 Dedication, Introduction, and Preface From Christopher Cricket on Cats with Observations and Deductions for the Enlightenment of the Human Race From Infancy to Maturity and even Old Age This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Christopher Cricket on Cats with Observations and Deductions for the Enlightenment of the Human Race From Infancy to Maturity and even Old Age By Anthony Henderson, you were Dedication To all the cats that ever meowed on this or any sphere From the beginning of all time, unto this present year To all the cats that still to come and to all those that lives and to their ghosts Each counten nine and to their relatives And to each one who like some sort of cats, no matter what I dedicate this little book with kind and loving thought And especially to Samuel T. Shaw Introduction Well, Pussy, as I stroke thy fur and smooth its silk and thicket I hear above thy placid purr the chirping of a cricket Ah, I suspect that subtle bug when winter skies are drabby As crawled beneath the hard stone rug to keep a tab on tabby May Pusser poet seldom thrice unkicked by rumours scandal How can a cat lead nine pure lives without breath of scandal Eight lives a cat might lead at home as blameless as St. Georgie's Yet in its night-carnation roam to witches' midnight orgies A cat of cultivated throat has repertoire's that vary Yet in the shrillness of his note he rivals the canary A cat concerto highly strung with penetrating spirit Is like some songs I too have sung, I'd rather sing than hear it So here are Master Cricket's views on cats I place reliance in what he says, though half the news he tells may startle science But should harsh critics speak of fakes, with one reply I'm ready One touch of nature faker makes the whole world kin, says Teddy Wallace Irvin Preface And bringing this work before the public It's a good thing to know that most everything here is pretty true All set some of the things Uncle Ben's helped on And if readers is ever awful doubtful in these places Guess they'd better use their own judgments Everything learned here has been the fruits of unwritten Observation, lots of asking, and a terrible lot of thinking Of course everybody knows how hard it is to find out anything And that's why this book should be of special value to students of wisdom Like Columbus, Moonshousen, Darwin, and Thompson Seaton The writer has traveled some but written lots more Loving nature like the very Dickens since his tenderest infancy Add respect and kindness for the gentle reader Scientific appellations Attenuated phraseology And very long words from foreign obsolete And barbarious languages Has been mostly expurgated Meaning to cut out, though some still remains Which if people don't understand, take the writer's fault People that's omnivorous readers Hadn't ought to read more than about just one part of the time Than think pretty hard for a long while about what they've been learning This is so they won't get mental derangement And builds up the brain cavities fine Of course everybody won't agree, maybe with all the writer's views and things Just like with other great writers That's why great writers have different views anyhow As it's not good manners to talk about yourself The reader will describe that these sentences Has been written in the third person And would have been written in the fourth If other pursuits hadn't stopped his pursuant The advanced stages of grammar It's hoped that all will get what they're looking for And lots more End of dedication, introduction, and preface Cats and Humans All the Same By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibreVox.org By Anita Sloma Martinez Cats and Humans All the Same Of all the beasts that live We must, I guess, call cats the humanist For just like folks you'll find that these Has no end to their qualities For some is fat and some is lean Some very dirty and some clean Some's always licking at their fur And some's not so particular Some cats take just fresh milk and meat Some takes all that they're gave to eat Some cats they cough and some they wheeze And some's afflicted by disease Some cats is blind and stone deaf some But ain't no cat was ever dumb Some cats will monkey round and fool And play for hours with just a spool While some just sit and blink their eyes And prefer to philosophize Some cats likes most folks pretty fine But some takes care to draw the line Some comes and rubs against you which Means will you scratch them where they itch While others is so mean all through They like lots better scratching you And so you see the marvelous Wapey lines does resemble us And humans all the same just sort of Different in the name End of poem, this recording is in the public domain The Cat by Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org by Mike Overby Midland Washington The cat's a four-legged quadruped Not countin' in his tail The Mrs is the Tabbycat And Thomas is the male The cat it is carnivorous although to milk and clinen It makes a hump out of its back And whiskers it looks fine in No home should be without the cat Especially where there's mouses It never goes away the