 Section 8 of short stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This Libervox recording is in the public domain. Another man's wife, or the husband under the bed, an extraordinary adventure, Part II. Ivan Andreiich felt that he had come to the wrong place. That he had made a silly, childish blunder. That he had acted without due consideration. That he had not been sufficiently cautious on the landing. But there was no help for it. The door was already opening, already the heavy husband. That is, if he could be judged by his footsteps was coming into the room. I don't know what Ivan Andreiich took himself to be at that moment. I don't know what prevented him from confronting the husband, telling him that he had made a mistake confessing, that he had unintentionally behaved in the most unseemly way, making his apologies and vanishing. Not of course with flying colors, not of course with glory, but at any rate departing in an open and gentlemanly manner. But no, Ivan Andreiich again behaved like a boy, as though he considered himself a Don Juan or a Loveless. He first hid himself behind the curtain of the bed, and finally feeling utterly dejected and hopeless. He dropped on the floor and senselessly crept under the bed. Terror had more influence on him than reason, and Ivan Andreiich himself an injured husband, or at any rate a husband who considered himself such. Could not face meeting another husband, but was afraid to wounds him by his presence. Be this as it may, he found himself under the bed, though he had no idea how it had come to pass. But what was most surprising, the lady made no opposition. She did not cry out on seeing an utterly unknown elderly gentleman seek a refuge under her bed. Probably she was so alarmed that she was deprived of all power of speech. The husband walked in gasping and clearing his throat, said good evening to his wife in a sing-song elderly voice, and flopped into an easy chair as though he had just been carrying up a load of wood. There was a sound of a hollow and prolonged cough. Ivan Andreiich transformed from a ferocious tiger to a lamb, timid and meek as a mouse before a cat, scarcely dared to breathe for terror, though we might have known from his own experience that not all injured husbands bite. But this idea did not enter his head, either from lack of consideration or from agitation of some sort. Cautiously, softly, feeling his way he began to get right under the bed so as to lie more comfortably there. What was his amazement? When with his hand he felt an object which to his intense amazement stirred and in its turn seized his hand. Under the bed, there was another person. Who is this? whispered Ivan Andreiich. Well, I am not likely to tell you who I am. Whispered the strange man, lie still and keep quiet if you have made a mess of things. But I say, hold your tongue. And the extra gentleman, for one was quite enough under the bed. The extra gentleman squeezed Ivan Andreiich's hand in his fist so that the latter almost shrieked with pain. My dear sir, then don't pinch me so, or I shall scream. All right, scream away, try on. Ivan Andreiich flushed with shame. The unknown gentleman was sulky and ill-humored. Perhaps it was a man who had suffered more than once from the persecutions of fate and had more than once been in a tight place. But Ivan Andreiich was a novice and could not breathe in his constricted position. The blood rushed to his head. However, there was no help for it. He had to lie on his face. Ivan Andreiich submitted and was silent. I have been to see Pavel Ivanich my love, began the husband. We sat down to a game of preference. He had a fit of coughing. Yes, so my back, bother it. And the old gentleman became engrossed in his cough. My back, he brought out at last with tears in his eyes. My spine began to ache, a damned hemorrhoid. I can't stand nor sit or sit. And it seemed as though the cough that followed was destined to last longer than the old gentleman in possession of it. The old gentleman grumbled something in its intervals, but it was utterly impossible to make out a word. Dear sir, for goodness' sake, move a little! whispered the unhappy Ivan Andreiich. How can I? There's no room. But you must admit that it is impossible for me. It is the first time that I have found myself in such a nasty position. And I in such unpleasant society. But young man. Hold your tongue. Hold my tongue. You are very uncivil young man. If I am not mistaken, you are very young. I am your senior. Hold your tongue. My dear sir, you are forgetting yourself. You don't know to whom you are talking. To a gentleman lying under the bed. But I was taken by surprise, a mistake while in your case, if I am not mistaken, immorality. That's where you're mistaken. My dear sir, I am older than you, I tell you. Sir, we are in the same boat you know. I beg you not to take hold of my face. Sir, I can't tell one thing from another. Excuse me, but I have no room. You shouldn't be so fat. Heavens, I have never been in such a degrading position. Yes, one couldn't be brought more low. Sir, sir, I don't know who you are. I don't understand how this came about, but I am here by mistake. I am not what you think. I shouldn't think about you at all if you didn't shove, but hold your tongue. Do. Sir, if you don't move a little, I shall have a stroke. You will have to answer for my death, I assure you. I am a respectable man. I am the father of a family. I really cannot be in such a position. You thrust yourself into the position. Come, move a little. I made room for you. I can't do more. Noble young man, dear sir, I see I was mistaken about you, said Ivan Andreech, in a transport of gratitude for the space allowed him, and stretched out his cramped limbs. I understand your constricted condition, but there's no help for it. I see you think ill of me. Allow me to redeem my reputation, your eyes. Allow me to tell you who I am. I have come here against my will. I assure you, I am not here with the object you imagine. I am in a terrible fright. Oh, do shut up. Understand that if we are overheard, it will be the worst for us. Sh, he is talking. The old gentleman's cough did, in fact, seem to be over. I tell you what, my love, he wheezed in the most lacrimose chant. I tell you what, my love, he he he. Oh, what an affliction. Fedosi Ivanovich said to me, you should try drinking Yaro tea. He said to me, do you hear my love? Yes, dear. Yes, that was what he said. You should try drinking Yaro tea, he said. I told him I had put on leeches. But he said, no, Alexander Demyanovich. Yaro tea is better. It's a laxative, I tell you. Oh, dear. What do you think, my love? Oh, my God. Had I better try Yaro tea? He he he. Oh, he he he he. And so on. I think it would be just as well to try that remedy. Said his wife. Yes, it would be. You may be in consumption, he said. And I told him it was gout and your ability of the stomach. He he he. Buddy would have it that it might be consumption. What do you think? What do you think, my love? Is it consumption? My goodness. What are you talking about? Why, consumption, you had better undress and go to bed now, my love. I've got a cold in my head today. Alf, said Ivan Andreech. For God's sake, do move a little. I really don't know what is the matter with you. Can't you lie still? You are exasperated against me, young man. You want to wound me, I see that. You are, I suppose, this lady's lover. Shut up. I will not shut up. I won't allow you to order me about. You are no doubt her lover. If we are discovered, I am not to blame in any way. I know nothing about it. If you do not hold your tongue, said the young man, grinding his teeth, I will say that you brought me here. I'll say that you are my uncle who has dissipated his fortune. Then they won't imagine I am this lady's lover anyway. Sir, you amuse yourself at my expense. You're exhausting my patience. Hush, or I will make you hush. You are a curse to me. Come, tell me what you are here for. If you were not here, I could lie here somehow till morning and then get away. But I can't lie here till morning. I'm a respectable man. I have family ties, of course. What do you think? Surely he is not going to spend the night here. Who? Why, this old gentleman? Of course he will. All husbands aren't like you. Some of them spend their nights at home. My dear sir, my dear sir. Cried Ivan Andreevich, turning cold with terror. I assure you, I spend my nights at home too. And this is the first time, but my God, I see you know me. Who are you, young man? Tell me at once. I beseech you from this interested friendship. Who are you? Listen, I shall resort to violence. But allow me, sir. Allow me, sir, to tell you. Allow me to explain all this horrid business. I won't listen to any explanation. I don't want to know anything about it. Be silent. Or, but I cannot. A slight skirmish took place under the bed, and Ivan Andreevich subsided. My love, it sounds as though there were cats hissing. Cats, what will you imagine next? Evidently, the lady did not know what to talk to her husband about. She was so upset that she could not pull herself together. Now she started and pricked up her ears. What cats? Cats, my love. The other day I went into my study and there was a cat. The other day I went into my study and there was the tomcat in my study. And hissing, shoo, shoo, shoo, I said to him, what is it, pussy? And he went, shoo, shoo, shoo, again, as though he were whispering, I thought. Merciful heavens, isn't he hissing as a sign of my death? What nonsense are you talking today? You ought to be ashamed, really. Never mind. Don't be cross, my love. I see you don't like to