 I kind of feel out of place here though. I could smell all the potent sperms that I've just left to dice. First of all, huge round of applause to everybody that has done everything. And go on. This is what you got after two days. And for engineers, right, you guys are surprisingly upbeat. I'll tell you what. Two things scare me off. Media and technology. So in my act today, I'm going to make sure that I keep this to the things that scare me off, media and technology. And I'm going to do it the lean start-up way. So I'm going to test my jokes on you guys. If it works, I'll probably get a show where I'll be paid, maybe. So, right. First of all, a shout out to everybody who survived Hurricane, Sandy and Cyclone Neelum. Really feels like an end of the world for me though. I mean, what fucks me up totally is the media, right? I mean, who comes up with these names anyway? Cyclone Neelum? I mean, you know what a better name for a cyclone is? Call it Sonia Gandhi. Just from a different country, lots of people are wealth and prosperity and nobody can do shit about it. It's just so weird, right? And the way media projects this starts comparing Cyclone Neelum with Hurricane Sandy. You guys know for a fact, comparing Cyclone Neelum with Hurricane Sandy is like comparing Jailalitha with Kim Kardashian. You know what I mean? It just doesn't fit the will, right? Yeah. I was watching this thing on news yesterday and these guys go about saying, oh, President Obama is really sad about Cyclone Neelum. Daa. I mean, what options has he got anyway? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Finally, Cyclone in my tenure. He didn't be doing that, right? Media totally screws up your happiness. I don't know if you guys watch Cricket. There was this Ranji Trophy match yesterday and apparently, well, it's actually kind of fun. Sachin scored a century. New Star Wars movie is going to be released in a while. Feels like 90s again. Anyway, so this thing, right? Sachin Tendulkar apparently called everybody to his home and cooked food for them and Archduke started making it as a huge news article. I don't even know if these guys have a context to make a news article, right? Say Tendulkar peed, another news article. Tendulkar pees every day. And people are like, oh, he does he pee? Yes, he pees in the V. Why so? Because his straight drive is always in the V. Yeah, there's this crew of your happiness big time. I don't have a problem with media or God or anything, particularly God, right? I'm okay with the concept of God. I think God for me is like Justin Bieber, right? No fancier, right? So I'm okay with the guy, right? The fan club that freaks me or big time. And people, I kind of keep thinking how it would be like if Jesus had technology back then, right? On the day of crucifixion, probably would have gotten up in the morning, did his daily thing, ate some cereal, he got a WhatsApp message. Yeah, bro, what up? Just finished cereal, what up with you? Thinking about crucifying you tonight. And Jesus would have been like, okay, bro, what time? 5 30, good. No, 5 30, I have to meet Monica Bellucci, Mary Magdalene, right? Sorry, you know, shit happens, right? Six o'clock good. Yeah, six o'clock good. We have been doing around Bangalore. No, no, no, that road has got lots of traffic. Let's just take the highway. Yeah, 6 30, we're done. I just don't get the head around it. And it's just not Jesus, Jesus. Think of Indian mythology, right? If there was technology back then, I, I know you could not think of Mahabharat happening. It probably would have been like bunch of guys sitting in front of computers playing comp, just like, I killed him, I killed him, I killed him, V1, V1, V1. And Draupadi cheered her and would have been like, SSH into Draupadi's computer, fast, fast, fast, somebody's SSH, repeat off, repeat off, why this man? It would have been so much fun and a picturing technology in essence. So I thought I'll just keep it to the technical folks so I got a presentation for you, Talking Tech. You can download this from Slideshare, by the way. Slideshare.com slash Kaushika slash Talking Tech. And if you guys are already on your mobile phones, which I'm sure half of you are, and if you guys are wondering about a hashtag to use, hashtag sexy face, by the way. Sexy face. So I think this is going to be the funniest part, me operating a Mac, but I'll just give it a shot. See, engineers are scared of lots and lots of things, right? First and foremost, you know, these are the things I think engineers are most scared of. Death, right? Obviously, I mean, nobody wants to die. As a matter of fact, none of us are going to die early. We always have the habit of missing deadlines. Rest assured, we're going to stay up. Jitub, obvious reasons. Tummy, obviously, once you become an engineer, you become fat. In fact, we've become so fat that we can convert a binary train to linked list in a while. And big tummy, and you become so fat that you can solve traveling salesman problem and we go off one time, because you can just visit all the cities at once. Women, any women you're scared of, obviously, you don't want to talk to, you watch sap. What is there to talk, really? Pretty women, this even women are scared of, by the way. I mean, they're like, oh, that bitch is pretty. And public speaking. I've realized that the thing that scares the crap out of engineers the most is public speaking. It's like Seinfeld saying it, right? The guy who is giving theology on somebody's funeral would rather be in the box. So I put on some tips for you guys, you know, just to avoid how do you curb the fear of public speaking? Couple of things you could do, right? Don't be too wordy in your slides. You need to make sure that you get the audience interested in your slides and having too many words in your presentation is a strict no-no. Although having everything on your presentation means that you don't have to remember anything you say, but some of us having too many words also gives them courage. It's all very