 So today we're gonna talk about 13 painful ways men use women, and I just wanna say warning, this is a trigger alert, it's a reality check. This is going to be a rant in a few moments, so bear with me. Before we begin though, I just wanna say, I feel as though that I sound like a pessimist, okay? If I'm being really honest with you all. And my intent is not to be a pessimist, my intent is to give kind of a reality check on the temperature gauge of what I observe in the dating marketplace. And so I know it might seem frustrating, the idea of being used by somebody, the idea that that would even happen. And yet what I've witnessed and what I've observed is there's a significant percentage of human beings, men and women alike, who are deeply wounded in their childhood or their past relationships. And there's an old saying, broke, hurt people, I was gonna say broken people, but hurt people hurt others. So if you've been hurt by someone, it's most likely that this person is already a hurting person in some way, shape or form. You just haven't uncovered what it is that caused them to, for lack of a better word, hurt you. At the same time, I do believe that there is an importance that we take ownership in our lives, both our individual ownership, but also taking some, I don't wanna, maybe ownership isn't the right word, but being a bit, for lack of a better word, chivalrous, particularly for men. I said this is going to be a rant. I'm gonna say there are a lot of cowardice men out there. And at the same time, there's just as many, there's a significant percentage of women who give their power away to men. So no wonder it's a mess out there in the dating marketplace. So if you can relate to any of these, the most important thing that we have to address is that you be, your spider senses are aware. Ladies, I've been told you are supposed to have this great sense of intuition. You should have fully cultivated spider senses. And yet oftentimes, the minute we like someone, the minute we feel a connection with someone, we drop all our boundaries, we compromise, we make excuses, we enable, we do all kinds of things for those momentary blips of hope, which is a form of giving your power away. But I'm hoping that if any men are watching this right now that you actually take ownership in the way you approach relationships, you actually take a level of ownership in the way you treat women and come at it from a place of being a genuine protector of another human being instead of being a taker. And sadly, for unconscious reasons, men have developed a taking attitude. Now, I know a lot of men will say, or a lot of women will hear this rhetoric that the problem with relationships today is feminism. And because women are the boss babe and they're empowered and that they all they care about themselves, that we should go back to some sort of traditional model where it was very much a one up, one down where the man was the entire leader of the relationship and what he said goes and you just have to listen to everything he says because he's providing you a home and food and money to go buy your Gucci bags. Well, let me ask you something. Are men really, I mean, can you really count on another human being for your livelihood? That's taking a big risk. That's taking a big risk to count on someone else. And I'm not to suggest that we shouldn't be in some sort of interdependent type of relationships but the minute you give up your sovereignty to another human being, which is a lot of that manosphere rhetoric and the red pill rhetoric from my perspective, I think the minute a woman gives her power away to a man, she possibly sets herself up for failure. And while there are certainly honorable men out there that stand by their word, there's just as many broken human beings out there. And as I said in the beginning of the broadcast, hurt people, hurt other people. And that's what we're going to address today. How men have genuinely in a, well, let me reframe that. How they've unconsciously have used women in the guise of being authentic, if you will. Well, we'll see what happens with this. So again, we're going to give you 13 painful ways men use women. The first one is acting and expressing, he wants a relationship. Acting and expressing, he wants his relationship but his actions say otherwise. It fascinates me how men will say almost anything when they're on the hunt, they're on the chase for physical intimacy. We will say anything. I mean, men can genuinely say some of the most outlandish, outrageous things as to respect to their own individual character and they're particularly when it comes to wanting a relationship. And yet it fascinates me. The minute a man is physically intimate with a woman, all of a sudden out of the blue, I'm not ready for a relationship. Listen. Now, I recognize that the word relationship has different meanings to each individual. See, to me, the word relationship has a serious connotation to it in the sense that in my language, I'm seeking a serious, significant relationship, meaning partnership. That's what the word relationship to me is partnership of some sort. But you see, today, relationship can mean hooking up. It could mean friends with benefits. It could mean a situation ship and it could mean a casual relationship. And so the word relationship first has to be identified. Are you on the same page with someone? You know, interesting, I shared this in a previous video, how I had a telephone date with a woman, meaning I had a telephone call with a woman that I connected through a dating app, okay? And one of the first questions I asked her is what type of relationship are you looking for? What does commitment mean and look like for you? What does commitment and what does it mean to you? But more importantly, what does it look like for you? How often do you wanna spend time with someone? Do you want to integrate your life with another human being? Do you wanna go on trips together? Do you want to be teammates in each other's lives? Do you wanna support each other on a personal and a professional level? These are the questions I ask on a first telephone call to make sure we're on the same page. And so as I'm sharing these painful ways men oftentimes use women, I'm also inviting you to look beyond it and say, how can I cut, how can I, I was gonna say