 Are we live? Okay. Hello everybody here. I am going to be reposting this as just a regular video but The long and short of it is I'm in trouble financially. I don't want handouts But if you do feel compelled to something there's a link down there to the PayPal Don't do super chats or memberships Because YouTube takes a ridiculous amount. It's almost half of what you guys send Someone did a hundred dollars last time and I got fifty six bucks out of that hundred, which is absolutely ridiculous Also, I want to let you guys know why I'm in this predicament so I put all of my eggs in a couple baskets, not just one basket, but a couple the publishing industry is Ridiculous now as far as traditional publishing and small press is Not going to make anywhere near enough money at or anywhere near what I was making traditionally Also because of the writer strike several projects Hollywood projects that I had running are either delayed Indefinitely or they've been all together cancelled. So here I am I am asking you guys for help. I am willing to sell my entire book collection Everything you see behind me is for sale So if anyone wants to make a bid on my Stephen King limited editions or any of these books whatsoever That's what I'm here for. I don't I don't want charity. I would rather work for it So if you guys want to go out and buy my books on Amazon I'm not going to make too much off of those because those books are 99 cents apiece right now If you're wondering where I've been You tube my regular videos have been demonetized completely So at as of this video 53 of my videos have been demonetized YouTube is not is not responding to me. They won't give me a reason I am but but here's here's how Here's how urgent this is we have enough to make it to January We're gonna get we can get through the holiday season But as of January we have nowhere to go. We have no income I've used up our entire savings just trying to keep us afloat through the rider strike and now I'm talking to Those people and those people are telling me that there is no timeline If it even happens So that's why I'm here I'm begging you guys to help at this point if you guys want me to read my books I'll read my books to you. Well, whatever you guys want me to do. I will do for you I'm just asking for help. I don't actually know what else to say So I'm going to respond to chat and just talk to people. I do have Put it on live chat instead of top chat. I Do have it set for subscribers who have you know been subscribed for a couple months Because I've been getting some pretty hateful emails And I'm pretty sure that individual is out there giggling about it. I just don't want that flack This this person has been harassing me. They've even hacked my friends accounts to try and get me to respond to them I have not So that's the reason why that set the way it is just to keep that person or however many people are doing it out of the chat Anyways, and also I just want the people who have been around a while to be here for this Um, thank you boggle. Hello zeely. Hey Viking. Hey, Ty All right, so What do y'all want to do I Don't know. Um, I Don't know. I don't I don't know what to do here The service department. No, no, no, no, don't do memberships Don't do memberships because there's not gonna be any content to do a membership for thank you But also youtube takes an insane amount of that money While I appreciate you. There you go. There you go. Yeah, definitely don't do that If you want to do anything send that money to the link down there in the paypal and i'll send you a book I got a couple books sitting around if you want a book a couple a couple of books But for everyone in here my entire collection Everything you see in this office is for sale if you want to Buy it. I got to charge you shipping, but I will be honest and you will only get charged I'll even put the receipt I'll even give you a screenshot of the receipt because I can't put the receipt in the box. You know what i'm saying Um I read this We're here for you. I appreciate you guys being here for me. Thank you so much and I am i'm broken. I'm not gonna Completely honest with you not only am I broke, but i'm fucking broken it's just Everything changed overnight Everything and I know everybody is struggling and that's why I didn't want to do this but Once again, literally if I don't find some way out of this mess If I don't find some way out of the we're gonna be on the streets as of january E tell us what you want us to do most to have us help buy these fucking books Like I like seriously. I do not want I do not want charity I want to either sell my collection And I will rebuild I will rebuild if I have to sorry now my ears bothering me Uh, I've also been sick recently, but this isn't a pity party. I just it's just been one thing after another My we had to put ash down my dog of nine years That happened and then this morning So I've been fighting with disability They it's been on and on on again off again. Um, that's why I can't just go out and get a job Um, I all my money comes from my creative ventures my Cover design work is almost non-existent now because of AI everybody's using AI covers. So no one's coming to me um on top of that Uh, the publishing industry is starting to go hard into the AI market Uh for editing and all that stuff, which once again is locking me out of certain revenue streams that I had before Um, no one is interested in in my books right now I don't know what happened. It just all kind of dried up and I'm not talking about you guys not buying the books I'm talking about publishers um, so literally Everything has gone wrong this year that could possibly go wrong And it's just one thing after another And I know there's so many of you out there that understand who are going through the same thing But I I got to try Thank you everybody Anyways, so If there's anything you can see on this screen if you want me to move I I will All of this All of this Uh, YouTube didn't tell me you were on uh, I'm yeah Uh, I don't know that's another thing that I'm I don't even know if this stream is going to be monetized. Let me go check my Uh, I have a fucking panic attack out here Um, hang on Come on. Well monetization is on for this one right now Oh Thank you everybody Thank you. Thank you But I guess we need to find something to do because I'm going to be here all day hoping somebody can help um, I'm going to be here until Uh, thank you service and thank you so much for wanting to do the membership. I appreciate you, but I'm probably going to have to do so. I don't know. I got applications in the door dash all these also So because most of those jobs are pretty much sitting but the problem with sitting and driving is I can only do it for about 30 minutes at a time So hopefully I can do something at all these but I don't I don't think Hang on Why is it fan funding super chasers? No, no, I don't want to do all any of that YouTube has changed a lot since the last time I went live Hang on. I'm all I'm I'm I'm gonna be getting numerous Yeah, I'm gonna be getting numerous uh things All right, uh, oh Okay Yep. Oh my god Okay. All right, so I don't know if if you're out there and I don't know if you want me to give you credit or not But someone has sent a hundred dollars and someone has sent fifty dollars already I would really like to send something to you in return Whether it be one of these books or my books or whatever. I would like to do something for this so please Email me church of the chair at gmail.com. Yeah, we're still using we're still using that one even though it changed Okay, all right, so Um, I just got another 24 dollars and 17 cents probably because of the conversion conversion thing Thank thank thank you, Jen. Thank you. Thank you Oh Okay, hang on dude Wayne did Did you mean to send this much? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Did you mean to do two? Two Wayne. Did you mean to do two? Just I'm just making sure Oh, my mortgage is paid. Oh my god. Okay, so we have a roof over our head for one more Oh my god Wayne Wayne taught sorry Okay, so I'm just going to take that you guys don't mind me. I want to give you guys credit. Okay Already already my mortgage for December is paid. Okay, you We're there. You bought me. You already bought me another month everybody So thank you to Wayne Who is the service department? Thank you to to Jen Oh, thank you to Ty You to Hailey all right I would just say thank you As as it goes as it goes I love y'all too. I just I don't I don't like Accepting stuff Let me do something for you Please let me do something if nothing else I'll play fucking guitar for you or whatever. Let me do something for you. Let's let's do something Please and I'm trying that I'm every time I look at chat. I want to I want to break down so Sorry, I'm not reading everybody's comments like I usually do but I'm I'm overwhelmed right now and y'all know I know you guys understand that uh I need you to uh, re-record, uh, fuck this shit o'clock I wish I remembered the the words and even the melody. I don't remember much of anything I didn't mean to flip y'all off. I was just digging in my ear Listen, we all need help especially now. That's and that's why I didn't that's why I didn't want to ask Jen because Everybody's fucking struggling. You know, I'm just one. I'm I'm one person Anyways, okay, so as far as a goal Oh Oh my god, oh my god, hang on. All right Hang on. Let's Let me refresh I'm All right, our monthly bills are 1350 right now. I already have $879 you guys have already said that much Oh Three thumbs up Sorry, like I said, I'm I'm still sick Oh Rob just told me Off for overfilling the washing machine. He says it will break. Yeah, you don't want to have to replace Uh, what? Yeah. Hey, your guys's friendship is important to me too. That's why I didn't want to ask uh I remember I've been homeless twice before and I remember panhandling I remember begging and I just never I never wanted to do that Again, you know Okay At least we got a roof over our head Okay, so make us good until like february Okay You can do whatever you want. I don't need anything. I just hope things look up for you. Thank you I'm driving. We got new boggle is dropped. Oh, I love you boggle. I'm driving now, but we'll try and help That's a I'm not expecting anything I'm just asking for help The help that I need is down there in the doobly-doo in the description That's it I appreciate you. I appreciate everyone. You've already already gone above and beyond. Um, Hopefully I get a call back from all these Hopefully I don't have anything on my record, but I'm waiting on a background check for door dash. That'll fill in the blanks Terry if you're still here, I'm sorry. I missed your You're Sorry, I'm sick. Like I said, um, terry. Thank you Uh, my ear is just I can hear my heart beating my ear. It's probably it's probably the stress And everything. Oh, thank you if Ifa So what do y'all want to do because I'm going to be streaming all day And I have to take uh, dan to work at 5 30 I'll be out of here at five because I got to go get ready and whatnot And then you want me to hydrate? I already missed twitch. Don't you because you can just use your channel points Okay, um, I have to take dan at Uh, 5 30 to work. Um, and then After that when I come back, I'm gonna be streaming all the way until I have to go pick them up at 11 30 So we'll be going all the way until 11. We'll figure out something to do. We can eat Can you oh, yeah, I can read you a christmas story In fact, I can read you my christmas trilogy if you want to war on christmas. Y'all want to read that