nice to say, but oftentimes these words don't make any sense and you end up losing your audience because they'll be reading your slide, thinking there's something in it, and you're going to disappoint them big time if they discard at the end of the slide. That is an interesting thing. If they haven't still, you can be rest assured that they are deservedly in hollywood. You don't want to be doing that, right? And next thing, no inappropriate figures at all. Inappropriate figures hurt big time. If you're going to talk about something, talk about something less. You know, for example, this makes sense, right? Check magnet. You can actually see a couple of tricks actually, right? And no inappropriate references. All of us have this habit of, you know, referring to some book, some author, some shirt to say, you know, what we made a point. Don't do that, right? Using multiple colors and inappropriate references in your presentation shows awesomeness. Jesus, H Christ. H is his middle name, by the way. It's called Hesu. I'm just faking that out right now, right? But Jesus can't be right always, right? So this is what other people think of it. Jesus is just bluffing. It's awful doing colors, Monica Bellucci. Take it from the learned. Presentations are so much sexier in slow motion. You should follow this tip. They're not making any sense. One man's generation, another man's generation, another man's generation. So this is by our Prime Minister. So keep up to it. And not too many bullets. This is like the most important thing. All of us keep putting bullet points, bullet points, bullet points, bullet points, one after one. Using too many bullet points will only mean that you or can have no clue about what he's talking. Limit the bullet to max of six. Even a real gun can contain only six bullets at a time. Why is this happening at the end? Thanks for that. And this is the other thing, typographical errors. Make sure you spell everything correctly, right? I think I'll conclude the PPT here. We could go on to next act. This is crude. This is crude. Any questions? We're good. Right? So if I offended somebody, I'm really sorry. Actually, I couldn't even figure where my personal decency is. As a matter of fact, I crossed mine time to time. That's all I have one in the first place. So engineers, right? Any Harry Potter fans in the crowd tonight? You're a lone boss. So would I be booed at if I said I hated Harry Potter? Yeah, I hated Harry Potter. So did you guys follow JK Rowling, the writer-writer? A new book is coming up. Apparently it's for adults. Have you seen this? I know I was thinking about it, right? Finally, all these guys in Harry Potter who never got to use their wands can use it at once. Kudos to JK Rowling. I think this is one of the most awesomest things. All these never long buttons and all these bullshit characters who never even got to hold on to one can now do something with the one. You know what I'm saying? I don't make up stereotypes. I just see them. You guys watch documentaries, right? I mean, you're engineers. I'm sure you guys watch lots of documentaries. You do, right? It's all you do. I don't know. I've been watching CNN and NDTV off late where they're showing us one-hour shows, right? The documentaries that are borrowed from in various places and then put up, you know, on one person or a subject, do you guys realize there's millions of documentaries made? Millions. Hitler, right? For example, I've seen about 40, 50 documents on Hitler alone. I mean, it's not like it's a last straw or something, right? Let me watch this one documentary, then I'll frame my opinion on him. I don't even know what these guys are thinking about. There's always this background score guy, background voice guy in the documentary who talks about it. Hitler was a very bad person. He even killed his own dog. I couldn't help but wonder, five million Jews. All right, bro, anybody will make that mistake. He killed his own dog. What a jackass, right? I don't get the idea of a documentary. You see the same shit, time and again. It's like watching Ektakapu Kyunki Sashbi Kabi Bahuti or something. You always know what is coming, right? And you always know that this guy who's going to get married four times and they're going to show up the same thing and the kids will grow old but they'll still have the black hair, big body, big bill. I think the whole idea of making a documentary, I actually wanted to give you a demo of how these guys do a documentary, right? So Canon 40, 50 camera or something. So this is guy standing. We'll talk about Hitler today. Please, the slides. Please, the slides. And the slides will be about Hitler moving around the Jews and stuff. That's Hitler moving from here to there. Hitler is a good mover. You can see that in the documentary. And these guys don't even get sarcasm. Actually, my friends ask me to know why you're so sarcastic. You know the point is I'm not sarcastic. You just douchebags if you don't get sarcasm. There's a friend of mine who used to come to me and ask me, dude, how do I look today? Like, awesome, man. Man, thank you. I said, ah, I was just being sarcastic. He goes, why would you say something that's not true? Well, because that was not true. That's why he said it. And now when I am even serious, I'm like, dude, you want a butter scotch ice cream? Yeah, fuck off, jackass. It doesn't sit with people of late. I kind of can't help but wonder how in the entire process of sarcasm is misrepresented in the community. You're not supposed to do jokes on women, obviously. And you're not supposed to do jokes on politicians. Well, that you can maybe. We all do that on Twitter. And you're not supposed to do jokes on your manager. I can't just sitting here. I work in a startup. That's funny though. I work in a startup by name I do phone labs. We make commuter apps. If any VCs sitting here in a nutshell, I do phone labs, makes apps for commuters. We also do lots of cool stuff for information you can current on the Gmail.com. And just saying, you