 Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Marriage Restoration Project video channel. I'm Rifka Slatkin. And I'm Shlomo Slatkin. Today, we want to talk to you about if you got caught cheating, kind of like got milk. That's what I thought of when someone suggested that title. It's not really very funny, but we're going to attempt to make the topic of cheating humorous and informative for you so you can know what to do if you did get caught cheating. If you do need to know what to do to repair your relationship and kind of what happened and so that it won't happen again. Yeah. So it's, you know, there's different ways of addressing cheating. And if you get caught cheating, it's it can be a little bit different because it kind of implies that you're continuing. You were still doing it. It wasn't like sometimes people do it and they stop and they admit that they did it and they feel bad. They want to repair the relationship. Here it is. You got kind of got caught red handed. And then the decision is what are you going to do? Are you going to, are you going to change your ways or are you going to try to stay with this other person? You know, what do you do? But if you're looking for this online, you probably want to know what to do to repair your relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't have an interest in, in, in searching for this topic. But let's, let's first explore what is infidelity because, you know, people think maybe that in the traditional sense of infidelity, that there's an extramarital affair where there's physical contact. But we know that infidelity is more than just that. There are various forms of infidelity. And again, the word infidelity, I believe it's Latin, it means, fidelity means faith, faithful. Are you faithful or infidelity is unfaithful. So the idea is that the person is, has committed an infidelity. They have been unfaithful to the relationship. So what does that mean? What are, you know, your wedding vows? What did you pledge to do when you first got, got married? So some things are kind of go without that question, but it's about like, you committed to this person, you committed to being loyal to this person, exclusive to this person. And when you start having any type of relationship with someone else, whether it's physical or emotional, it can become infidelity. So you mean it's not just if somebody cheats physically outside the marriage. Right. So even if you have like an emotional affair with a co-worker that you kind of like You've been texting or texting or going out to lunch with them, that could still be considered infidelity. And, and it does the, again, it can do, it can do the same amount of damage as a physical affair because the idea is that you, it's a breach of trust, that there's an understanding that you had with your spouse or even an unspoken understanding about what the relationship was, was going to look like that, I don't say the rules of the rules of the game. And you violated that by having somebody else, you know, instead of having only eyes for you or you had eyes for somebody else. And I think we probably see a lot that you'll realize with this episode that happened to you is you'll realize all of a sudden like, oh, well, maybe we have different definitions of what fidelity really is. Because you kind of said, Shlomo, that these are unspoken rules. Maybe the couple really never had a chance to define what it means to be faithful and to have fidelity in a relationship. But after this, you might be realizing your spouse has a completely different definition of what does being faithful mean. And this affair will bring it out. Yeah. I mean, nowadays people, people have kind of pushed, pushed the line to, to include a lot of different things that might, they might think that it's okay. But we're talking, you know, kind of a traditional sense of, you know, what we think is, what is an affair, what's not an affair. So here's such a thing as an emotional affair. So you could be having a relationship with somebody. You could really be into someone. You're focused. You're thinking about somebody. You have that romantic feelings towards that other person. You know, that would still be, that still could have the same results, whether you, you know, again, it could be semantics. But the point is it has the same results as that. Your spouse feels that you, you're going behind your back. You had this secret relationship that you were keeping from them. And they caught you. And the question is, now that the trust is broken, where do you go from here? Yeah. And I think I've heard you say, Shalama, that most people don't plan to cheat or most people don't plan to have an affair, right? So sometimes it just kind of creeps up on you because maybe you weren't so happy to begin with in the relationship. So then somebody looks at you or compliments you at work or going out. And all of a sudden it feels really good, right? It feels good to be noticed. It feels good to be appreciated. So affairs and infidelity can kind of creep up on a person. And it's important to know that, that we know you didn't wake up one morning to decide I'm going to cheat today. I'm going to have an affair today, right? Right. So it's a gradual process. It's not an excuse. So you can't say, oh, well, my spouse didn't compliment me or pay enough attention to me. So therefore, you know, it was coming to them, you know, you made a choice and you need to deal with the results of your choice. Now there is a context to understanding kind of what led up to it. And sometimes it's not even something that your spouse did. It might be, you know, everybody has their own bag. They should bring to their relationship and they might be taking certain things that their spouse does or not do in a certain way and then that led them to do what they did. So it's not even that your spouse didn't pay attention to you and therefore you did it. It's, you know, whatever they triggered in you that kind of led you to do what you did. But the point is there's no excuse for it. There is a context. And when we talk about a fair repair, it's important to understand how you got there because if you want to, a fair proof of your relationship moving forward, you must deal with the source of it. And the good news is that couples that work through this can make the relationship better than ever was before. So if you don't do anything, the odds of the relationship lasting are slim. But if you do the work that needs to be done and you're committed, then you can definitely not only repair, but you can actually make a