 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ken Carpenter speaking from Washington, D.C. Last Thursday, the Halls of Ivy was presented with the Peabody Award for the most outstanding dramatic achievement in radio. And we are indeed grateful to all of you for the loyal support which has made this a possibility. Ladies and gentlemen, the Halls of Ivy. Good evening. This is Ronald Coleman. May I add my word of thanks to the George Foster Peabody Committee for this coveted award. Tonight, we are repeating a program which you may have heard a few weeks ago. This is in response to an unprecedented demand for this particular script. And it is also a request of the Chamber of Commerce of the United States, before whom we have the honor of appearing tonight at Washington, D.C. And now, may I invite you to join Mrs. Coleman and me for the next half hour when our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitzbier, presents the Halls of Ivy. My good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the country. Ask for Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. It has to be fine to be first. The Halls of Ivy. The Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy, USA. Like millions of other citizens, the President of Ivy, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, scans each morning paper for some little ray of hope that the world may be tottering on the brink of sanity. As he says to his wife, Victoria, former reigning beauty of the London stage. Ah, a lot of perspective. That's what it is. Good. I'm glad that settles. You're glad? You know, whatever it was you were talking about. You sounded tied up in little bow knots and ragged threads clipped off ready for shipment. Well, I really didn't mean it to sound like that. Conclusive is something I try very hard not to be. It's too easy to wake up searching for a hair of the dogma that bit you or that you bit somebody else with. Yes. Well, when you get around to it, dear, I know you will tell me what you've been talking about. I'm not one of the brain-picking females who won't let you have a private opinion of your own. But, um, are we getting anywhere with this conversation? A conversation needn't necessarily go anywhere. Now, it's merely one of the pleasant civilized customs which differentiate us from the lower vertebrates. Well, I thought all animals communicated with each other upper and lower. Oh. Communication is not per se conversation. A disjointed earthworm, they say, is able to establish communication between his two halves. But I doubt if the communion would be studied with quotations from Confucius or Bennett's surf. I give up. What's with the perspective? What's with the perspective? Now, that, my darling, is one of the current locations which I really abominate. What's with you, Charlie? Make with a joke, Bert. What's with the perspective, William? Oh, this sounds dreadful. But what does make with the perspective? Yeah, well, I... I'll have to backtrack a little so I can remember what I... Oh, yes, yes, I remember. In reading the paper, I rather came to the conclusion that the parlor state of the world at this moment is due in a measure to a lot of perspectives. I bet you have a pretty profound thought there, doctor. Break it down to your child's bride. I'll try. In the present chaotic state of world affairs, it seems to me that if man could step back from himself and take a good look at his own idiocy, he would doubt his senses. There was a time when an artist who'd be worthy of the title had to be a consummate draftman, thoroughly grounded in composition, line, mass, color, and perspective. It's perhaps symptomatic of our times that in the art of today's perspective, which gives a sense of relative placement, has been relegated to the... has been relegated to the... isn't that annoying, just when I was about to make a very significant and penetrating observation. Well, maybe I've just been saved from saying something quite silly. Excuse me, darling. Hello, Dr. Hall speaking. Police station, Dr. Hall. Chief, sir. Good morning, chief. Now, who's done what to whom and how much do I need to get him or her out of whatever it is? No case of hoodlumism, doctor. Disturbing the peace, willful damage to the... I suppose it concerns me in some way or you wouldn't be calling. Couple of years, children's doctor. It's Francis Clayton Dorsey. I'm holding him on an open charge, pending your advice, which is usually pretty sound. Thank you, but, sir, if there's nothing really vicious or felonious against him, can't you release them in my custody without my coming down there? Sure. A little irregular, but you should have these two lemon heads over to your office, don't you? No, you better send them to my house instead. I'd rather keep it on a personal and non-official basis, if I can. Thanks for calling, chief. Jack, Doc, I'm always glad to work with you. You're the best