 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, never play it cool with a guy you like. Please don't do this and I'll tell you why in a moment. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and certainly traditional expectations. So all I ask is you give it a little chance. All right, let's talk about why you should never play it cool with a guy. You know, it's interesting, I heard something today that dating has become a competition of who cares the least. I'll repeat that. Dating has become a competition of who cares the least as if showing or expressing emotions is a negative or bad thing. Think about that. Showing emotions is a negative or bad thing. I mean, it's sad to believe that that could possibly be the case. Now, I will say that men who play it cool can seem very sexy and very attractive to women. In fact, most men are taught to play it cool. In other words, not to show their emotions, not to express how they feel about someone because playing it cool actually creates anxiety. I'm gonna repeat that, playing it cool creates anxiety. So I want you to think about this, the guy is playing it cool, you're feeling anxious and what does that make you do? That makes you chase after somebody when you don't feel like they like you as much as you like them, okay? Now, so I want you to think about, or not think about, I want you to lean in and ask how does that feel when you don't know how somebody feels about you? It doesn't feel very good, does it? It doesn't feel very good. Now, I know the book The Rules for the last 20 years has told women to play it cool, play hard to get, be difficult, okay? Be difficult because that creates tension and that tension makes a man want to chase you. Now, here's the thing. For emotionally needy men, they'll chase you but you really wanna be with an emotionally needy man. For a controlling man, he might chase you because he wants to get laid but how really effective is that in the long run? And let me just say this, the dysfunctional men might temporarily make effort for someone who's playing it cool, playing hard to get, being a little bit difficult to read because they have a conquest in mind. In fact, ladies, when you hear incessantly how men are the hunters and that they love the chase, I know you've heard this, that men are hunters and love the chase, what are they hunting? What are they chasing? Do men walk around going, I want a relationship, I want a relationship, I want a relationship? Is that what they're hunting? Or are they hunting the conquest, the sex? Is that what they're hunting? So when you create a dynamic that actually amplifies this from a person who's either emotionally needy or emotionally dysfunctional or worse a controlling man and then after they've hooked you, they've hooked you and now you're attached to this person because you've had sex with them, how really healthy is this relationship is going to turn out? Now I wanna share with you a couple ways women do create this tension that I don't believe is healthy but before I go into that, I wanna address something that was shared with me earlier today. I was with my Pilates instructor and she was telling me how she was talking to a behavioral scientist about how relationships have changed dramatically in the last 50 years predominantly because women are now in the workforce and they are in their masculine energy and because women are in their masculine energy, it confuses men, it creates conflict within men because it wasn't like this 50 or 60 or 70 years ago, women were very much in a different environment, they were very dependent upon men. So men were the leaders of the relationship but I want you to think back 50 or 60 years ago, very misogynistic society, very patriarchal society and what I mean to say, it was very male dominated and control and women actually had to subjugate themselves to a submissive role because men were the providers and if a woman wasn't nice or pleasant to her husband, he could divorce her. I'm not saying that was exactly what happened but my point is women weren't happier 50 or 60 years ago with a very misogynistic society we lived in but yet there's this fantasy of how relationships used to be, how the dating process used to be 50, 60 years ago and quite frankly, there was no dating 50 or 60 years ago, there was no dating. If two people liked each other and they were amped up on chemistry because they used to have to get married before they got laid, the courtship was a nanosecond, it was a few, I know people that got married within three or four weeks of meeting one another. Courtships used to only last two months at best because they wanted to have sex with one another. So I think it's really dangerous to think that the traditional way is some, it's like some fantasy way because there wasn't any dating and that's because dating isn't, today dating isn't about, let me reframe this. Dating shouldn't be about chemistry and romance. Dating should be about, do I share the same values with this person? Does this person's lifestyle blend with mine? And lastly, is this person an emotional grown-up to be in relationship with them? So dating is actually a vetting process to decide if you wanna explore a relationship with someone. And yet the whole narrative is hyper-focused on chemistry and romance, which again, gets you hooked to a person. But sadly, many of you are getting hooked to the wrong person. And if you're playing this hard to get game, then it's gonna create even more tension. I'll share with you a better way to approach it in just a moment. But I wanna address some of these false beliefs, some of these false beliefs. And one of the false, by the way, here's my trusty notes. But one of these false beliefs centered around tension or mystery is, by the way, tension or mystery is being, so many of you are being told to give tension and mystery as an attraction technique, okay? Tension and mystery, okay, again. That might temporarily work to gain attraction with a person. It's certainly when there is tension, when there is mystery, it certainly can create this false belief that you might be attracted to this person. If you're