better relationship than ever. So let's talk about how the couple can go about repairing the relationship. And we're really talking to you, the cheater, to start for starters, because you as the person that caused the breach of trust, you are going to have to work extra hard to earn the trust back of your partner. Right? And sometimes that means really groveling before your partner. And you might feel like, why do I have to do that? But you know what? You made the choice to betray their trust and they need, they're insecure and you need to show them that you're all in. Because let's, I've had situations with couples where, okay, the guy or woman got caught and they just decided, they're coming for therapy, they're going to work on it. But the person who cheated is not making any extra effort. They're not looking like, I'm really, oh, I'm so sorry. I really want to interest them. Let's do stuff together. It's like, they're just kind of like they were before. So the person who is the victim wonders, well, are you still having an affair? Are you planning to leave me or are you just stringing me along? They don't really have the confidence that you actually want to make their relationship. Whereas in a case where the person who had the affair is apologetic, they're so sorry, what can I do? I want this relationship, they're fighting for it. It helps rebuild the trust and the confidence that, okay, you really want to be with me and I can trust you. Yeah, so if you're thinking like, why doesn't my partner just get over it already? I apologize several times. That may not be enough. You might have to take these extra steps that Shlomo's talking about to really grovel and show remorse, real remorse, that you're not going to do it ever again. Yeah, and it's going to take time. And especially if you just got caught, there's the initial shock stage and it's going to be really difficult. And there's going to be a lot of raw, depending on your spouse, it could be a lot of raw emotion and you're going to have to kind of suck it up and really just be strong and if you want the relationship to allow that to come out and be dealt with. And then as time goes on and as you work on the relationship, improve the relationship, your spouse feels different. They can trust you. Then it gets better and it's not as bad as it is in the beginning. But in the beginning, it could be very difficult. So it's important to know that going into it. So would you say the first steps, Shlomo, is transparency? Yeah, well, first of all, I mean, the first step ideally is if you really want to save the relationship, you end the affair. If you're still cheating, it's going to be hard for your spouse to really take you back in and to really feel like you're committed. So that would be step number one is end the affair. End the affair. After you end the affair, then, you know, apologizing, remorse, admitting what you did wrong. We have an amends process where we actually have a couple of them and they say, you know, they've said sorry a million times, but when they actually process it in this dialogue format, it's really helpful to really feel that, to begin the process of healing. Also by making amends, asking for forgiveness. And then also some people want to know what happened. Some people want to know every gory detail. Some people don't. But to be able to answer this question, that shows the sense of transparency because it's like, okay, I have nothing to hide. I'm going to tell you everything. And then going forward, how do you show your spouse that you're going to be transparent? Because they're going to have that thought, I mean, it could be forever. They're going to always have that question if you're not home and didn't call them like, you know, what are you up to? But especially in the beginning, that's where their mind's going to wander. So what you're going to want to do is find ways to be more transparent. So it means going out of your way to show, like, let's say if you're going to be late or letting your spouse know that you're going to be late, it might mean letting them have access to all of your passwords. That sometimes is very reassuring because, okay, I know that you have nothing to hide because I have access. You're following your Facebook and your email and I know that there's nothing you can do secretly. Then finally also working on the relationship in general. Once we've gotten past the affair, meaning talked about it, been transparent about it, worked on the, or making amends, worked on healing that, we also have to work on the relationship in general. What happened? What was going on in the relationship that led you to even be able to do this? And that's kind of where both people come in, what can both people do to improve the relationship, meet each other's needs. And if the energy is here in the relationship and your needs are being met in the relationship, there's no need to go elsewhere. And we'll create another video on how you can affair-proof your relationship to talk about the positive steps you can take to really keep that energy between the two of you instead of leaking outside to other people, like she's almost talking about. We'll talk about real ways that you can make the relationship satisfying in a future video. But for now, we really wanted you to know that to get over an affair and to deal with the cheating episode, you have to express remorse, end the affair, be transparent and work on the details until your partner really feels closure and really feels satisfied that he or she can trust you again. Yeah, especially because you got caught, because it's not like it's bad enough if you would have told them, you know, it was already over happened a year ago, but if you got caught, then they might think, well, you're just ending it because I caught you, otherwise you wouldn't, you would have just gone on with it. So it really, like, unfortunately for you in this situation, you're gonna have to kind of go even to that and disagree. Right, if you have to grovel. And we do have a resource for you that might be helpful in our Etsy shop. I can put the links in the comments, but our Etsy shop is called Marriage Worksheets and we have a fair rebuilding trust worksheet bundle so you can really go together and work on the details and get the clarity and the closure that you both need for the affair. So thank you for watching this video. Please hit the like button and the notification subscribe button so you get notified the next time we drop a video and we really appreciate you watching. Take care, have a great day, thank you.