 On Sunday I'm turning 24 and in this video I'm going to share with you how I wasted my early 20s. I started making these yearly birthday videos when I first entered my 20s. You can see all of them highlighting my struggles, fears, insecurities, and excitement for the coming year. As I look back on not just the last year but the last four years, three primary internal struggles come to mind. Now to tell this story properly I need to give you some insight in where I was when I was 20, when I was entering my 20s. I was living with my parents, I had dropped out of university, I barely had a job, I didn't have a car, I was trying to pursue this YouTube Christian YouTuber thing but I was kind of feeling like I was failing in a lot of ways and I think a lot of what characterized that season of my life was just this lack of confidence and honestly, sometimes a sense of self-hate. Now being what the world would consider a successful YouTuber, you have lots of subscribers, lots of viewers, maybe you have a good income, you have a good career. People see that as like a great thing and that's really to be admired and that's awesome but at that point, I was the opposite of that. In the world's eyes, I didn't have a lot of subscribers at all. I was basically zero money from it so I didn't really have any kind of career focus in that at all. In the world's eyes, I was a failure, no doubt about it but for myself, I took in a lot of that perspective. I thought, okay, if this is how the world sees me, then this is how I should see myself and I sat in that and I believed, okay man, I am a failure, I'm not accomplishing my dream, I'm not doing what I set out to do. At that point, I was really trying to focus on the mission, not the metrics, the fact that I was called to this mission of preaching the gospel online, of helping people follow Jesus daily and not just focus on how many people were watching me or how many subscribers I had but it was hard and I lost that battle a lot. I would get consumed with how the world saw me as some unsuccessful YouTuber that nobody watched. In a lot of ways, I connected my confidence to what I had and in this instance, I didn't have a lot or at least a lot of what I thought I wanted or needed to be successful or to be accepting of myself. I didn't have the subscribers, I didn't have the friend group, I didn't have the apartment or the car, I didn't have these things and I was connecting my confidence to them and so I really didn't have a lot of confidence but in a weird way, this is kind of a prideful mentality because you think about it, if I were to be given all those things at that moment, if God were like, okay, you get it all, who would have my appreciation and confidence be in? It would have been in myself. It really would have. It would have been like, hey, look at all of what I've acquired, I did it, I made it, as opposed to the fact that I should be finding my confidence, my strength in God and who he says he is and what he has, who he says I am and what he has equipped me with. When you're secure in God and what he says of you, your confidence is grounded in that and not in how much you have, what you've accomplished, what you've done, the influence that you have, none of that and so then you can just go about fulfilling the mission that God has for you and I was trying to step into that but it was a struggle. One of the things I really needed to hear at that stage is that the building phase is slow and it's meant to be that way. God is using and working that season of your life to develop you into the person that he wants you to be so that when the other things do come about, when you do get farther along the line, you're ready to take on those responsibilities and you're ready to truly steward what he gives you. Another one of the struggles that I encountered was really wanting to be in a relationship and honestly really wanting to be married in a lot of ways but not having that happen. I saw many of my friends get married and get in relationships and yet that wasn't happening for me so I was trying to convince myself that I was normal. I really felt like I was missing out in a lot of ways and since this isn't happening for me, I'm either doing something wrong or there's something very wrong with me. There were a lot of questions that I had and I ended up spending a lot more internal energy thought on this than I wish I had. I wish honestly that I just let it go and gave it to God but I felt like man, I got to do something, I got to be something, I got to achieve something or I got to go somewhere to make this happen for me because it's such a deep longing in my heart and even now I don't necessarily have the answers for this. I don't know what God's doing beneath the surface but I do know that we need to be finding our joy and pleasure in Him and not in these kind of dreams that we have that we think will fulfill us and that was what a relationship represented for me. It was like if I get in a relationship that my life will be great. That will solve all the problems that I have and I was fighting with that. Even saying that to you now, I know at the time that that was wrong. Like I know that that belief was inaccurate and yet you can say a lot of things that are true and you can dispel these lies