 Welcome back everybody. My name is Alan. Welcome to What's this episode five episode five? Table we are joined by one new guest So we're gonna put you on the spot introduce yourself name age and relationship status Okay My name is Alana Alana Miller. I am a photographer extraordinary. I'm just a creative I am 36 years old. I think yeah Yep Oh Let's see let's see who went viral this week or a semi-viral you want to talk about it. Hmm. Talk about what? Yeah What it what has that been like? What about that clip? Do you feel like you really resonated with slash? Is there anything that you saw even in the comments that you want to elaborate on with that clip? Well, first of all, I was taken by surprise People were texting me like it's this light-skinned girl on this podcast And I was like that is me And then it took a while to raise an egg But just going back listening to it and then looking at the comments It was kind of heartbreaking to see the amount of men that was like that sound good But I ain't doing it. I'm not doing it y'all is a setup and I was just shattered Because I really came to that realization on my healing journey within the last two years in the sea that Men have been burnt so much by women by opening up and wanting a safe space and I'm just like I don't even know if we can fix that I Don't know how we can how we can fix it or if it's fixable because they were like I understand what you're saying And that's true, but I don't trust it And I was like wow, so I was trying to go in the comments like y'all is okay. It's all right You know take a risk Somebody Listen, I was scared to go in the comments. I was like they probably have body slamming me on Now the comments were tame They were but let's let's spend some time talking about it Of course, I think you sent me this or I sent it to you it was like Women are taught what to want from men, but not what to be for men or something like that Yeah, it was like, you know women are told what a man should be should earn this or he should do this or make me feel Like this, but we don't talk enough about women's Outside of looking good cooking cleaning stuff like that What what is your purpose in a man's life? And I saw another clip where a girl was crying talking about you know, she's sick of being lonely She's sick of being single But what I noticed was the entire time she was saying I I me me I I me and she never brought up once what This hypothetical dream man that she's looking for will get by having her outside of just vibes, right? So why why start with you portion? Why do you think that is? Why do you think there's such a disconnect between what what women should be for men slash what men should expect from women? Truly, I feel like a lot of women are in their selfish season We are in a place where I'm in a little bit So I can this is about me too where we are so focused on What we want what we need or what we even just desire and often thought that we think we desire rather than truly honing in on what we need to become to be more attractive or more I Guess discoverable by what we really truly need from somebody else that makes it So I can say we're in a selfish season where it's all about my healing journey What I want what I need you got to be doing is bring this to the table But at the end of the day You're not taking the time out to focus in on first of all What do you truly desire? Are you deserving of all the things that you want based on how you are treating someone else? How you are what are you putting out that makes you? So settled to receive all these things from somebody else. So we're forgetting that in Relationships, it's not just one person another person. It's it's a collective group. It's you two together Luckily, I don't have to figure that out I'm in a space where I truly do understand what I desire and while I'm in a relationship Even if I if that relationship stopped giving me what I desired and needed I'd be okay with walking away Because I understand that I do bring to the table what I expect from someone else to also bring with them I'm gonna throw this to you job Because to be fair to the to the ladies I feel like we as men don't do enough job a good enough job at Clarifying and defining what it is that we want and I remember seeing another clip The the guy was basically saying that most men just settle for a woman Based on perfect attendance. All right based on you know, she's a good girl. She don't challenge me She's been here since day one, you know, she has a move whatever the case may be But we haven't been socialized to even be able to identify what more is to ask of women. So Why do you think that is slash? What is it that we should be asking for women slash expecting from women? the most important question I Know we should be asking versus feeling Is what substance? She brings to the table. Mmm. That's a good way That's a good question. Yeah, you don't like beat up, you know, cuz she can she can have She can have a lot of Accolades, you know You know, she can have a wall full of plaques, but if she has no substance Men need that. Mmm. We need substance. We feed off a substance And if she doesn't have that then we should we look past her in a lot of ways, you know We lose respect for a woman that doesn't have substance So from a man standpoint and my age Substance is more important than accolades. Can I ask what substance is because it sounds like a field My next Before we do that, let's have the ladies give us what they think it is So I'm sorry with you matter of fact newbie What is the substance you think a woman should be bringing to a man's life the substance a woman should be bringing First of all, she needs to make sure that he's good before she can Fulfill into that that duty of a role or anything of being called his woman So she's missing if she's if she doesn't have that much of substance within herself to know Then how is she gonna know what to do when she get when she does step in that role and don't step on me on it for y'all Okay, that's scale portion What does substance mean from your perspective So Substance is everything