 J-V-L-L-O! The Jell-O program brought to you by Jell-O and Jell-O Pudding, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with, we did it before and we can do it again. We did it before and we can do it again from the Broadway show Banjo Eyes, played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who gave a big party last Thursday at his home in Beverly Hills. A host whose Christmas dinner was the greatest thing since Harper's Bizarre Diet, Jack Benny. You'll all again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don, for a man who ate 15 stalks of celery, and heaven knows how many when I wasn't looking. You're a fine one to complain. But after all, Jack, that's all there was to eat, celery and ham hocks. I had turkey. You had ham hocks. Sticking that feather duster in them didn't fool anybody. Look, it fooled Dennis because he asked for the breast. Anyway, Don, ham hocks are marvelous. I'm crazy about them. Well, I'm glad of that because my wife says the next time you come to our house, that's all you're going to get. Well, that's the cheapest thing I've ever heard of. You've got a backyard full of chicken. Anyway, Don, regardless of what you say, my party was a success. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Hey, Jack, you notice anything new today? Well, let's see. Are you wearing a new dress? No. New shoes? No. New pocketbook? No. Well, I give up. What's new about you? I'm wearing that lousy mascara you gave me for Christmas. Now, just a minute, young lady, in that gorgeous hand-painted gift box, you also found a lipstick and talcum powder and bath salt and a beautiful pink and white washcloth. The washcloth, I already returned to the Ambassador Hotel. Now, it didn't come from the hotel. It was made by the Ambassador Knitting Mill. Read before you return. Speaking of Christmas presents, I've got a good notion to tell Don what you gave me. What was it, Jack? A lot of thought, he put into it. Well, it was useful. You've got to admit that. Sure, useful. Well, what was it, Jack? What did Mary give you for Christmas? A nutcracker for coconut. So big, I can't even lift it. Well, I was going to get your muscles, but I didn't know where to buy them. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Mary. You can take that present you gave me right back to the May Company. First thing in the morning. You take it. Every time I go there, I forget and punch the clock. All right, I'll take it back myself. But the next time... Hey, look at Dennis. What's the matter with him? Where? Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Well, what's the matter with you? Just ask me how my girl is. Go ahead, ask me. All right, Dennis, how's your girl? She can go sit on a taxi. What's this all about? What's wrong between you and your girl? Well, I gave her some beautiful earrings for Christmas, and just because I swallowed one, she slapped me. Well, for Dennis, how in the world did you happen to swallow one of your girl's earrings? I was whispering something to her, and I got too confidential. Well, that could happen. But only to him. You said it. Anyway, don't worry, Dennis. You and your girl will make up. Oh, yeah? As soon as I get my bicycle back, I'm going to give her the air. Well, I... I don't blame you. I sold over 8,000 magazines to get that bicycle. It's mine. All right, forget about your girl and your bicycle. Change the subject. Hey, Dennis, did you have a good time at my Christmas party? Yeah, but, gee, the turkey shoe made me thirsty. It was a little salty, but you had fun, though, didn't you, Dennis? You certainly met a lot of celebrities. What do you mean, celebrities? I mean movie stars. Ginger Rogers was there, wasn't she? Ginger Rogers' car broke down, and she stopped in to use your telephone. Whoever walks in that front door is a guest. Whether it's Ginger or Moiban. I mean, there were other stars there, too. Oh, say, Don, did you read any notices about my party and the society pages? I imagine all the papers covered it, huh? No, Jack, I looked, but I didn't see a word about your party. Oh, oh, you didn't, huh? Well, I saw it swell right up, Jack. Where? Where? Who? Who? Who did it? Where? Where? Where? Where did you see it right up? In the downtown shopping news. Oh. Oh. I thought you'd like to read it, so I flipped it out. Get a load of this, fellas. Jack Benny's Christmas party last Thursday was one of