doing it and they're doing it, let me just say this upfront. It temporarily does work. It temporarily works. But how many people have had date after date after date after date after date with different people that played these games and have never went anywhere? And I'll share with you why in a moment. Number two, I see this frequently, is that, well, I'm a big proponent of flirting, of teasing, of creating desire and traction. That's all about leaning in because that feels good. But many of you are being taught to lean back, lean back, okay? Leaning back. Think about that for a moment. Leaning back, creating tension, creating anxiety, creating this idea of space or whatever. I'm not a big proponent about leaning back. I'm all about leaning in, lean into flirting, lean into teasing, lean into desire. Don't lean back as a way to create tension because again, if a guy is controlling, he'll chase you for sex. If he's dysfunctional, he'll chase you temporarily. And if the needy guy is experiencing this, he'll chase you even more because he's needy. And then you feel smothered by that person. Next is the stupid belief that a woman shouldn't tell a man that she likes him. There's this stupid belief that you shouldn't tell a man early on that you like a guy because you have this belief that it's going to backfire, that it's coming across as chasing, that it's coming across as needy. Let me just say this clearly. Telling a man you like him is not chasing a man. Telling a man you like him is not needy. It's not needy. Telling a man you like him isn't going to backfire. Now, it might, it only backfires on the men who are genuinely not interested in you, men who are genuinely interested in you, want to hear that you like them. Men that are genuinely interested in you and emotionally healthy, they want to know that there's a mutual reciprocation. So this idea of playing it cool might temporarily work. Again, the book, the rules temporarily works to engage with dysfunctional men, needy men, and controlling men. Emotionally healthy men are seeking something more substantial. That's why in a moment, I want to share with you more important ways to build trust in a relationship, not important ways, more important, or at least I believe they're important, opportunities to build trust with another human being. So get ready for this right now. So number one, if you're not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages, I don't happen to have it handy, The Five Love Languages. The Five Love Languages are words of affirmation, or for us, Leo's, it's words of adoration, and I say that for myself anyway. Number two, physical touch, quality time, access service and gifts. How we genuinely connect and care about another person is when we're speaking each other's love language, when we can give and receive in each other's love language, that is going to build a stronger bond between the two of you. Number one, when you're actually connecting at your love language environment or experience. Number two, economic agreement. Folks, let me just share with you something. The top two reasons for divorce, one of the top two reasons for divorce, centers around money, centers around money. And by the way, I know you love the idea of men being chivalrous and paying for everything, but we, especially, I want you to think about this, men who have gone through divorce and alimony and child support and splitting of assets and people who have lost their significant jobs. It takes two incomes to make a relationship works, which means it's going to take two incomes to make the dating process work. So to naively be, excuse me, to be naive when it comes to the financial aspects of a relationship is a very naive way to approach the process. And I'm here to offer up some more intentional ways. And economic agreement simply means is talking about the economics of the dating process, not be, not, not, here's the thing. Most relationships suffer because stuff gets, things get stuffed under the rug. It's the pink elephant in the room. And believe it or not, money can be a very pink elephant. And I know many of you ladies operate from a traditional, entitled perspective. You have grand expectations around this. And yet men will tell you, they don't tell you this, but they say privately how much they appreciate the woman who is actually a contributor to the relationship dating process and not the passive participant in the dating process. So I want you to remember economic agreement. Number three, and this is critically important to building the friendship aspect of relationship is to be actively engaged in social activities, hobbies, mutual interests. Those are critically important because that's how friendship is built. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship and I can't do things with them. Guess what? That means you're spending your entire relationship on the telephone and men do not bond through the telephone. Men do not bond through the telephone. We bond through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests. Number four, spending time with family and friends. These are the roots to building trust. These are the roots to building deeper trust in relationship. And this is why playing it cool doesn't work in the long run. And lastly is intimacy. And intimacy isn't just sexual intimacy. It's an emotional intimacy. This is the other reason why people get divorced. This is why I'm a big proponent of everybody reading the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters so you can get more familiar with understanding how to develop intimacy into me you see with another human being. Because these days folks, most of the time we're meeting total strangers. And here's another book I want you to check out, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell, what you should know about the people you don't know. Folks, this fantasy narrative about chemistry and romance. Sure, it feels good when you have chemistry. It feels good to be romance. It feels good, limerence and lust. All these things feel good. But ultimately, what's the demise of relationships? It's a lack of shared values. It's