to me not visual and not just physical What do you give that I can't go get from anyone else? Hmm What do I bring to someone that they just can't go fine without we I know I look good. I Know I know my body's nice. I used to I know I got degrees. I got a business. I got jobs But do I bring you peace? Am I at peace? Can't bring what you don't have Say am I am I good with me? Am I comfortable enough with myself to understand that? Whomever I'm going towards and attracting It's not always gonna be Sunshine and roses. It's not always going to be Easy, but it could possibly be worth it So to me substance is My nurturing ability It's my ability to feed you Low you into a sense of security to where you don't want to leave my space When you're not in my space, you're on my phone You're on my social media You got you on my location. You asking why I'm not why I'm not where I'm supposed to be because you crave me Do I make you so comfortable? Around me and around yourself that nobody else exists because again, you're always gonna see and be tempted You're always gonna have other things that catch your eye But do I make you feel like you're whole enough to wear no matter how much noise is out there in the world It's my quiet that you prefer You want me to come out of that? No Hey, we trust you. No, I'm just playing To me, I would say just a sense of stability and balance When it comes to the man, he's always in his head. He's not really as verbal as the woman So we always in his head and he can come up with the vision It's the woman that brings the vision to life He can plant the seed the woman is what produces the life So I think just a sense of stability and a piece as she said a calm to where you're in the middle of chaos And literally you calling me on the phone in my voice Can literally be the peace to your storm and me to speak life into you with whatever you're dealing with To create a stability and a balance in your life And like she said it's something that nobody else can bring because when I can speak to something in you When you're dealing with something or battling and I speak to something that causes you to raise up as the king You are then a you can't get that everywhere and not every woman has that ability But it takes a woman who's securing herself and understand who she is and what she's called to be to be the queen to speak to that king in that man Y'all both came with the expansion of men and women on that both of y'all did The true essence of substance for a woman for me is for her to be able to walk in the room And not say anything but say everything So When we see a woman naturally we see her in the essence of her makeup her career Her accolades that's how we judge her and we choose her based on that But when a woman stepped into a room and you can feel her frequency It's something different about that. It's like you ever heard a person say when I seen her I knew she was the one That substance Because substance really don't have a voice. You just know where you feel it. It's a frequency. It's indeniable. So for me I Don't see the things that we touch tangibly. I'm looking for when she opened her mouth How she can carry herself for the rest of her life without my tutelage It's just just her being her, you know Just her walking through her journey or her overcoming her traumas or her spreading that message to other people how infections How infectious is she to her community? That substance. Oh baby. I'm a woman of substance. You better let me know I'm glad you said it For me, yeah I What I would say Number one, I want to say I think Because you alluded to something about like your body and your looks and things like that I think part of the reason Our community in particular of women are over indexing on sex appeal It's because they're out of touch with the essence piece, right? Since I don't know how to Do exactly what y'all just said I'ma look the part, right? I'm not gonna look like what I've been through that type of energy, but I think I Think of a woman is like water, right for multiple reasons. There's a sexual connotation But also like water is nurturing water is life-giving life comes from water Water is also powerful. It can crash. You know, it can mold things again. It it, you know, it shaped our planet and water nurtures Plants, right? And I think the metaphor for plants is a man's dream Like what what type of man does he want to be and the right woman will water that seed and potentially Help it bear fruit or expedite the process of it bearing fruit. Now That the wrong type of water can nurture the wrong type of seed, right? Like if you if you water in an ancient nigga, you're just gonna produce more more do Right, you see what I'm saying So I think And I said this last week one of the things that breaks my heart is like a lot of women are out of Touch with what their power really is and the power is really like girl power is really Dictating what type of masculinity we see grow and proliferate, right? Not just what men are replicated what men are cloned literally, but also what type of manhood are We the female delegation championing in our decisions, right? Are we championing men who sag their pants? We're gonna see more men sag their pants because you're gonna have those men's sons, right? And we're also going to inspire the non-sagging men to start sagging their pants because they're seeing that it's successful with women All right, but I think a lot of our sisters unfortunately are out of touch with that power And instead we're just like to shout from the rooftop what they wish men were without actually aligning your actions With who you would like men to become That's that's dope. Oh And my observation without being too judgmental I Feel like women are the most beautiful thing on the planet. I Feel like they have the most power and influence So they have Within their grasp the ability to change the world If they can see themselves in a certain likeness But they choose the easy route and the easy route is to Use the filler, you know, like the filler is for me to duplicate What everyone else