protect myself but I don't like that terminology. How can I be better prepared when I'm actually vetting another human being? And if you need some support with that, you see this link right here, johnathanasley.com forward slash coaching. There's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me. My whole area of expertise is centered around discernment. And when you're more discerning, you can actually pick up on these clues much faster but certainly this video is a good start. Number two, he always has excuses about spending time with you. And sometimes when he does it, he makes it your fault. He makes it your fault. So he's always making excuses. Again, this usually happens right after that initial hunt phase when a man has been physically intimate with you. If he's constantly making excuses about spending time with you and occasionally makes it your fault, that's a sure sign you're about to be used. You are being used by this person. And sadly, unfortunately, this happens frequently. I think some men also have a jealous streak inside of them too. So they use this jealousy to give themselves excuses as to spending time with you. Again, they make excuse about spending time with you. They make it your fault. They have jealousy attitudes. They come up with all a variety of different reasons to justify why they can't spend time with you. Number three, he avoids sharing personal things about himself. He avoids sharing personal things about himself. And we have to differentiate. It's interesting. Some men sound like they're like in a gigantic open book. They will tell you all the problems they had in their past relationships. And many of you will view that as intimacy because they shared something about their past, okay? What I'm really talking about in this particular case is really the emotional personal things. Those things that are in his heart, those things that really make him feel insecure, uncertain about himself, shameful. Now we men have been taught to be stoic and we're not supposed to show our emotions to a woman or to anybody for that matter. But some men might hide personal things about their daily life, what they're doing on a regular basis, the people that they spend time with, those personal things about an individual. That's certainly a sign that you most likely will be used by a man. Okay, number four. Now, this is one of my hypothesis. But when a man says, let's take it slow, you know, it's fascinating to me. Okay, now, ladies, I'm sure you love the idea of taking it slow, right? You love the idea of taking it slow. In other words, don't rush physical intimacy with someone. But I'm talking about the minute you've been physically intimate with a man and all of a sudden he says, I need to take things slow. What that means is I don't want to get emotionally invested in you. I am certainly happy to spend as much time having my penis go inside your vagina on a regular basis, but anything emotional, I need to drag this out because I don't want to be emotionally responsible for you. I don't want to show emotions to you because most likely it's the physical aspect of the relationship he's interested and not the deeper aspects of a relationship which are those, intimacy is into me you see. Think of, write that down, someone write that down. Intimacy, into me you see. I don't know where, I forgot where I heard that. But that's genuine intimacy. And if you're willing, the thing is it's in fact, I think it was Matthew Hussie, I heard him on a video recently say go slow and then jump in and go fast. I think relationship, like it's fascinating to me. If you ever watch the show, well think about the bachelor, think about love is blind, think about married at first sight. It's all about jumping into the deep end as fast as possible to determine if there's true compatibility. I don't believe in taking things slow. I think the minute two people are physically intimate with each other, spend a lot of time together out, figuring out if you're really compatible with one another, maybe do a little bit of that ahead of time. But certainly I think when someone says, let's take it slow after physical intimacy, that's a sure sign he's just not that into you and you most likely will be used. Again, some people have different perceptions on this. And by the way, I just wanna reiterate something. I find Matthew Hussie's content fantastic. Highly recommend going to his channel, check out his content, brilliant. He's one of the top relationship coaches. I gain a lot of value watching his content. I recommend you go there as well. Okay, number five, he talks to other women constantly but claims, not complains, he claims it's all friendly, it's all friendly. Look it, I have some female friends in my life. I mean, I have female clients, okay? So I'm unusual in this case. The average person that has multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple female friends and they're all friendly. And it's mostly on the use social media to connect with these people. These are men that are probably on some, social media is almost another form of pornography to some degree. And I don't believe that men have dozens of female friends and they're all, again, he talks to women all the time and it's all friendly. That's most likely a sign. He's just not that into you and that he's most likely going to use you. And I get that this is painful to hear. I said, this is warning, this is a reality check. This is a trigger alert, if you will. Okay, number six, his conversations with you are rather surface. You know, text messages, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. You know, it seems to me that most people, their conversations are so centered around, I mean, again, it's important to kind of talk about your day with someone, but it's so surface, it's not deeper than what's, now again, there is that what's happening now is rather important. But I think in relationship, I really invite people to go beyond the surface and really evaluate the temperature gauge of the relationship to evaluate the synergy within the relationship to evaluate the direction the relationship has headed. Those are some of the most important conversations I have on a regular basis. When, like I said, when the penis is going inside of a giant on a regular basis, the conversation about the