 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, the number one reason why men pull away and it has nothing to do with you. All right, let me repeat that, it has nothing to do with you. Now before we get started today, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell to be notified of new content. And if you like this video, please smash that like button, hit it as hard as you can, so more people get notified of this and more people get to see this if you like this. And I'll be mentioning it throughout the video. All right, we're gonna talk about the number one reason why men pull away that has nothing to do with you. Now what's interesting as a dating relationship coach, I've noticed that women, the number, one of the top search terms for women seeking advice about understanding men, centers around, why are men commitment phobic or why do men pull away? Why did he disappear? Why did he ghost? Why did he pull away? Why are men commitment phobic? All of these are the top search terms for women who are seeking advice on men, okay? Because women who are in happy relationship, they're not seeking advice on men, they're just experiencing their happy relationship and those who feel frustrated, anxiety. But and many that are actually seeking to improve their relationship, they're seeking advice. But I'm predominantly today, talk predominantly, is that right? Today I'm gonna talk about the why men pull away conversation because that happens to be the most prevalent one for so many reasons, for so many reasons. And I'm gonna share a story with you in a moment from a client and then I'm gonna illustrate it and then we're gonna go to Q&A. So this is gonna go for about 10 minutes and then you can go into Q&A, that we're gonna go into Q&A. So oftentimes a relationship might start off strong. You know, I mean, there's excitement for one another, there's mutual enthusiasm, there's mutual attraction and things are kind of progressing along and then somewhere six weeks, 12 weeks into the relationship, we see and this happens frequently, men pull away, men pull away, they energetically pull away. And I wanna share a story with you for one client that this happened because it's gonna illustrate the point and what she did about it, what she did about it, so she didn't create a lot of anxiety in her life. So I'm gonna read to you the email I got just a few days ago. So bear with me, it's gonna take a few minutes to read and if you're on just simply hit hello, okay, I noticed a few people are on, so thank you. So I'm gonna read this to you, okay? It says, Jonathan, I've been dating a guy for three months and I do believe he's worth sticking around for. Backstory on this, he's been phenomenal at dating, he's put so much effort into making each of our date nights special and he takes my date ideas into action too. Now I lost my plan of thought, okay, he's always present and he not only listens but he takes what I say and takes action on it if I express something he can provide. About three weeks ago, I noticed our dates became just dinner and a movie night, which is fine as I enjoy being with him but I felt disconnected and he hasn't seemed interested in having sex, that's stung, I won't lie. The real kicker was the other night when he made dinner, bonus points for a guy that can cook and we sat on his couch and we sat on his couch and after and talked a little but then he turned the TV on and 10 minutes later he fell asleep. I had to wake him up and tell him I was going home. I thought, well, damn, he's bored with me. He doesn't wanna be with anymore and he doesn't know how to say it, blah, blah, blah, blah, the shit in my head. Then I spent a couple of days with him not responding to my text. I finally texted and said, do you think it would be possible for me to see and hear from you more? He responded with a sure and he picked me up for dinner that night. I had asked him to come in after dinner because I, because I, big mistake, wanted to talk about it without considering that he wasn't ready to talk about it. Let me repeat that, she says, I wanted to talk about it without considering that he wasn't ready to talk about it. He said he was afraid he would fall asleep again and that he really felt like a heel when he did that. Let me repeat that. He said he felt like a heel for doing that. He said he was afraid. I started to get in my head over that again. This is her. She said I started to get in my head over that again. But then I thought, what if he's just tired? What if it has nothing to do with me? This is the second time he's mentioned that he felt bad about falling asleep. So clearly it's bothering him too. I could have easily gotten angry and spent the whole bunch of time in my head creating a story that made me feel better about feeling rejected. But instead I did the following. Now I'm gonna share this with you but I know a lot of coaches would say, well just lean back and let him come to you but I wanna share with you what she did because she's following my advice of leaning into the relationship. Can someone write that down, leaning into the relationship? This leaning back method and going into your own energy, all it does is prolong things and that's why I wanna shift the narrative. By the way, I have to put my phone off, put it on silent. Okay, so this is her next comes. She says, this is her texting him, good morning. I just wanna take a minute before going to pick up equipment and start working, whoop whoop. You mentioned to me twice that you felt bad about falling asleep on me the other night. I wanted to talk about it last night but you were afraid you might fall asleep again. I actually was worried that you might be getting bored with me but now I'm thinking you're just tired. I don't wanna sit and overthink this so that's why I'm texting you. I hope you know I really like being with you and I don't care if we're awake or asleep. Just being close to you is enough for me. I left because I knew you had to work and I wouldn't stay over, otherwise I would have suggested we go to bed. I hope this helps you feel less like a heel. I hope your day is amazing. Can you see what she did? She leaned into him from a heart-centered place, ladies. I wanna encourage you, where's my book? In my book, wait, let's find the actual chapter. The chapter is, where is it? Now I can't even find my chapter. Well, I know what it is. If it's sincere and from the heart, oh, it's chapter nine, that's what I thought. If it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Can