think of me dying. I didn't mean it. But you had better undress and go to bed, my love, and I'll sit here while you go to bed. For goodness' sake, leave off, afterwards. Well, don't be cross, don't be cross. But really, I think there must be mice here. Why, first cats and then mice? I really don't know what is the matter with you. Oh, I am all right. I, never mind. Oh, Lord have mercy on me. You hear you are making such an upset that he hears you. Whispers the young man. But if you knew what is happening to me, my nose is bleeding. Let it bleed. Shut up. Wait till he goes away. But young man, put yourself in my place. Why, I don't know with whom I am lying. Would you be any better off if you did? Why, I don't want to know your name. By the way, what is your name? No, what do you want with my name? I only want to explain the senseless way in which... Hush, he is speaking again. Really, my love? There is whispering. Oh no, it's the cotton wool in your ears has got out of place. Oh, by the way, talking of the cotton wool, do you know that upstairs, upstairs, and so on, upstairs, whispered the young man. Oh, the devil, I thought that this was the top story. Can it be the second? Young man, whispered Ivan Andreech. What did you say? For goodness' sake, why does it concern you? I thought it was the top story, too. Tell me for God's sake, is there another story? Really, someone is stirring, said the old man, leaving off coughing at last. Hush, do you hear? Whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreech's hands. Sir, you are holding my hands by force. Let me go. A slight struggle followed, and then there was silence again. So I met a pretty woman, began the old man. A pretty woman? interrupted his wife. Yes, I thought I told you before that I met a pretty woman on the stairs, or perhaps I did not mention it. My memory is weak. Yes, St. John's Wart. What? I must drink St. John's Wart. They say it does good. It does good. It was you interrupted him. Said the young man, grinding his teeth again. You said you met some pretty woman today? His wife went on. Met a pretty woman? Who did? Why, didn't you? I, when? Oh, yes. At last. What a mummy. Well. Whispered the young man, inwardly raging at the forgetful old gentleman. My dear sir, I am trembling with horror. My God, what do I hear? It's like yesterday. Exactly like yesterday. Hush. Yes, to be sure. I remember a sly puss, such eyes. In a blue hat. In a blue hat. I, I, it's she. She has a blue hat. My God, cried Ivan Andreech. She, who is she? Whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreech's hands. Hush. Ivan Andreech's exhorted in his turn. He is speaking. Ah, my God, my God. Though, after all, who hasn't a blue hat? And such a sly little rogue. The old gentleman went on. She comes here to see friends. She is always making eyes. And other friends come to see those friends too. Foo. Foo. How tedious. The lady interrupted. Really? How can you take interest in that? Oh, very well. Very well. Don't be cross. The old gentleman responded in a weedling chant. I won't talk if you don't care to hear me. You see my little out of humor this evening. But, how did you get here? The young man began. Ah, you see, you see, now you are interested, and before you wouldn't listen. Oh, well, I don't care. Please don't tell me. Damn nation, take it. What a mess. Don't be cross, young man. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't mean anything. I only meant to say that there must be some good reason for your taking such an interest. But who are you, young man? I see you are a stranger. But who are you? Oh, dear. I don't know what I'm saying. Ugg, leave off, please. The young man interrupted as though he were considering something. But I will tell you all about it. You think, perhaps, that I will not tell you, that I feel resentment against you. Oh, no. Here is my hand. I'm only feeling depressed. Nothing more. But for God's sake, first tell me how you came here yourself. Through what chance? As for me, I feel no ill will. No indeed. I feel no ill will. Here is my hand. I have made it rather dirty. It is so dusty here. But that's nothing, when the feeling is true. Ugg, get away with your hand. There is no room to turn, and he keeps thrusting his hand on me. But, my dear sir, but you treat me, if you allow me to say so, as though I were an old shoe. Said Ivan Andreech in a rush of the meekest despair, in a voice full of entreaty. Treat me a little more civilly, just a little more civilly, and I will tell you all about it. We might be friends. I am quite ready to ask you home to dinner. We can't lie side by side like this. I tell you plainly, you are an error, young man. You do not know. When was it he met her? The young man muttered, evidently in violent emotion. Perhaps she is expecting me now. I'll certainly get away from here. She? Who is she? My God, of whom are you speaking, young man? You imagine that upstairs? My God, my God, why am I punished like this? Ivan Andreech tried to turn on his back in despair. Why do you want to know who she is? Oh, the devil, whether it was she or not. I will get out. My dear sir, what are you thinking about? What will become of me? Whispered Ivan Andreech, clutching at the tails of his neighbor's dress coat in his despair. Well, what's that to me? You can stop here by yourself, and if you won't, I'll tell them that you are my uncle who has squandered all his property, so that the old gentleman won't think that I am his wife's lover. But that is utterly impossible, young man. It's unnatural. I should be your uncle. Nobody would believe you. Why, a baby wouldn't believe it. Ivan Andreech whispered in despair. Well, don't babble then, but lie as flat as a pancake. Most likely, you will stay the night here and get out somehow tomorrow. No one will notice you. If one creeps out, it is not likely they would think there was another one here. There might as well be a dozen. Though you are as good as a dozen by yourself, move a little or I'll get out. You wound me, young man. What if I have a fit of coughing? One has to think of everything. Hush. What's that? I fancy I hear something going on upstairs again. Said the old gentleman who seemed to have had a nap in the interval. Upstairs? Do you hear, young man? I shall get out. Well, I hear. My goodness, young man, I am going. Oh, well, I am not then. I don't care. If there is an upset, I don't mind. But do you know what I suspect? I believe you are an injured husband. So there. Good heavens. What cynicism. Can you possibly suspect that? Why, a husband, I am not married. Not married? Fiddlesticks. I may be a lover myself. A nice lover. My dear sir, my dear sir. Oh, very well. I will tell you the whole story. Listen to my desperate story. It is not I. I am not married. I am a bachelor like you. It is my friend, a companion of my youth. I am a lover. He told me that he was an unhappy man. I am drinking the cup of bitterness, he said. I suspect my wife. Well, I said to him reasonably. Why do you suspect her? But you are not listening to me. Listen, listen. Jealousy is ridiculous, I said to him. Jealousy is a vice. No, he said. I am an unhappy man. I am drinking. That is, I suspect my wife. You are my friend, I said. You are the companion of my tender youth. Together we called the flowers of happiness. Together we rolled in feather beds of pleasure. My goodness, I don't know what I am saying. You keep laughing, young man. You'll drive me crazy. But you are crazy now. There, I knew you would say that. When I talked of being crazy, laugh away, laugh away, young man. I did the same in my day. I, too, went astray. I shall have inflammation of the brain. What is it, my love? I thought I heard someone sneeze. The old man chanted, Was that you sneezed, my love? Oh, goodness, said his wife. Sounded from under the bed. They must be making a noise upstairs, said his wife alarmed, for there certainly was a noise under the bed. Yes, upstairs, said the husband, upstairs. I told you just now, I met a I, that I met a young swell with moustaches. Oh, dear, my spine, a young swell with moustaches. With moustaches, my goodness, that must have been you, whispered Ivan Andreiich. Merciful heavens, what a man. Why, I am here, lying here with you. How could he have met me? But don't take hold of my face. My goodness, I shall faint in a minute. There certainly was a loud noise overhead at this moment. What can be happening there? whispered the young man. My dear sir, I am in alarm. I am in terror. Help me. Hush. There really is a noise, my love. There's a regular humbubble, and just over a bedroom too. Hadn't I better send up to inquire? Well, what will you think of next? Oh, I won't, but really, how cross you are today. Oh, dear, you had better go to bed. Liza, you don't love me at all. Oh, yes, I do. For goodness' sake, I am so tired. Well, well, I am going. Oh, no, no, don't go. cried his wife. Or, no, better go. Why, what does the matter with you? One minute I am to go, and the next I'm not. Hey, hey, hey. It really is bedtime. The pan-of-findence little girl. The little girl. I saw her little girl's Nuremberg doll. Well, now it's dolls. A pretty doll. He is saying goodbye, said the young man. he is going and we can get away at once do you hear you can rejoice oh god granted it is a lesson to you young man a lesson for what I feel it but you are young you cannot teach me I will though listen oh dear I'm going to sneeze hush if you dare but what can I do there is such a smell of mice here I can't help it take my handkerchief cut up my pocket I can't stir oh my god my god why am I so punished here is your handkerchief I will