relationship in and of itself is critically important instead of knowing, oh, you went and worked out today. Great, thanks for giving me that intel. Okay, number seven, he breaks up with you constantly and tries to get back together. Oh my God, I see this all the time. I don't know, I can't tell you how many women who have gone through my coaching program been with men that they break up with you and they get back together and break up with you and get back together. Is that really the kind of relationship you want? Isn't that painful to go through that form of abuse? The word use also has the word abuse, has the word use in it. And it saddens me, look at, look at, we can all have a blip in our relationship, one breakup, maybe possibly two. But for, and I say maybe possibly two, but if this is a repetitive cycle, one day on, one day off, one day on, one day off, one day on, one, look at, that's a form of abuse in my mind, run, forest, run, run as fast as you can. Number eight, he's selfish in the bedroom. By the way, I mean, that's like to me, that's just bullshit to be only caring about your own needs. Now I recognize that there is a level of individual satisfaction that comes with the bedroom, but I think a person who only cares about their own needs, you know, they're not attentive to their partner through physical intimacy. It's only about ejaculation. You know, that's just another form of use in my opinion, and that's painful to experience. And to some degree, we do men have our blinders on, but I'd like to think that in a healthy relationship, there's an intent to actually want to please your partner. Like there's a desire to want to do that. And certainly some men only care about getting off and that's a painful way to be used. Okay, number nine, he teases you. Now what I mean by teases you, he introduces you to important people in his life. Okay, but then he's flaky. He's just flaky. I know this could be flaky, but I think that's a tease to introduce somebody into an important person in your life and then be so disconnected on building a relationship. You have to wonder what kind of psyche, you know, I think if I, you know, and I ask yourself, if you've been introduced to somebody in their life, when you introduce someone that you're seeing to the important people in your life, that relationship has meaning. So to be flaky with communication after that is just another form of abuse, which as we said, abuse is use. Okay, number 10, he gets sex from you, but he won't post pictures of you on social media. And add to that, he has a lot of friends, okay? In other words, he's secretive about you to the people in his life. And he's secretive certainly through social media. If you ever come across a man who has lots, now I've got to be careful because I have lots of female friends on my Facebook. Did I say YouTube earlier? I'm gonna say Facebook or social media Instagram. But I'm an exception. I'm in a business where I work with women, but I'm just saying if someone has an ordinary, you know, he's a fireman or a policeman or something like that, you know, he's not like he's gonna have 8,000 female people following him. So if he has a lot of female friends and he's unwilling to share your life together on social media, well, I'm private. Yeah, why do you need that many friends if you're so private? Just some things to be aware of. Okay, number 12, he uses you as his therapist. Now, I'm gonna say a lot of people enter into relationship, you know, emotionally unhealthy people enter into relationship and they actually form a bond together often through their own individual traumas where they actually act like therapists to one another. And so they share a lot of personal problems, a lot of venting with the, you know, with no disrespect, but I'm gonna say an unqualified person. And so what happens is I look at trauma bonding in a different sense, I look at people who have deep individual traumas and they're bonding together in their mutual, you know, individual traumas, but mutually bonding together. And what happens is they act like therapists to one another. And sadly, when that one individual gets healed, they oftentimes leave the relationship. And I just don't think that's a healthy way to enter into a relationship through this trauma bonding, if you will, and I'm using that term in a different context than the way it's originally attended. Number 12, he uses you for money. In other words, he's in a state of hardship and he needs money from you. You know, folks, look, we all sometimes can use help, but you have to look at a person's life, their pattern. And you can, you start to see patterns of abuse, particularly when it comes to money. There are men who will prey on women for financial purposes. They suck you in in the beginning and then they also start siphoning out from the other end. And I think that is cruel to do that to another person to use them for financial means. This happens, not a lot, but enough to where it's noticeable, it's enough to where it's noticeable. And the last one, 13, he avoids commitment conversations. He avoids commitment conversations. Folks, if somebody's avoiding a commitment conversation but they're having regular intimacy with you, they're having regular sex with you, that penis is going inside the vagina on a regular basis, okay, let me be clear. Everything I said is predicated on you wanting commitment. So if you want commitment and he avoids commitment conversations, that's a guy that has most likely very little intent to going beyond the surface with you, other than a friend with benefits, a casual relationship. Now, again, a situation, that sort of thing. Now you're more than welcome to enter any of those into any of those relationships, but do it with awareness if you're going to choose it. If two people are in integrity with one another, you can do whatever kind of relationship you want. But if you genuinely want a significant relationship, and he said a lot of the things I said earlier, but he avoids those conversations, you will most likely have a painful experience when he ends the relationship at some point later on down the road. Trust in commitment. In fact, if you're not familiar with the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend reading chapter one before you are ever out there dating, and