one? It might it might be full of coughing and stuff like that, but I can do that. Let me download kindle Oh god, thank you all so much. Thank you idle hands illustration whoever you are. Thank you so much Um, thank you to christopher. Thank you Okay So already We are up to You get all these 956 dollars 956 dollars Okay, all right I'll read you you you share it on facebook and twitter. Thank you. Ty. I appreciate you Oh, the the main the main problem here and I didn't I don't like bringing my health into things But also my insurance is getting cut off as of the first also I still have a high red blood cell count and now I won't be able to get my treatments every month So that's another thing that I'm terrified for uh, I I don't know how much it costs without insurance But yeah, uh, I still have a elevated red cell count My white cell count is now fine, but my red cell counts staying about 54 Which they like to have it underneath 50 Um, so yeah, that's that's another thing. Um But I won't be able to go even to my general practitioner because that's 65 dollars every visit Oh Anyways, okay. All right, so christmas story christmas story Oh Oh my god, thank you all so much Okay download kindle. That's what I was going to do kindle uh Yeah, I did you did you hear why I vanished mid october? The if you if you if you don't know they they demonetized all of my stuff And since I wasn't making any money on it. I had worked so hard for that content The best stuff was coming stuff with this mask And I got a whole I have a whole bag of masks. I in fact, I can show you guys hang on Give me a second. Let me show you what I bought all the stuff you guys never saw We'll do that and then we'll do a christmas thing I can't even I can't even decorate for christmas. I still have all my halloween stuff up anyway, so we got You know my blue rainbow shirt I got this to go with it. There you go. That should be worth five dollars And then I also got this, uh, I forgot to it's funny it funnily enough. I forgot to use this for my uh For my saw x review Yeah, yeah, whatever pierce whatever you want. Let's let's let's talk about it. Whatever you want Let's go for a little while longer Before before I start reading because I want to be able to talk to you guys too But I will read you my entire war on christmas. I think it's like 13 000 words It's three short stories back to back to back. I will read that entire thing for you guys But yeah, I got this mask Uh Yeah, I'm even selling this stuff. I'm even selling this stuff. So And you you sent me a christmas card. Thank you. I know you told me you were working on it I'm excited to see it. It took forever for the last one To come through Hang on. I'm reading a note Wayne if you're still here, I accept for now. I accept Because I don't know what else to do. I really don't Um Okay, so pierce do you hang on hang on my fiance has decided to walk out on us. So No What the fuck is going on everybody? I'm talking to I got another friend that I that I was literally, you know I was gonna ask for help And their friend odied last night is in the hospital. I'm like Everybody is going through it How much for the red insomnia book with white on top? I'm at this one It's a first edition Hang on I'll take 10 I guess Yeah, it's a first edition first printing. So Some of mine are first edition, but they're not uh first printing So 10 dollars plus whatever it cost to ship probably about three or four bucks Media mail Oh, and I hang on I need if you buy anything. I need to send you an invoice to your email So if you want to buy something email me at church of the chair at gmail.com Okay, and then I will send you an invoice to whatever you email you send to me, okay But I'm willing to let go any of my limited editions for a hundred dollars I paid, you know considerably more for most of these Oh, you don't have to don't post your just email me don't post your I got I got to take down your comment because I don't want I can't take your comment down because you're a moderator delete your comment Tony Don't put your emails in the chat Man, I need to breathe my fingers are tingling I let let me go for just a second I'm gonna try and use one of those baby syringes to get whatever's in my ear out because it's just I'll be back in less than five minutes Okay, sorry about that Hey blue all I want is a list of your pseudonyms and for you to declare your undying love for wizarding glass Wizarding glass is the best novel ever written Hands down. It's my favorite dark tower I cannot give you the other stuff And that's based on contracts blue. I am not gonna get sued But yes, wizarding glass best one ever Happily, I'll happily agree with you now I'm drying my hair. So if you talk to me and I don't answer I'm watching. Okay. All right You're fine. All right Calm down calm down. Okay, so Where'd I put my phone? Where's my phone? Y'all I lost my phone There it is. Never mind No, no, I'm good. I'm good. Oh, you're Jim You're fine. No one. Okay. Here's another thing I can't do the fog machine. It'll cut out that you know, it'll cut out the mic Thank you, Jim. Thank you um Wayne I can't respond to you on paypal. So if you're still here Give me confirmation that you heard my acceptance, please My ear is just okay. Then nothing I can do about my ear. I'm just gonna have to deal with it Download play store. No kindle kindle. These folks want you to read to them Let's see if I have a physical coffee. Hang on. I might have one. I hear a bunch of stuff getting slid around So I'm sorry in advance Yo, y'all I got a bunch of out of print stuff Yo yo yo yo yo I have a lot of out of print stuff. There wasn't a glass This is the most of Whoo y'all fighting y'all fight. All right, check this out. So I got limited edition from thunderstorm books of fog warning I'll take 25 for this. I think it was like I actually don't know how much it was Damn it. It's cold all right Fog warning. It's a novella limited edition Leather binding All right life after dain These are the only copies I have left. So you guys are literally getting my last copies life after dain from thunderstorm also Part of their screaming cactus series I'll take 50 for this. No, hang on. I gotta go a little bit more because What'd I say for this one 30 25 25 for this 50 for this there. That's good The uber rare first printing of bay's end I think the only person in here who has one is nn bell Whose nettles the only person who has this version of the book. It's a first printing It's got slight. Oh never mind. Just can't I know where this came from this came from my mother And it does have coffee damage on the bottom of it. I just remembered that After my mother passed away, I got all the books that she had hoarded of mine So This is a never released Never released anywhere. You cannot find this Of dastardly bastard my second book under the edward lauren name This one Is so rare. This is the only copy that exists Y'all bid on this if you want it But I also have The reddit publishing copy over here that I will sell for 10 All right This one is the uh So and it's it's also it is not a proof copy never mind. Hang on Yeah, perfect Yeah, so this was never Which one do you want tony? You got to tell me which one you want? This has never been available to the public period This is the only copy of the book other than the limited edition I did and the limited edition through thunderstorm. This book's not available for sale anywhere Hey Landon, uh Hey, hey Landon, how you doing? I was reading your comment before I even read the name It's been a bit. What can I do to help and how much for the rare dastardly bastard? Let's talk about it. I mean, I don't know how much this is worth. I have a very low self-worth So you tell me Give me an offer. I probably won't refuse it And then the ultra rare again Collaboration I did with craig saunders. I'll have to send half to him, but that's fine Uh craig saunders and me wrote a book called pig. It's about a town where uh Pretty much also, this is a this is rare because it's a failed proof I wrote failed up here, but it's a failed proof because some of the formatting is off So this one is super rare also But this is what we're going to do today. We're going to read from war on christmas It's my uh christmas series Thank you, brad. I I I appreciate you Uh 50 or 70 it doesn't matter landon you tell me and I accept Anywhere in between those two things Uh, Tony my first first of carry will probably run you about $6,000 So the one that I have over here is the book club edition but The first first Is going to be quite expensive because it's worth so much Donald uh or uh mike whichever name you you want to use I know you buy both um Thank you so much for how much you sent um and then uh I request only a book report on the most recent dean coons book available And we got to talk about that also why there's also been no content because I haven't been reading. Um, I've been so stressed out Uh Not gonna make you spend money on that direct just All right. All right. You you're gonna have to give me the book now. I can I I get the book. I'll get the book You're gonna make me you're gonna make me buy a dean coons Uh, how about tree fitty for which one? Will it cost more? No, it's not gonna cost more for a signature. No Any rare rare dan Simmons books? Let's see what we got I think I got one or two that is out of print. I ought to be careful. So I don't hurt my back carrying all this stuff around Okay, so I got a first first of druid. I believe Hey, I got a first edition first printing of druid Pretty good damn condition It even has a sticker from when I first bought it I have I think this is really easy to find but I'm just gonna make sure it's a first first All right. This is the first edition first printing of the fifth heart, which is relatively new. This shouldn't be too hard to find I also have the hollow man, which is a pretty I mean the spine's all right. It does have some creasing Oh, whatever library app. Okay. I'm sorry carrying comfort First edition paperback. This is the first edition paperback also Let's see if they're first printings No, this is this is the sixth printing first edition sixth printing All right first edition Second printing of this and we got the regular stuff black hills. That ain't worth anything Same with flashback. You don't want to read that junk anyways I have a book club edition children of the night hardcover. It's smaller than all the rest of them But it is a book club edition. It's the only book club edition I own of his Hang on y'all. I I see I see it going I see the chat going I'll read your stuff in just a second. Don't please don't please don't go Uh, all right. We have a first edition. This is rare. This is actually rather rare Fires of Eden by Dan Simmons. I don't think anybody in here even knows about this book It is a first printing first edition. It's got the price and everything up here Let me make sure it's a first Yep, first printing first edition first first of this And that's what I got Yeah, the fires of Eden. Yeah, okay. Let me read. Let me catch up on some stuff. Okay Um, I don't know Specific, yeah Uh Hey tw straight up. Love you, bro. You helped me when I was I was going through some. Oh these ones are hard to read. Uh Really tough times years ago and I know you weren't you aren't on social media much anymore if at all But I'd love to reconnect sometime yet. Shoot me shoot me an email church of the chair at gmail.com Shoot me an email over there and we can connect. I'm also on twitch So I don't know how well, I'll be able to stream this month now that I have the the bills taken care