 J.C.L.L.O. The Jell-O program, starring Jack Benny, with Abe Lyman and his orchestra coming to you from Radio City, New York. The orchestra opens the program with I double dare you. In the Jell-O program tonight, it comes to you from New York instead of from Hollywood. But there's no change in Jell-O with its six delicious flavors. Jell-O is always good wherever you have it, New York or Hollywood, North or South, at home or in a restaurant. You can count on Jell-O to be tops in goodness every time. For Jell-O brings you that special, extra-rich fruit flavor. A flavor as delicious as the fresh ripe fruit itself. That's why Jell-O tastes so grand. All six flavors are tempting and refreshing. All six colors are bright and gay. Just be sure to get genuine Jell-O when you buy. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. We bring you a man who traveled all the way from California to New York. That gypsy of the airwaves, Jack. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny, your little nomad talking. And Harry von Zell, I want to tell you right now how much I appreciate you helping me out tonight. It's a grand gesture. Oh, well, don't mention it, Jack. I only hope I'll be able to fill down Wilson's shoe. What is that? I said, I hope I can fill down Wilson's shoe. Oh, you can, Harry, but don't ever get into his pants without a compass. You should see that guy. Well, well, tell me, Jack, what kind of a trip did you have to New York? Did you fly in? No, no, Harry, I took one of those new streamlined trains and believe me, they are classy. I mean, they're the last word in luxury. Yeah, so I heard they tell me the service is marvelous. Oh, it is, although I think they overdo it a little bit. They do? Yes, I didn't mind when the conductor sent me gardenias. But when the porter took me in my berth and sang rock-a-bye, baby, I thought that was going too far. And the candy vendor was he Ritzy. He was Ritzy, eh? You should have heard him. He was on the aisle yelling candy, peanuts, popcorn, and annuities. I tell you, Harry, it's absolute, pardon me a minute. Hello? Who? No, I'm sorry, miss. Phil Harris didn't come to New York with me. What? No, I can't run home and get him. Goodbye. That's all I've heard from every girl in town. Phil Harris, Phil Harris. Well, anyway, Harry, it looks like we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. And I don't know whether you know it or not, but your boss, Fred Allen, is coming up here. Oh, he is? See, that's funny. He told me he was going to an egg roll. An egg roll? Well, maybe that's what he thinks this is. Hi, Jack, old boy. Welcome to New York. Oh, hello, Lyman. How are you? Little Lord Pauntleroy is with us. Hey, Harry, you know what Lyman did to me last summer in Hollywood? What? I was nice enough to invite him to my house for the weekend, and he put a shark in my swimming pool. He did? Yes. I thought it was a rubber one until I started missing toes. How do you like that for a trick? That was one of my best skates. Yeah. Well, look, Abe, just attend to your music tonight and keep away from me. Come in. Oh, how do you do? Greetings, Mr. Benny. I don't think we've ever met before. My name is Ripley. Oh, Bob Ripley. Believe it or not, man. Well, it was nice of you to drop in, Mr. Ripley. What can I do for you? Well, Jack, you know I'm always on the lookout for curiosities of all kinds. Yes, yes, yes. I never miss your program, your cartoons, either. What's on your mind? Well, I would just like to get a few angles on you and your work. Oh, oh, I see. Well, go right ahead. Now first, is it true that when you make a picture, you wear a silver fox to pay? Yes, but only on special occasions. As a rule, I wear a subdued fright wig, you know? Now another thing. You're a musician, aren't you? Yeah, around Carnegie Hall, I'm known as Yasha, there. Is it true that the strings on your violin were made of the tail of a wild cat who later committed suicide? Well, he didn't commit suicide, but he is wilder than ever, Bob. One more question, Jack. I see. I understand that you have been recently chosen as one of the best-dressed men in America. Is that right? Yes, I cannot deny that. Well, is that suit you're wearing now a sample of your taste in clothes? Well, of course, don't go by this. This is just a little lounging outfit. Oh, you mean you look better if you were lying down. Yes, but it isn't fair to judge me by this suit. Really, Mr. Ripley, you'd love my soup and fish. Oh, I see. You cook, too. I was talking about my formal attire. Are there any more questions? No, believe it or not, I think I've got all I need. Thanks very much. You're welcome. Would you like a picture of me, Mr. Ripley? Not unless you've got three arms. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, well, Harry, Ripley seems to be a nice chap, although his questions were rather embarrassing. Now, what would I do with three arms? Well, you could play your violin and hold your nose at the same time. I could also punch you in the eye with that one. Well, let's get on with the show. And now, folks, our conductor, Abraham Lyman, will play What's It Gonna Be, Abe? Here, it's written in this little book. Open it and read it. Why don't you read it yourself? If I could read, I'd get my own program. Oh, that's right, huh? Go ahead and open it. OK. Ouch! My finger. I knew I'd get you with that mousetrap gag. Fine, I had to come to New York for that. Now, play your number and leave me alone. OK. Mr. has changed a little. I see some new faces in there. Yes, Jack, and I'd like to have you meet some of the boys. This is my first violinist, Michie the Mug. Oh, oh, hello, Michie. Hi, it's good. And Jack, this is my piano player, Michien Gunstakowski. My, what name? Say, Abe, who's that new saxophone player over there? You mean Butch? Yes, yes. I noticed he was scribbling on a piece of paper all during the last number. Now, what was that for? Well, every month he has to write a letter to the parole board. That's sweet of him to remember. Say, Harry, that's a nice bunch of boys Abe has here. Yes, they are. They all came in calf, which they drove. Oh. Hi, Jack, since I am taking Don Wilson's place here, is it all right if I say my little piece now? Oh, sure, Harry. Go right ahead. I've been waiting there. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for an economical dessert, be sure and go to your nearest grocer and ask for a package of jello for heaven's sake. Jello for heaven's sake. It comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, cherry, and strawberry. What happened to lemon and lime? Oh, yes. Lemon, lime, strawberry, raspberry, and cherry. Now orange has disappeared. Look, let it go, will you please? Oh, no, oh, no. So insist on genuine jello. Look for the big red letters on the orange. That's on the box. Poor Don Wilson. I bet he collapsed in front of his radio. Oh, well, thanks anyway, Harry. You tried. Well, what do we do now, Jack? Well, Harry, if I was in Hollywood right now doing this program just about this time, Mary would walk in and say, hello, everybody. Hello. Why, Kate, smith, you little lightsaber. Well, Kate, you couldn't have walked in at a more opportune time. Am I glad to see you? I'm glad to see you, too, Jack. Are you having a good time in New York? Oh, wonderful. Kate, you know Harry von Zell. Oh, sure. Hello, Harry. Glad to see you, Kate. And this is our temporary maestro, Abe Lyman. Yes, I've met Mr. Lyman before. Sure. Hello, smithy. Abe, don't mind him, Kate. He's a little on the rough side. That's all right. We'll get along all right, Jack. Hiya, slat. Well, I'm glad you're taking it the right way. And I must tell you how much I've enjoyed your programs, Kate. They've been grand. Thank you, Jack. By the way, Mary told me that as soon as I saw you, to give you her love, and a great big kiss. How about Phil Harris? There you go, just like the rest of them. No, Kitty, what do all you girls see in Phil? Well, he's handsome, charming, suave. Debonair. Debonair? Why, Abe, where'd you learn that word, huh? Well, I was reading a book one day and stubbed my eye on it. I thought so. Well, anyway, Kate, how about that kiss Mary wanted me to give you? Now, come on, come on, Kate. None of your lip, Benny. All right, but you don't know what you're missing. You know, Kate, I'm a leading man in Hollywood. Well, I'll see you there sometime. Today, you can always find me on Vine Street right in front of the Owl drug store. Say, I meant to tell you, Jack, Mary sent me a letter yesterday, and it's all about you. Do you want to hear it? Oh, no, don't bother. Yeah, let's hear it, Kate. Come on. Oh, it's probably nothing. Well, here it is anyhow. Dear Kate. I'm glad to hear that you're taking my place. But as this is the first time you've ever worked with Jack, there are some things that every girl should know. It starts out bad there. If Jack asks you out to dinner and tells you there's a marvelous floor show at the automat, don't fall for it. Isn't that awful? However, if you do go out to a nightclub with Jack and he asks you to dance with him, say no, as he'll want to roll up his pants and do the minuet. That's very funny there. Give my love to all, and I'll be sitting in front of my radio waiting for your song. That's a sweet ending, anyway. Well, Kate, you are going to sing a number for us, aren't you? You bet I am. Would you like to hear, this time it's real? Yes, sir. Abe, give Miss Smith a melodious background with feeling, harmony, and a nice, smooth rhythm. Oh, you mean I should be