 So I was in my mid 20s and this guy that I was really feeling invited me over because he had a free space to himself that weekend. Now we had had sex before in the past, but we had lost touch for a bit. So this was like a rekindling. That means there was a lot of built up sexual frustration between us and I was excited to let off some steam. So I go over there and the mood is set. So it doesn't take long before things start popping off and clothes start coming off. It's clear really early on that his erection isn't going up. Now we continue on with just the caressing and the touching and the rubbing. But again, the erection is not joining the party. So he starts to become mindful of this and then starts to ask me to do certain things to try to wake the erection up. And no matter what I try, it wasn't working. No matter what he tried, it wasn't working. And although we still engaged in other sexual activities, it did feel very awkward to me. And I would love to say that I didn't say anything to make him feel uncomfortable. But I do know that when the experience ended, I went back to my car and just sat there for a long time and was like, wow, like that was weird, which makes me feel like I probably did bring wow that was weird energy into the room. So I can't remember a specific time that I've had an experience where a partner had not been able to get an erection. And I don't know whether that's just because it's not left a lasting impression on me. It definitely happened. Do I remember specifics? No. But maybe that's a good thing. Hey there, lovers and friends, question for all of you who have sex with people who have penises. What would you say or do if your partner couldn't get or maintain an erection while you were in the heat of the moment? Now I think it is so important for us to reflect on this and have more discussions around erectile dysfunction period. And that is why I was so proud to partner with Eve Adam who conducted a survey about erectile dysfunction from the perspective of the people who have sex with people who have penises. Because yes, we are also a part of the experience and we can be a part of a better solution and more responsible dialogues going forward. So in this video, I want to compare the difference between how Americans respond to ED versus how those in the UK respond to ED. And now you can't have a video about the UK sexual experience without bringing in an expert. And I happen to have an incredible one. Hey everybody, I'm Hannah Whitton. I am a sex educator, YouTuber, podcaster and just all around sex nerd. Eve Adam is a digital wellness company in an online pharmacy, which means that you don't have to leave your house or wait for doctor's appointments. You can get your prescriptions delivered directly to you. Prescriptions such as contraception or erectile dysfunction treatments. And again, Eve Adam conducted this survey about erectile dysfunction. Myself and Hannah both promoted it and now we're going to be analyzing America versus how those in the UK respond to ED. Let's go. Question one. Do you feel like you handled it well? What did you say? Brits were more likely to say it's okay than the US respondents. That actually kind of feels indicative of what you just said in your experience in that there was this notion that this is okay, whereas I felt in my experience like, oh my gosh, just mean this is the end of the relationship. So a lack of dramatization I think is happening across the pond. Perhaps. Perhaps. We do like to be a bit more pessimistic over here. So I guess it's like, hey, it happens. Sometimes dicks are soft. Sometimes dicks are soft. I like a soft dick. Blasts and penises are so much fun to play with. And if you're performing oral, it's the only time that you can get all the way to the base. Right. And it's a nice accomplishment. It doesn't really feel like an accomplishment though. It does for me. I lie to myself. Okay, yeah. Look at you taking everything. A lot of the stuff that came up in the survey, you can like bring back to having a look at what sex education in the countries alike as well. In general, we could probably say it's worse in the US because a lot of states also still have abstinence only sex education. I wonder too about the differences in porn because a lot of porn that is produced in America is exaggerated. It's like really big sounds, really big bursts of fluid, like it's a lot. Do you think that there's a lot of similarities when it comes to porn that the UK produces versus America? I honestly don't know because I feel like when I've watched porn, I've not really paid attention to where it's being produced to be able to differentiate. I mean, the accent's usually a giveaway. I feel like that's usually the one that I'm like, you know what, this one wasn't made in America. I'm trying to remember accents now, but that's not necessarily what I was paying attention to. But I do tend to think that Brits are a bit more like, hmm. Is that what orgasming is like? I mean sometimes, sometimes, Peter, you have good ones and you have bad ones. It's fascinating though from the porn perspective because that's the thing that I learned in school is that a lot of the times if you want to understand a country's attitudes about sex, you have to look at the porn that's being produced there and highly consumed. And so they were saying that in some countries, it's the people that you see at the grocery store who are in the porn films and somebody who, for lack of a better term, looks like your aunt or uncle, meaning they're just average everyday people and they say that in America because there's so much shame around sexuality, they want the people who are in porn to be as far as possible away from who they know and how they even look because if they look like someone like them, that would be reminiscent of like, this is a bad thing that they shouldn't be doing this because I shouldn't be doing this. But as long as it's somebody who looks like they're from a completely different planet, the disassociation's a lot easier. That's so interesting. Like, it being relatable is actually a bad thing. Yeah. Because it reminds you of yourself and if you had to think about your own sexuality, then shame and repression and guilt come up. Yeah. That's really interesting. For me, I want to see myself in porn, not literally, but I would like to see