of but I'm still looking for work And if I have to um Hang on Okay, hang on So many emails so many messages Oh, oh Every uh pierce Everything all of my it collection You you can buy except for the gifts Um, I'm not selling any of the gifts that were sent. So the uh, UK first edition I I can't sell that. Um, and the american First edition is going to run at least 150. Um, because just because it's it's worth like 600 bucks So I'm literally giving it away at that price Okay All right, I got to do a review of Dean Coons' latest. Actually, I have amazon prime At least for another two months So I can just get it on there. You want the most recent Coons book Okay Anyways, but I'll also I'll respond to all the emails that I get I'll respond to those after all this too Oh all right So landon wants All right, so how about landon how about ten dollars for this one? Okay You want children of the night and fires of Eden? Okay Remember children of the night. It's not it's not summer of night. It's children of the night. Just just make sure you You caught that How about 15 for these and then Okay, you know that. All right, uh 15 for both of these and Whatever you feel comfortable 15 to 50 to 75 is what you said So i'm gonna put these aside for landon All right, tony sent me an email Hang on Get out of the way Also subbing to my twitch would help it would Yeah, that's that's perfect landon 25 for Eden and that's more than I asked so I know that's how You bargain, but I want to help more more But I want to help more than I can't I look you're help every little if you Somebody sends me a dollar. I'm gonna be grateful as hell for that. I promise you So I mean look all my all my books are on sale for 99 cents right now the and the what she recalls it's the uh And the paperbacks are as cheap as I can make them and still make a you know like 50 cents a piece off them Oh, I need to go put the rest of this dan sim and stuff back because it's just taking up space Landon stack I got tonys Hang on. Let me look at what tony emailed um Okay. All right, so you want bay's end Um I you're okay with the coffee damage, right? Yeah, we we tried zeely. Um it the problem with the uh stuff is that so many people are Doing those jobs that even when they are available It's because because they're by not commission. What's it called? Um Uh Based on how much output you can do I can't sit and do much and still get you know my writing done and all that stuff The ones that I applied to I didn't have enough experience and oddly enough They told shell that she was over qualified for the position I don't understand over qualified. But yeah, that's that's where we're sitting at with that stuff But I will literally do anything to make money at this point It probably would pay better, but I don't have enough experience for it Um, I even looked into what is it medical transcriptionist? Um, I'm waiting on door dash to get like I said, I'm waiting on door dash to get back to me I'm waiting on all these all that stuff I have plenty of books with worth worth stank. I got you. Okay, so um What I say for this one What let's do 10 I'm gonna do 10 10 and 10 so 20 And I'll send you an invoice that way that because I have to I unfortunately I have to Uh, put all this stuff. It's for tax purposes is why is why I have to send you a a an invoice And also it's the only way I can print out, uh Uh A label All right, so we still have pig By me and craig saunders very wild book Um, but I haven't been able to get into contact. I can still send him money But you know like half of it, but I haven't been in contact with craig in over a year We still have fog warning limited edition We still have the original This isn't as rare as the other one that uh landon bought But this one's no longer in print hasn't been in print since 2015 Something like that and then the limited of life after dain 50 for this Uh, 10 for this 15 no What I say 25 for this And 10 for this All right Y'all ready to start reading So I can work off all this money y'all sending me go away go away So many apps All right, so december is damn near completely taken care of Um, I've got 1209 In the paypal balance Thank you for that that'll take care of everything. Um, yeah Uh, I kind of want to do Let's see here. I want to read this in style like I want to put on I can't I can put on the light I can't put on the fog machine So I can turn on the light And read Let's see here Oh my god guys. I can't believe that that's Y'all are amazing y'all are amazing. Let me Let me get into this Okay, so we have war on christmas And then the back are the individual covers So you have the naughty list deck the halls and beyond the gates of toyland Uh the complete war on christmas series with some jingle bells right here Uh, but yeah by me and then over here it says toyland kicks some hard ass Gregor zane author of taboo gasp All right, this is a dark fantasy retelling with santa claus as the hero With some crampus and a bunch of other surprises that some of you might catch Some of you might know the reference, uh, but there is a lot layered in here So let's go ahead and jump into this if you're just getting in here I'm trying to work from I'm trying to work and sell Everything on the screen is for sale everything all of the books everything all my steven king books everything is for sale um We're gonna but we're gonna read from this now. Oh ads are about to run Ads are gonna run for it says ads will run shortly for some viewers in 50 seconds. So I'm gonna wait until Uh until the ads are done and I'm that's that's cool that they added when the when the ads are gonna run Maybe that's why their monetization system is fucked up right now Maybe that's why my monetization system is fucked up right now because they're changing things Uh ty said I you read this and I know I you did a review on goodreads and on amazon Didn't you I think you did I read it and enjoyed it some years ago Will be even better to hear you read it. Thank you Krampus the Yule Tide Lord next wait till you see my version of Krampus Is gonna be fun. Maybe I should take a break. Yeah, we're already 47 minutes in All right, the ads are about to hit in three two one What they selling y'all y'all need to let you know what just what they're selling y'all I don't think y'all can hear it not hear me but See me It's not going to be everybody. Just watching you boogie Bomba socks Really bomba socks All right Let me know when all the ads are are done So We can start this actually I'm gonna take a break first, but I'm gonna read you the introduction Adblock is still winning for you. Cool. Cool. Very cool I think we should I wish it would have told me how long the ads are for but We're gonna give it a couple minutes. All right Let me read the author's note and then I will take a break get up and move around and then I'll be back in about 10 minutes And we can continue this on But if anybody comes in asking questions, please tell them what's up everything on screen even stuff off screen is Uh Is for sale all the funko pops everything is for sale guys everything Okay, author's note for war on christmas the complete war on christmas series What you are about to read is an omnibus of my war on christmas series These three short stories were released a year apart in 2014 2015 and 2016 And offered for free during the weeks leading up to december 25th These stories are included or are intended as a gift to you for all your support over the years I would not be where I am today without you and that still stands I hope you enjoy reading the war on christmas as much as I enjoyed writing it If you have time consider leaving a review blah blah blah While I do not respond to them. I do try and read them all At the end of this book you'll find links to my other stories that you don't need to know all that but yeah You buy a bomba socks for the shelters Are those like pet socks? Is that what they are? I've never heard of bomba socks Bomba clock All right, the first we're gonna go on we're gonna go on break first, but when I come back We're reading the naughty list by me and that's the original cover I know you can't see it very well because it's black and white, but Yeah, book one that I said book one the the story is like 2000 words long The rest of them are like 5000 words a piece kind of thing Anyways, all right, I'm gonna go on break. Love y'all Thank you again to everybody You've been absolutely amazing. Thank you so much And I will perform for you As soon as I get back Thank you, joseph. Thank you much love much love. Anyways, I'm gonna take a break. I'll be right back Yeah mutation Okay, uh uncanny Our share of night I'll even throw in the uh the arc for free I'll sell it to you for 15 How's that? It's in mint condition. I haven't even opened it because I read the arc. So brand new Like I said, never even opened Let me put this over here. Let me grab you the arc to Wherever I put that there it is And this one it does have all of my notes in it So keep that in mind and the notes are gonna make any sense That sounds great. I get paid on Friday. Okay. Shoot me an email to church of the chair at gmail.com and we'll set that up. Okay Thank you. Oh, I want I want to do it. I want to do it Uh, I do have to it'll be extra for the shipping. You probably be like five bucks to ship both because we're talking about a thousand Thousand pages and pretty heavy But they'll go out medium mail with insurance. So You're welcome. Thank you Okay, let me let me settle down a little bit before I start reading Waiting for tonight When you'd be here in my arms, I don't know this song All right, okay Here we go. Yeah, let me let me get my breath back Let me relax The first one isn't going to take long at all to read Put the mic in front of my face so y'all can hear goodly Thank you again for everything. Um, I'm just I'm blown away by your support We're good for another month. So go over here That's jaylo I don't listen to jaylo I'm sorry Waiting for tonight Yeah, that song doesn't even sound familiar to me like those lyrics The biggest expense is my mortgage. Um 650 a month That's that's that's the biggest expense All right Here we go I am for those of you just joining us. I am reading from my collection war on christmas It collects all three short stories that I gave away for free As a thank you to fans. Uh, so I'm gonna be Starting with the first story, which is the naughty list And I'm I'm not a I'm not a voice actor. So I apologize. I'm not a narrator. So I apologize in advance if it's not great All right Book one the naughty list The house below was strung albeit poorly with christmas lights multicolored bulbs dangled from the eaves of the wraparound porch Making the house seem as if it wore a hoop skirt Smoke drifted lazily from the chimney Yet there wasn't a single light on inside the two-story victorian Santa felt that age old draw This simple thing christmas decorations was how santa skirted those families who did not believe He couldn't resist a home that was dressed for the season The need to stop was embedded in his dna He yanked back on the rains In the lead vixen was the first to respond Rudolph had been laid up this christmas After it was found that his glowing nose was actually a rather nasty infection Vixen snapped her head left and down and the other reindeer followed suit The team landed Prancing atop the pitched roof And santa finally got a good look at the house and its surroundings A dense wood encircled the property Only opening up where the driveway connected with the old dirt road out in front The lawn was dry and brittle and dotted with snow Santa knew that