 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. Lucky, it's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time for the taste that you like. Light up, Lucky Strike. Relax. It's light of time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and I certainly agree. There's no time like right now to light up a Lucky and find out firsthand what real deep down smoking enjoyment is. I mean the enjoyment that comes from better taste because a Lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better. And then something very important happens to Lucky's fine tobacco. It's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, while the show gets underway, or whenever it's light of time for you, be happy. Go Lucky. Enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a Lucky Strike right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light up time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and the Earth Truly Died Welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, once a week the Beverly Hills Beavers have a meeting to discuss matters pertaining to the good and welfare of the club. As we look in on them now, one of their meetings is in progress. Now, the motion before the house is, resolve that the Beavers spend their treasury consisting of $13.72 on a party, or instead of a party, we should put the money in the bank and save it. We will first hear arguments in favor of having the party. You, Joy, may have the floor. I think we should have the party because they're fun. We all had a good time at our last party. Yeah, but at this one, let's talking about Jimmy, at the last party, the way you carried on with Kathy. She didn't all the carrying on, Harry. I want her to sit with the rest of you fellows. But Kathy led me into a dark corner where the lights were low. What happened? She ate my ice. I think girls are fun at a party. I'd go see it in baseball. But the girls made us play post-office. Oh boy, was that disgusting. Look, fellas, let's decide first whether we're going to have the party or save the money. Then we can decide whether we want girls or not. But if we want the party, what are we going to have to eat? All the usual thing. Popcorn, cracker jackal, Henry bars, peanuts, chocolate caramels, popsicles, jelly apples, dad's old fashioned root beer, marshmallows, and ice cream. Look, fellas, first let's settle where we're going to have the party. Then we'll discuss the details. We have heard discussion in favor of spending the money in our treasuriana party. Now we will hear from the other side. Well, I think... I think we ought to put the money in the bank. Fellow beavers, while I'll admit that parties are fun, you've got to be practical and save money. And compared to money, parties are inconse... inconse... Inconsequential. Yes, yes. Inconsequential. I am C.O. I know how to spell it. Now look, kids, don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good time too. I was young once myself. I remember when I was a kid, we used to have parties with girls and everything. Gee, do they have girls in those days? Now look, fellas, if you want to have a party, I'll show you I'm a good sport. We can have the party at my house. Fine. I make a motion that we adjourn. I second the motion. I'm glad we got the meeting over early so I could walk home. Gee, the boys were cute today discussing the party. I'll never forget the first party I ever attended when I was a kid. I met a girl there named Betsy, and boy, did I have a crush on her. And after that party, I never saw Betsy again. Understand, she was busy making a flag or something. Sometimes I think that they... Or they get out of the way of the man riding up on the horse there. Why, Mr. Kidster! Hansel, what are you doing on that horse? Who decided you occasionally for the exercise? Well, it seems a pleasant way of working out. Working out? Yes. Pleasant, no? Well, when the horse is going down, I'm going up. And when the horse is coming up, I'm coming down. And when we are coming together, it's not exactly inconsequential. Inconsequential? I... Mr. Kitzel, is this your horse? No, I'm renting him occasionally from a riding academy, but he's a very steady Mendel. Kitzel, the horse's name is Mendel? Only when I'm riding him. I started to tell you he's a very smart horse. You know, he's been on television, in movies, everything. Who he does many tricks? Just ask him, Mr. Benny, ask him how much is two and two. Okay, tell me, Horsey, how much is two and two? Gee, that's wonderful. He really is a smart horse. Oh, yeah, he earns about $15,000 a year. Say, that ain't hay. To him it is. Yeah, jeez, a nice looking horse. I've never seen a horse with a mustache. You know, Mr. Kitzel, a horse is an amazing animal. It's so huge and tremendous. And yet, the hair from its tail makes a thing as delicate as the bow from my violin. I mean, you personally. Well, I got to be galloping along. Okay, it was nice seeing you again, Mr. Kitzel. Likewise, I'm sure. Goodbye. Goodbye. High home and away. Clever horse that was. Who'd ever think that Mel Blank could count up to four? Well, I better be getting home. Yes, Rochester. Any mail or phone calls? Folks, we got a bill from the phone company. A bill from the phone company? Yeah, for the month of May. But this is only April. It's for 1954. We paid that in August. That was 1952. What happened to 1953? They took the phone out. I had to stop that. Everybody in Pershing Square knew my business. Well, I think I'll go in the library and read a while. Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mr. Wilson is here to see you. Don, Wilson, where is he? Oh, asleep in the den. Sleep? Well, I'll go in and see him. Look at him lying there. The only room I've ever seen with wall-to-wall flab. I wonder what he's dreaming about now. Look at that smile on his face. I'm Marilana. Oh, that chubby little rascal. Look who he's dreaming about. You girls are so beautiful. I can't help noticing your hands. Hands? Gosh, the way you hold those lucky strikes. Commercial. Can't he even dream sustaining? Heaven is safe. L.S. M.F.T. L.S. M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. See, listen to that. And lucky strikes are toasted, too. I've never seen anyone sleep with such a happy-go-lucky smile. You know, Rochester dreams are funny. Did I tell you about the one I had last night? No, what was it? What a dream. You know, I dreamt I was shipwrecked on a desert island. And on this island, there was nothing but girls. Hundreds of the most beautiful girls you've ever seen. Uh-huh. What a dream. They formed a circle and danced around me, made me their king. Then night came. And what happened? Suddenly a sign flashed on, saying, Please stand by. Our picture has been temporarily interrupted. I don't know. When I dream about cowboys, I always finish them. Want me to answer the phone, Mr. Benny? Yes, please, Rochester. Mr. Benny's rather dance. Hello, Rochester. I'd like to speak to Mr. Benny. This is Sammy the drummer. Just a second. Oh, Mr. Benny, it's for you. It's Sammy the drummer from your orchestra. Oh, thanks. Hello, Sammy. Say, Jack, would it be okay if Charlie bagged me Mr. Band rehearsal tomorrow? Why, what's the matter with Charlie? Well, he hasn't recovered from the accident he had on the fishing trip we took to Lake Mead last week. I didn't know he had an accident. What happened? He fell off the boat and disappeared under the water. Disappeared under the water? Yeah, we couldn't find him. We tried everything. We even baited a hook with a bottle of old crow, hoping he'd bite on it. Oh, crap, Charlie. It didn't, though. All we caught was Frank Remley. Wait a minute. Remley didn't fall in the water, too, did he? He wasn't even on a boat. He swam in from Los Angeles. I knew he could do it. It's wonderful to see Franky do the Australian crawl across the Mojave Desert. Well, we'll try to rehearse without bagged me. So long, Sammy. Goodbye. Oh, by the way, Jack, I want to thank you for lending me that the other night. Oh, that's all right, Sammy. The next time, don't part it in the middle, you know. So long. Want me to answer the door? No, I'll get it. Oh, Mr. Sandman, let me finish my dream. The one on the island, I'll keep it clean. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. Come on in. How are you feeling, kid? Fine. I came over to ask you a favor. A favor? Yeah, I'm on my way to buy a new suit, and I thought maybe you'd help me pick one out. Dennis, you're a grown man. Surely you ought to know how to pick out a suit for yourself. Well, I don't. Haven't you ever bought a new suit before? Not since I worked for you. Now, wait a minute, Dennis. I pay you a good salary. What do you do with your money? Oh, I've been saving it for a rainy. What? In California, that can break you. Look, Dennis. Last January, I had a float alone. Now, cut that out! And stop with those jokes about rain in California. We need rain. If it didn't rain in California, what would happen to the crops? What are you growing this year? Rice. Now dry your feet. Let me hear the song you're going to do on the show Sunday. Yes, sir. Come on, you can accompany yourself on the piano in the den. Hey, when did you get that big, overstuffed sofa? That's Don Wilson. Now go ahead and sing, will you? A lot you know about singing. Oh, be quiet. I thought it was good, too. Oh, Don! No, Don, I can't understand why you came over to my house to sleep. Well, Jack, that was really an accident. I came about something else. Oh, what was it? Well, I read something in one of the trade papers that might interest you. 20th Century Fox is making a big cinemascope picture, and they're looking for someone... A leading man? A leading man? No. A leading man? A leading man? Jack, they've already got a leading man. They wanted me, but I didn't have a new suit. Stop, will you? Well, here, Jack, I've brought the column over with me. You can read it yourself. Let's see. Production is being held up on one of Fox's epics because the time of the picture is the early 20s and they are unable to locate a very vital prop. A 1923 Maxwell. Mr. Zanick will pay handsomely to anyone who can supply such