 Good afternoon. Welcome to Finding Happiness in Hard Times. I think we've got a good show for you today. I'm certainly looking forward to it. Today, I'm going to reach back in the past and talk to a good friend of mine who I haven't seen for over 50 years in person. But we've been emailing recently and talking recently and he's agreed to come on the show. I'd like to introduce and welcome my good friend, Al Paul to the show. Al, great to have you. Thanks for having me, Ken. And I just want to let your audience know that we met up in Alaska 1967. I was a brand new second lieutenant and you took me under your wings and you were a great mentor and teacher. And I can never thank you enough for what you did for me up there and protected me from all the people up there. It was my pleasure, Al. But I just want you to know that the skills that you showed me, I used for many, many years with my law students and I can't thank you enough for that. Well, I have to tell the audience, Al has had a really spectacular career. I mean, he went from being an officer in the army to being a lawyer for many years and then to being a judge and I'm in awe of that. We both as a psychologist, of course, I deal with people that have many troubles, but I think Al has me beat in there when you come to the courtroom and see so many people who are not only in trouble but angry, angry itself and angry at their partner, especially for hanging, handling something like divorce or inheritance problems and cases. And Al has done a spectacular job and I'm sure I've reached many more people than I have. So, well, I may have been his mentor for a few short years in Alaska. He's been my idol for a long time and the stuff that he's done and helped people. We'll get into that. Let's talk a little bit about putting this in with the past programs. Now, the past programs, we've tried to deal with the negativity that the coronavirus and all the other negative things that have been happening in the world, the mass shootings, the war, climate change and all that. And so for the past number of months, we've been really focusing on battling negativity with positivity. We've been looking at the joys that people had and they've been sharing that with the audience and with us. And that's a way to really get people out of that paralysis that negativity puts us in. But the thing is, this is not an easy thing. Finding happiness is easier said than done. And I know it's been difficult for a lot of people and it's been difficult for Al and his family. And I want to really start talking about that because when Alan and I talked about this and I asked him about how the lockdown at the last three years had sort of affected him and his family. And he said, well, it doesn't really affect us much at all because we have been in lockdown a long time. So, and I think that's a good place to start. Can we tell us a little bit about, you know, how long you've been in lockdown and how that happened. Okay. In 1979, July 21st, my son was born. His name was Danny. A very healthy 9, 23 inch baby boy. My wife and I are tall so we kind of know he was going to be a big one. But unfortunately, yeah, this is about three months after he was born, we noticed that he did not move. And we took him to pediatrician and he said, yeah, it's not normal. I'm going to send you to a very prominent pediatric neurologist from Mayo Clinic. And we went to see him. And he examined me and did a EC test. And came out and told us this. Now we're sitting there with a four month old perfect baby boy. And he said, your son is spinal muscular action. And no cure. And life expectancy is two to four years. And walked out of the room. Two minutes. And we're sitting there going, the world just ended. And what happened there after is for three years, I was very depressed. My wife and my son handled it better than I did. Now when we got home, my wife just said, well, this is what we got. There's nothing about it. We're going to enjoy every day, month, year, no matter how long he lives. And for three years, I was, I just was shocked. I didn't know. The one day one of my colleagues, Jim Alex, which recently passed away. This is quite a story. He used to give me a ride home because I was so young. And we're leaving the loop in Chicago and we have to go over a river. And he knows I can't swim. And he was a great swimmer. He says, Al, you've got to snap out of this. You're not doing yourself any good. We had to end the end of your life in good. So he pulls, stops over the top on the bridge over Chicago road. He goes behind the side of the door, opens the door. He sees Al, you've got to trust him. Get on that bridge and jump off or go home and take care of him. You're not doing him any good. You're not doing yourself any good. So he entered the world of realtions, constant infections, two years probably out of his first six, but we were at Children's Memorial Hospital with pneumonia and touch and go as to whether or not he would make it. The second phase of it happened in 1986, which is when I was elected judge. One month to the day later, a Friday after Thanksgiving, he arrested and was dead. We revived him. He took him to Children's Memorial and he trained him because he couldn't breathe anymore. And from November 1986 to today, the first day of summer of 2023, I've been with Danny every day of time because he's a quadriplegic, not a ventilator, and it's 24-7. And thereafter, the journey began. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, we have to take care of him. But the one thing that Jimmy told me was, enjoy being, and that's where I came to bridge with it because then he's got 165 IQ. He's a joy. He's fun. He's got a will to live like nobody I know. He almost died in 2011. He almost died in 2019. But he is my best friend and he is a great source of joy to me because he's humorous. He's hysterical. He's funny. And it's intellectually so good that he's always coming up with great things to say and great one-liners. You know, at night we have our two hours of boys. I pull the computer over. I do his emailing because he has no use of his hands. I put him on the bedpan. And his emails are hysterical. Ken, as you know, he sends you some. And he's my best friend. And because of that, and as Jimmy told me, I'll take one day at a time. We don't know if you get tomorrow. And that was my, I had to discover myself and I had to discover what I had to do in order to get joined back into my life. Well, yeah, I have to tell the audience that ever since Al and I reconnected, which was a number of years ago, we've been emailing because I haven't been able to get back to Chicago and Al and Danny haven't been able to get to Hawaii. But I emailed to both Danny and Al. They have a joint email account. So over the years, I feel that Danny is my friend, just as Al is my friend. I hope that Danny feels that way about me because I certainly feel that. He said all the emails he gets, you're the cleverest. You're absolutely the best writer we get. You really should write the great American novel. Well, that's very nice of me to say. And I really appreciate both Al and Danny a lot. And it's always, sometimes when you're emailing, you have to email not only business people, but friends. But it's always a joy emailing Danny and Al. And that has gotten me a little bit into their world. And Al has given us some indication of that. Maybe you could just before we go on and to talk about, you've already mentioned one of three things that bring you joy. Because I asked Al at the beginning of the show, I said, tell me the things that bring you joy. And he said three things. Danny brings me joy. Bicycling brings me joy. And certain parts of my job as a judge brings me joy. So, and we've got three things to talk about. And he's already given us a little bit about his, you know, his feelings toward Danny, but maybe just a little bit more because I, you know, one of the things that has struck me doing shows during the coronavirus is that so many people are alone. You know, they've been separated from people that they really care about. And you and Danny have not been separated. You've been walking down this difficult road, not only difficult for you, but recently difficult for the whole world, which really adds to things. But the two of you are doing this hand-in-hand, you know, you're in, and that's amazing. And that's, that's got to be incredible. So if you could talk a little bit more about that is, because so many people out there have been alone during the lockdown and are still not reconnected or, you know, close to somebody like you are close to Danny, maybe you could give us, give us a little bit more of that. And then maybe we can go in and talk about bicycling, which is another area that I really love. I know that it has brought me joy and a lot of my friends joy. And I'm anxious to hear about your experiences there too. But first, if you can give us a little bit more about you and Danny. Yeah, because the situation is, is that we literally can't go out. You know, a joke in the neighborhood is whenever you go to see the polls, you don't have to worry about them not being home. Because 40% of my house is a hospital. You know, it's the lifts and the ventilators and the suction machines and the vibrator that keep us chest open. And we're always home. So our sphere of friends is diminished because, you know, we can't socialize because all day, the day is just filled with this treatment is feeding, which takes a long time because you can only open up with knots very little and you have to give small bites. And we have to move them around so he doesn't get bed sores. So we've been in lockdown from day one. I mean, we had masks and gloves and there were all hand sanitizers in 1986. It was called soap and water in those days. So we're always home. We don't go anywhere. So we have to make our own fun. And consequently, that's why Danny and I are so close. And I'll tell you two great quips that he gave me. One time he gets frustrated when I email a type for him because I'm the world's worst hour. So one day he was disgusted and he says, how did you get through college? And the other one, he was frustrated again with me because I wasn't doing something right is, you know, if I owned a company, I wouldn't hire you. So that's the sort of relationship he and I have is that, I mean, he's just incredibly smart. But we have to make our own fun because we can't go anywhere. Tell us a little bit about that. I mean, you have, you know, and I think a lot of parents would be envious of the fact that you and Danny talk so much, you know, a lot of the parents that I know, they say, you know, my kid never talks to me, you know, you know, it's very frustrating, but you guys talk all the time. Can you tell us a little bit about some of the things that you and you and Danny enjoy talking about? For instance, I know that you guys are sort of experts. We talked about tennis and, you know, not only the connection to Chicago, but to Poland. We have the best female tennis player in the world is from Poland now. So tell us a little bit about that. Yeah, our conversations are basically about sports. A lot of it deals with his medical conditions and is the insurance company going to pay. We always have to deal with whether or not, you know, the biggest thing we have every end of the month that's just coming up now at the end of June is how many nurses are we going to have in July? You know, we already know there's going to be one for the fourth of July. So we have our two hours of boy talk. No women. Mom has to go to her bedroom. We turn out of music and the thing with Danny is this. He's right, but he also knows for the rest of his life. He has to get along with people. He has people skills that are unbelievable. I mean, he's had nurses for 36 years, 34 years, 31 years, 29 years. The one that was here today has been with him 34 years. She refers to herself as the Jewish mother to my Catholic son. So, and consequently, because of the limitations that we have, you know, he's not a ventilator. He can't go anywhere. I mean, when we take him like to the dentist or if we every once in a while we take him to a movie, we need either a respiratory therapist or a nurse or we can't go. You've got to take the ventilator. You've got to lift up and the lift down and you have to put the vests on. And consequently, I am so happy that we show up so well. And he truly is my best friend. And we have a wonderful, wonderful relationship and his outlook on life is much better than mine. And he is a survivor and as much as I love him, I respect him even more. He's just a terrific human being. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Let's get to the bicycling. I had my bike behind me over here. And because of the mentoring and teaching skills that you taught me up at Murphy Dome, I mentor new judges that I have been for 18 years. I've done 10. I just got done with one and I did law students for since 1992. And one of the things he did is that he has taught me wonderful people skills in order to get along with people. So the last judge I mentor, we needed a lot of mentoring. We just needed a lot of help. And I think because having a child like Danny and emptying a bedpan every night, you get humble. And the one thing you taught me again was always be a good listener. And people would express to me. And because of what I went through, I think I'm much more sensitive to people who are also having problems. And I'm a better listener. And I'm the evocular uncle or as I used to refer to myself, I'm Judge Valium. I'm like a soft sofa. Judge Valium, I like that. I like that phrase. Well, and he bought me a $900 bike. He's a very wealthy kid. Other reason. And you can take gifts from judges. You can't take gifts from lawyers. And he and I will be friends forever. I mean, he still calls me and I have a battery in two years. So that is some skills. And the biking for me is my therapy. I haven't had any alcohol in 30 years. I still like to have mine, but even though I'm given my ethnicity, we're noticed for biking it. But so I get up early in the morning. I ride my bike. I'm very competitive. I'm not out there cruising around. I'm going higher. And I can still do 16 miles an hour. So and it is, there's a difference between loneliness and solitude. And that bicycle gives me some solitude. And it gives you the, I think what's it called? End of horse. That, you know, you get, you feel better. Your, your, your blood's flowing. And you sleep better at night. So that bicycling is very important to me. I ride it all year around. If it's 120 heat index, like it was here today in Chicago, I ride. It's 35 degrees below when chill. Can you see my picture with the icicles and my mustache? So that's my therapy. That's my other sense of joy. Wow. Yeah, I wish we could show the audience one of those pictures because I love it with you in the bicycle and piles of snow behind you. And that is, you know, that's something that I've never experienced. We did a lot of bicycling when I first came to Hawaii. We did a lot of bicycling around. Most of the islands and it was. Truly a. Yeah. A personal high. And interestingly you talk because most of it's with the, my friends groups of people that were. You know, we were traveling around and camping out as we biked around the islands, but a couple of times I did it alone. And I'm not a fast bicycler like you are. I'm one of those people that sort of lollygag around and travel around the islands and the ocean and things like that. But this one day. I had to get back to work. This was in the 1970s. And we were on Maui. And we were out at Tana. And I had to get back and in those days we had. A fairy. Which we don't have between islands anymore and then the fairy was wonderful because. You could take your bicycle aboard. And you didn't have to rent a car when you got to the island. You could take your bicycle and bicycle off the boat. The ship. And take off. And so. I had to get back there. I had to leave the group and to get back from Hanna. To where we were going out of Kihei. To get to the boat. We had to do it. I had to get up like it. I think it was five in the morning I got up. And it was just me. And traveling along the Hanna highway. And I had to go flat out, you know, very few times. Have I experienced something like you experience all the time. Where I'm going flat out. And going around those curves and everything it was just. It's hard to describe it's incredible high. And I'm just going for everything and. And everybody's still asleep. You know, and I'm all alone. And. You know, and I'm bicycling through the middle of the island as the sun's coming up and I just thought. Wow, this is. One of the, yeah, Nirvana. It's, it's one of those points. So I'm totally envious. I can't. I can't compete with you and I can't bicycle anymore because. My balance is not as good as it used to be, you know, age is catching up to me and I think you're in much better shape. So. With my balance, not very good. I've had to stay away from bicycling, which I love. So. Like I said, I'm envious and I think. That. That certainly is a way to find joy is and bicycling. And I think you've certainly found it. Well, you're a California and my friend went. There's something there called highway 1. Yeah. Along the coast. Along the coast. Yeah. That was his greatest bicycle adventure. Yeah. It was beautiful. Yeah. It's a great place to hike too. You know, I mean. You go off the road and you hike the back up in the mountains and look down into. Big sir and. You know, half moon bay and places like that. And you just say, wow. Well, let's get it. We have five minutes left. Yeah. Let's go to the, let's go to the judging because. Let me introduce that because this is one of the things that I've been really. Asking Al about because we do. Very similar things. And I think he has. An inside track into reaching people. And I did a lot of family therapy in my career. And. You know, half moon bay and places like that. And you just