debonair? Yes, and tell your guitar player to put his shoes on. Sing, Kate, debonair, yes. Sung by Kenny, sung by Kate Smith, accompanied by debonair and his orchestra. And, Kate, I must say that you're saying just as good for jello as you do for Calumet baking powder and swans down cake flour. Gee, a double feature there, huh? You know, Kate, I would like to reciprocate in some way. Is there anything I can do for you while I'm in town? Oh, no, Jack, thanks just the same. But you've been so sweet, Kate, I insist. Well, all right. If it'll make you any happier, you can buy me an ermine wrap. Well, I'll do that. And now, hey, wait a minute, you mean real ermine? Well, Kate, I'd run right out and buy you one, except today is Sunday and every place is closed. I can get one of my boys to open the store for you. Don't worry about it, Kate. I'll make up for it some way, you know. Oh, pardon me. Hello, Kenny. It's Kenny Baker. Well, Kenny, how are you, kid? What? No, no, Kenny. She's not taking your place. Look, Kate Smith is a star on her own program. What? Why doesn't she stay on it? Now, Kenny. I'm sorry, Kate. Now, listen, Kenny, I don't want to discuss it with you any further. I'll see you when I get home. What? Yes, yes, I'll bring you one. Now, hang up. Goodbye. What a kid. What does he want? Oh, the little copycat. He wants an ermine wrap, too. I hope what he said didn't offend you, Kate. Oh, no. I think he's one of the cutest little brats in the world. Yeah. Good evening, Mr. Berry. Were you looking for me? Yes, Rochester, just a minute. Well, goodbye, Kate. And thanks again so much. Thank you, Jack. So long, and it's been a pleasure. You're welcome. Well, Rochester, I haven't seen you since we got off the train four days ago. Where were you? I've been weekendin' up in Harlem. We had a gin barbecue. I had to do all my own unpacking. What do you think I brought you along for? You didn't say. It's supposed to be working for me, and you spent all your time in Harlem. Suppose you went to all the hot spots. There ain't no cool ones there. Look, Rochester, go right over to the Waldorf Astoria and straighten up my suite. Did you move from the YMCA? Rochester, I just went there for a swim. Now, run along. What do you say, Sean? I wonder if I could have an advance on my salary. Look, I already gave you an advance. I want something in advance of that. It's $5. Could you, uh, $8.50, what for? I promised to buy my gal a sun lamp. Giving Tuesdays, I'll be sure to be up at my hotel. But, gentlemen, I'm certainly surprised to see so many of you in here. It's not raining outside, is it? No, it's not raining, Fred. These people are all here to see me. And you're not, uh, giving away dishes or anything? No, sir, it's just me. Now, look, Jack, you couldn't draw a crowd as big as this if you were a gutter on New Year's Eve. Now, listen, Fred, you're here to work, so take off your coat and let's go. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Before we start this punchin' Benny show, there's something we've got to straighten out right now. What's that, Fred? I'm not going to open my mouth on this program, except to yawn, until you give me what you promised me. What I promised you? You know, don't play possum, Benny. Now, hand over that Boy Scout knife. I knew you'd remember that. All right, here it is. Wait till I take the chain off. I want the knife chain and everything that goes with it. Oh, I suppose you even want this else to. No, you can put that back in your mouth. Well, here's the knife, Fred. Take it and consider our deal closed. Now, wait a minute, you're not rushing me into this. I want to see if it's in good condition first. Ah, here's the big blade, here's the corkscrew, here's a fingernail file, there's the ping-pong paddle, there's the bottle opener. Hey, what's this thing here? That's a folding bed. Are you satisfied? Well, I guess it's all right. Say, Jack, have you, uh, my mood changes here. I see. Jack, have you, uh, have you? Well, the strips can go from now on, I say. It's too late, it should have gone before. Have you been having, have you been having a good time in New York? Have you seen any shows or anything? Yes, Fred, I saw the Ed Wynn show, that was swell. I saw a George M. Cone show, that was grand. And then I saw your picture. Well. Well, what about it? Nothing, Fred, but if you got paid for that picture and I think you did, you should split 50-50 with Sandy Claus. Now, look, Jack, if you were referring to that screen triumph, Sally, Irene and Alan, that picture. That picture? The studio forgot to put me in it. I just put myself in it. That picture is funnier than Don Wilson thinks you are. Is that so? Do you ever hear yourself enjoy you? No, but I'm having my mirror wired for sound. I'll get