is doing and to still be attractive and For men we see past that, you know, we see Your duplication, right? There's no originality So for men we bypass is like scrolling on Instagram and every other every other post you see another ass You know, so becomes so it becomes such a normality for men That we lose value and respect for women that deserve to respect So And those women are fighting and crawling for our attention But for the most part they don't realize that They have to be influential in each other's lives like when I when I said the the first quote and it went viral about Women need to hear that from women. They didn't listen to the whole conversation Still Leave my boy alone Is which I was leading to that because women have more impact and I know you as an influencer You know how challenging that can be, you know dealing with the female delegation, you know from a woman's point of view So for men, we've kind of given up on that space to try to be the two You know the teachers because they don't want to listen in a lot of cases So for women when they're stepping into that space, they like hey, they just a stubborn With us. They are so How do we change that if the feminine energy is difficult to influence its own energy? Is a question that leave me I was just gonna add to pretty much what everybody was was saying So one thing that I feel like me as a woman don't jump on me sister. So sorry. I got a split this out there But one thing as a woman, I know that we have strong desires We try to be alpha female all the time because we want to bring that energy to the table But we forget about the desires that we crave the desires that we that we need Besides the desires that we want. What about the desires that we need? That we need to push us to go to that level to be able to get that alpha male that that male that we need or Desire for lack of better words because I'm independent I pay my own bills and stuff But I still want you to cuddle me and I want you to be the man and me be the woman But I'm the woman and I do I can wear the pants, too That used to be me I'm speaking for me Not nobody else, but that used to be me and a lot of us women have to step out of that We have to step out of that show. Yeah, because it's confusing and it's confusing and it's conflicting Not only that person, but it's also conflicting and confusing yourself Your own and just lying to yourself only for being honest you lie And I think the the core of it is like women haven't been taught to value men So if I don't value something I can't consider what that thing is looking for, right? So I value a job. So I'm gonna I'm gonna read the job description They're looking for somebody with these skills with this education with this experience But when it comes to a man, you don't consider What he's looking for because I feel a sense of entitlement to a good man and I always use the metaphor of like If you are a basketball player the job play basketball, I did okay You play basketball. All right, and and what position did you play for it? You played for it Let's say a five-star recruit was transferred to your school Which position would you be would you prefer that they played and they didn't play? Would you want another Ford or would you want maybe a point guard? No So when we're hearing all these women talk about oh, I'm I make six figures. I'm educated I'm well known in the community all this masculine stuff. It's like you play Ford and You want another Ford to want you when just like you said a Ford is looking for a point guard I'm gonna get the rebounds. I need somebody who can shoot him past the ball Missing that balance. It's all about balance and that's the other essence of a woman She brings balance to a man's life because we're all about Efficiency is meant right? That's why you you know people joke Oh, he only got two things in the fridge or you only got a couch and a TV We're all about efficiency. What a woman brings is balance. Yes, right? But if if she's not leading with that essence It's off-putting to us even if she looked good in the whole nine If you've had good-looking women if you've been around women It ain't gonna mean shit, but this other woman she might not be as good-looking But she has that essence she walks into the room with that energy. She has a smile She has a sunny disposition. She doesn't look like the world owes her nothing I'm going that way 10 times out of 10 Unfortunately, yeah, and it sucks now because even the idea of women smiling or men even encouraging women to smile It's now viewed as an insult. It's not viewed as they go to fuck you Do I don't need to smile this and now rest in bitch face is praised. Yeah, and I'm like, yo Are you guys looking at the big picture like a lot of dudes into your question? How do we fix this a lot of dudes answer to that is we're gonna leave Yeah, and we're gonna have them sit with their nonsense and have them die alone like Kevin Samuels And people like that would say and eventually maybe the next generation of women to figure it out And I'm shouting like yo The good dudes are leaving and the bad dudes They just gonna keep fucking all over because there's no incentive for them to change Yeah, because what they doing is when a woman makes herself financially attractive She puts herself in a position of a man Women I was feminine man. Exactly. Yeah, so now he don't he at home laying on the couch You know, you're the breadwinner. No, that's not a good deal. You know, you know Right, so it's it's something that you see it's like a domino effect. Yeah, you know and unfortunately Woman gonna have to stop it That's that's that's the only answer I've ever been able to come up with you know When we have to stop it Meaning you mean a woman is gonna have to leave the charge. Yes. No, the female delegation They don't listen to us You know certain things you say you're gonna be being there to pick me, you know Because I've had conversations with women as I matured over the years and realized the difference between a woman and a girl And they were like, oh, no, that is insane. That's stupid. You're