cop on my floor. And you never pull your power car into... Goodbye, chief. You were about to ask, I believe, what's with Chief Benson? But, you know, sir, I was going to face it a little more carefully, dear. I was going to say, well, it appears the two of our young men, Clayton and Dorsey, by name, have been picked up for malicious mischief. General Hoodlamism, another misdemeanour. Dorsey and Clayton? I thought that's Poxy Clayton, the crack captain. And Dorsey must be the young man who plays such a wicked trumpet in the junior folly, that's Riff Dorsey. Well, I wonder what got into those two boys. They're not Hoodlums? They've evidently given a very workman-like imitation of it, then. You know, there's been altogether too many instances of this sort lately. A lack of restraint. Oh, but, Herrmann, can that be them already? Oh, I doubt it. They're not that anxious to confront me. Now, I'll see. Morning, Bill. Oh, good morning, Tom. Come in. Come in. Thank you. You don't brighten our threshold often enough. I know you're busy, but must you wait until you have troubles to come and see us? How do you know I bring troubles? Oh, because you dressed in such haste this morning that your left shoestring is untied. Huh? It's incompatible with your usual sartorial dignity. Vicki, put on your most pious expression. We have an ecclesiastical guest. Oh, Mr. Asimov. Oh, hello, Gatlin. Good morning, Mrs. Owl. And you don't have to look pious on my account. You're not enough of a hypocrite to get away with it. The Reverend Dr. Mansfield brings me trouble, Victoria, as usual, troublesome type of guest. Well, this isn't a soul-shattering burden I bring you, Bill, but it's symptomatic, I'm afraid, of a bad and worsening condition. Worsening? Is this a true word? Oh, yes, yes. It's legitimate. Especially now, having had the baptismal blessing of the church. Well, what's the deserving condition, Tom? And sit down, man, sit down. I guess I'd better at least long enough the time I choose. Uh, been hearing anything about some of our boys roughing up the town, Bill? Yes, a couple of reports last week, which I dismissed as isolated, coincidental, and unimportant. After all, you can't have as many muscular and restless young men gathered in one place as we have without the safety valve kissing a little. And then this morning? Yes, this morning, Police Chief Benson called. It seems that a couple of our boys have passed the safety valve stage and are threatening the main boilers. Serious hoodlumism. Exactly. It's more or less in my province as the theoretical spiritual advisor of the students. But it spills over into your territory, too. After all, you're the head of the tongue. I'm just a hatchet man with a prayer book. At least when you throw the book at them, Captain, it's the right book. Yes, yes. It wouldn't hurt if the book of Common Prayer were a little more common. Glad to hear you say so, Bill. I never considered you a very religious man. Oh, then you'd better reconsider, Captain. A religious man is an ambiguous term, Tom. If you mean am I religious in the matter of strict church attendance, in the regular observance of form and ritual, of partiality to a nominal group, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Well, that's what I mean. However, if you mean am I religious in the larger sense of being reverently aware that love and honor and truth and beauty could not have created themselves, well, then you'll find no more desperation than myself. How'd you like to swap jobs? You're a better preacher than I am. Well, you can't do it, Captain. On account of the collar buttoning in the back, and I gave him some lovely necktie for Christmas. That seems to nip that monstrous vocational exchange in the back. But what about the problem, Tom? You have a suggestion? I'm going to take it up in chapel. Not once and dismiss it. I'm going to hammer at it a little. I think it's serious. And I think you might address the next student assembly on the same topic. I shall certainly consider it. Chief Benson is sending me his two amateur gangsters, and after I talk to them, I'll have a better idea of what the problem is. Oh, that's simple enough. It's the war, the draft, the uncertain status of some of these boys, books or bullets, or propellers. Some of them have a rather understandable, if regrettable, feeling that the carpet is being yanked out from under them, and they might as well have a fling while they're falling. Yeah. Yeah, that's my diagnosis, too. We got a theorem for it? How about a truth theorem? Oh, there are so many truths, Mrs. Hall, and so many flat answers masquerading as truth. What do you think, Bill? I really don't know, Chaplain. I'd like to have a wise answer at hand, but this problem is so basic that neither you nor I must rush into the trap of lip and shallow assurance. But being basic, I think it comes down to a matter of character. To quote Abram