a car. Oh, boy, that's a model I have, a late 1923 Maxwell. Am I in luck? What are you going to do? I'm going right over there with my car. Oh, Rochester! Yes, Mr. Belly? Get the car. We're going over to 20th Century Fox Studios. Fox Studios? With pictures I thought we would ask a spiel. Oh, that's my car. Come on, let's get going. But what about my suit? We'll drop you off on the way to the studio. Do you want to come too, Don? No, I'll just stay here and sleep. Okay, come on, Dennis. Let's get in the car. Dennis, what kind of a suit do you want to get? Well, something with two pair of pants. I can wear them both at once like my friend does. Your friend wears two pairs of pants at once? What's his name? Mendel. Of course. Oh, yes, I met him this afternoon. He counts better than I do. I know, I know. Come on, get in the car. Okay, start the car, Rochester. Yes, sir. I wonder if this causes smog or if smog causes this. Try it again, Rochester. Yes, sir. I forgot to put in the clutch. Rochester, where are you going? To get the clutch. Stop with the jokes and start the car. Yes, sir. I'll turn here, Rochester, and then go straight down to Pico. Yes, sir. Yes! What? Up in the sky, that blue and gray pigeon with a thing tied to his leg. No wonder Claudette didn't come to my party last year. She didn't get the invitation. Everybody from Pershing Square was there, but no Claudette. I'll ask the gateman to let us drive right into the studio with the car. Yeah, he said he'd phone the producer, Mr. Kerns, to tell him we were coming. That must be him over there signaling us to stop. I mean, are you Mr. Kerns? Oh, yes. Are you the man with the car? That's right. Here it is. Oh, wait a minute. This won't do it all. We want a Maxwell. And on this car it says Lincoln. He was the first owner. Don't be so funny. That's a Lincoln hubcap we found, Mr. Kerns. Oh, well then why are you using it for a door? Because it fits. It fits. It's a 1923 Maxwell. Oh, yes. So it is. So it is. Oh, now, Mr. Benny, let's get down to business. Will $50 be all right? Only $50? Make it $75 and it's a deal. That's a lot of money for renting a car $75 a day. A day? I thought you wanted to buy it. I think $50 is a fair price. Good. Now, I'd like to hear how the motor sounds. You've got the car again, will you? Yes, sir. That's good. By the way, Mr. Kerns, what are you going to use my car for? Well, when the picture opens, we see a shot of this car driving down the street and Marilyn Monroe is sitting in it. Marilyn Monroe. Roger, the radiator blew its cap. See if you can fix it. Well, the motor sounds OK. You can turn it off. Now, Mr. Benny, if you'll just sign this paper, we'll consummate the deal. OK, but what else are you going to do with my car and the picture? Well, in the final scene, we're going to run it off a 1,000-foot cliff. My car? You're going to run my car off a cliff? Yes. You mean it hasn't already been done? Certainly not. And I can't agree to a deal like that. This car has been with me so long, it's almost part of me. If this car would run off a cliff, it would be like, well, like me being pushed off a cliff. That's a deal you should discuss with Warner Brothers. Well, your deal might not be too bad. I think that I might consider it. Oh, gosh, I've looked all over for you. Why not? Claudette Colbert got your invitation. She'll be at your party Saturday. Well, what do you know? The pigeon finally made it. He gets back in time. We'll have squab. We'll be back in just a minute. But right now, here's a suggestion for you. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky stride. Relax. It's light. It's not a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at home. Or any time at all when you want to enjoy a really great cigarette. Just lean back and light up a lucky. Because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous lucky strike process that tones up luckies fine tobacco brings it to its peak of flavor, makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, friends, or any time at all when it's light of time for you, make it a lucky. The best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky stride. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Hold still, Mr. Benny. Look, I, but I... Please, Mr. Benny, don't talk till I'm finished taking your temperature and your pulse. Oh, look, Jack, you better not move or you'll disturb the splints. How was I to know when the car went over the cliff I'd have to be driving it? Some people won't do for money. I think that's the silliest thing I... Hello? Oh, now, wait a minute. Well, okay, I'll be there. Who is that, Jack? Fox Studios. Tomorrow I do retakes. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, here's the true tobacco taste you've been looking for. Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full, rich flavor of Tarleton's famous quality tobacco, and real filtration too. Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and wide to purify the air we breathe, the water and beverages we drink. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.