Has your rent recently gone up again? Did your street turn into a parking lot for black limos and pricey four by fours? Is your street affected by GENTRIFICATION? Well, then I have something here for you - the original Deval Kit. Yes, the Devaluation kit!
Sounds exciting. What's that, when it's at home ??
Make your street look like a dump - and ruin the image of your neighbourhood - in no time at all!
And soon the "Broken Windows Effect" sets in.
That's one of them new theories from the States, Innit ?
The loaded move out, flats are hard to let, prices fall through the floor and crash rock bottom.
Come off it! With the Deval Kit I can lower the rent myself? That's brilliant!
The Devaluation kit comes from scientific research and development..
Scientific R & D? What else.
It shouldn't have slipped your attention. In low budget areas house fronts are spoiled with satellite dishes.
In the posh ways you don't see anything like it.
Now that you mention... - what a striking difference.
Take advantage of that effect and stick a satellite dish to your house front.
I might as well use two or three of them dishes?
Rule of thumb : Grand number of dishes leads to grand deterrence.
The common vest also known as wife beater has an evil reputation.
Oh yes, my boyfriend is wearing those all the time.
You may hang the vest out the window to dry, that's fine.
Even better: bang a laundry rack flush to your balcony.
Simply to the railing.
...and cram it full with wife beaters and old rag. Leave it there. For two weeks in a row, prefereably....
That gives the creeps to each and every property baron.
What better for the broken windows effect than smashed windows ?
Very well then!...
Just knock up the Broken-Windows-Effect-Sticky-Foil - and glue it to your window!
Awright. Sounds nifty!
Nothing better for a daunting air of misery and decay. That's good. Keeps the real estate investors at bay.
Blinding. A dream. Just great.
It looks ghetto rigged. Someone in the US told me so. I believe it was a student at Carnegie Mellon University in Pennsylvania.
You're truly a man of the world.
Exactly. That's the look you should try to achieve. Banged on. Messed up. A butcher's job. No professional repair.
Add fake repairs to your railings. Cello tape. Barbed wire makes it look like a war zone.
Let's say: add some cello tape to the drain pipe.
Be aware: too much creativity does no good. Rents go up where the creatives are.
Awright ! Ad agents and them idiots.
Yaaar. You know that from Wilhelmsburg. Some bloke walking about with dreadlocks and rents go up one quid per square.
Saint Paulis public housing society S A G A rents out flats almost exclusively to people with german surnames.
People of non german extraction are the most unlikely candidates for flats. May they possess a german passport or
Many families are stuck in flats too small, unless they are ready to leave Saint Pauli for the city's outer edges.
S A G A seems to assume that foreign sounding names in the neighborhood have a detrimental influence on revenenues from rent.
What the bleedn hell ...
Reverse the effect to your advantage, and add foreign names to your doorbell - or to your neighbour's buzzer!
Make your flat look like a half bob shop.
Even better: like a failed news agent's. Nothing better to wreck your
neighbourhood's reputation than a half bobshop. Not even a riot.
That's brilliant, mate.
Badly embarrassing the deployment of LIDL plastic bags.
Cram em full and hang em out your window. Your neighbours then have a difficult time to guess: did you pay your electricity bill or can't you afford a new fridge.
Once you buy something pricey, cover the Gucci bag with the LIDL bin liner.
Great stuff mate.
The deval kit pulls down prices to zero level. The loaded leave the borrough and retreat to their homelands in the suburbs.
Posh eating parlours drop their prices. In no time a larger less expensive flat will be yours.
And your bank account will show a whopping surplus very soon.
And I have more money in my wallet.
In a nutshell: after the revolution we can afford good taste again - up to that point we lower our rent ourselves and at the end of the year I can afford an extra crate of champagne or two.
Get the Deval kit: download it on www.esregnetkaviar.de