 Good evening and thank you for joining us tonight on Live Style and Health Wednesday on Y254 News. And tonight we're going to be talking about fears in relationships. This is a topic that we've talked about here before. But today we tried to sample some of the feedback that we got from some of the people that we shared these on our social media platforms. We're going to be talking about each and every fear that is based on the ones that we found to be very reoccurring. And to help us talk about this topic tonight here we have Maureen Khadda. Okay, let me start with my file left. We have Helena James who is a student at Zita College. We have Maureen Khadda who is a blogger. The blog is called African, her blog on mental health. We have Karo Stanley who is a student at the Kenyatta University. We have Samuel Kaibeni who is a student at the KCA University. Thank you guys for finding time to come today. And you can be part of this conversation by sharing your views and comments on our social media platforms. That is on Y254 channel, hashtag Y254 news. You can also reach me at Patricia Moriuki. And based on the feedbacks that you guys also shared because we took it upon ourselves to ask this question on our social media platforms. So that we see what really are the issues that people fear. What are some of the concerns that people have whether before getting in a relationship or while in a relationship. And to start up, let me start with you Maureen. Why do you think people have fears? Where do these fears come from? Thank you very much Patricia for this opportunity. First and foremost, I would say that people have fear of the unknown. Because I believe each and every relationship is different. But out here we have people thinking my relationship might turn out to be like my friend's relationship. And so they end up fearing what their friends experienced. I would call it fear of the unknown. Let me bring in Khaimanya. I'm very happy that today in the panel we have a gentleman so that you also get to see to know what are the guys scared of. Why do you think people have fears when it comes to getting into a relationship? Thank you very much Patricia for the chance. You're welcome. I think where the fear comes in is by when you're starting the relationship you are uncertain of what will be happening next. So you submit your trust to someone and perhaps if you are the previous relationship which untrables with faith difference and then that incident may be a result of fearing your current relationship. I would like us to talk about fears that we also have in our relationships. Not just fears that other people have but Karo what is your fear in relationships? Okay Patricia thank you for the opportunity. You're welcome. First of all I want to talk about three fears. The fear of abandonment. The fear of being cheated on. And the fear of not being good enough in a relationship. Those are the three fears I would like to talk about. Personally maybe I've experienced the fear of thinking you're not good enough. Maybe sometimes you see it, you're not good enough. Okay. What about you Helena? What are some of the fears that you have before you get into a relationship? Even while because there are some fears that you may have even while in the relationship. Thank you so much for this opportunity. You're welcome. I would say that the thing I feel most is the time you love someone the times everything you spend every time you spend with that person and maybe all of a sudden it's gone. How will you explain it to your friends? How will you start it? How will you recover from the whole thing? That's the fear. Okay. So based on every thing that you people have said in terms of the things that you fear in relationships. What is your fear as a guy or what are some of the fears that young men have before they approach a lady or even as they date in that lady? Ya. I think when everyone the majority of us when you're entering or starting up a relationship I think the first thing you feel you're like you're fearing to get it's heart to break or being cheated on. Personari also am and I was also afraid of that. Ya. Okay. So now based on the research that I did I realized that there is someone who say that they are scared of forgetting about themselves. They are scared of their fear is losing themselves in the relationship and not putting themselves first and always putting the other person first and then this comes to frustrate them later on. Maureen, what do you think people can do to make sure that as much as you're in a relationship you still manage to take care of yourselves. You're going to put yourself first when you need to make certain decisions. You don't need the other person to push you to make those decisions. First and foremost when getting into a relationship we should make sure or rather you should make sure that you're getting into a relationship with someone who shares the same goals with you in that case as your partner is pushing towards their goals you will also be pushing towards your goal because you share a common goal at the end of the day. But if you get someone who you are two worlds apart you will get that how one of you might end up supporting the other so much and you forget about yourself. Okay. Karo, how do you make sure that first of all are you in a relationship? Yes, I'm in a relationship. Okay, so how do you make sure that you don't forget yourself in that relationship? Okay, I'm in a relationship and I would like to say you just love yourself and love the person but for girls don't look for someone whom you love look for someone who loves you. If you get someone who loves you then the rest will just adjust. So you're trying to say we do not look for people we love. No, the thing is get a person who loves you more than you love him. Let the man love you. Yeah, let him die for you. Okay. Samwet, what's your thought on that? I think our answer is quite ambiguous because I may love you more than you do but I love you for other intentions, you see. But now if I love you more than you do all you don't love me but I love you and then you are in a relationship with me because I love you, I think you may be lost, you see. Okay. Maureen, should we look for people who love us more than we love them? Is that what makes it better? Is that what makes a relationship more successful? I think first what makes a relationship more successful is finding someone who has already found themselves and then they are in a journey of finding love. Just as Carol has said, look for someone who loves you more in that even the person you're getting they love you more and you love that person more. Okay, we'll come back to now, see how do we know the person loves us more because sometimes it's tricky people put their best foot forward before you say yes to be in their girlfriend or to be in their boyfriend but Helena, why do you think what Carol is saying is something that maybe girls should follow