if he were to walk across the grass his footfalls would sound like soda poured over pop rocks An elderly station wagon with a spider web windshield sat in the driveway If you could call that meager patch of dirt a driveway at all The lights hanging from the porch made the white car look purple Santa reached behind his seat and grasped his bag He tugged it over and onto his shoulder The smoke from the chimney smelled of alder And this made santa smile He did so love the smell of alder It produced his favorite type of wood smoke aside from cherry, of course He detested the scent of burning pine As one could probably assume His heavy black boots the ones with the cheery golden buckles that perfectly matched the belt around his waist Crunched softly through a light smattering of snow Which had collected in patches all over the roof At the chimney he told his team to stay and laid a finger upon his nose Ancient magic lifted the jolly old elf up up and away He came to settle atop the flu He crinkled his nose as a rabbit might and slurp down the chimney he went When he became solid again he was standing in a drafty old living room Wind whistled in under a cracked window and before going about his business he snapped his fingers The window in turn snapped shut A low chuckle rumbled his belly and he set out about his work An emaciated christmas tree draped with dollar store lights lurked in the corner like a vagrant in a dark alley The glow of the lights cast red and green and yellow and blue demons across the walls Sprites shaped like branches fluttered across the ceiling Atop the tree a golden star chipped and dull lay crooked as if it had fallen asleep during a vigil Not a single presence sat under the tree santa marked this quite odd But even otter still was the trail of pine needles leading to the front door Had the residents not swept up not swept after putting their tree up He checked the mantle above the fireplace for milk and cookies Or perhaps rum and pineapple That was his new that was a new favorite of his although he only came across it when visiting the Caribbean But found only dust and cockroaches He stepped back gingerly digging his fingers into his beard to scratch at his chin The lights from the tree painted a rainbow across his white whiskers He strode quietly into the kitchen found rats in the refrigerator and a freezer full of spiders The various drawers and cabinetry offered the same grotesqueries He cranked the handle on the sink only to find no water Likewise the light switched on the wall illuminated nothing What power ran the decorations outside and the lights on the tree Santa wondered no water No electricity Nothing but vermin and pests odd Naughty magic maybe He would need to consult the list He humped his bag over his shoulder It landed before him with a thump and was instantly haloed by thick dust He untied the golden rope and shoved his fist inside It came out brandishing the list Name scrolled across the parchment He read as he enrolled The good list Pamela and Kirk and Larry wait What Santa thought Didn't these three move into the new subdivision off seventh? What are they doing here? The naughty list Roach and boil and puss and flake and grobble and twist and felix and nubby The longer santa looked at the naughty list the longer it grew No The naughty are here here damn it here santa's mind screamed But where now that that was the question Shaking santa returned to the living room He stood in silence listening A muffled something He could barely hear it and only between the ever accelerating beating of his heart He took two steps toward the direction in which he thought the muffled sound had originated It became louder But only just Slowly santa approached the closet under the stairs The floorboards creaked and whined under his weight He wrapped his glove hand around the brass knob and turned The door squealed as he pulled it open Three children Each with stockings crammed in their mouths and elf hats pulled down over their eyes Lay upon the floor of the otherwise empty closet Two two still slumbered But the third Pamela was starting to come too She was moaning It was a trap A rather clever one at that The knotties had known santa wouldn't come unless there were kids on the good list to be found They knew he wouldn't have landed without decorations Even if the decorating had been rushed and sloppy They had tricked him After all these years the naughty list had gotten a foot up on him Santa snapped around and surveyed his surroundings A soft voice drifted from the stairs above A riser squeaked Another creaked The childlike voice continued to sing whisperingly She got out of the way Come out! Show yourselves! Santa bellowed His voice thunderous and commanding Above many voices giggled As she threw the snow on a one-horse open sleigh The naughty hissed as it came into view over the banister Its silver eyes gleamed The thing was dressed as one of his elves But this was no toy maker Its child's countenance grinned so widely Santa was sure the face would split and spill its contents down the stairs It tapped a sharpened candy cane against the railing as it descended Funny word, huh? I seen their glass The naughty asked Sleigh can be spelled two ways I much prefer S-L-A-Y The childlike demon leaped from the stairs Sailed over the banister And brandishing the sharpened candy cane like a switchblade Dropped toward Santa Santa hopped to one side But the tip of the candy cane nonetheless lanced through his cheek Spilling hot blood the consistency of warm cocoa down his beard He staggered backward holding his face And was witness to a flood of naughties as they spilled down the stairs Ten, twenty, fifty The little demons in elves clothing came like roaches Each one screaming its name Pass, ward, stern, ga-bowl More and more followed suit Santa wanted to help the children The real children in the closet But he was far too outnumbered And he was wounded He had to make it to the roof To his team He had to find help Relax! The naughty with the cane shrieked as it flung itself at Santa This time Santa was quicker He juked to the right Reaching out and flung Felix into the emaciated tree in the corner Felix squealed and kicked But Santa worked with the speed of a true elf His hands and fingers blurred as he wrapped the string of Christmas lights From the tree around Felix's straining neck All this took less than a second Felix tied off good and proper Santa spun to face the cavalcade of naughties coming his way He began to twirl Felix above his head like a cowboy with a lasso Santa whipped the Felix lasso down and out Knocking three naughties in green elf clothes into the kitchen He yanked the Felix lasso back Made two revolutions over his head And snapped it back out Four naughties crashed into the fireplace And burst into flames Santa fought to continue But he was running out of steam Back you unholy imps! The window behind Santa exploded In a spray of glass and wood In poured his team Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen The sleigh tore a gaping hole in the front of the house As a team ripped through the wall Vixen's antlers flashed and jabbed In pailing a fleeing knotty The thing squeaked as Vixen ran the thing into the ground And began to stomp the life out of it Dasher stabbed one elf devil in the eye The horn rocketed from the back of Puss's head Dripping gore Donner ripped Goop's head clean from the knotty small body Cupid eviscerated roach Comet, bit, twist, nose off The battle raged on Santa slogged through the ever-spreading carnage Until he reached a closet He dropped his Felix lasso The knotty had become nothing but a bloody mass A pulverized bone and torn flesh by this point Snatched up all three children Pamela and Kirk and Larry And tossed them over his broad shoulders A second wave of knotties rushed down the stairs Where in Odin's green earth are these beasts coming from? Santa roared At Santa's command the reindeer fell back Vixen whipped the team around and drove off into the kitchen Plaster dust and wood chips rained down As the team exploded through the far wall Santa ran to keep up The children bounced against his shoulders And he worried he might crack a few of their ribs Before the night was over The team shot right out into the front lawn And Santa barreled through the new hole they'd created The team came to a stuttering stop And the sleigh jackknife Panting and bone-tired Santa lay the three kids into the back My bag? Where was his bag? He'd left it inside, he knew it He had no choice but to go back in If the knotties harnessed the magic inside All would be lost Children all over the world would keel over soulless And these abominations would finally have the life they so coveted Santa faced the house once more Hear me, your violence Hear me well One called from inside Another coughed Growned one painfully Santa bellowed Bring out my sack and I'll let you go on existing One of them tittered madly I will take the reins off my friends here And help them go at you whole hog You saw what they are capable of while tied together Wait till you see what they can do when unchained Rammit! Cried a knotty But this one sounded less adamant Beaten Well, what say you? Check the house, it boughs a holly Hock sang softly as he stepped from the hole in the front of the house The devil elf was tugging Santa's bag behind it Santa Claus Vomit growled, stumbling out of the front of the house behind Hock It cradled its guts in both hands This ain't over, Fatman I did not think it was imp, Santa spat The bag, devil, give it to me Ba-la-la Hock grumbled as he slung the heavy sack toward the sleigh Santa, still clutching his gouge cheek, hobbled weakly over to claim his bag The golden rope dangled from the opening And Santa could not remember if that was how he'd left it He'd need to check its contents before A shrieking knotty erupted from the sack It brandished two jagged heads of candy cane Santa didn't have time to react as the devil elf struck out in quick downward strokes Vixen knocked Santa aside with a bump from her flank The attacking imp landed on her horns It thrashed and wailed, but there was no use Life, or whatever these things considered life, had begun to flee its silvery eyes Blood bubbled from its mouth, and it spat a great glob of life fluid At the big guy in the red suit Santa wiped the mess from his beard Santa watched as vomit and hawk, their plan ruined, stumbled back inside Release! Santa yelled, and the rains dropped away from his team Each reindeer stepped up beside him in turn And he gazed down, their line with pride Have at'em, boys and girls Make Santa proud, ho-ho-ho-ho Oh, sad though, as Rudolph would once again miss all the reindeer games That's the knotty list That's the first one All right, let me check Stuff Thank yous and all that All right, thank you to Yeah, Charles and Sarah Thank you so much All right Hang on, I'm reading an email All right, TW, I got your email Thank you All right, I'll respond to you in a little bit, TW Thank you for the email Hang on, I gotta reply to somebody Hydrate? Thank you Yeah, I probably need to take another break too My back is killing me, and I gotta stream all day Yeah, we're still doing that Chad is doing Nano this month I was trying to do it too But we're gonna work on it in December So yeah, it's still a thing that's happening Okay, cool, I really enjoyed listening in as you guys worked on it Yeah, we'll be back I'm not sure that we'll be streaming it I gotta talk, in fact, I had a text into Chad And Chad literally just texted me Saying that he was sorry, he just got it