too far in warm peace somebody reading that to you before you're you're out but then I would wake up I'm operating on no sleep today I had an hour and a half of sleep and then I had to be up at five every conversation has started this way what's the least amount of sleep you can function on well I got I think it's different for different people I get crabby and I'm not very good I have less than you know I mean I'm you know occasionally you can go on just a few and I've had to recently but yeah I mean like I like to get at least six seven hours can you do an hour and a half for a day I mean I've had to like because I guess I've had a few nights where it was just up all night watching television and you know trying to listen stuff and rolling around and you know my heart pounding through my chest and thoughts thoughts you know but that's that's who we are that's who we I don't want to be that well here let me say this I'd like to talk to your listeners for a moment if I may yes a lot of times you say what do you want my listeners to do okay right that's the thing you do I'm gonna tell your listeners that they need to contact David Feldman through the David Feldman website and urge David to get on the train and come up here and stay with me on my homestead and relax and it's quiet and you wouldn't have hammers and jack hammers while you're trying to do a podcast for your stuff come on up here I have a hot tub we can take hot tubs no head trips you know but chickens eat fresh eggs we eat right out of my garden come on I'm gonna try to I I could use it this is people listening to this show today know when I'm burnt out and today is a burnout show yeah and you could you could do your podcast up here you could recharge your batteries and when I say that that's a euphemism I'll recharge what recharges batteries being around other people in nature you know I think I think nature yes I think being with other people what I was listening to I've been listening to things about loneliness and that and it's like you need to both be supported and support like you can't just you know I can't get on the phone and just cry my eyes out to a friend I need to then also but what about you how can I you know tell me your problems you need to it needs to be sort of you know a loop where you're you're helping each other that's the connection you're making connections with people you can come you could cheer me on in one of my baseball games I had a good name last night I had three doubles I had a diving play at the down the line third base came up through a bullet across the diamond it was good and they were like the number one team in the league Manhattan you lived in Manhattan I had an apartment which is hilarious that it was never you know this that it was I got it from Richard kind Richard kind was subletting this from somebody else and it was illegal for him to then let somebody else those went control so like really there was a hundred and fifty eight dollars and it was this apartment that was cut in half and it was on on 71st between Broadway and Amsterdam so awesome location and it was a hundred and fifty eight dollars but I had to forge Richard kind name and on a on a what to call it on a money order every month and that's how I paid it and for people they know Richard kind is his character actor he's been at eight trillion things but then I can't remember who took it over from me I think it might have been Garland I think Jeff took it over from me and then John Stewart took it over from him or vice versa it's like good why because I we I had that place which was rank controlled and then I had my rank control place in Santa Monica and I would go back and forth between the two but what I sort of found was by having two homes you have no homes but because like you're not forced to kind of face anything when things get tough someplace you go what I'm going to the other coast right go and then as soon as there's any kind of challenge in your life emotionally or otherwise you just go see you later I'm heading three times a mile the other way and so I just never felt completely moored anywhere do you think it's possible to meet a genuine person in Manhattan maybe a story of Queens I'm talking about Manhattan I don't know a story of Queens what she like maybe you could yeah that's a terrible job I thought I did he say that or did I that's so bad that's something I would say I think I think you through your voice can you meet a nice person in Manhattan a nice lady person in Manhattan who hasn't been effed over by herself all right well general generalization generalissimo generalization that's sort of your problem like this whole show should be called you know generalization with David Elton I have a question I have a theory all women are angry I have a question to do I'm in like tickled foods the women like tropical food cigarette no I don't know the women have good hand I coordination you know it's like where you think some do and some don't yeah like people could maybe need somebody somebody with a full head of hair who had you know was young and great shape and yeah they could meet somebody you couldn't the problem yeah we go together we out negative each other to be more self hated so so women in general just I don't mean I'm not making a sweeping generalization but most women would find me detestable is that a fair statement um if they found you you know you know you are invisible to most women I know like yes you're like a stealth Jew you can you can walk right up to them you could be like a spy they needed a spy in another country just walk right through it you like you'd be invisible no I mean look I think let me say can you meet somebody like how what do you like walking down the street some woman's gonna like give you the eye and kind of go above but you're the whole hang on a second why don't we step into this pub and you know I'll buy you a drink like what do you think where are you gonna meet you meet people while you're doing you know like while you're working I mean you meet people on the podcast I've heard guests seemingly who seemed into you I'm like well Kat Bemeleman that's part of the pre-interview with Kat Bemeleman right make sure you seem like you're into David that's what that's yeah the good actresses here's the problem a couple weeks ago it was a Saturday and I had been flat on my back with my Kindle and a woman a woman said to me that's it I go yeah this is I heard you tell this story that's it and she goes really yeah this is it yeah I don't want to let the cat out of the bag David look I I know like this character it works for you like you know like Jack Benny being cheap and all that I don't want to tell your listeners the truth about go ahead the number of oh my god it's like you put you know Bill Maher and Bob Saget to shame you're just like banging them out you know left right center yeah you know oh you're you know anyway that is not an attractive trait to what I think heaven is Saturday 12 hours on a Kindle coffee maybe looking up from the Kindle and saying hey this is