Lincoln, character is like a tree, and refutation is a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it. A tree is the real thing. And do you think these boys have been looking for bird nests in the wrong tree? No, not necessarily. No, but I think they might be backing up the wrong shadow. Here on your mind, your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. The other day, the Schlitz people received a letter in which the writer said he'd heard on the radio that Schlitz produces 5 million bottles and cans of beer per day. He seemed to think that this was an unbelievable amount of beer to put out in one day and wondered if his ears were playing tricks on him. They weren't. While the production of Schlitz varies from day to day, the average is well over 5 million cans and bottles of beer daily. Now, this is a record even for Schlitz, the largest selling beer in America. However, the fact of leadership is not nearly so important as the reason behind it. The reason Schlitz is first in sales is because it tastes so good to so many people. We think you like Schlitz best, too. It has to be fine to be first. As we return to the halls of Ivy, Dr. Hall is still awaiting the arrival of the two students charged with the serving peace. Chapman Mansfield is just left, and Mrs. Hall says... It's an old bromide, I know, but if he took off that round collar and black shirt, he'd never know he was a clergyman. Oh, I don't know, darling. I think you would. I would? I would, at least. Even without his professional attire, he'd have the calm authority of a really good man. It's an heir. Not so much of superiority over his fellows as the... well, the attitude of a well-briefed defense attorney pleading the case of human frailty at the bar of heaven. Well, there's just like expression of sadness which accompanies it. Probably from having lost to many cases. Oh, men, men like that count in no case really lost. They always try one more appeal. Chapman Mansfield, for instance. Hello, Dr. Hall's residence. Yes, so. The University of Chicago, very well. It's probably Mitt Matthews. Somebody's offering you a job, Todd. He don't take it. I like it here. Happiness, no objects. What's happiness? Can it buy money? Well, the best of it. Hello, yes. Yes, this is Bill Hall. Who? Who? Oh, hello, Mittie. Nice to hear from you. Ready. I've been ready since the 23rd of December. All right, here you are. King's night to the bishops. Hey, nasty shock, wasn't it, old man? Well, just keep telling yourself that it's only a game and someone has to lose. Yes, nice to hear from you, Mittie, finally. And call me again any time. Any time of the pawn or knight. Yes. Goodbye. Mittie? Yes, Mittie M. Matthews of the University of Chicago. He just published a monumental dictionary of Americanism. It's no wonder that he hasn't had time to play chess by telephone. Your conversation, I gather, you'll have him beaten. Oh, on the contrary, my dear, I don't think I have an oriental opportunity. Translation, Chinaman's charm. Yes. You see, Mittie is the... Oh! What's the matter? I forgot to tell you, we're having another visitor besides the two young hoodlums. Oh, shall I bake a cake or just part of my nose? Who is it? It's Champ Waterford. Oh, not the big automobile dealer. Yes. I want Waterford here by chance when the boys arrive. The things that happen by chance around here. Oh, that'll be Waterford, I expect. I'll let him in. Hello, Champ. Hello, Dr. Hall. Come in. Well, how are you, Doctor? And what's this all about? I gather it's some kind of an emergency. Oh, just a minor one, and thank you for responding so promptly. I don't think you've been my wife. Have you, Victoria, Champ Waterford? Hello, Mr. Waterford. I'll be honest. Our left-rear path has one foot in the re-trail department. Well, I don't think I'm here on a car deal, Mrs. Hall, but if I am, your honesty gets you a small discount. I run into honesty so seldom that I lose all my business sense. We should, as the saying goes, achieve such longevity. Yeah. Live so long, yeah. And please sit down, Champs. This is not a car deal, so you won't have to run screaming out of the door when you see ours. Well, I have seen yours, and I'll make you fine offer any day you say. It'll be a pleasure to do business on a non-larceny basis. To whom's larceny are you referring? It doesn't sound quite right, Judge. To whom's larceny, no. Whom's larceny are you referring to? The larceny of whom? Whom's larceny are you referring to? The larceny of whom? To whom's larceny? Yes. Are you referring? Well, my customers, naturally. The only time I'm gilly of chiseling is when some sweet old lady who swears she only used her 900,000 mile Essex to go down to the corner and mail letters tries to sell me a car with molasses and ground cork and a transmission, old rags and the casings and a radiator plugged with six packages of bubblegum. I suppose people do consider an