 David and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Ritchett in his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guest, the Paramount star of and the angel saying Miss Dorothy Lamore and starring... Oh, stop all that noise. Where are you, your honor? All right. How are you feeling, your honor? What's the matter? Greetings, your honor. Costello, please don't call me your honor around here. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to know that my old pal, Bud Abbott, has just been elected mayor of Sherman Oaks, California. So help me, this is no gag, it's on the level. And I say... That's the truth. And I say, let's give his horror a... All right. Speech, Abbott, speech. Come on, do the speech. All right. That's a little too short, Abbott. We'll understand. You've got to speech. I didn't start yet, Costello. Come on, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and make a speech. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. That's all. Not just a minute, Costello. No, not the way he talks now. Just a minute. Ladies and gentlemen. Not just a minute. So fluid, please. Now listen, no, please. I'm very proud. Right in my eye. I am. Never mind. I am very proud to be mayor of Sherman Oaks. It's a beautiful little town. Yes, I'll say it is. I just drove through it on the way down here, Abbott. You did? What's that little green building right next to the pool room? Oh, that's the city hall. Well, you better get out there right away. The rats are dragging it down the sewer. Costello, are you insinuating that Sherman Oaks is a small town? Brother, that town is so small, the motorcycle cop goes around on roller skates. Oh. Boy, is it a lonely place. Lonely? You heard me, Abbott. It's so lonely out there, the mosquitoes go around stinging each other. Ah, not. But I like the way it's laid out. What do you mean? It's a graveyard with lights. All right, Costello, go ahead and laugh. But wait until next week. I'm moving into the mayor's residence. The mayor's residence. Now there's a lovely house. Two rooms and a path. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Are you waiting till you see it next week? I'm going to have the most beautiful house in Sherman Oaks. I'm putting a wing on it. Why don't you put two wings on it and fly it over to Glendale? Well, Costello, there's no sense discussing politics with you. You're too ignorant. Ignorant? I'll have you know that in my class at school, I was a moron. A moron? Is that good? In my class, it's excellent. Oh. Oh, never mind politics. We have something more important to think about. We're starting our new picture at MGM next week, a new leading lady. Abbott, you're right. The last leading lady we had, boy, was she murdered. Why? What was wrong with her? Every time I kissed her, she sounded like she was gargling. And what was she doing? Gargling? Well, you have nothing to worry about this time. Metro says we can cast the whole picture ourselves. Oh, good. Good. Well, good evening, boys. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Say, Ken, Costello and I are getting ready to cast our next picture. And we are looking for a leading lady. Well, of course, my beautiful wife would be wonderful for the part. Look, Niles, we're not making a horror picture. Now, look here, Costello. I'll have you know that my wife is a prized beauty. I stole her from Carrie Grant. That ought to teach Grant to keep a stable door locked. It's Mrs. Niles' little... I said, have you know, Costello, that I could be a star in pictures? Why, only last week, a director told me that there was character, dignity, strength, and intelligence in my face. He must have been reading between the lines. Costello, that's very unkind. Mrs. Niles has no lines in her face. Oh, no. If she had a string on each ear, she'd look like a Phoenician blind. Break you in two. Well, what is it? I couldn't stand two of you. I really told him that time, dear. Oh, you're a card. Oh, no, Kenneth, you're a card. Oh, no, no, you're a card. Oh, why is this Kenneth, you are a card? Well, there's a couple of old cards. There is that arguing, Costello. Mrs. Niles may be just the leading lady we're looking for. Oh, thank you, Mr. Abbott. Oh, but you better give me a contract at once, because two leading men are fighting over me right now. Who are they? Frankenstein and Dracula? Why, I can get hit by a truck and look better than you do. Not a fire was driving a truck. Costello, you're always in-selling people. Fighting with them. I can't help it. Well, why don't you be like me with dignity? I have poison personality. Yes, everybody says you got a poison personality. Just a minute. Just a minute as the mayor of Sherman Oaks, I have to mingle with the people. For instance, yesterday I christened a ship. Oh, what's so terrific about that? What do you mean? I'm supposed to christen an old oil tanker today, right after this program. Answer that. Hello, Costello speaking. Mr. Costello, this is the shipyard. Are you coming down here to christen the tanker today? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be there. Well, you better bring another long, another bottle of champagne. Bile south of Pearl Harbor is Christmas Island, pinpoint of land in the South Pacific. One among scores of little-known islands garrisoned by American fighting men. Two Christmas Island to United States bases throughout the world go camel cigarettes by the million, by the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. And when camels get to the mid-Pacific, or to you, they're fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning. For camels are packed to go around the world. Because camels are so fresh, because they have more flavor, more people want camels now, both at home and overseas. So remember, if your store was sold out today, try again. Camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Come in. Gentlemen. Well, we're Abbott and Costello. All right, I'll keep on looking. Hey, just a minute, kid. Who might you be? I might be Herdy Lamar, but I'm not. We might be Abbott and Costello. And we are! We are, certainly. I understand you two boys is making a picture. How did you find that out? Bad news travels fast. Hey, Abbott, this name is so ugly, she looks like Mrs. Niles with a hangover. No problem. In my last picture, I was beautiful. They photographed me through our cheesecloth. They should have photographed the cheese. Just a minute, miss. I'd like to know who sent you over here. I'll have you to understand. I'm a personal friend from Goldwyn. He thinks I'm a very fine actor. Goldwyn? Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Hey, Abbott. If she's a friend of Goldwyn's, we'll have to give her a chance. You're right. You're right. Costello, go ahead, miss. Do something. Well, I'll do for you a little poem. It's only for additions. It's a shoddy. Goldwyn sent you over here? What kind of damage are we going to be getting in our picture? Well, now, don't get excited, Costello. I've already talked to Dorothy Lamour, and she's going to come over and discuss the part of our leading lady. Dorothy Lamour? Yes. Boy, oh boy. I can hardly wait until she gets here. You know, I feel like kissing her again. Again? Did you ever kiss Dorothy Lamour? No, but once before, I felt like it. Oh, man. Well, for your information, Costello, I am going to be Miss Lamour's leading man. But you have a part, too. You're going to be the stuntman. Stuntman? Not me, Abbot. I had an uncle who was a stuntman. He used to take his right hand and stick it in a lion's mouth. Really? What's your uncle's name? Now we call him Lefty. Lefty? Boy, you love the part of a stuntman. You'll be all through the picture with Dorothy Lamour. Now, in the opening scene, Dorothy is kidnapped by a desert sheep. He rides away with her on his horse. Look! Look! There he goes. Which way? What's the difference which way? You've got no way to look. Quiet. Listen, we have no time to lose. We must chase after the kidnapper. You jump on your horse. I jump on my horse. As you land on the saddle, you're perfectly sure. Yeah. Your face is stirring. My face is stirring. Your clutch is strong. How's my transmission? Okay. Ah, never mind. Your horse leaves forward. And you give him the bit. I give him a bit. Yes. I give him what? You give the horse a bit in his mouth. What kind of talk is that? Give him a bit in the mouth. You mean I give him a bite in the mouth. No, no, no, Costello. You dig in the spurs. Your horse leaves forward. You soar through space. Soar where? Soars on the horse. You can say that again. Finally, we head off the kidnapper. And we must throw myself in front of the kidnapper's horse. That's where you come in. What do you mean? Well, you're the stuntman. Now to rescue Dorothy Lamore, you take my place and stop the runaway horse with your manly chest. I ain't stopping my horse with my beautiful body. Listen at it. How much money do I get in this picture for risk of my life? What do you care about the money? It's the experience you need. Oh, so it's the experience I need. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the horse is running madly toward you. He's frothing at the mouth. You jump in front of him and grab him by the mane. By the mane what? No, the mane. The mane, the horse's neck. The horse's neck? Yeah. The neck! What do I care if they're like the Romanes? Oh, quiet. Oh, horse, there's a horse. Just a minute. They gotta go with a horse. Can we do it? Let me finish this. What do you think we get? Little horses, I mean. Never mind that. There's a fierce struggle. And the horse drags you for a hundred yards trying to throw you. Your head is bouncing over the ruts in the road. Boy, am I in a groove. But you hang on. I hang on. You don't mind the ruts. No, I've been in a rut for years. At last the horse stumbles over you, throws you to the ground with a terrific force and comes to a stop. Where am I? Under the horse. That's a horse on me. And then with a sigh... Wait a second. How much money did you say I was gonna get for this? I said forget the money. It's the experience you need. Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's the experience that I need. All right, now let me continue. And then with a sigh of gratitude, Dorothy Lamour slips off the horse into her hero's arms. Gee. Into my arms? What? Wait a minute. What do you mean your arms? I'm the hero. And I bend down and I kiss Miss Lamour tenderly. What's the big idea of it? I mean, I saved it. Why can't I kiss her? Costella, you're not being paid to kiss Dorothy Lamour. What do I care about money? It's the experience. Get out of here. This is a brand new song for which she predicts a huge success. It's called My Love You Haven't Gone Away. My... Give me something sweet and low. Oh, I mean something sweet and low and flat. And it can be worse than your cigarette. If your cigarette has developed a case of wartime flatness, then you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Get camels. Camel cigarettes do have more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. More flavor is what helps camels hold up. Keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Prove that for yourself in your own taste and throat. Your T-zone proving ground for camel cigarettes rich extra flavor and smooth extra mildness. And remember, camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. C-A-M-D-L-S. Camel cigarettes. They're first in the service. They've got what it takes. It's Dorothy Lamonti. It's so long to get here. Well, I rode over on one of Crosby's horses. Dorothy. Dorothy, you look beautiful tonight. You know, I've always been one of your picture fans. And I... Thank you, bud. And I've always been one of your radio fans. And I... Now that I've met you, I'll be one of your personal fans. Yes, and I... Now that I've met you, bud, I'll be one of your picture fans. Well, you two, don't stop fanning each other. I'm going to get pneumonia. I'll be random. Sorry, I don't... The fan and a sarong. But who in the world is this overstuffed grubworm? Grubworm? I became a star before you were born. Stopping a torn shower curtain and do it each. That's no way to talk about Dorothy Lamonti's sarong. Why, that sarong has earned a lot of money for Dorothy. Yes. I can see it runs into a nice figure. Yeah. I invited you over here because I'd like you to be the leading lady in our next picture. I haven't finished the picture I'm making now with Bing Hope and Bob Crosby. Bing Hope and Bob Crosby? Read it right, kid. What kind of talk is that? Sounds like Abbott's bitting them out. Well, you know who I mean, Hope and Crosby. All those guys. Why, they're just a couple of golfers, ain't they? Be a caddy. Bob and Bing are very good friends of mine. As a matter of fact, I call them Gabby and Flabby. You know, that sounds like us. I'm Gabby. And I'm Flabby Flabby. Shut up, Castella. Listen, Dorothy, what's the name of the picture you're making with Hope and Crosby? Well, it's another road film. It's called Road to Utopia. The road to what, Utopia? Utopia. It's a place where nobody works. The moon is always shining and the people just sit out under the stars and make loans. That's Utopia. That ain't Utopia. That's Griffith Park. Listen, Dorothy. Dorothy, I'm sure you'd like our picture. Well, I think so, too. You know, I'm going to play the part of a jitterbug in a post office. Well, that's silly. What would a jitterbug be doing in a post office? I'm standing at the stamp window getting in some hot licks. Some joke, eh, Dorothy? When it comes to jokes, we got 100% moron does program. Yeah, and you're the 100% moron. You see, I told you I was a moron and you wouldn't believe me. Moron's a high class Yorker, sir. All right, all right, all right. Pay no attention to