cat But stays just where the house is End of poem, this recording is in the public domain Quantity of Legs by Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org by Aline Quantity of Legs As stated in the foregone poem The cat's a four-legged quadruped No cat has five legs If they have, taint a quadruped cat Tripod cats is made by cutting off one leg Different breeds Cats are different breeds according to their dispositions Cats that's made for little boys and girls To mall and tees is called Maltese cats Some cats is known by their queer purrs These is called Persian cats Though most cats is kind unless molested some ain't Cats with very bad tempers is called angry cats Sometimes a very fine cat is called a magnificat In tropic lands the cat is called a purple catapult Cats with deep feelings is called feline cats Differences from other things Cats is different from horses because they have kittens Uses of cats Sometimes cats has saved the entire lives of infants By not loaning them to swallow their fur and tickling them to death Cats has been known to save hundreds of dollars worth of things From being robbed by letting burglars stumble over them in the dark And awaken up the household Principle diseases The principle diseases of cats is cataracts Catara, catagoria, catawalls, catapillars, cataba, and catalypsy Some cats is great leapers and when very joyous Jump themselves all round through the adjacent atmosphere This is called catalypsy And gets to be a disease which they throw themselves into Anytime they think of something very funny Purrins like pulse is with health And indicates the state of happiness of the purrra Just plain purrn means they've got no particular objections to anything Long as they're allowed to purr But more than 60 purrs a minute indicates their pleasure is rousing And that catalypsy is coming on if they're not sad and sufficient in time Sometimes catalypsy is just an emittment in spells But sometimes Uncle Ben says it has been known to last for days Touching the ground only at rare intervals And that often nothing was left of the victim But a few dying purrs and some fur From purrn meaning to indicate He says we derive the expression How much purr The principal product of cats is cat's eyes Cat tails Catacombs Catamarans Catagaries Catapulse Catnip And catars End of section This recording is in the public domain A poem by Anthony Henderson Heuer Read for LibriVox.org by Aline From lovely audiobooks.info Catalyptics these are Travelling to the moon See how big the trees are from the big balloon Two chaps they get scary just as they've begun Anchor drops most very quiet here in one With a sudden pull Old balloon comes taut Captain Michael Mulan says the blame things caught Someone brave and tried We'll need to see us through Captain Michael's cried up here in number two Supposing we slide down and do the best we can Take a look around and then report again Set the Freddy's while the rest all breathlessly Sat and watched them pile out here in number three Soon they found the anchor in a treetop's hide Started in to yank her all their bloom and might Bad one this is loose I go back there no more Watch me just removes He says in number four While the words he's uttering Woof, quiff, kwee Whole shebang goes sputtering Goodbye, Mr. Tree Gosh, but that was quick But now to keep alive Guess we'd better stick He says in number five Now as brave old heroes Back again they're getting Rest don't know how near those heroes came to quitten If though they'd their freedom with their funny tricks Guess you'd never see them here in number six End of poem This recording is in the public domain Special peculiarities By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org Cats talk to each other by moon From whence they get the word Communicat As cats have nine lives They have to be killed many times Before they're seriously dead Killing cats is considered unlucky Especially by cats There was a special kind of cat Having nine long tails Each tail being connected With one of its lives inside And this cat He was called a cat of nine tails These cats was used just for licking transgresses The cat being taken by their necks According to Uncle Ben And swung through the surrounding ozone Till the tails stopped at whatever portion Of the transgressa was to be licked Of course each tail that wore out Was one less life for the cat And if the neck wore out first Then the whole cat was one less So that soon there wasn't enough cats With enough tails or necks to go around All the transgresses And this special species soon became extinct Of course transgressors Didn't blame the cats so much They wouldn't have made any difference If they had I guess though If the transgressors hadn't transgressed And the cats had bit off their extra tails When they was kittens They might have all lived happy lives End of section six This recording is in the public domain Music's Debt to Cats By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org By Kim Joyce Cats is very musical They're filled with violin strings Which is coiled up like clock springs And which is worked like wind