 Dear Rosen, I just need some help with my cat, Agent Fredericks. Dear Agent Fredericks, I regret to inform you that I have lost your cat. I saw you drop it off earlier, and it immediately disappeared under a stack of old parts. I haven't seen it since, but my tuna sandwiches keep getting bites taken out of them. Please advise. Rosen. Rosen, there is over four months of backlog on the TI page. I don't know where all the questions went, but I've asked you about the wireless internet connection at least eight times. I just now, accidentally, found out that I had to press the F9 button with the beacon tower on it to turn the router on, and would like some answers. What the hell, man? Agent Cain. Did you really go and try to post stuff on the old tech page? Dude, I don't even know how you accessed that page. It bit the dust a loooooong time ago. I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or impressed. Rosen. Hey, Rosen. My DVR has a flash port, and I don't know what it's for. I plugged my iPod into it once to charge it, and it did, but now it won't charge from it. Is it actually for anything? Dr. Fyron. Sounds like you've drawn its ire by just jamming your junk in its proprietary port. I'd be extra nice to it over the next few days, lest it try to replace your favorite recordings with episodes of House Hunters or something. Rosen. Thick black smoke is pouring out of my PC drive. Help! Professor Kalofsky. Dear Rosen, the toilet is clogged again and the pump didn't work. What do? Agent Riley. Have either of you tried rebooting? Rosen. Turns out the smoke wasn't actually smoke. It was just an opaque black acidic gas. I think I might need a new PC. Also some new skin. Professor Kalofsky. I made you an appointment with Medical for your skin grafts. I'm sure that Dr. Mann will receive you readily. Rosen. So, there wasn't anything wrong with my PC. It was working fine. I was curious so I opened it up to have a look, and Mann wasn't messy. Cables everywhere. I just decided to plug them in wherever I could. Turned it back on and there was a pop and nothing. Think it was something I did? Sergeant Watson. Don't worry. I've sent a nice new box with no wires at all. It makes sick sounds when you push the buttons and smell like fresh boys and berries. If you shake it enough it makes a giggle sound. What else could you possibly ask for? Rosen. All your bays are prolonged to us. You're on your way to destruction. You have no chance to survive. Make your time. Hahaha. See me now while you go through this for yourself. If your cat — why is the typing legible and not a foost string of random dataivism typo riddled madness? You're a clear — blollllllla — and that's no good. Your move, cat. Rosen. Wow. How do you debug a particle accelerator? Does this answer change if the particle accelerator is being consumed by flames? I really need to know within the next five minutes. Researcher Bernier. Have you tried turning it off and then on again? Rosen My computer keeps rebooting itself by every 10 minutes. How do I make it stop? Research Assistant Alfred. Have you tried particle accelerating? Rosen Rosen, I think my keyboard is broken. No matter how intellectual and knowledgeable my documents are, they always look like some six-year-old wrote them. It's definitely not my fault. Dr. Ryuta Well, I've been using the keyboard, and I have to say that this problem seems to be all in your head. I have send you up for typing school. Rosen I accidentally downloaded the consciousness of an angry 12-year-old Mongolian off the black market. Is there any way to get rid of him? Assistant Researcher Devereux. That's not anything you downloaded. That's called Clippy. Unfortunately, he cannot be stopped. He is eternal. Rosen Some cat just sent me a threatening letter. Something about bases or something. Should I be worried? Dr. Cook Note to all site personnel, please do not send me reports if you get problems such as weird email or my computer smells funny. It's a waste of time for both me and my staff to remove these problems, as they are outside our sphere of influence. Also circulating old internet jokes through official Foundation Internet is not a good use of your time, people. Once again, there is no cat, no matter how much Agent Fredericks complains to you. Rosen I recently lost a sand-disk 64 megabyte SD card mark, not important. I reported the lost and found, but in the meantime, is there any way to delete content remotely? I mean, like, right now, please? Researcher Murr I have managed to access the not important card remotely from the, that sounds like a personal problem server. And I've remotely moved your files to the, you're-on-your-own-chomp database. Hope that solves the issue. Rosen Terribly sorry to bother you all, but I just have a quick question. For the latest while, I've been accepting the push of patches from you guys because I know that you have the interest of your computers, the foundation and heart. Anyhow, I wish pushed something of an odd update for Adobe Flash by Unknown Source, which initially appeared to come from a Foundation-Verified Source, but was interspersed with claims of apocalyptic prophecy, dead baby jokes, chocolate cream pie, mutilated animals, and images of what I can only imagine to be SCP-682 in mating season. Ordinarily, I wouldn't blink twice at this, but because this is originating from a side of the Foundation, which tends to eschew such pranks, I'm mailing you to verify if this is in fact a legitimate patch. If not, should I merely attempt to delete the patch on my own and begin work on antiviral procedures in the field? Or should I close the laptop, disconnect the battery, and leave it unpowered until I can send it in? Sincerely, Agent Schism. Oh, sorry. What patches were the Delta-T temporal anomaly department, were their Scantron, Real-T, what-have-you things? I have sent the proper patch to the affected computers. Anyone who already downloaded the patch should consult an alchemist, or something. Rosen. Rosen? For some reason, all the computers on Floor 21 have been sent to run MS-DOS. How exactly do I change it back? Doing your research assistant prop. Floor 21 is for secure data, and those computers have been in places before you were born. Can't hack a computer that doesn't connect to the internet and all. I can send you a manual if you actually got a job there, but it sounds like you might be lost, so I'll also send you a map and canned food. Rosen. Rosenberg? Some guy got the bright idea to program the recent hits Staying Alive into my personal Apple II, bought a couple months ago. While I loved that song, I couldn't work under those conditions, and it got rather old. Now, purely hypothetically, there may be a hoof-sized hole in my monitor. Health. What do I do? A research assistant. PS. Tips on how to get glass shards out of my arm, wing, and urm, you know, would be nice. You're telling me that there's going to be a horse, loose in the hospital? I'm sorry, that was bad, I'll see myself out. Rosen. Error. Field. Technical help request undefined. Please contact an Administrator LH-93.bat to stop working. 00X10-943. Error 91. Reverted into previous data at Universal Stability. Deus Ex Machina, Rosen, it has been a great pleasure working with you. Error. Field name undefined. Error P-49. Field error name undefined. Shutting down. Every time I fucking boot up my goddamn computer it screens fucking obscenities at me, and keeps fucking inserting them into my shitty messages. Please help. Asshole, Rosen. Shedhead Researcher Wargrave. It fucking appears that you fucking have the goddamn virus too. Just ignore it and it will goddamn eventually become a minor annoyance after the frequency dies down a bit, bitch. And the patch is on the muggle fucker way. Rosen. Wanna bang? What one does? You should feel lucky someone responded. This isn't even a computer related question. If you really want this to happen then, well, here you go. I hope you're content with this response. Just another Assistant Researcher. Pat, my computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal. Then my computer locked me out of the SCP-Net after he was finished. I've debugged the issue and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you. Patch not here. My name is David. You haven't seen Pat around, have you? Have you? Rosen. Rosen, I need a bit of help. Apparently I've accidentally connected the computer to 07-9. There are two of them. What the fuck do I do? Agent Green. Search computer. Office. All computers, which have ever been connected to the computer, and user's LCD wristwatch. User given amnestics and released from the Foundation for illegal tampering with dangerous SCPs. Rosen. Pat, my computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal. Then my computer locked me out of the SCP-Net after he was finished. I've debugged the issue and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you. Dr. Lobo. Why do people keep messaging me about Pat? There is no Pat. Rosen.