around. You're jealous, that's what's the matter with you. Yeah, that's why I made a picture last year called Artisan Models, that was a sensation. I got 85 belly laughs. I'll say you did. You should have pulled in your stomach too, it was terrible. My stomach had nothing to do with it, it was my performance. And at least I photographed well. Oh, I suppose I didn't. Listen, Fred, I saw a sweepstake winner in a newsreel yesterday that looked better than you did. And he was selling fish at the time. Artisan Models, what were you in that celluloid omelet? An artist or a model? I was an easel, Smarty. An easel? Yes. Look in a weasel, play an easel. Now listen, Fred, just out of a swell twist, we should have said a schlemiesel, that would have fixed it. Yeah, it would have been better here, yes. It would have helped here. Well, might as well do it now, as long as we're here. Now listen, Fred, listen. Shall I slice him down, Mr. Benny? Never mind, Rochester. Oh, now wait a minute, who is this swarmy here? Swarmy? I'm Mr. Benny's butler. Butler, hey? Well, listen to me, you Ethiopian jeevs. One more word out of you, and you'll be butling in a shroud. Don't let him scare you, Rochester. I ain't scared. That's the stuff. Wait a minute. What is a shroud? A shroud, my untutored friend, is a windbreaker for a ghost. Oh, I'll make way for a coward. Yes, there. You see, Fred, now I'll probably have to get a new butler. Well, hello there, Fred. Well, Harry von Zell, what are you doing over here in the enemy's camp? Well, I came here to help Jack out tonight. He needed an announcer. Oh, is he going to pay you? Certainly not. He's doing it as a favor. Of course, I will buy him a necktie or something, Fred. What do you mean something? Something cheaper and shut up. Well, I thought so. Benny, you're so tight, you've not only got the first dollar you ever earned, you've got the guy's right arm that handed it to you. Well, it was loose. Now, let me tell you something, Alan. Let me tell you. Hey, play it out, fellas. You're upsetting me. Oh, are we bothering you, Abe? Yes, we are. Yeah, why don't you two guys be debonair? Debonair. If you say debonair once more, I'm going to ask you what it means. Now, wait a minute. He's not saying debonair. He's got a ventriloquist with him. He's not. But what you're going to ask him what it means, will you know if his answer is correct? Don't worry about me, Fred. I know plenty of big words. Now, listen, you itinerant buffoon. The only big word you know is your right name. Well, what if I did reduce it a little? My right name wasn't so long. It wasn't, eh? While your name was so long, it took 15 minutes to write it in shorthand. And then they had to send the pencil to the Mayo Brothers to recuperate. You should talk. When you were in Vaudeville, they had to put your right name on a rubber marquee. That's Balkanized Slander, Benny. Why, you weather-beaten gargoyle. Hold on there, Mr. B. I'll throw you out of here so fast you look like a jockey on a skyrocket. Now, you've gone too far, Benny. One more crack and I'll hit you on top of the head so hard you can tie your shoes with your teeth. Oh, you will, eh? Yes, I will. I'm taking my Boy Scout knife and getting out of here. That's fine. Thanks for coming over, you town-hall Buddha. You're welcome. You walk-heagun whippersnapper. Goodbye. Fine guy. I'm nice enough to invite him up here. What do I get? Hey, Jack. What is it, eh? Here's your knife back. My knife? How'd you get it away from Allen? My flute player bumped into him. Oh, boy, that's marvelous. Thanks, eh? You want his watch, too? Never mind. Never mind. Let's play, eh? So the crowning touch to a good meal is the dessert, the happy ending. Well, that's where Jello comes in, the happy ending for any meal. For Jello looks so festive and tastes so delicious, it makes the ideal dessert for any occasion. And Jello is quick and easy to prepare. Serve it perfectly plain, if you like, a clear, glowing mold of Jello, or garnish it with whipped cream, fruit, or nut meats. It's grand, no matter how you serve it. But remember, only Jello brings you that delicious, extra-rich fruit flavor. Don't accept any substitutes. Get the real thing, the one and only genuine Jello. For the 26th program of the New Jello series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time broadcasting from Hollywood, California. And I want to thank Harry Bonzell, Bob Ripley, Kate Smith, Abe Lyman, and Fred Allen for their cooperation. It was a grand gesture. And now, folks, we... Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Is the program over yet? Just about. Say, how did you get to New York anyhow? And I hope I land pretty soon. Oh, good night, folks. Who is taken from sunny? This is the National Broadcasting Company.