tell you what you are punished for you are jealous goodness knows on what grounds you rush about like a madman burst into other people's flats created disturbance young man I have not created a disturbance hush young man you can't lecture to me about morals I am more moral than you hush oh my god oh my god you created a disturbance you frighten a young lady a timid woman who does not know what to do for terror and perhaps will be ill you disturb a venerable old man suffering from a complaint and who needs repose above everything and all this what for because you imagine some nonsense which set you running all over the neighborhood do you understand what a horrid position you are in now I do very well sir I feel it but you have not the right hold your tongue what has right got to do with it do you understand that this may have a tragic ending do you understand that the old man who was fond of his wife may go out of his mind when he sees you creep out from under the bed but no you are incapable of causing a tragedy when you crawl out I expect everyone who looks at you will laugh I should like to see you in the light you must look very funny and you you must be funny too in that case I should like to have a look at you too I dare say you would you must carry the stamp of immorality young man ah you are talking about morals how do you know why I'm here I am here by mistake I made a mistake in the story and the deuce knows why they let me in I suppose she must have been expecting someone not you of course I hid under the bed when I heard your stupid footsteps when I saw the lady was frightened besides it was dark and why should I justify myself to you you are a ridiculous jealous old man sir do you know why I don't crawl out perhaps you imagine I am afraid to come out no sir I should have come out long ago but I stay here from compassion for you why what would you be taken for if I were not here you'd stand facing them like a post you know you wouldn't know what to do why like that object couldn't you find anything else to compare me with young man why shouldn't I know what to do I should know what to do oh my goodness how that wretched dog keeps barking hush oh it really is that's because you keep jabbering you've waked the dog now there will be trouble the lady's dog who had till then been sleeping on a pillow in the corner suddenly awoke sniffed strangers and rushed under the bed with a loud bark oh my god what a stupid dog whisper dive in on treyich it will get us all into trouble here's another reflection oh well you are such a coward that it may well be so army army come here cried the lady you see you see but the dog without heating her made straight for Ivan on treyich why is it a Mishka keeps barking said the old gentleman there must be mice or the cat under there I seem to hear a sneezing and pussy had a cold this morning lies still whispered the young man don't twist about perhaps it will leave off sir let go of my hand sir why are you holding them hush be quiet but mercy on a young man it will bite my nose do you want me to lose my nose a struggle followed and Ivan on treyich got his hands free the dog broke into volleys of barking suddenly it ceased barking and gave a Yelp hi he cried the lady monster what are you doing cried the young man you will be the ruin of us both why are you holding it good heavens he is strangling it let it go monster you know nothing of the heart of women if you can do that she will betray us both if you strangle the dog but by now Ivan on treyich could hear nothing he had succeeded in catching the dog and in a paroxysm of self-preservation had squeezed its throat the dog yelled and gave up the ghost we are lost whispered the young man amishka amishka cried the lady my god what are they doing with my amishka amishka amishka is see oh the monsters barbarians oh dear I feel giddy what is it what is it cried the old gentleman jumping up from his easy chair what is the matter with you my darling amishka here amishka amishka amishka cried the old gentleman snapping with his fingers and clicking with his tongue and calling amishka from under the bed amishka he see he see the cat cannot have eaten him the cat wants a thrashing my love he hasn't had a beating for a whole month the rogue what do you think I'll talk to Praskovia Zahaevna but my goodness what is the matter my love oh how white you are oh oh servants servants and the old gentleman ran about the room villains monsters cried the lady sinking on the sofa who who who cried the old gentleman and there are people here strangers there under the bed oh my god amishka amishka what have they done to you good heavens what people amishka servants servants come here who is there who is there cried the old gentleman snatching up a candle and bending down under the bed who is there Ivan Andreech was lying more dead than alive beside the breathless corpse of amishka but the young man was watching every movement of the old gentleman all at once the old gentleman went to the other side of the bed by the wall and bent down in a flash the young man crept out from under the bed and took to his heels while the husband was looking for his visitors on the other side good gracious exclaimed the lady staring at the young man who are you why I thought that monster still there whispered the young man he is guilty of amishka's death shriek the lady but the young man had already vanished from the room hey there is someone here here are somebody's boots cried the husband catching Ivan Andreech by the leg murderer murderer cried the lady oh army army come out come out cried the old gentleman stamping on the carpet with both feet come out who are you tell me who you are good gracious what a queer person why it's robbers for God's Sakes for God's sake cried Ivan Andreech creeping out for God's sake your Excellency don't call the servants your Excellency don't call anyone it's quite unnecessary you can kick me out I am not that sort of person I am a different case your Excellency it has all been due to a mistake I'll explain directly your Excellency exclaimed Ivan Andreech sobbing and gasping it's all my wife that is not my wife but somebody else's wife I am not married I am only it's my comrade a friend of youthful days what friend of youthful days cried the old gentleman stamping who are a thief you have come to steal and not a friend of youthful days no I am not a thief you Excellency I am really a friend of youthful days I have only blundered by accident I came into the wrong place yes sir yes I see from what place you've crawled out your Excellency I am not that sort of man you are mistaken I tell you you are cruelly mistaken your Excellency only glance at me look at me and by signs and tokens you will see that I can't be a thief your Excellency your Excellency cried Ivan Andreech folding his hands and appealing to the young lady you are a lady you will understand me it was I killed Amishka but it was not my fault it was really not my fault it was all my wife's fault I am an unhappy man I am drinking the cup of bitterness but really what has it to do with me that you are drinking the cup of bitterness perhaps it is not the only cup you've drunk it seems so to judge from your condition but how did you come here sir cried the old gentleman quivering with excitement though he certainly was convinced by certain signs and tokens that Ivan Andreech could not be a thief I ask you how did you come here you break in like a robber not a robber your Excellency I simply came to the wrong place I am really not a robber it is all because I was jealous I will tell you all about it your Excellency I will confess it all frankly as I would to my own father for at your venerable age I might take you for a father what do you mean by venerable age your Excellency perhaps I've offended you of course such a young lady and your age it is a pleasant sight your Excellency it really is a pleasant sight such a union in the prime of life but don't call the servants for God's sake don't call the servants a servants would only laugh I know them that is I don't mean that I am only acquainted with footmen I have a footmen of my own your Excellency and they are always laughing the asses your Highness I believe I'm not mistaken I am addressing a prince no I am not a prince sir I am an independent gentleman please do not flatter me with your Highness how did you get here sir how did you get here your Highness that is your Excellency excuse me I thought that you were your Highness I looked I imagined it does happen you are so like Prince Korat Kuhov whom I have had the honor of meeting at my friend Mr. Pussirev's you see I am acquainted with Princess too I have met Princess too at the houses of my friends you cannot take me for what you take me for I am not a thief your Excellency don't call the servants what will be the good of it if you do call them but how did you come here cried the lady who are you yes who are you the husband chimed in and my love I thought it was pussy under the bed sneezing and it was he who vagabond who are you tell me and the old gentleman stamped on the carpet again I cannot speak your Excellency I am waiting till you are finished I am enjoying your witty jokes as regards me it is an absurd story your Excellency I will tell you all about it it can all be explained without more ado that is I mean don't call the servants your Excellency treat me in a gentlemanly way it means nothing that I was under the bed I have not sacrificed my dignity by that it is the most comical story your Excellency cried Ivan Andreech addressing the lady with a supplicating air you particularly your Excellency