by making sure that they're looking for a man who loves them more than they love him? I'll perfectly support her. Okay. This is because if he loves me he'll treat me nicely and in the process of him treating me nicely the love will develop. But if I go for the person I love if he does not love me, even if I did anything for him he'll still go for the person he loves. But then are we not being mean by only saying that okay, what about if men hug you that we also need women who love us more than we love them? What are we going to do about that Helena? Love is a two way traffic. You show me love, I show you love. Okay, so let us talk about how do I know someone loves me? How do I really know that this man loves me and this man is going to die for me this man is going to be my ride or die how do I know? What do you look up at Maureen? Well about that question I would say for a man or a lady to love you they must be loving themselves already Some people are selfish, they love themselves but they cannot manage to love you as much as they love themselves They must have a balance of both Yes, so if you look at a person and in a situation they are unable to balance their love between themselves and they love you just call it quit before it gets late Now I want us to look at before the show it I want us to address at least 5 fears that I noticed in that most people are a friend of and the first one I would like us to talk about is infidelity we have all talked about being cheated on so how do we deal with that fear because let's talk about someone coming from a previous relationship just as someone has said who has been cheated on before and they are coming into a new relationship most likely maybe this other person is not going to cheat but they are scared because people deal with such fears Karo Thank you Patricia First of all I would like to say not only men even ladies most of us have become pathological liars we lie every time and when I say pathological liars it's a way to a traffic maybe most of us have become liars so what I would like us to say for you to know that someone loves you so much I must someone loves you you have to look at some things you call me I don't have to call you you call me I don't have to text you you text me so you just have to know someone who loves you and someone is in love with you as in love is a four letter word but a very strong thing so you just know someone is in love with you but first of all there is a relationship there is a relationship between a girlfriend and a boyfriend and even between me and my parents there is a relationship so there are so many types of relationships so you know how to deal with it each and every relationship you have to know how to deal with it so Samuel I'll bring you in because you talked about unfaithfulness that is the first fear that you mentioned why do you think I'll ask you as a man not saying that all men cheat but I'm asking why do you think some of the men cheat and then we'll get to the ladies you tell us why do they think some of the ladies cheat and thank you I think women we consider ourselves superior strong enough but when it comes to matters during a relationship and love some of us are weak being against it but now to deal with this it's all matters being trustworthy enough to be faithful to your person if you feel she is not around ok so should we forgive infidelity should infidelity be forgiven or if someone cheats leave them and move on what's your thought on that that one I'll take every person's thought what's your thought on that should we forgive infidelity I think yeah but with the sensible reason ok Karo should we forgive infidelity of course I'll say no if someone cheats on you and if someone is planning to cheat on you leave that person run away don't even leave run away should we forgive infidelity first and foremost why is this person cheating when is your partner cheating do they love themselves because someone who loves themselves will not cheat in the first place second what I know is that once someone cheats for the first time there is going to be a second and a third time so once you notice your partner is cheating for the first time I mean raise your eyebrows and walk out ok Helena should we forgive infidelity not at all with reasons of course if you lied to me the first time there would be a second time and infidelity is always planned so I don't think he will be able to tell me you are sorry I can never trust you again if infidelity is involved in our love affairs or our relationship we are done ok I think I would say you could forgive once but don't attack me on that so what needs to be done to make sure that there is no infidelity in relationships so that we get rid of this fear of someone is scared that they are going to give their all in a relationship and then they are going to be cheated on what do we do the first step you should take as a victim is discovering the person that you want to grow in love with because for someone to start cheating just as Helena said it is a process it is not just something that someone is going to wake up today and decide I am going to cheat on you it is something that has been growing in them yeah so for someone to cheat on you I don't think they love you yes the second one was helping a man grow and then after he has grown he lives you there was another issue that I got from from various ladies and that one came mostly from ladies they are scared of to grow pamoja and then mksha jengana the man disappears how do we deal with that fear number one are you willing to kujengana with someone I love to kujengana you never know so many people are afraid to kujengana we build houses we buy lands Allah will live each other but I would like to say respect for you to be in love you have to respect the person you are in love with if respect is there trust me the rest will just flow if I respect you you shout at me I won't shout back I'll keep quiet and maybe later I'll come and know why you did it so come on me jengana then you go to jengana you have to respect the man and the man has to respect the lady when respect is there trust me everything else will just flow and don't ignore red flags if I start you text me I don't text back you call me I don't pick up the call after to me jengana after to me jengana don't ignore red flags jwa kunashida mahalik if you found a girlfriend today and you start life together and you build each other because sometimes growing together with your partner is not even mostly on material things but it's even the person making you better would you leave that person if you found someone because always someone is better than me so if you found that person will you go for that other person and forget the girlfriend forget that partner who had you when there was literally nothing I think probably no because when you start to build each other together you become responsible for each other so as a guy I'll do my best to be