being stupid and I'm like, no, think about what you're saying It's gotta be even-handed. So then when you speak the truth, sometimes you get called to pick me No, I picked me I don't need nobody to pick me but I'm gonna tell the truth Set you free for the softball team. Yeah, you don't pick last Yeah, something some things we just need to understand is not trying to be picked It's what makes sense, right if it goes against because I mean I think back to early on we started doing these talks And I was listening on the defense listening ready to which My women because I grew up with a single mom, you know, we got all these girl power stuff like you're not gonna tell me This isn't this without me telling you this isn't this but we have to understand that sometimes We're not always right. We don't know we don't have all the answers way we can't know it all but we have to and we also Well, we can't know it all we also have the obligation to Be the fixer of it And I can even add to that with you the last time I came believe it or not I was listening on the difference at times And I'm sure you can look at some of the body language and see when certain things And I was like but that caused me to have to go home and sit because I'm in that journey and say So why was you triggered that quick? You know from something like that? What is that? What is the root of that? And so it all goes back to that. That's why I'm constantly but being raised by a single mother I'm a strong independent woman that had to mature and learn Okay, you're not always right. You don't know everything but my question. Can I ask a question? Yes, sir The man as a woman that is successful that is cute Y'all like it or not But I stand on that say what you want As a woman that walks in the room and when I'll come in the room my energy is gonna come in the room That's just who I am but I get a lot of men I won't I don't like the word intimidated But the perception of who I am is already painted They painted a picture to where they have a whole perception of me especially on the dating Oh, you got all these Negroes you got all these men you're gonna expect somebody to be a simp I'm not being a simp So they've already put up a line of defense and I'm just me when in actuality because I have all of that I'm looking for substance. I don't need a man that can take care of me. I can take care of myself I can take care of both of us. I don't need a man. I just need you to lead. I need you to be sure of you I need you to have vision for our family and that's just that whatever else we're gonna come together meet in the middle So why is it that women that are on that level? Intimidating that make no But why is the perception always that a woman that is successful nice looking well put together It's going to be this mean girl before the men answer. I'm gonna give you a little bit of why I Don't need a man. Take care of me. I can take care of me I can take care of both of us as a matter of fact that right there. That's it. That's they're gonna eat you up And that's what that's even because even though in your head you you're not going into it With that perspective you still have that perspective and you still have that mindset of it So no, no, no, no y'all took that I heard you. No, no I'm not taking it that you feel that way. Oh, but the way you voice it that brand that That way you're voicing it to us and that that and that way you that air you walk with right That's something that men pick up on. I don't know how I don't I but they they understand They understand they feel that vibe and when you have that even in your mind. It's like well I can take care of me and you Already you've already put me in a disadvantage to where well, maybe I can't take care of you because you're talking you're putting me in that space But that so that's just that little bit this thing right there is a little bit of why men may see you in a different light But that's never been voice. That's what but it don't have to be for them to understand it because the meaning behind that is That I don't want you for your money Because the majority of them think I want them for their money. I want something from them You know I'm saying like I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna see what you got and how much money you make what you drive And that's never been me You coming from a place where you can give right? So I come in trying to give to let you know I'm not trying to take I don't want to take nothing from me We come together and we go up because if I have and you have we go up But if I got to pull you up or you got to pull me up and it's gonna take us a little longer So if we both come in with the mindset that we're coming together to grow and to elevate And it's a little bit different But yeah, I get just how I just voiced that what you say But no I meant on a sense of they automatically think oh you got to have somebody to drive a Benz You want somebody that that works in a as a CEO? You want somebody that makes this much money that I automatically get perceived and I'm like I didn't even say nothing I just walked in the room. It's how you do it So the perception is what always gets me and is aggravated. What's your spin on that? What's your answer to that? Yeah, I wanted to ask me in that word intellectual enough to have that conversation to nod Well, I think I think what you have to consider So I've been talking about like passport bros, right and In my opinion, I think women who are serious about I want relationship. I want relationship from a certain caliber of man You have to let go of this idea that all these niggas are just looking for a woman and they can run over or They're looking for a woman who they can control and things like that and just consider what attributes do the women in these communities that they're going to have That for whatever reason we lack, right? So Thailand is a big place men are going to Colombia is a big place that men are going to Brazil things like that and what's ironic about places like Colombia is like It it has amongst the highest single mother