an interesting article you know I think I think I think that is that is at a certain point in the relationship there's a you know you listen to and I do listen to your podcast and I have them all memorized so to yes man was on who that was yes I'm going to the last one I didn't hear my name mentioned and that was a little bit kind of upsetting but I was playing a mind game that was a mind game you I thought we said no mind game but oh no entrance you mentioned me and she's like no John Roth which that felt nice but she was describing you know the reading in bed with her husband and then reading the paper and the two of them and that's just heaven I don't know 12 hours that might be a little much but you know at their point in their relationship they love you know lying to bed now look this is the second gate and read for 12 somebody like yeah you know I don't know if this is like we're performing a burn you know to me I get that but there's there's a time in a place so dating is a lie dating is the first lie of a relationship you know no it's a phase it's a phase of the relationship I mean there are but yes I mean look my wife and I'm getting a divorce just like you accept it's different but you know and one of the things that she says is like it was different early on like I seem to be more up for doing more different things and now I you know I'm not as interested in going on you know a silent meditation retreat you wanted to go on a silent meditation retweet she didn't I use that actually I know I I actually want to go on one now to try to find myself oh so she didn't want to go in a silent meditation no I just I pulled that out because I didn't know what else to say but like you different things that now I remember when my third wife approached me and she said I think we'd have fun on a silent meditation retweet retweet retreat and I said you know I'm not sure I would enjoy it why don't we test it out by you shutting the fuck up for six hours it's like the cadence has slowed down have you have you heard the round tables where I actually do that no I actually say I've got a joke here we go oh yeah I mean all right this is great this is where we go I want you to do the thing I don't want you to do the thing they do with Larry Brown we just said you know names of airline disasters or they like the date and I guess okay I can't do any worse than him he didn't get any so I won't get any either cuz I don't know anything about that but I'm just saying that was hilarious you just kept I don't know what happened well first of all Larry didn't know what Larry Brown has a semi-photographic memory for plane accidents and if you go back to do he's an odd cat yeah and if you go back a year I he was like hitting them out of the park and then for some reason he climbed up there's actually a hilarious bit that like one after the other and she kept kind of gone oh is it this one is like no that no that was not that and then it was like no but I do like the big one not like the little commuter plans and if any of them some big one it's like no I don't know November 5th it was hilarious November 5th 1973 that's my birthday is it really November 5th not 70 is November 5th your birth and you said you noticed something that I do with my guests what you you said that you noticed that there's a something that I do at the end of some interviews oh yes oh that was that made me laugh the the idea that like the Johnny Carson used to be the feel of approval that you would get like did you get the okay son I know every comic would watch at the end of their set we'd all be on you know watching them and then they pan over to Johnny and sometimes Johnny would just be clapping and you go he'd get the okay son but then they get okay you go oh man Johnny gave me okay well the the new version of that is David saying stay on the line a minute okay so thanks so much I know your time is valuable you've been very generous they talk to you all right good luck hey can you stand a line a minute and then oh we got the stand the line a minute it's am alive can you stand the line for a second I'm not I'm not staying on the line when you said that I laughed so hard because it hasn't heard to me but that's how it comes across like as though people are hanging on my interviews whether or not I like the guest the reason I do that is sometimes I'm recording the interview and sometimes you just need to say the n-word what the n-word so funny the idea that this radio shows on pacific it's this far far left-wing radio show can you say it's just a string of obscenity and horrible racist misogynistic thing so you say oh my god and now you really do have to stay I'm just talking about me though it'll be like I'm saying the n-word the c-word just over and over and the guest is going uh-huh uh-huh I see here and now I'm not gonna pay you I'm gonna pay you a compliment a wonderful and and that is like you do you do spew some of the worst horrible jokes like just so bad but on the other hand you have some of the greatest jokes of all time like I would you know there's so many of the great jokes of yours that I would quote and one of them you I you I haven't heard you do in forever though I'm in your act quite but the one about how horrible the c-word is and you would never say the c-word you wouldn't even go to see world yes I hate the c-word in fact I hate it so much I won't even go to see world yeah I don't know what I don't know what they have there I won't even imagine and then the horrible tag do you remember the horrible tag no I don't well the women would get really pissed off and I go why it's c-world it's gotta be why would they get pissed off it's like oh I mean that's but I can't understand why why would some of the angry at that is that am I am I stupid well they get pissed off from my stupidity and then I tagged it with you know the c-world near bush gardens oh that would be that's it that's sort of a dumb pun but I mean to me to say look I hate the c-word that that's a chance to say something serious sort of like look I think that's a bad thing and people shouldn't say it and maybe it would have helped you if you went on a little bit and actually kind of made a point that I think the meaning and blah blah and I hate so much I won't even go to see world and then it's just a joke how is that like mean to anybody you I maybe they think they think you're knocking that there's a but I think there's a place in Orlando with angry women with short haircuts and grumpy cat faces that's what they think I'm imagining jumping out of the water to eat fish did a set two nights ago there was this is kind of interesting you have to imagine how wide my grin was when this comic was telling me this and then I'll let you go but stay on the line I will I will gird my wings so I'm talking to this really good-looking young I think he was gay he was Asian and African it was Asian and African American so so when his girlfriend asked for 69 he says I don't know I can't I can't I'm trying to do a beef and broccoli I keep doing very I know I know right so