 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives our clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. Welcome back to part two of Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes, practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life. We're going to continue focusing on strengths, needs, attitudes, preferences and temperament in this section. We're going to start now moving into the temperament though and figuring out how temperament or some people call it personality impacts every aspect of your life and explore how knowing your temperament and that of other people can help you reduce your stress. And I'll give you some examples because my children's temperaments are somewhat different from mine and somewhat similar. So we'll talk about how knowing the way they function helps us move forward a little bit faster and helps me kind of create win-win situations. Your temperament or personality impacts your strengths, needs, attitudes and preferences. It's comprised of four dimensions and I generally characterize these in the following way. The first dimension talks about the type of environment that you prefer and where you get your energy. The second dimension talks about how you conceptualize things, whether you're kind of broad strokes and big picture or you're detail oriented. The third aspect refers to where you find motivation and meaning. Is it based on facts and black and white sort of things or is it based on doing what makes the most people happy and content? And the final temperament dimension is based on time management and structure. Some people prefer to be really spontaneous. Others like myself really prefer to have very detailed date books and we like schedules. The overarching concept is that temperament is on a continuum. You're not probably going to be all one, extremely one or extremely the other. Now this may or may not be true for one or two dimensions but you're not going to be pure in virtually any of them. So understanding that this is just kind of a general way of looking at things and everybody's on a continuum. One end of the continuum like being spontaneous is no worse than the other end of the continuum such as being extremely structured. But understanding how that impacts your life, your recovery and your relationships is really important because if you're super structured and in a relationship with somebody who's super spontaneous, spontaneous person may get bored really easily, structured person may get really frustrated at the spontaneous person's desire for, you know, just getting up and doing something on a whim. We'll talk about how to kind of try to make that work together. So the first dimension, extroverts, they tend to be expansive and less passionate. They're all over the place. They're really interested in a lot of things. They're easy to get to know, like meeting new people, figure things out while they talk. Remember I talked about active learners in the last section. A lot of times extroverts want to talk things out and even if they don't have somebody to talk to, they may talk things out to themselves and that's okay. It's knowing how you process things best. They often enjoy background noise. They don't like it to be too quiet. It can be instrumental. It doesn't have to be television, but they enjoy having some sort of stimulation, some sort of sensory input. They are more aware of what's going on around them than inside them, which can be kind of a hiccup in recovery, but also in relationships. If they're more attuned to what the other person wants or needs and not paying attention to what they want or need, it can cause problems in the long run. They often don't mind interruptions, which is great if you're a parent because kids like to interrupt, which gives them a little bit of flexibility in certain situations where an introvert might not have that. And they're often considered good talkers because they like meeting new people and talking things out. So extroverts tend to be very jovial. You might think of them as more social butterflies. Introverts on the other hand are intense and passionate. They're the person who latches on to something and they want to know everything there is to know about whatever that topic is. They may not know about 50 different things. They may only know about five. But those five things they know a lot about, I won't say everything, but a lot. They can be difficult to get to know because they tend to be intense and passionate and very involved and aware of what's going on inside them and less aware of what's going on around them. So they might not notice other people wanting to befriend them, wanting to engage in some sort of social dynamic with them. They have to exert effort to meet new people. And I want to make it clear here that introverts are not anti-social at all. They, the energy that comes from another person and the energy that's required to get out of their own skin and figure out what's going on with another person is exhausting for somebody who's an introvert. So it can be exhausting for them, which is why they prefer smaller groups. They like to figure things out before they talk. They've got a problem, they may go on a walk, they may take some quiet time, they may take a bath and think it over and then find somebody and go, okay, here's what's going on. So if the introvert and extrovert are in a relationship and the extrovert sees something going on, like, hey, what's going on with you? The introvert may be like nothing, you know, don't worry about it. I'll tell you about it later. The extrovert wants to know now. They want to help solve it. They want to talk it out because that's how they solve problems. The introvert, on the other hand, just needs some time to get their thoughts together and then they will share it. Introverts often prefer peace and quiet because, again, processing external stimuli, whether it's music or television or anything else, can be draining on that person. Like I said, they're more likely to know what's going on inside them. They're aware of their curiosities, they're