 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan as they have Jonathan as they comment I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic Get a man to open up if he's scared or withdrawn Early really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly. These are my weekend videos I shoot on my balcony very similar to the videos. I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you get direct access to me and if you post a question in the group I shoot a personalized video just for you So the link below to my VIP group all right Let's talk about men how to get a man to open up if he's scared or withdrawn Actually before I get started on that I've just got a tiny little bit of a rant because I've Witnessed lately and I've mentioned this before on a couple videos some dating advice that just absolutely infuriates me and It's because a lot of dating advice and relationship advice out there is very manipulative pandering to our unhealthy ego aspects of our lives that oftentimes blocks love and Really isn't the whole point of being in a relationship all centered around love So why would we want to set people up for failure? And I just got a rant for a second about this one piece of advice and it was centered around if a guy doesn't offer to pay The valet on a date don't accept a second date from him And I'm like that represents to these cheap or something like that and it's just it's things like that I also heard another dating advice always wait 24 hours to respond to a guy to create tension To make him want to chase you and I'm like really like is this the kind of advice That's helpful to people. I mean all it does is set people up for for failure It's it's pitting men against women. In fact a lot of dating advice is pitting men against women In other words men are supposed to thing do things this way and women are supposed to do these things these this way I'm tongue tied here and everything will just magically work out if everybody just acts perfect if everybody acts perfect And the reality is is there is no such thing as perfect So before I lean into this conversation and how to get a man to open up to be scared or withdrawn Or really about how to choose a guy who might be scared or withdrawn I want to set up the bigger picture here for a moment for everyone and this might resonate with you And I hope it does because the reality is is every human being I don't care who they are I mean short of growing up with Ozzie and Harriet as your parents most of us had childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that has affected us in a deep way that Makes up our personality. I'm repeat that we've had we all have childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas That has been that affects our personality In fact our personality has been created by layers and layers of good and not good things that happen in our life and Recently I received an email from a woman who was in a relationship with a man who he was sexually abused as a child He was he was beaten by his parents And this is a man who has suffered a lot of trauma in his life I know many women who have gone through the same thing. They've gone through sexual abuse. They've gone through emotional abuse Men certainly have been ridicule. I mean most boys growing up are really taught to repress our emotions If you're if you're dating a man who's a baby boomer or a Gen Xer I mean, it's a little bit different for the Millennials, but and the Gen Zs But certainly those of us in midlife and that's where my coaching leans into his midlife Which is after baby making years and before retirement most people most men for example Have absolutely been repressed when it comes to their emotions We were taught to stuff in our feelings and be a man and actually use aggression Because we have testosterone use our aggression with other men This is why we're oftentimes very combative with our male friends, which I don't think is healthy You know, we've come to accept this behavior of competitiveness and this combative behavior with our male friends I'm going to tell you it's not healthy. In fact, I've even recognized in my own life that combative negative behavior as I've aged is starting to wear on many of my friendships And this is the way we were raised and sadly women were also raised from a different perspective most girls have been raised Sometimes to stuff their feelings, but also it's about being pretty and it's all focused on looks and there's all these beauty pageants Think about that. There's no such thing. I just thought of this just now There's I don't think there's any such thing as a boys beauty pageant Think about that. There's no boys beauty pageant. It's girls beauty pageants And so women have practically been we've been indoctrinated Or subjected to an absolute Objectification of little girls growing up and it's all about looks and beauty men It's all about status and providing protecting women. It's all so can you see how this can wear on us? And let's not even I didn't even get into how Advertising plays into this and how we've been bombarded with advertising for years That have literally have set us up against men against women And so is it any wonder as we age that we don't have a lot of emotional stuff That makes us scared or causes us to be withdrawn in relationship So today I want to invite you to explore an idea that I have and I'm not married to this And let me just say this is just my perceptions and opinions. This is by no stretch You know the truth you have to decide the truth for yourself But I want to explore An opportunity for you that might allow you to go into deeper intimacy with a man who might already be predisposed to be scared or withdrawn So give me a second. I want to drink my coffee and my mug says Sometimes you forget you're awesome. So this is your reminder everybody. I want to remind you you're awesome today And my t-shirt says humankind be both if you like my t-shirt my mug, please post a comment below But I want to create a new conversation for many of you that are in the beginning stages of dating And I just want to paint a picture for a second You meet a guy most likely it's online It's rare these days that we're meeting people organically. I mean, I knew when I was growing up I'm not growing up. But when I was in my mid-20s, I mean it was like it was Friday nights Go out dancing to pick up chicks with the guys. It was Friday and Saturday night. God dancing to pick up chicks I mean it was like every Friday Saturday night for years This generation doesn't do that. They don't meet organically anymore And certainly our generation and for midlife. It's much harder to meet organically because we're not surrounded by single eligible people Just it's not in our daily purview. So online dating happens to be the predominant place to meet now Here's the thing about the challenge with online dating First off, there's all this expectation that there should be some Grand date if you will by a lot of people goes back to that one person that said you