 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com, and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today, our topic, how to get him thinking about you all the time. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, you like the content, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony, very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a, you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. And based on the questions you ask, I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group. Okay, we're gonna talk about what makes a guy think about you all the time. So interesting, in the last couple of weeks, I've gotten three calls from prospective clients who have been with guys who have come on strong and they have completely disappeared. And so, and they literally thought this guy was the one. They thought this was the one that's gonna go the distance. This is the guy that's thinking about me all the time, okay? And then I've gotten, I think it was, I think seven calls in the last three weeks, one client got married, two clients got engaged and another four clients have told me that they're in great relationships and they know the difference. So I'm really excited about that because there's a big difference between the person that comes on strong and the person that's actually gonna go the distance with you, that guy that's going to think about you all the time. And I think it's important to address first and I'm gonna tell you, the fundamental difference between the two of these dynamics is trust, is trust. Listen, I gotta move my camera just a little bit. Is trust. In the first examples, there was no trust built. In the other examples, there was a significant amount of trust built. And in a few minutes, I'll be talking about how to build trust because trust is what's going to make someone think about you all the time. I mean, it's not these magic things of, I mean, sure, there's respect and appreciation and acceptance, all of those things, but at the end of the day, trust is what's gonna make a person think about you all the time. And trust is really something is really about, does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my feelings? And I started to think, why is it that women are falling for this love bombing? Why are women falling for the guys that come on strong? Why does this happen? And oftentimes you blame the men and I wanna say something to you ladies, you have to take personal responsibility for your actions in this equation. Now, I know you're thinking to myself, well, I'm the exception to the rule. No, this happens so frequently. It's just like I see the patterns happening over and over and over again. And I believe the reason why you buy into the love bombing is because most of you have been indoctrinated in the fantasy of a relationship, the fantasy of what it's supposed to be like. And men and women view relationships radically different. I'll be candid with you. Men, women tend to look at it as the security within their life. And men oftentimes see it as a restriction of freedom, those men who are not ready to be in relationship. This is why one of the reasons why they come on strong because they've been bitten by the bug of limerence. And limerence means extreme infatuation, extreme infatuation. And what happens is that turns into lust. So they're literally extremely infatuated with you based on most likely your physical appearance or some familiar thing from their childhood. So there's something about within their childhood you seem familiar to them that relates to one or both of their parents. It's a behavior, it's an action that's happened between you. And oftentimes it's a completely unknown to each person. And so what happens is this limerence then turns into lust and they come on strong because chemistry is the leading factor of beginning a relationship. And if you're not familiar with my, oh, did I bring it? Oh, I did bring it. Okay. All right, my book just fell. If you're brand new to my channel, I wanna share this if you're a repeat person, you're gonna just give me a second to explain this. You see the tip, this is called the relationship iceberg. And you see the tip of the iceberg is chemistry and the word attraction is listed here. What's below the waterline is compatibility with shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you start to check these boxes, the attraction level begins to increase and trust is built in the relationship. And I'll talk about how to build trust in a moment. But I wanna come back to this idea of the fantasy many of you have bought an into and you're being sold this by other dating coaches as well, primarily female dating coaches. They talk about the exception that's happened in their life and they're not actually looking at the rule and they're not actually understanding male human behavior. So I wanna come back to this limerence. And lust, what's happened is is a chemicals being released in a man's brain that makes him think he's totally into you. And then he starts doing things like cutting, pasting you into his life. My friend, Allison Armstrong calls it cut and pasting. I call it trying on for size. And what that means is he might say all these things to see how you'd fit into his life. And there's a big difference between that and actual real trust being built. Real trust is built through intimacy. Into me you see, actually seeing into each other on an intimate level. This is why ladies, if you follow my work, you know I'm gonna say this repeatedly before you have sexual relations with a man, before you actually have sex with a man, you may wanna consider purchasing the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And why you wanna consider purchasing this book is because, and this is really critically important, the reason why you wanna purchase this book is it actually slows