would laugh you be hold upon the scene a jealous husband you see I abase myself I abase myself of my own free will I did indeed kill a mischia but my god I don't know what I am saying but how how did you get here under the cover of night your Excellency under the cover of night I beg your pardon forgive me your Excellency I humbly beg your pardon I am only an injured husband nothing more don't imagine your Excellency that I am a lover I am not a lover your wife is virtue itself if I may venture so to express myself she is pure and innocent what what what did you have the audacity to say cried the old man stamping his foot again are you out of your mind or not how dare you talk about my wife he is a villain a murderer who has killed a mischia wailed the lady dissolving into tears and then he dares your Excellency your Excellency I spoke foolishly cried Ivan Andreech in a fluster I was talking foolishly that was all think of me as out of my mind goodness sake think of me as out of my mind I assure you that you will be doing me the greatest favor I would offer you my hand but I do not venture to I was not alone I was an uncle I mean to say that you cannot take me for the lover goodness I put my foot in it again do not be offended your Excellency cried Ivan Andreech to the lady you are a lady you understand what love is it is a delicate feeling but what am I saying I am talking nonsense again that is I mean to say that I am an old man that is a middle-aged man not an old man that I cannot be your lover that a lover is a Richardson that is a loveless I am talking nonsense but you see your Excellency that I am a well educated man and know something of literature you are laughing your Excellency I am delighted delighted that I have provoked you a mirth your Excellency Oh how delighted I am that I have provoked your mirth my goodness what a funny man cried the lady exploding with laughter yes he is funny and in such a mess said the old man delighted that his wife was laughing he cannot be a thief my love but how did he come here it really is strange it really is strange it is like a novel why at the dead of night in a great city a man under the bed strange funny rinaldo rinaldine after a fashion but that is no matter no matter your Excellency I will tell you all about it and I will buy you a new lapdog your Excellency a wonderful lapdog such a long coat such short little legs it can't walk more than a step or two it runs a little gets entangled in its own coat and tumbles over one feeds it on nothing but sugar I will bring you one I will certainly bring you one the lady was rolling from side to side with laughter oh dear I shall have hysterics oh how funny he is yes he is funny and he is in a mess your Excellency your Excellency I am now perfectly happy I would offer you my hand but I do not venture to your Excellency I feel that I have been in error but now I am opening my eyes I am certain my wife is pure innocent I was wrong and suspecting her wife his wife cried the lady with tears in her eyes through laughing hey married impossible I should never have thought it said the old gentleman your Excellency my wife it is all her fault that is it is my fault I suspected her I knew that an assignation had been arranged here here upstairs I intercepted a letter made a mistake about the story and got under the bed I've been Andre itch began laughing at last how happy I am oh how wonderful to see that we are all so happy and harmonious and my wife is entirely innocent that must be so your Excellency do you know my love who it was said the old man at last recovering from his mirth she must be the pretty woman who makes eyes the one with the dandy it's she I bet that's his wife no your Excellency I am certain it is not she I am perfectly certain but my goodness you are losing time cried the lady leaving off laughing run go upstairs perhaps you will find them certainly your Excellency I will fly but I shall not find anyone your Excellency it is not she I am certain of it beforehand she is at home now it is all my fault it is simply my jealousy nothing else what do you think do you suppose that I shall find them there your Excellency you must go you must go and when you come down come in and tell us cried the lady or better still tomorrow morning and do bring her to I should like to make her acquaintance goodbye your Excellency goodbye I will certainly bring her I shall be very glad for her to make your acquaintance I am glad and happy that it was all ended so and has turned out for the best and the lapdog don't forget it be sure to bring the lapdog I will bring it your Excellency I will certainly bring it responded Ivan Andreech darting back into the room for he had already made his bowels and withdrawn I will certainly bring it it is such a pretty one it is just as though a confectioner had made it of sweet meats and it's such a funny little thing gets entangled its own coat and falls over it really is a lapdog I said to my wife how is it my love it keeps tumbling over it is such a little thing she said as though it were made of sugar of sugar your Excellency goodbye your Excellency very very glad to make your acquaintance very glad to make your acquaintance Ivan Andreech bowed himself out hey sir stay come back cried the old gentleman after the retreating Ivan Andreech the latter turned back for the third time I still can't find the cat didn't you meet him when you were under the bed no I didn't your Excellency very glad to make his acquaintance though and I shall look upon it as an honor he has a code in his head now and keeps sneezing and sneezing he must have a beating yes your Excellency of course corrective punishment is essential with domestic animals what I say that corrective punishment is necessary your Excellency to enforce obedience in the domestic animals huh well goodbye goodbye that is all I had to say coming out into the street Ivan Andreech stood for a long time in an attitude that suggested that he was expecting to have a fit in another minute he took off his hat wiped the cold sweat from his brow screwed up his eyes thought a minute and set off homework what was his amazement when he learned at home that Glyphira Petrovna had come back from the theater a long long time before that she had a toothache that she had sent for the doctor that she had sent for leeches and that now she was lying in bed and expecting Ivan Andreech Ivan Andreech slapped himself on the forehead told the servant to help him wash and to brush his clothes and at last ventured to go into his wife's room where is it you spent your time look what a sight you are what do you look like where have you been lost all this time upon my word sir your wife is dying and you have to be hunted for all over the town where have you been surely you have not been tracking me trying to disturb a rendezvous I am supposed to have made though I don't know with whom for shame sir you are a husband people will soon be pointing at you in the street my love responded Ivan Andreech but at this point he was so overcome with confusion that he had to feel in his pocket for his handkerchief and to break off in the speech he was beginning because he had neither words thoughts or courage what was his amazement horror an alarm when with his handkerchief fell out of his pocket the corpse of Amishka Ivan Andreech had not noticed that when he had been forced to creep out from under the bed in an access of despair and unreasoning terror he had stuffed Amishka into his pocket with a faraway idea of burying the traces concealing the evidence of his crime and so avoiding the punishment he deserved what's this cried a spouse a nasty dead dog goodness where has it come from what have you been up to where have you been tell me at once where you have been my love answered Ivan Andreech almost as dead as Amishka my love but here we will leave our hero till another time for a new and quite different adventure begins here someday we will describe all these calamities and misfortunes gentlemen but you will admit that jealousy is an unpardonable passion and what is more it is a positive misfortune end of part two of another man's wife by Fyodor Dostoevsky reading by John Van Stan Savannah Georgia section nine of short stories by Fyodor Dostoevsky this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the heavenly Christmas tree I am a novelist and I suppose I have made up this story I write I suppose though I know for a fact that I have made it up but yet I keep fancying that it must have happened somewhere at some time that it must have happened on Christmas Eve in some great town in a time of terrible frost I have a vision of a boy a little boy six years old or even younger this boy woke up that morning in a cold damp cellar he was dressed in a sort of little dressing gown and was shivering with cold there was a cloud of white steam from his breath and sitting on a box in the corner he blew the steam out of his mouth and amused himself in his dullness watching it float away but he was terribly hungry several times that morning he went up to the plank bed where his sick mother was lying on a mattress as thin as a pancake with some sort of bundle under her head for a pillow how had she come here she must have come with her boy from some other town and suddenly fallen ill the landlady who let the corners had been taken two days before to the police station the lodgers were out and about as the holiday was so near and the only one left had been lying for the last 24 hours dead drunk not having waited for Christmas in another corner of the room a wretched old woman of 80 who had once been a children's nurse