rates in the world Wow, right? So the idea that oh, we're going to find non single mothers is not the reason why men are going over there But for whatever reason they're willing to compromise the fact that she has kids To still settle down with her and when I've talked to these guys one of my boys lives in Colombia and Brazil Number one I think It's good faith women are entering that relationship with good faith or that interaction with good faith It's it's it's the mindset of I Think you're a good man, and I can't wait to learn more about how good you are in America the mindset tends to be Show me if you're a good man prove yourself prove yourself, right? And and I call that entering a relationship or an interaction in bats in bad faith because it's assuming that you're not good and I have a bit of grace with women because the truth is you know a lot of dudes incarcerated a lot of dudes Mental health things like that So most of the men that you're gonna come in contact with especially if you're in certain environments Live up to your jaded expectations That is confirmation bias and it fuels how you see men But again, you have to be thinking from the lens of what kind of man do I want? And is he going to receive what I've been in practice giving other men, right? And not even on a relationship in but just like my disposition Right if he's in this room, and I walk in here with this RBF that I'm used to How would that potentially play off it or if he's in this room? And I'm over here dressed like a slut. He might not see me, right? So I I think Not just like the interaction y'all just had but like if women put their themselves in the mindset of Not just What do men want or what kind of woman would I want for my son? Because that changes the mindset what kind of woman would I want for my son and how much in proximity am I to that woman? You have to be honest with you, right? It's not about your ego. It's about like, okay Yeah, I have a kid or I have some kids. That's a demerit What do I have that men value that makes up for that deficit, right? Because women of other countries other communities, they know this and they're taking a lot of these men and we have to take it Seriously, but a lot of times we just rather shame those men as opposed to take a look at ourselves And consider what they're doing that we fail to do. I don't I don't I feel like also Women don't choose men based on their leadership skills. Mmm. That's very important like when a woman sees a man she probably see him based on his His sexual appeal and how he looks Clout clout, you know, so his leadership skills Women don't choose been based on leadership skills and there's a lot of great leaders It's just that if they look towards his leadership skills, you know, how well can he delegate a family? You know, how well can he delegate finances, right? How well can he run a home? You know, how good is he around the home? all these little intricate things that Contributes value to a man Most women don't have the eye to look at that, right? They look at His physicality first, you know, so for me if women can change Their approach into looking at men from a leadership standpoint They'll get away from how well he dresses how good he looks all that's important I'm gonna be wrong, but you want to you want to look at his leadership skills You know, how is he leading himself? It's first of all, like I've been saying like I think at the core of mate selection is procreation, so whether or not you even want kids. I think you should have some kind of Reverence for what that means because at the end of the day from a woman's perspective if you're with a man you're essentially saying whether subconsciously or Consciously that the world needs more of him and I want to help me That happen, right and I want to help grow what he has going on So the world can see a bigger version of him and unfortunately our community in particular The men that are being chosen for that honor are just men who look the part his beer connect. He's six foot He dark skinned out of that's in style he likes game when I was You see what I'm saying and it's these shallow Um Benchmarks that now men are being asked to hit and if you tell us this is the bar we gonna hit that bar And if we can't hit that bar, we're gonna head somewhere that I'm can but like and this this is the part about this whole passport bro thing that Particularly breaks my heart in order to even be a passport bro You have to have a certain kind of job. You have to have certain kind of income You have to have a certain skill set that is marketable regardless of where you are in the world Those are the men that are leaving the ones that women are complaining about they're gonna be right here with y'all You see what I'm saying so like this is this is dire especially for women who are still looking for companionship We're still looking for if you don't want that that's cool But if you're looking for that you need to pay attention Why these men go into Peru in Brazil and Columbia and what is it that those women are doing that? We're not but often just like those shallow benchmarks We're asked to hit a lot of women only hit shallow ways of thinking about that Oh, it's cuz those bitches have good hair or it's cuz it's cuz she don't speak no English or exotic nobody's more exotic They all that's a fact. Exactly. Nobody's Nobody's more sexy like it's it's like I'm telling somebody Often how it feels I'm like, okay your upper body is good You need to start working on your legs and I see you in the gym doing doing freaking bench press I'm like you really don't want it. You still just working on the thing. You know, you're good at as opposed to the pain of like Being terrible at this thing whether it's being warm or friendly or whatever the case may be and slowly working your way Into that becoming a lifestyle and eventually you will attract not just a man But the type of friends for sure that are going to change your disposition That's one thing I've been working on in mice in my healing the singleness healing because I've never been I But I've never