the outstanding events of the Beverly Hills social season. Well... Among those present were Rodney Dangerfield, the cowboy star, Barney Dean, Stella Buggenhaven. That's Rodney's leading lady, remember? And your reporter, Scoop Scoopsy. Good old Scoop. Go on, Mary. Delicious ham hocks all aduster were enjoyed by all. Ham hocks? Quiet. Go ahead, Mary. And the highlight of the evening was when Miss Ginger Rogers stopped in to use the telephone. I'll never forget the look on Scoop's face. After dinner, the guests retired to Mr. Benny's trumpet room, which was tastefully decorated with holly, mistletoe, and a huge bag. That was the present Mr. Billingsley gave me. Boy, am I gonna have flowers. Now, what else does it say, Mary? The party broke up around 10 p.m. when the ace of spades fell out of Barney Dean's sleeve. For a minute there, I thought Rodney was gonna shoot him. That was a lovely notice, Mary. Well, Dennis, give it to me, Mary. I'll send it to my father. He thinks I'm cheap. Well, Dennis, it's time for a song, so how about it? See, I thought Mr. Dangerfield did take a shot at him. Dennis, we won't discuss those things now. Let's have your song. Okay. Hold it. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. Happy New Year, you I wish, and season's greetings so delish. I hope your days are bright and sunny. Well, thank you, sir. You're welcome, honey. Get out of here. Sing, Dennis, I must call up Barney and see if he needs another transfusion. Hi, Dennis Day, and Dennis, that was swell. By the way, kid, before I forget it, I want to thank you for that lovely Christmas present you sent me. Shaving cream is one thing I can always use. Yes, sir. That wasn't shaving cream, Mr. Benny. That was a tube of anchovy paste. Anchovy paste? I was wondering why it didn't lather. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the cat kept licking my face all morning. That should have tipped me off right there. Oh, well. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Hi, you fellas. Well, tomorrow's the big night. You got your reservation in, Jackson? What reservation? You know, me and the boys. We're opening downtown at the Biltmore Bowl. Oh, yes, that's right. We'll share bowls, Biltmore bowls. You and your auctioner have been in more bowls than a pair of chopsticks. Hey! Yeah, that's all right. I'm going to pull that tomorrow night. Can I have that gag, Jackson? It's yours for two bucks, Phil. That's what I paid for it. I'll be glad to get out from under. Say, Phil, what kind of a show have you got lined up for the opening? Oh, it's terrific. First, we're going to play some straight band numbers, and then sing a lot of novelty songs, and then Charlie Bagby's going to do a soft shoe dance. Uh, Bagby, your piano player? Does he dance? No, but we got to get him up. That stool needs painting. Oh. And then, on the late show, Frankie, my guitar player, is going to get up and do some acrobatic tricks. Look, Phil, on the late show, if Frankie just gets up, I'll give him a hand, believe me. And don't tell us anymore. You'll spoil it. Say, Phil, you're opening going to be formal. Do I have to dress? Well, you ought to wear something. Always an answer. That Harris is a clip. That Harris is a clip. What a character. Say, Phil, shall we tell Jack the surprise we got cooked up for the opening? Yeah, Jackson, Mary and me are going to do a cute little number call. How about you? You know, it's the one that Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland sing in that new picture. Hey, that ought to be good. And listen, if you want another great idea, how about, oh, this is terrific, how about in the second chorus, if I pick up my violin and play it? See what I told you, Phil? Listen, Mary, it's Phil's opening. And if he wants me to play a violin solo, that's his business. Hey, Philzie? Them Ham Huts I ate, but the violin is over my dead body. Mary, try out that song for us tonight. All right, come on, Mary. Let's show them how it goes. OK. All right, go ahead. But if you hear a violin in the second chorus, don't be surprised. Go ahead, let's have the song. Wait a minute. I'll take it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. What do you want? I was just wondering, boss, can I have tomorrow night? Rochester, New Year's Eve isn't until Wednesday night. Well, I want to let my hair down. That takes me two days to get the curl out of. Rochester, let me make one thing clear. You're getting New Year's off, Eve. You're getting New Year's Eve off, and that's all. And furthermore, I want you to be back to work at 9 a.m. the next morning. 