instruments By blowing through them with their livers Cats is very emotional And when agitated can run through The whole gimlet of catalined passions Both joyous, loving, and remorseful Cats is very romantic And can pose many beautiful serenades While singing without ever thinking Them up at all Many cats like to get on backyard Fences and walls And what's called nocturnes So that when something knocks them They can turn quick to the other side That's why they always sing them on walls and fences Because there's always the other side Which is very useful for turnin' purposes When there's no tellin' which side things are coming from When cats are knocked during the pursuit Of musical labours It is called a catastrophe Some people haven't any ear For cat music at all Much prefer in silence And insomnia Then there's somnambulists But they're much worse Haven't been known to eject bottles, bricks, and shoes With murderous intent Not even waitin' till the musical numbers was finished Uncle Ben says that when he was a boy Somnambulists always used bootjacks Which went straight as a gun and never missed And that the two richest men in his town Was the cat doctor and the bootjack man End of section This recording is in the public domain A Rain in Cats and Dogs By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibreVox.org By Anita Sloma Martinez A Rain in Cats and Dogs Oh Uncle Ben, he says that he has sometimes seen it rain In mighty torrents from the sky With all its might and mane And God's still worse till he says That through the mists and fogs It came on down till all at once T'was rainin' cats and dogs But they was only ghosts, I guess For when the storm was done He looked around to take some home And couldn't find a one End of poem This recording is in the public domain When a cat has gone and died By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibreVox.org By Trisha G When a cat has gone and died He lays down upon his side Then by ones and twos and threes Spirits ooze out by degrees Then the top one in the air Asks them all if they is there Then they answer to the roll Till just nine make up his soul Then, with a soft wailin' sound I'll start goin' round and round Chantin' while they're hoverin' Some sad and solemn requiem Then float off with direful moan Him left by his self alone End of poem This recording is in the public domain Cat's Aunt History's Page By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibreVox.org By Anita Sloma Martinez Cat's Aunt History's Page The Compass Cat Cat's has wonderful bumps of directions And can tell which way the earth is No matter how far they've been fallin' from Cat's is even better than compasses Cause their hairs is all magnetic poles Which can be heard crackin' By rubbin' the fur with the human hand That's why cats can't never get lost Except when they're grounded Long, long ago Cats was used by the Chinese instead of compasses For steerin' their ships This was done by puttin' the cat On the behind end of the boat And then whichever way the cats pointed their tails They steered the ship Of course sometimes the ship's got wrecked But that wasn't the cat's fault For sometimes the wind would blow their tails Different from the way they had them pointin' Of course when cats do get lost They must always come back But if they ever don't Taint cause they can't But cause they maybe don't want to But I'd never come back if I was Some cat's that lives some places I know But cat's is wonderful good hearted that way And don't seem to mind nothin' Cat's Aunt History's Page Wild Cat's In olden times The witches was furnished with cats And at night time They used to go screeching round through the air With the witches on their backs With great big eyes Like fire in the dark and gee But they must have been terrible big cats To carry the witches Glad I wasn't there And then the witches They used to beat them with the broom switches That they had so that the cats Was just wild to get away So that's what made them wild cats Cat's Aunt History's Page The Sacred Cat Long time ago Way back in Egypt They was awful fond of cats Uncle Ben says they just worshipped them And sometimes cats was found The color of red sacs that they kept coffee in And these was called sacred cats And was specially honored by They buried alive with the dead kings and things Gee, I'd hate to have been a sacred cat Cat's Aunt History's Page The Knights of Malta In Malta Far which is the isle Out in the way that sees A breed of cats was once the style And they was called Maltese Long lean and healthful was they each And they could yell like blazes All through the night from dusk till light In ninety different places But all the people was in jobs When anger's ire was risen So once in all their nightly robes They up and got to biz Some cats was mobbed Some cats was slewn And some fled to the sea Skedaddling out into the moon Far from their loved country And folks that night they swore a oath And some crisscrossed their chests And some there was performed there both In memory of the pests To celebrate that welcome loss They called the crisscross right A Maltese