I can only do the beef part and he starts complaining to me about how politically correct college audiences are he's a comedian he's comedian he's in his late 20s he's gay he's Asian he's African American and he's complaining about the audiences and how the PC police are giving him a hard time and I just looked at him I said go on and he was I thought well this is delicious well I will say this and I obviously I don't know this guy because I don't know who he is and I know you've sort of switched positions on the whole identity comedy thing used to be like don't do that just you know don't rely your whole act on like who you are but if you do and now you're like okay that's cool go ahead and do it but if you do it and you're not good right but you're not really that smart and clever and funny but you're relying on a lot of these stereotypes which I did think there were I remember act who used to do that who you know and they got away with it because they were like this guy could make black jokes and Asian jokes and get away with it but if they're not good and they're just the stereotypes I get that people might be hey you suck don't do that you know what I mean so I don't know it could be an individual case of yeah you deserve to be getting booed but man the stuff I hear I haven't worked in colleges in a million years and so I don't know but some of the stuff you hear about the safe spaces and stuff forget about comedy just like any kind of dialogue on colleges sounding like it's being you know shut down it's weird did you ever see the triumph did you ever see triumph talking to which one the one where he goes up to Hampshire College and talks to the the kids about safe space now I'll do that I'm like oh okay no hamsters right up here ah it was great it was great we did it last year it's amazing hey stay on the line for real I'm just imagining you like you going like to Corey Brechneider this entire episode played oh that's the other thing before you go we'll finish on that one in a second okay this entire episode if it were played for any potential guests like Corey Brechneider I don't want to be a part of this this is everything yeah I mean there's so many so this is there's nothing socially redeemable about this episode I'm glad I could be a part of it you made me laugh so hard what was the thing like me delivering a funeral oration it's like they asked me to speak at somebody's funeral what would it I can't remember I can't exactly it's just something about you know people being bereaved and it's a hard time and that they're you know there are no words that I can really say but I think that if you were to do your Amazon shopping David Feldman website you know look we get a small part how can that be bad I don't know I can't remember you remember you were made I said oh it got to the point where I'm like oh baby baby oh yeah oh yeah do all your Amazon shopping for the David Feldman show website we get a small percentage of everything you better I'm so funny I forget the things that I said you have me you have me we mr. Feldman we have some horrible news your grandmother was it's the home your grandmother in her sleep oh that's terrible that's well at least at least she did her Amazon shopping yeah I was having a really hard time and you calling me and and trying to you know making feel better and you said you know one of the episodes something talks about this and it's I think if you listen to this episode it really it really resonate with you but it's it's part of a prudent content like you have to subscribe to hear it so I wish I could give you the password but my hands are yeah yeah Alex doesn't even tell me I don't know oh the other one was you were saying we're talking about a comic and you said is he a good guy and I said yeah he does his Amazon shopping via the David Feldman show that's code for being a good guy yeah he's a good guy does his Amazon show alright John Ross this was great I love you man I love you I mean seriously if you're enjoying today's show please share it on Facebook Twitter stumble upon dig Reddit copy and paste the link to this show and share it with all your friends via email spread the laughs spread the knowledge spread the love I should warn you that at some point we may be interrupted by the sound of children screaming the police still haven't found what's underneath your floorboards it's a crawl space but yeah no it's my children who are desperately trying to get to me in the basement but instead I'm choosing to use my free time talking to you Ethan Berlin has been on this show before he goes way back with me he and I would do animations together when I was blowing a lot of time money and guys trying to learn animation he is a writer producer you've seen his work on the Wayne Brady show what's up all my hello yeah did I just lose you no would you like to know totally biased with Walter Kamau Bell cranky anchors really say Walter his name is Walter it is but a new you actually see that in print no I just know Ms. Walt oh you just know okay yeah all right and you created a game show I believe was called bunk I did yeah you actually created a game show and sold it it was very it was very successful and it was on Netflix if memory serves yeah I mean originally was on IFC and then we wanted to do more IFC said they were unwilling to pay for it or air them so now you can watch it I think on Netflix we see you don't know how to negotiate that's their open that was our walk away point they say we don't want to pay you and we don't want to air it then you come back with we countered with why don't you just not pay us or why don't you just not air it and just pay us ah it's showbiz is very rough it sure is sure is that's why I wanted to be an animator and that's why you drew Murray the nut yeah Murray the nut I was just seeing it has I've been on a five-year hiatus here I'll read you the last one it's two panels yeah the first panel there's a gentleman he looks very concerned he says two wrongs don't make a right and then the second panel he's very happy the gentleman and then we see there's another gentleman who is deceased on the floor first gentleman says but I'm still gonna fuck this corpse after I did that one I said you know what I don't know if I have much else I need to say hold on there for 14 comments on this are these spam or not let's say someone says lol someone says more oh my god I'm very popular someone says and this was how Murray was put into prison the end well what oh my god well maybe America is demanding it maybe not yeah I'm very successful Murray the nut I call it foulism it's very primitive cartooning the drawings are almost stick figure like and the captions are horrifically funny and they're like lays potato chips go to Murray the nut calm oh let me check it out oh it looks great Murray the nut calm you will stay on that website for an hour you just keep looking and looking and I got to warn you it's right up your alley folks I have to warn you you're gonna like it you're gonna love it you're gonna love it so without getting too