the process down. Because what I didn't say a moment ago, and I'll explain this in a little bit deeper in a moment. What I didn't explain is, when the guy is cutting, pasting you in his life and that chemical release in his brain makes him think he's into, the minute he has physical contact with you, the minute he has sex with you, all of a sudden all those chemicals disappear. And what's left is basically a barely a fledgling relationship. And yet so much promise has been made by the man, so much promise has been made by a man. The pendulum has swung so far this way that he literally goes the other direction to get his own equilibrium. This is one of the reasons why men, if they come on strong, disappear just as quickly. And many of you think it's just because they're chasing sex. And that's not actually what's happening, is most of the time these men are completely unaware. They're completely unaware that this is actually happening to them. So first, I want you to know something. I know this is very difficult for many of you to hear. I want you to understand is most men are good guys. They're not actually doing this intentionally to hurt you. I'm gonna repeat that. Most men are good guys and they're not doing this to actually intentionally to hurt you. They're doing this because they're completely unaware of what's really going on. And that's because these days, sadly in the dating realm, we're meeting total strangers. We are meeting people whom we don't know. And it's very, and so what happens is when you have this continual communication going on, you think you're actually getting to know someone and he's sharing all his intimate aspects of his life. You're not actually building the deep roots of trust that makes a man think about you all the time. It's really important to understand this. And sadly, because so many women give their power away to men in the relationship, meaning you've been told to sit back in your feminine energy and let the guy do all the leading. Well, guess what? Why is the number one search term for women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men disappear? Why are men emotionally unavailable? Why is those three the top search term for women in relationships? If these men, if all you have to do is sit back in your feminine and let him claim you. Sure, that makes sense if you're dealing with truly emotionally healthy men. But if you follow my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, by the way, this is not a fact and it's an opinion. I'm talking about relationship skills. I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues. And while I stayed here, 20% of the population is emotionally healthy. That's being generous. Most everybody is dysfunctional and yourself included because most of you are talking to strangers and you don't know how to build emotional intimacy. This is why I wanna talk about two more books really quickly is the book Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. By the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend. What you should know about the people you don't know. You can't build trust with somebody over a couple telephone calls and a couple first dates. It requires what I'm about to share with you in a second to actually build the deeper roots of trust. And if you're not familiar with the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking this out as well. By the way, I feel like my energy is negative. I apologize. I wanna apologize that it's coming across negative. By the way, my t-shirt says life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around a bit while you'll miss out, Ferris Bueller and my coffee mug today says coffee tastes better which then when shared, that's what I'm really getting at. How do we build that deeper roots of trust in relationship? Because that's what's good. Listen, when you feel trust, and I want you to think about this for a moment. Trust is not about fidelity. We oftentimes think about, can I trust this person isn't sleeping with someone else? Trust has more to do with, does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? In other words, can I trust this person with my emotions, with my feelings? Can I truly trust this person? And again, in that beginning stage, when you think you've shared so much, you barely know one another. This is why I say this before and I say it again. It takes roughly about 100 hours of face to face time, face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. And this is how trust is gonna be built because it's not built through the telephone. It's not built through the telephone. Think about this for a moment. Think of the hundreds of hundreds of telephone calls you've made in your life, maybe thousands. And maybe some of them have lasted one, two, or three hours. Can you remember every single detail about every phone call you've ever made? Or even some of the details about a phone call you've ever made? Or maybe even a little detail about a phone call that you made even three days ago. Can you remember that? Can you remember? At least I'm gonna share it from a personal experience. I remember the time my girlfriend and I went to Chicago. I remember the time we went to New York. I remember the time we went to Vancouver. I remember the time we walked to the Hollywood sign. I remember the Burning Man party we went to. I remember the weddings we've been to. I remember all of the experiences. And when you think about the good memories you have within a relationship, when you're actually building memories with someone, that's what builds, that's part of building the roots of trust. And then there's another critical important, and you have to stick around to understand this because this is critically important to build trust. But going back to those activities, those memories, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, doing