cross to show how cross They was that fearful night The Knights of Malta you've all heard tell of On History's Page Well these was those that once occurred In that catastrophe age End of section This recording is in the public domain Miscellaneous observations and reasons for different things By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org by Kim Joyce Miscellaneous observations Very skinny cats is sometimes said to be cadaverous While cats can yowl for miles The way they walk so noiseless is something marvelous Trancandentalists say this is because their feet Is inhabited by the dead souls of departed beings Opposite views is held by some catropodists Who say that the reason cats walk so quiet Is just because they don't want people to know they're coming And that it's a strange fact That they really do walk as loud as cows and things That the sound is invisible to the human ear Reasons for different things Cats make most noise at night Because in the daytime there's so much else going on That people won't listen to them The reason cats can see fine at night Is their eyes is just like lamps And so they need lots of oil And that's why they eat fishes Because fishes is oily The reason cats can go anywhere at night Is because they eat lots of mouses And mouses can go anywhere at night Except where there's cats Cats don't bark Because they're afraid they might be taken for dogs Which would be very humiliating For cats are very proud of their catalyze And would rather be taken for cats Than most anything else End of section This recording is in the public domain Once there was a bulldog by Anthony Henderson Ewer Once there was a bulldog and a tabby cat Thought they'd lick each other So they had a spat When it was all over Didn't much remain Except a hunk of vertebrae And a squish of brain Like the death of Moses Nothing much is known About the main particulars Except they was alone Which was winning Victor No soul living nose But I guess to leave them Lying and repose Some day when you're passing That their spot you'll see Just some catnip growing By a dogwood tree End of poem This recording is in the public domain Catalyptic By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for Librebox.org Once a catalytic Thinking of a joke Awful violent catalytic stroke Shout him up fruition While he flopped around Guest twist more an hour Before he hit the ground Come down all exhausted In the marsh's damp Wiggling round just like a pretzel With a cramp Gee I never again will think Of jokes like that Just one more I'm sure Would finish this here cat End of poem This recording is in the public domain Why Cats Has Whiskers By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for Librebox.org By Sarah Brown When a cat he starts to go Through a hole somewhere He most always likes to know If there's room to spare Then he reckons how much space Does his whiskers take By just pushing through his face Measurements to make If they have to bend he knows That it means hard luck And the rest of him that goes Surely will get stuck But if they don't bend you see Tells it at a glance Knows it safe as safe can be So he takes the chance Pity people haven't all Whiskers like this chaps If they had they might forestall Many dire mishaps End of poem This recording is in the public domain Kittens By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for Librebox.org By Elin From lovelyaudiobooks.info Kittens A funny thing about kittens Is that though they're descended from cats They begin with a K Scientists have never discovered why this is And I've been too busy to find out just why myself Kittens is just the same as pressed in cats And hens should be fed on condensed milk Kittens is stone blind for nine days After they're born Oculus and Ketnologists Disagree as to whether this is Because they wouldn't understand what things was If they did see him Asking so many questions That no mother living could answer them all At the same time Whereas Uncle Bend thinks It's just to make him glad they're living later By keeping their vision retarded Until they're able to assimilate objects and things He says that kittens always used To put him in mind of wounded soldiers The way they was both born and litters End of section This recording is in the public domain Things some people know And some things they don't By Anthony Henderson Ewer Read for LibriVox.org by Tricia G Oh yes, I almost forgot What is it that walks like a cat And has a tail like a cat And makes a noise like a cat And looks just like a cat But it ain't a cat It's a kitten Uncle Bend's great-grandfather Used to tell him one every once and a while Why is cats like poor surgeons Because they mutilate And destroy patients Then there was another that Uncle Bend Says he was brought up on Why are cats tails like eternity Because they're fur to the end Guess that's all there is To know about cats If there's any more Taint worth knowing Because I've paid particular attention to cats For almost a week And I guess I ought to know End of section This recording is in the public domain End of Christopher Cricket on Cats By Anthony Henderson Ewer