 Dedicated to the strength of the nation. proudly we hail the upon us, Blake, the United States Army and United States Air Force presentation. And now here is our producer, the well-known Hollywood showman, C.P. McGrayer. Thank you very much and greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to your theater of stars, or Hollywood's most outstanding figures of the motion picture world. Join us in stories we know you'll enjoy. Our star is the popular comedian, Sterling Holloway, and the title of our story, The Odyssey of Horace Glick. We'll have the curtain for act one in just a moment, but first, here is your announcer. Choose the career that offers all five. The U.S. Army offers you these five keys to a successful future. One, a career of service to country. Two, the right job for you. Three, continuous training for planned advancement. Four, lifetime security. Five, travel and recreation. Yes, man, choose the career that offers all five. Find out about the five keys to a successful future at your nearest U.S. Army and U.S. Air Force recruiting station. And now once again, our producer. The curtain rises on act one of the Odyssey of Horace Glick starring Sterling Holloway as Horace Glick. You know, a story like this one about Horace Glick and a nothing but pitiful sad sadness. Just laying eyes on Horace Glick, start you weeping about little orphans and stray dogs. Horace looked like nothing in the book. Weed-colored hair sticking up like a beaten-out broom. Big brown eyes with a kind of wet sadness of coddled eggs. And a chin that looks like it melted in the sun and ran down on his neck. But this will stagger you. He's married. Yeah, Horace Glick's got a Mrs. Glick. And she ain't bad either, which hands us guys a few things to figure out besides the horses. Well, as I get it, the whole story begins one morning at the screech of dawn. Horace is skipping around in the land of Nod. And the only commotion in the Glick bedroom is the clock ticking to itself and sort of crouching back, getting ready to spring. I wouldn't break that. Oh, crash into the rail. There he goes. Out into the water. Oh, hiya. And I'm coming. Horace, wake up and quit flying around the room. You look silly. Honest to heaven if you could see yourself lurching around the room like you were on wires. Are you awake now? You certainly don't look it. If you wouldn't open your mouth so wide, you couldn't lock your jaws. Well, come here so I can get them on snap. Horace Glick, if you don't stop these morning convulsions of yours, you'll have me a stark lunatic. And you might as well shut the window as long as you're up. Oh, I've said it before and I'll say it again. One of these mornings you'll either take a hitter out of the window or you'll lock your jaws open and you never will get them shut. I live in holy terror every morning. Yes, dear. That clock, it must go. The clock? I mean, I can't stand it. Why does it have to ring like the Anvil Chorus? It doesn't. It has a very gentle bell. It's gentle as a five alarm fire. It's very confusing. It's a marvel the way you fly in the air like you'd been stabbed. Oh, and stop rubbing your head. It hurts. Well, I shouldn't wonder the way you go lurching around every morning, banging into the dresser and door jams. Oh, I got awful bang this. Look, Lavinia, lumps. Well, I'm not at all surprised. Hand me my robe and I'll go put the coffee on. And don't stand there looking at me glassy, I'd horace. It gives me the creeps. Oh, dear angels, give me strength. Here's. Is it within the bounds of probability that you might find a softer toothbrush for me? What's the matter with the one you've got? I just bought it day before yesterday. Bristles. What? Too noisy. Too noisy? Yeah. They clash against my teeth. Too noisy. Well, of all the idiotic things I have ever listened to, who ever heard of a noisy toothbrush? I did. The one I've got clashes against my teeth. Gives me the jitters. I don't think you're really awake yet. Sit down to your breakfast. I'm afraid your egg is about ruined. Oh, Lavinia. Yeah. What's that? What's what? That, that poofling sound. I'm sure I don't hear any poofling sound. Oh, yeah, you must. Listen to it. Listen. Poofle, poofle, poofle, poofle. You don't mean the coffee percolator. Is that what's going... Well, whatever it's going, it's percolating the coffee, if that's what you mean. Is there no other method of preparing coffee, Lavinia? Is there no other... Horus Glick, why? Too noisy. What's too noisy? All those percolates. Horus Glick. I can't help but to give you the jitters. I think if anyone has the right to jitters in this house, it's me. Clashing toothbrush, noisy percolator. Oh, honey. You managed to stand the awful crashing of the eggshells when you break your egg. Oh, don't. Oh, now stop your foolishness and finish your breakfast. Here's the paper. Stop, Lavinia. Now what? Take it away. Why? It just came. Take that paper away. Give me the jitters. Well, the news is no worse than usual. Why should this morning's paper give you the jitters? Oh, this morning's paper is worse than ever with all the crashing and the crinkling and that awful crash that came from the sports page. Horus, if you say that again, I'll scream. Oh, no, please, Lavinia. Horus Glick. Yes? I think we may as well face it. Face what? Face the fact that something is radically wrong with you. I know. Jitters. Well, jitters are plain common in