but was now left to die friendless was moaning and groaning with rheumatism scolding and grumbling at the boy so that he was afraid to go near her corner he had got a drink of water in the outer room but could not find a crust anywhere and had been on the point of waking his mother a dozen times he felt frightened at last in the darkness it had long been dusk but no light was kindled touching his mother's face he was surprised that she did not move at all and that she was as cold as the wall it is very cold here he thought he stood a little unconsciously letting his hands rest on the dead woman's shoulders then he breathed on his fingers to warm them and then quietly fumbling for his cap on the bed he went out of the cellar he would have gone earlier but was afraid of the big dog which had been howling all day at the neighbor's door at the top of the stairs but the dog was not there now and he went out into the street mercy on us what a town he had never seen anything like it before in the town from which he had come it was always such black darkness at night there was one lamp for the whole street the little low-pitched wooden houses were closed up with shutters there was no one to be seen in the street after dusk all the people shut themselves up in their houses and there was nothing but the howling of packs of dogs hundreds and thousands of them barking and howling all night but there it was so warm and he was given food while here oh dear if you only had something to eat and what a noise and rattle here what light and what people horses and carriage and what a frost the frozen steam hung in clouds over the horses over their warmly breathing mouths their hooves clanged against the stones through the powdery snow and everyone pushed so and oh dear how he longed for some morsel to eat and how wretched he suddenly felt a policeman walked by and turned away to avoid seeing the boy here was another street oh what a wide one here he would be run over for certain how everyone was shouting racing and driving along and the light of the light and what was this a huge glass window and through the window a tree reaching up to the ceiling it was a fir tree and on it were ever so many lights gold papers and apples and little dolls and horses and there were children clean and dressed in their best running about the room laughing and playing and eating and drinking something and then a little girl began dancing with one of the boys what a pretty little girl and you could hear the music through the window the boy looked and wondered and laughed though his toes were aching with the cold and his fingers were red and stiff so that it hurt him to move them and all at once the boy remembered how his toes and fingers hurt him and began crying and ran on and again through another window pain he saw another Christmas tree and on a table cakes of all sorts almond cakes red cakes and yellow cakes and three grand young ladies were sitting there and they gave the cakes to anyone who went up to them and the door kept opening lots of gentlemen and ladies went in from the street the boy crept up suddenly opened the door and went in oh how they shouted at him and waved him back one lady went up to him hurriedly and slipped a co-pack into his hand and with her own hands opened the door into the street for him how frightened he was and the co-pack rolled away and clinked upon the steps he could not bend his red fingers to hold it tight the boy ran away and went on where he did not know he was ready to cry again but he was afraid and ran on and on and blew his fingers and he was miserable because he felt suddenly so lonely and terrified and all at once mercy on us what was this again people were standing in a crowd admiring behind a glass window there were three little dolls dressed in red and green dresses and exactly exactly as though they were alive one was a little old man sitting and playing a big violin the two others were standing close by and playing little violins and nodding in time and looking at one another and their lips moved they were speaking actually speaking only one couldn't hear through the glass and at first the boy thought they were alive and when he grasped that they were dolls he laughed he had never seen such dolls before and had no idea there were such dolls and he wanted to cry but he felt amused amused by the dolls all at once he fancied that someone caught at his smock behind a wicked big boy was standing beside him and suddenly hit him on the head snatched off his cap and tripped him the boy fell down on the ground at once there was a shout he was numb with fright he jumped up and ran away he ran and not knowing where he was going ran in at the gate of someone's courtyard and sat behind a stack of wood they won't find me here besides it's dark he sat huddled up and was breathless from fright and all at once quite suddenly he felt so happy his hands and feet suddenly left off aching and grew so warm as warm as though he were on a stove they shivered all over and he gave a start why he must have been asleep how nice to have a sleep here I'll sit here a little and go and look at the dolls again said the boy and smiled thinking of them just as though they were alive and suddenly he heard his mother singing over him Mammy I am asleep how nice it is to sleep here come to my Christmas tree little one a soft voice suddenly whispered over his head he thought that this was still his mother but no it was not she who it was calling him he could not see but someone bent over and embraced him in the darkness and he stretched out his hands to him and and all at once oh what a bright light oh what a Christmas tree and yet it was not a fir tree he had never seen a tree like that where was he now everything was bright and shining and all around him were dolls but no they were not dolls they were little boys and girls only so bright and shining they all came flying around him they all kissed him took him and carried him along with them and he was flying himself and he saw that his mother was looking at him and laughing joyfully Mammy Mammy oh how nice it is here Mammy and again he kissed the children and wanted to tell them at once of those dolls in the shop window who are you boys who are you girls he asked laughing and admiring them this is Christ's Christmas tree they answered Christ always has a Christmas tree on this day for the little children who have no tree of their own and he found out that all these little boys and girls were children just like himself that some had been frozen in the baskets in which they had as babies been laid on the doorsteps of well-to-do Petersburg people others had been boarded out with Finnish women by the Foundling and had been suffocated others had died at their starved mother's breasts in the Samara famine others had died in the third class railway carriages from the foul air and yet they were all here they were all like angels about Christ and he was in the midst of them and held out his hands to them and bless them and their sinful mothers and the mothers of these children stood on one side weeping each one knew her boy or girl and the children flew up to them and kissed them and wiped away their tears with their little hands and begged them not to weep because they were so happy and down below in the morning the porter found the little dead body of the frozen child on the wood stack they sought out his mother too she had died before him they met before the Lord God in heaven why have I made up such a story so out of keeping with an ordinary diary and a writer's above all and I promise two stories dealing with real events but that is just it I keep fancying that all this may have happened really that is what took place in the cellar and on the wood stack but as for Christ's Christmas tree I cannot tell you whether that could have happened or not end of the heavenly Christmas tree by Fyodor Dostoyevsky recording by John Van Stan Savannah Georgia section 10 of short stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky this sleeper box recording is in the public domain the peasant Mari it was the second day in Easter week the air was warm the sky was blue the sun was high warm bright but my soul was very gloomy I sauntered behind the prison barracks I stared at the pailings of the stout prison fence counting the movers but I had no inclination to count them though it was my habit to do so this was the second day of the holidays in the prison the convicts were not taken out to work there were numbers of men drunk loud abuse and quarreling was springing up continually in every corner there were hideous disgusting songs and card parties installed beside the platform beds several of the convicts who had been sentenced by their comrades for special violence to be beaten till they were half dead were lying on the platform bed covered with sheepskins till they should recover and come to themselves again knives had already been drawn several times for these two days of holiday all this had been torturing me till it made me ill and indeed I could never endure without repulsion the noise and disorder of drunken people and especially in this place on these days even the prison officials did not look into the prison made no searches did not look for vodka understanding that they must allow even these outcasts to enjoy themselves once a year and that things would be even worse if they did not at last a sudden fury flamed up in my heart a political prisoner called monsieur met me he looked at me gloomily his eyes flashed and his lips quivered jehe c'est brigand he hissed to me through his teeth and walked on I returned to the