been like this single to where I've been able to Take a look at myself and see what parts of me is missing that I know that this man could bring to the table I've never I've never even thought about that part. I'm just I've always looked at the external. He looked good Oh, yeah, he packing whatever whatever, but I've never looked into the fact of what can he add to what I already have How can he help me grow as a person? Will I be able to help him grow as a person? Can we bring that balance to the table? That's one thing that I've been learning to pick up on and within my healing journey and my single journey my singleness because Right now I'm free and I love it. Yeah, I love it here Let me learn more about myself. Yeah, cuz that's where I'm at and I think for me like to put it in a black perspective I think what's the most heartbreaking about this situation is like When you look at the history of Colonialism you look at the history of slavery the whole Concept was how can we make? Black men in particular as unnecessary as possible, right? So during slavery like we talked about last time protect and provide yeah men couldn't do any of those things so Ideally or not ideally, but essentially men didn't exist for 400 years black men did not exist for 400 years now because of that we are hypersensitive to feeling obsolete Mm-hmm, and our women have also been socialized to reinforce the idea that we're obsolete Nothing feels better as a man than feeling needed Oh for sure and when we hear women whether in a soft way or more harsh way I don't need you for that that that that or I can do that that that that which is Unfortunately the prevailing narrative amongst our women of and you know It's not y'all's fault like y'all without fathers without having been to rely on yes The mindset is I can do it by myself, but unfortunately the men that you want they need to be needed They need that's how we drive. That's how we drive and and what I've seen be the most successful is The mindset of like I said before He's a good man. I've done my due diligence So I'm not just making this shit up and projecting an idea of who I want him to be He is a good man, right? How can I help put him in environments or put him in situations to? Flex that muscle My man strong. Here's a jar of pickle show me You see what I'm saying, but unfortunately what tends to happen is that energy is being put towards sons a Man that is he's your age or older, but he's essentially your son. You're raising him Because unfortunately with a man who is a man and he doesn't need you for real There is that fear of Being obsolete and since you're in your masculine energy for the most part you've adopted some of men's fears of Feeling unnecessary and that's why I think you see some women with these Adult toddlers. That's what I call these men Because if he disappoints me I expected but if good dude disappoints me a good dude lets me know that I'm not really adding anything to his life. That is a shot to my ego my heart my chest my Talked about that last time and that's one of the clips and they were like, what did you do when you figured out? Problem did you apologize? I did many times But I can't say something that I learned the two men and it's been to don't y'all bash me I fumbled too good man. I know that in my in my lifetime in my journey both of them challenged me as a woman they based Put a mirror in my face and said you need to fix that. Why would why would you do that? Why do you act like that? Why don't you talk like that? And I was like, oh, no, you know No, I mean, you know, you can't but the fact of the matter was they was like, okay You won't get it right deuces, you know I'm out and there I was to sit in that the first time it didn't click with the second time it did But there I was I now as 40 40 year old woman trying to figure that out So, you know, I hear the conversation a lot in reference to How women project with a real man should be I hear like a real if you're a real man And they'll follow up with something like you'll do this that in the third They don't know that has to do with contribution to her lifestyle. No, if you're a good trick. That's what she's saying. Yeah That's exactly because but the essence of a real man is one who's willing to work through your trauma with you Help you elevate and alleviate. That's what a real man is. He's not one that's gonna say, hey, you know Because you look good you fine. You got all this, you know the status, you know I'm happy for you and clap his hands, you know, because he know the person he living with You know the people on the outside don't He's providing what you need. He's providing what you need And that one piece of that desire that I was talking about earlier that you didn't know that you need it what you need Yeah, and you can tell the difference of A man and a woman because woman no woman if they know woman, they know the woman's past And if she get what a man that has took her and descended her no woman No, because they paying attention They like he did that But when she don't recognize that when she get boastful and big headed then she loses the respect for that man that helped her And that happens in a lot of cases It happens in a lot of cases it's like hold on now you you wasn't like that before you met me You know, but now you like that and it's like oh now there's a sense of I would have gotten like that Exactly, you know I'm saying yeah, but this I have a non-popular opinion. I going back to the whole water analogy It's funny. Look at that I think I think women are the embodiment of chaos And what I mean by that I mean in the best way possible, you know creation happens in chaos, you know Biblically scientifically even childbirth chaotic process Beauty comes out of chaos, so I don't necessarily mean it in a bad way, but I also mean it in a bad way and and I say that to say Women just left to y'all's devices are chaotic. Let's be real you bleed once a month I don't know how you remain a normal person when blood comes out of your generals once a month, and that's normal, right? But with that being