a lack of lifestyles blendable and most importantly, emotional maturity. And if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity chart, I want you to take a look at it real quick. Emotional maturity relationship skills. And by the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion, but roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues, real clinical issues. And while I do state here that 20% are emotionally healthy and have good relationship skills, I'm being generous when I say 20% and the vast majority of people are dysfunctional in their relationship skills. And this is women as well. This isn't just men, this is women as well. This is why I continually recommend approaching the process more intentional. And ladies, you know my rhetoric before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should both be reading the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Because this is a roadmap to developing a better understanding about the person you're about to engage in. And so many of you, especially women, have this laissez-faire attitude because you've been indoctrinated that men are the leaders of the relationship. And I'm here to say you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. And so last, so let me just bring it back full circle. Playing it cool temporarily works. Do you know what works better? Being radically honest with someone. And so if you like a guy, tell him you like him because the emotionally healthy man is going to appreciate your vulnerability, your authenticity and transparency. And my hope is he's expressing his vulnerability, authenticity and transparency with you because that's how two people bond together. And when you bond together, you build this strong bond which is very tough to break. And most people are dating, they're winging it, they're winging it, they're winging it. How well is that working? Is winging it working? Please let me know in the chat box. All right, just to bring it back. If you like a guy, just tell him you like it. Don't play cool. All right, well that covers the content portion of our video. We're gonna get started in the Q&A in a moment. If you're not familiar with my format, there's a chat box that if you're watching the live stream there's a chat box. Post the word question, write the question thereafter or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the funds for the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor to help defray the cost of personal development, I've created a scholarship fund in his name so you can post a question or purchase a Super Sticker and there's a little dollar sign. If you're listening to the audio version, you won't be able to see any of this. All right, so it's time to take questions but I'll be back in one second everybody because I have the heater on and I'm boiling up. So I can't wait to see what we have to say. By the way, it's the new year. I hope you all had a fantastic New Year's Eve and making 2022 your even better year for attracting love. Two, two, 2022 and two people we're gonna make this happen for you this year. All right, let's see what we have in the Q&A board. Dana asked if I could make some PowerPoint slides. If someone would do it for me, I'd be happy to include them. Thank you so much. All right, Monique writes in, question. Question, at this time in my life, I only want friendship with men. Is that possible or do most men want more than that? You want friendship? Well, here's the thing. If you're on a dating site, there's an intentionality to be dating someone. So, but by the way, many people, by the way, now I do believe like apps like Bumble, Bumble, here's Bumble. Bumble has a section where you can say friends. So there are some aspects within some of the dating sites where you can just simply identify that you're seeking friendship with people. That's certainly possible. I mean, here's the thing. You can connect with men on your own and take them out to copy or take them out to make friends. So it is absolutely possible you can make friends. Here's the thing, if a man is sexually attracted to you, his biology, and if he's single and he's sexually attracted to you, his biology is going to want to mate with you. So that is going to be one of the challenges. So you may, so I mean, I was about to say, you may want to date really, well, men who aren't attracted, you may want to create friendships with men who aren't physically attracted to you, but I wouldn't know how you go about doing that. But you certainly can post on a profile, I'm strictly seeking friends, and those men who are not seeking friends, will pass you by and those that might, might be willing to engage with you. That's just my rough thoughts on that really quickly. So Monique, thank you so much for your question. All right, Angie writes in. Question, why men has a hard time receiving a gift or just showing appreciation? My boyfriend has a hard time receiving from me. Oh, I love this question. My boyfriend has a hard time receiving. So boys, when we were boys, we were often taught to stuff our emotions, stuff our feelings. And in that, we were literally indoctrinated to stuff our emotions, stuff our feelings. And I think one of the byproducts of that makes it very difficult to receive from another human being. In fact, this isn't true of men, this is true of women as well. I know so many, most human beings have a hard time receiving because that makes them feel vulnerable. In fact, I know a lot of women who are givers, givers, givers, givers. In fact, I believe people who over give oftentimes have the hardest time to receive and yet the little kid inside of them desperately wants to receive from another human being. Now I'm not saying this is a fact, this is just my perception around this. So humans in general definitely have a hard time receiving. And that's very common. This is why there are some people who are over givers. Now there are some people who are takers. So that's taking is different than receiving because I believe receiving is a reciprocal exchange. It's in a mutual exchange between one another. But I do believe many people have a hard time