aware of their tired, they're aware of a lot of stuff. They may not be aware of the impact they're having on people around them. They do dislike being interrupted, though. So you'll find that people who are introverts tend to prefer to be in jobs where they can focus, accountants, scientists, those sorts of things. Yeah, you may find some people who are in medical professions where they have periods where they talk and then somebody else talks, but it's not where they're going to be in the middle of doing something and then all of a sudden have to switch gears. Most introverts don't do well in things like sales or law enforcement. They can, but it's a lot more stressful to them. They are often good listeners, however. So introverts are people that you want to have kind of around when you need to bounce something off of them. So extroverts and introverts are awesome and you'll see this with every temperament because they balance each other out. They're like yin and yang. You put them together, it forms a nice, balanced whole. And it's a matter of figuring out the temperament and style of the significant others in your life and how you balance them and how you mesh with them to figure out how you create a cohesive relationship. So quick questions. You're not going to have them probably. Go take a temperament sorter or some sort of inventory to figure out their temperament. So ask yourself, does the person prefer to think then talk, which would mean they're probably more introverted or talk while they're thinking. I talk while I'm thinking. Somebody will accuse me of being an introvert for the most part and does the person prefer quiet and hate interruptions or love being around others and prefer activity. And I'm the same way where I like being around others. I like having the stimulation and the energy from other people. Does the person enjoy larger groups or prefer smaller groups, you know, two to eight people, maybe a couple couples going out to dinner is probably the max. Think about what they prefer, for example, to celebrate their birthday. Do they want to go to a concert or do they want to go to a quiet dinner for two? One is not better or worse than the other. It's just different. So understanding what that means is important. And is the person a better listener or a better talker? Now extroverts can be very good empathetic friends. It's not to say that they aren't. The introvert tends to listen and reflect before they say anything while the extrovert may engage in more of an interactive discussion. Extroverts and introverts are terms generally used to describe the types of social interactions they prefer. So for example, as I told you, I'm an extrovert. I love being around people. I love the energy I draw. I prefer to work out at the gym as opposed to in my own basement because I draw energy from other people. I like having a lot of friends and knowing a lot of people. My daughter, on the other hand, it's exhausting for her to be in situations where there's a lot of activity and a lot of people and a lot of stuff going on. She's working as a camp counselor this week. And she came home yesterday from camp and was just totally exhausted. She actually seemed to get her energy back, though, as the evening went on and she had some quiet time to recharge. The types of environments that they prefer are obviously one that's more quiet or one that's more stimulating, where they derive their energy. Extroverts derive their energy from other people. They go into a meeting and they get a lot of energy and ideas and creative juices from being around other people. I guess on the other hand, find that they feel more energetic and more grounded and more focused if they have downtime. When I was working at the treatment facility, we had 84 people in residence. And there were eight people to a room. There was not such a thing as quiet downtime in the facility. So for people who were introverts, we needed to find places on the campus where they could go and have downtime and be safe because they had to be under supervision. And extroverts and introverts solve problems differently. So remembering that just because your introverted partner may not come and just dump out everything that happened that day the minute they get home, it doesn't mean that they don't care or they don't think you care. It may mean they need time to kind of compile all their thoughts and then they'll share it with you. Extroverts often have many friends enjoy large groups and energized situations. They're very able to handle interruptions and think while they speak. So they are really good at sales. They're really good at performing, really good at teaching. Anything where they can be around a fair number of people. Introverts tend to have a few close friends prefer smaller focused groups in quiet environments with few interruptions and prefer to think then speak. If you're dealing with introverts, if you're a therapist and you're dealing with introverts in group, don't call on that person, especially if they're a reflective learner, which most introverts tend to be. Every time there's a question, they need to have time to take in the information that they heard in group, preferably during a short break and then come back and say, these are my observations. Extroverts and introverts together, extroverts need social interaction. They are going to be very, very unhappy if they feel like they don't have friends and social outlets where they can go get energy, feel recharged. It's not that they need to go to those interactions for validation, but stimulation. So they're not trying to find another best friend or another significant other. They're not trying to be rejecting of the introvert. They just need to have input from more people and they need to have the energy from different environments, whereas the introvert would find that extremely off-putting. So extroverts can get their social needs met through going to maybe recovery meetings or volunteer group meetings, retreats, participating in different types of community activities like fun runs, where they