 Welcome to Dare to Dream. This is Debbie Daschinger. Thank you for joining me here at this podcast and radio show, as well as YouTube video. So so many ways that you can enjoy the show. And I ask you folks, thank you for the amazing comments you leave, by the way. I love knowing what resonates with you and why. So trust me, I read all your comments. Thank you for that. And if you love the show, please give us a five star review and subscribe. The show will come right into your inbox on a weekly basis. And you'll be the top at the food chain to be able to see who and what is sharing with you this week. So I should have brought my big red nose. I have one of those big red noses because I had some surgery on my back this week. I had a little bit of sun issue, right? Like a little bit of pre-cancer stuff. And so I thought it was gonna be like a little bloop, but it turned out to be like more the shape of an eye. And in all my vanity, it's gonna be a two inch scar on my back. Super not happy about that because it's where you could see if I wear tank tops or summer dresses. But to make myself feel better, I got one of those big red noses and I was walking around calling myself Patch Dashinger. So if you remember that Robin Williams movie, you'll appreciate the reference. Have to make light of things. And I think there's been like a lot of shifting going on. And I think next week Dr. John D. Martini is coming on. He's coming to Los Angeles and his team reached out and he wants to come on and talk about overcoming fear, which I think is a fabulous conversation. So welcome to Dare to Dream and as you can see, every show is pretty much cool and your number one transformation conversation. I wanna thank first off Dr. Dane here for sponsoring this show. Dr. Dane here and Access Consciousness do some extraordinary energy work and healing work out into the world. If you feel like a definitely different person, Dare to Dream, Debbie Dashinger, definitely different. You're in the right company. Go ahead and check them out. Dr. Dane here, D-A-I-N-H-E-E-R.com as well as Access Consciousness.com. They've got classes all over the world. Very highly recommended. And I've got an amazing guest here today who is Rachel Kaplan. And besides daring to make your inner dreams a reality, she talks about healing your shit. So we're going there. And if you've ever thought about what your core wound might be, this is our guest today, Rachel Kaplan. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist and the creator and host of the Feeling, Healing Shit Show podcast. Rachel was trained in cutting edge Western psychological technologies as well as ancient spiritual and healing modalities of Eastern religions. Her therapeutic shit show offers a relatable and humorous approach to real healing. Rachel has a thriving practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and you can learn more about her and her show at thehealingfeelingshitshow.com. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, welcome to Dare to Dream. It is so great to have you at your shit show. Thank you for having me. I'm so glad to be here. This is so awesome. I mean, I love the fact that we even started there. How did you have the audacity to name your show Shit and Healing Feeling Shit Show? I have the audacity because our digestive system, the fact that we shit and that everyone shits is the single best metaphor to understand how we need to relate to our emotional system. And I think it's hilarious. I personally like making light of things, having fun. I think what's the point of healing if we don't enjoy our lives? And what is life if not a shit show? What is healing if not a shit show? And when I talk about how we relate to our literal shit, my clients light up and people get it and every single person, whether they're a Republican or a CEO or whatever they are, they shit. And also all of us have emotional pain. And so I'm saying, hey guys, let's get real with this. Let's get skilled at having our emotional pain so we actually can heal and enjoy our lives. And in case anybody didn't get it, of course your logo is literally a pile of poop with a big smile on it. Yeah, and people are always like, it's a kissing poop. I'm like, that's just pretty, I've found a pretty poop. Yeah, it's my face right next to a poop emoji. And I think there's hook, there's pizzazz, my jingle, which was the first thing I did once I decided to make a podcast. It ends in a flush. That's a really good jingle. That's so hilarious. I had a friend in college who was one of the funniest people, one of the brightest and funniest people I'd ever met. We're both in theater arts together. And he used to make up these ridiculous outgoing voicemail messages. And one of them was, hi, this is Jerry, no, this time it's a really serious message. Have a good day, leave me a message. And as soon as it right before it went beep, you heard the toilet sound. We got that in there. That's great. That's when you thought he was for real. So, emotional potty training for grown-ups, you're talking about the relationship between our bodily function and then emotional potty training. How does that correlate? Right, so let's say, Debbie, whether it was this morning or this afternoon or tomorrow or tonight, whenever it is, when you have to take your next shit, when you get that signal, I'm not saying this already, I just wanna say I'm so with you. Good, so you're gonna get a feeling in your body that you've been trained to identify. Now, when you get that feeling, are you gonna say to yourself, hmm, maybe I'm hungry or maybe I should post something fabulous and get some likes or maybe if I buy a new shirt or call my boo, I won't have that feeling. Do you think those thoughts when you get that signal from your body that you have to shit? I know. No, what do you do? What do you think? What do I think? Like relief, I suppose. Yeah, like you gotta go poop, right? We can get on with our day, yeah. But the first step is you go to the bathroom and you shit, right? First of all, obviously we can say shit on your show, you've been saying it for minutes. This will be marked explicit. So that's the thing. So we know because we were actually potty trained that when we get the signal from our bodies that we need to shit, that that's the only thing that will make us not need to shit. Now, when it comes to emotional pain and emotions, first of all, take off the letter E off the word emotion. What do you have? Right, emotion. Right, so emotion. It literally means to move. I like that people use energy, but I don't know if that's actually inherent in the Latin or not, but either way it's like movement is included. And when we get the signal from our bodies, and my definition for emotion is intense clusters of