9 a.m.? Yes, 9 a.m. OK. If I ain't in the kitchen looking the rose buzzers. I'm not going to hunt for you. Now, look, Rochester, there are a lot of things you can do on New Year's Eve besides drinking. You can throw confetti. And you can blow horn. And break balloons. And when midnight comes and the old year passes out. I want to go with it. Rochester, believe me, I know what I'm talking about. You'll feel much better the next day if you stick the ginger ale like I do. OK, you're the boss. You mean you're going to stick the ginger ale? No, just OK, you're the boss. I don't care what you do, but I want to see you 9 o'clock the following morning on the job. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? I forgot to thank you for that beautiful Christmas present you gave me. That's all right, Rochester. I always wanted a pound of sand. That's good. Now that I've got that bottle of beans, I'm going to buy one. Hard to figure out what to buy him. He has everything. Now, where were we? Well, Mary and me are going to give out with that song. Oh, yes. Go ahead. Remember what I said about the second chorus. Sing, my little chickadees. My writers are working for W.C. Fields now. Like New York and June, how about you? I like the Gershwin tune. How about you? I love a fireside when a storm is due. I like the pay-to-kiss moonlight and motor-drift. How about you? I'm bad about good books. Can't get my fill. And Robert Taylor's look gives me a thrill. Holding hands in a movie show and all the lights alone may not be new, but I like it. How about you? I like Fred Allen's jokers. To a degree. I love the common folk. That was how about you from the MGM picture, Babes on Broadway, sung by Mickey Harris and Judy Livingston. With violin hotlifts by Jive and Jackie Benny. You see that little bit in there really helped the number, didn't it, Mary? Dinadon. Dinadon. Dinadon. Who, me? Thanks. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as is our custom at this time of year, tonight we are going to present our annual New Year's Play entitled The New Tenant, or Goodbye 41, Hello 42. Now once again, I will play the part of the... Say, Mr. Benny, every year you do one of these plays and I don't understand them. Well, you see, Dennis, these little sketches we do at the close of each year are not so much plays as they are allegorical fantasies. Oh. You see, they... You see, they deal with the abstract and the esoteric rather than with the prosaic. Oh, for heaven's sake. Uh, do you understand, Dennis? Give me that again and if my face lights up, stop it. Now, now look, uh, look, kids. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, while Jackie's explaining the nice play to Dennis, let me tell you about Jello with its new locked-in process. Such as we often do in motion. Jello is not only economical and easy to make, but comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, marry, lemon, and lime. I thank you. But listen to the thought behind it. So remember, it's nothing but abstract symbolism. Have you got it, Dennis? Yes, sir. Rub a little on me, will you, kid? Well, you've got an important role. You're gonna be Uncle Sam, so study it. Now, in our sketch tonight, I will play the part of the old year, 1941, who has been living in a big boarding house called the United States, run by Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Mary, you're gonna be Columbia and you have 48 children. One for each state in the Union. 48 children? Holy smoke. Well, you were born in 1776. Oh, well, that's not so bad, then. Of course. And oh, yes, you have some adopted kids, too, like Puerto Rico, Hawaii, the Philippines, and so on. And now for our play. As the curtain rises, it is almost midnight of December 31st. An old man, 1941, is up in his room, packing his bag and ready to make his exit. Curtain music. Oh, Columbia. Columbia, will you come up here, please? What do you want, 41? Give me a hand with this packing, will you? Gotta get out of here before midnight and make room for the new tenant. Oh, yes, little 42 will be here any minute. Boy, am I a wreck. I'm glad I'm not a leap year. I couldn't stand another day. You're telling me? You didn't have stars in your