sanity. I want you to promise me something. Well, what? That before you come home tonight, you'll see a doctor. Oh, now really, Lavinia? You can take a streetcar at noon out to see Dr. Arnold. Oh, I couldn't possibly take a streetcar, Lavinia. Why? Oh, streetcars. You know, they go... Biddly doo, biddly da, biddly doo, biddly da. Clang, clang, clang, fares, please. Oh, my wrong streetcar. Transfer. Jitters. Oh, very well, Mr. Glick. Then either walk or take a cab. But I want your promise. If you come home tonight without some reasonable excuse for your behavior, I'll pack up and leave. Oh, no, Lavinia. No. I'll run the vacuum cleaner all night. Oh, no. Pack up and leave if you want. But don't run the vacuum cleaner that awful... Oh, no, jitters. You sit down, Mr. Glick. Thank you. Now, then, try to compose yourself and tell me just exactly what it is that seems to be troubling you. Noises. Noises. Just what sort of noises do you mean, Mr. Glick? Well, just noisy noises. Oh, I see. Like, for example, a conversation of the little people or the rustle of shadows? Maybe you need a doctor worse than I do. Oh, I never hear such things, but people sometimes do, you know. Now, tell me, what noises seem to trouble you the most, Mr. Grick? Well, I want to brace myself for this. Like, for instance, a leaky tap. It goes... Drip... It gives me the jitters. Uh-huh, uh-huh, go on. And then... Then this rain! Rain on the roof, on a soft roof, or a tar roof, or a tin roof. It goes... Park, crash, crane! No, jitters, please don't make me do it. Stop the rain, stop it. Get it off that tin roof anyway. Extraordinary. Most extraordinary. I'll just make a note. Leaky tap. Rain. Doctor, would... Please, would you mind using my pen? It doesn't scratch. Oh, see, mine doesn't go... Yes, yes, of course, Mr. Grick. Your auditory senses are quite acute, aren't they, Mr. Grick? No, I just have good hearing, that's all. Yes, yes. Mr. Grick, often times something in our early life, our childhood, begins a pattern. Now, some occurrence results in psycho, or mental quirks in later life. Now, do you recall any undue noises that gave you, shall I say, a fright when you were a child? When I was a child. Yes. Well, I remember once a mosquito got too close to my ear when I was a child. It was having fun. Ah-ha! Anything else you recall, Mr. Grick? I was scared by a cement mixer once. Mr. Glick, Mr. Glick, Mr. Glick, Mr. Glick! Stop, please! I think I get the idea. Good. Splendid. Ah, it was rather unpleasant. Yes, yes, I know, I know. But what I mean to say, Mr. Glick, is that I think we've struck the crux of your dilemma. Don't strike it too hard, please. In fact, I'm convinced that you're undoubtedly suffering from a condition which we might term sonophobia. Or shall I say, fear of sound? Yes. Now, I can only recommend a long rest. Absolute quiet. And perhaps an ocean voyage. Seasick. Well, in that case, perhaps a long trip to the mountain. No, no, coyotes. I beg your pardon. Coyotes! Yes, yes, of course, of course, Mr. Glick, I understand. However, please bear in mind that regardless of where you find them, rest and complete quiet are imperative. Of course, in the valleys, the coyotes are... They're pretty bad, too. Yes, oh, well, incidentally, Mr. Glick, what is your occupation? I work in a broadcasting studio. Ah, yes, yes, I begin to understand. But what I mean to say is, what do you actually do? What is your job? Noises. I beg your pardon. I'm a sound effects engineer. Pause briefly from our story the Odyssey of Horace Glick starring Sterling Holloway to bring you an important message from our government. Choose the career that offers all five. The U.S. Army offers you these five keys to a successful future. One, a career of service. In the Army, you'll be on a team with a tradition of patriotic service to the nation. Two, the right job for you. Scientific aptitude test determine the job you're best suited for. Three, continuous training for planned advancement. Specialized training and educational courses prepare you for advancement. Then the Army's career plan assures you periodic promotions based on your skill and efficiency. Four, lifetime security. You as an Army man are guaranteed regular pay and sound retirement benefits. In sickness, your medical care is provided without cost, and your regular pay continues. Five, travel and recreation. In the Army, you'll enjoy the finest recreational facilities and opportunities for worldwide travel. Remember, you have 30 days vacation with pay each year. Yes, choose the career that offers all five. Get full details at your nearest U.S. Army and U.S. Air Force Recruiting Station. The curtain rises on Act 2 of the Odyssey of Horace Glick starring Sterling Holloway as Horace Glick. Maybe you see what I mean about this guy Horace Glick being a daffy character. So help me, the goonie bird even drove the dock nuts. Anyway, as I dope out the rest of this cockeyed story, Horace mutes for the broadcasting studios and makes a beeline for Mr. Johnson's office. Mr. Johnson is just the big shot of the network. You know, the guy that everybody laughs at his corny jokes and says, yes, Mr. Johnson, no, Mr. Johnson, why of course Mr. Johnson. But does Mr. Big Shot Johnson scare lame brain Horace Glick as kangaroos got feathers? So this guy Horace with holes in his head and sparrows flying in and out takes Mr. Johnson's office like a beach head and