all share a same purpose and they can get excited and energized and bond over something. Extroverts also need someone to bounce thoughts off of. Who tends to be a good listener, which is why extroverts and introverts go so well together? Now it's not that the extrovert can't solve their own problems. They're very good at it. But they think while they talk and they process and move on. So it's helpful to have another living, breathing human being in the room to occasionally stop and paraphrase or provide some input. Extroverts are more aware of what's going on with those around them and may pick up on relapse warning signs in other people. And as I always say, this can be depression, anxiety, anger, or just not taking care of yourself. So extroverts may point that out. Introverts need to be careful not to take that too personally. Hear it, check it. If it's useful, keep it. If they seem to be off base, let it go. Generally they're not trying to be harmful or critical or anything like that. They're actually trying to be helpful. Introverts may choose to encourage the extrovert to engage in social activities independently. Whereas extroverts need to make sure introverts have downtime. They've got time where they can just be quiet and not take it personally if the introvert is quiet or sitting out on the porch by themselves. It's not a rejection. It's just how they process. Introverts may need to address abandonment and self-esteem issues in relationships with extroverts for the aforementioned reasons. Because the extroverts are not going to be content just engaging in that one-on-one relationship with their significant other every day. They need to have social stimulation. They may choose to bring along the introvert, but if they realize that it's unpleasant or uncomfortable for the introvert, they may say, you know, I'm going to go out. You don't have to come if you don't want to. It's not a slight. It's the extrovert trying to be respectful of what's draining to the introvert. Introverts may be less aware of how their presence impacts others, which can be a hurdle in relationships. So if you have an introvert that is mauling something over, really distracted by something, especially in a relationship with an extrovert who wants to know what's going on, help you solve it, let's talk about it. That's not how the introvert processes things. So the extrovert needs to be able to know that when the introvert's ready, they'll come over and discuss it. In a relationship, you may set guidelines and, you know, protocols, if you will. That's my judging personality. I really like structure. Anyhow, if one partner is an extrovert and wants to know and be in the loop and help the introverted partner, maybe having a time where you know that the introvert is going to be able to come home, have 30 minutes or an hour to kind of get their thoughts together and decompress, and then they'll share their day or they will share what they're thinking about at a certain time will help the extrovert feel like they're kept in the loop and help the introvert avoid feeling pressured when they've got to figure something out. In recovery, extroverts thrive and support group meetings. They draw energy from being around those other people and need the stimulation of discussing recovery and life in general, because that keeps it in the forefront of their mind. They may notice someone else's relapse warning signs but miss their own. So extroverts need to focus on mindfulness and active reflection. You know, constantly checking in with themselves and going, where am I at, how am I feeling, what are my motivations. Extroverts need to understand how their introvert partner gets grounded and what their recovery program or wellness program looks like. I see a lot of conflicts arise when there are two people who are in substance abuse recovery and one person is very, very 12-step oriented, loves going to meetings, gets a lot out of them and the other partner not so much. And a lot of times it can turn into criticism that the introverted partner not getting anything out of the meetings is not in recovery or is on a relapse slide. Many times that's not true. Many times what we need to do is look at are you getting the same benefits? Are you getting refocused? The introvert may take time to write in a journal or meditate or reflect in order to get grounded and review their relapse prevention goals and do that by themselves or in a small group like a big book study or a Bible study or something that is meaningful to their recovery. So just because they don't enjoy or benefit from large group meetings doesn't necessarily mean that they're in the process of relapse. It may mean that their program is a little bit different. And the same thing is true for any sort of health and wellness behaviors. Not everybody enjoys a crowd. Introverts often prefer small groups like big book or Bible studies and need that quiet time to get grounded and focus. They prefer to ponder recovery and life independently then discuss it. So introverts can use workbooks, journals, meditation. There are a lot of different things that introverts can use to stay mindful and keep working their program that doesn't involve going to a large sort of impersonal group. Introverts may notice relapse warning signs but not feel comfortable in traditional recovery environments. So it's important for them to be able to reach out to or find places that they can go when they feel like they're struggling with their depression, their anxiety, their cravings that meets their needs, whether it's an online meeting or a small big book study or a support group at a church or whatever it is that works for them. If you like this podcast, you can subscribe on your favorite podcast app. Join our Facebook group at docsknives.com slash Facebook or join our community at docsknives.com. Thanks for tuning in to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. Our mission is to make practical tools for living the happiest life, affordable and accessible to everyone. 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