certainly maybe even reading these chapter one together about trust and commitment before sleeping with someone. Because remember, most likely you're meeting a stranger. If he cared about your feelings, he would actually be aware of everything I just shared and he'd be mindful not to put you into a position of actually using you, because he is actually in a state of integrity with himself. And yet sadly, many, many women are not in integrity with themselves. I've been guilty of this folks. I was a very unconscious person after my divorce. I was a total train wreck and I recognized and I was seeking, I needed companionship, connection and sex with women. I mean people, but I mean women, because I'm heterosexual. And yet I wasn't really in a good place. And as I said before, hurt people hurt others. And I was rather hurt in that point in my life. And I chose not, or I didn't choose to do the inner work as I've done today. So I can share all this with you and my intent for everybody is to do a fair amount of individual work. This is the reason why I wrote my book. What the heck a self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get all the books I recommend. Hey, did this content resonate with you? If it did, post a comment. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you found value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And by the way, if you want to connect with me and the links in the show notes, you can schedule a discovery call with me. You can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can get the books I recommend. You can join my mailing list. You can find me on Instagram. You can get my dating vows all listed below and in the first comment as well. All right, for those who know my format, it's time for Q and A. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him there, Salty. It's my son who passed away over five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute, just to name a few and then scholarships on coaching. So I want to, before I take questions, I have a personal share with everyone. This is gonna be a little bit vulnerable for me. So bear with me. I shared with everybody in yesterday's video how I had a telephone date. In other words, I had connected with someone on a dating app and we had a telephone call scheduled shortly right after the video and I shared that with everyone. And it turns out, let me just give you some backstory. She recognized me from my YouTube videos. She'd been watching me for a while. She was very complimentary. This was in the text message before we spoke. So she had a bit of awareness. And when we got on the phone, it was like, I mean, I have a personality where I can act like your best friend and I don't even know you and you're a stranger. But since she already knew me, she goes, I bet you're gonna wanna ask me questions because she goes, I know everything about you and I know about your relationship with Marie. Many of you know I was in a significant relationship that ended now, it ended eight, nine months ago. But because Marie was on videos. So she started to share some things about herself and I was noticing some alignment and some misalignment between us. And we had a very pleasant conversation. It was a lot of fun. There was flirting going on. And it went on for a little over an hour and there was maybe intent to meet up. And then the phone call ended, okay? So I just wanna give you some rough context. Now, on a completely separate note, I happened to get a text message from Marie. She needed a telephone of someone that I knew and she messaged me. So, but I'm gonna say I got triggered in that moment. And here's, and I've been exploring this for the last 12 hours, this trigger because I woke up the next, this morning, not interested in meeting this person. And to some degree, it was, the trigger was, I recognized that I'm not yet ready to be vulnerable with someone else. I realized that I could do that surface vulnerability like the conversation we had, but I'm not really ready to be vulnerable with someone else. I'm not ready to be open. And I didn't really have this awareness prior to this. And to some degree, that text message kind of put me in a space of really recognizing that I'm over Marie. I wanna be candid with everyone. To the extent that I have no desire to go backward. If she wanted to come back, I just don't think we're a good fit for each other from a long-term perspective. And I have no charge. Like in other words, getting her message wasn't a charge for me. What I realize and why I'm sharing this with everybody is that I'm not ready to be vulnerable because on some level, I was a little bit dependent in this relationship for love. And so when the relationship ended, and keep in mind we were, we lived together. So we were together 24 seven. I mean, in our relationship, we were together a lot because I worked from home and she was retired. And so what I recognize was I haven't really healed in this. You know, it says self-love. I wrote a book about it. Now it says what the heck is self-love? What the heck is self-love anyway? But what I'm really recognizing is that I think I've been approaching relationship in that you complete me kind of category in that I need someone to love me so I can feel good about myself. And as I really started to explore this, I don't want to say fear of being vulnerable but the capacity to be vulnerable with someone else, I need to shore up my own self-love. I'm just recognizing that. And to some degree, I think many of you can relate because I think on some level, we feel loved when someone else is giving us validation, when someone else is giving us attention, when someone else is commenting that they like what you do for a living. Or you know, that's one of the reasons why social media feels so good because on some level, when someone is validating you or acknowledging you, it fills the void of what you may not be going on in your life right now. And sadly, for those of us that are in the 55 plus category is we have a significant percentage of singles who are by themselves. They're not, I mean, they may spend time with people but they live by themselves and living by oneself, we can go hours, days, you know, minute, days out, minute, hours, days, weeks without real connection with feeling love from another