you repeat that? If it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So he followed up with the following. Howdy, hope the new job started off well. Sorry for being distant lately. I'm wrestling with some issues in my head and instead of talking about it, I've been avoiding it. Work's been hectic and I've been letting that take precedent. She writes, thank you for telling me. If you wanna talk about it, I'm here for you but I also understand not wanting to talk about it. She said though, the best advice I ever was given, you can't fix the shit in your head with the shit in your head. Let me repeat that. You can't fix the shit in your head with the shit in your head. Talking to someone you trust really does help. I do understand though, I'm here either way. Is there anything you need from me while you're dealing with this? I love what she did. She was very supportive. She was treating him as a partner and not this rhetoric that men are chivalrous and they're gonna take charge and they're gonna claim you because when men want something, they just go after it because that's what men do. Ladies, and I'm gonna explain this in a second, human beings are riddled with shit going on in their lives. This expectation, this narrative, most of you've been adopted, this whole Prince Charming narrative that we just literally are gonna go after you and it's gonna be fucking perfect from beginning to end is bullshit rhetoric. You gotta throw that out the window because human beings are riddled with shit. They're riddled with shit. Now, I mean, they're actually literally riddled with it in their battle system, but they're also just dealing with stuff is what I'm talking about. So this is what he, so she followed up and said, wow, he's not good at verbally expressing his feelings. By the way, we took the love languages test and both got physical touch first, but my second is words of affirmation and his second is quality time. He's really good at showing his feelings with action and since learning my love language, he's tried to give me a little verbal affirmation here and there. Anyways, I was just left wondering how many women let a good guy get away because she didn't understand and she got in her head about it. Maybe you could do a show on this. Feel free to use my story, leave my name out. So her name is, we're gonna make up a name, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, all right, so you get the gist. I love her share. I'm truly grateful for her share because what she's talking about is the number one reason why men pull away most often when it's a good relationship, when it's a fledgling relationship and it's going well, there is chaos going on in his life. There's chaos going on in his life. Now, is it big, gigantic chaos or little chaos? It seems to me he was going through a little bit of chaos. He says he's got some issues with work, some family issues to deal with. And when we're dealing with stuff, it's very difficult. Two things are very difficult to do. If you haven't developed enough trust in the relationship and what I'm doing here, these are roots. I want you to imagine a tree with roots. Roots are like, trust is like roots to a tree. The deeper the roots, the safer you feel with someone because like a tree in a hurricane wind without roots, it's gonna blow away. So they're just in the beginning stages of building roots. They have barely any roots built in three months. It's very a weak root. So he doesn't feel safe with her yet to open up. Doesn't mean he's not capable of it. What she did is she leaned into the conversation. She didn't do what you've been told over and over again is to pull away, lean back, be in your feminine energy, work on yourself. She leaned into the conversation and look what she got out of it. She got a healthy, mature response from him. And that's my invitation for you all today is to start leaning into these conversations instead of leaning back. Because this whole masculine, feminine rhetoric and believe me, you don't want me to get started on that or maybe you do, is all a crock of shit. We have to treat each other like human beings from a loving, kind place. By the way, I didn't show when I was reading my book, this is the book, What the Heck Can Self Love Anyway, there's a link below to get my book. By the way, if this content is ready, resonating with you, please hit the like button because I'm gonna go deeper right now but please hit that like button so I know this is resonating with you, all right? The narrative has to be shift and what I wanna shift this narrative is to start thinking of a relationship from the heart. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a great book to date from a heart centered place and not this bullshit rhetoric that men are supposed to do this and women are supposed to do that. This book ruined it for you ladies, the book The Rules because it's bullshit reverse psychology way of teaching things and it doesn't fucking work. You know what works? Is York first off leaning into your own, oh, I'm yelling. Okay, I gotta come centered here. I get very excited, as you can tell. Okay, but my encouragement for you all is lean into your sovereignty, lean into your self worth, lean into your self esteem, lean into your self love just like this client did and look what she got out of it. Instead of getting all up in her head that I did something wrong, it was just simply he's going through temporary chaos. Now I'm a big proponent of not dating people who are in absolute chaos in their life where their whole life is just a train wreck because those usually crash and burn but there's a difference between situational chaos like what he's going through versus a chaotic life. And the benefit of what she did is she developed trust with him, she expressed intimacy, she was vulnerable, authentic and transparent and she's developing the roots to a deeper, stronger relationship and that is my invitation for you. The number one reason why men pull away oftentimes there's chaos going on in his life and it has nothing to do with you and what she did was perfect. She didn't make it all up in her head making up a story that wasn't even true. Is this resonating with you? If it is, please hit that like button. I'd be truly grateful. All right, we're gonna take questions now so let's go into the Q&A board. Boo writes, you can't fix the shit in your head with the shit in your head, that's exactly it. Hey Jennifer, how you doing Tina Boo? Okay, Kelly writes, this is so true. Compassionate communication is non-threatening and makes it easier to open up. Ladies, you are the emotional containers for, okay, let me repeat this. You are the emotional leaders of the relationship. By opening up, it gets men to open up. We are only gonna open up as if you show us how. We most men don't know how, so it's your job. And if you need some support on that definitely get this book. Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Great book, should have been called Compassionate Communication. Compassionate Communication. All right, let's take some, okay. Thank you, Kelly. Mary Beth Wright, my guy is getting deployed for one and a half months. What is the best thing I can do to be supportive to your anniversary June 4th? Fuck his brains out? I'm sorry, that was rather crude of me. By the way, I'm drinking a Moscow Mule. It's happy hour right now. What's the best thing you can do for him? He's only gonna be gone a month and a half or 1.5 months, month and a half, so six weeks. You know, maybe throw a little party for him. Maybe just have a nice dinner together. Whatever feels right for the two of you, just do something simple, not complicated. That's what I would do. And certainly put no pressure on him. I would say this, I would say this. Hey, sweetheart, look it. I know you're going, you're deployed for the next month and a half, and I'm sure that's gonna have a lot of pressure. I want you to know that I'm gonna put no pressure on our relationship. If I don't hear from you, that's okay. I just want you to know no pressure coming from me, no expectation of telephone calls, no expectation of text messages, because I know you're busy. And that's okay, because I can take care of myself. When a man doesn't feel responsible for your feelings, he is more apt to lean into your feelings. When he feels responsible, we'll pull away. If you make it simple by saying I have no expectations, he's gonna lean into contacting you while you're apart. Not that you asked that, but, and your anniversary, just enjoy your anniversary. Okay, I hope that helped Mary Beth. Beth writes, oh, Joy writes, I read the rules years ago. It didn't set right with me whatsoever. Thank you. Beth writes, I'm so confused. It's so confusing because he says he appreciates and adores me and says I'm incredible, but ignores me and my social media now. Like why say and lure me in and then act non-existent? Okay, this is a great question, Beth. First off, I just wanna give you a hug because it's not, it doesn't feel good when someone pursues you and then they pull away. Yeah, here's the challenge. We all are desperate for connection, especially because of COVID. Everybody is desperate for connection. But most humans want connection and sex. That's a kind of a given. We want connection and sex. And when you're in your 20s and 30s, most of the time, men who are serious about a relationship are seeking a wife. So they have an agenda because they want to start a family at some point. For those of us in our 40s, 50s and 60s, it's a little bit different. The main agenda is companionship, but that's a very weak-rooted agenda. Okay, now I'm talking about agendas first. So we have to understand this. This is why I highly recommend reading the book. Where is it? Oh, where is mating and captivity? By, definitely read Esther Perrell's work. I love Esther Perrell's work, mating and captivity. She talks about what today is happening is most humans want connection and sex, companionship, but the ambiguous piece is the commitment. What is commitment for them? That's the big challenge. This is why ladies, when you set your standard of what you want and you express your standard to a man, it helps him recognize whether or not he's ready to meet that standard. So what is your standard? What does commitment look like for you? So Beth, I invite you to explore that for yourself. Why is this happening? Because the reality is this, most people aren't compatible with one another. This whole, we've been adopted this fantasy that if we have amazing chemistry, everything will just naturally work out because amazing chemistry means we love each other. That's bullshit. Amazing chemistry doesn't mean we love each other. Building the roots to trust is a demonstration of loving each other. And so how do you build the roots to trust? Ladies, you buy this fucking book. I'm sorry for saying the F word. I know some people get upset with me. This book, eight dates, this teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Most of you have never learned, most of you and men have never learned what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. Buy this book so you can learn what it looks like. And here's the deal. If the penis wants to get inside the vagina, read this book together. I don't know why. I mean, this is the gold standard. This is the Bible before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. You have to talk about this. Stop this whole stupid narrative. Just have fun. It's all about having fun. You know what, Jonathan? I just want to live in the moment, have fun. Yeah, living in the moment has fun, has consequences. It's called choosing the wrong people over and over again. And then, there I go yelling again. Choosing the wrong people over and over again and expecting different results. Ladies, it's time to shift the narrative and that's my invitation for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button to let me know that this is resonating. There's 60 people on and only 23 likes. I want more likes. All right. Joy writes, okay, Beth writes, not one ounce of support for my dad when he knows how much I've supported him. I'm really confused how to be anymore. I think I'd rather be single forever than I won't be disappointed. Beth, here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me, I think we need to do some coaching. All right, Virginia writes, hey, Jonathan, so what's more valuable love action or love words, examples, please? Okay, so, I think, okay, so when I think of actions matching words, so there's action and there's words, words, simply the words I love you are words. That feels really good when someone says, I love you. Let me tell you what I love you means to me. And this is putting it in action. I love you means I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm gonna repeat that, someone write that in there. I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Now, let me tell you what this means. I'm here means I'm present. Being present means your head isn't in the future. Your head's not in the past. You're present. That's an action to be present. I'm here. You matter. Meaning your feelings matter. I genuinely want to know how you're feeling because your feelings matter. We are important. I'm doing a heart. We are important. We are important basically says, I recognize there's a you and there's a me and then there's a separate entity called we and I'm willing to make that important. I've got your back. I've got your back. That means if you need me, I'm there for you. I'm not going anywhere. That means commitment. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. That means I'm passionate. I want to fuck your brains out. I want to have juicy, delicious, love making on a regular basis. I only want you. When someone says the words I love you, that's what it should feel like. It's words and action. So they're both equally important. Words important and actions are important. Even though in the five, where's my book, The Five Love Languages? The Five Love Languages, okay? Words, quality time, physical touch, access service gifts. For me, I'm a words of adoration guy, not a words of affirmation. Okay, I'm an adoration guy. Okay, I'm a Leo. But words and physical touch are like my two things, right? So physical touch is an action. And even saying the words are an action. Words matching actions are very important. So they kind of go together. But check out this book if you want to understand this a little bit deeper. All right, I hope I answered your question, Virginia, giving you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Mindy writes, how long after a significant breakup before dating a man? You know, that's an interesting question. I once heard the story for every year you dated, you need about, what was it? Three months, for every year you dated, you need at least the three months of not dating. So if you dated for five years, that could be a year and a half. I think a good 12 weeks minimum after a significant relationship just to get back into your sovereignty. I want you to imagine if you had a significant relationship, it's like a tapestry. When you unravel the tapestry, you're back, he's here, you're here. It takes time to get back into your sovereignty. This is why this work is so important. My book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And my invitation for you all is to do the deep work, not just when you're in relationship and not when you're not in relationship but every day of your life. Even 15 minutes a day of meditation can make a big difference in your life. I'm gonna take a sip. Anyone else drinking right now? Post a comment below. All right, let's see what else we got. Is this resonating with you? If it is, please let me know and hit that like button. Oh, and if you want some support, check out the link to a free discovery call with me. If you can't afford coaching, check out the link to my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my podcast called The What Would Love Do Podcast. I got a lot of resources to help you. Okay. Oh, bear with me. Oh, God, we have a lot. Kimi writes, I bought that fucking book. Thank you, Jonathan. Eight dates, Lori wrote that. Choose Love Your Choice, exactly. My friend that my heart likes the most, father is in hospice care. It happened pretty fast. I wanna remain supported, but I also know he has a lot of family business to sort out. How do I support him? You know, sometimes supporting people, the most important thing is to support yourself in supporting another. Just simply say, I'm here for you. I've got your back. And then that's it. Sometimes that's all you have to say. I'm here for you. I've got your back. That's all you have to say. And then go about living your life. He's gonna do his thing. It depends on how deeply rooted your relationship is. How much friendship did you build with one another? I can tell you ladies, most of you are effing clueless at this one important piece of building a relationship. And that's the friendship piece. How is friendship built? Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, and intimacy, both sexual intimacy and verbal intimacy. You have to build that friendship piece. And let me tell you why. My mom and dad who were married for almost 66 years, one month before 66 years before my mom passed away. And I can tell you they were best friends. I'm gonna tell you a story about mom and dad. So this is about seven or eight years ago. My mother and father live in a retirement community and one day I came over and the internet was out, the TV was out and they said the cable guy is coming in a few days to fix it. I go, okay. And I came back a few days later and my mom and dad are typical elderly people. They'd sit on their Barker Lounger and watch Lifetime movie channel, Jeopardy. What was after Jeopardy? What's the one with Vanna White? What's that board game with Vanna White and Pat Sajak? I can't remember it right now, someone write it down. Anyway, so they watch it and I'm like, and I came over and I go, mom, is the TV, when's the TV getting fixed? She goes, it already got fixed. I go, well, what have you been doing all this time? She goes, I've been, oh, I'm sorry, let me backtrack. When the TV went out, I go, what are you gonna do without the TV? She goes, I'm gonna talk to your dad. I'm like, great. So now the TV's back on, excuse me, the internet's back or the cable was back. I go, mom, why aren't you watching TV? And she says, I'm not done talking with your dad. They got back into their habit of talking to one another. They were best friends. They just constant, nonstop talking to one another. They just loved each other from that friendship piece. Ladies, one of the challenge in most of your relationship is you haven't built the roots to friendship. And it hurts, it breaks my heart that you're in relationships with people you aren't friends because here's the thing, when someone needs support and you've already your friend, they already know you have their back and they already know you have, they already know you have their back and you know they have their back. You're not second guessing this and most likely the friendship piece isn't the strongest. I'm not saying that's the case. I'm just suggesting that could be one thing. All right. Mike writes, no, please check FTC commissions. There are a lot of scammers. I don't know what that means. Please check, okay. Without being a bug, boo, okay. Boo writes, I'm here, you matter. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. I only want you. Okay, let's see. I had a guy who pulled away because he felt stuck and said he just needed to do it himself. You know, one of the challenges is when people are hurting, today, most people today don't have good outlets. They haven't developed a really good support system to help them like a therapist or a good coach. And it's very hard to do that with someone you care about because men don't want to be perceived as weak. Let me repeat that. Men don't want to be perceived as weak. So that's one of the challenges with a lot of men is that they go inward and they crawl inside when there's challenges going on in your life. This is why it's so critically important to build the friendship from the very first date. This whole narrative that men are in charge and they lead the dating process, really what the process should be that you both are developing the friendship. You both are developing the friendship. And if you want some support with that, check out a link to a free discovery call with me. That's my area of expertise in helping you with that, okay? All right, Virginia writes, okay, but what if I get love action but no love you yet? Say I love you to him. Why aren't you doing it? Just curious, why haven't you said I love you to him and see what happens? If you're worried about scaring him away, then your relationship isn't that rooted. If you genuinely love him, then say the words. Let's stop waiting for men to do this. This scares men away. Actually, men lean into it more when you do it first. Stop being afraid of men, ladies. All right, Beth writes, do you think that if we watch all these videos from coaches deter the outcome we want, I feel like I analyze more than just living more things. Okay, Beth writes a great question. Could watching all these videos be ruining your love life? The answer is absolutely yes. When you're getting different narratives, it's absolutely confusing. It's absolutely confusing. And so that's why I'm such a big proponent of not listening to the feminine energy coaches from my clientele have great results. And I get a lot of women who have done the feminine energy coaching and then they come to me because they realize those results don't work. You have to choose a coach where the results are working for you. So my invitation, don't listen to fifth book. You can listen to personal development coaches like John Gottman, Marshall Rosenberg, Dave. Here's a great book, How to Be an Adult in a Relationship. How about reading these books and then making up this stuff for yourself? That's my invitation for you. And I highly recommend, highly recommend Marianne Williamson's work, Return to Love, Return to Love. Oh my God, this is such a great, this is the CD version. I highly recommend listening to Marianne over and over and over again. This is goal. This is how you can get into your heart. And when you're in your heart, you don't need to listen to me anymore. You've got it down. When you're loving on yourself, you won't need any of us coaches anymore. Okay, boo, let's see. Right back at you, Jonathan, thank you. Okay, ladies, I may ask, have to ask you to buy questions so I can find these. How do I build the emotional intimacy piece in a healthy way? I meet people who act like they are into me, but I spend most of my time managing boundaries too fast for me. So Catrice, one of the things is in my coaching practice, I teach you how to vet for emotionally available men. This is in my coaching practice. What's most important is vetting your prospect. I used to be in the insurance business. One of the things I did is I vetted my prospect. By vetting your prospect, you know whether or not you have a good candidate to invest in. Now, vetting the prospect isn't does he drive a nice car? Does he have a nice body? Does he have a nice house? Those are just superficial things. I'm talking about vetting for his emotional maturity. That's my area of expertise in coaching. If you need support, check out the link to a free discovery call with me. Please hit like if this is resonating with you. Okay, K.M. Wright. Wait, let me go back. Robin writes, why do you guys bread come? Why even bother if they're not interested? As a former breadcrumber myself, I'm gonna tell you the story about my son. There's Colin right there. There's Colin right there. Colin's my oldest. For those of you who know my youngest Connor, that's him right there. He passed away a couple of years ago. And oh, shit, I'm gonna get emotional now. Let me get my bearings back. Let me go back to Colin, okay? Colin, I'll never forget he was 14 years old and he wanted to buy a video game. I think it was Halo. And he saved up all his money and he worked around the house and made extra money. And then the video came out at midnight at Best Buy and we went to Best Buy at 5 p.m. and hung out in line and we were one of the first people in and we got the video game and he played it over and over and over again. Then he got bored with it. And then Duke Nukem came out and then Grand Theft Auto came out and something else came out and he kind of forgot about it. My point is, while I'm sharing this with you, is a man might make a big investment in the beginning but that doesn't mean he's capable of being in a relationship. In fact, here's an analogy, okay? Here's a little pie chart, okay? This, so 10%, 10%. The first 20% of this pie chart represents men with clinical issues. I'm talking about clinical issues, whether, I don't know what on the spectrum but they talk about borderline personality, bipolar, narcissism, sociopaths, all that sort of thing, okay? Roughly 20% and this is anecdotal. So don't, this isn't an absolute. I'm just using this as an illustration. Are people that have clinical issues, okay? Now, 10% of them in their interrelationship and 10% are not. In other words, half of those people are interrelationship and those relationships are a clusterfuck like you can't believe. Then there are people with issues that are doing little or no personal development work on themselves. By the way, this is men and women alike. Then there's people that are doing some work on themselves, maybe a little bit of therapy, maybe a little bit of reading books, maybe doing something, okay? They're in the tunnel. They're actually, they're contemplating, who am I, why am I here? And they're doing a little bit of work. And then there's the 20% who are really, they've graduated and they're really emotional grownups. That's roughly about 20% of the population. Half of them are in relationship, half are not. My point being