my difference of the feelings of that other person I ask myself if it happens I had this lady what will happen to her next do I deserve also to be done so in return you see out of being my difference I will be that much took care about her feelings and to make about a step, a next move okay to start it from the ground with someone yeah one thing I know is that trust is the thing, trust is the key and for me to love you I'll start by trusting you and if at all I can trust you with my own self, my heart I think I can trust you for the rest of the things we have okay wow morein kuna look now is are we watching on something that is are you willing to do to start to kujangana with someone first and foremost this they call to jengane in case of in material matters you jenga yourself to kutane and then in the other case when you have grown old together and then the lady of the guy see someone else who is better nika mwa kwa chakwa kukiki chomeka and then you go to your neighbor's house why don't you make your partner better than the one you are admiring okay wow and that brings us to our other big issue which was finances people are scared of being with people who are not financially stable and what rage should we really put a man as financially stable when we are please pardon your question kindly we are talking about finances at what really is a stable what stability should you look out to when you want to date someone in terms of now dealing with the issue of finances in relationships personally I am a first of all nowadays girls have fallen in love with money you don't look for a person you love you want a person who has money you want a person who has money so I just like to tell you work hard, get what you have let the man work hard get what he wants in life you can put everything together and everything will go on so what I am getting here is that let him work by himself let me deal with myself to kutane we are not doing this all together down here build yourself from there let us now meet at point A and move on with life first of all kunaupatana high school some of us you meet your partner in campus so you have to first of all help that person with ideas maybe I am in a relationship with someone let's say X I come and tell you X I want to start a business support me if X comes and tells me Karo I want to buy a land I have this amount I don't have this amount if I am working who am I not to support that person so the thing is support each other but kilam tu ajita fute okay how now do we deal how do we overcome fears Maureen how do we overcome the fears that we have talked about how do we make sure that these are not things that he does we have good people from falling in love or being in relationships with people who are going to make us better than we are I would say it's better to grow in love than to fall in love because when you grow in love you all get yourself at the same level you are both looking for love and you are going to help these other person become the person that you like them to be and they will be helping you become the person they like to be okay now overcome all these fears that have been raised I think the first step to take to and overcoming this fear first we need to be trustworthy to each other you don't need to be around me for me to be trustworthy to you or be faithfulness to you faithful to you so when I observe trustworthy and faithfulness faithfulness in absence of you and you get that sense I am I think everything will be dope okay there is a fear of feeling like being taken for granted and wasting your time someone say dating someone for a very long time and then it does not work out you did someone for like 8 years and you are thinking this is my Mr. Right and then boom it doesn't work out how do people should we have a limit on how long you should date someone maybe before you make things official Helena okay on that I would say you can't say about time sometimes they love you for some time sometimes they will fake it you don't always living a lie and who is real so what I would say is that maybe follow your heart and thank you dating for very long periods of time and then you realize your time has been wasted you have committed yourself to this relationship you have done it maybe for like 8 years 10 years and then boom you have broken up there is nothing you have now to go ground zero and maybe you are hitting a very bad time age also does not wait so according to me when you date for 10 years when did you start dating in high school second of all when you are getting into a relationship you must be having goals because for me if in a relationship for 5 years and it is yielding nothing the both of you are very much stable what is hindering you from getting married and again there must be some red flags unless this person has been in this relationship for 10 years has been ignoring the red flags so once you notice things are not going right ask questions because if you don't ask questions at the end of the road you will come back and start regretting okay Karo how long are you willing to date someone are you willing to date someone for 10 years before they make it official time is running time is running so I can't just date you for 10 years first of all if I am dating you what do you want in life after this year what are we going to achieve what is our plan after this do we have babies do you go on and have a wedding you get me so if you are in a relationship make sure you know what has brought you there have you should have goals in a relationship we say maybe in the next 3 years we are dating for 2 years then we get married we go into a relationship 8 years have passed 9 years have passed you are still there you don't know what next stay woke so Samuel this is a notion that guys always know if she is a wifey like guys have this feeling that they are sure this one is a good one this one is going to be a good one is that really true maybe you can share a secret with us today I think I think it all depends with your perception because what I perceive about someone it's not the same likes the guy be perceived about his person or another girl so it all depends with your perception to a certain lady as you wind up Maureen what do you think defines a good relationship a healthy relationship despite all the fears we have talked about tonight a healthy relationship it's defined by both of you discovering yourself knowing your goals in that relationship and also helping each other become better finally grow in love I'll say grow in love don't fall in love thank you very much guys for finding the time to come and join us tonight you've heard from Maureen do not fall in love look for the person who loves you more not the one that you love I don't know how that is going to work but you try it out if it works for you well and good anyway that is how we hand for you tonight on Y254 news updates my name is Patricia Morioki do have your say good night