receiving. In fact, one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? By the way, there's a link below to get my book. Is it talks about, I talk about the importance of receiving and learning how to receive from another human being. So I definitely would recommend checking out my book as we talk about it. Because one of the fundamentals of loving yourself is that capacity to receive love from other people. And I believe many people who have a hard time receiving also aren't loving on themselves. So my suspicion in this particular case, Angie, is that he may not genuinely love himself, which makes it hard to receive. Now that's a lot of people can be givers, okay? But I will say this, it takes a person that loves themselves, men or women, to be able to receive from another human being. That's just my rough thoughts on that. Angie, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Glenn says, what a mug. Yes, this was a gift from one of you out there. And by the way, if you can read this, it says, now ladies, what do I always tell you before the penis goes inside the vagina? Purchase two copies of the book, eight dates. And you can see the little salty there as well. All right, G.B. writes, how can I believe again with a man who rejected me many times, I did communicate with him after the rejection, but still he can't answer or find me with a simple conversation? Well, let me just say that one man isn't all men. Let me repeat this, one man isn't all men. And I know many of you have experienced men who are quite, remember coming back to my emotional relationship skills chart, as I say here, 20% of the population has clinical issues and another 60% are dysfunctional. So yes, eight out of 10 men and women are either dysfunctional or have clinical issues that makes them very poor at being in a relationship. Let me repeat that, 80% of the populations are very poor at being in a relationship. Now, let's think about this for a second. 50% of people who get married get divorced. So it's usually because of some dysfunctionality, a misalignment. And by the way, of the other half that are probably still married, half of those people are miserable. So roughly when I say 80% of the population, 75% of relationships either end in divorce or they're miserable with one another. That's because humans don't know actually how to be in relationship with one another. They don't know how to communicate with one another. They don't even know how to determine if they're compatible with one another. This is why lately I've been recommending these two books for everybody, how to build trust in relationship and couples communication guy. Check this out, they're really thin books. But by the way, most ladies, I know so many of you are suckling on the nipple of I need a man to love me so I can feel good about myself. So I need a man to romance me so I can feel good about myself. Folks, chemistry and romance is not the indicator of relationship success. Shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And so if you had one man that didn't work out, I get it, that sucks. But at the same time, that's not all, man. Most men are good guys. Most men are good guys. They're just bad daters, just like most women are good human beings. They're bad daters as well. And this is why I have a channel so I can draw attention to the personal development work that helps shift this narrative. This is why I continually recommend the book the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in one's life. And I'm here to say when you do the inner work, it doesn't matter what happens with somebody else, you still feel good about yourself and that's what matters most. So coming back to your question there, GB, not one man doesn't equal all men. So how do you believe by recognizing that one man doesn't equal all men? All right, thank you so much for that question. Again, you can purchase a super stick or super chat as well. Okay, Shane writes, question. I'm 33, met my boyfriend seven months ago, exclusive after three months. What are some benchmarks saying I love you, getting married, I'm terrified to waste time, I can't relax? Well, first off, it sounds like you have an agenda. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with an agenda but you have a fear. And that fear is probably going to poison your relationship. Your fear is predicated on your agenda and it's partially because your agenda, and by the way, it's absolutely, folks, it is absolutely okay to wanna get married, to wanna have babies with someone. But what's more important is to determine is this person the right partner for me? Is he the right person for me? I didn't bring out the book. Well, hold on one second, I'm gonna bring out this one book because this is a critically important book to recommend. Okay, everyone, I love the work of Barbara DeAngelis. I love the work of Barbara DeAngelis and she wrote a brilliant book called, are you the one for me? Knowing who's right and avoiding who's wrong. This is a brilliant book and I wanna share with you some of the chapter titles in this book because it helps illustrate the important, this book should be on everyone's bookshelf. Okay, first off, chapter one, love is not enough coming back to the chemistry and romance piece. That's not a love. Why we choose the wrong people? The six biggest mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship, the 10 types of relationships that don't work, the fatal flaws in relationship. This book is a brilliant book. By the way, there's a link below to Jonathan recommends books to really determine is this the right person for me? Because Shane, you're probably operating from it, the winging it, you're just winging it, you're winging it, everybody's just fucking winging it. Intentionality is what's, this is, you know, I mean, I was thinking about writing when I was saying this, the movie, Pride and Prejudice. And I've watched it and I was remembering, basically, you know, it's funny, a lot of women love this movie, Darcy, the emotionally unavailable guy who changes, blah, blah, blah, which is bullshit. But you know what? Women were paraded around for the wealthy