So Black Snake Moan I can't see what the S says because of these damp Black Snake Moan stare regarding streams For the Lotsky collab Sorry, but yeah, it's still coming We don't know how it's coming We don't know if it's gonna be traditionally published Or if it's gonna be indie or small press We have no idea We gotta talk about all that stuff But yeah, that's still going on And as far as 31 days of Halloween It literally got shut off because they demonetized me Ads are gonna run for some people in 10 seconds So once that's done I'm gonna go ahead and go on break Since you guys are about to be hit with ads And I'll be gone for 10, 15 minutes And I'll come back, read the next story Bye, sorry for all the titty meat up in your face I didn't mean to All right, sorry about that All right Okay, I'm gonna do one more story And I'll read the next Actually, Hailey wants to hear this And that'll be after Hailey goes to sleep Hailey, are you gonna be up late tonight by any chance? Cause I'll be back here Or did Hailey leave? Excuse me, sorry Yeah, but I want you're the one who wanted me to read them I want to make sure that you can listen to them Man, I think I got bronchitis or something Okay, sorry Step, hang on Okay, now I think I'm better Okay, here we go This is 40 page story But it's huge Cause it's meant to be like a children's book But it's not for kids, you know what I mean? The next one is Deck the Halls Book two of the war on Christmas But anyways, are you gonna be... I don't know if you have anything to do tomorrow I'll be up for about 12 p.m. UK time I can be back here No, wait a second, we got it No, it'll be too late Cause I won't get back here till about 6.37 Okay, we'll figure it out, Hailey If you miss it, I'm gonna be posting this whole video up over... Well, here, I'll be posting the whole video up So you'll be able to go back and watch it Okay, so once again for those people just joining us I'm reading the second story I already read the first one You can scrub back if you want to hear it In my war on Christmas series Also, I'm trying to earn some money So if you have everything on cameras for sale If you want to buy any of these books 100% hit me up Put it down in chat I'll give you the email and we'll get it sold Okay, all right Also, you guys need to start thinking about something That you want from me on this channel That's not books Because I've been too stressed out to read So anyways, here we go Deck the Halls Book two or second short story All right, one Santa's sleigh carved its way through the starry skies He rode atop the clouds as if they were as if they were so many snowy meadows On the horizon, the aurora borealis shone brightly Nature's very own Christmas lights Santa sighed contentedly He couldn't wait to see Mrs. Claus Mary to her chubby hubby And his elves It felt good to be home Vixen led the team into a descent And the sleigh cleaved effortlessly through the clouds below Santa knew that Vixen had enjoyed her time leading the team But he was also aware that the old reindeer was tired She would willfully give Rudolph back his position at the head of the pack Once her red-nosed goof was over his sinus infection At first, Santa had no idea what he was seeing down on the ground The snowy landscape blazed orange A spreading column of acrid black smoke rose from Santa's workshop in the main house Both structures were fully engulfed If any of his elves were still inside They were most certainly no longer of this world The reindeer stables were the only buildings left untouched by the raging inferno As the team sped on Bridging the gap between them and the fiery wreckage that had once been their home Santa mumbled feeble prayers to uncaring gods The team struck ground 50 yards from the unmarred stables The sleigh fishtailed slid sideways through the snow Before it stopped Santa was down and running as fast as his short legs would carry him I took another drink, Hailey. Thank you Before it stopped Santa was down and running as fast as his short legs would carry him His large yet firm tummy bounced in front of him Once he got his considerable girth moving Santa could match a bear on all fours running at top speed Behind the charging fat man in red and white Vixen let out a mournful howl The team echoed her lamentation I don't Lamentations is that it I I know the word I know what it means but I haven't problems pronouncing it The reindeer's sorrowful voices were the only sounds that could be heard over the crackling of the fire Santa came to the main house as the roof collapsed Sending glowing embers and hot ash swirling into the night into the night sky Backdropped by the stark white clouds above the eruption was stunning and horrific at one time Mary Santa called for his wife He dropped to his knees and roared Vixen called in her she called in her sheep-like voice a single mournful blat Santa Heart distraught and weak with despair stood on tired legs He trudged through the snow to where Vixen stood at the head of the team She was not facing Santa instead. She gazed toward the stable as Santa drew closer She bladded again and stomped her forehoof Santa followed Vixen's gaze to the side of the stable. No Oh didn't please no Rudolph's head had been mounted on the side of the stables Heavy carpentry nails pinned his bloody fur to the wood His bulbous brilliantly red nose was gone Someone had hacked it from the reindeer's face Santa went to the disembodied head and crest its cheek Who has done this old friend? Squeaked a voice from around the corner Santa snapped his head in that direction to find a lone naughty lurking by the rear corner of the stable The faux elf's silver eyes radiated unnatural thoughts and icy calm The emaciated three-foot creature wore a tattered green schmock A gray pointed hat with a dead bell hanging from the tip Gray tights and brown boots with the tops rolled halfway down I yak do this The naughty hissed Yak's friends steal the jolly fat man's winch steal her away The naughty called yak tittered viley Escaped to the halls with her they have Santa wished to throttle the unholy imp, but he decided answers first. Where is Mary? Ow yak whispered Ow She is well for now But close must surrender He must promise to stop rewarding the good so that the bad may flourish Santa glared at the devil elf as understanding flooded him The children I rescued from that house the one you and your horde used to bait me yesterday They were only a distraction this all this was your plan all along Yak yak giggled and nodded I will not stand for this Santa bellowed correct You will not stand jolly man. We demand you fall Demand you finally remove your nose Yak gestured toward Rudolph's mangled snout from our business Santa barreled toward the tittering imp Yak did not flee He'd no long he'd no doubt been left here as nothing more than a suicidal messenger And would become the jolly elf And would welcome the jolly elf tearing him to shreds with his bare hands But Santa had other plans for the creature plans of which yak would most likely not approve Not in the least Limitations that how you say it okay chapter two Strap to vixens antlers with silver garland yak wailed at the head of the team as the slay rocketed over russia down across the black sea and to santa's place of birth Butara licea in the country of turkey In the century since santa had lived here patara Locally spelled p t t a r a Had been renamed Or in the greek a p o v On Although it was here that santa had been born He'd spent most of his teenage and adult years in the nearby town of myra demre Where he became famous for saving a trio of girls from a life of prostitution Santa offered their father and pimp who were one in the same a dowry in trade for their freedom The trade was accepted from that moment on santa would forever be known as a protector of children uh, that's the actual The the real santa claus that our santa claus is based on that's a that's a true story um It was at the edge of the pine tree forest that stretched between patara and myra that vixen landed the team The devil imp yak still thrashed and squealed where he was tied to her antlers ice and snow clung to yaks pale childlike face Hat rim and drab clothing, but the fall elf seemed no worse for wear santa jumped down from the sleigh and proceeded to tear the bindings from the yowling creature yak braced himself on vixen's antlers so as not to fall to the snowy ground You're coming with me imp said santa The naughty asked with a growl his silver eyes blazed with curiosity Don't you know santa inquired as he wrapped a bit of garland around the naughty's neck With his other hand he yanked his bag from the back of the sleigh and slung it over one shoulder We're here to see an old acquaintance of your kind Oh yak asked Who how where why what doesn't matter your kind has tricked me twice in 24 hours. It's time to surprise you This Is where you are bought correct? The naughty said with a boastful smile history lesson i learn No, nothing as simple as a history lesson imp The detour to this accursed wood truly has little to do with me When you raised my home and workshop to the ground killed rudolph and my elves and stole my wife Your kind made this matter beyond personal Now I require the aid of a monster greater than you and yours I'm held here speak Yak asked in a meek voice I got that wrong anyways santa had seen naughty's in pain and overcome with anger He'd seen them sickly happy and disgustingly proud But he had never seen one look as frightened as yak looked at this moment Yak's fear made santa warm inside Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise santa yanked the garland leash and yak fell from vixens antlers to crash into a drift of snow The naughty's mumbled curses until santa dragged him up and into the eternal woods Sorry eternal wood As the chubby elf led his prisoner through the pines he heard no signs of life for there was none to be heard The peoples of patara and myra had long stopped Venturing into this dark place where immortals could become disoriented after only a few steps and completely lost after several yards The woods welcomed new souls and kept them with dark magic Santa Claus was the only human to have escaped this land The eternal wood contained two types of creatures with which santa concerned himself A rare breed of flying reindeer and a species of goatmen long thought dead Flying reindeer were all but extinct themselves to this day. There are only eight in existence Poor Rudolph the son of vixen and comet was the first new birth the team had seen in in several hundred years Now he too was gone Below the wood lay another land in which no human had ever set foot santa only knew it by the name toyland a region of the Ether realm lorded over by a sentient evil embodied within misused and discarded play things Located inside the eternal wood Santa made sure to skirt any of the openings to the underground he came across Hollowed out trees and seemingly bottomless pits filled with the shimmering darkness of the void Although more than once he considered tossing yak into the darkness Why are we here santa claus yak asked his voice shaking with fear and cold Santa did not answer. He tugged the devil imp through the accumulated snow as flurries danced around them Here in the internal wood It was always snowing Where the snow and ever-present dull light drifting in through the boughs came from santa knew not He'd grown accustomed to not concerning himself with the magic of this realm Survival was all that mattered when one visited these woods As if to cement that fact something growled in the