automobile dealer as a lawful prey, a legitimate victim. Dr. You'd be surprised. People who'd walk back ten blocks in a blizzard to give a newsboy the proper change. That wouldn't cop a two-bit ashtray from an $80 a day hotel suite. Those same people will look an automobile dealer square in the eye and tell the most horrible lies they've ever made in. There ought to be a sign over the door of every auto agency, abandoned truth or ye who enter here. Yeah, and you'd be surprised that the ye who's we do get in here. But hey, I'm talking too much. Well, champ, this is not an automobile deal. What is it? Mr. Wardford and I, neither of us seems to know. It was not my intention to maintain a dramatic silence of all on page 265. No, I was just waiting for the conversation to die down. With a considerate lying here with rigor mortis taking in. Very well. I guess you know all about champ Wardford here, Vicky. Well, certainly. You can't pick up a newspaper around here without seeing his slogans. See, champ Wardford, the dealer that lets you shuffle the deck. Don't be a champ, see the champ. Champ Wardford, everybody's motor in law. Oh, now wait, that's enough. I never thought it was as corny as you're making it sound. Well, his corn can make you two million dollars. That must be the grain I've been going against. Well, Vicky, Vicky, my sweet, I wasn't asking if you'd heard of champ in his more automotive aspects. He has other claims to say. Oh, yes, you must come up and see my trophies sometimes at the big, bad, bold roof. Now, don't be derisive, champ. The trophies to which you refer with that modest sneer are important and well-earned. Let's see, now, all Americans three times into collegiate boxing champion, still known among college swimmers as the flying fish, winner twice of the... I think I'm beginning to see a little glimmer of light. Yes, I'll get the boys in, William. Thank you, darling. Look, champ, yes. Here's a fast summary of the situation. Okay, doctor. Hello, boys. Hello, Mrs. Hall. Mr. Dorsey and Clayton, I believe. Yes, ma'am, I'm Dorsey, Mrs. Hall. Mr. Dorsey, well, you say the trumpet like an angel. And you're Potty Clayton. That's right. A very fast man in a track, Susan, and also in getting in trouble, has been... Well, come on, boys, come on. Considering your criminal records, I've locked up the silver and hidden away the egg money so you can just relax. Hello there. Come in. Hello, doctor. William, this is Potty Clayton of the class team. And the other gangster is Mr. Dorsey. And the other Gabriel would love to have. That boy, this is Mr. Champ Waterford. Oh, come on, Mr. Waterford. You mean the Champ Waterford? The guy that used to keep the engravers working Sundays, putting his name on gold cups. Yes. This is that Champ Waterford. What's an embouchure, Mrs. Hall? Well, it's a musical term, Mr. Waterford. Embouchure is the way a wind instrument player cockies up his lips. As they say around Union Hall, you've got no embouchure. You've got no nattin'. Well, I've got no embouchure to speak of, but I'd like to play a short solo, gentlemen, that you may find full of discord. Let's not take this thing too lightly. You've been accused of some serious serious... I won't say crimes, but Mr. Meanins. Hoodlamism, I believe, is the word you. Are you guilty, as charged? Yes, sir. I'm afraid so, sir. We came out of a bull session last night, sir. Talking about this and that, the draft and everything, and nothing seemed to add up to very much for us right now. Well, I guess we sort of flipped our lids in town. I don't know. You get started on a chair like that, and you keep going. It seems pretty childish now. But it sure seemed a logical thing to do last night. We'll pay for the damage in the theater, doctor. Well, the actual damage, I understand, was negligible. $20 should cover that. But it's not the ice cream in the ticket shop or at the theater or the ripped-up seats I'm thinking of. It's whether or not the stains are removable. Personally, I don't think they go too deep. Stains, sir? What stains? On your own records. They seem good students. Sign athletes, campus heroes. You ripped off the musician extraordinary, excellence scholastically, popular personally, successful future assured. Uh-oh. That's the buzz. Yeah, hold the phone. What's all this? That assured future. That's what cried our onions in the bull session last night. What future? That was what pulled the trigger, sir. Here today drafted tomorrow. Studying medicine today back in three years with a tin arm. This is a future? Yeah, who can concentrate? It isn't that we're afraid to go in the army or anywhere else, but it's the uncertainty that gets us. That's the uncertainty. See, I don't mind fighting. I guess I proved that last night. I took on three cops. Yeah, I was doing all right. But when you don't know where you'll be tomorrow, sir... Hey, does this sound awfully silly to you, sir? It