have to pay for the valet You know Sometimes a good date is just going for a walk while it by the beach So a walk along the pier would be a good date that you don't have to worry about the about being Rejected because you didn't treat for the valet. Well, again, what a stupid thing in my mind. Anyway, keep going with this Is we meet people online and they're total strangers to us. We have no idea of their past We have no idea of their experiences is what they experienced in their life And so we oftentimes judge right off the bat when I say judge we assess based on the surface What do they look like and how did they dress? What kind of car they drive? We oftentimes focus on the superficial things I'm gonna totally go off on a tangent here first. Well, I'm gonna go off on a tangent here for a second I want to tell you a quick story. I was at a an event called the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas That cause our negative patterns and limiting beliefs. In fact, I recommend this book Frequently and it kind of relates to this topic the Hoffman process the Hoffman process By the way, if you purchase the book, this is going to take 50 hours to do all the work inside of here So this is gonna require some ninja level work But if you're ready to heal and if you haven't healed childhood wounds and traumas and you're ready to do it I invite you to go to the event or buck purchase the book. So I'm at the event 19 women 20 guys You're not allowed to tell people what you do for a living and at the end I shared that I was a dating a Relationship coach and one of the and I'm I'm shortening this story But one of the women came up to me and said Jonathan when I first came here I saw two of you guys I was most attracted to there was a guy I looked like the Marlboro man and then myself and she said I was attracted to you After being here with the week after being here for a week and hearing every single man's heart here and Seeing what they've experienced and really getting inside to who they are I would date every man here and it occurred to me that this is our challenge that we don't Really get intimate with people were hyper focused on the superficial things in the early stages of dating Instead of going into deeper intimacy intimacy into me you see and When someone scared of withdrawn is either they're incapable of going into deeper into C or Intimacy or they just haven't been taught how to go there So I want to create a narrative here for you today to give this a try to see how it works for yourself You know it's it's really the idea of it and not the specifics of it But I want to set you up for success with men to create that opportunity where they can go into deeper intimacy So you don't have to worry about the guys who are scared or withdrawn now. Let me first set the stage Most men are actually good men most men are good men Just a lot of them are bad daters a lot of people are hurting on the inside Just like what I said and ideally the more if the depending on if the more the person's life was Traumatized as a child the more they need therapy Personal development self-help or spiritual work. This is one of the reasons why I wrote my book What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway by the way There's a link below to my book and all the other Jonathan recommends books is listed there Why I'm talking about this is if someone the more traumatized someone's life is the more they need personal development self-help and spiritual work So and I'm and traumatization is degree someone who's been sexually traumatized I didn't have to deal with that probably has a lot greater fear around intimacy than in my particular case where I had a third-grade teacher that called me stupid in front of the class and that That affected me for most of my life. In fact, it created part of my personality a third-grade teacher telling me I'm stupid from the class. I mean it's it's the fact and the fact I'm even talking about it Still means that it's still resonant inside of me, and it's part of my personality that causes me to think I'm either stupid or unworthy Can any of you relate to that? Can any of you relate to some adult that belittled you whether it's front of children or other people? That actually has sunk so deep that it's a deep hurt inside. I know I'm Experiencing that and it the hurt actually has not gone away. It's there I've certainly overcome a lot of the effects of it that caused me to have negative patterns and Limiting beliefs in my life, but I'm telling you I suspect if I know if I've been experiencing this I know you are too so Let's come back to what to say to a guy to get the conversation going so Conversation going to determine if this person's actually worthy to go deeper if they're able to go past Fears if they're able to go past being withdrawn. So I have a little phrase. I want created for you and And I've got my my notes my trusty glasses And it says this Oh, by the way, just again to set the stage this isn't first or second date This is somebody you go, you know You realize that the two of you are probably going to explore a relationship together You've you've gotten past the third or fourth date And this is before sex. So typically these days most of the time people have sex between the fourth and tenth date Okay, and I'm not talking about long-distance Relations of I'm talking about people that live relatively near each other that I've are going they have a capacity to spend one Or two days a week seeing each other those types of relationships because long-distance is a whole nother cluster fuck Oops, I didn't want to say the F word in my Jonathan from the heart videos, but But I just said it so it's a whole other cluster fuck when we talk about long-distance When I'm talking about two people that are actually Capable of investing in a daily relationship. So again coming back to the sex peaks most likely these days It happens between the fourth and tenth date. That's not an absolute But that's what seems to happen. So I want to and suggest this before sex Well, first off, I'm I want to invite you to maybe say something like this when you realize you like the guy And you know he likes you you might say something like look Tim will call look up. We'll call him Tim Tim I want you know, I have no expectations of you I've heard that most men might think women are Codependent needy or demand more than a man can give I'm not that kind of woman and I just want you know, I live in my power. I have standards and I have boundaries Now I'm going to repeat that one more time. I Have no expectations of you. I've heard that most men think women are codependent needy or demand more than a man can give I'm not that kind of woman. I live in my power. I have standards and boundaries Listen this literal this is an empowering statement It sets the stage up for saying look, I Understand the bullshit narrative about men and women. I understand most of you men actually think women are Codependent needy or demanding we actually men think that way we men