beard. You toppled right over. I do look a little like a tripod. I can go along with a gag. Hey, where's Sam on Tim? Oh, in place. You know, he's in day. He sure has, like the way all your kids have pitched in and helped him, too. Here comes one of your boys now. Yeah, that's my fattest one. Hello, Texas. Hello, old timer. Hi, ma. My, my, look at the size of that boy. Yeah, get a little plump round El Paso. His Galveston could stand a little reducing, too, right? Fine boy, though. Hey, ma, have you seen Paul around? I got some new airfields to want to show him. Oh, he's out in the yard somewhere and he's madder than a hornet. I'll go look for him. See you later, ma. You know Columbia? I don't blame Sam for being so riled up. You mean about how little adopted daughter Lulu? Yep, Lulu. Burns me up, yes, thank you. There she was on a Sunday morning out in the yard picking pineapples, minding her own business. When a swarm of them darn yellow jackets flew in and stung her right in the back. That was a low down trick if I ever heard of one. Well, she's got plenty of flip there. Now let him come back. Hey, Columbia. Columbia, hand me some of that string music, will you? Might as well pack that. Take it along with me. Here you are. Thanks. Puts up wrong, turned on the ring the wrong. In a wrong love, wrong ass to it. Boy, am I sick of that. Well, I'll just pack it in here in the grip. You might as well take all these strikes and arguments with you, too. Yep, you won't be needing them for a while. No shrieking. Hey, old climber, come over here by the window. Look! I'll be darned there's that mad dog Adolf. Look at that bear chasing him. Is that a Russian bear? It ain't Carmichael. Look at him go. Oh, shut up, Benito. Who cares about you? You've got to be out of here before long. What time is it, Columbia? About three minutes to 12. Hmm, I better get finished up here. Oh, come on! Here comes Sam now. Hello, Uncle Sam. Ain't you gone yet? Nope, got about two more minutes. Now calm down, Sam. Don't get excited. Well, it's about time I got excited. When I think of what they're doing to my boy Manila. Well, I don't blame you. I'm going to kick the teeth out of them yellow devils. That's about all there is to them, isn't it? Well, Sam, I'll be leaving you pretty soon. The dog's going to look at that clock. You've got my duds together in time. Hmm, that's the first stroke of 12. Wonder what's keeping the new tenant. Little fella should be here by now. Don't worry, he'll show up. Now here's a little tip for you, Sam. Just keep your shirt on, but your sleeve rolled up. Everything will be all right. Well, when I think of what they did to Luna. Take it easy now. Take it easy. Hmm, time's a-fleeting. I can't leave till that little shaver gets here. That must be him now. Yeah. Come in. Well. Hello, young fella. You the little new year? To say that's wrong, I'm warned. That's good. You're going to need a sense of humor, kid. Come on in. Want to meet Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Glad to know you, folks. Hello, Sonny. Hiya, Bob. Make yourself at home. Well, son, I hope you brought some good things with you. You like staying in this house. It's minus home on the block. I'm glad to hear that. You better be moving along, old timer. I've got work to do. Yeah, might as well be moving along. Before I go, give a little advice. Take good care of here. And when he wants it, he don't fly off the hand. Damn call, darn pasty. He would take care of his friends and good neighbors, too. That's Dutch uncle. Put them in the old town. Look, they have to put out there in the house once you see that front gate. Oh, I forget. Uncle Sam's got a nephew named Franklin. That's taking mighty good care of the old boy. Ain't he, Sam? Yeah, darn tootin'. So keep an eye on him, son. Give him all the help he can. Franklin, huh? Well, I'll write that down. And as long as you're writing down names, here's another one for you. Put down Winston. Winston? Yep. Franklin and Winston. What are these two fellas' last names? Ain't necessary, son. Everybody knows them. Anyone else? Well, let's see. You can put down Chunkai Shek, nice fella. Believe me, he's just as tough as he is to pronounce. You know there's a lot more of them, but... Sam will give you the names later. Well, gotta be leavin'. So long, Sam. So long, old timer. Here we go. So long, 41. So long, Columbia. Keepin' flyin'.