doesn't to me, Clayton. In fact, I can listen to you and hear myself back in 1918. You think you've got a complaint? You should have heard me right. Uncle Sam yanked his nephew right out of his senior year. You're Mr. Waterford? Now, what happened? Oh, they nailed me, Mrs. Hall. I was a famous athlete. So they made me a motorcycle messenger. Well, what happened after, Mr. Waterford? You go back to school? No, not right away. I worked for three years and then went back and took my degree. What did what, sir? Publishing house, French translation. Got interested in languages over in France and did a lot of boning up in hospitals. Well, you were wounded, too, Mr. Waterford. Oh, yes, I got the full treatment. Well, I've really got to be going, doctor, Mrs. Hall. Got to take my wife out dancing into dinner tonight for the bunch of the Chamber of Commerce boys. National restaurant week, you know. Sir, taking the family out to dine is a good old American custom. What you might call the red, white, and blue plate special. Boys? Yes, sir? I'm leaving you in wiser hands than mine, Dr. Hall. But think of this. You got into a battle with the authorities last night after some pretty loud criticism on the way things are running this country. As it occurred to you that there are places where if you take the government with a grain of salt, they let you dig it the rest of your short life, you're looking for real, real certainty. There's a real one. Good night, everybody. Don't get up, Mrs. Hall. Good night. Good night, champ. Good night, sir. So long. Good night. Is there a small hole in the floor around here that some mouse is not using? Dr. Hall, Champ Waterford. I noticed he limped. Where's that from? Oh, yes. Yes, his left leg is aluminum. He's taking his rise down thing tonight. I can see why he's always been a champ. Weird champ, too, with a little variation in the spelling. Dr. Hall, I... Well, Riff, and I, I'm sorry we caused so much trouble. I guess we looked a little more important to ourselves than we really are. Dr. Hall, would you like to give us each a few swift kicks before we go? No, no, Riff, no, no. The world will be my deputy in the pan-skicking department. You'll get plenty. And I'm glad Champ Waterford happened to be here tonight. Catching cold, Victoria? No, not cold. Just on. Well, as I was saying, gentlemen, Champ Waterford, by simply being what he is, says far better than I could, that it's hard to find certainty. If the world could but step back and look at its own idiotes, if it would... Where have I heard that phrase? From you at breakfast, dear. Oh, yes, dear. Well, anyway, gentlemen, to switch methods in the middle of a thought, space travel being so far undeveloped by humans, we are forced to live together on one small planet. More confining than that, we each have to live with ourselves. I think that's the main thing you'll have to remember, that when you live with yourself, you'll have a roommate in very crowded quarters. So, mind you, man. Fair that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of schlitz than any other beer. That's why schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Mr. Harry A. Bullis, Vice President of the Chamber of Commerce of the United States and Chairman of the Board of General Mills. Mr. Bullis. The cause of this 39th annual dinner audience here in the Mayflower Hotel is more eloquent than anything I might say. However, we would like Mr. and Mrs. Coleman, the stars, Mr. Don Quinn, the creator, and the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company, the sponsor of the Halls of Ivy, to take something of a permanent character with them. Something that we hope will encourage the continuance of the Constitution they are making to American life. The Chamber of Commerce has much in common with this program. We believe in developing all media of transmitting ideas between employees and employers, between businessmen and educators, farmers and all other segments of the society. We are working for a higher standard, a better system to tell the truth to more people. If we are to succeed in this effort, all of us must acquire a better understanding of the problems met by everybody in that field, be they members of a college faculty or the teacher in the one-room schoolhouse. So, we are so as appropriate on this occasion to present this citation which I shall now read to you. Because the Halls of Ivy is not only splendid entertainment, but also because it impacts to the American people a better understanding of the honorable proficient of teaching, and is this and is thus contributing to the culture welfare of the country, we of the Chamber of Commerce cite this program for murder. Mr. Mrs. Coleman and Mr. Quinn, would you please come forward and receive this citation? Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Mr. Boris. Thank you. For more gay times, here's a great gilder's leave on NBC.