is you have a one out of eight chance of getting someone who's not in this top, or excuse me, not one out of eight. One fifth chance of not getting someone in this category. Most people, men and women alike have issues, real stuff that they haven't done, they've done little or no work on working on themselves. That's the vast majority of the population. So rather than assume that men are chivalrous and they're gonna claim you like the feminine energy coaches tell you, how about just assuming everybody is fucked up and it's just a matter of degrees. Your job is to figure out how bad they are, because you don't want to invest in the guys that are in this percentage. You want to invest in these guys. And that's what I teach you in my coaching. Is this sinking in, is this resonating, please hit that like button if it is. And that's why men bread come because they're all over the map and they haven't done little or no work. And just like my son, they want something for a little bit, but because they're always, people that are chasing, people that are, I have a video I shot. When a man stops chasing, that's when he's ready for love. When people are chasing connection and sex, they're not ready for love. When a man is really stepped into a sovereignty, his self love is empowerment. He's very intentional. And by the way, he weeds out these 80% of women. Okay, he, like I'm not spending time in this category. I'm looking for that 10% or that really, and it's a small percentage because half of them are already in relationship. And believe me, I know a lot of you ladies think you're in that 10% or most people aren't. I'm barely in the 10%. I might even not be in the 10% yet. I've still got my shit going on. I've got issues. All right. Who writes, after 11 years, I called it quit. He doesn't want space, why? We both agreed it's toxic. Good for you, you called it quits after 11 years. I wish you did it sooner. Lovely one. My main focus is the friendship. If a relationship does not work, can we still be cordial? Absolutely. You can be cordial to someone that didn't work just because there's a line from sex in the city. When you love someone and you break up, where does the love go? Well, here's the thing. You can still love someone and not be in relationship with them. A grownup person knows how to do that. I don't have the book. My friend Catherine Woodward Thomas wrote a book called Conscious Uncoupling. Conscious Uncoupling. In fact, my ex-girlfriend and I are in that book because we did a Conscious Uncoupling. I'm on page 121 and 122. I love the fact that I'm in someone. And by the way, she's a best-selling author. Her book calling into one is like a top-selling book. I'm grateful. Catherine Woodward Thomas, Conscious Uncoupling. Yes, you can be friends with someone if it's healthy. Now it's not healthy if one of you wants to have sex with you or one of you is still pining for the other one. You have to literally separate from each other. And here's my recommendation. If you're gonna be cordial, don't be emotionally intimate with an ex. Don't share intimate things with an ex-partner. Save that for other people in your life. Keep it cordial from a friendship perspective, not an intimate emotional perspective because you don't wanna fall into the trap of what's called emotional sex. Okay. What if a guy says he's interested in you and likes you but then pulls away and says he's busy with work and it's not fair to me? You know what you should do to that guy? Right, where did it go? Bear with me. Main. You know what? Call him out on his bullshit. Why the fuck did you invest in me if you're gonna tell me now you're too busy? You know what? I heard of guys pulling this fucking bullshit. You know what? Smack him upside the head and say why the fuck did you get me to get attached to you only to pull this bullshit? Some guys need a fucking kick in the ass. You know, this bullshit that guys always say well I'm just not ready for a relationship and I've said this bullshit too. It took a woman smacking me upside the head to learn stop doing this shit. Date when you're ready. Not because you want companionship and sex. Kick him in the nuts, not literally, figuratively and call him out on his bullshit and then walk away and never speak to him again. Hey, that's just a suggestion. I'm not saying you have to do it. That's just a suggestion. I'll probably get guys going in here going don't do that. Okay, Atiyah writes, I developed a friendship with a former doctor. I called him by his first name at an appointment. I called him by his title along with his last name. He came up to me. I said I don't call me that and I said don't call me that long. I don't understand your question. Call me by the name that you, I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying. I apologize. That's rights I own return to love. Great. Catrice writes, excellent. Thank you for responding to my question. You're very welcome. A writes, can someone confirm the name again please? I don't know what that is. Okay. SMD writes, what do you do with a guy who flakes on you? Doesn't contact when he says he will, how to kindly punish him and show you deserve respect? Well, I don't believe in kindly punishing someone. I do believe calling people out on their bullshit, but I don't believe in kind, the idea of punishing someone doesn't feel right to me. Did it feel right when your parents punished you for just being a child? No, didn't feel right to you as a child. So why would you do that to someone else? I'm not a big proponent of that. How do you, and I will, but I do believe in calling people out on their bullshit. And you don't have to say to show deserve respect. You know what, you don't have to say the words, I deserve respect. You just say, I just don't put up with that bullshit. Go off, live your life, go find some other low hanging fruit. That's not who I am. What do you do when your ex, KK writes, what do you do when your ex-boyfriend long distance wants to still be friends yet talks to me, he talks to me, mom, about our relationship. It's annoying. He talks to his, I'm assuming he talks to his mom about the two of you are in relationship. Well, he's your ex-boyfriend and he wants to be, well, the question is here, KK, what do you want? You know what, instead of focusing ladies, I gotta help you understand this when you're asking me questions. Why are you so focused on what the guy is doing? Tell me what you're doing. What do you want, KK? Now, I understand it's annoying. So what do you wanna do about