said, I think men are in a sense supposed to be a river a river bed, right? We're supposed to guide that chaotic energy, right? And I think because we've been so disconnected from one another y'all are just Flowing every goddamn way I'm telling you your tsunami is out here, and I think I think you know when we look at it The male female essence was was created or is intended to guide children And now I think that's why you're having so many men with that chaotic female energy And we call them gangsters, but they're women if you're being real They're triggered easily You know, they're ready to crash out now they're women with muscles, which is dangerous and testosterone But they're women nonetheless. So how can we get back to That symbiotic relationship of river and river bed? I don't know. I saw a post. I think I might have sent that to you too. It was talking about how Men match energy With women now women like women women sound like we don't want a man that matches our energy Because y'all know it's chaotic And in my like I read it and I started reading the comments of it and it was like First of all it was men matching women and women's energy And women like this is what we're talking about blah blah blah, but For me all I kept thinking about was What the hell kind of energy are they matching from you that makes you not want them? because Why wouldn't you want your partner to match your energy? Why wouldn't you want somebody that's going to match whatever you're bringing? So in saying this post when you thought you girl you thought you ate To someone who understands what you're saying You're saying you want a man to deal whatever shit you put out there And then and if he bucks up back at you it's a problem So you get to be chaos And he has to be peace and calm all those times that like how do you expect to find who you need and who you want When you want to basically be a bitch And he gets to just deal with it because he has a penis like I can't make that make sense. So we said that Men are a reflection of woman toxicity Then they said we toxic So we just a reflection of that How do we explain that And I I think it kind of Coincides with the river river bed analogy because the river can widen the river bed But the river bed guides the river right so it's a symbiotic relationship like a woman can change a man Right now. I don't want you to go in there thinking you're going to change a plumber into a damn ceo But you can expand the man you can Make a man like I said if you if you see him as a Bigger better version of himself a man will live up to a man will live up to your expectations, right? So a woman has power in that sense however Just like bruce lee Talks about like water If you put water in a cup it becomes the cup You're meant to conform to me not the other way around Right and once you conform to me you can expand me from the inside But this idea and we see all these lists coming out Don't take me to x y z or don't do this or real men this real men that and it's like This shit is ass backwards and it's not going to work. And when you come across a real man He's gonna look at you like you got shit on your face. That's crazy. That's That's that's like was one of the most ridiculous things That I like seen on the internet recently, you know with that list Yeah, like this crazy Because bro, you can take me to McDonald's when I'm craving some nuggets and fries and I'm cool with it You can take me to the grocery store and walk down the aisle. We are we are bonding. We are we're dating I've been telling dudes because this is where we fuck up at We see certain things and we believe y'all. I'm like, yo You believe that it's they it's they full of shit, right? Even these women posting these especially these women posting is like her baby daddy is none of that He took her to wendy's So it's bullshit and it's like when It's not sustainable either It's not sustainable, but the reality is and it's part of y'all's chaos Women will change their rules for men that they actually like for sure. I've I've come across with me Yeah, I'm saving myself is it okay. Well, see I'm raising a son my son is damn near man he's 17 and I'm trying to teach him how to be a better man on my own Um We all know that's hard I cannot do that I cannot do that So I'm showing him not how to treat a woman But I'm helping him to understand a woman So that he doesn't so that he doesn't get into this mindset of I'm I'm very happy. I really like this girl and she's she's the one I don't want him to just settle So that's what I mean about that. But like, yeah, this this is what I would say A woman can teach a man how to swim, but he can't she can't teach him how to fish That's true Right fish don't know they're in water, right and for all intents and purposes. You're a woman. You're a fish, right? With your scenario, I see two outcomes that usually happen Either you raise future Unfortunately, like he knows how to treat a woman enough to manipulate them. Yeah. Um, or You raise this idealistic boy and I've seen this play out too Where like he's the one who's getting married right after high school because he's trying to be everything that he wanted his mom to have Not realizing that the women that he's gonna come in contact with are not 36. They're 16 You know what I'm saying? So he doesn't even know how to navigate that because he unfortunately women Sometimes make their sons do the emotional labor of a husband Right and and did the boy for all intents and purposes since he was 10 has been the woman's husband Right. So the best thing I encourage mothers of sons to do is get that boy around some men Yeah, hopefully his father is a caliber of man that can guide him in the right way Unfortunately, that's not For my male village that I right but you got to get you got to get them in that middle Because they're going to they're going to be able to translate some of y'all's chaos that you might not even see They do Thank you, we have on blind We have on blind fish don't know they're in water, you know, that's that's that's what it and just like I said Just even the whole