prison ward though only a quarter of an hour before I had rushed out of it as though I were crazy when six stalwart fellows had altogether flung themselves upon the drunken Taitar Ghassan to suppress him and had begun beating him they beat him stupidly a camel might have been killed by such blows but they knew that this Hercules was not easy to kill and so they beat him without uneasiness now on returning I noticed on the bed in the furthest corner of the room Ghassan lying unconscious almost without sign of life he lay covered with a sheepskin and everyone walked around him without speaking though they confidently hoped that he would come to himself next morning yet if luck was against him maybe from a beating like that the man would die I made my way to my own place opposite the window with the iron grating and lay on my back with my hands behind my head and my eyes shut I like to lie like that a sleeping man is not molested and meanwhile one can dream and think but I could not dream my heart was beating uneasily and Monsieur's words jehe c'est brigand were echoing in my ears but why describe my impressions I sometimes dream even now of those times at night and I have no dreams more agonizing perhaps it will be noticed that even to this day I have scarcely once spoken in print of my life in prison the house of the dead I wrote fifteen years ago in the character of an imaginary person a criminal who had killed his wife I may add by the way that since then very many persons have supposed and even now maintain that I was sent to penal servitude for the murder of my wife gradually I sank into forgetfulness and by degrees was lost in memories during the whole course of my four years in prison I was continually recalling all my past and seemed to live over again the whole of my life in recollection those memories rose up of themselves it was not often that of my own will I summoned them it would begin from some point some little thing at times unnoticed and then by degrees there would rise up a complete picture some vivid and incomplete impression I used to analyze these impressions give new features to what had happened long ago and best of all I used to correct it correct it continually that was my great amusement on this occasion I suddenly for some reason remembered an unnoticed moment in my early childhood when I was only nine years old a moment which I should have thought I had utterly forgotten but at that time I was particularly fond of memories of my early childhood I remembered the month of August in our country house a dry bright day but rather cold and windy summer was waning and soon we should have to go to Moscow to be bored all the winter over French lessons and I was so sorry to leave the country I walk past the threshing floor and going down the ravine I went up to the dense thicket of bushes that covered the further side of the ravine as far as the cops and I plunged right into the midst of the bushes and heard a peasant plowing alone on the clearing about thirty paces away I knew that he was plowing up the steep hill and the horse was moving with effort and from time to time the peasants call come up floated upwards to me I knew almost all our peasants but I did not know which it was plowing now and I did not care who it was I was absorbed in my own affairs I was busy too I was breaking off switches from the nut trees to whip the frogs with nutsticks make such fine whips but they do not last while birch twigs are just the opposite I was interested too in beetles and other insects I used to collect them some were very ornamental I was very fond too of the little nimble red and yellow lizards with black spots on them but I was afraid of snakes snakes however were much more rare than lizards there were not many mushrooms there to get mushrooms one had to go to the birch wood and I was about to set off there and there was nothing in the world that I loved so much as the wood with its mushrooms and wild berries with its beetles and its birds its hedgehogs and its squirrels with its damp smell of dead leaves which I loved so much and even as I write I smell the fragrance of our birch wood these impressions will remain for my whole life suddenly in the midst of the profound stillness I heard a clear and distinct shout wolf I shrieked and beside myself with terror calling out at the top of my voice ran out into the clearing and straight into the peasant who was plowing it was our peasant Mari I don't know if there is such a name but everyone called him Mari a thick set rather well-grown peasant of fifty with the good many gray hairs in his dark brown spreading beard I knew him but it scarcely ever happened to speak to him till then he stopped his horse on hearing my cry and when breathless I caught with one hand at his plow and with the other at his sleeve he saw how frightened I was there is a wolf I cried panting he flung up his head and could not help looking round for an instant almost believing me where is the wolf a shout someone shouted wolf I faltered out nonsense nonsense a wolf why it was your fancy how could there be a wolf he muttered reassuring me but I was trembling all over and still kept tight hold of his smock frock and I must have been quite pale he looked at me with an uneasy smile evidently anxious and troubled over me why you have had a fright I he shook his head there dear come little one I he stretched out his hand and all at once stroked my cheek come come there Christ be with you cross yourself but I did not cross myself the corners of my mouth were twitching and I think that struck him particularly he put out his thick black nailed earth stained finger and softly touched my twitching lips I there there he said to me with a slow almost motherly smile dear dear what is the matter there come come I grasped at last that there was no wolf and that the shout that I had heard was my fancy yet that shout had been so clear and distinct but such shouts not only about wolves I had imagined once or twice before and I was aware of that these hallucinations passed away later as I grew older well I will go then I said looking at him timidly and inquiringly well do and I'll keep watch on you as you go I won't let the wolf get at you he added still smiling at me with the same motherly expression well Christ be with you come run along then and he made the sign of the cross over me and then over himself I walked away looking back almost at every tenth step marie stood still with his mare as I walked away and looked after me and nodded to me every time I looked round I must own I felt a little ashamed at having let him see me so frightened but I was still very much afraid of the wolf as I walked away until I reached the first bar and halfway up the slope of the ravine there my fright vanished completely and all at once our yard dog volchok flew to meet me with volchok I felt quite safe and I turned round to marie for the last time I could not see his face distinctly but I felt that he was still nodding and smiling affectionately to me I waved to him he waved back to me and started his little mare come up I heard his call in the distance again and the little mare pulled at the plow again all this I recalled all at once I don't know why but with extraordinary minuteness of detail I suddenly roused myself and sat up on the platform bed and I remember found myself still smiling quietly at my memories I brooded over them for another minute when I got home that day I told no one of my adventure with marie and indeed it was hardly an adventure and in fact I soon forgot marie when I met him now and then afterwards I never even spoke to him about the wolf or anything else and all at once now 20 years afterwards in Siberia I remembered this meeting with such distinctness to the smallest detail so it must have lain hidden in my soul though I knew nothing of it and rose suddenly to my memory when it was wanted I remembered the soft motherly smile of the poor surf the way he signed me with the cross and shook his head there there you have had a fright little one and I remembered particularly the thick earth-stained finger with which he softly and with timid tenderness touched my quivering lips of course anyone would have reassured a child but something quite different seemed to have happened in that solitary meeting and if I had been his own son he could not have looked at me with eyes shining with greater love and what made him like that he was our surf and I was his little master after all no one would know that he had been kind to me and reward him for it was he perhaps very fond of little children some people are it was a solitary meeting in the deserted fields and only god perhaps may have seen from above with what deep and humane civilized feeling and with what delicate almost feminine tenderness the heart of a coarse brutally ignorant Russian surf who had as yet no expectation no idea even of his freedom may be filled was not this perhaps what Konstantin Oksakov meant when he spoke of the high degree of culture of our peasantry and when I got down off the bed and looked around me I remember I suddenly felt that I could look at these unhappy creatures with quite different eyes and that suddenly by some miracle all hatred and anger had vanished utterly from my heart I walked about looking into the faces that I met the shaven peasant branded on his face as a criminal bawling his horse drunken song may be that very marry I cannot look into his heart I met Mishir again that evening poor fellow he could have no memories of Russian peasants and no other view of these people but yes the Polish prisoners had more to bear than I end of