personal okay good you stopped doing it because you had kids I suggest that that's what happened I mean it's not a bad hypothesis but I don't think I stopped doing it because I was like oh this is a moral wrong which it is it is I think it was just more like oh when am I going to draw dirty pictures when I don't have any time to sleep mm-hmm what was it an outlet for you it was yeah I mean it was you know I started it as a effort to David you've you don't work a lot but when you work in show business and you're a writer a lot of times yeah you don't you don't end up doing your own thing you work for other people and so this was an effort well I'll do one thing a day that is mine that features a lot of cum eating and that sort of thing and I said Wayne Brady you can't touch that that's my company he was very upset yeah I mean it was the effort I would say to debase it down to to describe it in a way that's unfair think of the worst comics you ever saw at hustler magazine and then go three steps lower yeah and that's for a while I I had a goal I really wanted to get into the New Yorker your stuff is funny though hey come on you don't like cartoons their cartoons are funnier than their shouts and murmurs I like the murmurs did you ever come up with a Murray the nut that was even too offensive for you I'm being serious did you ever yes yeah yeah there actually have been a couple that I over the years have taken down I think two or three that I was like I don't know that's necessary like what well I took them down David oh I see some some you guys you read it sleuth they're gonna have to go through the cash and figure it out did anybody ever complain that I took them down that you yes the ACLU was like this is a injustice against the first amendment Charlie Hebdo said yeah this guy did anyone ever complain about the cartoons ah yeah I mean I feel like I don't necessarily know if it got enough attention to be complaint worthy I mean like I think the people who would have complained really didn't you know read it go to Murraythenut.com check out these cartoons they are of the same class as National Ampun in its heyday where it was shocked for the sake of shock that's not true there a lot of them were expressing how miserable I was did your parents did your parents ever see they were not happy with it I would say how do they know about it well I mean they were the nude models I don't know because I would post incessantly about it on Facebook because I was obsessed with my visits my views is that what it's called clicks yeah something yeah my analytics so I just tried to pressure everyone I knew into reposting them and then was surprised when people didn't they didn't want to be associated yeah I don't know what did you think was going to happen with Murraythenut I thought well I don't know if I thought I hoped you probably never had this there's sometimes when you write comedy when you think oh boy I don't ever want to do this again and if I ever have to see any of you again I'm going to pretend you don't exist yeah I mean I sort of had a vision that I would move out of LA this is when I was primarily in LA and move back to my home state of Virginia and support myself through web comics that that didn't happen it hasn't happened yet and did you think there was a market for Murraythenut did you think that this was going to be the thing that would cut through all the clutter and people would reward you that you could end up to be the next Hank Ketchum or Gary Trudeau I don't think I thought in those terms it didn't occur to me that I mean if I just made funny things then I would be wealthy that's how it works right describe the second to last Murraythenut well here's uh here's one from uh I'm just scrolling through I'm not saying this is just the one I'm on right now October 15th 2010 if you remember that day mm-hmm this is a three panel cartoon the first one is a gentleman he's very happy he's saying uh I'm enjoying the fruits of my labor the second panel there's a woman and she's very happy and she says that's great and then in the third panel the guy from the first panel is licking something off of his hands and says my labor is masturbating me the woman is is unhappy about this is there any comments on that there's one comment yeah what do they say somebody said that's gross I laughed out loud literally thank you for your hard work you know what the dumb part of this was it actually uh it was hard work like I'm such a terror the pictures are so terrible but if you if you looked at them you're like well this guy did these in about five seconds but this is the best I could do and I would spend eight or nine hours on them just to make them my goal was just like oh can you understand what is supposed to be happening can you tell that this guy's licking come off his hands uh and then I would redraw it uh a thousand times and then take it into photoshop and mess with it and yeah but now I'm an iPad pro so I don't need to do any of that and then I met you and I fell in love with you I know that was awkward we decided that I would animate some of your Murray the nuts I just want to be clear you decided you would animate them and some of them were pretty funny yeah and they were very dirty and you were you kept pitching them we were working on the spike ferris-ton show and you kept trying to get spike to put them on the show that's right and I was like I was like this is not right I don't think they're gonna get on the show that's right that's right I had just I spent all this time and money learning tune boom tune boom yeah and I wanted to be my own animator I'd had it with show business I figured I'm gonna learn to draw to animate this way I don't have to deal with actors producers I'm gonna learn everything and go off and be Seth McFarland and just control the whole product and I would I miss my kid's childhood because I'd be upstairs learning tune boom well I mean I'm sure your child is incredibly grateful you were otherwise occupied I think Marty short Martin short yeah call Marty I call Marty I think my wife at the time asked Marty to come over and talk me out of it he came up to my office and I had these wild eyes like Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters never seen it and I'm saying it's gonna be great Marty another year and I'm gonna be my own animation studio it's gonna be I'm not gonna need anybody I'm just gonna need people to read my scripts and nobody will edit me I'll and he took me out to lunch and said we're concerned about you but we did you know that's the thing about the internet they sell hope to you read me another panel I'm sure he's for those of you who haven't heard Ethan on the show before he created Murray the nut it's my favorite cartoon strip you did get I know you got work off Murray the nut I know I know this for a fact because I remember somebody saying to me I'm thinking of hiring Ethan Berlin is he funny and I really I just wrote here here and it had a hyperlink and the person clicked on it and said I gotta have this guy around me thought it's