human being. And so it's easy. I even to some extent folks, I wanna be candid with you, even my YouTube channel is a source of love. So many of you are so beautiful giving me accolades for how I've made a difference in your life. And that can be rather addictive to some degree because I'm recognizing that I'm not ready to be vulnerable because there's still more work I have to do within myself. And again, Marie isn't, I'm not charged with that. That piece of the puzzle was because I really gave my heart to this relationship. And when it ended, I realized I have to read and I didn't give my, okay, let me be clear. I didn't give my power away in that relationship. But when I say I gave my heart to some degree, I gave a part of my heart and it's time to really reintegrate into my own heart. And I'm sharing all this with you because I think many of you can relate. And so self love is the peeling, there's like peeling layers. That's what personal development, self-help and spiritual work is. I haven't recommended this book in a while and I'm gonna go back and read it myself this week. If you haven't read The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, there's a link below to get a copy of this book. I highly recommend this. Read only one chapter at a time. This is really deep. This is really deep. So I highly recommend that. Folks, thank you for allowing me to share. How did you feel about that share? I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I just shared. I hope you can appreciate that many of you could probably resonate with what I said to some degree and just because I'm a male doesn't mean I'm not immune to the emotional effects that a relationship ending. But most importantly, the work it takes to genuinely love yourself, to be in that genuine state of really the capacity to be vulnerable with another human being. That takes a lot of work. So anyway, thank you for allowing me to share and Zen Gal says, excuse me, isn't the work a self love lifetime process rather than in a relationship or not? Yes, it's an individual process that happens in relationship, out of relationship, but to be vulnerable with another human being, the ground underneath you needs to be solid. And what I'm partially saying is I still need to build up that ground underneath me. Rebel goes on to say, I love the spiritual to have help heal my heart. I agree. Ty says, I definitely can relate to that, Jonathan. Thank you. Let's keep going here. Trista says, definitely keeps us in reality. Hey, if you have a question, all right, now it's time for questions. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after or please purchase a super stick or super chat. I wanna get some money tonight for the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. And Mel Stiller says, thank you for sharing, Jonathan. I really appreciate your honesty. Listen, folks, this is the way I view my channel. I'm learning stuff about myself all the time and I'm sharing it with you as it go along, okay? I was with my coach today. We really peeled some onion, repealed the onion of what's coming up for me. And I'm just sharing with you with the encouragement is that you do the work yourself. So I'm really encouraging that for everyone. And Zengal says, it's a lifetime process. Eben flows exactly. Sharon says, well done, Jonathan. I think watching you, we can see that. Well, thank you, I appreciate that. Margaret's in the house and just gave us a $15 super sticker. That means we need $35 more. Really appreciate it. Oh, I guess there's some questions I can scroll up and just go see, bear with me. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, mara. I taught my daughters years ago, never marry a man you wouldn't be willing to push around in a wheelchair. She married a great man. Do you think that's great advice? You know, first off for a young person. Yeah, but now for those of us in midlife, I'll be candid with you, Mara. I hear this from women all the time. I don't wanna be his nurse and I don't wanna be his purse. I really wonder if our generation, the 55 and over club, really has the wherewithal to wanna take care of someone that they barely know. Think about it, you could meet, you could be 60, meet a man 62 and next thing you know, he's in a wheelchair and you've only been dating them for a few weeks. Probably, you know, and you've been, you say I love you to each, more than a few weeks, but you've been dating for a year and you say I love you to each other, is that person gonna stick around? That's a really tough question for a lot of people, but yes, I do agree with that. Absolutely, Billy Holt is in the house. Excuse my slurping. Jonathan, are women aware according to the market, women have higher earning power? Come on, ladies, get to bustin'. Are you aware, Jonathan, are women aware according to market, women have higher earning power? I don't know how that relates, but that could be the case, I just don't know. So I don't know the answer to that. Julie's in the house. Jonathan, what do you mean, beginning of this video by jealousy, the guy has a, okay, so let me go back to my notes on that one, because I wrote down, I think jealous guys have a capacity to come up with a lot of bullshit excuses because they have a jealous streak in them. They make it oftentimes your fault when they come up with excuses. That's what I meant by that. There are just some people, some men are overtly territorial and they're insecure, but they always make excuses because they're actually deeply insecure within themselves, those jealous people, and that's what I meant by that. And I'm just giving cursory. I don't know the entire psychology. I'm not a human behavioralist to that extent. Sunny pie question. I have this male friend who will act like we're closer than we are in front of friends. He says complimentary things about me and is warmer than in private. Is he using me to look normal? Well, he's a male friend, so it's not a romantic relationship. He probably has some sort of... So, okay, this is just a rough thought. I don't know if I can... This is just a rough thought. When a man is around a woman who he thinks is high value, he might wanna praise them. Well, in other words, it's a reflection of keeping up the Joneses kind of thing. In other words, that if he's associated with someone of high value of pretty looks, that sort of thing, he might act like territorial in that sense, but then when you're behind closed doors since you're not in a romantic relationship. But he might be not using you to look normal, but to normalize himself. I don't know if it's actual use because you're gonna have to really have... If he's a friend, you should have conversations with him. If he's a friend, have a conversation about it, okay? Hey, who wants to join the hot seat tonight? I would love to get someone to come on and we can talk about anything you want. Sherry Fleming says, great content. Thank you so much. Oh, I guess I posted that before. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Sherry says, humans are complex. Indeed, we are fucking so complex. It's bullshit when you hear men are simple. They're not, men are just as complicated, just in a different way. Billy Holt, Jonathan, would you agree if a woman has money, he suddenly wants to have a relationship, maybe even get married? Well, supposedly that was what happened with Jerry or Gary or whatever the fuck his name was on the Golden Bachelor. There's some speculation on that. Yeah, I think men can be gold diggers just like women can be. I think that's absolutely possible. I think for a lot of men, financial stability can be a gigantic fear of theirs. So I genuinely know some men who go out to seek women with means and because they, for the same reason a woman goes out to seek a man with means, it's kind of easier to choose some, sometimes it's easier to go find someone with money than to go make it yourself. So yeah, I think that's absolutely possible. Mel Stiller says, you are describing my ex-husband to a T. I think you're talking about those 13 ways to be used. Let's keep going. Mel Stiller says, high value means a whole lot more than money and power. I fully agree. High value to me is integrity. That's what a high value person represents is a person of integrity. Tagazuta Moon. I made my boyfriend move out and quit giving him, and quit giving him car. He was neglectful, made me feel not good enough, not attractive, he broke up with me, was just using me for a car and was he just using me for a car and apartment? You know, if that happened, I'm sorry, if that's the case, possibly. You know, sometimes we enter into relationship not knowing what the heck we really want. I think that's a significant percentage of men. In other words, we want companionship, connection and sex, but not much more than that. I'm sorry you've experienced that, but it sounds like it's over anyway. So what's most important is what you're going to do for yourself. Tatsu Hakumu. Sorry I butchered your name. All right, let's keep going. Hey, what did you think about my personal share? Oh, here we go. Monica says, thanks for sharing your feelings. I can relate and learn from your videos. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Sometimes I'm dory. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I can't pronounce your name. Lead da. A guy will choose money over live, not all, but most. Some will. High value, integrity, good morals, honesty, the best human. I think actually people that operate from the four agreements, you're not familiar with the book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I think that's kind of a, that's to me indicative of being high value is operating with your impeccable with your word. You always do your best. You don't take things personally and you don't, in others' opinions of you is not a reflection of who you are. That to me is kind of the highest form of, that's a form of high value in my book. How can a man say no to money? Yeah, a lot of men might not. Mel Stiller, I'm not familiar with the book. If you're talking about the Four Agreements, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend. Okay, oh, lovely, just gave us a $5 super sticker. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. That means we have $30 more to go for today. We really appreciate the love. Thank you so much. Hey, we need some questions, folks. You know, I think it's really hard to be looking for love at midlife. I'll be candid with you. I think, you know, hard's a relative word, but I think it's, we have a significant percentage of the population of singles out there that are thirsty to be connected with another human being and yet find it rather challenging. I point out a lot of the things to look out for, but at the same time, coming back to what I shared personally about self love, I believe genuine happiness comes from when we work on ourselves. I think through love and learning, through our own devices, can we really find that genuine space of love? Because, you know, you complete me is not, yes, some people are happier in relationship, but we can't count on that. So cultivating inner peace is a job that we can manage within ourselves, and that's just my two cents on that. All right, Ouija is in the house. Jonathan, it's been a while since I got married. I'm on this, I'm in the journey of being married woman. Is it common and healthy to feel having more responsibility being a wife than being a girlfriend? Yeah, you're kind of, think about it. When you're in a, when you're in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, you can end at any moment, okay? When you're married, you made a commitment in front of other people. You have a, you have an, the government holds title to your relationship. You know, you realize this folks, the government holds title to your relationship. Like if you have a mortgage, you know, the bank holds title to that property, well, the government holds title. So yeah, there's more responsibility, mostly financially. And also to some degree, you're responsible to some degree for the indiscretions of your partner, your husband or wife. So, or you're possibly on the hook for it. So yeah, there's a lot more responsibility. That's a good point. Hopefully there's good that comes out of it. Rachel says, what do you think of sugar baby relationship? I think there's a significant percentage of men that are older that have means and they'll choose younger women. Both as arm candy as, and you know, there are plenty of sugar babies out there. This isn't like, this isn't that uncommon. I mean, it's been happening for hundreds, you know, thousands