it? What are you willing to do about it? Why don't you look inward and say, what do I wanna do? What am I willing to do? Again, my book, speak your chapter one right here. What's that say? Speak your truth, do it with kindness. Speak your truth, do it with kindness. That's what you do. Okay. Beth writes, in order to live life forward, you have to understand it backwards, thoughts on this. In order to live your life forward, you have to understand backwards. You know what? How about just being present to what's happening right in the moment and stop thinking about forward and stop thinking about the past and just be present? Ladies, do you know that story I shared with you earlier? When she was all up in her head, it was chaos to her. And that's because, by the way, I don't have the book, it's called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Learn to live in the present. Now, if you need help with that and you're stuck in the past, go to a good therapist to heal your past. Do the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process to heal your past. Because when you're stuck in the past, you're never gonna go forward. There's a different, it's not about understanding it backwards, it's about healing the past. And, oh, I'm burping. And that's my invitation for you. Amela writes, a lot of them out there, clinical issues. Cherry writes, a 25 year married, he walked out without a thought. I was devastated. After self-discovery, learned my best friend, learned he was my best friend, but I wasn't his. That won't happen to me again. I've taken what you've learned from me. Thank you so much, Cherry. Okay, Jonathan, thank you all for what you do to help people. Would you please do a video about online dating scammers? Thank you for live chat. You know what, Mike? I don't do videos on online dating because I don't get that many views on it. I don't know why. You know what, there's a gazillion views on online dating. Here's the thing about scammers. Do you wanna avoid a scammer really fast, ladies? Hey, by the way, I've got a phone date later tonight. I'm really excited. But do you wanna avoid scammers real quick? Text, two or three text messages, get on the telephone and do a FaceTime. That's how you avoid scammers. It all within two weeks, you should be going from text messages, telephone to a FaceTime in less than two weeks. That's the timeline. Two weeks, no more. Get on the phone, get on a FaceTime, and then meet in person. Try to do that all within three weeks. If you wanna improve your online dating skills, meet rather quickly. Stop spending this incessant time talking on the phone, talking or talking on texting, texting, texting. If you wanna avoid scammers, get on the telephone and then get on FaceTime to verify his picture because it might be my picture you're talking to and it might be some Nigerian scam artists. If this resonates with you, hit that like button please. Coco writes, definitely agree, most people have issues. Oh God, where did that go? Coco, definitely agree. Most people have issues. No wonder why people are struggling to find relationships. Yes, the vast majority of people have issues. Most people are good human beings. They're just bad at the process. That doesn't make them bad people. They're just bad at the process. R writes, that's real talk. That's why it's better to focus on self but not from an egotistical point of view. Yes, definitely check out this book. Self-compassion, self-compassion. When we have compassion for ourselves, everything else will work out. By the way, most of you don't understand this diagram. Let me show you this diagram. By the way, excuse my crappy spelling. Parent, adult, child. Most humans date in this category. When someone is a child, that means someone has to be a parent. What you're looking for is adults. And sadly, very few people fit the adult category. This is why I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity by helping you with your own emotional maturity. And ladies, listen, I'm out there dating. Most women are just as bad as men. It's just a different form of bad. So it's not singular to men. Hey, by the way, look who joined us. Salty joined us. By the way, for those who know, Connor's nickname is Salty. So I got my little stuffed animal Salty and he joined. Oh, I didn't do trivia questions today. I can't believe I Jonesed. Oh, wait a minute. Here's my trivia. Let's do a trivia question right now. Movie quiz trivia. That's a real tough one. Well, nobody would know the answer to that one. Nobody would know the answer to that one. Oh, okay. Here's a dirty dancing question. What is Jennifer Graham's, Jennifer Gray's character? What is Jennifer Gray's character carrying when she first speaks to Johnny in dirty dancing? What is Jennifer Gray's character carrying when she first meets Johnny? That's a real tough one. I don't think anyone will get that one. I'll be shocked if someone gets that trivia question. All right. All right, let's take on a few more questions before we wrap up today. What do you say to him when he comes back? Do I ask why he was distant himself for so long? I don't know the follow-up point to that. All right, so ladies, we've gotta define what is. Is there, there's a difference between pulling away and ending a relationship versus just a little bit of space. We all need a minute, if, hey, listen, 48 hours to 72 hours, everybody is entitled to 48 to 72 hours of no contact with their boyfriend and girlfriend. And what I mean to say is we all need space. This incessant expectation. I need you to call me. I need you to text me. I need you to call me. I need you to text me. So I know it's okay. So I know it's okay. So I know it's okay. This incessant communication is part of the problem. Do you know, people used to go days without talking to one another. And they got, in my parents' generation, they went weeks and months without seeing each other. And they did just fine. Here's the deal. 72 hours, then you can get on the horn, go, hey, what's going on? What's, you know, what's going on in your life? Tell me, you can talk to me. Just like that client shared the story in the beginning, just talk to him and express what's coming up from you, not from a place of expectation, I'm spitting, but from a place of curiosity. Let me repeat that, not from a place of expectation, a place of curiosity. All right. We got time for a few more questions. Yanos writes, I'm a transgender woman 29 years old and date mostly middle-aged guys in their 40s, but I believe they've got