idea of women are the embodiment of chaos like most women don't even think about that They they think about it from a men need to be more like us And it's like if men were like y'all you Listen or they try to put us on the equal playing field, you know, it's equals, you know The conversation is more about Um, a man is a man a woman is a woman, you know, there's no such thing as an equilibrium there But they want us to be on equilibrium because for some reason it shows them that we respect y'all more Yeah, you know a man's idea of respecting a woman Is totally different from your idea of how you see yourself so It's difficult sometimes to translate that in communication because then it may turn into an argument When it's it's trying to be more informative You know, uh, a lot of times when a man is speaking to his woman, she's not really listening to what he's saying You know, he can be saying something it's Very simplistic, but her mind she heard chaos And that comes back out to him. It's like I didn't even say it that way You know I'll give you that I'll wrap it up on this one So there was a clip you posted recently where you were talking and you just had to have me in there Where I was doing my rocking thing. It was one of our early blame him I was I was rocking I what you could tell from my by language. I was not I wasn't listening. I was ready to just attack and go in on it um And so I commented on it and I was just like, you know, I was not being receptive to it and I bring it up because I was so appreciative of the men who like commented and were saying like Thank you for knowing that you weren't that you were not being receptive Now some of you some of the men I guess you didn't see my comment because you was eating me up But whatever but they were just saying like it is huge for you to be that introspective To understand that you're not receiving what what's being said to you and to you know Pull yourself out and call yourself out. So I say that to say Men are waiting for us. Yes To take back our power They're they need us to understand who we are and that sometimes we're the problem in those situations And once they can see that we understand it and can reflect on it They're ready with the praise because I'm I've received such an outpouring of love from black men I've never had that happen to me before Like I've never had black men praise me in that way for correcting myself So I say that to say women they're waiting on us To realize that we need to fix some things. They're waiting on us to give them the direction to Allow them to be the leaders that they're meant to be That makes sense That's the piece I've been breaking down with my son That's that piece I've been breaking down with him and can I add something to that something? I had to learn myself on my healing journey a lot of time We're not listening because we the first sentence or the first few words We're triggering because we're listening and it's being filtered through trauma Any motion so now it's being filtered through trauma and he didn't even say that but we heard trauma we heard and it took us back to a place to where we Experienced a man talking down or coming at us when actually he's trying to help and now we are in attack mode Because we didn't take off the lens of trauma and he like I didn't say that And we're like, yes, you did. No, you heard that but I didn't say that And so when we Realized that a lot of that we're hearing is from trauma that we have to heal that Then we'll understand now I can listen and say he's trying to help me He's trying to build me whereas this last man was tearing me down because he was insecure So he tore me down to make me come down to his level So now I feel like you're tearing me down When in essence because you love me as a real man, you're saying listen fix that Let me help you tidy that up before you go out into the world and somebody see your slip hanging And when you fix it they put you up here. Listen, I they they they build you right Like I said, they I was built up by men Randomly and it wasn't on no a baby girl none of this up It was strictly sticking to built up and then go I saw something the other day and said that Men actually take breakups harder than women realize Because when a woman and a man split from a woman's perspective, it's almost like You lost a parent from a man's perspective. It's almost like you lost a child Right and the the thing about that is we're all prepared to lose our parents We know it's gonna happen one day, but no parents should have to bury their child Exactly right so a lot of men, especially the ones you're talking about who want to see you improve Once you don't or once you disappoint them in a way there is a mourning process Now we might go fuck bitches and all that other shit That's what y'all are gonna say, we ain't gonna excuse that part And they're gonna post it In our hearts You know what I'm saying? In our hearts I ain't know what's going on You don't let me know I've dealt with different types of men Let's give the freshman final thoughts, you're the freshman of the crew So final thoughts, how was this conversation from your perspective? What are some things that you're thinking about after this? During this or during this, yeah I felt like a student like I was listening and I was honing in on my single af I'm learning in this experience and this journey and like I'm learning from each one of y'all Sister, I'm learning from her every single day but I mean, it's a healthy balance and I appreciate the conversation And I I definitely took in some learning experiences today. Absolutely. That's what it's about That's the table. I appreciate all the beautiful people coming Being open, you know carrying all these great conversations with me and brother Allen. Absolutely And I want to say ladies, let me just look in the camera Look, I just want to say this honestly Ladies, if you are quick to open up your legs, please be quick to open up your minds That's all I want to say quicker I feel sexual though that just I'm sorry Episode six y'all tune in For real man appreciate it