and thousands of years. You know, you know, Henry VIII, you know, he had always a young, he'd always trade in his wife for a younger model except for, which was his second to last wife or his last wife, I think was actually older than him. I can't remember her name. Okay. Ms. Moon says, my ex-boyfriend seemed depressed before we broke up. I also got depressed. Should I give him another chance if the breakup was mental health related? He blames me for his depression. You know, I think you're looking for a reason to go back. Should, you know, you can look at, you don't need, first off, I can't give you advice on going back with somebody. Kind of what you said in the previous comment, doesn't sound like he was an integrity from a financial perspective for you. But if he's in depression, you know, I think he needs to work on his own shit before being in, before you have to have him work on his own shit, but you work on your shit too because accepting someone who is giving you less than is not healthy either. Maureen says, thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Jonathan, I appreciate that. Jonathan, get your point in our age now. Oh, what? Get your, get your point in our age. Oh, well, another note. I think that you can't spend your energy on another relationship. Marie took your toll on you and now you're serious. I don't, I don't want to say it took my toll on me, but I certainly, I invested a lot. It's, and so I was saddened that it ended, but at the same time, beautiful lessons. I mean, there was a lot of good that came out of it too. So I hold a lot of love and gratitude in that relationship. That's why I'm just recognizing that to be vulnerable with someone else again, it's going to take a really special person for me to get there. I'm certainly aware of that. Okay, let's keep going. Zen Gal wants to remind Ms. Moon, you don't blame someone else for depression exactly. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, you know folks, I think I'm going to cut short tonight. I want to go have a bite to eat. I'm just, I guess I realized that my energy is kind of down. I was really up for this video. I was so excited to talk about the 13 painful ways men use women. And I was really excited, but I need, by the way, okay, so folks, I need some help. I want to stay on a little bit longer. Someone joined the hot seat. I need some energy from you guys, okay? I need some energy from you guys because otherwise I'm going to start to fade and I don't want to fade. I want to keep going for at least another 11 minutes. So give me something I can work on. I think I got kind of down because I shared something very vulnerable with you guys. I think it kind of took an emotional toll on me to actually own. It's hard for me to own that I'm not loving on myself. You know, in a variety of different ways, it's scary being by yourself. I'm going to be, okay. Folks, it's scary being by yourself. And look it, I can watch every rah-rah video out there and syspoombah and all like this and do all those crazy things that a lot of other motivational speakers talk about. But at the end of the day, when you're by yourself on a regular basis, it's fucking hard, you know? And so, you know, I went from being with someone 24 seven to being by myself and I'm still adjusting to that, you know? And before I get vulnerable, like and believe it or not, first dates require, believe it or not require some vulnerability. That's why I didn't feel like I could be, I could go any beyond the surface with that person I had a telephone call because when I go in, I jump in. Like when I go, like when I like someone, I jump in 100% not from a irresponsible place, but I give 110% and it's scary to give 110% and then have the relationship end, you know? So I really want to, I'm going to do my due diligence with someone. Someone's got to earn. I don't want to say earn it because that's not fair either. I'm aware that there is a lot of emotionally dysfunctional human beings out there. And so to some degree, the reason why I teach vetting is to, to recognize that we have to vet for emotional maturity. Not everyone is emotionally mature. And so if you're going to be vulnerable with someone, you need to know that they can hold the space for your vulnerability. And men are rather fucking inept, okay? I happen to be a unique guy in this capacity, but most guys are fucking inept when it comes to understanding and regulating their emotions because we men have been taught to be stoic. So anyway, I told you, I need some, come on, I need some good feedback. Okay, by the way, I want to be clear. Marty says it seems like you're taking your time is a good idea. If you should find your person now, you won't be ready. You know, I'm going to say this to that. I haven't gone on a date since the relationship ended. You know, I've been, I'm on the, I've kind of cursory or on the apps, but no one's really excited me. No one's really, I've had not one person that I go, wow, they put together a fucking awesome profile. I'm going to sorry to say this ladies and you see the same thing on the men's side. Most dating profiles are so poorly done that I rarely get excited about someone's effort. If they, if you can't put stellar effort into your profile, then I ask myself, how much effort can this person put into a relationship? And I don't allow negativity because to me it's absolute ambivalence. And if you're ambivalent with the amount of effort you're going to put into this, then garbage in, garbage out. And so I'm looking for that person that's willing to put stellar effort. That's just my two cents. Okay, we've got someone in the house, Corey. Hi, Jonathan. Hi, thank you, I need the energy. Well, you're welcome. I don't know why I can contribute, but you know, you've been so generous with us. Duh? Geez, I just want to tell everyone and you that love is possible. And I've been wondering, like, why is it so important for everyone that we are all looking for true love? So I think genuine self-love is what are, I think it's the next evolution of human development, okay? I think we're on the precipice of the, because we're no longer necessarily our, we're no longer in pure survival mode, at least here in the United States. I mean, if you're in the Ukraine right now, it's probably incredibly scary to live in an environment