not gonna help the show any but it'll be fun I'm not hiring him but I don't know I think that people go to Murray the nut and they they see yours okay this guy he's getting it out of his system this is really funny maybe he won't turn into a shooter so in a way this vanity project Murray the nut Murray the nut dot com it's a loss leader as they say in business I don't know what that means when you own a department store you put something upfront as people are walking into the store they see something that entices them to go deeper into the store and it's a sale and you're gonna lose money on it it's called a loss leader but it keeps the person in the store long enough to keep shopping so you're losing money on Murray the nut but it's getting people in the business to be intrigued enough to hire you give me another panel I'm wondering if this one is going to translate but the first panel is a woman she's very excited she says we finally got a baby bump and the second panel another one presumably her friend who knows says also excited says you're pregnant and the third panel the first woman says this is where it's hard to translate she says nope we buried an infant and then there's a grave that has a bulge over it like a freshly dug grave and that guys that's what the baby bump was but I don't think that translates as well let me ask you a question now yeah what year was that oh that was back in the the heyday of child death jokes 2010 2010 obama was still president seven years ago now looking back because I'll be honest with you I would laugh at that harder before I had kids yeah I'm not as much into dead kid jokes now because it just seems sad to think about yeah because of the dead kid this is a single panel see see if this one you know what I want to do with you I want to I want to go to the 92 why okay and interview you in front of 4 000 people going over your your panels like oh okay go ahead read me one of your panels this is just a single panel guys to be playing along this is an empire state building in the background I drew that by hand and it's a New York City sidewalk there's a dude walking along and he has stopped in his tracks and is staring a gog yeah he has a t-shirt that says I heart New York and then he is he is staring at another guy who is staring back at him who has a t-shirt on that says I hurt my pets vagina okay that one didn't go over well and what were you thinking when you made that panel I mean there's a big you know epidemic in New York City of deal I'm not a politician I don't know what was the point what was the point behind that I you were you you were saying that that man liked to have sex with his his his pet and who knows what his pet was maybe his pet was a fish think about that what do you think a fish's vagina smells like that's uh is jack handy still doing deep thoughts is it too late for that were you making a point about the kitsch the tourists by were you yes that was my point I was a lot of my stuff was anti kitsch oh some of these are very sad read me a sad one and some of them are political and I love the political stuff oh good so Murray the nut you're taking a stand this is what around 2010 this is about Obamacare is this about deep water horizon yeah oh my god they're right there actually was one about deep water horizon it's very dumb and very long and probably took me two days to draw but you felt the world needed to hear your scathing criticism of BP and drilling off the coast of Louisiana so go you know what happened no this was really too hard to hard to read go back to me no go but no go back I want to hear the deep water horizon it's it's it's no it's yes detailed no I'll get you another one and I want to hear your political statements hold on I get a better one um dude what are these I mean some of these aren't as good in retrospect they say a great pitcher can remember every ball he threw in a game do you remember every cartoon panel where you were when you came oh that's interesting I think some of them I remember a general idea because I would usually draw in a couple of places this one I don't know if this one's political this is two panels it must be difficult oh it's a guy talking it must be difficult for two sisters where one is much prettier than the other and then his friend in the second panel says only if they both want to be loved I like that there's there's an element of truth to that it's sad it's dark it doesn't involve jism I see what kind of audience we're working with here well can I mean David what can I do to get you to laugh again seems like I lost you a baby killing maybe you had me maybe I'm posing for my audience and be deep down inside well let's talk about you what have you done well the joke I keep quoting on this show that I'm ashamed of I think a week doesn't go by I don't mention this because two comics recently reminded me of this joke apparently I tested this joke in front of a packed audience one night in Las Vegas where I said I just got back from the bunnyland ranch I put my hands around a prostitute's throat I started squeezing and I said stop me when I get to 300 dollars Jesus wow and I I don't remember I don't remember doing that on stage but two separate friends individually have called me after hearing the podcast claiming they were there when I did that bit wow I can't imagine being that insensitive how well do you think it did did it go over well well if I did the joke once once yes I think it probably didn't work assuming I tried it do you like a filthy writing room it's interesting I don't think it's as helpful because it depends on what your goal is if your goal is to sit around and amuse each other then it's it's good but I've noticed that in rooms where we're actually not as filthy that you're more concentrated and actually making a good show or right or that's very not making it right you're concentrated on writing whatever you're writing did this occur to you after you became a showrunner probably yes uh yeah so your first couple of jobs as a comedy writer was all that matters is I'm funny I'll sit around the table make jokes with my fellow writers make everybody laugh and the guy in charge will love me because I'm making everybody in the room laugh even though I'm distracting the showrunner from what he's trying to accomplish which is get jokes for the show well it depends meaning there are a work of lots of people who uh the showrunner is partly in charge of the insanity meaning we're there but that's what they want but I think the older I've gotten the more I'm just like let's uh let's make some funny stuff and then let's go home I don't need to be in this room all day all night when you're you know early 20s you can't believe they're giving you free coca-cola there's a wow you worked on some fancy shows there's a refrigerator yeah I can open it up and I can just all the candy and cupcakes and sugar I want yeah let's just stay till six in the morning let's just stay here yeah have your kids come into a comedy writing room yet that's interesting uh yeah I mean I've brought them to