sensation, rolling in squats. So we got these like, you know, movements of heat. Let's say you're angry, you feel heat. You feel maybe tension in your limbs or clenching in your face or your fists. It's sensation, right? A heartache literally will be a heaviness in the chest, a trembling of the face. When we get those signals as non-emotionally potty trained grown-ups or teenagers or elders, we do everything we can. We think to distract ourselves, we watch something, we read something, we buy something, we eat something, smoke something, drink something, try to get validation. Basically, the way I see it is our culture and our world is funded by us believing that we can outrun our emotions and consume them away, distract them away. And so what that leaves, what I see is that we have, you know, a world full of people who have no idea how to deal with their pain. And, you know, they're addicted, they're depressed, they're anxious, they have imposter syndrome. And basically the only way, and I think they're very similar, just like the pooping system or the sweating system is a means of our body to create homeostasis, the emotional system is the same where something happens, we have a feeling, the thing that relieves the feeling is letting the feeling move through us, like a poop. And so it should be easy, but it's not because we've all spent decades burying amounts of decades, avoiding the feelings. And so my shit show is a step-by-step course of understanding how did you get this way and how do you actually restore your body's capacity to move your feelings so you can regain well-being, really be who you are, and have what I call emotional resilience, which I think is absolutely 100% better than happiness, because if you're emotionally resilient, you're probably happy most of the time. But what it is, is it's a sense of, whatever life throws at me, because we know life's gonna throw shit at us, because that's what life is, we're gonna die, right? Whatever life throws at me, I can handle it because I can move all of my feelings, my fear, my heartbreak, my shame, my pain through me like a poop. So to me it's like the silver bullet, it's a thing that actually heals people, and unless your emotions can move, I think you can't be well. Yeah, so there's a few things I wanna say about that. And yes, we are in a society that does not honor, for the most part, feelings, and has a big thing about suppressing them and not expressing them. I also wanna say that as a metaphysician, one of the things I don't like that is pretty pervasive out there is there are many metaphysicians, law of attraction, people who say, well, you choose, you decide, right? So you don't have to feel that way. And I actually take exception to that because I think we feel what we feel, and I think that the true healing, exactly as you're saying, is that something is allowed to flow through us. When it doesn't, and it gets locked inside, we're volcanic, right? Heating on something really big. And one of the things I've noticed, so I don't like that, and I'll put that off to the side. And I agree with you. Yeah. I think it's like putting a sticker on a pile of poop. You're like, you put your affirmation on all this pain, but it's like, it doesn't, even if it's a scratch and sniff sticker, it's still gonna smell like shit. Totally, yes. So it's alarming to me because those are the very people, the sensitive people, the people are looking for healing, right? Who actually should be supportive of it. And nobody's saying wallow in it. We're just saying heal through it, right? By using it. Feel it out. And the other thing that I think is very interesting about emotion and energy and motion or emotion is that, you know, it can get locked up without us even knowing it. This can be ancient, ancient stuff that we at some point in our life didn't deal with and we're completely not even subconsciously aware of it. So how do you deal with that? Cause that's pretty big stuff to unearth. Yeah, that's a great question. And the first, as soon as I, my first opening episode is like, come on board, have your feelings. But the next step is really looking at how do we get wounded and how do we heal from that? And it's very much what you're talking about about this experience of locked up. And I actually use the metaphor of locking certain parts of us in a basement closet. So what I see as the root of that is, you know, there's lots of roots, right? And we can look at past lives and depending on, you know, you get pretty far out here. So that's cool. But in just in any human life, a baby is so dependent and so vulnerable that it is biologically wired to need the closeness, proximity and care of a parent as much as it needs food. Because if it doesn't have that, it won't have food, right? Our survival depends on this need to feel close to our caregiver. And so as little animals, we're just constantly tracking what makes us lose care. And so it might be as simple as, you know, a mom becomes vacant when the baby starts crying, looks overwhelmed, the baby starts to get, oh, I lose mom if I cry. As we age and we learn language and all these other things, there's so many signals, both subtle and, you know, overt where we're being told, don't be that way, boys, don't cry. Don't walk on your toes like that. You shouldn't, whatever it is. And so we're so wired, and this is the foundation of attachment theory in therapy or in psychology, we're so wired to need that that we start doing whatever we can to push those parts down. And that's, I think, the origin of impostor syndrome is, you know, it makes sense that we need to do that because we need to feel loved. And it also makes sense, and it was one of my favorite theories in grad school, I won't get really into it, but that we need to think it was our fault because when you're that vulnerable child, you have two options, basically, of how to perceive reality. You can either realize you're vulnerable, you're innocent, and the people you depend on for food and shelter are not trustworthy, so you're fucked. Is it okay that I say fucked? That's a little bit higher than shit. It happened. Or the other option is you can think that it was somehow your fault, you were bad, and if you become good, if you do things well enough, then you'll keep the love you need. And so most people are walking around with some disenfranchised experience or side of themselves that's locked down, like you said, and thinking that it's their fault, thinking that somehow that aspect of them, whether it's just an emotion or some expression of them, makes them unlovable. And so, you know, the simplest way to say, how do I deal with that is, first of all, I mean, I use the metaphor of you gotta go down into the creaky, dank, dark, scary basement where