or in, you know, in some areas in the Middle East and whatnot where it's scary because your actual physical survival is on the precipice of not happening. We have the luxury here in the United States and in many of the European countries where we get, you know, our base survival needs are relatively taken care of and we're in a kind of an element of peace. So what we, and so let me take that. Okay, so that's kind of step one. Step two is we no longer live in tribes, okay? So when we used to physically live in tribes, Corey, we had a lot of our needs met, but you know, in other words, you were constantly with people, you know, you had elders around, you had younger people around, you had people that go out and hunt for the food, you had people that prepare the food when we lived in tribes. Like right now I would be a senior citizen, I would be like an elder ready to die going back in time hundreds of years ago. Like at age 55, you were about ready to die, okay? That was considered an elder. Now we, okay, so we used to live in tribes and then tribes turned into families. And now family units are no longer 10, 12 kids to the family and you lived in them, you know, together. Now it's families of one or two people and then children now scatter. So individuals are rather by themselves. And so being in romantic relationship is that closest thing to a family. It's the closest thing to your tribe. So that desire to want, it's not so much true love, it's the desire to be loved by another human being. And so the challenge is today, as I started to share in my personal share is we have to be a tribe of one, meaning learning to, because we, you know, it's no guarantee that you're gonna find a mate. It's not a guarantee. I mean, most people, I think 90% of the population gets married once, okay? So at least once, but to go the distance, it's very rare to go the distance these days, okay? And so the desire to connect with another is because on some level, we're not whole within ourselves. I'm guilty of this. My personal share was really a reflection of I'm still very much have, I'm still suckling on the nipple of I need someone to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm still learning to let go and really revisit love from my own cup. And I'm being genuinely transparent about that because I understand what so many people go through. So your question is a valid question, but I think those are some of the nuances as to why people seek love outside of themselves because we no longer live in environments where we get so many of our needs met. We are dependent, so hard to fill all of our own needs by ourselves. That is such a, wow, that wasn't the answer that I expected, but yes, it's so true. And that, you know, what you said about how we are we are trying to look for love as if we're not complete. I think that just has been humans. Yeah, no, it's very human. It's very human. That's just part of us. That's what we are, we've been looking for. And I think when we finally actualized to a level, we're looking for that final reward to our humanity. I think, yeah, I think we're on the precipice of self love which means self words, self esteem, self confidence, self reliance, all those self improvements, all those self words is where we're at in our human evolution. So when we feel more whole than we are a tribe of one we can then be support system to so many people because we've curated that love within us and we don't need someone else to give that. And sadly my channel is because women have a propensity to give their power away to men because we've been indoctrinated in that for millions of years. And I wanna, and I'm here to say, look, it's great to be in partnership with another but it sucks being partnership with the wrong person. And that's my two cents. Corey, thank you so much for jumping on. Can I give you a big gigantic Johnson bear hug? Thank you. Thank you Jonathan. Thank you for being so generous in all this time. Goodbye. Thank you for allowing me to share. I appreciate it. Corey was so sweet. So that's just my perception. It goes deeper than what I just shared. I gave you kind of a cursory look at that but I think that's one of the primary reasons why we seek love outside of ourselves because in many ways it's kind of conditioning to one degree but it's because we no longer can, it's rare that we can get all of our needs met in that kind of tribal environment and that's just my perception on that. So Corey, thank you so much for that. Tara says, where's the Jonathan Asley flag? I wanna wave it. Thank you for spelling my name correctly. I can't tell you how often my first name correctly can't tell you how often that doesn't happen. Zengal says, we as humans like and need community. I'm so grateful to have found one. I have many good friends in my life but they're not in my life on a daily basis. So sometimes I feel rather alone. So that's why I was sharing. Thank you for allowing me to share. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate all the love. By the way, did you find value in this video? If you did, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Listen, I'd love some donations before we wrap up to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. Hit that little dollar sign and donate some money before we wrap up today. And we're gonna listen, if you found value in this video please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And again, links below to schedule a discovery call to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to get my join, follow me on Instagram and get the books I recommended. All that good stuff is listed below. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic shot at the mark of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. A pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Margaret and Ty and Mel Stiller and Gigi and Tara and Margaret for the donation and Julie and Kristen Noel and Billy Holt and Miss Moon and Marty and Gigi and Shannon and Sherry and Angel. Let's see if anyone else I haven't named yet. Julie Engel, Sunshine Lobardo's in the house. Big hugs to you all. Thank you so much. Oh, Sharon, thank you for that last $10 super sticker. I really appreciate the love. Thank you so much. All right, everyone. Wishing you a super-duper wonderful, fantastic day.