sags plump in front of his eight-foot desk and don't even bat an eye. Well, I must say, Glick, your entrance is a trifle dramatic and unannounced. I could even say a bit psychic since I was on the very verge of sending for you. Mr. Johnson. Oh, it's all right, my boy. No apologies, though it is customary to knock before entering my office. Yes, customary, not before you enter your office. I've seen a doctor. Well, well, splendid capital. Wonderful people, doctors. Wonderful people couldn't do without them. Yes, couldn't do without them. He says I've got sonophobia. Have you? Well, I hope I'm among the first to offer congratulations. I dare say that's an achievement, Glick. The doctor says it's noises. Well, right up your alley, Glick. However, I should say not a very apt choice of words, noises. I should much prefer well-designed cacophony for a man of your profession. Oh, by the way, Glick, I heard your work on last night's whistle-wait theater of the air. Yes. I've had it ever since I was a child, too. Well, of course, Glick, talent always begins in the formative years of your childhood. He said I should have complete rest and quiet. And I agree, my boy. I agree perfectly. I've always said rest and quiet are the two prerequisites of our best work. So often we're apt to light the candle at both ends, and the wax of our talents burneth low. Yes, indeed. Mr. Johnson, I have to go. Of course, of course, Glick. Duty calls, and I shan't hold you more than a second. Glick, my boy, it's a pleasure to inform you that because of your diligent and effort, your salary will be increased 50% commencing Monday morning. And further, you'll become the new head of our sound effects department. Well, gee whiz, Mr. Johnson. That's my boy. You needn't struggle for thanks. I think I know how happy you are. Not, Mr. Johnson. Not? Not what, Glick? Happy. Huh? What was that? I'm rather miserable, as a matter of fact. You see, now I can't afford to quit, and I'll have them worse than ever now. Jitters, I mean. You wouldn't believe it, a guy that screams about the noise of ants stamping their feet or butterflies flapping their wings getting a job like that. It's a dizzy, daffy story, and I'm stuck with it, but there he was in Studio C, hanging over a mess of sound effects like a wet mop, and making a racket that gets stone-deaf statues plugging up their ears with cotton. The broadcast was on, and that goon horse was smashed in the middle, and I ain't being careless with that word smash. Look, Tracy, the crooks have set fire to the arsenal. Here comes a fire department. Step on it, Lancelot. Maybe we can hit the crooks off before they get away. There they are, Tracy. Stop in the name of the law. He ain't stopping, Lancelot. Let him have it with you. Come again. I used your rifle. Okay. You asked for it, Mugs. It has happened now. As the arsenal blown up, did the crooks escape? What about those intrepid minions of the law, Tracy and Lancelot? Listen next week to the Monster's Revenge. Brought to you by Blam Fapp. B-L-A-M-P-H-A-P. Remember the name? Blam Fapp. Gee, Horace, that was a terrific sound effect. Yeah, that's the best sound effect you've ever done. Thanks, fellas. Well, congratulations, Lick. That was the finest piece of sound work I've heard in years of producing. Oh, it was nothing. And now about next week's show, Lick. A super-duper. Now, the way I see it, the crooks escape to the hideout where they've got an atomic bomb hidden. Yeah, atomic bomb. And when they set it off, it caused an earthquake and an avalanche and maybe even a tidal wave. Yeah, a tidal wave. Super terrific. Mr. Morley. What? What? Got some more ideas for sound? Would you please stop tapping that tensile? It's noisy. Who could that be? Hello, honey. Well, for goodness sake, I thought I heard someone at the door. Why didn't you use your key? Oh, I don't carry it. Why? The jangle's on my key chain, you know, clink, clink. Oh, gracious. Well, come in out of the pouring rain before you get pneumonia and no wheeze, wheeze. It's a joke. Yes. How long have you been standing out there? I don't know. Well, why didn't you knock louder? No easy. Oh, here we go again. Well, take off your sopping coat and come into the living room. Dinner's about ready. Oh, and you needn't get that startled look on your face. There's no celery or soda crackers. The noisiest food I fixed is mashed potatoes. That's the nicest thing anyone ever did for me. You know, that screwy moose-horus, he ain't nothing if he ain't a fugitive from a squirrel cage. Well, the Dizzy Daffy story goes on and we're back in the glick bedroom. Not a silly sound to be heard, except the ticking of the clock and, of course, the felly-loo birds flying around in Horus's head if you can hear them, and believe me, I'm getting so I can. Horus? Hmm. Is there any good reason for you lying there with your head covered up like an ostrich? Hmm. Well, may I ask what it is? Clock. What? Clock. Noisy. The clock is clear over here on my side of the bed and you couldn't possibly hear it. Well, I can barely hear it myself. Oh, but listen. You hear it? There goes flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, there's nothing! Oh, all right, I'll put it on the floor under the bed. Now can you hear it? It's going... Flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick. Oh, Horus, flick, I've done everything in my power to be a good and patient wife