the peasant marry by Fyodor Dostoyevsky recording by John Van Stan Savannah Georgia section 11 of short stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the crocodile an extraordinary incident a true story of how a gentleman of a certain age and of respectable appearance was swallowed alive by the crocodile in the arcade and of the consequences that followed part one on the 13th of January of this present year 1865 at half past 12 in the day Elena Ivanovna the wife of my cultured friend Ivan Matvić who is a colleague in the same department and may be said to be a distant relation of mine too express the desire to see the crocodile now on view at a fixed charge in the arcade as Ivan Matvić had already in his pocket his ticket for a tour abroad not so much for the sake of his health as for the improvement of his mind and was consequently free from his official duties and had nothing whatever to do that morning he offered no objection to his wife's irresistible fancy but was positively aflame with curiosity himself a capital idea he said with the utmost satisfaction we'll have a look at the crocodile on the eve of visiting Europe it is as well to acquaint ourselves on the spot with its indigenous inhabitants and with these words taking his wife's arm he set off with her at once for the arcade I joined them as I usually do being an intimate friend of the family I have never seen Ivan Matvić in a more agreeable frame of mind than he was on that memorable morning how true it is that we know not beforehand the fate that awaits us on entering the arcade he was at once full of admiration for the splendors of the building and when we reached the shop in which the monster lately arrived in Petersburg was being exhibited he volunteered to pay the quarter ruble for me to the crocodile owner a thing which had never happened before walking into a little room we observed that besides the crocodile there were in it parrots of the species known as cockatoo and also a group of monkeys in a special case in a recess near the entrance along the left wall stood a big tin tank that looked like a bath covered with a thin iron grating filled with water to the depth of two inches in this shallow pool was kept a huge crocodile which lay like a log absolutely motionless and apparently deprived of all its faculties by our damp climate so inhospitable to foreign visitors this monster at first aroused no special interest in any one of us so this is the crocodile said Elena Ivanovna with a pathetic cadence of regret why i thought it was something different most probably she thought it was made of diamonds the owner of the crocodile a german came out and looked at us with an air of extraordinary pride he has a right to be Ivan Matveich whispered to me he knows he is the only man in russia exhibiting a crocodile this quite nonsensical observation i ascribe also to the extremely good humored mood which had overtaken Ivan Matveich who was on other occasions of rather envious disposition i fancy your crocodile is not alive said Elena Ivanovna peaked by the stilidity of the proprietor and addressing him with a charming smile in order to soften his churlishness a maneuver so typically feminine oh no madam the latter replied in broken Russian and instantly moving the grating half off the tank he poked at the monster's head with a stick then the treacherous monster to show that it was alive faintly stirred its paws and tail raised its snout and emitted something like a prolonged snuffle come don't be cross-correlation said the german caressingly gratified in his vanity how horrid that crocodile is i am really frightened Elena Ivanovna twittered still more coquettishly i know i shall dream of him now but he won't bite you if you do dream of him the german retorted gallantly and was the first to laugh at his own jest but none of us responded come semian semianich said Elena Ivanovna addressing me exclusively let us go and look at the monkeys i am awfully fond of monkeys they are such darlings and the crocodile is horrid oh don't be afraid my dear Ivan Matveitch called after us gallantly displaying his manly courage to his wife this drowsy denison of the realms of the pharaohs will do us no harm and he remained by the tank what is more he took his glove and began tickling the crocodile's nose with it wishing as he said afterwards to endorse him to snort the proprietor showed his politeness to a lady by following Elena Ivanovna to the chase of monkeys so everything was going well and nothing could have been foreseen Elena Ivanovna was quite skittish in her raptures over the monkeys and seemed completely taken up with them with shrieks of delight she was continually turning to me as though determined not to notice the proprietor and kept gushing with laughter at the resemblance she detected between these monkeys and her intimate friends and acquaintances i too was amused for the resemblance was unmistakable the german did not know whether to laugh or not and so at last was reduced to frowning and it was at that moment that a terrible i may say unnatural scream set the room vibrating not knowing what to think for the first moment i stood still numb with horror but noticing that Elena Ivanovna was screaming too i quickly turned around and what did i behold i saw oh heavens i saw the luckless Ivan Matveitch in the terrible jaws of the crocodile held by them round the waist lifted horizontally in the air and desperately kicking then one moment and no trace remained of him but i must describe it in detail for i stood all the while motionless and had time to watch the whole process taking place before me with attention and interest such as i never remember to have felt before what i thought at that critical moment what if all that had happened to me instead of to Ivan Matveitch how unpleasant it would have been for me but to return to my story the crocodile began by turning the unhappy Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws so that he could swallow his legs first then bringing up Ivan Matveitch who kept trying to jump out and clutching at the sides of the tank sucked him down again as far as his waist then bringing him up again gulped him down and so again and again in this way Ivan Matveitch was visibly disappearing before our eyes at last with a final gulp the crocodile swallowed my cultured friend entirely this time leaving no trace of him from the outside of the crocodile we could see the protuberances of Ivan Matveitch's figure as he passed down the inside of the monster i was on the point of screaming again when destiny played another treacherous trick upon us the crocodile made a tremendous effort probably oppressed by the magnitude of the object he had swallowed once more opened his terrible jaws and with a final hiccup he suddenly let the head of Ivan Matveitch pop out for a second with an expression of despair on his face in that brief instant the spectacles dropped off his nose to the bottom of the tank it seemed as though that despairing countenance had only popped out to cast one last look on the objects around it to take its last farewell of all earthly pleasures but it had not time to carry out its intention the crocodile made another effort gave a gulp and instantly it vanished again this time forever this appearance and disappearance of a still living human head was so horrible but at the same time either from its rapidity and unexpectedness or from the dropping of the spectacles there was something so comic about it that i suddenly quite unexpectedly exploded with laughter but pulling myself together and realizing that to laugh at such a moment was not the thing for an old family friend i turned at once to Elena Ivanovna and said with a sympathetic air now it's all over with our friend Ivan Matveitch i cannot even attempt to describe how violent was the agitation of Elena Ivanovna during the whole process after the first scream she seemed rooted to the spot and stared at the catastrophe with apparent indifference though her eyes looked as though they were starting out of her head then she suddenly went off into a heart-rending wail but i seized her hands this instant the proprietor too who had at first been also petrified by horror suddenly clasped his hands and cried gazing upwards all my crocodile all my a la leaps to caution mutha mutha mutha a door at the rear of the room opened at this cry and the mutha a rosy cheeked elderly but disheveled woman in a cap made her appearance and rushed with a shriek to her german a perfect bedlam followed Elena Ivanovna kept shrieking out the same phrase as though in a frenzy apparently in treating them probably in a moment of oblivion to flay somebody for something the proprietor and mutha took no notice whatever of either of us they were both bellowing like calves over the crocodile he did for himself he will burst himself at once for he did swallow a gants official cried the proprietor howled his wife we are bereaved and without bread chimed in the proprietor flay him flay him flay him clamor to layna Ivanovna clutching at the german's coat he did tease the crocodile for what did your man tease the crocodile cried the german pooling away from her you will if Carl shin fair to burst therefore pay das vor mein zon das vor mein einziger zon i must own i was intensely indignant at the site of such egoism in the german and the cold heartedness of his disheveled mutha at the same time Elena Ivanovna's reiterated shriek of flay him flay him troubled me even more and absorbed at last my whole attention positively alarming me i may as well say straight off that i entirely misunderstood this strange exclamation