distance Santa stopped he could hear yaks knees knocking and teeth chattering. Who's out there spamming the hearts? Thank you I see him on my screen just drifting up. It's kind of cool As if to cement that fact Something growled in the distance santa stopped he could hear yaks knees knocking and teeth chattering I knew it chick named what? I gotta wait until the heart goes away before I can see it. She had the yeeks of a yuletide yak It's funny because you spelled it the same. Hey, zoop. You spelled it the same way. Uh, I do in the book It's yak y a y a k pause Man, this is a bad fit. Hang on. Uh, sorry guys Okay, that'll do That'll do all right Uh, he could hear yaks knees knocking and teeth chattering. Okay Joe yourself santa bellowed. I bear you. No ill will demon less The voice was like rolling thunder godlike saint Nicholas I this is one of my names one among many santa answered the disembodied voice You have courage beyond any man. I've known returning here You escaped me once A second time You might not be so lucky No emotion graced the voice only the monotone of an angry beast The statement was simply that a statement. There were no empty threats in this land only fact and death I brought you something to eat demon What's this? Yak shrieked. No Oh Is that a Notty you brought me Joe vality and hunger were starkly apparent in the voice The demon crampus stepped from behind a tree What magic had cloaked the he-beast santa did not know Because the demon was twice as wide as the tree and no less than eight feet tall The demon's body was covered from head to hoof in coarse grayish white wool Horn's blackest pitch jutted from each pointed ear Claw tipped fingers held close to the top of a black cloth black bag Which dangled in the pit of one massive arm The demon's square iris eyes glowed with many millennium's worth of experience and knowledge Crampus master of the eternal wood and guardian of the gates of toyland Snorted white plumes as he gazed down on the fat man in the red suit He seemed to especially eye the naughty who santa kept at the end of the garland leash Yack howled in terror Desired naughty one Tis a hungry me indeed Crampus drew his black bag Sorry crampus drew from his black bag a carving knife as long as santa's leg He spoke directly to the devil elf Been a century or two since i've had your kind for dinner And him over nicolas my stomach it would welcome this creature Crampus salivated thick ropes of drool The he be smeared the saliva across his woolly forearm First information then you eat You're no master of me Crampus snorted and stomped a hoof the ground shook Santa however was not shaken Last time i bested you demon i recall you pledging fealty You did not best me saint you stole from me You are nothing better than a common thief Crampus's great expulsion of words and breath parted santa's beard and flapped his wool lined hat like a flag in a hurricane Santa flipped his bag over his shoulder and dropped it to the ground The snow crunched under its weight. He pulled the jingle from his bag Crampus growled at the sight of the artifact The fist-sized silver bell lay at the end of a hollywood handle with an eyelet carved into the end Threaded through the eyelet was a necklace length bit of silver tinsel Once upon a fair ever ago the jingle had been crampus's property Now santa was the artifact's master First as a sign of good faith I offer this naughty as a down payment for information You will aid me in my quest The jingle will be yours if if you aid me in my quest the jingle will be yours once more Crampus seemed to consider santa's offer The no longer jolly old elf side the time is late demon This is no time for deliberation. I require a swift answer santa rang the jingle Crampus roared Accumulated snow rained from their beds of branch and leaf When the goat man saw that santa was non-plus at the emotional outburst Crampus calmly said I've no need for any of your offers santa go You bore me To santa's shock and chagrin crampus turned and stomped off into the trees where he vanished Come back here demon. I summoned thee to my feet santa rang the jingle The bell tinkled louder with every snap of the wrist until the soft tinkling became a gong like concophony Besides santa yak slapped his palms to his ears The naughty hollered for santa to stop but the creature's requests fell on deaf ears He wouldn't have been able to hear a train wreck over the din of the jingle Crampus appeared mere inches from santa the he-beast bent to all fours and glared into santa's eyes In those eyes santa could see eternity in all its constellations He saw joy and the creator. He saw the bastard and his shadowy legion santa witnessed the void and and all its cold emptiness Somewhere in there santa could hear the lamentations Of those wrapped in the withered and the crooning hymns of those damned to the romain In a largely mirthless voice crampus hissed between his teeth What do you wish from me santa? I wish for the keys on the map of the labyrinth known as the halls The naughty have stolen from me and I hold most and I hold most uh The naughty have stolen from me what I hold most dear and are keeping her there They murdered the kin of my reindeer. I can only assume my brother elves I wish to surprise the naughty in their keep and vanquish them to duck the halls with their entrails Crampus squinted at the fat man Is this all you require? Yes demon and in return for your services I offer this naughty yak and the return of your precious call bell What of the naughties? You quest to smite What of the corpses you leave in your wake? Santa noticed an opportunity previously unseen by him Do you do you wish to join me former truce? Why would I agree to such nonsense? Santa smiled All you can eat naughties That's why Crampus's face drew up in pain or perhaps a smile Santa didn't know which because he'd never seen the demon express express happiness or agony or any other emotion Then crampus licked his chops and santa knew he had struck pay dirt I agree With that crampus snatched up yak the naughty With that crampus snatched up yak the naughty Feet first no cramp with that crampus snatched up yak The naughty feet first took three bites to consume. Let me check my phone real quick Oh awesome awesome is nettle still here Hang on Hang on Okay. All right, so We have sold Hang on. Hang on. I've sold fog morning. So this is no longer up for sale many. Thanks to michael So this one's out I put this up here All right, so thank you to michael and thank you to ray and Oddly enough another michael Okay, all right. Good deal. All right. Let's get back to the story Oh Crampus could sing a really good rendition of your man Okay We got about 20 pages left we've already read 20 so it shouldn't be that long and then I'm gonna go because I got to take Dan to work But I will be back afterwards and we'll do something. I don't know Uh, all right chapter three Back aboard the sleigh with crampus stuffed into the seat next to him santa and his team dashed off into the twinkling sky The same magic that allowed santa to visit every christmas Celebrating family in the course of only a few hours one day out of the year was the same magic that had stalled time this evening No one mortal or immortal could stop time completely But clocks could be slowed out there in the normal world time dialed down to a crawl Over the Atlantic Ocean santa realized the demon had pointed his team west toward north america We hunt the halls demon not america santa reminded the snorting he beast Do you know a more saltable land for the naughty to call home? I know little of the naughty's motivations I understand they would like to see me dead, but have no way of killing me You boast erringly saint the jingle grants you immortality outside of the eternal wood But not within Yak could have killed you at any time Crampus intoned his voice a rumbling subwoofer If it were not for the jingle, I would have torn you limb from limb Towards brave of you saint bringing that creature to me as an offering I Figured the naughty know as little of me as they as I know of them. It seems I was right Yak tried nothing and his cowardice saw you fed this night Crampus chuckled He was delicious young too little over two centuries old a tender morsel The naughty races older than any calendar can date The first of their kind predates even panchia They are almost as old as the eternal wood There are rumors that they originated in toiland Do not speak of that place Santa spat I will not have mention of that abomination filled land the naughty no longer reside there. They ever did So that land does not concern me You might one day stand at the gates. I guard saint When that day comes, I will allow you entrance without question A reminder that nothing lasts forever does a soul good Crampus laughs softly, but said nothing else for the duration of their flight The team sat down in utah's salt flats Mountains rose up in the distance from the mandible of a great monster intent on swallowing the night The moon's cyclopean gaze seemed to follow the chubby elf and his godish companion As the former hopped out of the sleigh and a ladder merely stepped down Crampus led santa a few feet from the team before opening his black sack and rummaging around inside From the bag crampus pulled a length of wood as long as santa's arm and twice as round Crampus held the log before him and the tip glowed like a lit cigarette What do you wield demon? A ulog saint the old magic before your time Santa inclined his head slowly in response Complete and total silence accompanied the duo as they strode out into the salted landscape Whenever the ulog dimmed crampus changed course until the log struck bright again Santa likened this old magic to that of a divining rod's power Only instead of water the ulog hunted the naughty Or the halls which santa was unsure A dozen yards from the sleigh the ulog burst into flame Crampus seemed unaffected by the blaze which swallowed his hand where it held the wood Stand back saint Santa stopped where he stood a few feet from the demon He watched his crampus stuff the still burning log into the black sack White smoke drifted up and around crampus's wool covered arm as the he-beast dug inside the bag The demon withdrew a single round christmas ornament painted a glittering red She said she had to go who nettles yeah, I think nettles left Someone tell derrick to scrub. He's way too far back Crampus squeezed the decoration to dust with his mighty clawed hand and blew the particulates off his palm As he exhaled the demon twisted as if he were an oscillating fan Spreading crushed glass over a wide area Hang on. Hang on. I gotta I gotta cough Okay, sorry again Okay, here we go. All right the ground drink Okay, I'm hydrating. I'm hydrating the ground began to quake. So crampus has blown the dust I don't I don't want to call you guys short memory or anything But I just want to make sure we're on the same page. He blew the crushed up ornament all over the place There we go Or not. Oh, sorry. I forgot to mute. That's nasty Is it the drink making me cough every time I take a drink I get choked up Uh anyways The ground began to quake santa reached for support and found nothing Crampus however stood tall and non-plussed back then. Okay. Also. This is an error Because for the long the longest time I thought non-plussed was not surprised It was just another word for that But it's actually when you pretend to be surprised and you're actually not so Yeah, we all make mistakes But it was after this one that I found out because so many people message me is like Do you realize do