think women are irrational It's one of the reasons why men often say women are crazy Because when a man's emotional capacity is here and a woman has a expectation of emotional here That space in between is called irrational drama Irrational drama and that's the way of many of us men view women I'm not saying it's a valid view, but that's the way a lot of men view it In fact, there's a video out there called the crazy hot matrix that kind of lays this out type in crazy hot matrix There's a nerd by a bulletin board and this is the way a lot of men think so by setting the stage look I have no expectations of you That takes pressure off of us or at least it might create the Perception of creating pressure when you still might not believe you, but I certainly think it's going to help advance your cause And that cause is deeper intimacy. So I want to Follow up, but this is before you have sex with a guy. I'd like you to say or at least here's the opportunity for you Is to say so if you're open to exploring a relationship that meet that leads to partnership I'm game if you're not we're not a match Repeat that if you're open to exploring a relationship that leads to partnership I'm game if you're not I'm not a we're not a match I think it's important to set that standard right from the beginning because I can't begin to tell you how many women Tell me they're in relationships for four months six months seven months eight months nine months ten months They don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no established monogamy or exclusivity Ladies you have to I'm encouraging you to set your standard right before the penis goes inside the vagina To set your standard right from the get-go Because if you don't You're basically giving your power away to a man and I'm gonna tell you ladies you do two things Habitually that gives your power away to a man and I'm here to encourage you to take your power back and the by the way This is my seven ways women give their power away But number one the relationship is on his terms you abandon your standards and you abandon your boundaries and number two You're afraid to speak your truth with him. I'm here to encourage more communication By the way, most humans are stunted at communication and most humans Have an they're incompetent when it comes to conversational communication. I mean, I'm talking deeper communication I don't mean surface communication. A lot of people can do the surface. How are you doing? I hope your day is going out. Is your day going well? I hope you really have a day to have a fabulous day This is a lot of this is what people are talking about They're not going deeper into Intimacy and that's what I want to lean into for the last few minutes of this video is to discuss Intimacy because this is going to get a guy to open up if he's scared or withdrawn And it's simply this ladies you have to recognize that men as I said earlier have been stunted at an emotional level Okay, we've been stunted for most most most men The best way to get a guy or to open up is to express your feelings Express your feelings about the dynamics of the relationship from a very healthy kind Competent way, and I don't I'm yet what I'm trying to say is not an irrational way where you're vomiting your feelings But you're expressing your feelings in a calm cool demeanor and you invite him to express his feelings About whatever it is you want to talk about so once you think about this You might spend four minutes expressing your feelings and then you invite him to express his feelings He might only give you 30 seconds. Let's and that's probably a lot, right? But then you do it again, and he might give you 35 seconds And then you do it again, and he might give you 42 seconds of his feelings And you do it again, and he might give you a minute and a half of his feelings How men tap into their heart is through Women we don't learn this stuff to men we learn it through women and it's through expressing our feelings I know you've been indoctrinated at men are thinkers and women are feelers guess what men are feelers too We just haven't been taught to how to express our emotions. So I highly recommend reading this book Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosener should have been called compassionate communication In fact, I invite you to buy two copies before the penis goes inside the vagina I invite you both to read this book and This book as well eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman These are great books To shift the narrative from the traditional dating practice. That's all centered around whether or not the guy pays for the valet or not And maybe I'm inviting you to go deeper Deeper than the the surface level to go deeper. In fact, if you're familiar with my relationship iceberg Relationship iceberg the top the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. That's where attraction lies Below the iceberg is shared values emotional maturity blendable lifestyles That's where compatibility lies and the more you share the same values your lifestyles are blendable and you have emotional maturity The water line of attraction drops and you feel more and more attracted to one another Because ultimately a relationship won't work You can have all the chemistry in the world but if you don't share the same values if your lifestyles aren't blendable and that emotional maturity and when I'm also the Capacity to go into deeper intimacy and emotional maturity to go Transparent if it's material the relationship you're going to really struggle to get that relationship off the ground so I've just given you a couple ideas. You have to take it for what it's worth for you I just invite you to start from a premise at first see the big picture Not from the rules-based way of dating but from the perspective of we're all screwed up It's just a matter of degrees number one number two Understand that men have a predisposition to think of women as being codependent and needy so establish right up front You don't you just say it right up front. That's not who I am That's actually like hitting the shark on the nose if you will and lastly lead by example by expressing your feelings and inviting him to express his feelings and You might just find out that you can turn a Weak relationship around because you're talking to one another from a heart-centered space And that's my invitation for every one of you is to start to talk from a heart-centered space All right, I think that's enough for today. I hope you found value in this video I'd like to hear your thoughts, please post a comment below with this resonated with you if any questions I do my best to read them all Lastly, please share this video with your friends tell everyone about my channel And if you're interested in private coaching check out the link below the schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a Coach is right for you. All right. I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pat patetty bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now