it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna had for the moment taken leave of her senses but nevertheless wishing to avenge the loss of her beloved Ivan Matvić was demanding by way of compensation that the crocodile should be severely thrashed while she was meaning something quite different looking round at the door not without embarrassment i began to entreat Elena Ivanovna to calm herself and above all not to use the shocking word flay for such a reactionary desire here in the midst of the arcade and of the most cultured society not two paces from the hall where at this very minute mr. Lavrov was perhaps delivering a public lecture was not only impossible but unthinkable and might at any moment to bring upon us the hisses of culture and the caricatures of mr steppin off to my horror i was immediately proved to be correct in my alarmed suspicions the curtain that divided the crocodile room from the little entry where the quarter rubles were taken suddenly apart and in the opening there appeared a figure with moustaches and a beard carrying a cap with the upper part of its body bent a long way forward though the feet were scrupulously held beyond the threshold of the crocodile room in order to avoid the necessity of paying the entrance money such a reactionary desire madame said the stranger trying to avoid falling over in our direction and to remain standing outside the room does no credit to your development and is conditioned by lack of phosphorus in your brain you will be promptly held up to shame in the chronicle of progress and in our satirical prints but he could not complete his remarks the proprietor coming to himself and seeing with horror that a man was talking in the crocodile room without having paid entrance money rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and turned him out with a punch from each fist for a moment both vanished from our sight behind a curtain and only then I grasped that the whole uproar was about nothing Elena Ivanovna turned out quite innocent she had as I have mentioned already no idea whatever of subjecting the crocodile to a degrading corporal punishment and had simply expressed the desire that he should be opened and her husband released from his interior what you wish that my crocodile be perished the proprietor yelled running again no let your husband be perished first before my crocodile my father showed crocodile my gross father showed crocodile my son will show crocodile and I will show crocodile all will show crocodile I am known to ganz europa and you are not known to ganz europa and you must pay me a struffa yeah yeah put in the vindictive german woman we shall not let you go struffa since caution is burst and indeed it's useless to play the creature I added calmly anxious to get Elena Ivanovna away home as quickly as possible as our dear Ivan Matvić is by now probably soaring somewhere in the imperian my dear we suddenly heard to our amazement the voice of Ivan Matvić my dear my advice is to apply direct to the superintendent's office as without the assistance of the police the german will never be made to see reason these words uttered with firmness and aplomb and expressing an exceptional presence of mind for the first minute so astounded us that we could not believe our ears but of course we ran at once to the crocodile's tank and with equal reverence and incredulity listen to the unhappy captive his voice was muffled thin and even squeaky as though it came from a considerable distance the reminded one of a jocos person who's covering his mouth with a pillow shouts from an adjoining room trying to mimic the sound of two peasants calling to one another in a deserted plane or across a wide ravine a performance to which I once had the pleasure of listening in a friend's house at christmas Ivan Matvić my dear and so you are alive falter delena Ivanovna alive and well answered Ivan Matvić and thanks to the almighty swallowed without any damage whatever I am only uneasy as to the view my superiors may take of the incident for after getting a permit to go abroad I've got into a crocodile which seems anything but clever but my dear don't trouble your head about being clever first of all we must somehow excavate you from where you are Elena Ivanovna interrupted excavate cried the proprietor I will not let my crocodile be excavated now the publicum will come many more and I will thin stick copex ask and Carl shin will cease to burst got sit down put in his wife they are right Ivan Matvić observed tranquilly the principles of economics before everything my dear I will fly at once to the authorities and larger complaint for I feel that we cannot settle this mess by ourselves I think so too observed Ivan Matvić but in our age of industrial crisis it is not easy to rip open the belly of a crocodile without economic compensation and meanwhile the inevitable question presents itself what will the German take for his crocodile and with it another how will it be paid for as you know I have no means perhaps out of your salary I observed timidly but the proprietor interrupted me at once I will not the crocodile cell I will for 3000 the crocodile cell I will for 4000 the crocodile cell now the publicum will come very many I will for 5000 the crocodile cell in fact he gave himself insufferable airs covetousness and a revolting greed gleamed joyfully in his eyes I am going I cried indignantly and I I too I shall go to Andrei Ossipitch himself I will soften him with my tears wind Elena Ivanovna don't do that my dear Ivan Matvić hastened to interpose he had long been jealous of Andrei Ossipitch on his wife's account and he knew she would enjoy going to weep before a gentleman of refinement for tears suited her and I don't advise you to do so either my friend he added addressing me it's no good plunging headlong in that slap-dash way there's no knowing what it might lead to you and much better go today to Timothy Semyonich as though to pay an ordinary visit he is an old fashioned and by no means brilliant man but he is trustworthy and what matters most of all he is straightforward give him my greetings and describe the circumstances of the case and since I owe him seven rubles over our last game of cards take the opportunity to pay him the money that will soften the stern old man in any case his advice may serve as a guide for us and meanwhile take Elena Ivanovna home calm yourself my dear he continued addressing her I am weary of these outcries and feminine squabblings and should like a nap it's soft and warm in here although I have hardly had time to look around in this unexpected haven look around why is it light in there cried Elena Ivanovna in a tone of relief I am surrounded by impenetrable night answered the poor captive but I can feel and so to speak have a look around with my hands goodbye set your mind at rest and don't deny yourself recreation and diversion till tomorrow and you Semyon Semyonich come to me in the evening and as you are absent minded and may forget it tie a knot in your handkerchief I confess I was glad to get away for I was overtired and somewhat bored hastening to offer my arm to the disconsulate Elena Ivanovna whose charms were only enhanced by her agitation I hurriedly led her out of the crocodile room the charge will be another quarto ruble in the evening the proprietor called after us oh dear how greedy they are said Elena Ivanovna looking at herself in every mirror on the walls of the arcade and evidently aware that she was looking prettier than usual the principles of economics I answered with some emotion proud that passersby should see the lady on my arm the principles of economics she drawled in a touching little voice I did not in the least understand what Ivan Matveitch said about those horrid economics just now I will explain to you I answered and began at once telling her of the beneficial effects of the introduction of foreign capital into our country upon which I had read an article in the Petersburg news and the voice that morning how strange it is she interrupted after listening for some time but do leave off you horrid man what nonsense you are talking tell me do I look purple you look perfect and not purple I observed seizing the opportunity to pay her a compliment naughty man she said complacently poor Ivan Matveitch she added a minute later putting her little head on one side called Ketishly I am really sorry for him oh dear she cried suddenly how is he going to have his dinner and and what will he do if he wants anything an unforeseen question I answered perplexed in my turn to tell the truth that had not entered my head so much more practical are women than we men in the solution of the problems of daily life poor dear how could he have got into such a mess nothing to amuse him and in the dark how vexing it is that I have no photograph of him and so now I am a sort of widow she added with a seductive smile evidently interested in her new position I am sorry for him though it was in short the expression of the very natural and intelligible grief of a young and interesting wife for the loss of her husband I took her home at last soothed her and after dining with her and drinking a cup of aromatic coffee set off at six o'clock to Timothy Semyonich calculating that at that hour all married people of settled habits would be sitting or lying down at home having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the incident recorded I intend to proceed in a language more natural though less elevated and I beg to forewarn the reader of the fact end of part one of Theodore Dostoevsky's The Crocodile recording by john van stan savannah georgia