you've locked all these parts up and they're rotting, because imagine even a plant in a dark closet is going to rot, let alone little kid parts, but you have to open the door, watch fumes fly out, and then back away and introduce yourself. Hi, I'm Debbie, dashing her. And I know you shouldn't, you don't trust me because I've been a shit to you, because in the beginning we can blame our parents, who were doing their best, by the way, but eventually we cultivate the consciousness to do that repression ourselves. And so, we have to start by very gently approaching these parts and saying, I want to know you. I want, I'm gonna turn you into, I wanna take you out of scapegoat, the thing that I'm avoiding, the thing that I have repulsion from, to VIP, to the most important part of my life, I'm gonna check on you. And I have all kinds of like actual practical steps that people can do, things like making a picture of yourself as a kid, your home screen, the age where you feel the least lovable. So every time you see it, you're like, oh, there I am, and I'm cute and awkward. And also people around you are like, who's that? Yeah, or like asking it what it wants to eat and starting to tune into what is this part of you need? And the process of healing this part is it's almost like these parts of us didn't develop with the rest of us. And so in order to realize who we are, these badass, amazing people we are as grown-ups, and in order for us to feel like that's actually who we are versus we're a cover-up for that wounded, unlovable secret in the basement, we need to incorporate them. And it's really at the heart of it, it's about giving care, it's about tuning in. And then the main crux of what they need other than care and attention and contact is to be able to have enough support to release the backlog of emotional pain that they've been sitting with and unable to feel because they're repressed. And so the heart of the shit show is actual steps on how do you move each of the core emotions? How do you work with the pain? How do you create the connection with that part that's holding the pain? And then how do you actually move the pain enough so that it starts releasing just decades of shit and it can come into being where we feel whole and integrate in like I'm actually a badass. Right, and you know the reintegration part is really fascinating. Obviously it can't happen without the expression that got locked away that you're talking about and the reintegration is actually akin to what shamans do and they do that thing called soul retrieval, right? If something happens, we choose not to feel or deal, we split off from it, where did that go? But we carry on somehow, but we're really not whole because that piece is still here in that moment in time. And so what some shamans do is pretty spectacular is they go back and retrieve this. So, right, we become whole and woven together. And... Yeah, I've had that experience. I have as well, and I have to like no joke, right? Deep, deep like life movement. Yeah. Rids of life that get completely unwound and reconfigured by virtue of working with somebody like that is free time. Sorry, go ahead. I was just gonna say, one thing I think that's powerful about this work is I'm really, and this is a very personal path through me, but I came into this work. I had a mentor and a healer who really, after 25 years of studying the healing path because of a tragedy that happened in my life when I was 14, I just was devoted to it. But this work specifically was the most useful thing for me. And I think what's so powerful about it is it's teaching someone how to do it for themselves. And I think that it's so useful to have help. And he was helping me for sure. And shamans and people who have these gifts, it's so useful. But I think that if we don't know how to integrate it, if we don't know how to do that for ourselves, if we don't actually learn how to move the emotions and how to find ourselves in some way for ourselves, then we end up in either codependence or we end up kind of with a vision of what's possible for us, but not really able to actualize it. I like the slow and steady wins the race vibe. Right, you like the turtle deal. Yeah, I didn't know ways. I was like big, you know, but this guy was like, oh no, highs and lows, you know? Cause we end up just on a, then we just chase the intensity, right? Instead of just slowing down and tuning in and learning how to become subtle enough and skilled enough and strong enough to feel our fucking pain. Yeah, it's huge right now. Like to be alive in this day and to say, it's okay to just sit in this. Yeah. I don't even care if you give yourself five minutes to feel what's literally going on. If you're gonna have five minutes without looking at your phone, you're pretty much a master. No food, no gambling, no sex, no TV, no like her, just B. It's a big deal. Yeah. I want you to explain to people, I understand imposter syndrome and I think it's fascinating. Just explain to them what that means so they can track what you're talking about. Yeah. So what I mean by it is a sense of, like someone might be incredibly successful and skilled at what they do. They might be high in the ranks of a company or they may have all the money. A good example might be Anthony Bourdain or Robin Williams, like someone from the outside where it looks like they have it all but they are sitting with, or you if you're the person which I'm at, are sitting with a sense of if people knew me well enough they would know that I'm actually full of it, that I'm hiding this thing, that I don't actually deserve this. And what I see is that work and success and validation are such natural candies that we go to. There's such, kind of they're almost what we want and need. We wanna feel, I think the core wound is around, am I worthy? Am I okay? Am I enough? And therefore, based on that, do I belong? Am I accepted here? Do I belong in this family? Am I wanted? But it's really about like, am I enough to belong? And so it's such a natural impulse to chase validation and success and all these external means but if there's no place for it to land, that's when you get into people who are just working to the bone, relentlessly focused on achieving it and empty inside and really sick or unable to stop or God forbid at the end of their achievement of what were taught and the pinnacle of success is, they take their lives whether in overdose or suicide because they still have pain. So it's really about not feeling as good as you look or as worthy of what you have. And in this day of social media being so pervasive, I'm gonna assume that imposter syndrome is at an all time high. It's all you have to do is open your, you pick what your du jour is in social media and it's always gonna be