work usually it's like uh the places I've brought them in since I've been working haven't had traditional rooms they've sort of just been open cubicle levels and they run around but everyone's very nice to kids one of my sons used to come in when he was like when he just started a walk he would come in at a job I had he'd run right to the snack room and I'd let him eat as much sugar as he wanted and then he would bounce off the walls and we'd all laugh and then he'd throw a temper tantrum it would happen like every three months I'd say let's bring him in give him some sugar and watch him have a temper tantrum and then then he got older and he would come in and go listen to this and he'd fart yeah and I got threatened by him yeah suddenly he was working smart and I had to tell him to stop doing that because he'd crack up the room he'd be standing there and he'd go uh I'm reading your script what about this and then he'd fart really yes that's you must have been so proud well I mean the level of guffaw that he would get by seriously saying to them he'd be reading jokes or something he goes well this is interesting but have you thought about this and then he'd fart and nobody could believe that he had the balls to do that oh that's not how you fart by the way oh really it's not balls my male queefs my male queefs it was a great dominican baseball player he retired now yeah they killed him for his pension thousand dollars back to the dominican republic said I love my male queefs plate for the Mets my male queefs sad it's really now got dark it didn't get dark and I don't think my male queefs is ever gonna get admitted into the Hall of Fame well not in one piece David Feldman you know if you search for David Feldman this is what comes up David Feldman David Feldman MD mm-hmm I'd let there be a David Feldman yeah who was a doctor yes David Feldman worldwide well that's me that's you yeah David Feldman Dwayne Morris that's me why I am a plumber David Feldman NYU that's me I teach at NYU do you mm-hmm how you doing how many David Feldman's are there no you don't David Feldman an NYU is a gastroenterologist and he's much better looking in you there's a gastroenterologist named David Feldman yeah hmm my male queefs what medicines are you on I don't take medicine really I try not to I'm on a lot of medicine Google me see what comes up support the show by shopping on amazon.com how does that work you get a small percentage if you go on to my site then click the amazon banner okay I just did all right are you on the site yeah now it brings me to amazon okay so there's some kind of cookier code in that URL and whatever you buy we get like 5% of everything you purchase it doesn't cost you more and I don't know who the people are who are doing that and I don't know what you're buying but thank you if you do it wow my male queefs so wait yes I mean this is my Murray the nut well no I'm not trying to take it away from you I just don't understand so any if I mean so in theory what is I'm so confused you are you rich loaded from the show okay I'm I'm holding out hope that somehow this can be my Murray the nut god this is a great way to make money how much money are you making on this I don't know a couple of million a week who did your website Jimmy Lee worked it was very good what are you great groups wait a minute are you moving chairs around no that's my male queefs that's in the upstairs yeah that's probably uh my male queefs that's upstairs well I have held on to hope that somehow this podcast could become a full-time job my goal my goal is to have it be like the New York Times where people can read transcripts and I know obituaries obituary I have a goal if I had the money yeah every episode would be transcribed so people could read it uh-huh everything's cataloged on the website oh you do have a thing that has transcripts yes but then I run out of money what wait all right because you have to pay someone to do it yeah so what who's the audience that's reading a transcript of a podcast sometimes I have important people on like the author of Murray the nut oh well that makes sense actually a transcript have you ever read like a transcript of meet the press it's much more efficient than actually sitting and listening to it oh that makes sense it's one of the reasons transcripts are hard to come by because once you start reading transcripts of a show especially a new show a little bell goes off and you say hey why don't I just read instead of watch this I could get so much more done I always say if you have a short attention span reading is much more satisfying than sitting and watching television they always say television created our short attention span I think reading did because when you read you can scam television you got to sit put for 30 minutes to watch a show sorry I stopped listening um and then you have a click a link that says nsfw that was put in by jimmy lee wort I don't know even what's what's there I have a feeling oh Murray the nut's on here is it really yeah what what does it say it just says Murray the nut and there's a little link that's it which panel did I pick there's none it just literally says Murray the nut uh and then I don't understand my anus is bleeding that's a cartoon here's a cartoon whose cartoon oh it's an animation oh it's funny it's a cloud with a leaky ass did you did you make that no did I make it I don't think so because jimmy lee wort is in charge of nsfw what is it not for work well I know what that means but why is that oh it's by oh it's don Hertzfeld I don't know who that is uh he's the guy who made this video okay so now what happens is I want people to go to my website okay and download my interview with congressman Alan Grayson right okay but instead they're all gonna go to my website to see my leaky ass yeah this is what happens this is why you should never mix nsfw with socially redeeming content people will always choose not say for work over something that can actually help society is there anything going on in politics wise or in society nah not really we're taking a break this show I've gotten a couple of requests from my listeners they got mad when I had trump fatigue and ignored the trump administration now they're getting mad that it's too much trump too much sad news coming out of washington so today's show is a bit of a vacation from what's going on you're welcome everyone yeah we'll be back next week with the health care bill and gun control and jarred kushner no he's a good guest jarred kushner yeah the kush yeah yeah do you realize when jarred kushner goes to prison it'll be the first place he ever got to completely on his own uh yeah you tweeted that busted yeah sorry do you read my tweets uh yeah i must i guess huh working people tell tell everyone where they can find your tweets i'm linkedin do you have a linkedin i think i set one up a long time ago and i've ignored it and i should probably update it do you have a linkedin i was the same and then i spent the last year uh running this uh comedy channel and everyone it was very good