things together, that's how you build trust. If you speak to anybody who's been married 10, 15, 20, 30 years, happily married. I mean, genuinely happily married. Do you know they all say the same thing? I married my best friend. I married my best friend. When you think about it, think about right now in this moment. Can you think about one of your best friends? I can think of three or four right now. I think about them all the time. I care about their well-being. And how did those friendships get built? Well, it wasn't really over the telephone. It was going to parties. It was going to events. It was going to bars like I did in my 20s with a group of my friends. It was all those road trips we went on. And it's the same for you, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. But Jonathan, I'm in a long-distance relationship. Well, long-distance relationships are really tough to build the deep roots unless you have a real game plan together. You have a real game plan together. It's going to be very difficult to build the roots of trust. I mean, a real plan to see each other on a regular basis. And the telephone, men don't bond through the telephone. I can only think of one phone call in my life that actually stood out amongst all the others. It was the phone call I got the day my son passed away when my ex-wife called me and told me that the paramedics were there. And then 15 minutes later to tell me he had passed away. That's a memory that's seared in my brain. All my coaching calls, all my other calls that I've ever had in my life, I don't have any memory of it. So I'm here to say, if you really want to build the deeper roots of trust, it's gonna, and by the way, you may want to check out this book. How to build trust in a relationship. It's a little tiny book. How to build trust. It's a tiny little example. But ultimately, trust is built, as I said before, when that friendship is built, when you actually can care about each other as much as you care about yourself and this critical piece. Trust is also built in the storms of a relationship, in the conflict in a relationship. One of the fundamental pieces to build trust is can you resolve conflicts together? Do you have the communication skills to actually hear the other person when there is a difference of opinion? Do you have active listening skills? By the way, do you mutually have active listening skills? Do you mutually know how to listen and accept the other person's point of view as being true for them? Because if you don't know how to resolve conflict, trust isn't going to be built. This is why I recommend checking out this. Another tiny book called Couples Communication Guide to Love and Happiness. And I highly recommend checking out the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. If you're not reading this book, you will not know how to build trust. And I know ladies, you think you're so good at communicating. But I can tell you, most women aren't any better than men at communicating their feelings. You might, here's the thing. Women have a propensity to say 10,000 words to what men say 500 words. So you see that differentiation as you communicate more than men. All you do is vomit a lot of information and we're sitting there trying to figure out what the heck you're saying. And then you judge us as being the bad communicators. Just because you can throw out 1,000 words in a second doesn't mean you're actually any better at communicating. This takes a lot of work and practice. And I know this because so many women come to my private coaching for help on communication skills. By the way, there's a link below to check out a free discovery call with me, the seeing of working with a coach is right for you. All right, what's it gonna take for him to think about you all the time? You better build trust in the relationship and you better understand that lust or limerence, or limerence which leads to lust is usually a recipe for disaster. There's an old saying, men are the gas, women are the brakes. And here's the thing. And I know many of you are afraid to do this but I'm gonna tell you, it's worth your wild. Is to slow down the process. You only will scare away the wrong guy. And what I mean by slowing down the process is asking way better questions right from the get go. And there's one more book I want you to check out. It's called, I Hear You, the Surprisingly Simple Skills Behind Extraordinary Relationships. I highly recommend this, checking this out because ladies, you are the gatekeepers to building trust. Men just wanna listen, men hyper focus on chemistry and it's imperative for you to hyper focus on compatibility. Do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable? And does this man and or woman have the emotional maturity to be in a healthy or happy relationship? And if this isn't, if these roots haven't been set, he ain't gonna be thinking about you all the time, maybe for the sex, but not for what matters most and that's the heart. And that's my invitation for all of you. So make a promise to me going forward that you're gonna lean into understanding that real trust is built through compatibility, through shared values, to blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and not through the chemical bug of chemistry. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Am I making a difference? Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video. Hit that thumbs up, share this with friends because I'd like to get this message because a lot of you are hearing really bad advice that's centered on the exceptions and not what's happening today. And that's what I invite for you all. All right, I think this will be a place, a great place to wrap up this video today. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pat, a teddy bear pillow. Here's a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.