men, you know? But what was unique about that time, everybody knew the score. They knew the score, they knew the expect, they knew what was expected of them in relationship. Today, as I started this podcast or started this video, dating today has become a competition of who cares the least. And I'm here to say that's why it's a fucked up process today. And partially it's that way because we're meeting total strangers. We don't have any familiarity, we don't know their family, we don't know their background, we don't know their friends, it's making it more challenging today. This is why winging it doesn't work anymore. It temporarily worked back in the olden times. But ultimately, and it was easier back then because most of the times lifestyles were compatible and values were the same. And emotional maturity wasn't, listen, part of the reason why we're emotionally dysfunctional, it's these fucking things. This has created emotional dysfunctionality, these devices. Humans weren't as emotionally fucked up as they were back then. Now we just have a barrage of information and a barrage of different points of views that's made human beings incredibly dysfunctional. And what's worse is the people are dysfunctional actually think they're righteous. But that's another conversation anyway. So coming back to your original question. By this book, by the book, Eight Dates, actually coming back by the book to Eight Dates, read it with this guy to determine if he's your guy because he's not your guy. And if he doesn't read this with you, then you can end the relationship and find someone who actually wants to build something with you instead of fucking your brains out at his beck and call. That's my two cents anyway. So thank you so much for that question, Shane. I appreciate it. All right, we're gonna take one more before we wrap up. All right, this is gonna be our last question for the day question. In your opinion, if you tell him, you tell a guy you like him and he runs, what are your thoughts? I love this question. Look it, I'm a single man out there. One of the things I wanna hear on a date is a woman say, I like you. If I like her, I want that. I want to hear it, not, I don't wanna hear it parroted back to me. In other words, if I say, well, you're really cool. I like you. I don't want them to say, oh, I like you too because that doesn't feel genuine. I remember once a woman said to me on a date, she said, you know, like towards the end of the evening, she goes, if you ask me out again, I'd say yes. And I liked that, I liked that because that was saying I like you in a roundabout way. Here's the thing, if you tell a man you like him and he runs, he's not your guy. That's just as simple as that. Let me just say this, my book chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. And yet women continually give your power away to men. In fact, let me just share with you the seven ways women give their power away to men and we'll wrap up for today. But number one, the relationship is on his terms and you abandon your standards and your boundaries. Number two, you're afraid to speak your truth with him. That's giving your power away to a man. Number three, when the relationship ends, all you do is hyper focus on him instead of focusing on yourself. That's giving your power away. Number four, you're waiting for him to initiate contact. That's giving your power away. Number five, you stop doing your pre-relationship life, the life you had before him because it's all about him and making him feel good so he doesn't leave you. Number six, the feeling you can't live without him. Folks, you know I lost a child. Let me say endings are inevitable. So understand you can live without someone in your life. And lastly, thinking that they're the only person you'll ever have chemistry with. If you've had chemistry with more than two people in your life, you can have chemistry with more than 10 people in your life. It can actually happen. So coming back to your original question here, don't be afraid to speak your truth because it only scares the wrong guy away. If you like a guy, tell him because playing it cool, again, temporarily works and it will work on needy men, dysfunctional men and controlling men. It'll work temporarily, but the right guy, the really emotionally healthy man, this homie anyway, he wants someone who treats the relationship like a two lane street, you're mutually investing in one another and that's my invitation for everyone. So playing it cool, not telling him you like him. By the way, and the older men get, the more we need this. We need you to let us know you like us and we need to let you know we like you because this game of the people who are playing it cool, the people that act like they don't care the least, this is why relationships aren't flourishing today because it is a dysfunctional dating process and that's why I recommend all these books as well as my coaching practice. So check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, folks. So I think I'm gonna wrap up this live stream today. I wanna thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being part of my community. I truly appreciate your kindness, your care, your well wishes for my father, my son, even me personally, I can't begin to thank you. I can't begin to thank you enough. I hope you find value in this podcast or this live stream. Please share it with your friends. If you're listening to the audio, please share this and if you need some love and support, check out the link below to a discovery call with me to my group called Midlife Love Mastery, my podcast or follow me on Instagram as well. I'm gonna wrap this up like I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrow hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, Pat, a Teddy Barrow pillow and give it or them a hug of love because let's face it, hugs are a great source of love and we can all use motor love in our lives. I wanna thank Glenn and Patricia and Driver and Leif and Colleen and Renee and Angie and Natalie and Mia and Teresa. Thank you all for being on live, wishing you a super duper wonderful, fantastic day. Bye now.