say, wow. We have five minutes left. Yeah. Let's go to the judging because. Let me introduce that because. I've been in my career and. He has to work with families. For a variety of reasons. That contain a lot of toxicity and. He told me about mediation and how mediation gives him the high. So. Let me turn over to him and. So he can tell us a little bit how mediation brings people together. Rather than too often litigation takes people apart further. And mediation. Sounds wonderful. So take it away on mediation. I never did domestic relations. That's that was not my thing. But the mediation I did was in commercial litigation. Personal injury. That sort of stuff. And. The court system, you know, if you were assigned a case, you had a calendar, you had a, you know, 1,000 cases. If you had a case that was going to be a close call. Sometimes the party, you would recommend the parties and say, look. Judge Ken Burton is. You know, he's in another division. He takes cases in the morning to mediate. You get a fresh. In front of me. Somebody's going to lose. You get a whole loaf. If you go to judge, Bertnitz who really is a schmoozer, he knows that I get people together. The first thing you do when the parties are muted and you send them to church to a pertinent, you have a fresh eye and what you are doing is you're mediating. You cannot resolve the case. You do three things in mediation. First of all, you separate the parties and say, let's talk about the issues. What's the problem here, okay? And then you give them the three pluses of mediation. Number one, if the case settles, it's over. Number two is no appeal. I tried the case one time, the Pella process took 17 months. And the third thing you do is the parties settle the case. They resolve it. So when Judge Burtman gets it, he is in effect the mediator between two people. And the first thing you have to do is get rid of the toxicity, stop hating each other. And what do you want? Do you want a half a loaf or do you want no loaf? A very famous barrister said, the big courthouse in London said the following. A bad settlement is better than a good trial. It saves money and the parties control the outcome, not a judge, not a jury. That's the important thing about mediation is the parties walk away, they typically shake hands and they say, okay, I got a half a loaf. This case is over. So mediation is a great way to resolve disputes. And the court system is on a good job. And I used to retry a case every morning before my regular call started. And I'm proud to say 1994, I made the Chicago lawyer because I had the most million dollar settlements in that year. And the next year, my mentor did 29 million dollar settlements and I did 28. So it's very important and those people went away and they went away happy and they settled the case. It was over. And that's why the mediation, it is terrific. Yeah. And that's what I decided. I did it for 25 years. That's great. You know what? And some people can do it and some people can't. I was a bit of a slapper. I could have sold a lot of ice in Canada, you know, believe it. And some people just, some people don't let them act. Yeah. People can hit a curveball, some people can. Yeah. Now, you know, as you can see, we're about out of time, Al. Just, do you have any last minute words for people who are looking at their life thinking, gee, it is just impossible. How am I going to get through this? If you got anything that you can, you can, a little bit of ice you can give them. Yeah. And I was at that point when Jimmy stopped his car over the Chicago River and said, what you have to do, you have to do two things. You have to find out what the path you're going to cross with gold. And you're going to find out about yourself. My wife handled it much better than I did. I didn't. It took me three years. But I had to sit down and say, look, I can't go on this way. And what Jimmy said to me made sense. And not to move yourself when you're good, is not to move something you go. And my wife said it's the best when you're not good. Yeah. No, I'll just walk down and say he's going to be dead in two years. And there's no cure. Have a good day. Bye. OK. What do we do? We enjoy him for as long as we've got him. And she did it in one day. It took me three years. And it's not easy. And people like you can help people by sitting them down and talk to somebody, maybe a third person. But you have to know the journey you're going to take. And you have to find out about yourself. And I was not as good as my wife. And I was not as good as my son, but Jimmy helped. So I had. And he was Greek. So he always used to call himself the Greek lawyer. And all of Western civilization should kneel at the Greek's feet because they come up with all the great ideas. Unfortunately, Jimmy died two years ago. And I listened to this day. But he saved me. He really did. And I can't thank him on it. Well, that's terrific. Al, thank you so much for being on this program and sharing with us. I know. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I almost broke up, but. Hey, that was, you know, you talk from the heart. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. That is, that is a gift. And you gave us that gift today. And I appreciate that. So thanks again. And also let me, I want to thank the people here at Think Tech of Hawaii, as always, Jay and Haley and Michael and Ash and everybody who supports this. And I want to thank the audience who's been with us today. And I hope you enjoyed the show and got some good messages that Al had to give us today. Now, in two weeks, tune in. I'll be talking with the artist extraordinaire, Patrice Feederspiel. And we're going to talk about how art and life intersect. So I hope you'll join us for that in two weeks. And in the meantime, Aloha. Thank you so much for watching Think Tech of Hawaii. If you like what we do, please click the like and subscribe button on YouTube. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Check out our website, thinktechawaii.com Mahalo.