but I've just about reached the end of my rope I'm sorry which reminds me this morning you gave me your faithful promise to see a doctor did you well well what what did he say who the doctor not much well exactly what well he just said I had sonophobia you have what sonophobia I'm allergic to sound noises noisy noises you spend good money to find that out plus six-year-old idiot child could have told you that I don't know any you don't know any what idiot children oh I give up around six at it Lavenia now what is it I've got an idea oh don't tell me you've got another one it just came to me well what is it I don't know exactly I think I'll just lie here and stay awake what for so that I can think about it my idea I mean came the next day in fact came five o'clock the next day p.m. that is and then do you know what you wouldn't believe it at the Glick household came the ringing of the doorbell hello Horace Glick is that you can't use my keys don't carry them I haven't say come in here before the neighbors see you and swear out a warrant for your commitment I can see your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying what's that silly thing you've got on your head look what I've got on my head I am looking and it's perfectly ghastly I bought it at a sporting store it's a football help well take it off this instant it's a foot football helmet take that silly thing off your head this minute I can't hear a thing you say wait a minute I'll take the football helmet off well I should think so yeah well I take the plugs out of my ears things I've ever seen or heard of in my life oh what's the matter too noisy put the plugs back in again but football helmet back on again now it's not noisy can you hear me peace and quiet no jitters don't tell me this is going to be the answer wait a minute we'll just find out can you hear that when we're going to have dinner I'm going to be it's a miracle that's what it is love it I forgot to kiss you when I came in so you did honey yeah yeah you know it's so nice to come home quiet not noisy don't have the jitter the curtain falls in the final act of the Odyssey of Horace Glick our star Sterling Holloway will return for a curtain call after this timely message from Wendell Niles valuable professional assignments in the Army Medical Department are now available to a limited number of young doctors in these positions doctors have a chance to work closely with top specialists in the various fields of medicine and keep abreast of the newest developments and the finest modern medical equipment in addition to regular pay and allowances they receive $100 per month professional pay for details right to the Surgeon General Department of the Army Washington 25 DC once again our star and our producer Sterling I know that our radio audience must be happy to hear you in our theater just as happy as we are to have you with us well thanks CP but how about the army sure they're happy and so is the Air Force you being a next GI yeah that's what I mean so did you know CP that I was the first acted to be called into the service no I didn't I sure was and my number was a second to be called in the lottery I didn't know that but I guess the army figured you had an important job to do and they just wanted to see that you had plenty of time to get it done yeah I'd believe that if it hadn't been a lottery you know that's the first lottery I ever know and I remember when it happened remembered well I was out in the backyard see and my mom called me and she said that the A and P man wanted to interview me you mean the A and P news service I found that out I couldn't figure why the guy from the grocery store wanted to ask me questions well you had a ticket that carried you all the way overseas I recall you were with the Hey rookie show and weren't you in Germany recently with the United States Air Force on the airlift yeah the Air Force is flew us over and we toured all of Germany you didn't make that picture in Italy then did you you mean her a wonderful a lie that's the one I just saw it you were great oh thanks no I made that before I went back on the airlift I tell our audience something about the picture maybe they haven't all seen it well it's a Columbia release CP Johnny's caught on Mark Platter in it too and I hope all the folks like it hey well don't you worry incidentally I think your friends would like to hear what else you've been doing well I've been doing a little writing and a little directing I've written a couple of shows and I'm gonna produce one of them we all wish you success and lots of it thanks CP I can sure use it and now tell me what have you and my late employers got on the fire for next week but well next week's Dirling and ladies and gentlemen McDonald Kerry returns to our microphone the star in a highly dramatic story black dust don't miss it great I'll be listening well so long CP goodbye Sterling and thanks for being with us and we should have done this next week ladies and gentlemen when McDonald Kerry will be our star in a dramatic story black dust until then thanks for listening and cheerio from Hollywood Sterling Holloway appeared with the courtesy of the Hollywood Coordinating Committee which arranges for the appearance of all stars on this program script was by Kimball S. Sant with the music of Eddie Dunstead this program was transcribed in Hollywood for release at this time Wendell Niles speaking