comparing yourself. I have a friend actually who used, this is a really beautiful human, like physically beautiful human, beautiful on the inside, tons of friends, well loved, very smart. I could go on and on with the accolades who used to say over and over, yeah, I opened Facebook and I read about such and such as husband was going on, waxing on and on about how much they love their wife and their amazing relationship and then that, she would get so caught up in what women said about their men, men said about their women and felt so terribly left out. Yeah, did she not have a relationship or a shitty relationship? Well, that's a great question because she was, she is not now, she wasn't in a marriage. Well, I'm so proud of her for leaving. That was not the right marriage. Was not the right marriage, 100%. And I think that disparity was showing up in social media, right? Showing her like what she doesn't have, even though let's be really, let's like level the playing field. It's all bullshit anyway, right? Right, yeah. Maybe, maybe 30% of that is for real. Yeah. And the other 70%, she'd come back and say, you know those people on social media are writing how much they love each other, they got the force. Uh-huh, right. Yeah, the real question I think is what happened after that. I mean, it takes a ton of strength to leave a marriage. You know, I think we've both done that, right? Yes. Congratulations, us. But I think, you know, and I do think that our triggers, our jealousies, the ways we compare ourselves can be really good maps to find who's in the basement. The things that we project onto others that we're sure everyone has it better are often the flip side of where we feel like not enough. So if you are listening to this or anyone who's not sure what's locked away or how they're insecure or what part of them they need to make the VIP, you can always use your triggers as a map of how to find the pain inside. But I do wonder with this friend if she did the work to leave and if she did the work to feel worthy of the love she wants. How's she doing? It's interesting, she's actually, I think dating seriously way faster than she thought she would. She's very desirable, so I'm not surprised. She's so far, I'm very impressed with who she's attracting, like very, very available. And at the same time, when you ask about the healing work, my point with the imposter part is, it just makes me wonder, so when somebody has all of this yumminess, but this one piece is what they keep focusing on as though I am a failure because, and I don't have what I perceive the others do, so how do you, Rachel, recommend people heal if that's a core wound? I am not, I don't match up, but it's great, but if anybody knew, if you pulled back the curtain. Dude, Debbie. Right? What a shit show you'd buy. Exactly, what a shit show. Well, so we would start by the pieces I've spoken to a little bit around the curiosity and the establishing the relationship with the parts. So it's like you really do have to do a little bit of reflection about what did your parents value, what did you feel like you weren't good enough at when you were little, what are the things that you try to hide from colleagues or friends or new boyfriends or girlfriends, to get a sense of where does the shame lie, and you know, and then simultaneously, what I'm hoping people do and what I'm teaching people to do is then learn how do you, when you find those parts, how do you slow down enough and learn, and this is a combination of like mindfulness, but it's slightly different than the kind of mindfulness that is trying to have us just observe everything from the outside. There's a lot of bypassing that happens in spirituality and in meditation. And I did, my undergrad thesis is on meditation and like I have deep roots, I've been practicing yoga for 20 years, teaching for almost that, although I'm retired in that way. There's just not enough time, but so this is kind of the opposite where you're using an embodied practice of knowing how to move your consciousness into your actual physical body where those clusters of sensations are rolling in squads, the emotions, remember. And, but learning how to actually find the pain, have a strong enough connection with the pain where you can feel the pain and then actually become the part that's in pain and to release the pain and then move back out of the pain back to the grown-up self that can do something I call reality testing, which is like, you know, establishing into the sense of worth. And the important thing here is this, when people are like fantastic in 75% way or like 80, 95% of them feels great and there's this 5% wound, let's say, what's sad is that the 5% wound always feels like the truth. Like those parts of us, just based on how young we were when they came online, how non-verbal they are, how core they are, that's why I think when people talk about even core beliefs or, you know, like when they think about it in terms of thoughts, it's kind of misleading because to these parts they feel like truth. And so what we need to learn to do, what I see most, you know, spiritually adept or psychologically adept folks doing is they're like, pardon me, feels bad. You're not bad, you're great. You have this great podcast, you have this new boyfriend. No, I'm bad. It's like you get into a war and it's almost like if you were trying to ride two horses. Right, living in reality, which is not good. It's like split your personality. Exactly. So instead what we wanna do is you wanna get enough confidence from hearing this, from listening to the shit show, from recognizing, of course I have pain, nobody doesn't, I'm not supposed to not have pain. You get all this confidence and you start practicing with these skills that are actually skills that you start cultivating and then enough strength to actually be able to come to become the part that's in pain and sink into it and really I call them like parties. It's like you have a sadness party or an anger party. You actually become the part that's like, oh my God, I am sure that I'm not enough and if you knew that about me, you wouldn't want me on your show. You wouldn't talk to me. I'm full of shit. It's like feel the pain in that. It's excruciating to feel like we're worthless and that people won't love us. It's really, I mean, I can feel it now. It's like, so how do you let yourself become that, sink to the bottom of that well where there's a door that you can go through and then after climb out of it and be like okay, now what was actually true? Do I know for sure that no one loves me or is it true that I actually have a lot of reason to feel worthy or lovable? And when you're doing reality testing, you want to go for very, not like the blown out spiritual foo foo, I am perfect because these parts of us don't believe it. It's like looking for something that feels believable to this part. So it's pretty, you start with a low bar. It might be just like, wow, I had so much strength that I was able to cry for 10 minutes. Like that's huge. It's huge. It's funny, people are afraid that if they start feeling they'll never stop. I'm like, good luck. Let me see you do that for three minutes straight. I'll give you a cookie, you know? Yeah, how nice would it be? You know, I'm not someone who cries very much. And I did when I was growing up, I've always been a very sensitive person, but it's interesting how the older I've gotten, the less I cry and the more difficult it is to access. Yeah. I don't know what that's about, but I can say that the times I do, I relish it. Oh, I can literally feel the relief. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing, right? It's like it actually feels amazing. Yeah, so episode eight might help you. It's all about sadness. So, you know, the other piece of the work of how you heal that is really just like, you know, it's like what I just described of like descending the consciousness into the pain, moving it and coming out is like the basic thing you try to do with all the feelings. And then because feelings are so different, like anger is energetically opposite as far as how it moves than sadness, right? Like when we're angry, we wanna explode, we wanna destroy, we get hot, it goes out, it's fast. Sadness is an implosion or bogged down, we need to descend and slow down and release and water falls out of our face, you know? And so you have different skills and there are different tools you can use to do that. And at a most basic level, your problem and everyone's problem of having less access to the feelings is I think that, you know, the best metaphor I found is, you know, if you forget to download your movie before you got to the airport, I don't care how long your layover is, there's no way you're gonna watch that movie because the airport wifi sucks, right? It's like there's no way to get a file that big on with a flimsy, thin bandwidth. And similarly, when we repress or just live more and more time trying to not have feelings, the feelings get bigger and bigger. And so we need a stronger container, we need more bandwidth, more strength to be able to move it. And that's part of what I do as a therapist is I'm like a wifi hotspot and I am amplifying, I'm using everything about me to amplify the person's ability to connect to their pain and move it. I'm also like a colonics expert where I'm just like massaging their emotional colon. But there are other techniques you can do at home and I give tons of tips for each emotion of how you can increase your bandwidth. And then over time and with practice, it becomes much easier. And once you realize, this makes me feel better than it's motivating. Yeah, so then I imagine if it makes you feel better, you're very energized, so then you'd be akin to a coffee enema, basically. Yeah, yeah, coffee enema. So what I love about what you're saying, Rachel, is interestingly enough, the correlation is, I teach this invisibility. I teach people how to write books. Oh, cool. Right, and one of the things I teach in my classes always is write what you are afraid of. It's the same, awesome, go to it, pen it, get it out. That's the shit people wanna read. Right. That's the stuff we've been sitting with, right? That's the cutting edge stuff where you're going and nobody else is going. And same as that thing, although it's somewhat different when I teach about being interviewed, right, about the visibility and the importance of getting booked on radio and podcasts, because a lot of people wanna show up and deliver what they think the audience wants to hear. Not so much. Right, yeah. It's so disingenuous, but if they can understand that they have their own unique through their woundedness, through their brilliance, they have a very unique point of view and message, and if they can own that, that's where they rock and roll. So we are very aligned. That's awesome. Yeah, and also because the secret, all the internet memes say this, that we should be ourselves, but first of all, no one's saying though how hard it is, because to be ourselves, we have to heal and we have to embody these wounded places, which takes skill, but I really, I have come to fully get and love that it's not like we're given a multiple choice thing when we come into these bodies, it's like, do you wanna be loud or soft? Do you wanna be this or that? It's like, of course we can be ourselves with varying degrees of balance, but we have essentially our essence to embody and the good news is we only have to be one person well and it's us and it's obviously the most interesting for audiences and in books and it's also the place where I think we're going to have the most synchronicity in our lives and so it's like getting on board with how do we heal who we are so we can be who we are, which I am really enjoying in my life. And then we're not for everyone, but like great news, it's like there's lots of people, find your people, be yourself. Totally, exactly, find your tribe. Yeah. If you're listening and watching Dare to Dream Radio and podcast, you can become part of the Dare to Dream team. Go to patreon.com slash Dare to Dream. You can donate to the show because you have a big purpose to fulfill and that's where I show up and that's where the show shows up. We've been on air, podcast, YouTube for over 12 years and I ask you what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What would it take for you to feel completely free and bold? So this is the place where you can learn all those pieces of how to get there, how to be that, how to allow that and receive that in your life. So Dare to Dream, this show is always gonna be free to you and for the price of a cup of coffee, a dollar or more, you can completely support the show and I thank you in advance for your support. Again, go to patreon.com slash Dare to Dream and if you're tuning in after we started, Debbie Daschinger, Dare to Dream, this is my amazing guest, Rachel Kaplan and she is offering you a complimentary core wound quiz. You can go to your core wound.com, Rach. Tell us about that, core wound.com. Yeah, so I basically made a quiz. I did it after I met you, the new media summoner. I'm like, what a great idea, a quiz because we all wanna know about ourselves and it will take people about five minutes probably to fill out. You just slide some sliders numerically based on how much you relate to different statements and it emails, I get an email and I look at every single person's quiz. I've looked at like 200 quizzes so far, barely publicize this but just from other podcast interviews