verbally but internally it's a lot more challenging to beat them. There was definitely jealousy there. Why isn't this happening to me? What am I doing wrong God? I thought I was doing what you called me to do and yet you're kind of stiff arming me from getting to what I thought I wanted which is a relationship but that was a huge part of what my motivation was leading towards. I want to provide for my family. I want to provide for my wife and yet God you're not giving that to me and that was really hard and it is hard but even now I'm recognizing that God throughout those years gave me the opportunity to focus wholeheartedly on ministry, focus wholeheartedly on what He wanted me to do with daily disciple and I wouldn't have been able to do all that if I was focusing on a relationship at that point. So that was a blessing but equally I'm kind of just frustrated at myself a little bit that I spent so much internal energy and thought on wishing I was in a relationship. The third struggle that comes to mind is worry. I worried so much in those years, so so much especially in those early days where I just wasn't sure what was going to come of daily disciple. Like was I going to be able to make this work and just other things in my life. I'm like everything seems to be on the foundation of making this online ministry work and if this doesn't work then where does my life go at this point? I have no backup plan and it was just so stressful and at that time I really was putting a lot of my faith in myself because much as I wouldn't want to admit it I was putting a lot of faith in myself and that was what was causing the anxiety because I felt like I needed to figure out something to make this work and what I learned what I'm learning now as things have kind of progressed even further is that man it was God it was God all along and if I were to just maybe let go sometimes not doesn't mean I don't put the same work and excellence and effort into what I was doing but just say God I'm gonna give this to you as an offering I'm gonna give this to you as just bringing glory to you that my work may bring glory to you and you're gonna bring out of it what you want to bring out of it according to the title of this video I wasted my early 20s and I guess some people could see it that way and maybe even though I might feel that certain aspects of my early 20s were wasted God didn't waste any of it maybe for you you feel like you wasted the last year of your life or maybe the last four years of your life I just want to tell you that God didn't waste it that even now he wants you to recognize things about that season of life that are going to teach you things he wants you to share that testimony of how God taught you and brought you out of that situation or guided you to the truth like he wants you to share that so you can be a light to others so you can help others and he wants to use maybe you recognizing that you made a mistake or maybe you put your energy or effort or affection in something other than him and that's painful for you because you realize man I missed out on some time and some opportunity there to grow closer with God well God wants to use that in your life that realization to draw you closer to him even now so much changes here in a lot of ways I had to refocus myself a lot of things that I thought in the back of my mind might bring me more peace or hope or fulfillment like if I had a car if I moved out in my own or you know if I got more subscribers or whatever else like these lies in your back of your head that just make you entice you in and make you think that okay you know as long as I get these things if I get these things I'll be happier or more be more joyful I had to come face to face with the reality that that's not true and maybe it satisfies you for a season but then it just leaves you empty and ultimately it was me having to focus back and God refocusing me on him and finding pleasure in him and joy in him and even when I experience loneliness and when I still experience anxiety or maybe lack of confidence or self-pity because I'm like oh man you know things aren't going right for me I can focus back on God who he says I am what he's done for me and just my deep joy and excitement and pleasure and who he is like that is what he's been teaching me I'm excited for this next year in my life a lot of change last year and maybe less change this year but some big plans in the works but I'm reminded of this verse in Proverbs 16 9 it says the heart of the man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps like ultimately I'm going to submit my dreams my plans what I want to happen at his feet and and see what he wants to do with it right like if he wants to bring it to fruition then that's what's going to happen and if he doesn't then he'll lead me in another direction ultimately that's the kind of posture that I'm trying to have now I held on to control for so long in my life like I I held on so tightly trying to make every little thing every conversation every everything just go perfectly and I'm tired of it I'm exhausted to be honest and I'm really enjoying just letting it go giving it to God and just being present and showing up where he's called me to thanks for watching guys and I'll see you next time God bless