was run by herston verizon and they hire everyone off of linkedin and i was like oh maybe i should get a linkedin i have one have you ever gotten hired by no okay and were you doing the hiring when for this what were you doing you were doing like last tv or something right it was a digital comedy channel called seriously dot tv it was a you know your two favorite the comedy hubs uh herston and verizon well they thought well what if we combine our comedy power into one and uh it was interesting we made a lot of funny stuff we made a lot of we had to make six videos a day so and we had to make them for facebook so it's it's tough there was there was a lot of there a lot of obstacles but i'd say there was you know j leno was in the room for a second yeah oh my god j leno's gotten fat how fat i was watching this kids show the other day and he had a uh a uh cameo and i was like whoa dude uh i'm very fat so have you have you gotten fat yeah i got a fat or you need to lose a couple of pounds i could stand to lose i could literally david i could lose 120 pounds seriously yeah i'm going to that's a whole person yeah what happened wait a second when did you put on 120 pounds are you putting me on well i mean it's not like i never did i mean i've been heavy my whole life i don't think i was being heavy well i think when i worked with you on spike ferrison i was probably 70 pounds overweight so you've gained 50 pounds if let me see that 70 don't try with your Jew math come on i know you're playing tricks do you uh i have nobody to give advice on i know do you eat a lot of sugar i do i think the business makes you fat well it doesn't help i mean but i'm now i've actually given up sugar now for the third time for Ramadan yeah i just can't eat sugar during the day uh last year i gave up sugar for yom kippur it was nothing i thought that was a good one anyway uh i guess so you in other words you were eating on yom kippur but you didn't eat sugar well i was going for i was so dedicated that i gave up sugar for one day right and i told somebody that you lost your virginity well i have to a rabbi right we talked about this last time i was on the show and it's still not true i have uh never had nor any i've never had relationships with that rabbi is that what the clinton said yes i think i could fall in love with a rabbi now's the perfect time they say most people their second marriage is to a rabbi statistically the only problem is i don't think it could be a female rabbi would have to be a male rabbi you know what that's fine because i mean are you eating as i just noticed you put something in your mouth oh you can hear that yes i can hear that can you hear this i know i don't hear that i was coughing um okay but if you marry so either way if you marry a woman or a man they're gonna i think be a reform rabbi right can do uh are there conservative female or gay rabbis the orthodox have female rabbis really yes but you can only fuck them through a hole in a sheet i don't know what the joke was i didn't have a chance i i had a hole in the sheet yeah i couldn't now i feel bad i don't feel bad i've had no sleep i did a thing for my friend sol colt who's that that's uh that's a famous movie star yes that's mort sol that's different uh sol coli and i got up at like five in the morning to get someplace and not an hour and a half of sleep and if i don't get enough sleep my memory goes and if my memory goes i can't make up jokes oh i have the same thing i i think i have sleep apnea i'm thinking of losing 120 pounds do you wake up in the middle of night uh struggling for breath i wake up in the middle of the night i don't know if i'm struggling for breath are you choking uh yeah but that's unrelated oh you're having a wet dream yes where i come into my own mouth oh no i was thinking oh how about this yeah because i was having a wet dream and the only way i can have an nocturnal emission is if i block the flow of oxygen to my brain so they looked at me i was i was sleeping with my hands around my throat looked at you uh the uh the pimp oh um you want to know is that funny that i was that in order for me to have an nocturnal emission in my sleep i have to choke myself uh how about that is a murray hang on that would be a funny cartoon it's a guy strangling himself in his sleep how about this how about this okay it's a kid a teenage kid well yeah he's strangling himself he's choking yeah and the mother and father go his first wet dream that's funny that would be funny right yeah the apple doesn't fall far from the tree go ahead i interrupted you oh i was gonna say i'm on linkedin and it suggests jobs for me this is account supervisor regional sales manager really yeah i don't understand linkedin works because i mean it's not like i mean my jobs i are i list what i have some of the shows i'm like they have ai and you've been feeding your jokes into linkedin yeah from the jokes that's where they come up director of business oh my god do you like administrative work do you like being in charge well those are two different questions yeah i mean i like sort of i like getting things going and moving and but you know you know spreadsheets uh i need help with it's nice someone else spread do you like running a room and helping people when they're not feeling funny and encouraging them and wait is that what you're supposed to do when you run a room oh when i run a room i just alpha dog people into oblivion yeah uh yeah i like doing that do you like to nurture talent and then yes and then see them sprout wings and fly off and become successful or do you like to turn my calls yeah or do you like to clip the wings no i like i like helping out uh young people that was actually one of the best parts of the seriously was working with i mean we worked with some immensely talented young people who are definitely going to be very successful are they millennials millennials yeah i worked with millennials the rap against millennials is they're young they're happy they have their whole life ahead of them yeah that's what people their feet don't hurt they're not bitter they're not resentful they're not the kind of person who you can replace for somebody a lot cheaper that's the rap against them is that a fair is that fair yeah i mean you kind of nailed it so i mean the cliche is is is true they're better than you i found i learned a lot working from working with working against working near millennials yeah i found them to be see people say i think they're one rap is that they're lazy or something like that but i found them to be insanely confident to a degree that i never would have dared to have been at their age but to their benefit like you know they were the first there was a lot of years when i was working on shows and i was just like yes sir i'll do whatever you want i love you guys and there's you know these younger guys are like hmm it doesn't seem funny or hmm that's that's not really i don't really want to do that and but they would have something they wanted to do and they'd be like all right well do that you know your voice