their shit together. But why is it that men at this age act like they're kids and aren't mature enough? Most, again, most of the time, people have childhood wounds and traumas that they happen to dress. This is why I highly recommend getting the book called Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks. This helps you understand why people make such bad choices in relationship. And when you understand how you might make choices and how others make choices, you can predict their behavior and when you can predict behavior, you can make better choices. Check out that book, Yanos. I highly recommend it. Along with getting my book, what the heck is soft love anyway? There's the back cover. All right, lady, stop being thirsty. You are the prize. Everybody is a prize, boo. Man or woman alike, I'm a prize, you're a prize. But not from a place of being up on a pedestal or special than anyone else. I wanna say we are all prizes. We are all prizes. The minute we act like we're better or special than someone else, we are already setting ourselves up for failure. This is why, again, read the book if the boo to date it. Because this is all about dating from a heart-centered spiritual place because there is, when you're in your sovereignty, when you're in your self-love, you don't have to think of yourself better than anyone else. And that's what the danger of the language of prize is. I know you didn't mean it that way, boo, but I want everyone to be careful of this idea I'm the prize. We are all, I certainly invite you all to ask yourself what makes you a catch, what makes you a great to be in relationship. But be careful putting ourselves up on a pedestal because we can set ourselves up for failure too. The burping is very sexy, thank you. Someone said, good luck on your phone date later, thank you. I love your book, thank you. Can you talk a little bit about choosing love over ego? Wow, so that's a, look it, you gotta get this book returned to love. That book, this book or this audio will help you understand that so much better. She is brilliant at helping you understand how the ego, the ego mind, the self-centered mind can ruin our lives. And this is why I highly recommend, okay, this book, you gotta get the, everybody promise me right now, if you're watching this, you'll get this book. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This helps you talk to the voices in your head and to understand how your ego, your unhealthy ego is killing your love life. And I want you to all get this. This is my Bible, this is the book I read over and over. Back to the woman I'm talking to later tonight, love my book selection, and I'm sure she has this book. And yes, lovely one, it is a watermelon, you are correct. Lovely one, okay. Coco writes, there's a lot of pressure or expectation on how often you should text and call a romantic interest. Yeah, so let's stop all this pressure and say, you know what, we don't need incessant communication. What we need is social activities, hobbies and mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, my hair is poofy, spending time with family and friends. We need that more than telephone calls. And if you're not doing that, either do it or choose a relationship you can do those things. All right, I've made so many notes in your book, Jonathan. I think I'll need to get a new copy. Thank you, Joy, lovely space allows them, space allows them to think and miss you. I've had one guy that ignored me in most, wait, space allows them to think and miss you. I have one guy that I ignored and most and he's the most consistent. So that's reverse psychology bullshit. And it'll work short-term. Ladies, a man doesn't value you because he misses you. That's not how missing does not create a healthy relationship. All that does is trigger our childhood wound of abandonment went with our parents, okay? It's a temporary fix. Yes, it's a temporary reverse psychology bullshit. I'm here to say it might temporarily work for you. Ultimately, a man won't love you unless he appreciates you. Missing you is not how we love you. It's appreciating you is how we love you. So you've got to ask yourself, does this person appreciate me? And if you have to pull away to get him to appreciate, to miss you, to come after you, it'll be a problematic relationship, trust me. I say that with a 98% certainty. Maybe you're in the 2% category, but I don't like that. I like a more heart-centered way of talking to one another in a healthy, happy way than having to play the lean-back bullshit narrative. And that's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. All right, Divinity writes, I just cut him off Sunday, told him I'm through with love, bombing, future faking, trans, triangulations, and bread coming. He's 73 years old. I'm 65. He has ghosted several times. I can't do it again. Good for you for cutting him off. Four agreements book helped me a lot. I think you mentioned it also already just my two cents. Yes, the four agreements, this book, these books, all these books, but the four agreements, definitely get them. Be impeccable with your words. Don't make assumptions. Don't let others' opinions bother you and always do your best. This is good stuff. Ah, wow. Hey, this was an impromptu live. I just love doing this. Quite frankly, I'm kind of bored these days because I'm hoping the world opens up soon so I can go out and hang out with my friends. In the meantime, I'm gonna hang out with you all. Like I did tonight, I am so grateful. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for all your love and support. You guys are wonderful, especially how many of you have honored me by sharing how much you appreciate me sharing about my son, Connor. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for following my work. I hope it's making a difference. If it has, hit that like button. If you'd like to join my group, check out the link to my group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is actually where you can have direct access to me on a daily basis through a private Facebook group and a portal through my website. All right, listen. I'm gonna take a sip of cocktail. I hope you had fun tonight. I had a blast being with you all tonight. I wanna thank you from my bottom of my heart and I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big gigantic shot and bear a hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a stuffed animal or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Thanks, bye-bye, bye-bye. Bye, salty says bye. Thanks.