him, Dorothy. In this picture, you and I are going to do a love scene. My name is Abe and your name is Anna. I see. You're Abe and I'm Anna. Yes. We have a little fight and we split up. What a picture. Abe, banana split. Now, now, stop that, Castello. Get out the script of our picture and let's run through the desert scene with Miss Lamore. Okay, but here it is. Now, in this scene, Dorothy, you're an Arabian princess, Ben Ali, and I'm your cousin, bowling Ali. Yes. You're bowling Ali? Yes. If she's going to wear a sarong, I want to be her pin boy. Castello, I think you'd make a wonderful pin boy. You do? Yes, you've got just the head for it. Well, let's get back to the scene now. Come on. What part do I play, Castello? You play the part of an Arabian civilian. An Arabian civilian? Wait a minute. An Arabian civilian? What's my name? Hassan Ben Drafted. Hassan Ben Drafted? Yes, yes. All right, so much for the parts. Now, let's try it out. Ken, you set the scene. Ready? Music. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a soggy, sagging saga of the Sahara starring Dorothy Lamore and Aberdeen Castello. The story is entitled Two Dirty Bedouins or It's Time to Change the Sheiks. As the scene opens, we see two foot sore and weary Arabs trudging across the desert. They are approaching the small town of Blemish on the chin. Curtain? We must hurry, Castello. The lovely... That's your line. Oh, boy, oh, boy, Abbott. I can't take another step. This sand is terrible, and it was my line, too. Yes. We must hurry, Castello. The lovely Princess Ben Ali is being held captive by that wicked sultan at Fay Elie Bay. That at Fay Elie Bay has certainly gone the part. Quiet. We're approaching the sultan's tent. Castello, that's the voice of the princess. It's coming from this tent here. Hello in there! Did you bust the tube or something? Hello! Wake up, everyone. It's dark in this tent, princess. I can hardly see you. There she is, Abbott. Boy, she sure has gotten skinny. You're looking at the tent pole, stupid. I'm the one over here with a turban on my head. Mine. Mine, but that's a pretty turban. Yes, it was designed by Diana. How do you like that? The new Diana turban. Come, princess, we will help you escape from the wicked sultan. Yes, I've been in this tent so long, I'm getting flap happy. Quiet. Someone's coming. Listen. The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by. Moonlight and love songs never out of date. Hey, who was that? That's Humphrey Bogart. He's walking back from Casablanca. Get me out of here. The sultan is going to sell me as a slave. Don't worry, princess. We will help you get out, escape. But it's miles across the desert. Do you have a car? Nope. Do you have a jeep? Nope. Well, do you have horses? Nope, but I got a wagon. Who's going to pull the wagon? My little pecanese dog. How can a little pecanese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon? We've got whips. I will give you the kiss that made me famous. The kiss of fire. Like this. You ain't kidding, are you? Pay me this week. Go on some more coal. All right. You got it? All right, come on. Cut out the lights. I've got the smoke. She's fainted. She may be dying of it. To the yanks of the week. Tonight we salute Private Grady Robbins of Enid, Oklahoma. One of a small unit of Americans attacking German positions near the Anzio beachhead. After the men in his unit were thrown back four times before barbed wire defense works, Private Robbins took a light machine gun off its tripod and holding it in his hands, fired it as he walked forward, enabling the other infantrymen to pour through the entanglements and take the position. In your honor, Private Grady Robbins, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week. Send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. The total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan to thank audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Saturday to Bob Hawkin, thanks to the yanks. From Blondie to Blondie. And next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello with their guest, Mr. Sidney Greenstreet. And now here's Aberdeen Costello with the final word. No folks, we're a little late, so I'll just say good night and God bless you all. And next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show with our special guest, Mr. Sidney Greenstreet. Remember, camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world. Camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. This is Ken Niles, wishing you a very pleasant good night from Harvard. This is the National Broadcasting Company.