and I will see which of the four kind of core emotions dominates your core wound. So and then I send you, I will email you a little video, the episode that correlates to that emotion and a list of skills to try. So a video of me and my house kind of giving you some insider tips, the episode that you need to hear and so what it will enable you to do is diving into the skill part of the podcast journey of the Healing Feeling Shit Show to start to get this moving. I do suggest for people who really want emotional resilience and real healing to listen to the whole podcast but it's a long podcast, the episodes are about hour to an hour and a half each and there's so much. It's really like a massive transformational course for free which was an interesting choice on my part. But anyway, so this will give you right into the action and I give you a free little kit and then you will need the skills for each of the emotions because it's like an onion and it's not linear and they're connected but I give you the one that you need the most and you can try it out and just see how you like it. And it also will enable you to hear more about my work. Tell me about the four core wounds, what are they? Yeah, well so it's interesting because the four core emotions and my high school therapist, so I know I said I had a tragedy, did I say what it was? No, I was gonna get there like come and start with the four core feelings. Okay, but my high school therapist taught me this. So there's four core feelings and you know, if you look at those feeling charts like that you see on your fridge, how are you feeling today? There's a lot of options, right? But most of them are fairly heady and they're nuanced which doesn't mean they're not feelings but because feelings are physical, it actually serves us to get into the body and to break it down to their simplest kind of like the primary colors of emotion. And so the four core feelings that every human whole or not whole, healthier or unhealthy or unhealthy will have is happy, mad, sad, scared. Now my show doesn't deal with happy even though it could because most of us and Brene Brown says that Joy is actually the most vulnerable emotion. It's like most of us don't do that well with happy. We know what it's like to chase highs but happiness has its own vol wax there but what I'm dealing with are the emotions related to wounds and so it's mad, sad, scared and ashamed or shame. And shame and worth, I would, another way to describe it is worthlessness. And so in the podcast we start with mad and sad because those are like really unidirectional. It's like mad explodes, like I said, sad implodes. Fear and shame are more nuanced and so it generally helps to get the first primary movements in place first and they can kind of usually go in either direction like someone who's afraid might feel really frenetic and they need to shake and they need to kind of move or they might feel like a frozen deer in headlights and they need to swaddle and cry and so there's more nuance and more kind of fine tuning of how to move it and shame also it's like it burns. Shame's so deep that it takes some skill but if your core wound is shame I'll send you the shame package, you can listen to it and you might need the others which I make very affordable but yeah, and the podcast has them all there for free so. Interesting. I think you're gonna say things like abandonment as a core wound, core wound. Well, I mean, these are the emotional tones of your core wound, right? So is someone drowning in fear or sadness? Like some people are gonna feel just so bogged down with depression and sadness that's the overwhelming thing. It may have come from abandonment but in some way, the cool thing here and this is why I'm so committed to this that I literally have two full-time jobs. You know, my full-time job is employing my other full-time job to make this content is that even the therapeutic industry is confused. It's like this understanding it's like it's not enough to know that your data bandaged you and therefore you like unavailable men and feel worthless. To heal from that, that's a good start but then to heal from that you have to be able to tune in and in a visceral way to the pain there to let it out in order to heal. And so I'm less interested and in some way it matters less what the content and the story is. It's useful to start to find those parts but it's like to heal them it's much more energetic and physical and like grounded. That's why we're talking about poop. It's like you poop it out, you wash your hands, you go buy your data. It's a very physical thing, right? And don't forget it's very good mulch too. It's like growing rebirth, right? Exactly. It's great fodder, so to speak. Yes. It creates the view. Yes. Okay, and yes, I do wanna go back to the fact that you said in the first segment that at age 14 you experienced a tragedy that created all of this opening. Yeah. Imagine this journey. So, will you talk about that? Yeah, and I'll just say that, you know, I think I had my good share of wounding like we all do from way earlier, which may have lined me up to choose someone who was in this much pain. But my first big attachment, like I was kind of, my parents described me as being a really aloof and afraid and kind of like, I was just doing my own thing, building like doll houses and stuff, which I know you wouldn't think, right? Yeah. Right, so, but yeah, that was how I was in the family. And so the first person that I had a obsessive desire to be close to, it was my first love, my first attachment, other than the parents, was my first boyfriend. And we were together for about a year and a half. And then just before, within the month of both of us turning 15, he told me a very convoluted story about something and ended up killing himself. I was the only one who knew and we had an agreement that he wasn't going to do it. I was the subject of his suicide note. So that flacked me up pretty good. I mean, it was a death, you know, it was his actual death and it was... When you say convoluted and you were the subject and his note, do you mean the blame? No, not at all. And by the way, episode four is I wrote this beautiful memoir narrative of the story. And so sometimes I feel sad if I give too many details in podcast interviews so people can be in the suspense of it. When one of my big bucket list items we've talked about, this is in a year or so, I'm gonna complete the memoir, but no, he, the convoluted story was he basically, I thought he was, I thought he was busted for smoking marijuana and was going, he told me this whole story about how he's gonna go to a drug rehab for a few months. And that's how he started introducing that he wanted to kill himself. And I dealt with that as best it could