bodies like mine. I'd like to see people who kind of like, I can identify with in some way. I kind of wonder if that notion that during a moment of sexual dysfunction, somebody who is in America would be more likely to look at this like, oh my gosh, just mean something big. And somebody in the UK might look at this like, oh, it's okay, this is just a part of what happens when bodies get together. Nearly three times as many Brits said, don't worry slash don't be embarrassed. I thought that was really fascinating. Nearly three times as many Brits were able to give compassion. So in the video that we did on your channel, we talked about the Cox acronym and the first letter of that was compassion. Compassion. Just being able to look at the person and say, you know what, this moment isn't about me, it's about you and I want to make sure that you feel comfortable because it's your body right now that's being impacted. I like to think that this is because British people tend to be very embarrassed by things like sex. And so actually what this survey shows is a whole bunch of British people who are working on that. I also think that the being embarrassed yourself allows you to be more empathetic to other people's embarrassment. Secondhand embarrassment. Yeah, where you're like, you know what, I would totally know how this would feel like if this was on the other side. I can envision myself in your shoes and so don't worry about it, don't stress. Trust me, this is my worst nightmare too, but we're in this together. Yeah, and I feel like when you're in a situation that is potentially embarrassing, you've got the person who is like, it's happening to who is feeling that embarrassment and it can be really easy as the bystander to that, to feel that secondhand embarrassment and we always laugh at embarrassing situations as the person who's the onlooker because it makes us cringe in some circumstances. But being able to, like you said, step into that moment with the other person and instead of just staying as a bystander, being like, you know what, I'm in this with you and this is something that is happening together. That's a really, because you talked about that, how humor is so important to you in the bedroom and the difference between sympathy and empathy is sympathy is standing on the outside and saying, that must suck. Empathy is crawling into it with somebody and being like, we're in this together. How does this feel? So that in essence is a difference between laughing at someone and laughing with someone. Two times as many Brits said, let's cuddle instead. That kind of response right there, I think, might actually be indicative of why maybe that isn't the best response. Oh, because it feels patronizing. Yeah, it feels like, oh, yeah, I think that we want, ah, we don't want. Yeah, I mean, I was arming the cuddle, not the flaccid penis. But yeah, I know the cuddle is the, it is. But that's true, actually, because obviously, like, when you're in like a sexual situation, you want to feel like super desirable. Like you're an adult, you know, like you are. Like having a sexual situation and then you don't want someone to kind of be like, oh, cute. Unless, of course, like you kind of like have the conversation, you maybe try and slow things down and things still aren't happening. And you just kind of go, let's just like caress each other. I also think the word caress is a much better than cuddle. Even though it's the exact same act, if you said like, let's massage each other, let's caress each other. I think caress, let's caress. Oh, I like that. I like that. Brits were more likely to say, let's work it out together. So in the face of erectile dysfunction, even though usually it's one body that is not able to get erect, both people took responsibility and onus of it as a couple and as a unit. I love that. And I think that is kind of what you were saying about curiosity as well of the person who it's not physically happening to just still being like, okay, right, cool. I'm here as well. Like, what can we do? Like, what's the situation? Like, let's take stock and make a plan. Although that's my approach to it, probably be very like, okay, let's project to manage this. Do you know what? Of all these responses, I mean, I don't have a penis, so maybe my opinion isn't that important in this area. But as an expert, I can say that I think that that is the best response of all the responses. Yeah. There's something about that that is cooperative. It also takes responsibility of both people. So there's no blame happening. There's no poor you. It genuinely is like, we're in this together. What can we do? So that changes it from being something that someone has to feel lower or lesser than to like, we're back on the exact same equal playing field. And I want us to rise together as a unit. Yeah. Rise. It makes that person feel less alone in that moment as well. And I like the rising together as a unit because I'm so big on whether it's a sexual relationship or a romantic relationship, very much seeing yourselves as a team and you're working towards like many different shared goals together. They could be like different sexual goals. They could be different, like life stage goals, but like treating whoever is like in that partnership as like a fellow team member and you do your work, they do their work and you like come together. I love it. The other question I thought was really fascinating is, did you say anything to make the situation worse? More Americans definitely said, no, I didn't. I did everything perfectly right. Oh, cool. Good for them. No one should answer definitive no, because you can't possibly know that, even if the person said like feedback from them afterwards, being like, did I handle that well? You know, but then how likely that person to be honest, right, to say, say, I think because that situation is so personal. And again, we talked about this on your video, how there's been so much societal conditioning for the person who is experiencing right side of this function to feel embarrassed, to feel ashamed, to feel less than, to feel like they aren't a good lover because they can't get an erection. So you can't really empathize unless, of course, your two penises having sex together. But if you are a person with a vulva, having sex with somebody with a penis, it's likely that you didn't say the