you know what non-plussed means? I was like, uh, maybe Hang on Just want to make sure I'm not missing any messages or Yeah, I have a I have tea in there and I have hot honey which has cayenne pepper in it I've been using that also, but I just had some before I came out here. That's why I was doing so well and then non-plussed God damn it anyways Uh Yeah, crampus however stood tall and non-plus. He not surprised Four pearl white dork columns rose from the ground forming a perfect square The salted earth was unmarked by the column's ascension Come seat Crampus stepped between two of the columns and vanished Santa followed The chubby elf walked through what he could only assume was a dimensional rift And found himself upon a platform of sorts looking out into desolate space and the galaxies beyond Looking around santa saw that utah was gone Only the void lay outside the columns After the span of half a minute the columns seemed to lengthen It was then santa realized that he stood not upon a platform, but an elevator He and crampus were descending to some unknown realm In all his days santa had rarely been unsure But he felt uneasy even a bit frightened now This was not his realm realm and the idea of its alien magic made his blood run cold Santa mustered courage and glanced over the edge making sure his head did not travel past the invisible wall of the columns The halls lay below in all their confusing glory Great stone walls and vibrant green hedgerows lighted by torches and sconces dashed this way and that at hard angles The telltale grid pattern of a labyrinth of a labyrinth was clearly visible But this was no child's attraction Santa took in the sight with more than a little awe He thought he'd seen it all But this was so shockingly fresh so terribly new that he forgot for a moment why he was here Crampus sling in the ulog my log hunts the naughty walls too Ah damn it Derek He still needs to scrub he is way back anyways At the egress of the labyrinth was a dome structure beyond that nothing but never ending black I'm coming mary No, sorry. I'm coming mary santa whispered. It still doesn't sound right The subtle reminder was enough for him to back away from the edge and quell his appreciation for the structure below. You're caught up. Okay Crampus chuckled What you humans will do for love so much for so little Love is not such a little thing Companion shit brings joy. It stays off the darkness. It is why I do what I do For god so loved the world He lied to keep it safe You are quite morose for man who has known tenderness said crampus It is only in sadness that we can truly appreciate happiness now silence demon. I care not for the sound of your voice Moments later the elevator came to a gentle stop before the ivy clad walls of the howls halls howls The howls. Yes like queen The unnamed main gate which from the smell was made of iron banded pinewood Stood proudly at over 50 feet tall 10 feet taller than the labyrinth's walls Crawling the face of the gate were bowling ball sized bulbs of poisonous mistletoe Braided into the mistletoe were bows of holly You get the breath okay, uh santa and crampus approached the gate heart music floating on the air from parts unknown Somewhere a creature spat and hissed like a cat What was that santa asked? guards I would suspect Said crampus You do not know Despite what you believe saint I have been outside of the eternal wood during my existence Perhaps I have knowledge of all things Because I have knowledge of all things does not mean I carry with me the experience of those things I am in the dark as much as you are as to the inner workings and defenses of this place Santa side Do you have a way of opening the gates without answering crampus pulled a piece of parchment from his bag This is the map you sought santa took the map across the top was written the halls of falala In the center was the raised grid of the labyrinth santa had seen from the elevator Scrawled on the bottom with the words Heedless of the wind and weather we stand tall What means this santa asked the demon as he pointed to the final line of the map It means what it says No storm kind or fierce may open these doors if they do not wish to be opened No matter I suppose santa said I've made a career of squeezing into locked places What of me then crampus growled Would you deny me my prize Calm down. You will be joining me inside demon Santa lay his sack on the stony ground and undid the ties He pulled the sack's fur lined mouth wide and smiled up at the he-beast Step inside for us now. That's a good boy The goat man did not seem amused But he stepped in With crampus secreted away in the sack and the bag back over sent a shoulder The chubby elf lay a finger beside his nose and with a twitch became as thin as paper Two-dimensional santa claws and his bag slipped between the gates of the halls with little trouble Once on the other side santa stuck his thumb in his mouth and blew Inflating once more for his previously to his previously pudgy self Who go there? Who go there? Inquired a voice even deeper than crampus. No, sorry Who goes there? Inquired a voice even deeper than crampuses Me not no Chew Santa slowly turned his head to find a massive troll stomping its way toward him santa had not heard the footsteps before now and assumed the troll had been at the end of this first hall waiting for intruders Crampus had to tie a political sack. Yes, he did The monster was almost as tall as the halls themselves and just as wide The skin was gunmetal gray, but its eyes glowed a fiery yellow as if its skull was nothing more than a jack-o-lantern Though the troll was naked a substantial gut adequately covered the thing's private parts The troll was so large that it had to it had to skip sideways a bit in order to move along the corridor Which slowed the thing considerably and gave its progression towards santa a comedic effect Same way joyous all together The troll bellowed as he came with haste santa drew open his sack and poured crampus out onto the stones Crampus rolled over once before shoving to his feet stretching to his full height Crampus faced the stomping troll once again the giant bellowed Crampus responded The troll slid to a stop and fell snoring into sleep What weird magic santa said amazed One creature's lyric is another one's charm Crampus gave santa another painful-looking smile Lead the way saint The labyrinth proved no challenge with the map. They easily navigated the stone walls and hedgerows therein Twice they came upon piles of bones and once upon an entire skeleton santa recognized the woman by her head by her head gear Amelia Earhart Said santa This is a place of mysteries and lost things Legend tells to check the rippers in here somewhere as well added crampus When he was a child, I brought him a doctor set for christmas wooden surgery instruments inside Probably not the best choice now that I've had time to think about it crampus chuckled toward medically upon the surface The word had been carved into the wood at about an elf's eye level Santa surmised and naughty had cut the word into the door He glanced up at crampus the demon seemed as perplexed as the elf I know nothing of this Said crampus Why does that bother me? It bothers me as well Crampus lay a hand upon the doorknob and tested it The doorknob did not turn It is warm. It should not be warm Said crampus What does that mean? asked santa I do not know but I assure you when we are done with our business here I will make it of great import to find out santa nodded in the duo pressed on Crampus doesn't like a warm knob God damn it Haley All right if I drink this and start coughing I'm just gonna have to not hydrate anymore The main door to the naughty's keep was made entirely of silver and shaped like the jingle santa kept in his bag Santa pulled the artifact from his sack and rang it with a snap of his wrist The door creaked inward From the opening issued the sounds of battle Squeals of pain, howls of rage, the clink and crash of armaments, the splatter of blood Without a word between them santa and crampus shoved through The scene was utter chaos Naughty corpses littered the floor of the domed antechamber Pews were tossed this way and that with even more bodies draped over and crushed beneath them It seemed the crowd had been caught during worship of some kind Or perhaps a ritual A great skylight overhead showcased the never-ending void beyond A bloodied naughty dressed in drab elven garb stumbled from between a set of columns Not unlike the one santa had seen on the elevator The unholy imp's face had been smashed to pulp The naughty howl does it crash to its knees before santa It spat blackened teeth onto the floor Chashes suck Of what do you speak devil imp? Asked santa Santa snatched the naughty up by one arm Who? Who did you let in? The naughty dangled and sobbed Santa glanced at crampus Does he mean what I think he means? Tis possible saint, the denizens of toyland cannot survive outside of the eternal wood There is no magic No, tis impossible, not possible There is no magic to sustain them Gone beyond they have Trash screamed Crampus dropped to all fours and barreled into the shadows from which trash had stumbled Santa stayed behind with the naughty called trash What of my wife held spawn? What of Mary? Santa shook the dangling imp Sobbed the naughty called trashed Santa's blood flashed to a boil What have you done to my Mary? Santa dashed trash against the nearest column Until he was sure the unhelpful devil was dead Then he followed crampus into the shadows Santa burst forth into a hellish landscape of rubble and ruin The sky was blood red and the city beyond santa believed Sorry, the sky was blood red and beyond the city Santa believed he saw the pine trees of the eternal wood Where was he? This couldn't be toyland Unless, to Santa's right, an archaic drag-along horse pulled by a shambling 100-foot-tall baby doll Crushed a building under its massive wooden wheels Up and down each street carnage ensued Green army men mowed down a throng of fleeing naughties with machine gun fire Red monkeys danced upon blue barrels steamrolled Red monkeys dancing upon blue barrels steamrolled over scurrying silver-eyed imps A teddy ruckspin mauled a fallen creature while a my pet monster strangled another with the chain of his orange handcuffs Misfit toys, forgotten playthings, and items that had been labeled throughout the years as too dangerous for children roamed the naughties homeland Destroying everything in their wake On the gigantic pine tree in the city square heads served as ornaments Entrails strung from each branch like garland Santa thought that maybe yak had gotten off lucky Krampus was nowhere to be seen, but stalking up the street was a toy from Santa's own youth The sight of it gave Santa a horribly confusing feeling of nostalgia mixed with fright The toy glared at Santa with dead, wooden eyes Its brightly painted red-and-blue uniform shone in the glow of the street lamps Its shockingly white, comically large teeth perpetually grinned Judding from the toy's head was a stove-pipe hat with a silver-speckled rim Claws! the nutcracker called Its slat of a mouth working like that of a ventriloquist dummies The delivery of its words was a mechanical thing How good of you to join us A naughty ran screaming from an alleyway and right into the flank of the man-sized nutcracker The nutcracker, jerking like a steam engine, hefted the imp aloft, then drew it close With a mighty snap and crunch, the nutcracker bit the creature in half Guts spilled from the halved torso The naughty's legs kicked once, twice, then