know, you might as well use the opportunity. Somebody said Flipkart was hiring, right? I mean, we are okay to be incubated or given funds for, you know, whatever makes you guys happy, really. And I tell this to my parents, right? My relatives and stuff. Where do you work? I do phone labs. What do you guys do? Make SIM cards? Yeah, more or less make SIM cards and sell them. And my uncle goes to another whole another level of asking me, right? So do you guys make real apps? Like, what is real apps? You know how this uncle freak you out the 70 year old? How you always ask these guys, uncle, what is this guy doing? The married men and women, when you were very young, you wanted to ask about what these guys were doing when they go inside the room. You ask your uncle or aunt or whatever it is. Or what is this guy doing inside the room? And they go, you'll know when you age. And technology, I think, is the greatest leveler. Now you can just take the phone, turn it to Japanese and say, enjoy your phone. You have your revenge there. It's kind of funny, though. It makes everything look stupid and makes us more stressful also. You can't even fake anything. Remember 1990s? Don't remember 1990s. I mean, none of you look so young anywhere. I mean, remember 1990s where there was no Google, no Facebook, no Twitter obviously, where you can just win an argument with a lie. All you had to do was, I swear to God. Studies promise. I swear to God. The days are gone and today is like, keep talking, bro. Keep talking. You're in Google here. Keep talking. We'll see. Yeah, sure. Totally. Completely. You can't even fake anything today. I have immense respect for engineers. The fact that you have to put up with the idea of people thinking that the only thing you do in front of your computer is watch porn. But still be happy about being an engineer. That's awesome. You guys watch porn? I mean, come on. You know that U-Porn for a fact is the largest earning thing. I mean, U-Porn gets more revenues than IPL plus NBA plus NFL. You guys know that, right? I mean, what does that tell you? You and I are not the only ones watching it. Seriously. Now if I could give an advice to a 17-year-old myself who has space-time continuum, I'd probably tell him, yeah, if you have google.com open every time somebody walks into your room, they know what you're watching. You know, all of us did that, right? The folder named virus, right? Some of us even installed Linux because your parents wouldn't touch it. We did that. You know, let's not be ashamed of the fact. I mean, we did that. We have had to be like, oh, this, this, this. I'm not supposed to touch maybe. In fact, my dad was never happy with whatever I was doing anyway. The whole idea of startup didn't sit well with me, with him, with me, yeah, with him, right? And the idea of me doing stand-up comedy is like, you make people laugh. Why do you even have to do anything about it? You just go and stand there, like, totally, right? You know, I'm from Hyderabad. Don't have any bombs, but I can prove it to you if you need it. You know, Hyderabad, right? South Indian parents get really aggressive when they're naming their kids. My complete name is Aravalli Srinivas Ramachandra and when my dad gets frustrated, he uses my complete name with a Mr. and before. Mr. Aravalli Srinivas. Hey, what's that again? Ramachandra, right? Mr. Aravalli Srinivas Ramachandra Kaushik. I mean, like, okay, something is screwed up here and he starts asking you all this rhetorical bullshit that you don't know if you have to answer to it or not. He goes about saying, do you know what you've done? And you're thinking, so tell him if I know what you've done? Okay, let's wait for a while. Do you know how much it costed me? Uh, five grand? Shut up! Oh, sorry. Do you know what that guy, what is that guy's name? What is that guy's name? Rajiv, right? Do you know how Rajiv is? Uh, he's Pradeep. Shut up! You know, he does all this. He has his best one-liners, right? I grew up in a nerd colony, so I can kind of picture what you state of mind anyway, right? I grew up in a nerd colony and everybody won every damn thing. I was the last guy to win anything there, right? These guys have lots of certificates, right? Obviously, everybody's like, I won this, I won that and the only thing I ever had was a birth certificate. That do not because I was good at it. Yeah, all of us go through that. So, I kind of figured it out. I was thinking I'll pay my little tribute to the hero I look up to, Don MacMillan. So, I put forward, I put an act for you guys. How do you tell one person from another by asking one simple question? What is it one simple question you could ask to anybody and be restricted to know what the profession is, right? The question is what is pi? You ask this question and you can, by the answer you get, you can almost always tell what the guy's profession is. You ask a mathematician that what is pi? It probably tell you always ratio of the circumference circle to its diameter because they hate to be pinned down to numbers. You ask them what is two pleasure they go. It should be two times two, but I'm sure it's four, yeah, two more I could be four. That if they have a fucked up accent, by the way. And you ask a scientist, a physicist, it go pi 3.141516, if it's really committed it'll go on forever, right? And you ask an engineer that, he'll probably go pi, pi is 3.2, but you know I write it as 3.4. You know I just round it off to four. Why didn't you just Google that shit anyway? Right? And you ask a CEO of that. We don't have anybody here, right? We do. We ask a CEO, boy, boy, boy, it's delicious. I just had one. And you ask a manager that, he goes, uh, when do you need this by tomorrow evening? I need three people to work on this shit. Totally. And you ask a salesperson the same question you tell you. Engineers will tell you it's 3.2, but I'll give you for 2.6. 2.2 is the last call. I lock up the door and the deal's off. Thank you very much guys. You guys have been awesome.