as a 14-year-old trying to threaten him that I would tell his mom and trying to convince him out of it. And he had threatened me back that if I intervened, he would do it right then. And then basically my best 14-year-old strategy was to say that I was gonna commit suicide. So our nicknames for each other were Sunshine. And his suicide note was just, which made no sense to his family, because they were the ones who found it first, but I knew the moment I heard it, it just said make sure my son still shines. It's basically like make sure I don't kill myself too. And that's all he left. So, but did I blame myself? You bet your whole self, I'm not gonna talk about your ass on your podcast. But yeah, I mean, it was, and I did, you know, I'm grateful. I didn't wanna die when I threatened him with that. That was just my strategy. And I actually had a pretty far out moment in the moments after it was confirmed 100% that he was dead where I've heard a voice clearer than I've ever heard a voice. I don't hear voices, not his voice, but a very clear voice that you'll never do this. And then was gone. I was like in the room with his balling mother and brother and sister, my mom who's screaming. It was really like dramatic and excruciating, but I did live for a few years, kind of plotting my death and, you know, by 15. I mean, the first real, the first moment where I started consciously turning toward healing. I mean, in the beginning, I started kind of looking into what happens to souls that commit suicide, which was grim. And actually, I think part of what's useful and part of what I can do in my life is some education around that at a middle physical level. Cause it's not a good move, not just for everybody else that you leave behind, but actually the souls who do it have a really, really hard time. We can come back to that later. But, you know, so I started studying, but you know, by 16, the first time I accidentally caught feelings for someone else, I realized I was just a terrible wreck inside. And so I started, found that first therapist who was the only individual therapist that's been actually really useful for me, bless her soul. I don't actually like therapists that much. I think there's a ton of mediocre therapy in the world. I've worked with all kinds of healers, but yeah, that journey, you know, I had started healing and having spiritual awakenings by like 17, 18, like in a pretty profound way and studied, you know, Eastern religions lived in Asia, speak Nepali, taught yoga, did all these things, but really was still living with that wound. And it wasn't until actually I got married to someone who was like the archetype of the dead boyfriend, even though I couldn't see that, and had this terribly unviable marriage with someone I love deeply and I still love or friends that I started working with who I feel is a true master. He asked me to not use his name because he's very private. He's like a man who lives in a mud hut. He's built a structure, but like when I first went out there in the desert, he lived in the hut. It's a shitty hut. It's a shitty hut. It's a shitty hut. He's made, I've actually stayed in Nepal, I lived in places where they like to clean the floors, they wipe cow poop on the floor, you gotta love that. But yeah, so it wasn't until I really did the kind of work that is the heart of the shit show that I started truly healing. And interestingly enough, the day that I organically without any effort or, you know, orchestration left my marriage, happened to be the 22 year anniversary, to the day of the first boyfriend's death. And then I found my dream apartment where we're sitting right now. It's so pretty, it's also in design magazines if you're curious, it's in apartmenttherapy.com. You can look up Bohemian Rainbow Oakland, you'll see my apartment. But anyway, found this place, I fell in love with it, was gonna move on a Monday, but it was raining, so got pushed back one day and I ended up moving out of my marital home on the dead boyfriend's birthday. Wow, boom, mic drop, crazy town. So the shit show is really like what feels like the manifestation, the fruiting of the gifts of the karma of my life. Like, it's taken me a long time. I'm just maybe hopeful that I'm able to attract someone and be like someone who really likes me. But it's taken a long time, but it's made me, I'm like masterful at this. And I say that kind of humbly because I've worked with a real master. I'm not that masterful, but as my mentor. But it's like, I'm so fucking good at this. I'll date you, Rachel. I'll date you. Let's just get this over with, okay? But you're smart, you've got it going on. You're a ton of fun. I'll date you. Let's get over it. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, I definitely can't wait to see you. But my point is like the shit show is like really the thing that is, that has been cultivated and has so much off like value for the world. I think part of what a cool thing my experience is growing up becoming adults is like, we have these human experiences. We go through our emotional shed. We have to overcome something, learn something. And it becomes a gift. And as we heal, like the more wellbeing I have, like my mentor was like, you're going to be indebted by the healing you've received. Wow. And the only way to repay that debt is to move it forward, to claim your life and to give this gift. And like, who knew? I didn't think I'd make a podcast. I didn't even listen to podcasts. You know, and I'm working on a book and I'm gonna do the message in all the ways I can do the message. But it's like, this sanctifies that journey. And I can help a lot of people and it's such a beautiful, fun thing for me to do. Cool. Thank you for sharing all of that. Yeah. And bringing its full circle. It is amazing. And I like the fact that it's incumbent on us to take the shit. Basically, it's funny that the shit makes us incumbent to put something magnificent out into the world. But it is really a soul journey. I intimately understand. And we're just quick break here exclusively for Dare to Dream listeners, watchers. This is just by use. If you have a business, if you're an entrepreneur, if you have products, programs, dude, you gotta check out Thinkific for real. I am up there right now. I am super thrilled with it. And I've made a unique deal with Thinkific just for you available only to my listeners. You can create, you can market, you can sell your online courses, start making money people. It is a powerful all in one platform that makes it so easy to share your knowledge for your audience, scale your business. And that's whether you have 10 students or 10 million. So Thinkific, easiest technology, drag and drop, and it looks phenomenal. If you use this link, you get three months free