that was um i don't it i kind of wish when i was younger that i had had more conviction millennials know exactly what they want does it help sometimes to not know what you want and be told what to do does it help sometimes to yes david you're a good person does it sometimes helped have had a day job where you had to eat somebody's excrement i don't know i mean what's the so there is part of me that's like oh i want you to suffer the way i suffered but did it make did the shitty parts make me better or did the good parts make me better right it's not like they're not disciplined like they would still work the hours and put the work in it's just they would they didn't do the the butt munching part they don't do the butt munching and is that because of technology they've learned how to do all these things on their own so they no longer need this yes creativity funnel that has to be approved by the graphics department and the director and then the you know now they can just make the thing by themselves they're not accustomed to the funnel right yes they don't yeah they don't need anyone else which is what our dream was when we first with your david Feldman show i needed to learn that i didn't want to need anybody else oh they already know that yeah but you do need people i mean yeah they're not but i mean don't they have uh too much sex that's what drives me crazy about millennia it's the worst their their cavalier attitude yeah towards sex and how disposable humans are to them that's my only criticism i hate when they're walking down the sidewalk and they they just they'll see you like a baby carriage and they'll just start fucking it the baby carriage which is disrespectful to the baby i just you know the other thing about millennials i have you seen this when they they start eating at a manhole cover i just i just can't stand that not it's like get it together guys yeah all right well this was fun right no it wasn't i was going to tell you it wasn't fun no it was a hoot it was a hoot in a holler and i apologize to everyone who has had to listen gosh there was something mildly interesting i was going to say but we'll we'll do it in three years when i'm back on again used to do this show when i did it in front of a live audience i did and i was i read murray the nut there and it was very exciting one night because you have famous friends and robin williams was there and i was like oh man i'm about to perform for robin williams and then he left before i performed but maybe next time i perform he could come very very talented gentlemen that's who i wanted to be as a kid are you being serious yeah i wanted to be robin williams or bill murray because i was a kid in the 80s they were they were huge and that was i was like i want to be those guys who made you laugh really really hard as a kid was it bill murray and robin or was that something that you wanted yeah man well ghost busters came out of them and that was great eddie murphy as well now that i'm an adult i was allowed to watch beaverley hill's comp is that's not a kid's movie right are you're not oh wait a second yeah are you gonna keep your kids from seeing certain types of comedy i have a feeling you are what do you mean i try to control what my kids saw but i had no say so by the time they were six they are already watching south park really i had uh yeah i don't want that i hear this maniacal laughing coming from the living room and it's the nagger episode the wheel of fortune and i go i turned it off and my son is there with his friends and they go running the appeal to the higher court and i was overruled i kind of think she was right i i think kids should see all types of comedy and cinema well not squirter videos but yeah i'm looking at beaverley hill's cop came out when i was seven man it was r rated i can't believe that i was left i just uh also just because of my parents i can't believe i mean i definitely saw it when i was a kid what what i discovered with my children they were saying certain types of comedy in early age that they kind of learned there's a time and a place for it they they're very funny and have gentle senses of humor because of it i think hmm so anyway maybe i'll have him go watch us now hey congratulations on being invited back to my show i uh thank you and i thank the academy that's my new thing is uh going hey i heard uh i heard you got the david felbin show how many what's the uh who's been the on the most me surprisingly oh other than you i guess eddie pepitone frank khaniff over the years jimmerl all right all good people how we climb what happens is people tend to do the show a lot and then they get sick of me and they stop doing it for a while and my feeling is keep putting them on until they realize i'm an a-hole and then they go away well that's why i haven't been on in four years oh you real i had a back you to do this show yeah uh so what are we gonna do now read me one more murray the nut and then we'll say goodbye fine oh hold on what is this uh this one oh i found a yeah let's see well this one is really well drawn okay read it to me i don't know i just was uh hi that one was good uh are you reading on the toilet what are you doing yeah sorry this whole thing i'm in a body this one doesn't have a hard punch line but uh it's just a a picture of a book and the book cover says looking for places to shit and then the caption is if i ever write a memoir uh you know i got a shit a lot i know that we did one we animated one okay where it was something like and you did the voice i did the animation but you drew it and you're saying to a woman i lost my virginity in my parents basement where did you lose yours hmm do you remember what she says no come on i lost my virginity in my parents basement where did you lose your virginity my butt yep this is great this is a great uh great jeopardy uh huh and what was great about it was ray james and i were writing these i was animating them and then we were pitching them to spike ferris than to put on the show not that not that dirty i was saying well we can do these they're very primitive kind of like you know tracy allman had those primitive simpsons uh huh yeah we'll do them cleaner though very politely said let me think about it which was no and i didn't understand why he didn't this was one of the stuff murraythanuck.com thank you ethan thank you uh david veldman show dot org dot com dot com go there buy stuff on amazon through them uh oh boy all right well i'll see you next time thanks for listening i think this episode was the most socially redeeming of the year i think we covered a lot of important topics tackle some hard issues and i'm very proud of today's episode if you would like to gain access to our premium content please go to david veldman show dot com and hit the go premium button and sign up for as little as five dollars a month you can gain access to all our premium content do all your amazon shopping via the david veldman show website hit the contact button and say hello from the show briz studios in downtown manhattan medicare for all