were still The nutcracker's mouth jacked up and down There's a lot of innuendo in here that I did not catch Nutcracker's mouth jacked up and down Gores spilled from the space between Chewing the nutcracker waved We've been waiting for you Where is my wife? Where is Mary? Asked Sana She's in good hands If Sana didn't know any better, he'd have thought the nutcracker's smile had become whiter Return her to me We know your secrets, Claus Give us the jingle and you can have your wife And what if I refuse? You will, finally, know death And if I kill you first, unlikely, highly, un- Before the nutcracker could complete his sentence Sana dashed forward with all the speed of an elf He stuffed both- Hang on, hang on, I gotta take this Okay, sorry about that Is someone checking up for an update? Okay, before the nutcracker could complete his sentence Damn it All right, hang on, I'm getting that wheeze again All right, well, good news, sorry I mean, let me take a drink Well, so Door Dash just got back to me Through email, I'm ready to dash So that's uh, this is oddly sexual Fuck off, Derek Yeah, I know all the- Yeah, yeah If I was a bigger, bigger channel That would be all over Reddit Okay, here we go Highly unlikely Highly un- Before the nutcracker could complete his sentence Sana dashed forward with all the speed of an elf He stuffed both hands and the toys working jaws Though the mouth was slippery with warm blood Sana's grip was firm He held the mandible in place while shoving on the upper jaw The nutcracker clicked and clacked As Sana snapped off the upper section of the head Timber said Santa as a nutcracker clattered to the floor Before him lay the chaos of war Let me catch my breath, the coughing fit really got me They just keep getting worse and worse I need to take another mucinex I can almost access emojis here Why wouldn't you be able to access emojis? Anyway, before him lay the chaos of war Burning and gutted buildings Streets reduced to rubble Murderous toys Fleeing naughty In the forefront of it all A regiment of nutcrackers hell-bent on revenge Row after row of them Hundreds in number Their wooden bodies clicked and groaned Mouth snapped and clacked Behind him lay escape Though there was but one option for the old elf He went to their fall He went to their fallen cromrad Bent and ripped an arm from its socket Santa, sorry, standing Santa said I'm coming Mary Club in hand Old Saint Nick flew headlong into battle That's literally the cliffhanger I made people wait an entire year for So the next one is beyond the gates of Toiland But I gotta take Dan to work So we'll chat for another 20 minutes or so Santa's from Grip I was a young virgin boy when I- No I'm kidding I cannot believe I missed all those awkward ass lines About I'm coming Mary I'm coming Mary Nutcrackers This nonsense All that stuff Ah So how are you enjoying the story guys Boy discord is on fire Okay, note to self When editing my story Proof read for awkward I do those things That's the funny part Is that Ooh Eva enjoying E's story Hang on She was chilling up on the cat Tower That's cool Thanks for posting that Hailey Oh my chest hurts It's just because of the coffin Don't worry about it All right cool So my background check came back clean I mean what is it gonna find Uh No I see coming in new windows all the time Most people innocently read right over there Probably a Yule log hunting the naughty Yeah Yeah I didn't- None of that stuff clicked in my head And it should have Because I make those in new windows all the time But need some Ludin's cough I have some I don't know if they'll help But they sure taste good They do taste good We also have another version of halls That I can't remember what flavor they're supposed to be But they literally taste like bedbath and beyond candle smell Like when you walk into confirm sir Thank you Thank you Wayne I appreciate it Maybe get a bigger coffin But I will be back after we get home Probably after seven I will be back and I will come back and I'll read Unless you guys prefer to wait until tomorrow But you guys sent me so I want to give you guys content Just to show y'all I love you and appreciate you And once again everything here And I know I know a lot of you are sitting out there going I don't want to buy from his collection It's okay I'm not I haven't read anything in six months Really that you know nothing that really stood out And blew me away So non-plus Just joining out to hey Sean How you doing? I'm the king of Inuit as you are Yeah I always say that's what she said And laugh myself silly Yeah I'm responding once again All right king you window So you're going through this You can't imagine Yeah, thanks Sean I'm good Everybody came through for me So I'm good all the way up until With another person If they will allow me to Tell you all about it I'm good all the way up until March now So Before today We probably would have been homeless in January And that's not even exaggeration Because we have nowhere to go So What can I do to help I know you already own all of my books You want to buy anything? Everything on the screen Is purchasable All my limited editions Everything So So Plague Streams Let's see here When can we get back to it? They got to be working 11 We can get back to it tomorrow In between If I finish You don't care Okay, so Derek helped me out with February So we're good until March Plague Streams will continue Now that I have a little Breathing room To find a job I got the Door Dash job So yeah I don't know how much I'm going to make I don't even know how busy This town is I have no idea But I'm going to find out The Georgie Funko With the blue water Oh, the one with the whole diorama I can't sell that one Because it was a gift Hey, you're talking about the one with Georgie And it's like a diorama With Pennywise and the sewer You're talking about that one? I can't sell that one, unfortunately Is it on the screen? I don't even see it You probably just remember it Yeah, I don't want to sell any of my gifts These things mean the world to me And the only way I'm going to get rid of them Is if I literally have nothing else That I can do Even though I'm sure the people who sent them Would understand You know, what we're going through So Yeah, I've sold about 10 books today And there's been so many donations Absolutely blew me away So Anyways, we'll finish We'll finish this either tomorrow Or maybe I'll go live here Finish that story And then Hang on Oh, yeah, yeah That all of this stuff All my nightmare stuff is gifts from my kids So they're definitely not going anywhere 1,100 or so Yeah, but you gotta realize I live in Bumfuck, Egypt Derek I live in a town with 23,000 people The closest big city is an hour away from me That's Montgomery How attached? Which one? This one? I'll sell all my, uh You talking about this one? I'd have to get at least Oh, man, considering what I paid for it I'd have to get at least I want at least 100 Because I spent 325 on it Because I bought it after market Um Yeah, at least at least 100 In a similar size city, really? So you want this one I'll let this go for a hundred dollars It's signed and numbered, too, by Joe Hill And, uh, Gabriel, the illustrator So I'll let it go for 100 But it's gotta be plus tax, too And this thing's like 20 pounds by itself I could work out with that thing if I wanted to But I will send you a receipt That shows all the pricing on it So you know exactly how much you're spending So, uh, for shipping I would much Once again, I would much prefer to sell all of this stuff Than I would donations I'm making that clear I feel bad buying, um, from you in this situation Oh, no, please don't Please don't This is just stuff I have rebuilt this collection twice I have no problem rebuilding it again If I get into a position where I can rebuild it Ugh, p-pango? Hmm, I ain't know you were that far from Unger Yeah, I'm about- I'm more like 45 minutes But it depends on traffic And there's always traffic on 65 Wait, why'd you say- oh, never mind Have you tried listing any Pangolin books? Pango books? What do you mean? Oh, is that like a book-selling site? How about that Halloween mug I always use? Uh, Halloween mug I have my Halloween Krampus one I have my loser mug I do have a trick-or-treat themed coffee mug But I only spent $10 on it at Spirit So, but yeah, if you want an auxility I don't know if it'd be worth it But worth even shipping When you can just run down to Spirit Or even order it off Spirit for $10 Uh, look up Pango books Think you would get better money for your books It's super easy All right, let me go ahead and open up that tab now Pango- Pango The first thing that came up was Pangolins Just like the typo Your own little bookstore I wonder how much they charge and fees All right, thank you, thank you, Zeely That's another fantastic option We got eight more minutes Anything else you guys want to talk about before I go? Thank you all again Thank you so much for being here Supporting me, all that stuff My family, thank you We all appreciate it And also, it's a little cheaper As far as living expenses now Because Dan's got the job They're taking care of all of their stuff So it's only the three of us that I have to worry about It's only me, Shell, and Chris So Pangolins No, that's Langolins Langolins A pangolin is what started COVID, wasn't it? Oh, it's a theory Never mind, let me not spread that bullshit Pangolins are cute But there's a certain subsect of empty-headed folks Who are spreading some stuff That's what I just read So, here's what I'm trying to eat How much for your turkey call water jug? A hundred and fifty thousand But I'll take small incremental payments of a dollar Which C-word did I say? I don't even know what I said, a C-word? It's okay if the video Okay, live videos really don't make much off of ad revenue They make more off of premium and donation super chats and memberships and all that stuff Oh, okay, I got you No, they stopped doing that ages ago, Haley It's okay You can talk about it now without a problem Okay I could have swore there was more than 20 likes No, it was 15, never mind I thought it was 25 Anyways, you guys are awesome today Thank you again Thank you forever But yeah, COVID, you can talk about that all you want now In fact, one of the videos that isn't demonetized Is my We Need to Talk About Holly And I mentioned that numerous times So it's all good Love you, you gotta go All right, Zeely, you'll email me later? Cool, thank you Love you, lady Bye-bye All right And bookable, it is what it is It's not the first time it's happened to me But I thought we were set for at least the rest of my life I thought we were taken care of And then everything hit at once Projects fell through And then this morning I find out that my social security got turned off So I'm not even getting my insurance or my checks Which were small, but they were something So anyways All right, I guess I'll go ahead and go Since everybody's saying bye already Love y'all, for real I mean that from the bottom of my heart Thank you And I will keep you guys updated on Discord and over here I will be streaming again Let's just do it tomorrow So I can get my throat arrest I'll stream for a little bit I'll stream here for a little bit And then I'll go over to Twitch And we'll continue on with a Plague Tale Requiem Okay, thanks bookable Y'all have a good night You're welcome, Hailey And I'll finish this up tomorrow afternoon Hopefully you can be here for it All right See y'all But until next time I have been E, you have been U This has been another Livestream I'll talk to you guys tomorrow Love you, bye