exact perfect thing. So I don't think I would even be this confident to say like, yeah, I did everything perfectly right. What do you think would be, let's just like put yourself in that, in that shoes today. So if you were dating, it's the first time you're having sex with somebody and they can't get an erection, what do you do? Probably would go into sex educator mode. Like, I think that would just be like my default. I would be like, it's fine because did you know that arousal and genital response are not the same thing? I would probably just be a know it all Hermione in that situation, which might help to like rationalize the situation, but not necessarily help in terms of emotional support for the situation. Did you say anything to make the situation worse? Now, more Americans answered with a definite no and 2.5 times as many British people weren't certain that they said the right thing and also said, I don't think that I did. I think it's also really good to acknowledge that you don't know if you did something right or did something wrong. I think there's a lot of pressure for us to like know the answers in terms of like, you know, like the impact of our behavior. But sometimes we're like, I don't know, was that good? Was that bad? I've no idea. 100% when I reflect back on the experience that I had with this, I have no idea if I did something right. I'm actually more certain I did the wrong thing because I often say this to people that we try to tote ourselves as being great actors. Like, oh, I didn't say anything in the moment, but I definitely felt awkward, but it's like that awkwardness was written all over your body, all over your face, and it colored everything that you said, whether or not you actually said those words or not. And so I do know that after that experience happened, I went to my car and I just sat there for a long time being like, that was weird. So I probably did have this is weird energy while in the room. More Brits asked their partner if they weren't attracted to them. Now, this one I wonder about because I again, I did a project on erectile dysfunction a couple years ago and it said that 75% of women in particular who had sex with people with penises did wonder if erectile dysfunction was a signifier that their partner did not find them physically attractive anymore. I think maybe the day after saying get out loud, if it's still kind of nagging on you and you still feel like it is something that you need to say or need reassurance on, but in the moment, I think saying something like, oh, do you not find me attractive could potentially make the situation worse. And the person who's experiencing ED feel worse. And that's actually something that Jared and I had a conversation about after I gave birth that he had to reorganize his thoughts around wetness being indicative of arousal because even though he's aware of that and he understands that messaging, so many years of it being associated with like, oh, they're so turned on if they're super wet and it really is difficult to unpair yourself from that kind of thinking. And it sucks that we're giving this messaging because it often leads us to not trusting our own bodies and feeling like really disconnected and just being like, wait, why is my body doing this or why is my body not doing this? Because we think that there's like something wrong with us when actually our bodies are just performing normal like normal bodies, the way that lots of bodies like work and it's fine. And if you're in a relationship and you haven't experienced like neither person in the relationship has experienced ED, it might be a good opportunity now like after watching these videos that we've made to kind of say to your partner like, hey, if this were to ever happen to us, how would you want me to react? I think that's so, so, so clutch. I think a big part of why I do what I do for a living is I found that through my teens, I was just reacting as things were put in front of me. And then without the benefit of knowledge or mentorship, I would have to make these really big decisions without ever having thought about them before. So with my book Laid, The Whole Purpose and often you feel like you have to and often you feel like you have to like respond immediately in that moment. And there's like so much pressure to do that. Oh, I mean, sometimes you do, right? Like sometimes it's a yes or no in that moment, right? If somebody is trying to get you to engage in activity or something happens, like you do have to, we don't have the benefit of being like freeze time, right? Like our no response is still a response. So the benefit of talking about things in advance, watching videos of things you haven't done before, which is why I loved that Eve Adam was like, if you've never experienced ED, still did a survey. You're still going to get value out of it and we'll still get value out of your responses. All right. So lastly, we have got a video coming out on your channel where we talk about Cox. Oh, yeah. Um, basically I wanted to give some advice around dealing with ED in a relationship. Um, and to do that, I decided to come up with an anachronym Cox, which stands for compassion, orgasm, communication, knowledge and slow. And it's very silly, but I think, um, the messaging behind it is useful. And if you want some of that usefulness in your life and you want to join and continue a conversation with Hannah and myself, you got to go over to Hannah's channel. Thank you so much, Sean, for having me on your channel and talking about erections. Shout out to Hannah and Eve Adam for helping me put together this video. Once again, Eve Adam is a digital wellness company in an online pharmacy where you can get prescription items such as contraception and erectile dysfunction treatments delivered directly to your home. Now, if you use my promo code US pull 10, you can get 10% off. Go down to the info box for links there. Also in the info box is where you will find the links you can travel over to Hannah's channel and watch our collaboration video all about Cox. One more ask for you while you're going in this direction, go a little bit more south, hit the comment section and let me know, how have you responded to somebody who had erectile dysfunction in the past or how do you think people should respond to a partner who is experiencing erectile dysfunction?