business plan. Ta-da. It's THNK.CC slash DEB. THNK.CC slash DEB. And this is your exclusive free deal. Enjoy, enjoy and go make some money. This is Rachel Kaplan. We just have a few minutes left. Debbie Daschinger and this is Dare to Dream. Again, you can find her at the healingfeelingshitshow.com. And this is Dare to Dream, Rachel. What do you next dare to dream? What are your future dreams and goals? Thank you for asking. So the first is to publish and I'm actively working with an editor on it currently to publish the book version of emotional potty training for grownups. For the people who won't find podcasts to streamline it, take out some of my crass jokes. We might have a section for poop stories, but we're just streamlining into the, you know, transformational content. So I would love to in the next year publish that and not publish it myself. I think it's my editors like, oh no, no, no, you're gonna publish this. Within the next couple of years, I wanna publish the full memoir, which will be called The Shining of His Son. Like how the fuck did I go on? A lot of ways, a lot of rock and roll, a little bit of drugs. Oops, can't be president. Good thing I don't want to. Yeah, and then, you know, my other two main goals, I'd love to have find real love that's based in worth or worse, like not worthlessness, not dependence. Cause I've kind of burned through that. I love being alone, but and really hot sex. And I think that's it for my bucket list. I met Tom York last year, which was like up there. But other than that, I'm like, take me whenever. Actually, you know, the truth is, is I would love, you know, I'm interested in speaking and just basically championing this information, this content. You know, the person who taught me in his very profound, gifted way is much more of a introvert, you know, lives in a mud hut, doesn't use the internet. And there's a way I'm just much more in the world. And so bringing everything I have to bring to this transformational information, I just feel really, I just wanna be used by the universe to help us. Because, you know, obviously our planet's struggling, our cultures are struggling, and this is the piece I can do. And so I'm really excited about whatever creative options that looks like. So if it's speaking in workshops, or, you know, I have a friend who's trying to convince me that I should be the, forgetting her name, but Marie Kondo of Feelings, we should do, you know, just I'm just kind of open to the fun. Yeah, like basically show the emotional transformation that I just feel, yeah. Yeah, well, we'll stack your shirts and boom. So what's the one thing you do, Rachel, every day that is your ritual, that is your practice, that keeps you really grounded and connected and healthy? The, probably the deepest commitment I have, and it's almost every day occasionally if my body needs to or just I need to, I will break, but I do exercise every day. It keeps me sane. I'm a, I have a lot of energy. I'm a really physical person and just moving my body, you know, helps move the shit. I also like caffeine and music. I would say music and connecting internally into my kind of my spirit and movements and dancing is my favorite, but I don't necessarily do it every day. I don't know why, but yeah. I resonate a lot with what you're saying. I also tremendous energy, love, love, love to move exercise every day. And when I had this surgery on my back, which by the way is right on my bra line and hard to sleep on, I just had it yesterday. So for two weeks, I've got these stitches and stuff. I'm amazed you're doing this today. Yeah, whatever. Right? It's like we show up no matter what, the snow goes on. I gotta say that one of the things they said is, by the way, you can't sweat. You can't lift weights. You can't yoga, no body pump. I'm like, oh, for two weeks, what? Like you think they just said for the rest of your life. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's like, yeah, I get it. Right, so I said to my dog, long walks, girlfriend. Yeah. And then we go, some territory out there we're gonna be covering. Well, I wonder if that space that you would normally put into physical movement you could bring into connecting with whatever feelings come up in the void of physical movement because they would definitely come up for me and maybe do the move it inside. Okay, well, we're at the end but will you give me like a 20 second how-to? Like what do you recommend and I'm on it? Well, whether not being able to move brings up anxiety around will you be as hot as you are all the time or will you feel stagnant? Are you gonna poop as well? It's like, tune into the fear, tune into the sadness or just in the time make some special time to be with yourself. Like you were talking, joking about the vanity. It's like, tune into the part that might not, despite how amazing you are, feel as worthy as you are and try to pull out a photo, sit with it, see if you can't explore why she feels like that and give her some love like you'd give your puppy. I love that. I love that. See if you can't cry. For that reminder too, I really also really loved that idea of putting the photo. I have adorable little Debbie pictures with a fine one at a time when it's kind of like meh, like maybe not my most stellar inner side. That's a beautiful thing and give her some love. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on this show. This is so fun, I adore you. And I'm so glad we're now dating. Yes, it's real and like what a way to announce it right here on podcast, Out Into the World, 75 million people, but you heard it here, Rachel Kaplan, Debbie Dashinger, a thing, right? Dreams and poop all rolled into one. I mean, if that gets like announced on Twitter or anything, please tell me if, you know, cause I think your poll right now is much wider than mine, but let me know if there's some good gossip about us. I can't wait. And I will see you on the dance floor at New Media, right? Are you going? I'm going, I'm going. That's where we met, that's where we fell in love. And I'm ending this show with this quote from Yiyama Vanzette, until you heal the wounds of your past, you're going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them. Oh man. Oh man. Next week on Dare to Dream podcast, I'm featuring the hilarious serial entrepreneur, Jim Beach, who's the award winning radio host of School for Startups. I've been on his show. And also the bestselling author of the School for Startups book. Tune in for next week's number one transformation conversation. Again, you can get all of these if you want to watch them at youtube.com slash Debbie Daschinger. Find me on social media, everything. Debbie Daschinger. And remember the secret of success is having the courage to begin in the first place.